"I love you, Bye."

We start with the typical Finale intro with clips of the lead being indecisive about their decision.  And, since this is the Finale, we are watching it live with Chris Harrison and a studio audience.  Chris Harrison promises us this will be a tearjerker.

On to the Maldives, where Becca is comparing the two relationships.  She muses that "with Garrett, it's been a little slower" which is meaningless considering he got the first impression rose AND the first kiss.  Anyway, before she gets one last date with the final two, they get to meet Becca's family.  Becca's uncles, mom, and sister are there to grill the guys.  Both guys make good impressions on the family and tell her she can't make a bad choice.  Becca was hoping her family would help her pick.  She tells them she thought it'd be Blake from the beginning, but Garrett snuck up on her.  She says she "doesn't want to hurt anyone, ever," to which her mom says, "well, it's going to happen."

Garrett's last date was actually pretty cool: they took a boat out to the equator and saw tons of dolphins.  On Blake's last date, they just biked around and made-out on a beach.  Both men then get a one-on-one with Neil Lane to pick out a ring.

Garrett and Blake take pensive boat rides to the rose ceremony.  Blake is up first, and Becca lets him give a lovey speech before stopping him right before he was clearly ready to propose.  She tells him he wasn't wrong in feeling like they were on the same page and he leaves to sob in a towel.  They cut to Blake sitting with Chris Harrison in the "live" portion of the finale.  He says it was difficult to watch (duh).  They chat about closure and stuff and Blake says he's glad Becca's happy.  Which is good, because now he has to watch Garrett propose to the girl of his dreams.

Back in the Maldives, Garrett begins his speech, and Becca interrupts him to finally say she loves him back.  He proposes, they get engaged, they drink lots of champagne, and Becca gives him the final rose.

Now it's officially After the Final Rose where Becca and Garrett can be a couple in public for the first time.  They pay some lip service to Neil Lane, watch a cutesy video of their secret weekends post show together, and check in on the rose bush they planted in Manteca during Garrett's hometown.  Then Garrett addresses some social media faux pas in the vaguest way, sort of apologizing but not really taking responsibility for his actions.  Apparently (and I had to look this up afterward), Garrett liked some transphobic, xenophobic, right-wing garbage posts on instagram and the internet was not okay with it.  Becca claims she got to know Garrett away from social media so she knows his soul or whatever, which kind of sounds like saving face, considering she is a fairly outspoken liberal on social media.  Anyway, after pretending to be serious for a minute, Chris Harrison sends the happy couple outside where a minivan is waiting for them (license plate: FNLROSE), an homage to Garrett's "limo" entrance.

We end the finale with a preview for Bachelor in Paradise, which promises lots of pretty people crying on the beach.

Becca and Alls She Want

Fantasy Suite week: the week where all the contestants talk about the importance of having quality alone time, while everyone watching knows they just want to have sex.  Anyway, They are in Thailand and Blake gets the first date.

Becca and Blake go on a hike to a sacred temple, so they can't touch and kiss for most of the date.  At the temple, some monks give them advice about marriage (honesty, compromise, patience, and giving).  They they ring a bell that shares their love and then sprint back to the threshold where they can make out again.  In the evening, Blake tells Becca his fears about her falling for the other men.  She talks about how she felt last year, but doesn't deny feelings for the other men here.  It soothes Blake, so he tells her again how much he loves her and they kiss some more.  She hands him the Fantasy Suite Card, to which he replies, "Uh, Yeah!"  The next time we see them, it's morning and they are cuddling, still in bed.  Blake is anxious that this is the last time he'll be able to wake up next to her.  He feels so strongly, "like no way she has this with any other guy."  It's gonna be hard for him to watch this show...

The next day, Becca and Jason wander around a Thai market.  They weirdly dance in the middle of a street performance, eat crickets, and look at pretty architecture.  Becca has a weird freak out after saying something about the future and tells us she "feels weird" eight dozen times.  Basically she knows he's not the one, but judging by how he's the best kisser, she was probably looking forward to the fantasy suite, but she'd feel guilty about sleeping with him and immediately dumping him.  She has dinner with him anyway just in case, you know, she falls in love with a third guy last minute (she's already admitted to falling in love with Blake and Garrett).  Jason babbles about how great it was to tell his family that he loves her, only for her to tell him she sees a future more with two other dudes.  Jason is crushed, obviously, and Becca goes to cry in the fantasy suite.  She sobs, "like, I literally just did to him what Arie did to me."  Like, you literally did not: Arie proposed to you and planned for the future with you.  You never even slept with Jason; he's going to be ok.

Garrett's date is by far the coolest: they bamboo raft down a river where there is what looks like a bamboo raft party going on plus a bunch of elephants!  They do not seem appropriately excited by the elephants.  Garrett rambles incoherently and tells Becca this journey has made him better at communicating.  They kiss, and Becca hopes to hear "I love you" before the night is up.  She gets her wish.  Garrett hopes Becca is the last girl he "has to say" that too.  How romantic.  They head to the Fantasy Suite which is a tent in a tree house.  The next morning it's raining and they drink mimosas and it looks lovely.

