Becca rolls the dice on love

It's "Vegas, baby!" a dozen guys say, before we hear voice overs of the most uninspiring gambling-related puns (eg "roll the dice on love!")

Colton has the first date this week, and Becca takes him to ride camels in the desert, only to find a hot tub set up in the middle of nowhere.  They talk about how they've already overcome so much and then make-out a lot.  During the evening portion, they discuss Colton's past relationship where he fell hard, said "I love you" super early, and then she broke up with him.  He was heartbroken but now takes love seriously or something.  Becca seems to like this little speech and gives him a rose and more kisses.  They end the date riding a tour bus around Vegas, drinking champagne, while a lit-up billboard instructs Colton to "Kiss Her." This sign is strategically placed so the rest of the guys can see it from their hotel room.

The group date this week takes Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris to a fancy estate with "nice horsies."  Mr. Wayne Newton rides up on a horse, gives them a tour of his house, and sings "Danke Schoen" to his wife.  Turns out, they all get to write love songs to Becca to the tune of Danke Schoen.  And that's not all, they get to preform those songs in front of a Vegas audience.  They are all pretty awful, but awfully good sports about it.

That evening, it's a pretty low key after-group-date-party.  Chris is feeling confident since he was the arguably the best performer- he got off the stage and really worked the crowd.  However, the evening comes and goes and he gets no one-on-one time with Becca.  Blake gets the group date rose after admitting to be falling in love with Becca.  Chris starts to spiral and mutters about leaving.

Next, to no one's surprise, there is the dreaded two-on-one date with, you guessed it, David and Jordan.  Both are overly confident and David really can't help himself poke at Jordan.  Colton has to hang out with the two of them during the group date, and he tells them they're acting like rams trying to push the other off a mountain, but if they can't focus on Becca during the date, they'll both fall off the mountain.  You know they aren't going to take his advice.  They meet Becca in the desert where she takes them in a jeep to a  site very reminiscent of the epic Ashley I - Kelsey 2-on-1 in the Badlands where Chris Soules left them both in the desert.  Becca and David chat first, and he immediately goes into a speech about Jordan being there for the wrong reasons and settling for Becca and how he's still thinking about other girls and models he wants to get with.  David thinks this went well and feels like he's totally ended the "golden underpants clown."  Becca pulls Jordan aside and confronts him about what David said.  He denies everything, of course, and when it doesn't seem like Becca is quite believing him, goes "I'll tell you right off rip" and goes into a yell-talk-monologue about his rough childhood, which, granted, sounds rough (poverty, parent with mental illness, etc), but it really wasn't the best way to deliver that news.  Anyway, Jordan is riled up and goes back to yell at David.  "You've been a little bitch rat-ass *bleep*" he shouts while David lounges and touts his honesty.  Becca comes to sit with them.  Jordan is pissed because David told Becca he said the "most hurtful thing you could say to a woman on this planet," that being that he's settling, and while that's pretty hurtful, I think there's a lot worse.  Becca feels like she's back in sixth grade and leaves them to argue at each other while she collects her thoughts.  It's pretty clear she was planning to pull a Chris and leave them both in the desert, but Jordan shared a sob story, which practically requires he get to stick around.  So Becca takes Jordan off in the Jeep, and only David is left in the desert.

Jordan is smug as heck; "Why did the chicken cross the road?" he posits, "to get buried in the fucking desert.  He ran his beat too much and got his head chopped off."  Back at the hotel, the men groan when David's suitcase is taken away.  They aren't surprised, but are bummed David couldn't stop egging Jordan on.  Jordan and Becca go have dinner, where Jordan goes on and on about modelling.  We do find out that "unfortunately, uh, Zoolander is extremely accurate."  So that's something.  Though Jordan is "not really, like, an average model."  Ok.  Jordan kisses her suddenly and she is not into it.  Jordan does not get the rose.  He's annoyed because he "was vulnerable and got no reward" and doesn't understand why Becca doesn't want him considering he "can speak" and "can walk" which is not that impressive, Jordan.  Becca watched fireworks alone with the rose and the rest of the guys cheer when Jordan's suitcase is picked up.

