"Arie is a wanker"

We start this Live Finale Day Two off with a lengthy recap of Arie proposing to and then breaking up with Becca, as if we didn't just watch it the night before.

We see a montage of Becca going home to snowy Minnesota and being sad.  Then we see Arie having a panic attack in front of Lauren's house.  He shouldn't have worried- Lauren practically throws herself at him when he knocks on the door.  They apparently have talked on the phone, so she knows he broke it off with Becca.  Lauren says it's been tough.  Arie says he let logic win over his heart and that he's "1000 percent" over Becca.  She forgives him and hints that she wants to get engaged.

Chris Harrison talks to Bekah, Tia, Kendall, Sienne, and Caroline, who all claim they love Lauren, but man, does Arie suck.  They all agree he probably should have broken the engagement off camera and Sienne says it was especially shitty of Arie to get affirmation from Lauren before breaking his engagement.  He was making it sound like a huge risk, but really, he knew he'd still get Lauren.  They all bash Arie for a while, and then Becca comes out.  She gets a standing ovation, and Chris Harrison talks about how fans just LOVE her.  There are apparently billboards up in Minneapolis and LA, and someone started a "buy Becca a drink" fundraiser which raised over $6,000.  Becca says she'll donate it to the non-profit Stand Up to Cancer.  Chris says ABC will match the donation.  So at least something good is coming out of this dumb show.

Arie comes out next to face Becca.  They chat and he says he regrets proposing when he wasn't 100% sure.  Becca says she's ready to close this chapter of her life.  Since Arie's not the first Bachelor to break up with his final pick and get together with the runner up, we get an interview with Jason and Molly Mesnick who have been married for 8 years.  They say it was easier back then since there was no social media.  Jason says Arie seems like a nice guy, but being on this show can really mess you up.  Arie says he's just trying to do what's best for him.  Then they bring Lauren out.  Chris says to her, "I can't imagine what's going through your head right now," to which Lauren responds, "yeah, me neither," so I guess we'll never know.

Chris talks to Lauren - she's completely forgiven Arie and is so in love.  Arie proposes to a fairly tepid response from the audience, which includes both Lauren and Arie's families.  That wrapped up quickly and it's on to announcing our next Bachelorette.  Unsurprisingly, Becca has been chosen.  The other girls from Arie's season come up to gush about Becca.  And then, like they did for Rachel's season, they set up a Bachelor Mansion backdrop, and Becca meets five of her suitors:

1. Lincoln has a bowtie and an accent and a very long speech.
2. Chase wants to be Becca's open door (from the "one door closes, another opens" cliche).
3. Ryan has a banjo and sings a song about Becca.
4. Darius apologizes on behalf of the male gender.
5. Blake comes out with his horse Bradley so he can help Becca get back on the horse, so to speak.

And that's it for Season 22 of The Bachelor!

"Well you finally saw me cry."

Rather than promising us the most dramatic finale ever, Chris Harrison starts this show promising us that "Arie is about to become the most controversial bachelor in history!"  And he was right, if you define controversial as most people ended up being pissed off at Arie's actions.  It ended up being a pretty one sided controversy.  But let's get into it!

Back in Peru, Lauren B. and Becca K. meet Arie's family.  Lauren goes first.  She "hope[s] that [she doesn't] freak out and act weird."  She doesn't and Arie's family loves her.  Turns out they'll like Becca just the same, but it doesn't seem like that to Becca since every one of Arie's family mentioned Lauren while talking to her.  This does not please Becca since she and Lauren are like "an apple and a starfish" and I really want to know which one she thinks she is.

After meeting both potential daughter-in-laws, the family debriefs.  They tall Arie he can't make a wrong choice.  Arie pontificates and says it makes more sense and has been easy with Becca, but there's an undeniable love with Lauren.  Mom tells him Becca is the smart choice.  Arie just doesn't know and keeps repeating how this is the biggest decision of his life since it will change his life FOREVER (but more realistically, for the next 4-6 months).

For some reason, Chris Harrison has Caroline from this season on to chat about this situation.  She says pretty much exactly what she said at Women Tell All.  She adds that she doesn't think Arie knows what he wants, which isn't really an interesting take considering we just heard Arie monologue about not knowing what to do.

Lauren gets a pretty cool last date - Arie takes her to Machu Picchu.  They make out among ruins and Arie comments how Lauren has really opened up and relaxed after he told her he loved her.  Which makes sense, considering that's like the biggest rule on this show: the lead can't say I love you!  So if he says it, it must mean something.  Lauren is afraid of losing Arie, but is pretty sure he'll pick her since he's reassured her so much and has really given her no reason to think otherwise.

Chris Harrison now asks Sienne and Bekah M. their thoughts on the situation.  Sienne thinks Arie was looking for reassurance from his family about picking Lauren and didn't get it.  Bekah says if Arie is this conflicted, he probably shouldn't propose (no duh).

Becca gets a boring last date compared to Lauren.  They do a standard one-on-one date of walking around a foreign market.  They do get to pet some cute alpacas.  Becca gives Arie a scrapbook of cute couple picks (with empty pages for their wedding and future babies) and reads him a love letter.  Arie feels overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do.

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison has brought on Ben, who also told two women he loved them, and Jason, who broke up with his final pick and asked the runner up for another chance (they are now married).  Ben says Arie has to own up to what he's done.  Jason says he should just be himself (even though that doesn't seem to be working out for Arie).

Arie's feeling guilty about giving confidence to both women and still doesn't know what to do.  He meets with Neil Lane anyway and gets a ring.

Lauren gets the first rose ceremony.  She gives Arie an I love you/I finally found what I've been looking for speech, to which Arie shakes his head and says he can't go through with it.  Lauren doesn't know what to say.  Arie says he did fall in love with her.  Lauren says she's confused.  Arie "feel[s] a little bit like a monster right now" and Lauren "feel[s] betrayed."

Becca's rose ceremony is a bit happier, seeing as Arie proposes to her and gives her the final rose.  Becca is thrilled, obviously, and Arie seems happy.  Chris Harrison's been promising us DRAMA though, so we know this isn't going to end well.

We get a nice montage of Arie and Becca doing cute couple-y things.  Becca is interviewed, excited about a "happy couples weekend" she and Arie are about to have.  Arie is interviewed and he's (dun dun dun) planning to call off the engagement because he keeps thinking about Lauren.

Chris Harrison tells us this will be the "most emotional scene ever" and that they are going to show us it in it's un-cut entirety.

We get a nice split screen once Arie and Becca sit down, so we can see both of their faces.  Arie tells Becca she's everything he's wanted, but he can't stop thinking about Lauren.  Becca responds, appropriately: "are you fucking kidding me?"  She takes off the ring and Arie continues to babble about how conflicted he was and how he's been struggling.  She eventually say's "Ok, I'm done" and walks away.  Arie follows, to which Becca says, "I'm not gonna, like, hug you goodbye."  He still wants to talk.  Becca is not having it.  She asks him to leave.  He lingers.  She tells him to go.  He sits on the couch.  This goes on and on for a while and it is extremely uncomfortable to watch.  He FINALLY goes for real and Becca cries some more.

Back with Chris Harrison and out live studio audience, Becca gets a lot of cheering.  Chris Harrison promises us that tomorrow, Becca will see Arie for the first time since that break up.  Plus Lauren will be there.  Caroline, Bekah, Sienne, Tia, and Kendall all run up to hug Becca.

After the Final Rose Part Two will be recapped in my next post, as this is getting long.

"He has huge f***ing balls or he's f***ing crazy"

Kendall is up first for the Fantasy Suite dates.  They go dune buggying and surfing on large sand dunes in Peru.  It looks like fun.  Kendall, though, is worried about not being able to get to the point in their relationship to accept a proposal.  During the evening portion of the date, she does tell Arie she's falling in love with him, and Arie, at this point sounding like a broken record, tells yet another girl he's falling for her.  Arie pulls out the Fantasy Suite card, and they go have some uninterrupted, camera-free time.  We can infer that they had sex, since Kendall's response to Arie in the morning when he asks how she feels after last night is "you're dirty," to which Arie responds, "emotionally, not physically."  They make-out a bit and repeat to each other that they're falling in love before Arie has to go on his next date.

Lauren B. is up next.  They fly around and look at Nazca lines.  It's the Paris date all over again- she has walls up and says it's been hard and she's thought about leaving.  Arie is concerned.  That evening though, they break through a wall, and Arie tells her he loves her and she says she loves him back.  The rest of the evening and the morning after their Fantasy Suite is mostly them making out and saying I love yous.

