"Now 'I love you' means GTFO?"

#LukeforBachelor editing right here

After the drawn-out departure of Luke, JoJo and her three guys that she is "like, googoogaga over" head to Thailand for Fantasy Suite Week, or "exotic overnight dates" as JoJo calls them (and by overnight, she means sex, of course).  So while everyone is still figuring out why she didn't want to sleep with Luke, we muddle through a boring date with Robby where they make out while people massage their feet.

That evening, Robby tells JoJo yet again how he's in love with her and gives her a note his dad wrote to him about to prove that he's telling the truth or something.  JoJo brings up Ben again because Robby said I love you and Ben said I love you and we all know how well that went.  JoJo gives him the fantasy suite invite and Robby says "I don't have to dream about JoJo, I get to dream with JoJo" and we're done.  I'm moving on to Jordan's date because I can't handle anything else out of Robby's Ken doll mouth.

Jordan and JoJo go on a long difficult hike to some pretty cool caves.  Unfortunately, one of the caves us a temple and they can't kiss so are forced to talk.  Then, at dinner, Jordan says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, to which JoJo immediately retorts with "that's what Ben said," and girl, you aren't convincing anyone you're over him.  Anyway, he obviously gets the fantasy suite card.

"That was weird" -Chase/Everyone watching

Chase's turn.  The two play with fish and JoJo makes Chase kiss one and then they all but hook up in the ocean.  While preparing for her evening with Chase, she gets a little surprise visit from Robby, who said he missed her and knew where she lived and RUN JOJO, YOU'RE IN A HORROR MOVIE NOW.  Anyway, they chat some more about "country clubs and coloring books" and then JoJo mentions she's actually in the middle of a date.

Chase and JoJo "eat" dinner while Chase talks about how he sees a future with JoJo and tells her he "want[s] to smear that lipstick."  She likes this for some reason and gives him the fantasy suite card.  They head to the suite and Chase says he's "100% in love with" her and JoJo leaves to cry on a bench.  She comes back to send Chase home and he gets angry and she chases after him and says really helpful things like "I wanted to fall in love with you."  Cracking open a beer, Chase hops in the sad van with an "oh this is my fantasy suite?"  It's actually a pretty good exit, in my opinion.

Just wiping off hair products dripping down their perfect faces

Time for the rose ceremony that they're having for some reason other than forced drama, I'm sure.  JoJo comes out to tell Robby and Jordan that Chase is no longer here, and then what do you know, Chase walks in and pulls JoJo away.  Robby says "do people get sent home and come back from the dead?"  No wonder Robby was the first to say I love you and continues to say all the right things to get a rose!  He thinks the rejected bachelors get killed!

So turns out Chase is just back to have a nicer good bye with JoJo, and Robby and Jordan have nothing to worry about.  Then JoJo watches Chase leave with a monkey in tow and laments, "when did falling in love become so hard?" as if she didn't have two other guys she's fallen in love with waiting for some roses about 20 feet away.

"My heart is beating" -some brilliant commentary by JoJo

And now time to recap the Hometowns episode: where we get to see what kind of families raised men who think going on television is a great way to find a wife.

Chase: Divorce, Divorce, Divorce

In Colorado, or just on a movie set?

First up, we head to Colorado where Chase lives, and it is snowy and beautiful.  JoJo and Chase are going to meet Chase's dad first (since his parents, we learn, had a messy divorce).  Chase decides this is a really good time to ask why his dad and mom's relationship failed.  Then Chase talks to his dad alone (which may have been a better time to bring up the divorce?), and for the first time, I see a personality in Chase.

Next stop: meeting the mom, step-dad, sister and her family.  They're all pretty reasonable, nice people, and it goes well.  Chase and his sister talk about how they were both hurt by divorce and then Chase and his mom cry about love, to which his mom says "crying is not our style."  Chase tells JoJo he's falling in love with her as she leaves.

Jordan: The Aaron Rodgers Story

"the spicy child"

Next up: we go west to Chico, CA where we get further evidence that Jordan peaked in high school since he takes JoJo to his high school and introduces her to random teachers and coaches.  JoJo asks if some picture is Aaron Rodgers and Jordan changes the subject.  "You could tell it hurt him to bring it up," JoJo says, right before bringing it up again while they sit on some bleachers.  He more or less tells her not to bring him up.  So of course, when JoJo sits down with Jordan's other brother, Luke, she brings it up.  Luke says they all miss Aaron and it's hard to talk about and then the rest of the evening is boring because there is no more talk about the Aaron Rodgers drama.

