Becca and "The Best Kisser in the Entire World"

We begin Hometowns Week in sunny California; Garrett is from Manteca, a Central Valley farming city that always makes me sing this song.  They ride around on a planter and try to plant tomatoes on Garrett's family's land.  Then they more successfully plant a rose bush.  Then Becca gets to meet Garrett's parents, older sister & husband, and twin brother & wife.  They are all protective of Garrett and don't want to see him hurt again.  They all like Becca though, so Garrett's pleased.

Next up, we go across the country to Buffalo, New York, where Jason brings her to a bar to enter a wing eating contest.  Apparently ranch is NOT a thing in Buffalo.  People chant "eat those wings" and they eat some wings.  People chant "kiss" and they kiss.  Next, Jason takes her to a hockey rink and makes all kinds of hockey/love metaphors mostly about teamwork.  They ride the Zamboni and make-out, I'm sure much to the chagrin of the Zamboni driver.  Jason's is the smallest family we meet: his parents and his brother & brother-in-law.  Jason tells his dad he's falling for her immensely, and follows up with, "it's insane that I'm saying that.  It's wild to think that's coming out of my mouth.  He sings his praises of Becca to his brother, who asks if he's told Becca how he feels (he hasn't, and his brother is like, what are you waiting for?!).  They all like her, Jason tells her he loves her, everyone is happy and supportive.

Another cold place is next: snowy Bailey, Colorado.  Blake inadvertently shares that he peaked in high school while they wander around saying hi to his old teachers.  They have a serous moment where Blake shares that his school fell victim to a school shooting when he was a senior.  To not end on a sad note before meeting the fam, Blake (but more likely the shows producers) has arranged a concert in his school auditorium.  It's Becca's favorite singer, Betty Who (that's not a question, though it kind of is... good thing Becca's favorite singer is concert-on-The-Bachelor level famous).  Then they go meet Blake's family.  They don't introduce the viewers to everyone, but it would appear that this meeting included both Blake's parents and associate step-parents and maybe his sisters?  Blake's mom has a reasonable response to Blake falling in love on this show: "That's crazy.  That's freaking crazy."  Again, though, the family is fairly supportive and are happy if Blake is happy.

Last, and kind of least, since he is the youngest, Colton gets to show Becca around his hometown of Parker, Colorado.  They buy some toys and visit a children's hospital and it's pretty cute.  Becca and Colton both thought the other was great with kids.  Colton then takes Becca home to meet 18 of his family members.  Colton talks about being a virgin with his mom, and talks to his dad about handling things like a man.  It's all kind of awkward, but the family seems to like Becca enough.  Colton admits to being in love with her and Becca says she's falling for him, too.

Back in LA, we get a girl chat before the rose ceremony.  Caroline, Kendall, Bekah M, Sienne, and Tia are back in a contrived situation so that Tia has a opportunity to stir up some drama.  Turns out she still has feelings for Colton.  Becca is frustrated since Colton is, like, sooo hot and also said he loved her, but also she doesn't want to lose a friend.  If only she had three other guys in love with her to fall back on!  Oh wait, she does.

The guys arrive one by one to the rose ceremony where Chris Harrison greets them and walks them in.  For some reason, Colton asks Chris Harrison advice about being intimate in the Fantasy Suite.  Scroll down and read this recap by Sharleen Joynt of Juan Pablo's season for the play by play.  It's pretty funny.  Anyway, Becca arrives, speechifies about how hard this decision is, and sends Colton home.  And no need to feel bad for Colton- he's off to Bachelor in Paradise with Tia waiting for him.

Becca and "A Bronzed God, If You Will"

This week we're in the Bahamas!  Becca will take the six remaining men on four dates: three of them get one-on-ones and the other three get a three-on-one.  Becca collects Colton for the first date while the other guys look sad.