Becca gets the last date, and they ride around on a catamaran and then go out on the dunes at night.  She says I love you and Arie pulls a Ben H and tells a second girl he loves them.  Their Fantasy Suite is a tent on the dunes, and have a morning picnic in the sand filled with more I love yous.

Now for the real drama: some guy shows up to win back his girl!  This guy is named Ross and goes to Arie first.  He has a monologue about how he heard Becca was on the show and that the show ends in a proposal and he started reaching out to everyone he could and then flew a red-eye to Peru when he found them.  He also mentioned multiple times that he would have swam there if he had to.  Arie asks him some questions, so we find out that Ross and Becca dated for 7 years and broke up a year ago.  Arie is angry, and Ross runs off to find Becca.  Becca is not thrilled to see him.  He gives a little speech about wanting her back and she tells him they aren't living in The Notebook.  It is clear Becca is not going to run off with him, so, to his credit, Ross says "I wish you guys the best; I had not business being here."  Becca goes to check in with Arie to make sure this doesn't ruin her chances with him.

And now time for what I can only imagine is the most awkward of rose ceremonies: all of them know the other two women there probably just slept with Arie too.  Arie pulls Kendall aside to break up with her.  Kendall cries in the leaving car, while Arie gives Lauren and Becca roses and an awkward toast.

Next week we're promised lots of this:

(sorry for the terrible quality- I just took a picture of my computer screen...)

"But this is the Bachelor!"

Women Tell All this season should have just been called Women Rehash the Same Drama We Already Saw.  They really just had the women explain some drama, yell a bit, and then moved on to the next drama reenactment.

First drama to consider: glam-shaming.  As Brittany T said, "it's not a real thing!", but here we are.  The girls argue pointlessly about this, to no resolution.

Chris Harrison moves on and tries to bring up the Bekah's age drama by calling out Tia for telling Arie she didn't think Bekah was ready for marriage.  Bekah gets defensive and starts to lecture Krystal, which just turned into everyone yelling at Krystal, so she gets brought up to the hot seat.

Krystal basically doubles down on defending her behavior and everyone else just gets more and more worked up.  Caroline yell-cries at her, Bekah makes a lot of faces, and Krystal concludes by changing the topic completely and saying her homeless brother saw her on the Bachelor and didn't realize people cared for him and is now getting help.

Sienne get's pulled up to the front to be complimented, basically.  She tells Chris Harrison she's single and dating, so if he knows anyone he should send them her way!  To which Chris Harrison replies, "it is what I do!"

After that nice little interlude, it's back to the drama with Bekah M, to yet again defend her age.  If Bekah didn't get so defensive and wasn't so hyper, I'd almost believe her.  She's perfect for Bachelor in Paradise though, and Chris Harrison agrees.  After bringing up the crazy story of how Bekah ended up on a missing persons list in Humboldt County (she went to a pot farm, didn't have reception, and her mom freaked out), Chris Harrison makes Bekah call her mom on speaker phone and tells her "there's a good chance she'll be missing for two weeks this summer."

Tia, being the last girl here that got sent home, gets brought up to the hot seat to audition for the Bachelorette talk about how Arie broke her heart but that she's ready to find love again.

Last up, Arie has to face 18 of his ex girlfriends.  They allude to some DRAMA yet to come, with Caroline ominously saying to Arie, "I know what you did.  And I don't know how you could do that, and I just really don't understand."  More on that presumably next week...

Before we move on to Bloopers, Krystal inserts herself back into the hot seat to ask why Arie's goodbye was so cold.  Arie responds that looking back (after watching her on the show), his goodbye was pretty appropriate.  Oh, and apparently she told the other girls that Arie has a small penis, which wasn't clear because they kept bleeping something, but context clues leads me to believe the words were "needle dick."  So that happened.

Then we actually get the bloopers which included lots of girls scared by insects and Arie messing up in interviews and saying "merp."  After the bloopers, we are inexplicably joined by John Cena, who we shortly learn is there with Leslie Mann and Ike Barinholz to promote their new movie Blockers.  Then they try to make a Bachelor crossover of women getting "blocked" from stealing Arie from other girls.  It's a bit lame, but the movie they are promoting also looks a bit lame, so what can you do?

"If you hurt her, I can find you on Google"

Arie meets four girls' skeptical families this week on The Bachelor.

"Kendall is not your average girl"

Arie and Kendall return to LA for Kendall's hometown date.  And since Kendall's the quirky taxidermist, she takes Arie to a warehouse full of taxidermied animals where they taxidermy their own mice, dress them in little wedding clothes, and put them in a Paris diorama.  Arie was a bit creeped out, but pushed through because he might get to sleep with this blonde chick next week in an exotic location.

Kendall then introduces Arie to her mom, dad, brother, and twin sister.  Kendall's mom tells her to follow her heart, Kendall's dad can't give his blessing to Arie, but says if Kendall wants it, she has their support, Kendall's twin, Kylie, thinks it's a problem that Kendall's response to Arie saying he's falling for her was just to kiss her and tells her she needs to tell Arie how she feels.  She does.

"To Airy and Tia maybe"

Next Arie meets Tia in Arkansas, and just in case you hadn't realized she was southern, they raced cars on a muddy track.  Then Tia introduces Arie to her parents, brother, aunt, and cousin.  They've all been surfing the web and grill Arie on being a playboy.  Arie asks the second dad for his daughter's hand, and Tia's dad says he'll trust Tia on that front.

"Is Becca the real deal or are we wasting our time here?"

Moving back west a little, Arie meets Becca K in Minneapolis, MN for some apple picking and talking of a dead dad.  Becca's family are protective, especially Pastor Uncle Gary who took over father figure duties when Becca's dad passed.  Becca's mom tells Becca she'd be sad if she left Minnesota, but just wants her to be happy.  Since dad's not around, Arie asks mom for her blessing.  Becca's mom says she'll honor Becca's choice.  That being said, she tells Arie, "I really like you and you've really done well with my weird family."

"I trust Lauren.  I have to have faith in that."

The last hometown is back east at Virginia Beach.  Lauren B. and Arie ride horses on the beach and toast with crab legs.  Arie is the most nervous about this meet the parents.  He barely makes it minutes into dinner before having to go mop sweat off his brow.  Lauren's dad is a veteran and Arie thanks him for his service and talks about a goodwill tour to Afghanistan he and some other race care drivers went on in 2008 (side note: Lauren was 15 when Arie did this).  This wins dad over.  Asked for his blessing, dad says he trusts Lauren.  And it's four for four of the parents telling Arie their daughters are not for them to give to them!

"Who is he deciding between?"

Back at Bachelor Mansion one last time, Arie has to send one of the girls whose family he told he was falling for them home.  He can barely get the words out.  He pulls Kendall aside to ask if she thinks she can get to engaged in the next two weeks.  She doesn't say yes, but doesn't say no either...  The other three girls are confused and nervous.  They come back and Arie gives roses to Becca and Lauren.  Chris Harrison makes his obligatory appearance to inform the girls of the last rose, which is then given to Kendall.  Arie walks a sobbing Tia out.  Which just rolls right into the previews for next week, which is just sounds of girls sobbing.

"I need to talk to you about this week and take a sip of your wine."

This week brings the remaining 7 ladies and Arie to Tuscany, a region in Italy.  Chris Harrison greets the girls to inform them that there is no rose ceremony at the end of the week, rather, all of the roses will be handed out on dates: three one-on-ones and one group date.  Three of them will go home, and the other four will also go home next week, but with Arie in tow to meet their skeptical families.

First up: Becca K, who we really haven't seen much of since she had the very first one-on-one this season.  They wander around the cute Italian city of Barga, buying bread and cheese and wine for a romantic picnic.  They chat and kiss and then at dinner Becca says all the right things for Arie to be "really, really, really hopeful" for them and give her the rose.  They kiss some more against a stone wall, because that's what Arie is good at.

Later, at the hotel, Jaqueline's been having doubts, and decides to go talk to Arie.  She knocks on his door, Arie lets her in, she immediately takes a huge sip of his wine.  Jaqueline tells Arie she was swept off her feet last week, but she knows she doesn't have the confidence the other girls have for bringing Arie home to meet her family.  They hug and kiss a ton, and then Jaqueline says goodbye.  Arie is sad, but respects her decision.  Jaqueline feels like she sucks at being happy, and goes to say goodbye to the other girls.

