"My heart is beating" -some brilliant commentary by JoJo

And now time to recap the Hometowns episode: where we get to see what kind of families raised men who think going on television is a great way to find a wife.

Chase: Divorce, Divorce, Divorce

In Colorado, or just on a movie set?

First up, we head to Colorado where Chase lives, and it is snowy and beautiful.  JoJo and Chase are going to meet Chase's dad first (since his parents, we learn, had a messy divorce).  Chase decides this is a really good time to ask why his dad and mom's relationship failed.  Then Chase talks to his dad alone (which may have been a better time to bring up the divorce?), and for the first time, I see a personality in Chase.

Next stop: meeting the mom, step-dad, sister and her family.  They're all pretty reasonable, nice people, and it goes well.  Chase and his sister talk about how they were both hurt by divorce and then Chase and his mom cry about love, to which his mom says "crying is not our style."  Chase tells JoJo he's falling in love with her as she leaves.

Jordan: The Aaron Rodgers Story

"the spicy child"

Next up: we go west to Chico, CA where we get further evidence that Jordan peaked in high school since he takes JoJo to his high school and introduces her to random teachers and coaches.  JoJo asks if some picture is Aaron Rodgers and Jordan changes the subject.  "You could tell it hurt him to bring it up," JoJo says, right before bringing it up again while they sit on some bleachers.  He more or less tells her not to bring him up.  So of course, when JoJo sits down with Jordan's other brother, Luke, she brings it up.  Luke says they all miss Aaron and it's hard to talk about and then the rest of the evening is boring because there is no more talk about the Aaron Rodgers drama.

Robby: The Hope Saga

For a total change of scenery, we go down to Florida, where Robby is from.  The theme of this date is Robby's ex girlfriend.  Right after JoJo tells Robby's mom she's falling in love with him, Robby's mom thinks it's a great idea tell Robby that his ex's roommate is putting rumors out into the world.  Namely the rumor that Robby broke up with this Hope girl just to go on the Bachelorette.  Robby breaks up what looks to be a nice chat JoJo is having with his sisters to tell JoJo about this.  He is a little too defensive about the whole thing and even says that he's "here for the wrong reasons" (even if he was quoting someone else).

Luke: Nicholas Spark's new leading man

Red solo cup, I fill you up
Let's have a party!

Time to head to the Lone Star State and into a country rom-com movie starting Luke.  Luke invites what looks like to be his entire town to a BBQ, and then he and JoJo ride off into the sunset on horses to sit on a bench made of hay, and walk through a candle-lit path to a giant heart made of flower petals where Luke tells JoJo his heart is hers.

In Conclusion:

What's more romantic than an airplane hangar?

Time for the rose ceremony and JoJo thinks she knows what's up until Luke pulls her aside to actually utter the L word.  Now that all the guys have told her they love her and none of them look that different from each other, JoJo has a break down and we get the worst image in Bachelor nation: a To Be Continued.

"A Beautiful Disaster Story"

"Chad somehow stuck around," laments one dude as the cameras pan around at empty glasses, plates of meat, and trash that I wonder if the guys have to clean up.  If you thought last week's episode featured a ridiculous amount of The Chad, then hold on tight, because the next two are going full on Chad.

Let's get the first one-on-one date out of the way: Chase.  Chase and JoJo go to the weirdest couples yoga class and do things like "angergasms" and "yubyums."  It's incredibly awkward, but they end up making out, so good for Chase.  In the evening portion, Chase tells JoJo about how his parents are divorced and he never wants that for himself.  "I don't want to rush into things because I only want to get married once so I came on this show where I might get engaged after spending approximately 48 hours with a girl who's dating some other dudes the whole time," says Chase (I'm paraphrasing).  JoJo gives him the rose and they attend a private concert of some band I've never heard of.

