"I love you, Bye."

We start with the typical Finale intro with clips of the lead being indecisive about their decision.  And, since this is the Finale, we are watching it live with Chris Harrison and a studio audience.  Chris Harrison promises us this will be a tearjerker.

On to the Maldives, where Becca is comparing the two relationships.  She muses that "with Garrett, it's been a little slower" which is meaningless considering he got the first impression rose AND the first kiss.  Anyway, before she gets one last date with the final two, they get to meet Becca's family.  Becca's uncles, mom, and sister are there to grill the guys.  Both guys make good impressions on the family and tell her she can't make a bad choice.  Becca was hoping her family would help her pick.  She tells them she thought it'd be Blake from the beginning, but Garrett snuck up on her.  She says she "doesn't want to hurt anyone, ever," to which her mom says, "well, it's going to happen."

Garrett's last date was actually pretty cool: they took a boat out to the equator and saw tons of dolphins.  On Blake's last date, they just biked around and made-out on a beach.  Both men then get a one-on-one with Neil Lane to pick out a ring.

Garrett and Blake take pensive boat rides to the rose ceremony.  Blake is up first, and Becca lets him give a lovey speech before stopping him right before he was clearly ready to propose.  She tells him he wasn't wrong in feeling like they were on the same page and he leaves to sob in a towel.  They cut to Blake sitting with Chris Harrison in the "live" portion of the finale.  He says it was difficult to watch (duh).  They chat about closure and stuff and Blake says he's glad Becca's happy.  Which is good, because now he has to watch Garrett propose to the girl of his dreams.

Back in the Maldives, Garrett begins his speech, and Becca interrupts him to finally say she loves him back.  He proposes, they get engaged, they drink lots of champagne, and Becca gives him the final rose.

Now it's officially After the Final Rose where Becca and Garrett can be a couple in public for the first time.  They pay some lip service to Neil Lane, watch a cutesy video of their secret weekends post show together, and check in on the rose bush they planted in Manteca during Garrett's hometown.  Then Garrett addresses some social media faux pas in the vaguest way, sort of apologizing but not really taking responsibility for his actions.  Apparently (and I had to look this up afterward), Garrett liked some transphobic, xenophobic, right-wing garbage posts on instagram and the internet was not okay with it.  Becca claims she got to know Garrett away from social media so she knows his soul or whatever, which kind of sounds like saving face, considering she is a fairly outspoken liberal on social media.  Anyway, after pretending to be serious for a minute, Chris Harrison sends the happy couple outside where a minivan is waiting for them (license plate: FNLROSE), an homage to Garrett's "limo" entrance.

We end the finale with a preview for Bachelor in Paradise, which promises lots of pretty people crying on the beach.

Becca and Alls She Want

Fantasy Suite week: the week where all the contestants talk about the importance of having quality alone time, while everyone watching knows they just want to have sex.  Anyway, They are in Thailand and Blake gets the first date.

Becca and Blake go on a hike to a sacred temple, so they can't touch and kiss for most of the date.  At the temple, some monks give them advice about marriage (honesty, compromise, patience, and giving).  They they ring a bell that shares their love and then sprint back to the threshold where they can make out again.  In the evening, Blake tells Becca his fears about her falling for the other men.  She talks about how she felt last year, but doesn't deny feelings for the other men here.  It soothes Blake, so he tells her again how much he loves her and they kiss some more.  She hands him the Fantasy Suite Card, to which he replies, "Uh, Yeah!"  The next time we see them, it's morning and they are cuddling, still in bed.  Blake is anxious that this is the last time he'll be able to wake up next to her.  He feels so strongly, "like no way she has this with any other guy."  It's gonna be hard for him to watch this show...