Next up: Lauren B. gets a one-on-one two weeks in a row!  They bike around Lucca, Arie shows off some tricks he did in high school, and like their date in Paris, Lauren says very little.  She does observe that Lucca, an Italian city, is "very Italian," so there's that.  They eat pizza, and it's clearly too boring for national TV, so the producers bribe some kids to throw a soccer ball at them so they can "spontaneously" play some soccer with cute Italian kids.  That evening, Arie tries yet again to get Lauren to open up.  She admits to falling in love with him.  He stares for a second then excuses himself to wander off.  He comes back to tell her he's falling deeply in love with her and give her the rose.

Sienne gets the last one-on-one this week.  They go truffle hunting with Giulio and his dog Miga, and are then invited over for lunch.  They make pizza and pasta from scratch with Giulio's family, who grill them both on love.  After eating, the nice Italian family chants "bacio" at them, and they indulge them and kiss.  That evening they chat some more and Arie tells Sienne he just isn't feeling it.  Sienna goes home.

And it's time for the last group date.  Bekah M., Tia, and Kendall go to Villa Reale- an estate once owned by Napoleon's sister.  Anyway, Kendall and Arie chat and kiss.  Tia tells Arie Bekah isn't ready to settle down.  Tia tells Bekah she told Arie she's not ready to settle down.  Bekah cries and goes running to Arie.  He soothes her, they kiss, and Bekah shows off her gray hairs.  Arie gives Kendall a rose, and sends her off to have a two-on-one date with Bekah and Tia.  He talks to them both again.  Tia says she's still falling in love with him and Bekah asks him to have a little faith in her.  Buuuut, he doesn't keep the faith, and Tia get the rose.  Bekah cries.  The end.

"Is a French kiss in France just a kiss?"

This week the girls get to stay on a boat hotel on the Seine River, which actually kind of warrants their squeals and running around upon arriving.  Not to let them enjoy themselves too much, Chris Harrison shows up to inform them there will be four dates this week: two one-on-ones, one group date, and *gasp* a two-on-one date.  Krystal, being very self-aware for the villain of this show responds with an "I wonder who will be on the two-on-one with me?"  Lauren B. is up first though, with the first one-on-one.

Arie and Lauren's date consists of wandering around Paris, with Arie pointing at things and Lauren saying nothing more than wow.  It's awkward, and Arie isn't sure he can make a connection with Lauren if she can't open up.  Somehow, though, during dinner, despite still saying very little, Arie is won over and Lauren gets some kisses and a rose.

Next up is the group date.  Becca K, Bekah M, Sienne, Tia, Chelsea, and Jenna get to go to the Moulin Rouge, dress up, and learn to dance, though we never really see why.  For the evening portion, Arie pretty much just kisses them all.  There is no meaningful enough discussion for me to take any note of.  Bekah M gets the group date rose, which means she gets to perform with Arie at the Moulin Rouge, while the other girls sulkily watch.  Arie tells us the Moulin Rouge is "sexy and cool," which is exactly what he said about Fort Lauderdale.

And now for the much anticipated two-on-one date.  Kendall, unfortunately, has to deal with Hurricane Krystal on this one.  Krystal's not worried, though; she laughs at Kendall's stressed reaction to the date card, and proclaims herself "fun wife material."  The date brings Arie, Krystal, and Kendall to an old chateau where they look at art and get lost in a labyrinth. They cheers in front of a fancy fountain and Arie takes Krystal aside to chat.  They seem to patch things up from last week, kiss, and it all seems peachy until Krystal brings up Kendall and tells Arie she doesn't think Kendall's ready for love/marriage.  Noooooo, Krystal, don't you know that talking about another contestant to the lead leads to being sent home?  Arie tells Kendall what Krystal says, and Kendall confronts Krystal.  But instead of asking "WTF crazy lady?" Kendall tries to connect with Krystal and gives a little speech about insecurity, imperfection, and empathizing with her.  Krystal says, "I don't really have words," which was hardly the appropriate response to that veritable olive branch.  Arie shows up to pick up the rose, but doesn't give it away yet.  Both girls get to go to dinner, and apparently talk to Arie, though we see none of these conversations, and instead see Arie ramble about logic and intuition before giving Kendall the rose.  Back on the boat-hotel, the girls cheer and pop champagne when producers roll Krystal's suitcase away.  Krystal looks broodingly out a chateau window while Kendall and Arie make-out in the Eiffel Tower.

Jaqueline gets the last date of this episode.  She says one of my favorite quotes about getting a date card:
"When I got the date card, I felt like I was given a pony for Christmas.  But it's also, like, if you don't learn to ride this pony correctly by the end of the day, it'll be shot."
Arie comes to pick her up in a little Triumph car which immediately breaks down.  Arie gets to be all "manly and mechanic-y" and Jaqueline eats it up.  "It is hot when guys who know things about things do things about things and talk about them," Jaqueline observes.  Arie then takes her shopping, buys her a dress and shoes for dinner at a fancy restaurant.  They chat about Arie being intimidated by her intelligence and how she's planning on getting a PhD.  It's an uncharacteristically serious and real conversation.  Despite reservations, Arie gives Jaqueline the rose.  They relocate to a more scenic location to make-out.

No cocktail party this week, it's straight to the rose ceremony.  Chelsea and Jenna go home.  Surprisingly and unsurprisingly, respectively.  The episode weirdly ends with Lauren having an almost compete-break down with a producer in a dimly lit area.  Then we get a preview of the rest of the season and it's literally just everyone crying.

"I wasn't hiding in my room, I was investing in myself."

"Did you guys go to the beach?" Dad asked, arriving home from work on a hot, summer's day.
"We rode bikes!" his children replied as a chorus.

Wait, I got that wrong.  Let's start over.

"Did you guys go to the beach?" Arie asked, arriving at a hotel to pick up one of his 13 girlfriends for a date.
"We rode bikes!" 13 twenty-something girls replied as a chorus.

"I'm on a dreamboat, but I'm also with a dreamboat!"

Arie and his girls are now in Fort Lauderdale.  Chelsea gets the first one-on-one date this week and they go yachting and jet skiing, conveniently in view of a telescope on the balcony of where they are all staying.  The other girls get the opportunity of seeing Chelsea straddle Arie on a jet ski and make-out with him, which seems incredibly unsafe.  In the evening portion, surrounded by a bunch of old cars for some reason, they talk about Chelsea's ex, aka the father of her kid who left her when the kid was 6 months old and is now married and has a kid with the other woman.  It's sad and Arie gives her the rose.  They then just happen to wander over to where some band called Tenille Arts is playing for them.

"Hurricane Krystal"

For the group date this week, Arie takes 11 of the girls bowling.  Which was going fine until they threw in a competition.  Per usual, the winners of said competition would get to go to the evening portion of the date.  And per usual, the lead invited the losers anyway.  Pretty standard Bachelor storyline, which would be nothing to talk about, except other seasons did not have Krystal.  Krystal is on the winning team and is absolutely furious that Arie invited the losers.  She apparently throws a fit on the bus ride back to the hotel (transportation is apparently not recorded), and everyone is pissed while preparing for their evening with Arie, none more so than Krystal, who straight up refuses to join the after party.  Many of the girls comment that they don't want this day to be all about Krystal, yet none of them stop talking about her.

The group date girls minus Krystal join Arie at the hotel bar, I guess, for the evening.  He doesn't even notice Krystal isn't there, and some girl immediately points it out.  So much for not making this date about Krystal.  Arie, being a gentleman, goes upstairs to check on Krystal.  She kind of whines at him about feeling hurt and he lectures her and puts her in time-out before returning to the other girls.  We get to see Arie talk to four of the girls:

• Kendall tells Arie about her past relationships and says that this on is different because the process is making her take things slower, which is completely baffling considering this show requires you to go from strangers to engaged after spending like 3 days worth of 1-on-1 time with someone spread over 10 weeks.
• Arie is still scared of Bekah M, but mostly just wants to keep kissing her.
• Arie takes Becca K into his room and presumably talks to her, but we just see them make-out.
• Lauren B, whose favorite color is burgundy and likes her coffee with coconut milk calls Arie basic for taking his coffee with cream and sugar.  Sure, LB.

During all this, Krystal decides to make an appearance right as Bekah M is mocking her voice.  The girls grill her for a while, and she ends up leaving without seeing Arie.  Arie gives Lauren B the group date rose and that's that.

"I've been waiting for you to push me against something."