Becca stares pensively out the window in preparation for her rose ceremony when there's a knock on the door.  Jason is back to get some closure and give her a scrapbook of their journey, since what the heck is he going to do with that now?  Becca tells us "the world needs more Jasons" and then takes a boat to the other guys.  Blake and Garrett show up one by one and you can just see the nerves leave their faces when Becca shows up sans Jason.  She still hands out roses, with looong pauses before each name even though there is approximately zero suspense here.

Next week it's on to the Maldives and meeting Becca's family!

Becca and "The Best Kisser in the Entire World"

We begin Hometowns Week in sunny California; Garrett is from Manteca, a Central Valley farming city that always makes me sing this song.  They ride around on a planter and try to plant tomatoes on Garrett's family's land.  Then they more successfully plant a rose bush.  Then Becca gets to meet Garrett's parents, older sister & husband, and twin brother & wife.  They are all protective of Garrett and don't want to see him hurt again.  They all like Becca though, so Garrett's pleased.

Next up, we go across the country to Buffalo, New York, where Jason brings her to a bar to enter a wing eating contest.  Apparently ranch is NOT a thing in Buffalo.  People chant "eat those wings" and they eat some wings.  People chant "kiss" and they kiss.  Next, Jason takes her to a hockey rink and makes all kinds of hockey/love metaphors mostly about teamwork.  They ride the Zamboni and make-out, I'm sure much to the chagrin of the Zamboni driver.  Jason's is the smallest family we meet: his parents and his brother & brother-in-law.  Jason tells his dad he's falling for her immensely, and follows up with, "it's insane that I'm saying that.  It's wild to think that's coming out of my mouth.  He sings his praises of Becca to his brother, who asks if he's told Becca how he feels (he hasn't, and his brother is like, what are you waiting for?!).  They all like her, Jason tells her he loves her, everyone is happy and supportive.

Another cold place is next: snowy Bailey, Colorado.  Blake inadvertently shares that he peaked in high school while they wander around saying hi to his old teachers.  They have a serous moment where Blake shares that his school fell victim to a school shooting when he was a senior.  To not end on a sad note before meeting the fam, Blake (but more likely the shows producers) has arranged a concert in his school auditorium.  It's Becca's favorite singer, Betty Who (that's not a question, though it kind of is... good thing Becca's favorite singer is concert-on-The-Bachelor level famous).  Then they go meet Blake's family.  They don't introduce the viewers to everyone, but it would appear that this meeting included both Blake's parents and associate step-parents and maybe his sisters?  Blake's mom has a reasonable response to Blake falling in love on this show: "That's crazy.  That's freaking crazy."  Again, though, the family is fairly supportive and are happy if Blake is happy.

Last, and kind of least, since he is the youngest, Colton gets to show Becca around his hometown of Parker, Colorado.  They buy some toys and visit a children's hospital and it's pretty cute.  Becca and Colton both thought the other was great with kids.  Colton then takes Becca home to meet 18 of his family members.  Colton talks about being a virgin with his mom, and talks to his dad about handling things like a man.  It's all kind of awkward, but the family seems to like Becca enough.  Colton admits to being in love with her and Becca says she's falling for him, too.

Back in LA, we get a girl chat before the rose ceremony.  Caroline, Kendall, Bekah M, Sienne, and Tia are back in a contrived situation so that Tia has a opportunity to stir up some drama.  Turns out she still has feelings for Colton.  Becca is frustrated since Colton is, like, sooo hot and also said he loved her, but also she doesn't want to lose a friend.  If only she had three other guys in love with her to fall back on!  Oh wait, she does.

The guys arrive one by one to the rose ceremony where Chris Harrison greets them and walks them in.  For some reason, Colton asks Chris Harrison advice about being intimate in the Fantasy Suite.  Scroll down and read this recap by Sharleen Joynt of Juan Pablo's season for the play by play.  It's pretty funny.  Anyway, Becca arrives, speechifies about how hard this decision is, and sends Colton home.  And no need to feel bad for Colton- he's off to Bachelor in Paradise with Tia waiting for him.

Becca and "it's ingenuinity"

We again start the episode with Becca talking about Arie, this time voiced over her biking in LA rather than wandering in snowy MN.

Group Date #1: Obstacle Course inspired by marriage clichés
For the first date of the season, Clay, Nick, Chris (inexplicably called Chris R. even though he's the only Chris this season), David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln meet up with Becca at some place called Saddlerock Ranch.  There are tuxedos and champagne waiting and Becca awkwardly spins around while they all change.  Jordan decides to show off his modeling and gives Becca some confidence, telling her to "put the confidence on" before her pantyhose.