And just when you thought the main drama was over, we get a cocktail party featuring a full-on-panic-mode Chris.  The other guys have noticed he's cracking, and somehow, during the two-on-one date, she heard about Chris considering leaving.  She pulls him aside first to ask him about it.  He doesn't start his answer off well.  "I think you owe me like 50,000 kisses right now," Chris says, to which Becca rightfully responds, "owe?!?"  They start kind of arguing, so Becca walks away.  Later, Chris interrupts Becca's time with Wills as asks if he can steal her for a sec.  Becca says no.  Chris turns to Wills to ask for some time, who graciously gives him two minutes.  Will hovers nearby as Chris tries to salvage his image.  After two minutes, Wills returns and Chris is not done.  "This is, like, legitimately serious.  I can't get, like, a couple more minutes?"  Wills simply says "No."  Becca has to send him away so she can go back to kissing Wills.  When Wills returns to the group of men inside (with a hilarious "sup, baby" to Chris), Chris tries to get into an argument with him, but the other guys all defend Wills and Chris is not happy.  He does get to talk to Becca one more time and has a whole speech about falling for her or something- I am so done with him I really couldn't bring myself to pay attention to his last ditch effort to stay.  Chris Harrison collects Becca, and the guys assemble by a pool for the rose ceremony.  Only John doesn't get a rose and everyone is super bummed.  I'm actually legitimately surprised- I had already half written down John's name in my notes while Chris Harrison was announcing the final rose when Becca said Chris.  John is "certainly bummed about it."

During the credits we get some B-roll of Jordan getting a facial and talking about, what else, himself:
"Being handsome is great.  Uh, but being handsome doesn't get the job done.  It's all about, you know, skin care, hair care, uh, clothing, what to wear for occasions..."  ugh, good riddance Mr. Model.

"Is a French kiss in France just a kiss?"

This week the girls get to stay on a boat hotel on the Seine River, which actually kind of warrants their squeals and running around upon arriving.  Not to let them enjoy themselves too much, Chris Harrison shows up to inform them there will be four dates this week: two one-on-ones, one group date, and *gasp* a two-on-one date.  Krystal, being very self-aware for the villain of this show responds with an "I wonder who will be on the two-on-one with me?"  Lauren B. is up first though, with the first one-on-one.

Arie and Lauren's date consists of wandering around Paris, with Arie pointing at things and Lauren saying nothing more than wow.  It's awkward, and Arie isn't sure he can make a connection with Lauren if she can't open up.  Somehow, though, during dinner, despite still saying very little, Arie is won over and Lauren gets some kisses and a rose.

Next up is the group date.  Becca K, Bekah M, Sienne, Tia, Chelsea, and Jenna get to go to the Moulin Rouge, dress up, and learn to dance, though we never really see why.  For the evening portion, Arie pretty much just kisses them all.  There is no meaningful enough discussion for me to take any note of.  Bekah M gets the group date rose, which means she gets to perform with Arie at the Moulin Rouge, while the other girls sulkily watch.  Arie tells us the Moulin Rouge is "sexy and cool," which is exactly what he said about Fort Lauderdale.

And now for the much anticipated two-on-one date.  Kendall, unfortunately, has to deal with Hurricane Krystal on this one.  Krystal's not worried, though; she laughs at Kendall's stressed reaction to the date card, and proclaims herself "fun wife material."  The date brings Arie, Krystal, and Kendall to an old chateau where they look at art and get lost in a labyrinth. They cheers in front of a fancy fountain and Arie takes Krystal aside to chat.  They seem to patch things up from last week, kiss, and it all seems peachy until Krystal brings up Kendall and tells Arie she doesn't think Kendall's ready for love/marriage.  Noooooo, Krystal, don't you know that talking about another contestant to the lead leads to being sent home?  Arie tells Kendall what Krystal says, and Kendall confronts Krystal.  But instead of asking "WTF crazy lady?" Kendall tries to connect with Krystal and gives a little speech about insecurity, imperfection, and empathizing with her.  Krystal says, "I don't really have words," which was hardly the appropriate response to that veritable olive branch.  Arie shows up to pick up the rose, but doesn't give it away yet.  Both girls get to go to dinner, and apparently talk to Arie, though we see none of these conversations, and instead see Arie ramble about logic and intuition before giving Kendall the rose.  Back on the boat-hotel, the girls cheer and pop champagne when producers roll Krystal's suitcase away.  Krystal looks broodingly out a chateau window while Kendall and Arie make-out in the Eiffel Tower.

Jaqueline gets the last date of this episode.  She says one of my favorite quotes about getting a date card:
"When I got the date card, I felt like I was given a pony for Christmas.  But it's also, like, if you don't learn to ride this pony correctly by the end of the day, it'll be shot."
Arie comes to pick her up in a little Triumph car which immediately breaks down.  Arie gets to be all "manly and mechanic-y" and Jaqueline eats it up.  "It is hot when guys who know things about things do things about things and talk about them," Jaqueline observes.  Arie then takes her shopping, buys her a dress and shoes for dinner at a fancy restaurant.  They chat about Arie being intimidated by her intelligence and how she's planning on getting a PhD.  It's an uncharacteristically serious and real conversation.  Despite reservations, Arie gives Jaqueline the rose.  They relocate to a more scenic location to make-out.