Tia gets the second one-on-one date this week, and because ABC doesn't believe in stereotyping, she and Arie go to a swamp and eat fried things.  They go to an "old nautical antique place" for dinner where Tia told Arie she was falling in love with him despite not being able to make eye contact.  This gets her the rose.  We learn a couple of things about Tia on this date: she has a doctorate in physical therapy, she goes frogging, and he definitely watched Emily's season of The Bachelorette.

"That was glitter.  Glitter."

Three things of note happen at the cocktail party:

1. Kendall has a book of 100 questions she's compiled to get to know someone.  Arie picks 99, which is, essentially, given some circumstance, would you eat human flesh?  Arie's a no, and Kendall (the taxidermy collector who thinks the Bachelor process is taking it slow), is a yes.  Yet she still makes more sense than Jenna, whom I have yet to hear one coherent sentence from this season.
2.  Jaqueline is a contestant on this season.  She's pretty and I'm pretty sure just showed up tonight.
3. Krystal talks to some of the girls and says she feels hurt like seventy thousand times.  No one has a successful conversation with her, and Bekah M shows her age by relentlessly mocking her voice.  She does talk with Arie, who seems to be over her.  She tries to explain her actions with some story about growing up in a bowling alley and that's somehow related to her trust issues and why she threw a fit on the group date.  She also tries to be cute and tells Arie this is their first fight.  "It could be our last fight," Arie responds, surprising everyone with an interesting line for once.

Time for the rose ceremony.  Krystal gets the last rose, annoying everyone who seem to forget that villains must stick around for dramatic two-on-one dates, and we have yet to have one of those.  Girls we lost this week: Maquel, who was flown out to be flown home, plus Marikh and Ashley, because we know a white girl's gonna win this thing, so why keep up pretenses of diversity?

The credits rolled over Arie being grilled by a team of bowling grandmas who were suuuuuper into the fantasy suites.

"Because I need a wife"

The opening shot (after all the preview footage of girls being dramatic and looking shocked, of course), was Bekah M. jumping into the pool at the mansion and swimming and brooding alone.  The other girls are shown inside musing about Arie and Beech's 14 year age difference and whether or not that matters.

Chris Harrison shows up to agonizingly slowly tell the girls that they're leaving LA and headed to South Lake Tahoe.  Arie is excited that there's "a lot of outdoor stuff" here, "which is cool," as if LA is just a giant building.

Sienne gets the first date card.  They go parasailing, drink champagne on a beach, kiss, and then have dinner in a private room at the Hard Rock Cafe.  She gets the rose, which is good because otherwise a large crowd of Bachelor Fans wouldn't get to swoon and ignore the random band ABC hired that no one's heard about before.

The group date brings everyone except Sienne and Bekah (who get one on one dates this week), and Maquel (who went home since her grandpa died) on a survival training hike.  Their coaches are Mikel Hawke, a retired Green Beret Combat Commander for the US Special Forces and his wife, Ruth.  They first talk about needing water and the importance of recycling.  All the girls and Arie are given bottle to pee into.  Arie takes the first swig.  Jaqueline almost goes for it, but Arie stops her, saying his was apple juice.  Then they go eat some bugs and are tasked to navigate through the snowy woods.  At the end of the trail is a hot tub and champagne.

The evening portion of the date revolves around Krystal feeling insecure and projecting that insecurity on everyone else.  Especially Tia and Caroline who just can't handle her, and have no poker faces to show otherwise.  Krystal even tries to pull Tia and Caroline aside to talk about it and it is not remotely productive.  Tia ends up getting the group date rose, which just unhinges Krystal that much more.

Time for Bekah's one on one date.  They ride horses and make out in a hot tub.  These scenes are interspersed with different girls chatting about Bekah's age, if she's going to tell Arie, and if he'll send her home.  Arie talks about how he's changed since his late 20s and ready for marriage and then asks if Bekah's ready.  This awkwardly turns into a conversation about Bekah's age.  Arie's response: "Oh my god."  It's a good point that many successful relationships have large age gaps, and being young doesn't necessarily mean immature, and the other girls aren't that much older than Bekah, BUT there is the Standard Creepiness Rule.  And Bekah, Olivia, and Maquel are the only contestants who are below the creepiness line.  And Bekah is the only one who made a big deal about it.  So for everyone defending her age, if she didn't want to be judged, she shouldn't have let production make it a plot line.

Anyway, Arie and Bekah discuss it some more and Bekah more or less pleads for him to let her stay, and his dick Arie gives her the rose.

As is par for the course, there is no cocktail party this week and it's straight to the rose ceremony.  Krystal interrupts Arie before he can give a rose away, and says nothing much of import to Arie in an annoying whisper.  Brittany T and Caroline are sent home.  Caroline goes into the goodbye hug with her heels in her hand.  She was way over it.

"I, like, literally can't watch"

Let's jump right in.  The first date of the episode is a group date.  Maquel, Jaqueline, Lauren B., Tia, Marikh, Bekah M., Bibiana, and Krystal are going to be GLOB, the Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor.  The Bachelor version of GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies of Wresting), with some of the original GLOW - Babe the Farmers Daughter and Little Egypt, who neither I nor any of the girls have ever heard of.  They start to train them in fake, dramatic fighting moves and Arie does the worst somersault I think I've ever seen.  Apparently GLOW is mostly choreographed trash talking, and the pro ladies do the whole thing in character which is fine until one of them is giving Bibiana a hard time and makes fun of her name which seems racist?  Then they yell at Tia and pull her hair, and it was supposed to get the girls in the right mood, but was just uncomfortable to watch.

Anyway, the girls all get personas and silly costumes (Bekah the sex kitten, Maquel the lunch lady, Krystal the cougar, Jaqueline Miss Arkansas, Marikh the gold digger, Lauren B. the prom queen or something in a pink dress, Tia the southern belle, and Bibiana the bridezilla) and then fight, starting with Arie the Kissing Bandit who gets to fight Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King, Vegas wrestler slash contestant on Rachel's season.

That evening, they go to a touristy fancy trailer park place.  Arie tells the ladies he enjoyed watching them and seeing who was friends and who weren't, which is kind of an odd thing to say to eight of your girlfriends.  Krystal steals him off first, much to everyone, especially Bibiana's chagrin.  Bibiana complains about Krystal to anyone who will listen, including Arie, which, is like a Bachelor 101 no-no.  Arie kisses some other girls and gives Bekah M. the group date rose.

The one-on-one this week was with Lauren S.  Arie takes her to Napa where whey drink wine on strategically placed barrels around Hall Winery.  They chit chat and Lauren S. babbles at Arie.  She's nervous and doesn't feel like she's able to be herself and wouldn't give herself the rose if she was in Arie's position.  She's pretty perceptive.  Arie doesn't give her the rose.

A producer walks into the mansion to pick up Lauren S.'s suitcases and the other girls freak out.  Caroline starts crying, and Krystal monologues about how she tried to give Lauren S. advice, which no one appreciated.

Ashley, Becca K., Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, and Annaliese get to meet Bastian, Arie's dog, on the next group date.  In addition to bumper cars, it appears that Annaliese is also afraid of dogs, so I guess she's just going to cry on every date.  The girls learn how to do tricks with dogs and then put on the worst dog show ever, with Chris Harrison and Fred Willard commentating.  That night they go to an old bank where Arie seems to kiss everyone except Annalise.

At the cocktail party, Bibiana sets up a telescope and couch to woo Arie, so of course Arie "stumbles upon" this set up and makes out with like seven other girls on it.  Arie tells Bekah M. she's risky and Bekah M. tells him it's because he knows she doesn't need him.  He doesn't really have a response to that, so he kisses her.  Arie and Tia sit on hay bales and drink moonshine (which "tastes like gasoline in a good way") and make-out.  Annaliese tries to get Arie to kiss her, but it fails.  Later, she just straight up asks Arie if he sees anything with her.  He says no, so she leaves.

The rose ceremony happens, and Bibiana joins Lauren S. and Annaliese in going home this week.  She's sad and pissed, but don't worry girl, you're a lock for Bachelor in Paradise.

"I wanna get those pillow-lips"

We begin this episode on a mountain road.  Shoot to Arie.  Leather jacket, salt and pepper hair, pensive gaze, motorcycle.  Arie puts on a helmet and takes off down the dusty road.  Fade to some teenagers adult women giggling about how nice Arie's eyes are.  Chris Harrison enters stage right.  "The hope is that one of you will become Arie's wife," he proclaims, pulling out a date card to squeals of women who can't wait to promote sugar bear hair and fit tea on Instagram get to know this bad ass handsome Bachelor a little better.

Ok, enough of that.  