And it's Chad time!  Back at the mansion, when Chad isn't working out, he's eating meat and figuring out how much protein he's intaking.  Evan says Chad's enormous muscles make him look like a cartoon character.  I'm thinking a bearded Gaston.  The group data card arrives and it's Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and *dramatic pause* Chad.  Chad straight up says he doesn't want to go on a date with so many other guys, and the rest of the guys completely jump down his throat.  Chad's calling everyone names and says he'll just chill here and get alone time with JoJo later and Jordan says hey, it's a group date so there's probably a competition so "whatever team Chad's on should hope it's bench press and not a spelling bee."  The other guys love that but Chad tells Jordan he's just a failed pigskin thrower and Alex decides to tell Chad he's not afraid of him so Chad tells him he needs more tattoos to be a badass.  Needless to say, tempers are running a bit hot going into this date.

The date itself is pretty uncomfortable for the guys: they have to tell a room full of people a personal story about sex.  Chad is angrily sulking because he doesn't think his sex life is any of JoJo's business yet.  Evan, the erectile dysfunction expert, is all about this date.  Daniel gets asked his favorite bodily fluid and he responds "poo," and why is he still here?  Anyway, we see a montage of the stories, and I guess it's pretty entertaining, though we don't really get to hear the full stories.  Then Evan comes up and does a "PSA" about the effects of steroids that is so clearly a dis on Chad.  When returning to his seat, there's a "weird altercation" and Chad ends up ripping Evan's shirt.  Chad is the grand finale and asks for a volunteer, JoJo, to come on stage.  He says something dumb about how his sex life is in the past and this show is about the future and tries to kiss JoJo.  She turns her head and the guys are thrilled.  Alex gives a standing ovation.

They head back stage where Alex is giving out chest bumps and everyone is Team Evan.  Chad punches a door so hard he's bleeding.  He then begins his new favorite pastime of threatening people, starting with Evan.

"If I can't lift weights, I'm going to murder someone."

Evening time and all the bros AND JoJo are wearing leather jackets.  JoJo talks to some guys, but the real show is Chad hovering around making everyone nervous.  Evan asks Chad why he's there and says he owes him an apology.  Chad tells Evan to stop being a bully and stay the fuck away from him.  Chad finally gets to talk to JoJo, who is concerned.  He goes into a speech about how the other guys think he's a bully, so they're bullying him for being a bully?  It's unclear, but we don't get much clarification since Evan swoops in to steal JoJo.  Chad mumbles angrily away.  Evan gives JoJo an ultimatum: "I'm not going to stay here if [Chad] stays here."

Time for the group date rose, and JoJo gives it to Evan.  JoJo tells the guys this is always such a hard decision and Chad looks on in disbelief.  "Is this real?  Is this a real scenario right now?"  No and Yes, Chad.  JoJo probably was urged to choose Evan to create more Chad drama, so it's probably not all that real since does anyone see Evan winning this thing?  But, yes, Chad, this is a real scenario on this show.  Also, the guys have requested security guards in the house.

Next we get a quick break from The Chad Story for a date with James Taylor.  JoJo and James Taylor are done up to look like they're in the '50s and learn how to swing dance from an old lady.  It's adorable, and when they leave, they are swept up in a swing dance flash mob.  James Taylor is an awful dancer, but tries so hard.  Later that evening he tells JoJo how he was kind of a dork growing up, sings her a song he wrote, and he gets the rose and a kiss.

And now we have my favorite conversation of the night: Daniel trying to unfriend Chad.
Daniel decides to start with, "Let's pretend you're Hitler."
"Let's not pretend I'm Hitler" - a fair response from Chad.
Daniel tries to think of someone else to compare him with and comes up with Mussolini, Trump, and Bush, so I'm sure Chad is going to take into consideration what Daniel is trying to say.

It's almost time for the cocktail party, but here comes Chris Harrison, so just kidding!  He is here to inform the men that there will be a pool party instead of the cocktail party.  Evan chases Chris Harrison outside to express his Chad concerns.  Chris Harrison has a little chat with Chad and suggests maybe he should do something about his impact on the house.

Chad walks back into the house while the rest of the men look nervous.

Fade to Black.

TO BE CONTINUED (aka the worst ending this show can have, and I have a feeling this is just the beginning).

In which no one has salt with their tequila shots

(At least they had limes.)