No cocktail party this week, it's straight to the rose ceremony.  Chelsea and Jenna go home.  Surprisingly and unsurprisingly, respectively.  The episode weirdly ends with Lauren having an almost compete-break down with a producer in a dimly lit area.  Then we get a preview of the rest of the season and it's literally just everyone crying.

"I'm in wifey mode right now"

Apparently wifey mode means breaking 9 dude's hearts, because that's what happened this week on The Bachelorette.  We started this week in Hilton Head, SC and ended, after a quick jaunt to Norway, in Denmark.  And we ended with a Rose Ceremony!  It's a miracle!  But more on rose ceremonies later.

Week 4, cont.

We start this episode mid-week 4 in Hilton Head, mid-group date.  Lee and Kenny are having a little spat.  Rachel gives Bryan the group date rose and Kenny congratulates him on not being a "bitch-ass dude" and then calls Lee a bunch of names, but mostly "bitch."  The other guys look on sort of uncomfortably, but mostly amused.

Next up is the most awkward 1 on 1 date ever with Jack Stone.  Jack is convinced he's falling in love with Rachel, and Rachel is just dodging kisses left and right.  Long story short, he gets sent home.  Back at the mansion, Will is giving Lee a lesson on race relations re: the word aggressive and it's use in profiling black men.  Lee doesn't really get it, but good on Will for opening up a conversation.

In normal Bachelor fashion around this time in a season, Rachel cancels a cocktail party and goes straight for the rose ceremony.  There's an attempt to make it dramatic, but after eight previews promising a Kenny-Lee 2 on 1 date, there's zero suspense.  Iggy and Jonathan go home, but not after Jonathan tickles Rachel one last time, which gets a laugh and applause from the rest of the guys.

Week 5

The gang heads to Norway where they meet Rachel in a bar so she can whisk Bryan away to make-out first while rappelling down a giant ski jump and then at dinner where they sit in front of untouched food and Bryan tells her he's falling in love.  Shocking no one, Bryan gets the rose.  The group date this week is a bit more entertaining.  Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Josiah, and Eric get to play handball in leotards, which, if you were wondering, is not the uniform of choice for actual handball players.  In the evening, Rachel gets read a love letter from Alex, a Prince lyrics embroidered purple scarf from Matt, and an allegedly three hour hot tub session with Peter.  Will gets the rose and Peter starts second guessing his connection with Rachel apparently forgetting that she was literally just straddling him in a hot tub and he has nothing to worry about.

Now for the dreaded two on one date with Kenny and Lee.  We see Lee getting ready by lifting weights and polishing his cowboy boots.  We get to see Kenny facetime with his adorable daughter and he cries and she tells him to have a great date.  It is beyond adorable and I would totally watch a show where Kenny's daughter helps him find love.  No one likes Lee, but everyone is worried Kenny will ruin his chances by letting Lee get into his head.  The date is not really a date- they go to some remote Norwegian forest where Rachel talks to each of them individually, Lee lies about Kenny being violent, and then we get like three minutes of Kenny walking back to confront Lee before another To Be Continued graces our screen.  Luckily, there is only one day to wait before we see Rachel tell Lee she doesn't trust him and she and Kenny helicopter off.  But not before Kenny yells at Lee one more time.  Rachel's evening with Kenny goes well, and he gets the rose.

Again, there is no cocktail party, and Rachel sends Anthony and Josiah home at the rose ceremony.

Week 6

Not travelling too far, Rachel takes the remaining nine suitors to Denmark where Eric gets the first one on one date.  They drink champagne, they hot tub, they talk about past relationships.  It's a pretty standard one on one, and he gets the rose.

For the group date, Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter, and Adam get to play Viking.  And by play Viking, I mean row a viking ship and then fight each other.  Kenny and Adam both get hit pretty badly in the face, which explains all of the previews where they insinuate Lee gave Kenny a bloody eye.  In the evening, Rachel kisses everyone and sends Kenny home.  It was a way more mutual get-sent-home than usual, especially at this stage.  Kenny doesn't feel sure about this whole situation and being away from his daughter is hard.  Rachel doesn't see Kenny at the end, so they decide it's best he go home.  For the third time, we see Kenny cry on the phone with his daughter.  Anyway, Peter gets the group date rose to end the evening.