The Princess Date

Arie rolls up to pick up Becca K, who gets the first 1-on-1 date of the season.   The rest of the girls are jealous, but Debbie Downer Krystal's dad got hurt on a motorcycle and she knows of people who have died and lost body parts.

Arie takes Becca to a different LA mansion where some designer named Rachel Zoe is going to dress Becca in gowns while Arie eats cupcakes and ogles.  Arie buys all the dresses for Becca, tells her which one she should wear that evening and then gives her some sparkly Louis Vuitton heels.  And if that didn't scream sugar-daddy extravagant, some dude in a suit walks up to them with a briefcase and  tells Arie, "Neil Lane sends his regards."  It's diamond jewelry, of course.  Oh, they also shower each other in compliments, drink champagne, and kiss.  Becca goes back to the mansion and the other girls are all like, I'm not materialistic but LOUIS VUITTONS?  "Oh my god they are gonna get married," says Bibiana, and I sure hope so because Becca is on my Fantasy Bachelor Team.  That evening, they talk about how Becca was in a 7 year on and off relationship and her dad died of brain cancer and she gets to keep the diamond earrings and obviously Arie gives her a rose.  They end the night being showered with large, gold confetti.

The Early Hometown Date

Krystal's name is on the next date card, which says "home is where the heart is."  She meets Arie at an airport where they take a private jet to Scottsdale, AZ so Arie can show her the Pizza Hut he used to work in, his high school, and some awkward home videos.  Next, Arie takes Krystal to meet his parents, brother, and sister-in-law.  They talk about how long Arie's parents have been married and how marriage can be hard but they love each other and have beautiful children, so it's ok.  That evening, Krystal tells Arie about how she comes from a broken home and her brother is homeless and won't let her help.  Arie showers her with compliments and kisses and a rose and takes her to an awkward private concert, where some guy named Connor Duermit sings at them kissing and table full of candles.

After the date, the other girls ask about what she did, and Krystal is not about to talk.  She says the most vague things possible about hanging out in Scottsdale and the girls are annoyed, but not as annoyed as they will be later this week!

The Group Date where Someone Cries and Gets Time with the Lead and Everyone Else Wishes they Thought of That

Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G., Kendall, Bekah M., Jenny, Sienne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, and Chelsea all go on a date together.  It's a demolition derby!  Which actually looks pretty fun, if incredibly dangerous.  Most of the girls are into it and get spray painting their cars with roses and things like "Thx Emily!"  Annaliese, however, is freaking out and in tears.  I'm thinking maybe she had a bad accident or a family member die in car crash, but no, bumper cars traumatized her as a kid.  Everyone has irrational fears, although the demolition derby is literally 15 people trying to crash your car, so that alone I think is ok to scared of.  Arie takes her aside and comforts her and then tries to help her out during the derby, which is sweet.  Jenny thinks it's hilarious and plans to target her, and that's just unnecessary.  Anyway, Chris Harrison and some famous race car driver named Robbie announce the tournament: The Bashelor Demolition Derby.  "Could this be the first time Arie actually wins something on a racetrack?"  Nice one, Chris.  So the derby happens and Sienne is the last car going, so she wins a trophy and milk (because that's a thing).

The After Party (as Arie calls it) is just your average cocktail party with all the girls fretting about getting time with Arie.  "Classic Chelsea" steals Arie away first to tell him about her son.  She tells the other girls that she did this because she's a mom and they don't understand what she's sacrificed, to which Marikh shuts her down with a very polite, no, you don't get special treatment because you're a mom- we all gave something up to come here.  Sienne gets to tell Arie how much smarter she is than him (and it was not lost on Arie: "She went to Yale.  I barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut.").  Bekah M. and Arie talk for about two seconds before kissing for a long time.  It was very uncomfortable to watch.  Meanwhile, Bibiana is throwing a tantrum about not getting time with Arie while doing absolutely nothing to get time with him.  The date ends and while Arie compliments Chelsea in front of the rest of the girls, he gives the group date rose to Sienne.

Cocktail Party, or, The Birth of a New Villain

Arie doesn't give anyone a chance to steal him and instead pulls Brittany aside, since she got injured at the demolition derby and couldn't make it to the after party.  He gives her a "Most Hardcore" certificate.  Then he goes and makes out with Bekah again, who tells her she's no drama and easy to please while wearing the most ridiculous fur coat.  Bibiana is still upset about not getting time with Arie, which gets escalated as Krystal interrupts girls for more time with Arie not once, but twice, despite already having a rose.  Bibiana yells at her, which doesn't seem to go through, and everyone else watched uncomfortable.  Anyhow, the rose ceremony happens, and Bibiana is given the last rose, because drama, y'all.

Girls we lost this episode are:

Jenny, who cried and tried to leave without saying goodbye, so Arie chased her down and demanded hugs.  She said she wasn't crying over him, she was just going to miss her new friends, and Arie reminder her that that wasn't the point.  She was upset about being broken up with for the first time, and she is not prepared to get broken up with in real life by a real boyfriend.

Valerie, who was the closest thing to a redhead to make it past episode one in my memory.

Lauren G., probably because there are still too many Laurens.

End credits roll over Kendall showing Arie a pickled bat and taxidermied seal.  Arie isn't weirded out because apparently he has a friend who collects doll parts which is way creepier.

I'll leave you with this great screenshot of Arie from when I paused to refill my wine while watching last night:

"The race is on for Arie's heart!"

Arie begins "the most important race of [his] life" in the Season 22 premiere of The Bachelor.  But not before getting a quick recap of every time he kissed Emily how his heart got broken by Emily (Season 8 lead of The Bachelorette; 5 years ago).  Sean (Emily's 3rd place dude after Arie and Jef with one f, Season 17 lead of The Bachelor) and Catherine (winner of Season 17 of The Bachelor), along with their adorable son Samuel pay Arie a visit.  Sean is the last successful Bachelor, and I think ABC wanted to remind us that this show worked one time, damnit.  Sean and Arie are also good friends, but whatever.  Arie is 36 and "mature", and Sean gives advice the last four Bachelors apparently didn't heed, so lets get on to the good stuff: the 29 dramatic women who are going to make this season the train-wreck of a show that we love.

We get a few intro videos.  This is what I learned:

• Chelsea is a single mom.
• Caroline is in real estate and she's, like, "really good at [her] job."
• Maquel likes taking wedding photos and and remembers liking Arie when she watched him on Emily's season when she was like 12.  Ok, she was 18, but he was 31 then.
• Nysha tried to make a metaphor about how she just went skydiving and she's ready to make another 18 thousand foot drop (falling in love is apparently equivalent to 18 thousand feet).
• Next I thought they had goofed and were just playing Raven's (from Nick's season (21) of The Bachelor) intro package, but then Raven showed up, and I learned that Tia is also a person who exists.  Tia is also from a place called Wiener, AK, which will come up later.
• Kendall collects taxidermy and plays the ukulele and serenades her taxidermy with her ukulele.
• Bekah M is a nanny, but wants you to know she's edgy because she rock climbs without a bra.
• Marikh owns an Indian restaurant with her mom, which is code for "my parents own an Indian restaurant and I just work there until I become Instagram famous."
• Krystal is an online fitness coach who also makes sandwiches for the homeless.

Time for the Limo entrances!  Arie rolls up first and good old Chris Harrison grills him about not finding love in the last five years.  Then come the women.

