Becca and the angry person

Chris Harrison checks in with Becca over some tea.  She's finding babies extra cute and reading wedding magazines, so this is getting serious.

Jason gets the first date card, which sets Chris off about how he wants a 1-on-1 or even a 2-on-1, which somehow leads to Chris and Lincoln arguing over who would "win" on a 2-on-1 and the rest of the guys looking around awkwardly.

The date is a hodgepodge of stuff: they take a trolley around Richmond, glaze some donuts, visit a church, go to the Poe museum and attend an "Unhappy hour" which is just a depressing, weird, gothic hangout.  Then they go to a bar where three of Jason's friends are waiting, which is actually a pretty cool surprise considering who Jason's been stuck with the past month.  Jason's friends sing his praises to Becca, Jason tells his friends how great Becca is.  That evening, they chat about his friends and how hard it's been in the past to open up, but it's easy with Becca.  He tells her about how it was difficult when his Grandma got Alzheimers, Becca tells him about losing her dad when she was 19.  They talk about not taking people for granted.  They kiss, he gets the rose.  Becca says she has one more surprise for him.  It's just a balcony where they can kiss with a nice view.

Next up is a group date with Colton, Garrett, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln, and Chris.  Chris feels like he needs to "go all in, guns a blazing; it's do or die," which is a bit dramatic, even for this show.  They are greeted at the Capital or something by George Washington and Abraham Lincoln (who lets Lincoln try on his hat), where they are told they will be Campaigning for Becca.  Or campaigning to be Becca's running mate.  Or campaigning for her hand.  It's unclear.  Anyway, they go out to podiums where the Governor of Virginia, Chris Harrison, Abe Lincoln, and George Washington ask the guys questions.  It's all going just swell- guys hamming it up about Becca and Virginia, until Lincoln takes a shot at Chris threatening to leave.  Fun time is now over and it turns into a Chris vs Lincoln debate.  Chris goes on about how Lincoln body shamed him for being fat in the past and that he's aggressive.  Chris also insists he's honest.  Becca says it's embarrassing.

That evening, Lincoln pulls Becca aside first to tell her he's scared of Chris and so is everyone else.  Chris interrupts and Becca confronts him.  He's "uncomfortable" and Lincoln is just fabricating things.  Garrett interrupts, but Becca is distracted and needs some alone time.  Garrett is pissed and starts arguing with Chris, who had been arguing with Lincoln.  Becca does get some nice time with Garrett, Colton, and Wills, and gives the group date rose to Colton.

Last date this week is with Leo.  Becca's still a bit upset about the group date drama.  They take a little plane ride around Virginia, collect and shuck some oysters, and then eat the oysters.  "You're pretty hot," Leo tells Becca as they kiss.  Over dinner, Becca tells Leo he saw her at her worst, to which he responds, "that's your worst? You were mildly, like, not yourself."  Leo then chats about his parents and how he feels like his dad is disappointed in him since he was good at baseball but didn't make it big.  He knows he's hard on himself.  Becca reassures him that he's nice and hot and can't imagine people seeing him as not a stand-up guy.  He gets a rose and they go to some country concert where fans mob them on their little riser.

Back at the hotel, Chris is dramatically journaling while the other guys talk bout his spiraling.  Chris storms off when Leo returns with a rose.  He rants about Lincoln: "the man eats 12 eggs everyday.  His cholesterol must be 6,000."  Why Chris is hung up on Lincoln's cholesterol is unclear.  He wanders over to where Becca is staying in a last ditch effort to "win."  He complains about other guys and that he can see them getting married.  Becca is just seeing red flags and lets him know she doesn't want to drag him through an entire rose ceremony.  She offers to walk him out and he says he can walk himself out.  He seems like a guy who takes rejection horribly.

It's time for the cocktail party, except, oh no, Becca's cancelled it!  It's straight to a rose ceremony where Garrett, Blake, and Wills get roses, and Lincoln and Connor go home.  And we're finally going international!  Bahamas next week before it's back to the states for hometowns.

Becca rolls the dice on love

It's "Vegas, baby!" a dozen guys say, before we hear voice overs of the most uninspiring gambling-related puns (eg "roll the dice on love!")