The next day, Becca and Jason wander around a Thai market.  They weirdly dance in the middle of a street performance, eat crickets, and look at pretty architecture.  Becca has a weird freak out after saying something about the future and tells us she "feels weird" eight dozen times.  Basically she knows he's not the one, but judging by how he's the best kisser, she was probably looking forward to the fantasy suite, but she'd feel guilty about sleeping with him and immediately dumping him.  She has dinner with him anyway just in case, you know, she falls in love with a third guy last minute (she's already admitted to falling in love with Blake and Garrett).  Jason babbles about how great it was to tell his family that he loves her, only for her to tell him she sees a future more with two other dudes.  Jason is crushed, obviously, and Becca goes to cry in the fantasy suite.  She sobs, "like, I literally just did to him what Arie did to me."  Like, you literally did not: Arie proposed to you and planned for the future with you.  You never even slept with Jason; he's going to be ok.

Garrett's date is by far the coolest: they bamboo raft down a river where there is what looks like a bamboo raft party going on plus a bunch of elephants!  They do not seem appropriately excited by the elephants.  Garrett rambles incoherently and tells Becca this journey has made him better at communicating.  They kiss, and Becca hopes to hear "I love you" before the night is up.  She gets her wish.  Garrett hopes Becca is the last girl he "has to say" that too.  How romantic.  They head to the Fantasy Suite which is a tent in a tree house.  The next morning it's raining and they drink mimosas and it looks lovely.

Becca stares pensively out the window in preparation for her rose ceremony when there's a knock on the door.  Jason is back to get some closure and give her a scrapbook of their journey, since what the heck is he going to do with that now?  Becca tells us "the world needs more Jasons" and then takes a boat to the other guys.  Blake and Garrett show up one by one and you can just see the nerves leave their faces when Becca shows up sans Jason.  She still hands out roses, with looong pauses before each name even though there is approximately zero suspense here.

Next week it's on to the Maldives and meeting Becca's family!

Becca and "The Best Kisser in the Entire World"

We begin Hometowns Week in sunny California; Garrett is from Manteca, a Central Valley farming city that always makes me sing this song.  They ride around on a planter and try to plant tomatoes on Garrett's family's land.  Then they more successfully plant a rose bush.  Then Becca gets to meet Garrett's parents, older sister & husband, and twin brother & wife.  They are all protective of Garrett and don't want to see him hurt again.  They all like Becca though, so Garrett's pleased.

Next up, we go across the country to Buffalo, New York, where Jason brings her to a bar to enter a wing eating contest.  Apparently ranch is NOT a thing in Buffalo.  People chant "eat those wings" and they eat some wings.  People chant "kiss" and they kiss.  Next, Jason takes her to a hockey rink and makes all kinds of hockey/love metaphors mostly about teamwork.  They ride the Zamboni and make-out, I'm sure much to the chagrin of the Zamboni driver.  Jason's is the smallest family we meet: his parents and his brother & brother-in-law.  Jason tells his dad he's falling for her immensely, and follows up with, "it's insane that I'm saying that.  It's wild to think that's coming out of my mouth.  He sings his praises of Becca to his brother, who asks if he's told Becca how he feels (he hasn't, and his brother is like, what are you waiting for?!).  They all like her, Jason tells her he loves her, everyone is happy and supportive.

Another cold place is next: snowy Bailey, Colorado.  Blake inadvertently shares that he peaked in high school while they wander around saying hi to his old teachers.  They have a serous moment where Blake shares that his school fell victim to a school shooting when he was a senior.  To not end on a sad note before meeting the fam, Blake (but more likely the shows producers) has arranged a concert in his school auditorium.  It's Becca's favorite singer, Betty Who (that's not a question, though it kind of is... good thing Becca's favorite singer is concert-on-The-Bachelor level famous).  Then they go meet Blake's family.  They don't introduce the viewers to everyone, but it would appear that this meeting included both Blake's parents and associate step-parents and maybe his sisters?  Blake's mom has a reasonable response to Blake falling in love on this show: "That's crazy.  That's freaking crazy."  Again, though, the family is fairly supportive and are happy if Blake is happy.