Will gets the second one on one date in which they go sightseeing in Sweden and talk to an old Swedish couple about relationships.  Rachel's feeling only friendship toward Will, though, so he goes home.  With two guys down already this week, the rose ceremony is short and only Alex gets sent home.  Inexplicably, we see Matt and Adam still around despite having seen no interactions they have with Rachel.

"I like him so much but I'd like to choke him"

And we're still in New Orleans at the beginning of this episode.  The big cliffhanger from last week was what was going to happen when Taylor returns to interrupt Nick and Corinne's evening.  Which was nothing, really.  Taylor talked to Nick and told him Corinne is lying about all kinds of stuff, and we get to hear Corinne call Taylor a bitch for the thousandth time.  Nick responds to Taylor with something to the effect of, "uh huh, yeah, sure, I respect you but still need to figure out things for myself."  Translation: "I just need to keep Corinne around until the fantasy suites and I didn't see us getting married so..."

Time for the cocktail party, except, no, wait, Nick's made up his mind and we're going straight to the rose ceremony!  The girls act shaken, but it's not like the cancelled cocktail party doesn't happen every season around this time.  Alexis, Jaimi, and Josephine go home because they have zero relationship with Nick and were just kept around for entertainment (Alexis), a potential gay story line (Jaimi), and a friend for Corinne (Josephine).

Now we head to the island of St. Thomas.  Nick meets the girls on a dock just to whisk Kristina away on a one-on-one date.  They're all a little bummed, but especially Jasmine, since she thought it should be her turn to get some time with Nick.  The girls sit around their hotel room while Vanessa shares this fun fact about how the island used to be owned by Denmark, but has been owned by the US for almost exactly 100 years!  None of the girls are interested.  But then there's a knock on the door and a woman named Lorna walks in and says she's basically their maid.  Corinne lights up at this because her plan for the day of staying in bed and drinking champagne can now include sitting by the pool and having a St. Thomas version of Raquel bring her pina coladas and lobster dip!

Let's go to Nick and Kristina's date for some adult conversation.  Kristina shares with Nick her backstory: she was living in extreme poverty with her mom in Russia, was kicked out when her mom got mad, spent much of her childhood in a Russian orphanage, and then was adopted by an American family.  It's an incredibly heart wrenching story that I can't do justice on a blog I created to judge people.  Nick didn't know how to respond considering his usual response to the girls' sob stories is to talk about getting dumped on TV twice, and that just wasn't going to cut it here.  So she gets the rose, and they make-out surrounded by drummers and dancers they just happen upon.

Time for a group date!  Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., and Jasmine go drink and play beach volleyball.  Then it seems like they skip some major plot points, because all of the sudden, everyone is upset and not wanting to continue to play volleyball.  We only see one conversation, with Nick and Jasmine, where Jasmine confronts Nick about not noticing her and tells him she wants to choke him.  Realizing this isn't a great thing to say, she tries to make it a sexual joke and mimes choking him and says the word choke way too many times.  Nick is clearly uncomfortable.  Then we see shots of the girls crying and sitting morosely on the beach, and Nick staring out to sea, discouraged.

Luckily, Nick has the evening to try to salvage this date, but it doesn't really work.  All of the girls tell him it's difficult and today sucked.  Jasmine brings up choking him again and he sends her home.

So with that to set the mood, Nick heads into a two-on-one date with Whitney and Danielle L.  It is the shortest date in Bachelor history.  He briefly talks to them individually and then sends Whitney home.  He and Danielle L. head out in a helicopter and leave Whitney alone on the deserted beach.  Danielle L. informs us she is "inches away from falling off that cliff" of falling in love.  At dinner, Nick lets Danielle L. babble until she admits she's actually falling off that cliff and then sends her home.

Nick feels shitty for sending these lovely ladies home, and goes to visit the six women who somehow still want to marry him to cry about having to break up with hot girls.  He leaves them all a little freaked out and we get another goddamn to be continued ending.

post script: sorry for the lack of visuals this episode recap.  I will, however, leave you with this shot of the girls talking about Nick in bed at the hotel with an artistic perspective made, I'm sure, to include empty wine bottles:

"I want to talk smart things."

We start this episode pre-Mexico City rose ceremony when Ben pulls Olivia away to chat.
"Why do all the girls hate you?" he asks.
"I'm too smart and don't like painting my nails" Olivia responds.
Ben is skeptical, but he doesn't rescind the group date rose, and instead, Jennifer, a brunette, goes home.