Colton has the first date this week, and Becca takes him to ride camels in the desert, only to find a hot tub set up in the middle of nowhere.  They talk about how they've already overcome so much and then make-out a lot.  During the evening portion, they discuss Colton's past relationship where he fell hard, said "I love you" super early, and then she broke up with him.  He was heartbroken but now takes love seriously or something.  Becca seems to like this little speech and gives him a rose and more kisses.  They end the date riding a tour bus around Vegas, drinking champagne, while a lit-up billboard instructs Colton to "Kiss Her." This sign is strategically placed so the rest of the guys can see it from their hotel room.

The group date this week takes Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris to a fancy estate with "nice horsies."  Mr. Wayne Newton rides up on a horse, gives them a tour of his house, and sings "Danke Schoen" to his wife.  Turns out, they all get to write love songs to Becca to the tune of Danke Schoen.  And that's not all, they get to preform those songs in front of a Vegas audience.  They are all pretty awful, but awfully good sports about it.

That evening, it's a pretty low key after-group-date-party.  Chris is feeling confident since he was the arguably the best performer- he got off the stage and really worked the crowd.  However, the evening comes and goes and he gets no one-on-one time with Becca.  Blake gets the group date rose after admitting to be falling in love with Becca.  Chris starts to spiral and mutters about leaving.

Next, to no one's surprise, there is the dreaded two-on-one date with, you guessed it, David and Jordan.  Both are overly confident and David really can't help himself poke at Jordan.  Colton has to hang out with the two of them during the group date, and he tells them they're acting like rams trying to push the other off a mountain, but if they can't focus on Becca during the date, they'll both fall off the mountain.  You know they aren't going to take his advice.  They meet Becca in the desert where she takes them in a jeep to a  site very reminiscent of the epic Ashley I - Kelsey 2-on-1 in the Badlands where Chris Soules left them both in the desert.  Becca and David chat first, and he immediately goes into a speech about Jordan being there for the wrong reasons and settling for Becca and how he's still thinking about other girls and models he wants to get with.  David thinks this went well and feels like he's totally ended the "golden underpants clown."  Becca pulls Jordan aside and confronts him about what David said.  He denies everything, of course, and when it doesn't seem like Becca is quite believing him, goes "I'll tell you right off rip" and goes into a yell-talk-monologue about his rough childhood, which, granted, sounds rough (poverty, parent with mental illness, etc), but it really wasn't the best way to deliver that news.  Anyway, Jordan is riled up and goes back to yell at David.  "You've been a little bitch rat-ass *bleep*" he shouts while David lounges and touts his honesty.  Becca comes to sit with them.  Jordan is pissed because David told Becca he said the "most hurtful thing you could say to a woman on this planet," that being that he's settling, and while that's pretty hurtful, I think there's a lot worse.  Becca feels like she's back in sixth grade and leaves them to argue at each other while she collects her thoughts.  It's pretty clear she was planning to pull a Chris and leave them both in the desert, but Jordan shared a sob story, which practically requires he get to stick around.  So Becca takes Jordan off in the Jeep, and only David is left in the desert.

Jordan is smug as heck; "Why did the chicken cross the road?" he posits, "to get buried in the fucking desert.  He ran his beat too much and got his head chopped off."  Back at the hotel, the men groan when David's suitcase is taken away.  They aren't surprised, but are bummed David couldn't stop egging Jordan on.  Jordan and Becca go have dinner, where Jordan goes on and on about modelling.  We do find out that "unfortunately, uh, Zoolander is extremely accurate."  So that's something.  Though Jordan is "not really, like, an average model."  Ok.  Jordan kisses her suddenly and she is not into it.  Jordan does not get the rose.  He's annoyed because he "was vulnerable and got no reward" and doesn't understand why Becca doesn't want him considering he "can speak" and "can walk" which is not that impressive, Jordan.  Becca watched fireworks alone with the rose and the rest of the guys cheer when Jordan's suitcase is picked up.