Last, and kind of least, since he is the youngest, Colton gets to show Becca around his hometown of Parker, Colorado.  They buy some toys and visit a children's hospital and it's pretty cute.  Becca and Colton both thought the other was great with kids.  Colton then takes Becca home to meet 18 of his family members.  Colton talks about being a virgin with his mom, and talks to his dad about handling things like a man.  It's all kind of awkward, but the family seems to like Becca enough.  Colton admits to being in love with her and Becca says she's falling for him, too.

Back in LA, we get a girl chat before the rose ceremony.  Caroline, Kendall, Bekah M, Sienne, and Tia are back in a contrived situation so that Tia has a opportunity to stir up some drama.  Turns out she still has feelings for Colton.  Becca is frustrated since Colton is, like, sooo hot and also said he loved her, but also she doesn't want to lose a friend.  If only she had three other guys in love with her to fall back on!  Oh wait, she does.

The guys arrive one by one to the rose ceremony where Chris Harrison greets them and walks them in.  For some reason, Colton asks Chris Harrison advice about being intimate in the Fantasy Suite.  Scroll down and read this recap by Sharleen Joynt of Juan Pablo's season for the play by play.  It's pretty funny.  Anyway, Becca arrives, speechifies about how hard this decision is, and sends Colton home.  And no need to feel bad for Colton- he's off to Bachelor in Paradise with Tia waiting for him.

Becca and "A Bronzed God, If You Will"

This week we're in the Bahamas!  Becca will take the six remaining men on four dates: three of them get one-on-ones and the other three get a three-on-one.  Becca collects Colton for the first date while the other guys look sad.

PSA for anyone looking to be on one of these shows: do not tell the producers you are a virgin if you don't want a date chock full of euphemisms.  Becca thinks Colton is "a bronzed god, if you will," and is clearly physically attracted to him.  They ride around on a catamaran and then go diving for conch shells.  Some dude on a yellow painted boat shows them how to pull the pistol out of the conch and explains that this is Bahamian Viagra.  They eat it, it's gross, they make-out.  That evening they discuss Colton's inexperience with dating and love and also sex.  Becca is surprised, but doesn't judge.  I think it helped that he said he's not necessarily waiting for marriage, just love.  He gets the rose, surprising the rest of the guys who thought maybe Becca wouldn't be able to get past the virgin thing.

Garrett gets one-on-one number two, and we see glimpses of Blake starting to unravel and second guess how Becca feels about him.  Garrett and Becca get to go island hopping in a sea plane.  They make out in lots of sandy places.  Becca thinks everything physical is there with Garrett, but needs more depth, so that evening she asks questions to help gain some depth.  Apparently the depth she wasted was just if he's ready again to be engaged again after his last time not working out so well.  I guess he gives a satisfactory answer because Becca gives him a rose and they run off into the sea, never to be seen again make out lots more.

Blake gets the next one-on-one, so we don't get to see him have a nervous break down after all.  They go to a beach party where we learn that the Baha Men are still around and have a new song out.  In the evening, Blake talks about his family drama: his mom had an affair with his English teacher/basketball coach which was not great mentally for a teenager.  He also tells Becca he loves her and Becca says that they "are on the same page, but he doesn't know it yet."

Time for the last group date of the season!  Jason, Leo, and Wills go meet Becca for some volleyball before she talks to/kisses them all.  Leo asks where he stands, and Becca acknowledges that he's not as far a long as the other guys, so she grabs Jason and Wills and they leave Leo on the beach.  Now a two-on-one, Wills tells Becca he loves her, Jason's not ready to say it, but she's more on Jason's page, so Wills gets sent home.  There's a lot of sad sighing, both on and off screen (#WillsForBachelor).

And that's all for the Bahamas!