Robby: The Hope Saga

For a total change of scenery, we go down to Florida, where Robby is from.  The theme of this date is Robby's ex girlfriend.  Right after JoJo tells Robby's mom she's falling in love with him, Robby's mom thinks it's a great idea tell Robby that his ex's roommate is putting rumors out into the world.  Namely the rumor that Robby broke up with this Hope girl just to go on the Bachelorette.  Robby breaks up what looks to be a nice chat JoJo is having with his sisters to tell JoJo about this.  He is a little too defensive about the whole thing and even says that he's "here for the wrong reasons" (even if he was quoting someone else).

Luke: Nicholas Spark's new leading man

Red solo cup, I fill you up
Let's have a party!

Time to head to the Lone Star State and into a country rom-com movie starting Luke.  Luke invites what looks like to be his entire town to a BBQ, and then he and JoJo ride off into the sunset on horses to sit on a bench made of hay, and walk through a candle-lit path to a giant heart made of flower petals where Luke tells JoJo his heart is hers.

In Conclusion:

What's more romantic than an airplane hangar?

Time for the rose ceremony and JoJo thinks she knows what's up until Luke pulls her aside to actually utter the L word.  Now that all the guys have told her they love her and none of them look that different from each other, JoJo has a break down and we get the worst image in Bachelor nation: a To Be Continued.

"I'd still take hanging out with JoJo over eating cow intestine" (understatement of the season)

Still in Argentina, JoJo has to decide whose parents she wants to meet.

She starts with a 1 on 1 date with Alex, the only guy left who hasn't had one, which is apparently very clear to other guys as Jordan responds with "now you can stop bitching."

JoJo and Alex have an awkward car ride into the country while the other dudes make up a rap about how Alex is short and JoJo likes the rest of them better.

Then JoJo and Alex dress up like gauchos (supposedly), ride horses, and then spoon with a horse.  JoJo explains that her relationship has changed with Alex and she thinks it has to do with spending time with him, and isn't that how relationships work?

That poor horse

It seems to be inexplicably going well for Alex until he professes his love for JoJo.  He apparently can't read facial expressions because he keeps babbling about how this all feels great and then JoJo sends him home.  JoJo cries because it's hard and she doesn't know what she's doing and why wouldn't Alex make eye contact when getting in the sad van?  Maybe because you just broke his heart on national television just when he thought he was going to finally be like his twin and be married too?

Anyway, it's time for a date with Jordan, who JoJo is still very much obsessed with.  They go to a vineyard and crush grass with their feet and then drink that grape juice, which, ew.  Then there's a hot tub, obviously.  Later, JoJo asks about Jordan's family and he goes into a monologue about how close he is to his family except Aaron (you know, the famous one who's dating Olivia Munn and the reason we all wanted a hometown date for this schmuck), and how football doesn't define him, implying it defines his brother and his brother is the one who's distanced himself from the family blah blah blah.  Then he says he's "so in love" with JoJo and she's all over him.

What a sad tableau

The group date this week is for Chase, Robby, and James Taylor, and the producers either totally forgot to plan it, or the rain really did ruin their plans, because the guys and JoJo had a "slumber party."  We find out that James Taylor's "A-game" is being able to fit an absurd number of french fries in his mouth, Robby really likes saying the words "front-runner," and Chase continues to have no personality.  They all seem kind of drunk and all more or less profess their love for JoJo.  Robby for some reason gets the group date rose and they make-out with a thunderstorm backdrop while James Taylor and Chase pout in the elevator.

Just remember: it was James Taylor's idea to stuff the fries in his mouth

Luke gets the third one on one date this week, and they ride horses and shoot guns.  JoJo says "Luke is for sure a man," so I guess that's a concern she has about the other dudes?

In a surprise twist, Luke doesn't get an evening portion of the date and goes back to inform the guys that the rose ceremony is happening right now, "so, yee-haw."

James Taylor does not get a rose and it's a tearful goodbye for both James Taylor and JoJo.  For anyone who thought James Taylor had a chance, let me remind you what her final four look like and try to tell me she doesn't have a type:

Meet Jordan, Ken Doll Jordan, Country Jordan, and Jordan 2.0

"A Beautiful Disaster Story"

"Chad somehow stuck around," laments one dude as the cameras pan around at empty glasses, plates of meat, and trash that I wonder if the guys have to clean up.  If you thought last week's episode featured a ridiculous amount of The Chad, then hold on tight, because the next two are going full on Chad.