This week, Ben and his 11 girlfriends headed to Mexico City.
*cue dramatic Mexican-ish music*

Olivia starts off strong, talking about how Ben validates her, and how they have a "love language" and how she should get the one-on-one date.  She doesn't get one though.  Amanda, the single mom, gets the first date in Mexico, leading Olivia on a mom-bashing rant about how she knows what Ben wants, and it's not moms.

If you didn't think waking the girls up isn't the creepiest
gimmick on The Bachelor, just look at Ben's face.

On to the date!  To start the date, Ben decides to wake all of the girls up at 4:30 am.  All the girls freak out about how they look in the morning and how unfair it is that Amanda looks flawless right out of bed.  Olivia is afraid Ben will smell her "dragon breath" and Lauren H. is shy about her retainer (to which Ben says, "I sleep with a retainer too, don't worry").  Ben of course thinks "they all looked beautiful today, without hair, without make-up," since we all know girls don't have hair when they sleep.  After unnecessarily waking everyone up from their beauty sleep, Ben takes Amanda on a hot air balloon ride to a picnic.   Ben is suddenly an expert on the various pyramids they fly over and for once the girl doesn't squeal about being afraid of heights.  Later, at dinner, Amanda opens up about her jerk of an ex-husband, earning her a rose.

The group date sends Ben and the girls to Spanish Class.  The teacher has Ben tell them individually, but in front of the rest of the girls, that he loves them and wants to kiss them in Spanish.  This makes Jubilee really uncomfortable and when it's her turn, she tells Ben he already said that to other girls.  Olivia takes a different approach because even though she just watched Ben profess his love and devotion to eight other women, when he said it to her, there was "electriciTAY."

Next, they head to a market/restaurant and pair off to buy ingredients and cook fancy Mexican food.  Because, as we all know, "if you know how to cook, you're ready to get married."  Olivia, yet again, swoops in on Ben and forces him to be her partner and also to eat crickets.

Emily is everyone's internal monologue this episode in regard to Olivia

Tensions are still high going into the evening portion.  Jubilee is not handling this date-a-guy-who-has-ten-other-girlfriends thing well.  Jubilee tells Ben how difficult things are and how it's hard being overshadowed.  Ben is hurt because Jubilee wouldn't hold his hand.  Long story shot, Ben sends Jubilee home.  He goes back and, to everyone's chagrin, Olivia gets the group date rose.  Olivia graciously lets them know they don't have to congratulate her.

Group date number two takes Ben and Lauren H. to a poncho shop where they get to talk to the designer who just happens to want to invite them to a fashion show that happens to be this evening as his guests!  And surprise!  Not only do they get to go behind the scenes, Ben and Lauren H. get to be models!  Lauren H. is pretty intimidated, and I don't blame her.  Ben gives her a pep talk, they crush it, and then take tequila shots out of plastic cups.  Dinner time conversation reveals that Amanda's not the only one with a cheating ex.  Ben just loves these stories and gives Lauren H. a rose.  Then they get a private concert!  Sort of.  It's a harpist on the street, but they are his only spectators and make-out while he performs, so same difference.

The cocktail party brings DRAMA and we're set up for the most DRAMATIC episode EVER next week!  The girls are asking Amanda about her daughters and if her shitty ex gets to see them and Olivia thinks it's a good time to share her bad taste in TV by stating "I feel like it's an episode of teen mom."  The girls all take offense at this and Emily decides she has to do something and tells Ben how mean Olivia is and cries.  She then calls her twin and cries to her about how Olivia's the worst, which she kind of is.  Surprisingly, unlike in every season before, Ben doesn't get rid of the snitch (yet), but says "if someone's causing Emily pain, she's not the woman for me."  Ben is concerned, and the rest of the girls corroborate Emily's "Olivia's a bitch" story.

It's rose ceremony time, but first, Ben wants to talk to Olivia.  The girls looked surprised but hope he breaks the rules and takes away her rose.  Then we get our first, and hopefully our last, "To Be Continued..." of the season.

The Mouth is back

I don't even know.

What even are you, Olivia?