And just when you thought the main drama was over, we get a cocktail party featuring a full-on-panic-mode Chris.  The other guys have noticed he's cracking, and somehow, during the two-on-one date, she heard about Chris considering leaving.  She pulls him aside first to ask him about it.  He doesn't start his answer off well.  "I think you owe me like 50,000 kisses right now," Chris says, to which Becca rightfully responds, "owe?!?"  They start kind of arguing, so Becca walks away.  Later, Chris interrupts Becca's time with Wills as asks if he can steal her for a sec.  Becca says no.  Chris turns to Wills to ask for some time, who graciously gives him two minutes.  Will hovers nearby as Chris tries to salvage his image.  After two minutes, Wills returns and Chris is not done.  "This is, like, legitimately serious.  I can't get, like, a couple more minutes?"  Wills simply says "No."  Becca has to send him away so she can go back to kissing Wills.  When Wills returns to the group of men inside (with a hilarious "sup, baby" to Chris), Chris tries to get into an argument with him, but the other guys all defend Wills and Chris is not happy.  He does get to talk to Becca one more time and has a whole speech about falling for her or something- I am so done with him I really couldn't bring myself to pay attention to his last ditch effort to stay.  Chris Harrison collects Becca, and the guys assemble by a pool for the rose ceremony.  Only John doesn't get a rose and everyone is super bummed.  I'm actually legitimately surprised- I had already half written down John's name in my notes while Chris Harrison was announcing the final rose when Becca said Chris.  John is "certainly bummed about it."

During the credits we get some B-roll of Jordan getting a facial and talking about, what else, himself:
"Being handsome is great.  Uh, but being handsome doesn't get the job done.  It's all about, you know, skin care, hair care, uh, clothing, what to wear for occasions..."  ugh, good riddance Mr. Model.

"My heart is in my ass now"

And we're off!  Nick's journey has began, and I am here and liquored up for the ride.

We begin with a recap of Nick getting shot down by two Bachelorettes and then straight into the shirtless shots to show he's "matured" since the start of his "journey" with this franchise.  Nick then gets teased/given advice by three former Bachelors: Ben Higgins (engaged to his pick Lauren Bushnell, with a boring reality show), Sean Lowe (married with a kid to his Bachelor pick Catherine), and Chris Soules (rich Prince Farming who didn't last very long with his pick, Whitney, and other than his good looks, it's unclear why he's here giving advice).  They all have beards and maybe half of them can pull them off.

Next up: introductory videos for a few of our bachelorettes (we also got some introductory videos in the "Countdown to Nick" pre-show, which I will include here):

• Corinne:  What to say about Corinne.  She has a nanny (for herself).  She makes her nanny fetch her bowls of cucumbers.  She runs a MULTI MILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS and she's not going to let us forget it.  She has a platinum vagine and is going to win Nick over with her sex abilities.  Her world is so glamorous she has to use third person.  She is not going anywhere if the producers have anything to say about it.
• Jasmine G. is a pro dancer currently with the Golden State Warriors (shout out to the Bay!)  she also gets to lose that G because *Spoiler Alert* the other Jasmine doesn't make it past night one.
• Kristina was a Russian orphan, and that story will probably keep her around one more week than she was going to originally last.
• Raven, unfortunately not of That's so Raven fame, is a country girl from Alabama where the only things to do are "go mudding, shoot guns, and read the bible."  Sounds like a blast.
• Rachel is an attorney from Texas (the new Andi, perhaps?), smart, and close to Nick in age (or as close as they get in this show), and I have nothing to work with to make fun of her.
• Hailey is apparently friends with Daniel from JoJo's season (aka the crazy Canadian who was maybe friends wth Chad when he wasn't comparing him to Hitler) because she's also Canadian.
• Christen is a virgin for faith reasons.  Her intro was a bunch of clips failing to mount a horse.  She is super excited to get married because then she can have sex because "God loves sex.  He created it" and guys, I can't make this shit up.
• Liz slept with Nick after Jade and Tanner's wedding (she was Jade's maid of honor) and then refused to give Nick her number.  This is literally all we will ever know about her, even if she lasts half the season.
• Danielle L. owns a bunch of nail salons or something.
• Vanessa is trilingual and teaches special education and is way to smart to be doing this.
• Josephine is from Santa Cruz!  I live in Santa Cruz!  Hey cool! Oh wait... Josephine is weird, has a cute cat, and is weird.
• Alexis is "like, obsessed with dolphins" and Nick "needs to love dolphins."
• Danielle M. works with babies and has kind of a baby voice.
• All I remember from Taylor's intro is that she's biracial and cool with it.