All dressed up, Becca leads the guys to a field where Rachel and Bryan are waiting to introduce them to "Groom's Day," a silly obstacle course with obstacles:

• ball and chain (literally drag a heavy ball on a chain)
• cold feet (sit in an ice bath for the length of an egg timer)
• slippery slope (climb up a greasy staircase)
• get over your exes (climb through some wooden X's, grab a bouquet, and put it in a bucket vase)
• cake tasting (dig through a cake without using hands to find a ring)
• race to the altar (run to propose to Becca)

Lincoln takes an early lead, mainly because he cheated on the cold feet part, if you ask any of the other guys.  He wins and gets photo with Becca.  That evening, he steals Becca first because they're married and they got married and married married married.  Lincoln tells Becca she brings out the best in him.  She asks why and he just says he's comfortable around her.  She kisses him and gives him a framed photo from the date.  He's thrilled.  Like, way too thrilled.  He says, and you can't make this shit up, "Kissing Becca is like flying to the moon on the wings of a pegasus while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold" and dude needs to pump on the brakes a bit.  Anyway, Lincoln rejoins the other guys, displaying his photo next to the group date rose.  Other guys are not thrilled.  Becca chats with some of the guys while Connor gets more an more agitated about Lincoln's photo to the point that he throws it out the window.  Becca has her last drama-free moment of the season kissing Jean Blanc before Lincoln brings photogate to her attention.  Sure, what Connor did was pretty shitty, but Lincoln hams it the fuck up, saying he feels threatened physically and says he's heartbroken and also cries.  I'm all for men showing emotions, but Lincoln is a bit extra.  Becca confronts Connor who stumbles through explaining why he did it.  Becca says she wants a guy who respects other people and stuff and Connor is embarrassed.  Jean Blanc gets the Group Date Rose and they all go home.

The next morning, Lincoln is telling the other guys about photogate and starts sobbing.  Jordan thinks this shows "ingenuinity."  Male models don't need to learn stuff good, I guess.

One-on-One Date: Were you guys aware that Becca has a Ex?
Blake gets the one-on-one date this week.  They take a limo to an abandoned looking warehouse where Chris Harrison is waiting with a sledgehammer.  Their date involves smashing things from Becca and Arie's relationship: a race car, champagne, monitors showing the proposal, and even the couch that Arie broke up with Becca on.  Oh, and Lil John is going to serenade them with "Turn down for what" peppered with some lyrics about Arie.

Their evening portion is pretty bland: they have a nice conversation; Blake gets the rose, a kiss, and a steamy make-out session in an alley.

Group Date #2: Any excuse to make the guys wear short-shorts
Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Christon, Trent, Leo, Wills, and Colton get picked up in a yellow school bus for their date.  They roll up to a school where Becca greets them and introduces them to their trainers: three kids.  Three kids who just verbally abuse them while they run around the gym and practice being pummeled with dodgeball.  "Trash!" one kid yells at them, "Do you think Becca wants trash!?"  It's pretty great, actually.  They scrimmage.  The team with Becca decides the best strategy is to hide being Becca since the other guys are hesitant to hurt her.  Christon give zero fucks and just pelts her with the balls.  This is not all just for good fun: the guys are going to compete in front of an audience of screaming Bachelor fans.  It's Neon Pink vs the Green Frogs.  The Green Frogs dominate, but it's close, thanks only to Leo, who singlehandedly wins won and almost wins the other two as well.

That evening, the winners jokingly ask if they need to hide the trophy.  Becca chats with each of them, and since they won't fight each other to make this date exciting, someone has to tell Becca something dramatic... and that someone is Colton.  Turns out, he spent a weekend with Tia (Becca's friend and Arie's fourth runner up).  This makes Becca "feel a little bit sick."  She's mostly annoyed because Colton is super hot and she was hoping to keep him around until the fantasy suites and now she has to worry about her friend's feelings.  Becca gives Wills the group date rose and goes to sulk pensively in the dark.

Cocktail Party, or, "We have a naked male model"
Becca has some nice moments with some of the guys, but the night is basically all about Jordan, who decides to come out wearing just some boxer briefs, knowing full well it will put a target on his back. He says "tick tock, let's make it rock," and I really have no idea what he meant by that.  He interrupts Becca and David chatting, so David is going to be the one taking the fall for complaining about Jordan not being here for the right reasons in some future episode for sure.

"I don't want you to misinterpret me as some guy thats, like, 007 all the time," Jordan monologues at Becca, "'cause I'm not.  There's a lot to me.  I'm really wild, I'm very spontaneous, I like to speed."  Jordan goes on to say he likes to live life on the edge but "like a gentleman" as his hair will be "well-kept."  He then loses me on some tangent about wanting a mini-me he can call Jordy who will sit on his shoulder and what, now?  Meanwhile, David is pissed and confronts Jordan when he returns.  He asks is he's more than a model, and Jordan doesn't really have an answer to that.  He does tell the camera that if they took an IQ test, he'd "pass it [...] a little higher than you think a male model would," which is not very high Jordan, so, not too impressive there.  David says he hopes Becca sees the"'ingenuine " side of Jordan, and Jordan responds with "it's ingenuinity," and someone buy these boys a dictionary.

So anyway, Jordan wears a pink blanky to the rose ceremony and claims showing his fashion and skin should guarantee him a rose.  That, and he's one of less than 100 Wilhelmina Male Models in the US, which is supposed to be impressive, I guess.  He somehow gets a rose, and Becca sends Rickey, Trent, and Alex home, who we barely know.