PSA for anyone looking to be on one of these shows: do not tell the producers you are a virgin if you don't want a date chock full of euphemisms.  Becca thinks Colton is "a bronzed god, if you will," and is clearly physically attracted to him.  They ride around on a catamaran and then go diving for conch shells.  Some dude on a yellow painted boat shows them how to pull the pistol out of the conch and explains that this is Bahamian Viagra.  They eat it, it's gross, they make-out.  That evening they discuss Colton's inexperience with dating and love and also sex.  Becca is surprised, but doesn't judge.  I think it helped that he said he's not necessarily waiting for marriage, just love.  He gets the rose, surprising the rest of the guys who thought maybe Becca wouldn't be able to get past the virgin thing.

Garrett gets one-on-one number two, and we see glimpses of Blake starting to unravel and second guess how Becca feels about him.  Garrett and Becca get to go island hopping in a sea plane.  They make out in lots of sandy places.  Becca thinks everything physical is there with Garrett, but needs more depth, so that evening she asks questions to help gain some depth.  Apparently the depth she wasted was just if he's ready again to be engaged again after his last time not working out so well.  I guess he gives a satisfactory answer because Becca gives him a rose and they run off into the sea, never to be seen again make out lots more.

Blake gets the next one-on-one, so we don't get to see him have a nervous break down after all.  They go to a beach party where we learn that the Baha Men are still around and have a new song out.  In the evening, Blake talks about his family drama: his mom had an affair with his English teacher/basketball coach which was not great mentally for a teenager.  He also tells Becca he loves her and Becca says that they "are on the same page, but he doesn't know it yet."

Time for the last group date of the season!  Jason, Leo, and Wills go meet Becca for some volleyball before she talks to/kisses them all.  Leo asks where he stands, and Becca acknowledges that he's not as far a long as the other guys, so she grabs Jason and Wills and they leave Leo on the beach.  Now a two-on-one, Wills tells Becca he loves her, Jason's not ready to say it, but she's more on Jason's page, so Wills gets sent home.  There's a lot of sad sighing, both on and off screen (#WillsForBachelor).

And that's all for the Bahamas!

Becca rolls the dice on love

It's "Vegas, baby!" a dozen guys say, before we hear voice overs of the most uninspiring gambling-related puns (eg "roll the dice on love!")

Colton has the first date this week, and Becca takes him to ride camels in the desert, only to find a hot tub set up in the middle of nowhere.  They talk about how they've already overcome so much and then make-out a lot.  During the evening portion, they discuss Colton's past relationship where he fell hard, said "I love you" super early, and then she broke up with him.  He was heartbroken but now takes love seriously or something.  Becca seems to like this little speech and gives him a rose and more kisses.  They end the date riding a tour bus around Vegas, drinking champagne, while a lit-up billboard instructs Colton to "Kiss Her." This sign is strategically placed so the rest of the guys can see it from their hotel room.

The group date this week takes Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris to a fancy estate with "nice horsies."  Mr. Wayne Newton rides up on a horse, gives them a tour of his house, and sings "Danke Schoen" to his wife.  Turns out, they all get to write love songs to Becca to the tune of Danke Schoen.  And that's not all, they get to preform those songs in front of a Vegas audience.  They are all pretty awful, but awfully good sports about it.

That evening, it's a pretty low key after-group-date-party.  Chris is feeling confident since he was the arguably the best performer- he got off the stage and really worked the crowd.  However, the evening comes and goes and he gets no one-on-one time with Becca.  Blake gets the group date rose after admitting to be falling in love with Becca.  Chris starts to spiral and mutters about leaving.