Let's get the first one-on-one date out of the way: Chase.  Chase and JoJo go to the weirdest couples yoga class and do things like "angergasms" and "yubyums."  It's incredibly awkward, but they end up making out, so good for Chase.  In the evening portion, Chase tells JoJo about how his parents are divorced and he never wants that for himself.  "I don't want to rush into things because I only want to get married once so I came on this show where I might get engaged after spending approximately 48 hours with a girl who's dating some other dudes the whole time," says Chase (I'm paraphrasing).  JoJo gives him the rose and they attend a private concert of some band I've never heard of.

And it's Chad time!  Back at the mansion, when Chad isn't working out, he's eating meat and figuring out how much protein he's intaking.  Evan says Chad's enormous muscles make him look like a cartoon character.  I'm thinking a bearded Gaston.  The group data card arrives and it's Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and *dramatic pause* Chad.  Chad straight up says he doesn't want to go on a date with so many other guys, and the rest of the guys completely jump down his throat.  Chad's calling everyone names and says he'll just chill here and get alone time with JoJo later and Jordan says hey, it's a group date so there's probably a competition so "whatever team Chad's on should hope it's bench press and not a spelling bee."  The other guys love that but Chad tells Jordan he's just a failed pigskin thrower and Alex decides to tell Chad he's not afraid of him so Chad tells him he needs more tattoos to be a badass.  Needless to say, tempers are running a bit hot going into this date.

The date itself is pretty uncomfortable for the guys: they have to tell a room full of people a personal story about sex.  Chad is angrily sulking because he doesn't think his sex life is any of JoJo's business yet.  Evan, the erectile dysfunction expert, is all about this date.  Daniel gets asked his favorite bodily fluid and he responds "poo," and why is he still here?  Anyway, we see a montage of the stories, and I guess it's pretty entertaining, though we don't really get to hear the full stories.  Then Evan comes up and does a "PSA" about the effects of steroids that is so clearly a dis on Chad.  When returning to his seat, there's a "weird altercation" and Chad ends up ripping Evan's shirt.  Chad is the grand finale and asks for a volunteer, JoJo, to come on stage.  He says something dumb about how his sex life is in the past and this show is about the future and tries to kiss JoJo.  She turns her head and the guys are thrilled.  Alex gives a standing ovation.

They head back stage where Alex is giving out chest bumps and everyone is Team Evan.  Chad punches a door so hard he's bleeding.  He then begins his new favorite pastime of threatening people, starting with Evan.

"If I can't lift weights, I'm going to murder someone."

Evening time and all the bros AND JoJo are wearing leather jackets.  JoJo talks to some guys, but the real show is Chad hovering around making everyone nervous.  Evan asks Chad why he's there and says he owes him an apology.  Chad tells Evan to stop being a bully and stay the fuck away from him.  Chad finally gets to talk to JoJo, who is concerned.  He goes into a speech about how the other guys think he's a bully, so they're bullying him for being a bully?  It's unclear, but we don't get much clarification since Evan swoops in to steal JoJo.  Chad mumbles angrily away.  Evan gives JoJo an ultimatum: "I'm not going to stay here if [Chad] stays here."

Time for the group date rose, and JoJo gives it to Evan.  JoJo tells the guys this is always such a hard decision and Chad looks on in disbelief.  "Is this real?  Is this a real scenario right now?"  No and Yes, Chad.  JoJo probably was urged to choose Evan to create more Chad drama, so it's probably not all that real since does anyone see Evan winning this thing?  But, yes, Chad, this is a real scenario on this show.  Also, the guys have requested security guards in the house.

Next we get a quick break from The Chad Story for a date with James Taylor.  JoJo and James Taylor are done up to look like they're in the '50s and learn how to swing dance from an old lady.  It's adorable, and when they leave, they are swept up in a swing dance flash mob.  James Taylor is an awful dancer, but tries so hard.  Later that evening he tells JoJo how he was kind of a dork growing up, sings her a song he wrote, and he gets the rose and a kiss.

And now we have my favorite conversation of the night: Daniel trying to unfriend Chad.
Daniel decides to start with, "Let's pretend you're Hitler."
"Let's not pretend I'm Hitler" - a fair response from Chad.
Daniel tries to think of someone else to compare him with and comes up with Mussolini, Trump, and Bush, so I'm sure Chad is going to take into consideration what Daniel is trying to say.

It's almost time for the cocktail party, but here comes Chris Harrison, so just kidding!  He is here to inform the men that there will be a pool party instead of the cocktail party.  Evan chases Chris Harrison outside to express his Chad concerns.  Chris Harrison has a little chat with Chad and suggests maybe he should do something about his impact on the house.

Chad walks back into the house while the rest of the men look nervous.

Fade to Black.

TO BE CONTINUED (aka the worst ending this show can have, and I have a feeling this is just the beginning).