Ben tells the remaining ladies they're headed to the Bahamas!  Upon arriving and squealing about their new hotel rooms, Chris Harrison makes an appearance with the first date card (a one-on-one for Caila) and to inform them there will also be a dreaded two-on-one this week.

Caila's one-on-one basically became a background montage to the beginning of the end of Leah.  Remember Leah?  Me neither because she was the "who's that?" of every rose ceremony so far.  But not today.  Today Leah is sad because she's the only one who hasn't gotten real alone time with Ben and now Caila gets a SECOND one-on-one.  Leah cries and and we see Ben and Caila kiss some fish and jump off a yacht holding hands.

Leah's sobfest over for now, we get to see Ben and Caila's evening chat.  Ben's concerned because Caila smiles too much and basically asks her to cry for him.  Caila has a confusing monologue about how she feels like she loves him but feels confused and feels afraid of hurting him and feels understood and feels like she understands him and the audiences feels like she's speaking a different language because no one knows what happened.  Ben says he's confused but also thinks "it's almost attractive that Caila can be confused" so she gets the rose.

"This is like a bar in Dallas.  There's pigs everywhere" -JoJo

On to the group date!  Ben takes them on a boat and they do shots and drink and then surprise!  There are pigs in the ocean!  Ben pulls out a bucket of hot dogs because feeding pigs meat while swimming in their filth seems like a stellar date idea (I know, I know, pigs are really clean, but I'm pretty sure they don't pointedly get out of the water and away from the beach to poop).  Ben thinks every one is having a blast while the girls do a lot of screaming and running.  The pigs seem to have eaten all the hot dogs and get bored with the ladies, so Ben starts making his rounds to chat with the girls, but everyone's acting super awkward because they are all dating the same guy and all see his obvious connection with Lauren B.  Leah confronts Ben about not picking her for the one-on-one after complaining to all the other girls about it first.  Ben, in nice Ben fashion, seems to soothe her fears.  For now.

Back at the mansion, Emily calls her twin to bitch about Olivia, again, while Olivia bitches about how young Emily is (they are the same age).

In the evening portion of the group date, Ben tries to smooth over the awkwardness of the day, and Leah tries to throw Lauren B. under the bus.  Ben asks Lauren B. why someone would say she acts differently with the girls and Lauren B. gets really upset as well as us viewers because she's seemed so sweet all along.  The other girls ask what's wrong when it's apparent Lauren B. is upset, and Leah straight up lies about bringing Lauren B. up with Ben.  Amanda gets the group date rose for no other reason than we all forgot she was there.

Later, after the date, Leah sneaks off to see Ben.  "I'm not here to sabotage someone," Leah says before trying to sabotage Lauren B. by telling  Ben that Lauren B. is malicious and catty.  Ben doesn't take the bait and sends Leah packing.  And that's the end of probably the shortest lived villain in Bachelor history.

Deep intellects have no place on this show, Olivia.
And by "deep intellects," I mean "love languages." 

And now t's time for what we've all been waiting for: Olivia and Emily's two-on-one!  "Two women, one rose.  One stays, one goes." is what Chris Harrison's imaginative card reads.  Ben picks them up on, wait for it, a boat!  They go to an island where Olivia tells Ben deep intellectual stuff is her jam and that she's in love with him.  Emily babbles about how excited she is for their journey to start and everyone thinks she's going home even though everyone also wants Olivia gone SO BAD.

Ben then takes the rose and asks Olivia to walk with him.  Ben gives a speech about how he can't reciprocate the "I love you" feelings Olivia expressed and walks back to Emily with the rose.  They boat off, and Olivia is deserted on an island in what looks to be the start of a hurricane.  Everyone everywhere cheers and it's almost more satisfying than Farmer Chris leaving Kardashley and Kelsey in the Badlands last year.  Almost.

Time for the cocktail party.  Wait, Ben cancels the cocktail party and heads straight for the rose ceremony!  Gasp!  Drama!  Except not really, because in every season ever, once things get serious, the Bachelor/Bachelorette always cancels at least one cocktail party.  Anyway, everyone gets a rose except Lauren H., who is beautiful and wonderful and a teacher, and girl, you are going to do fine back in the real world.

Girls we said goodbye to in the last couple of weeks (since the to be continued threw everything off):
Jubilee, aka #JubileeforBachelorette! Let's get diverse with the leads already and also, Jubilee is literally a hero;
Jennifer, who it's unclear if Ben and her had even met yet,
Leah, who tried to get rid of Lauren B and it backfired enormously,
Olivia, who really only had herself to blame because she was living in "Olivia world" where Ben and her were already married;
and Lauren H., so now no one needs a last initial anymore.