Next, to no one's surprise, there is the dreaded two-on-one date with, you guessed it, David and Jordan.  Both are overly confident and David really can't help himself poke at Jordan.  Colton has to hang out with the two of them during the group date, and he tells them they're acting like rams trying to push the other off a mountain, but if they can't focus on Becca during the date, they'll both fall off the mountain.  You know they aren't going to take his advice.  They meet Becca in the desert where she takes them in a jeep to a  site very reminiscent of the epic Ashley I - Kelsey 2-on-1 in the Badlands where Chris Soules left them both in the desert.  Becca and David chat first, and he immediately goes into a speech about Jordan being there for the wrong reasons and settling for Becca and how he's still thinking about other girls and models he wants to get with.  David thinks this went well and feels like he's totally ended the "golden underpants clown."  Becca pulls Jordan aside and confronts him about what David said.  He denies everything, of course, and when it doesn't seem like Becca is quite believing him, goes "I'll tell you right off rip" and goes into a yell-talk-monologue about his rough childhood, which, granted, sounds rough (poverty, parent with mental illness, etc), but it really wasn't the best way to deliver that news.  Anyway, Jordan is riled up and goes back to yell at David.  "You've been a little bitch rat-ass *bleep*" he shouts while David lounges and touts his honesty.  Becca comes to sit with them.  Jordan is pissed because David told Becca he said the "most hurtful thing you could say to a woman on this planet," that being that he's settling, and while that's pretty hurtful, I think there's a lot worse.  Becca feels like she's back in sixth grade and leaves them to argue at each other while she collects her thoughts.  It's pretty clear she was planning to pull a Chris and leave them both in the desert, but Jordan shared a sob story, which practically requires he get to stick around.  So Becca takes Jordan off in the Jeep, and only David is left in the desert.

Jordan is smug as heck; "Why did the chicken cross the road?" he posits, "to get buried in the fucking desert.  He ran his beat too much and got his head chopped off."  Back at the hotel, the men groan when David's suitcase is taken away.  They aren't surprised, but are bummed David couldn't stop egging Jordan on.  Jordan and Becca go have dinner, where Jordan goes on and on about modelling.  We do find out that "unfortunately, uh, Zoolander is extremely accurate."  So that's something.  Though Jordan is "not really, like, an average model."  Ok.  Jordan kisses her suddenly and she is not into it.  Jordan does not get the rose.  He's annoyed because he "was vulnerable and got no reward" and doesn't understand why Becca doesn't want him considering he "can speak" and "can walk" which is not that impressive, Jordan.  Becca watched fireworks alone with the rose and the rest of the guys cheer when Jordan's suitcase is picked up.

And just when you thought the main drama was over, we get a cocktail party featuring a full-on-panic-mode Chris.  The other guys have noticed he's cracking, and somehow, during the two-on-one date, she heard about Chris considering leaving.  She pulls him aside first to ask him about it.  He doesn't start his answer off well.  "I think you owe me like 50,000 kisses right now," Chris says, to which Becca rightfully responds, "owe?!?"  They start kind of arguing, so Becca walks away.  Later, Chris interrupts Becca's time with Wills as asks if he can steal her for a sec.  Becca says no.  Chris turns to Wills to ask for some time, who graciously gives him two minutes.  Will hovers nearby as Chris tries to salvage his image.  After two minutes, Wills returns and Chris is not done.  "This is, like, legitimately serious.  I can't get, like, a couple more minutes?"  Wills simply says "No."  Becca has to send him away so she can go back to kissing Wills.  When Wills returns to the group of men inside (with a hilarious "sup, baby" to Chris), Chris tries to get into an argument with him, but the other guys all defend Wills and Chris is not happy.  He does get to talk to Becca one more time and has a whole speech about falling for her or something- I am so done with him I really couldn't bring myself to pay attention to his last ditch effort to stay.  Chris Harrison collects Becca, and the guys assemble by a pool for the rose ceremony.  Only John doesn't get a rose and everyone is super bummed.  I'm actually legitimately surprised- I had already half written down John's name in my notes while Chris Harrison was announcing the final rose when Becca said Chris.  John is "certainly bummed about it."

During the credits we get some B-roll of Jordan getting a facial and talking about, what else, himself:
"Being handsome is great.  Uh, but being handsome doesn't get the job done.  It's all about, you know, skin care, hair care, uh, clothing, what to wear for occasions..."  ugh, good riddance Mr. Model.