"I don't want to say goodbye to you"

First off, our favorite host Chris Harrison welcomes us to what might be the wedding of Ben and his lucky lady!  Chris has pulled out all the stops: both girl's families are waiting backstage (notably absent are JoJo's brothers), Ben's parents AND their hometown pastor are in attendance, and Neil Lane is in the front row with some wedding bands in tow.  But first, we have to go back to Jamaica.

We start with some pensive-stare-at-water shots of the three.  Ben has no idea what to do and hopes his parents will just make the decision for him.   Lauren thinks everything feels so right with Ben.  JoJo thinks she's finally in a fairy tale, which makes me wonder what fairy tales she read as a kid.

Ben briefs the 'rents on the two ladies and how he loves them both.  Mom says "it's really disturbing to me," and Bachelor viewers across the country nod in agreement.

Ben's mom is very relatable.

Lauren's up first and it's wholly undramatic.  She's poised and sweet and tells Ben's parents how much she loves him.  She tells Mama Higgens how she can't believe she's gotten to fall in love with someone so perfect and mom just laughs.

JoJo comes bearing a tacky shell/flower arrangement as a gift.  Ben tells his parents about moments he and JoJo has shared and said they flew over Hoover Dam in a helicopter but didn't get to see it because wink wink nudge nudge.  JoJo gets rightfully embaressed and Ben's mom asks "too much cuddle time?"  It was an awkward thing for Ben to bring up, almost as awkward as Nick V. telling his mom that he liked making out with Kaitlyn.

You can see where Ben gets his weird "you're too happy I need to see you cry" thing, as it appears Ben's mom likes JoJo better since they've "already gone through some non-ideal situations" and JoJo mentions how Ben has faults.  Ben's mom seems to think Ben can't take care of himself and implies that she likes JoJo better for Ben since she already knows he's not perfect.

Ben's parents like them both, though, and Ben's frustrated he still doesn't know who to propose to.  Or, as his mom said, "who to plant his stake with,"  and I don't know if that's a saying in Indiana or just really bad sexual innuendo.

Lauren's last chance to win Ben includes a boat ride and a vague question and answer session.  Ben's biggest concern is that it's too perfect, and Ben, that's what most people are going for.

JoJo's final time with Ben includes another waterfall and crying in a bathroom.  JoJo asks Ben if he loves Lauren too and if she knows and Ben says yes to both.  JoJo says she's tired of competing, and, well, you did sign up for a show where you compete for a husband, so...

Ben's distressed, but luckily we have Neil Lane and his gaudy expensive diamonds to help give Ben some clarity.  It seems to work, because now Ben knows who he's buying the ring for.

Somehow the most tears in this episode came from Ben.

Final rose ceremony time and JoJo is first up, which we all know is bad news.  She has a nice speech about how she loves Ben and he's her best friend and all that, to which Ben responds "I...... uh..... "  He then tells her he "found [love] with [her], but found it with someone else more."  JoJo is, of course, blindsided and heartbroken and Ben walks her to a limo (even though she arrived in a helicopter?).

Ben is sad and says stuff like "I don't deserve JoJo," but pulls himself together to call Lauren's dad to ask for permission because the patriarchy is still alive and well.  He gets Daddy Bushnell's blessing, fist pumps the air and then Lauren arrives.  She also gives an I love you speech, and Ben pauses for so long I'm pretty sure it was part of the Bachelor contract to add suspense.  Anyway, Ben proposes with a god-awful diamond ring and Lauren accepts.  They both tell each other they're each other's "person" and then Ben hands out the final rose to a "Yes!  Give me that!"

I guess Ben decided to settle for "too perfect."

Time for After the Final Rose!  Well, more of it anyway.  Throughout the whole episode we got glimpses at the live studio audience watching plus way to many shots of Ben's pastor flipping through the Bible and walking down halls.  JoJo gets to see Ben for the first time since he broke her heart and Lauren and Ben can be seen in public for the first time.  Chatting with JoJo is more calm and less emotional than I think any other season.  JoJo seems to have actually gotten over it- even after having to re-watch the heartbreak.  And no wonder she seems fine, because she's the next Bachelorette!  What's that they always say?  The best way to get over a man is to get under 25 new men?  Something like that.