1. Caroline comes out first with a realtor pun (for as we now know, while Arie is still a race car driver, he now practices real estate).  She hopes they are "both off the market" at the end of this show.
2. Chelsea is a little odd, but Arie says "She's interesting."
3. Kendall is super nervous and, so, a little awkward.
4. Sienne gives Arie elephant (her favorite animal) cuff links for good luck.
5. Tia gives Arie a small plastic penis and says, "hopefully you don't already have a little wiener."  Arie is somehow composed enough to say, "no, I don't already have one of these."
6. Bibiana tells Arie "you have my heart racing," because, you know, race cars.
7. Bri tosses a softball at Arie and for some reason does not tell him he's a great catch.
8. Jenny introduces herself.
9. Brittane J comments that "everyone knows you're not supposed to put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari, but why not an Arie?"  She proceeds to put a bumper sticker on Arie's butt, which says, "Nice Butt."
10. Jaqueline says something unmemorable.
11. Krystal has Arie close his eyes and reflect on how blessed he is.
12. Nysha exits the limosine next.
13. Valerie has purply-red hair and a bright yellow dress, which is bold, but not my favorite look.
14. Bekah M pulls up in a '65 Mustang and tells Arie, "I may be young, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate something classic." (the girls in the house are impressed/jealous, and Chelsea shit talks the choice of entrance).
15. Jenna is happy with her life but just needs a partner to take over the world with.
16. Jessica gives Arie a "gratitude rock."
17. Marikh tells Arie about how she uses a lot of spices in her work, but is ready for some salt and pepper.
18. Olivia brings up Emily's season.
19. Becca K has Arie kneel down and ask her if he's "ready to do the damn thing."
20. Lauren S shows up.
21. Lauren J gives Arie the biggest Mardi Gras beads I've ever seen.
22. Lauren B introduces herself, and inside the rest of the women are straight up losing their shit about how many Laurens there are.
23. Lauren G tells Arie she's one more from the Lauren Limo.
24. Ashley has a checkered race car flag and "hope[s she] finish[es] last."
25. Brittany T very unsuccessfully says "you're handsome" in Dutch.
26. Amber tells Arie she sees a lot of dicks in her line of work as a spray tan shop owner, but hopes he's not one.
27. Ali has Arie smell her armpit and asks him if that was the "best pit stop of [his] life."
28. Annaliese is wearing a mask and has a money bag with lips instead of dollar signs- she is the Kissing Bandit (a reference to Arie's nickname on Emily's season).
29. Maquel pulls up in the back of a race car and pulls off the helmet just whipping her long blonde hair around.  Other girls are like "DAMN,"  except Chelsea, who bad-mouths Maquel and is apparently determined to make everyone hate her.

We get a montage of women commenting on how good looking Arie is and how he still has hair and stuff, before he enters, gives a toast, and is whisked away by Chelsea, much to everyone's chagrin.  Not to worry, Maquel interrupts, and Chelsea proceeds to whine about it incessantly.  The other girls take turns stealing Arie away to feed him pizza (Caroline) and pineapple (which is Lauren G's safe word, too, apparently), massage his feet (Jenna, who is a bewildering human being), sing him a song (Kendall and her uke), race toy cars and win the first kiss (Brittany T), give him a drawing (Jenny), tell him her dad met him and is dead so now they must be wed (Jessica), and ask a "deep" question that she had prepared her own "deep" answers for (Bekah M).  Chelsea steals Arie a second time to make-out with him, which is a textbook Bachelor Villain move.  But it also wins her the First Impression Rose, as if she had any chance for the other girls to like her.

The Rose Ceremony occurs, and Arie sends home Ali (I mean, the girl had Arie smell her armpit - even a racing pun wasn't going to save her), Amber "I see a lot of dicks", Bri (probably because she acted surprised that Arie could catch a softball), Brittane "Nice Butt" J, Jessica (who might be the first person sent home right after telling the lead a sob story), Lauren J (one down, three to go), and Nysha & Olivia (since we can't have too much diversity, now can we).

The season preview included lots of crying, lots of kissing, and *gasp* someone's ex!

The race is on!

Finale... Finally

Just in case I actually have a readership, I figured I should maybe recap the finale of Nick's season.

Still in Finland, Raven and Vanessa get to meet (well, re-meet in Raven's case) Nick's family.  Unsurprisingly, the family likes both of the women.

Vanessa gets the first last one-on-one date with Nick.  They go horseback riding and then are way to excited about meeting Santa Clause, who gives them a wood carving that vaguely resembles the two of them.  Vanessa says "it's nice to hear Santa Clause believes in a future between Nick and I," as if Santa wouldn't have said that to any couple who he presumably gets paid to act jolly for.

Vanessa and Nick then have a discussion they both leave unhappy with.  Vanessa says she's not comfortable if Nick chooses her just because it's a slightly better relationship than one he has with someone else, and it's a good point, but no matter how much better Nick's relationship with Vanessa might be, he's not allowed to tell her because that's no fun for the audience!

Nick and Raven then have their date.  They go ice skating and then Nick brings out a bunch of husky puppies for Raven to play with and I don't care if he breaks up with her, Raven is the real winner of Finland.  Raven says "I hope my kids with Nick are as cute as these puppies," and I hate to break it to her, but nothing is as cute as those puppies.

Anyway, Raven tells Nick she has no hesitations about their relationship, and Nick babbles at her.  At this point it's obvious who is going to win: Vanessa was crying at the end of her last date and Raven is soooo confident and I see what you're trying to pull, producers, but there's no way you're not going to show Vanessa emotionally winning and confident Raven get heartbroken.

Nick then gets to meet with Neil Lane for, what, the fourth time?  He picks out what I hope is the largest diamond yet.

Then we have the rose ceremony.  Raven's up first, gives a speech, and despite Nick's very drawn out words, Raven (and everyone watching) knows immediately he's breaking up with her.  She leaves and Vanessa shows up.  Vanessa tells Chris Harrison, "I'm nervous," and Chris Harrison says, "you should be," which I'm sure didn't help.

Vanessa goes in and Nick launches into his I love you speech.  He says "I'm glad I don't have to try not to say it," which is actually pretty sweet.  They sleigh ride into the sunset.

The End.

But not really, because we have After the Final Rose where Chris Harrison asks questions that makes it seems like he really wanted Nick to have been runner up once again.  We find out Raven is heading to Bachelor in Paradise and that Vanessa is moving to LA.

The, "it's like the queen has arrive" with Rachel coming out for an "epic surprise" (Chris Harrison's words, not mine).

That surprise is that Rachel gets to meet four of her suitors live on ATFR!  It's awkward and a little cringe-y, especially when a white dude says he's "ready to go black and [he's] never gonna go back."  Oof.  Despite that, I am still excited for Rachel's season!!!

"Falling in love is a big leap of faith, and certainly so is jumping in freezing cold water"

This week, we basically had two episodes air on the same night: the "to be continued" portion of the Fantasy Suites and Women Tell All.

Fantasy Suites Part 2

After a brief recap, we see Nick leaving Raven after their Fantasy Suite date.  Raven tells us she's pretty satisfied and that "Nick is good at what he does."  And if that wasn't enough, we get a lengthy montage of Raven skipping around Finland and playing in the snow to an upbeat 80s-ish pop song.

Can we just take a moment to appreciate the fact that
Rachel is wearing a penguin printed onesie?

Rachel and Nick have a lovely date failing at cross country skiing and feeding reindeer.  Rachel does finally say that she's falling in love with Nick, which earns her a night in the Fantasy Suite!

Vanessa and Nick's date consists of  jumping in icy water and then running into a sauna repeatedly in matching swimsuits for a while before trying to discuss the future where neither of them want to move to the other's country.  They don't really resolve anything, but they do go to the Fantasy Suite.

Rachel goes home at the rose ceremony, and we watch a goodbye that would have been heart wrenching if we didn't already know she was the next Bachelorette.

Women Tell All

First of all, we got to watch a montage of people screaming, I mean, of Nick and Chris Harrison crashing viewing parties in LA.  They even "crashed" a Backstreet Boys viewing "party" where they drank rosé with three of the boys.

But on to the show itself!  As if we didn't get enough of it all season, Women Tell All was the Corinne and Taylor showdown.  It was pretty uncomfortable to watch- Corinne didn't listen to a word anyone said and made up her own version of what happened.  It was quite Trump-like, and I don't really want to revisit it.  Corinne also talked about Raquel, her nanny, and how she calls her a nanny because "cleaning lady" is disrespectful.  Everyone said they wanted "a Raquel" and I wonder if they realize Raquel is an actual person and not something they can own?  Anyway, through all this, girls we forgot even existed showed up to yell about the Taylor-Corinne drama half of them weren't even around for.  We never once heard from Danielle M, who made it to the top 6!  This is thanks to Women Tell All being the last chance to earn a spot on Bachelor in Paradise.

We did get a break from the yelling in the form of Liz, with some girl power speeches about being true to your self.  We even found out there is more to her than having once slept with Nick!  Shocking!  We also heard from Kristina (when Chris Harrison told her she "is the American Dream") and then Rachel, who everyone is just thrilled will be the next Bachelorette.  The yelling came back at the this point, but only because all of the women wanted to tell Rachel how beautiful and awesome she is at the same time.  And of course Nick came out to confront them all.  Nick tells Rachel "I think the guys are really lucky to meet you," to which Rachel replies "they are."

"I'm not gonna get engaged just because I'm the Bachelor"

This week's episode was a tale in three almost unrelated acts:

ACT I:  Andi Comes to Call

ACT II:  A Farewell to Corinne

ACT III:  Quoth the Raven: Never-O

Act 1

As teased to us last week, Andi shows up at Nick's hotel room right before the rose ceremony.  He invites her in and offers her a drink.  "I think this conversation might call for some whiskey," she says.  "I'm really curious as to why Andi's here?" Nick muses to the camera, as if he doesn't know this is something producers try to do almost every season.