Becca and "the best looking guy in the house"

We start this week's episode still in last week's episode.  The cocktail party is in full swing- Blake and Becca talk about how many kids they want and that they want to name their daughters traditionally boys' names.  The gentlemen give a toast to David who is still in the hospital while Jordan sulks in the corner.  He goes to chat with Becca who gives him gold shot-shorts and calls him Captain Underpants.  Coincidentally (but not actually because the producers of this show have figured out bad timing after a million seasons of this thing), David returns while Jordan is with Becca who immediately wants to go say hi.  David looks pretty busted up, but everyone is happy he's back.  Except Jordan, of course, who has a nice little monologue about how David is trying to save face but "has no face to save" and that he, Jordan, is "one of the better looking guys in the house.  Some of the guys think [he's] the best looking guy in the house."  Ugh, someone needs to knock this guy down a few pegs.  Jordan goes on to say he's pretty confident about getting a rose 'cause he's super hot and David's face: "it's just a Picasso.  You know, the clock's over here, the beach is there."  Jordan is confusing Picasso with Dali and I don't know why I'm surprised the male model isn't good with art history that even I, a scientist who's avoided the humanities, knows.  Much to Jordan's dismay, Becca gives David a rose and tells him to go rest and that he doesn't have to sit through the rose ceremony.  Jordan is so confident and, like the best, he rants at everyone about how he's Captain Underpants, and he is reaaaallllly letting David get into his head.  Anyway, the rose ceremony happens; Nick is wearing a track suit for some reason, and Ryan and Mike go home.  No one has heard Ryan or Mike speak this whole season, so, no surprises there.

UTAH!

Time to leave LA!  We jump right into the dates.  Garrett gets the first one-on-one date.  They wander around Park City doing cute touristy things before taking a gondola up a mountain to go bobsledding with some actual Olympians: Valerie and Shauna are not only 2006 Olympic Silver medalists, but they're married, so I guess this date activity is a metaphor for love, too.  Looks intense and fun and Becca and Garrett get champagne and a make-out session at the end.

Back at the house, we learn that Lincoln is a flat-earther and luckily the rest of the guys are as bewildered at his stupidity as the rest of us.  There's hope for some of them yet.

Back to Becca and Garrett.  In the evening portion of the date, Becca ask's about Garrett's past relationships.  Turns out, Garrett was married and "one thing led to another, and we got divorced."  What, what?  When I say "one thing led to another" it's more like, there were free tequila shots and "one thing led to another and" I puked or, I was watching The Bachelorette and "one thing led to another and" I drank a whole bottle of rosé.  Divorce maybe needs slightly more of an explanation.  Garrett blames the whole thing on the girl, and Becca claims to be concerned, but also she finds Garrett, like, so cute, so he gets the rose.  Oh, and a country concert where they dance and kiss on a little stage while Bachelor fans take pictures and ignore the country artist we've never heard of.

Group date time!  Thirteen of the dudes still left get to compete in a lumberjack competition.  They don matching flannel and throw logs around.  But that evening, the drama begins.  We get two dramatic story lines!  First off, Jordan is pissing the guys off, but it's not David this time that gets riled up.  Chris and Colton pull Jordan aside to confront him about not being here for the right reasons.  As all of these confrontations go, it is not remotely productive.  They call each other names and nothing is resolved.  Then Jean Blanc spirals.  He's clearly very insecure and decides to give Becca a perfume named "Miss Becca Blanc", plant a kiss on her, and proclaim falling in love.  Hooooo boy is it awkward.  And it only gets worse.  Becca tells him she's just not feeling it and starts to walk him out.  He stops her to throw a hail mary and claim he didn't really mean the falling in love thing and that he was just saying what he though she wanted him to say.  She was rightfully taken aback, so he tries to take that back too... She cancels the rest of the night.

Wills gets the second one-on-one this week.  Becca is still distracted by the whole Jean Blanc debacle, but Wills is a total sweetheart and they snowmobile and drink champagne in the snow, and it's super sweet.

As per usual around this time of the season, Becca cancels the cocktail party and they all go straight to the rose ceremony.  Everyone blames Jean Blanc.  Christen and Nick fail to get roses.  Jordan is pissed because he got the last rose and he's never gotten last place in anything before.  In fact, he beats out other male models all the time.  He leaves us with this nonsense: "I'm like a sponge.  You can squeeze me and get everything out of me but you'll never know unless you try."  Good grief.