Lauren comes out, Jimmy Kimmel does a bit ("where do babies come from?" and "what happens in the fantasy suite?") and then Chris tries to get Ben and Lauren to get married on the spot.  They decline (and why wouldn't they?  ABC will probably pay for a much fancier one later), but the families come out and Ben re-proposes to Lauren and everyone cheers.  Love conquers all, you guys!

Join me in May to watch JoJo find a husband on TV!
And hopefully we get to see more of her  judgmental brothers!

To Jamaica and Love

"I think we should take advantage of this."

After standing and starting pensively at various bodies of water, Ben collects Caila for their date.  They head down a river on a raft and it is awkwardly silent the whole time.  Caila's apparently just realized Ben is dating two other girls pretty seriously and Ben doesn't know what's wrong.  Cut to the evening portion, Ben confronts her about being uncomfortable and we see that Caila has spent the afternoon rehearsing her "I love you" speech.  Ben is thrilled, because he didn't want to miss out of spending the night with Sex Panther.

"My day is really filled with cuteness."

Lauren's up next, and Ben takes her to a beach where they get to help release baby hawksbill sea turtles and all the girls should be mad, because Lauren B. gets all the best dates.  Everything about this date is super cute and it ends with them kissing in the ocean under double rainbows.  I mean, come on.

That evening they go to some small Jamaican concert so we can listen to a song about love while we hear Lauren's voice-over about how she's afraid to tell Ben she loves him.  Ben is worried that he doesn't know where Lauren stands, even after she just told him she could see a future with him and that she thinks he's amazing and that he's "legitimately" the man of her dreams.  Anyway, they forgo their individual rooms and Lauren ends up telling him she loves him.  And then, Ben says he's known for a while that he's in love with her.  HOLD UP.  He is so not allowed to say that.  But he keeps saying it!  The next morning, Lauren says how nice it is to have mornings with him, and Ben responds, "I do love you."  He broke the seal on the L word and he just can't hold it in.  So this means he's going to send Caila and JoJo home immediately, right?

"It doesn't scare me to tell you that."

Wrong.  Ben takes JoJo in a helicopter to jump into some cool looking waterfalls.  JoJo wastes no time in telling Ben she loves him, and what do you know, Ben loves her too!  JoJo's response is all of us: "What?  Are you allowed to say that?"  Ben soothes her worries with a kiss, but damn, Ben, are you ever digging yourself a hole.

During dinner, Ben confronts JoJo about her brothers, and she convinces Ben they'll get along and that they were just being protective and were uncomfortable with the situation.  That settled, they head inside to their hot tub and champagne and sex.

"I thought I'd be getting engaged in a week and a half."

Ben gets a day to collect his thoughts and is kind of realizing the L word was not a great thing to have said to two girls, but that's a problem for next week.  This week he just has to break up with Caila.  Caila, meanwhile, wants to surprise Ben because she misses him, but she does not get the reaction she hoped for.  It pretty quickly becomes clear that Ben is going to break up with her.  She takes it well, all things considered.  He walks her to the car, but before it can drive away, she yells wait! and hops out to ask Ben if he knew on their date (ie did you just want to sleep with me), and of course he claims he didn't know until he was able to reciprocate the "I love yous" to the other girls.

The "this is completely new information to me and I definitely
did not just hear a different girl say the same thing" look

And because apparently more than one rule can't be broken each episode, we still have a rose ceremony.  Each girl comes in alone and tells Chris that Ben reciprocated their I love yous (as if he didn't already know).  They stand around and make awkward small chat about why Caila isn't there and how there are only two roses until Ben comes out and still hands out the roses, dramatic pauses and everything.  They have an awkward group hug and both girls give toasts while the other glares.

Next week, we get a break from Ben's "I love you" disaster for Women Tell All!  The return of the twins, Olivia's mouth, and presumably a heartbroken Caila.