If you didn't watch Andi's season, here's the cliff notes: Nick made it to the top two and lost to douchebag jock Josh.  During After the Final Rose, Nick asked Andi why she "made love to him" if she wasn't going to pick him and it was awkward and also caused drama for Andi and Josh (who have long been split us).

Back to New York and Nick and Andi today:  they discuss Nick's experience and how he has four strong women left ("and they stuck around?").  Andi asks if Nick is going to have sex with these final three.  He says he doesn't know (yeah, right), and Andi asks if he regrets asking her about their "making love."  He apologizes, in a long roundabout way, but Andi seems ok with it and they hug, she wishes him luck, and leaves.

Act 2

Time for the first rose ceremony in what feels like months!  Raven, Rachel, and Vanessa get roses.  Corinne cries as Nick walks her out.  She apologizes to Nick, who says she has nothing to apologize for.  Then comes the good part: her limo exit.  She starts her drive bemoaning how her heart will never mend and keeps talking until she's declaring she'll never kiss up to a man ever again.  She also asks the camera "why can't I have a normal relationship?" and, uh, what part of going on a TV show to find love did she think would lead to a normal relationship?  With that over with, she takes a nap.

Act 3

Raven gets the first Fantasy Suite week date.  They are in Finland and go on an awesome looking helicopter ride around Urho Kekkonen National Park.  They then play darts in a Finnish pub and it's all fun and dates like the Bachelor should be.  Then they start talking.  And end up arguing about ironing vs steaming clothes and it's so boring, the fact they are enjoying it means they are probably meant for each other.

Side note: Nick is wearing the chunkiest, most turtlenecky of turtleneck sweaters, while Raven is wearing the least useful of sweaters that doesn't cover her shoulders, let alone neck, as if to make up for Nick.

At dinner, Raven gives Nick an actually quite nice and real (real for this show that is) and long declaration of love.  He offers her the Fantasy Suite card, and she gleefully accepts, but wants to make sure Nick knows two things, which we have been hearing about all episode in between shots of their date:
1. She has only been sexually active with one guy she never even said I love you to (this is the guy who cheated on her and she beat him with a stiletto)
2. She's never had an orgasm

So, no pressure, Nick.  And we won't find out if this night has a satisfying ending until next week's three hour extravaganza.

The episode ends with a Rocky-esque montage of Nick running around in the snow and lifting logs over his head.

"Would that be okay with you" is the new "Can I ask for your daughter's hand in marriage"

We start week eight back in week seven- a pattern that is just not going to end this season.  The girls are chilling in their Bimini suite freaked out because Nick is not playing by the rules re: sending girls home at rose ceremonies.

Nick shows up and painstakingly slowly gives a speech to put them out of their misery.  Turns out he's giving them all roses!  The girls are almost giddy with relief.  But, Nick says, "it's a two way street" so he still has to ask them individually in case, you know, the Stockholm Syndrome hadn't actually set in yet.  He even offers Raven a rose although she already got one during the last group date.

For the first hometown visit this season, we head to Hoxie, AL where Raven drives up to Nick on an ATV to whisk him away into the mud.  But, like literally into the mud.  They take a pit stop at a grain bin, which I guess is what Alabaman's call silos, to climb up, because Raven says thats where you have meaningful conversations.  No meaningful conversations today though, because a cop pulls up and yells at them to come down.  He starts interrogating them about if they have their IDs but then, haha, jokes! It's Raven's brother!  I have to say, her brother was a pretty decent actor considering how forced these situations generally seem.  Anyhow, meeting the bro done with, the two have some more ATV racing to attend to before having a water fight and making out in a marsh.

They clean up and head to Raven's parent's home, while we get a voiceover reminding us how Raven's dad got diagnosed with lung cancer a year an a half ago and how she didn't know if he'd make it to meet a guy she brings home.  They sit down and Raven's dad tells her he's cancer free.  It's a pretty big moment for them to share with Raven and some guy who will probably dump her on TV in a couple of weeks.  Raven and her dad then have an emotional conversation where Raven says she would walk down the aisle alone if he died.  Then Nick asks her dad for his blessing, but in a rambling question about if at the end of this he and Raven don't want to say goodbye, would it be ok by dad if they got engaged?  Raven's dad says he trusts his daughter's judgement, so if she's happy, he is.

I think this is how you get weird bacterial diseases?

On to Dallas, TX to be the first white dude Rachel's brought home!  Rachel takes Nick to her church since it's an important part of her life, but also a predominantly black place.  The pastor (reverend? minister?  I'm not up on religious titles, but the guy giving the sermon is who I am referring to) calls out Rachel and welcomes Nick and it's all very wholesome.  Nick and Rachel then talk about how comfortable they are in church and sort of talk about race and how they'd be an interracial couple.

They then go have dinner with Rachel's family and then they all talk about race.  I'm sure they also talked about other things, but this is all we saw.  Knowing that Rachel is the next Bachelorette, this makes sense, as the Bachelor franchise for the first time is going to actually have to talk about real things.  Rachel's sister brings up a good point about how it's great that Nick has no problems with being an interracial couple, but with the climate these days, one has to deal with society as well.  I also liked the moment when Rachel and Nick sat down with her sister and brother-in-law and Nick told them they make them feel comfortable, to which Rachel's sister says, "why, because you all look like us?"  (Rachel's sister is married to a white guy).  Rachel tells her mom she could see herself falling in love with Nick, and despite being the only one who hasn't expressed love for Nick (to him or produces), still seems to be a front runner even though we know they don't end up together.

First race, and now religion: The Bachelor is getting ahead
of itself in bringing up potentially controversial topics!

And for a complete change of pace, we go down to Miami, FL and get a peek into Corinne's world.  Corinne wants to show Nick a typical day in her life, and shockingly, it is not spent at an office running her multi-million dollar business.  They go to an "exclusive" mall.  The retail personnel all know Corinne and even bring her champagne while shopping.  Nick tries on a bunch of expensive clothes and Corinne buys him over $3000 worth of clothes that look similar to clothes I buy at the Gap.  The last time I spent over $3000 dollars on something, it was my graduate school tuition and I had to take out a loan.  Corinne then tells Nick she loves him in a mall restaurant before heading to the penthouse where her family and nanny live.  Before Nick and Corinne show up, we get to see her parents and sister talk about her.  Her sister says "he's older than Corinne, so, like more mature" and her dad says, "strike one, strike two, strike three" and first off, that's only one, maybe two strikes, but sure.  Anyhow, Corinne gets squeals of glee from her family and they all sit down to dinner.  

Raquel serves them food, pours their wine, and then sit down to join them.   It's pretty uncomfortable to watch considering while she's serving them, they are all talking about her and how she was basically a second mom to Corinne.  Corinne also complained that the other girls made fun of her for having a nanny.  Corinne and her dad talk, and her dad is concerned that Nick won't be able to afford Corinne's expensive taste and that she should be prepared for the worst case scenario.  That being Nick is a stay at home dad and Corinne has to work, presumably at her daddy's business.  Corinne's dad brings this up with Nick as well when he does his prepared speech asking for the ok for marrying his daughter.  But after a while, Corinne's dad says "I think Corinne is the lid to Nick's pot," so I guess he approves.

Nick is wearing a $1400 sweatsuit there.

Time to leave the country to visit Montreal, Canada, where Vanessa lives!  And this hometown could not be more different than the extravagant show in Miami.  Vanessa takes Nick to visit the school she teaches at, where she teaches adult's with special needs.  A bunch of students and teachers are waiting to greet them with signs and roses and tears.  It's an emotional homecoming and you can tell how much Vanessa's students care about her, and how much she cares about them.  She and Nick then make a scrapbook of their journey with her students.

Next, Vanessa tells Nick they are going to her mom's and then her dad's separately, since that's how real life would be.  Dinner with Vanessa's mom includes "15 loud Italians" who all care so much about Vanessa, most of them cry during this evening and do not go easy on Nick.  It becomes clear that Nick and Vanessa have not talked about the future and who would move where, which is kind of important.  Vanessa's mom calls Nick out on his response to why he likes Vanessa, as his first answer was about her looks (which is more or less how he answered that question with the other parents).  Then they go to Vanessa's dad's house where Nick does his "would that be ok [if your daughter and I got engaged]" speech, and his dad says he can't and gets Nick to admit, reluctantly, that he's already asked other dads.  They talk some more, and Nick kind of gets the blessing.  Vanessa then finds out from her dad that Nick asked all the girls' dads for permission (emphasis on dads- we did not see Nick asking Rachel's mom for permission since dad wasn't there), and that doesn't sit well with her, but guess what?  We won't know what Vanessa does with these new feelings until next week.