And now, what we've all been waiting for: the Limo Entrances!

Here are some highlights:

• Taylor seemed to think the best way to meet a guy you want to date is tell him all your friends think he's a piece of shit.
• Sarah decided to remind Nick of his runner-up status by literally running up the driveway.
• Jasmine G. brings out Neil Lane with some diamond rings so Nick would know right off the bat what her ring size is.
• Hailey tried to tell a joke: "what does a girl wearing underwear say?" the punchline?  "I don't know."
• Two girls talk to Nick in languages he can't understand: Astrid (German) and Vanessa (French).
• Josephine has an elaborate pun about Nick being a winner: "you're a weiner in my book" (she literally has a hot dog in a book).  She then asks if he wants to "lady and the tramp it" and they both take a bite out of an uncooked hot dog and it's gross.
• Lacey rides in on a camel and makes some humping jokes and the girls freak out because she's wearing a red dress and they're all wearing red dresses!  But, like, also she rode in on a live camel or something?
• Lastly, we have Alexis who shows up in stilettos and a shark suit but introduces herself as a dolphin and a great dolphin vs shark debate starts.  And by debate, I mean everyone one goes, she knows she's a shark? right? and Alexis keeps making dolphin noises.

Time for the cocktail party.  All the girls talk about how good looking and mature Nick has become since they first saw him on TV like eight years ago and also how they shouldn't have all worn red.  Corinne just goes for the villain label by stealing Nick away for a second conversation and then kisses him.  She is then shocked when she doesn't get the first impression rose.  Nick gives that to Rachel, someone he actually wanted to kiss.  Anyway, this portion is mostly girls freaking out about not getting time with Nick, calling Corinne a ho, and talking about the dolphin/shark girl.

Then 21 other girls get roses and further chances to embarrass themselves on TV.

Bachelorettes who will probably count their blessings for getting to go home night one after watching the rest of the season are:

• Angela because I literally don't know who that was, but she's on my list, so she was probably there
• Briana because she brought a stethoscope to listen to Nick's heart, which was more corny than any other introdcution I guess?
• Ida Marie because Nick probably doesn't understand that name
• Jasmine B. because we might as well only have one Jasmine
• Lauren because she said her and Nick's names together meant "disgusting slut" and I don't know why that pick up line fell flat
• Michelle because she made a joke about lemons
• Olivia because she's from Alaska and I guess it's too cold there for Nick
• Susannah because she offered him a massage but it was for his beard and that's just weird

So there you have it!  After the premiere, Nick went on Jimmy Kimmel and hung out with Kaitlyn and Andi, who both broke his heart on national television, because apparently that night wasn't awkward enough already.

"You sit at home and judge other people and are like 'I'm fine'"

Thank you, Amy Shumer, for summing up why it's fun to watch the Bachelorette (especially when single).

My feelings exactly, Amy.

And now, ten things we learned from this week on the Bachelorette:

1. If you ask a bunch of men who are competing to date you to literally fight for you, someone WILL get hurt.
2. "If she says you take my breath away and you're SCUBA diving, that's drowning"
3. If you want a group date rose, having a dead mom trumps being a single dad.
4. Some guys apparently think being smug and cocky is attractive, when in fact it makes you look like a turd.
5. Every kiss begins with Ka(itl)y(n).
6. No one understands Tony.  I believe when he said "Love is perennial as the grass," what he actually meant was "I am perennialy high on grass."
7. Kaitlyn likes movies and movie quotes, guys!  Wow, thanks Kupah, for revealing this about her- I just love learning unique things about people!  Girls usually hate movies and movie quotes! Kaitlyn's such a catch!
8. Saying "But you're hot" is not going to win you back a girl.
9. To be continued... is still the worst way to end an episode.
10. Britt and Brady are together!  No one cares!  Bring back the bloopers in the credits, ABC, I don't need to see more montages of Britt and Brady sharing ice cream.

In other Bachelor news:

In a shocking turn of events, Chris and Whitney break-up rumors might actually be true now!  Sad day for Bachelor Nation.