Between her students and family, it's obvious Vanessa needs to
stay in Montreal, so if Nick wants to continue pursuing
TV and modeling or whatever in LA, he really shouldn't pick her.

We end this week with a teaser of Andi showing up with an ominous knock and a "Hello Nick."  Of course, this will amount to nothing more than her giving him advice and good luck.  So, to be continued then.

"Let's dive into bed"

We begin this week with another cliffhanger that is hardly suspenseful considering all of the preview footage we've already seen.  I feel like the editors are really dropping the ball this season with spoilers in every preview of the next episode/rest of season.  For example, Rachel is clearly a frontrunner and perhaps the only person to give Vanessa a run for her money in winning this thing, yet we now know she's the new Bachelorette, so clearly Nick doesn't pick her.

Anyway, Nick comes in to reassure the girls that he thinks one of the six left will probably be his wife and that we're going to Bimini!  The girls cheer and yell "Bimini" more times than the number of viewers who have even heard of Bimini.

Vanessa gets the first one on one date, much to Corinne's chagrin as she's the only one who hasn't gotten a one on one yet, which in her defense, is odd this late in the season.  Vanessa and Nick head off on a yacht, and Vanessa says "I've never been on a boat before" even though we just saw her on one last week.  They go snorkeling by a ship wreck and make-out underwater.  In the evening, they have dinner and Vanessa tells Nick she's falling in love with him.  Nick decides to give her a speech about how he's said I love you on this show before and that he doesn't want to say I love you to more than one person and it really is not the best response to someone declaring their love.

For the group date, Corinne, Raven, and Kristina get to join Nick to swim with sharks.  Corinne really wants the date to go well so she can take Nick home to meet her "nanny slash maid" who is also her "best friend in the entire world," but Nick seems to be paying more attention to Kristina and even helps her rub sunscreen on her inner thigh.  Corinne pouts and complains that she's "literally trying to win over [her] fiancé," which is literally not the case.  Raven is pretty confident that Corinne and Kristina will get eaten by sharks, while she'd just punch them in the face.  Her confidence was not unfounded as she ends up getting the group date rose and the chance to make-out while watching some band Nick had to namedrop.

Real nice camera shot that really sums up this show:
Nick kisses a woman while other women are sad nearby.

Onto Danielle M's one on one date, where they bike around Bimini, play sports with local kids, and Danielle M admits to be "like one hundred and fifty bajillion percent" falling in love with Nick.  They chat about going home to Wisconsin and Nick tells Danielle M that she's "fun to have fun with" and that her "face is pretty great."  Which is apparently not what Nick is looking for in a wife, because he sends her home.  She cries and leaves and the other girls are sad for her.

Corinne wants to make sure Nick doesn't pull that with her and goes to visit Nick.  She says the following statements:
"I'd live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick" (as opposed to all those shacks with diamonds?)
"I am not a runner up" (but you want to marry one, apparently)
"I'm going to blow that room up"
"I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm"
"I know how to make a man feel good and I do way better than anyone else because my heart is gold but my vagine is platinum" (we finally see the context to this quote considering it's been in every season/episode preview montage since night one)
"You must have two hands on at all times.  Never jiggle, lightly massage"  (this she says to Nick behind closed doors)

So if you hadn't picked up on it, Corinne has decided to have sex with Nick.  But since having sex before the fantasy suites (or during, really), hasn't really worked out for him in the past, he turns Corinne down, and she leaves, pretty upset.

During all of the above, all we get to see is shots of this empty
champagne bottle with breathy audio because while Nick and
Corinne were allowed some "alone" time, they were still clearly mic'd 

Next, Rachel gets the last date of the episode, where she and Nick wander around Bimini.  They chat about Nick meeting her parents and she says she's never brought home a white boy before and they reenforce the fact that Nick needs to call her dad "sir."  Considering we know things aren't going to work out (yay #RachelforBachelorette), I'd wager a good amount Rachel's family visit doesn't go very smoothly.

After the date, Rachel goes back to the hotel beaming and makes Corinne even more worried about her place in Nick's heart.  Nick talks to Chris Harrison about knowing already who has to go home.  He shows up at the ladies' hotel, and they all know what's about to happen, but not with whom.  Nick pulls Kristina aside and says all the typical Bachelor things about not wanting to send her home but he feels it in his heart or whatever.  She is obviously quite upset, and the other girls are also pretty upset.  And of course the episode ends here, with a dramatic "coming up" montage of more crying by everyone involved.

"I like him so much but I'd like to choke him"

And we're still in New Orleans at the beginning of this episode.  The big cliffhanger from last week was what was going to happen when Taylor returns to interrupt Nick and Corinne's evening.  Which was nothing, really.  Taylor talked to Nick and told him Corinne is lying about all kinds of stuff, and we get to hear Corinne call Taylor a bitch for the thousandth time.  Nick responds to Taylor with something to the effect of, "uh huh, yeah, sure, I respect you but still need to figure out things for myself."  Translation: "I just need to keep Corinne around until the fantasy suites and I didn't see us getting married so..."

Time for the cocktail party, except, no, wait, Nick's made up his mind and we're going straight to the rose ceremony!  The girls act shaken, but it's not like the cancelled cocktail party doesn't happen every season around this time.  Alexis, Jaimi, and Josephine go home because they have zero relationship with Nick and were just kept around for entertainment (Alexis), a potential gay story line (Jaimi), and a friend for Corinne (Josephine).

Now we head to the island of St. Thomas.  Nick meets the girls on a dock just to whisk Kristina away on a one-on-one date.  They're all a little bummed, but especially Jasmine, since she thought it should be her turn to get some time with Nick.  The girls sit around their hotel room while Vanessa shares this fun fact about how the island used to be owned by Denmark, but has been owned by the US for almost exactly 100 years!  None of the girls are interested.  But then there's a knock on the door and a woman named Lorna walks in and says she's basically their maid.  Corinne lights up at this because her plan for the day of staying in bed and drinking champagne can now include sitting by the pool and having a St. Thomas version of Raquel bring her pina coladas and lobster dip!

Let's go to Nick and Kristina's date for some adult conversation.  Kristina shares with Nick her backstory: she was living in extreme poverty with her mom in Russia, was kicked out when her mom got mad, spent much of her childhood in a Russian orphanage, and then was adopted by an American family.  It's an incredibly heart wrenching story that I can't do justice on a blog I created to judge people.  Nick didn't know how to respond considering his usual response to the girls' sob stories is to talk about getting dumped on TV twice, and that just wasn't going to cut it here.  So she gets the rose, and they make-out surrounded by drummers and dancers they just happen upon.

Time for a group date!  Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., and Jasmine go drink and play beach volleyball.  Then it seems like they skip some major plot points, because all of the sudden, everyone is upset and not wanting to continue to play volleyball.  We only see one conversation, with Nick and Jasmine, where Jasmine confronts Nick about not noticing her and tells him she wants to choke him.  Realizing this isn't a great thing to say, she tries to make it a sexual joke and mimes choking him and says the word choke way too many times.  Nick is clearly uncomfortable.  Then we see shots of the girls crying and sitting morosely on the beach, and Nick staring out to sea, discouraged.

Luckily, Nick has the evening to try to salvage this date, but it doesn't really work.  All of the girls tell him it's difficult and today sucked.  Jasmine brings up choking him again and he sends her home.

So with that to set the mood, Nick heads into a two-on-one date with Whitney and Danielle L.  It is the shortest date in Bachelor history.  He briefly talks to them individually and then sends Whitney home.  He and Danielle L. head out in a helicopter and leave Whitney alone on the deserted beach.  Danielle L. informs us she is "inches away from falling off that cliff" of falling in love.  At dinner, Nick lets Danielle L. babble until she admits she's actually falling off that cliff and then sends her home.

Nick feels shitty for sending these lovely ladies home, and goes to visit the six women who somehow still want to marry him to cry about having to break up with hot girls.  He leaves them all a little freaked out and we get another goddamn to be continued ending.

post script: sorry for the lack of visuals this episode recap.  I will, however, leave you with this shot of the girls talking about Nick in bed at the hotel with an artistic perspective made, I'm sure, to include empty wine bottles: