"Falling in love is a big leap of faith, and certainly so is jumping in freezing cold water"

This week, we basically had two episodes air on the same night: the "to be continued" portion of the Fantasy Suites and Women Tell All.

Fantasy Suites Part 2

After a brief recap, we see Nick leaving Raven after their Fantasy Suite date.  Raven tells us she's pretty satisfied and that "Nick is good at what he does."  And if that wasn't enough, we get a lengthy montage of Raven skipping around Finland and playing in the snow to an upbeat 80s-ish pop song.

Can we just take a moment to appreciate the fact that
Rachel is wearing a penguin printed onesie?

Rachel and Nick have a lovely date failing at cross country skiing and feeding reindeer.  Rachel does finally say that she's falling in love with Nick, which earns her a night in the Fantasy Suite!

Vanessa and Nick's date consists of  jumping in icy water and then running into a sauna repeatedly in matching swimsuits for a while before trying to discuss the future where neither of them want to move to the other's country.  They don't really resolve anything, but they do go to the Fantasy Suite.

Rachel goes home at the rose ceremony, and we watch a goodbye that would have been heart wrenching if we didn't already know she was the next Bachelorette.

Women Tell All

First of all, we got to watch a montage of people screaming, I mean, of Nick and Chris Harrison crashing viewing parties in LA.  They even "crashed" a Backstreet Boys viewing "party" where they drank rosé with three of the boys.

But on to the show itself!  As if we didn't get enough of it all season, Women Tell All was the Corinne and Taylor showdown.  It was pretty uncomfortable to watch- Corinne didn't listen to a word anyone said and made up her own version of what happened.  It was quite Trump-like, and I don't really want to revisit it.  Corinne also talked about Raquel, her nanny, and how she calls her a nanny because "cleaning lady" is disrespectful.  Everyone said they wanted "a Raquel" and I wonder if they realize Raquel is an actual person and not something they can own?  Anyway, through all this, girls we forgot even existed showed up to yell about the Taylor-Corinne drama half of them weren't even around for.  We never once heard from Danielle M, who made it to the top 6!  This is thanks to Women Tell All being the last chance to earn a spot on Bachelor in Paradise.

We did get a break from the yelling in the form of Liz, with some girl power speeches about being true to your self.  We even found out there is more to her than having once slept with Nick!  Shocking!  We also heard from Kristina (when Chris Harrison told her she "is the American Dream") and then Rachel, who everyone is just thrilled will be the next Bachelorette.  The yelling came back at the this point, but only because all of the women wanted to tell Rachel how beautiful and awesome she is at the same time.  And of course Nick came out to confront them all.  Nick tells Rachel "I think the guys are really lucky to meet you," to which Rachel replies "they are."

"I'm not gonna get engaged just because I'm the Bachelor"

This week's episode was a tale in three almost unrelated acts:

ACT I:  Andi Comes to Call

ACT II:  A Farewell to Corinne

ACT III:  Quoth the Raven: Never-O

Act 1

As teased to us last week, Andi shows up at Nick's hotel room right before the rose ceremony.  He invites her in and offers her a drink.  "I think this conversation might call for some whiskey," she says.  "I'm really curious as to why Andi's here?" Nick muses to the camera, as if he doesn't know this is something producers try to do almost every season.

If you didn't watch Andi's season, here's the cliff notes: Nick made it to the top two and lost to douchebag jock Josh.  During After the Final Rose, Nick asked Andi why she "made love to him" if she wasn't going to pick him and it was awkward and also caused drama for Andi and Josh (who have long been split us).

Back to New York and Nick and Andi today:  they discuss Nick's experience and how he has four strong women left ("and they stuck around?").  Andi asks if Nick is going to have sex with these final three.  He says he doesn't know (yeah, right), and Andi asks if he regrets asking her about their "making love."  He apologizes, in a long roundabout way, but Andi seems ok with it and they hug, she wishes him luck, and leaves.

Act 2

Time for the first rose ceremony in what feels like months!  Raven, Rachel, and Vanessa get roses.  Corinne cries as Nick walks her out.  She apologizes to Nick, who says she has nothing to apologize for.  Then comes the good part: her limo exit.  She starts her drive bemoaning how her heart will never mend and keeps talking until she's declaring she'll never kiss up to a man ever again.  She also asks the camera "why can't I have a normal relationship?" and, uh, what part of going on a TV show to find love did she think would lead to a normal relationship?  With that over with, she takes a nap.

Act 3

Raven gets the first Fantasy Suite week date.  They are in Finland and go on an awesome looking helicopter ride around Urho Kekkonen National Park.  They then play darts in a Finnish pub and it's all fun and dates like the Bachelor should be.  Then they start talking.  And end up arguing about ironing vs steaming clothes and it's so boring, the fact they are enjoying it means they are probably meant for each other.

Side note: Nick is wearing the chunkiest, most turtlenecky of turtleneck sweaters, while Raven is wearing the least useful of sweaters that doesn't cover her shoulders, let alone neck, as if to make up for Nick.

At dinner, Raven gives Nick an actually quite nice and real (real for this show that is) and long declaration of love.  He offers her the Fantasy Suite card, and she gleefully accepts, but wants to make sure Nick knows two things, which we have been hearing about all episode in between shots of their date:
1. She has only been sexually active with one guy she never even said I love you to (this is the guy who cheated on her and she beat him with a stiletto)
2. She's never had an orgasm

So, no pressure, Nick.  And we won't find out if this night has a satisfying ending until next week's three hour extravaganza.

The episode ends with a Rocky-esque montage of Nick running around in the snow and lifting logs over his head.

"Would that be okay with you" is the new "Can I ask for your daughter's hand in marriage"

We start week eight back in week seven- a pattern that is just not going to end this season.  The girls are chilling in their Bimini suite freaked out because Nick is not playing by the rules re: sending girls home at rose ceremonies.

Nick shows up and painstakingly slowly gives a speech to put them out of their misery.  Turns out he's giving them all roses!  The girls are almost giddy with relief.  But, Nick says, "it's a two way street" so he still has to ask them individually in case, you know, the Stockholm Syndrome hadn't actually set in yet.  He even offers Raven a rose although she already got one during the last group date.

For the first hometown visit this season, we head to Hoxie, AL where Raven drives up to Nick on an ATV to whisk him away into the mud.  But, like literally into the mud.  They take a pit stop at a grain bin, which I guess is what Alabaman's call silos, to climb up, because Raven says thats where you have meaningful conversations.  No meaningful conversations today though, because a cop pulls up and yells at them to come down.  He starts interrogating them about if they have their IDs but then, haha, jokes! It's Raven's brother!  I have to say, her brother was a pretty decent actor considering how forced these situations generally seem.  Anyhow, meeting the bro done with, the two have some more ATV racing to attend to before having a water fight and making out in a marsh.

They clean up and head to Raven's parent's home, while we get a voiceover reminding us how Raven's dad got diagnosed with lung cancer a year an a half ago and how she didn't know if he'd make it to meet a guy she brings home.  They sit down and Raven's dad tells her he's cancer free.  It's a pretty big moment for them to share with Raven and some guy who will probably dump her on TV in a couple of weeks.  Raven and her dad then have an emotional conversation where Raven says she would walk down the aisle alone if he died.  Then Nick asks her dad for his blessing, but in a rambling question about if at the end of this he and Raven don't want to say goodbye, would it be ok by dad if they got engaged?  Raven's dad says he trusts his daughter's judgement, so if she's happy, he is.

I think this is how you get weird bacterial diseases?

On to Dallas, TX to be the first white dude Rachel's brought home!  Rachel takes Nick to her church since it's an important part of her life, but also a predominantly black place.  The pastor (reverend? minister?  I'm not up on religious titles, but the guy giving the sermon is who I am referring to) calls out Rachel and welcomes Nick and it's all very wholesome.  Nick and Rachel then talk about how comfortable they are in church and sort of talk about race and how they'd be an interracial couple.

They then go have dinner with Rachel's family and then they all talk about race.  I'm sure they also talked about other things, but this is all we saw.  Knowing that Rachel is the next Bachelorette, this makes sense, as the Bachelor franchise for the first time is going to actually have to talk about real things.  Rachel's sister brings up a good point about how it's great that Nick has no problems with being an interracial couple, but with the climate these days, one has to deal with society as well.  I also liked the moment when Rachel and Nick sat down with her sister and brother-in-law and Nick told them they make them feel comfortable, to which Rachel's sister says, "why, because you all look like us?"  (Rachel's sister is married to a white guy).  Rachel tells her mom she could see herself falling in love with Nick, and despite being the only one who hasn't expressed love for Nick (to him or produces), still seems to be a front runner even though we know they don't end up together.

First race, and now religion: The Bachelor is getting ahead
of itself in bringing up potentially controversial topics!

And for a complete change of pace, we go down to Miami, FL and get a peek into Corinne's world.  Corinne wants to show Nick a typical day in her life, and shockingly, it is not spent at an office running her multi-million dollar business.  They go to an "exclusive" mall.  The retail personnel all know Corinne and even bring her champagne while shopping.  Nick tries on a bunch of expensive clothes and Corinne buys him over $3000 worth of clothes that look similar to clothes I buy at the Gap.  The last time I spent over $3000 dollars on something, it was my graduate school tuition and I had to take out a loan.  Corinne then tells Nick she loves him in a mall restaurant before heading to the penthouse where her family and nanny live.  Before Nick and Corinne show up, we get to see her parents and sister talk about her.  Her sister says "he's older than Corinne, so, like more mature" and her dad says, "strike one, strike two, strike three" and first off, that's only one, maybe two strikes, but sure.  Anyhow, Corinne gets squeals of glee from her family and they all sit down to dinner.  

Raquel serves them food, pours their wine, and then sit down to join them.   It's pretty uncomfortable to watch considering while she's serving them, they are all talking about her and how she was basically a second mom to Corinne.  Corinne also complained that the other girls made fun of her for having a nanny.  Corinne and her dad talk, and her dad is concerned that Nick won't be able to afford Corinne's expensive taste and that she should be prepared for the worst case scenario.  That being Nick is a stay at home dad and Corinne has to work, presumably at her daddy's business.  Corinne's dad brings this up with Nick as well when he does his prepared speech asking for the ok for marrying his daughter.  But after a while, Corinne's dad says "I think Corinne is the lid to Nick's pot," so I guess he approves.

Nick is wearing a $1400 sweatsuit there.

Time to leave the country to visit Montreal, Canada, where Vanessa lives!  And this hometown could not be more different than the extravagant show in Miami.  Vanessa takes Nick to visit the school she teaches at, where she teaches adult's with special needs.  A bunch of students and teachers are waiting to greet them with signs and roses and tears.  It's an emotional homecoming and you can tell how much Vanessa's students care about her, and how much she cares about them.  She and Nick then make a scrapbook of their journey with her students.

Next, Vanessa tells Nick they are going to her mom's and then her dad's separately, since that's how real life would be.  Dinner with Vanessa's mom includes "15 loud Italians" who all care so much about Vanessa, most of them cry during this evening and do not go easy on Nick.  It becomes clear that Nick and Vanessa have not talked about the future and who would move where, which is kind of important.  Vanessa's mom calls Nick out on his response to why he likes Vanessa, as his first answer was about her looks (which is more or less how he answered that question with the other parents).  Then they go to Vanessa's dad's house where Nick does his "would that be ok [if your daughter and I got engaged]" speech, and his dad says he can't and gets Nick to admit, reluctantly, that he's already asked other dads.  They talk some more, and Nick kind of gets the blessing.  Vanessa then finds out from her dad that Nick asked all the girls' dads for permission (emphasis on dads- we did not see Nick asking Rachel's mom for permission since dad wasn't there), and that doesn't sit well with her, but guess what?  We won't know what Vanessa does with these new feelings until next week.

Between her students and family, it's obvious Vanessa needs to
stay in Montreal, so if Nick wants to continue pursuing
TV and modeling or whatever in LA, he really shouldn't pick her.

We end this week with a teaser of Andi showing up with an ominous knock and a "Hello Nick."  Of course, this will amount to nothing more than her giving him advice and good luck.  So, to be continued then.

"Let's dive into bed"

We begin this week with another cliffhanger that is hardly suspenseful considering all of the preview footage we've already seen.  I feel like the editors are really dropping the ball this season with spoilers in every preview of the next episode/rest of season.  For example, Rachel is clearly a frontrunner and perhaps the only person to give Vanessa a run for her money in winning this thing, yet we now know she's the new Bachelorette, so clearly Nick doesn't pick her.

Anyway, Nick comes in to reassure the girls that he thinks one of the six left will probably be his wife and that we're going to Bimini!  The girls cheer and yell "Bimini" more times than the number of viewers who have even heard of Bimini.

Vanessa gets the first one on one date, much to Corinne's chagrin as she's the only one who hasn't gotten a one on one yet, which in her defense, is odd this late in the season.  Vanessa and Nick head off on a yacht, and Vanessa says "I've never been on a boat before" even though we just saw her on one last week.  They go snorkeling by a ship wreck and make-out underwater.  In the evening, they have dinner and Vanessa tells Nick she's falling in love with him.  Nick decides to give her a speech about how he's said I love you on this show before and that he doesn't want to say I love you to more than one person and it really is not the best response to someone declaring their love.

For the group date, Corinne, Raven, and Kristina get to join Nick to swim with sharks.  Corinne really wants the date to go well so she can take Nick home to meet her "nanny slash maid" who is also her "best friend in the entire world," but Nick seems to be paying more attention to Kristina and even helps her rub sunscreen on her inner thigh.  Corinne pouts and complains that she's "literally trying to win over [her] fiancé," which is literally not the case.  Raven is pretty confident that Corinne and Kristina will get eaten by sharks, while she'd just punch them in the face.  Her confidence was not unfounded as she ends up getting the group date rose and the chance to make-out while watching some band Nick had to namedrop.

Real nice camera shot that really sums up this show:
Nick kisses a woman while other women are sad nearby.

Onto Danielle M's one on one date, where they bike around Bimini, play sports with local kids, and Danielle M admits to be "like one hundred and fifty bajillion percent" falling in love with Nick.  They chat about going home to Wisconsin and Nick tells Danielle M that she's "fun to have fun with" and that her "face is pretty great."  Which is apparently not what Nick is looking for in a wife, because he sends her home.  She cries and leaves and the other girls are sad for her.

Corinne wants to make sure Nick doesn't pull that with her and goes to visit Nick.  She says the following statements:
"I'd live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick" (as opposed to all those shacks with diamonds?)
"I am not a runner up" (but you want to marry one, apparently)
"I'm going to blow that room up"
"I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm"
"I know how to make a man feel good and I do way better than anyone else because my heart is gold but my vagine is platinum" (we finally see the context to this quote considering it's been in every season/episode preview montage since night one)
"You must have two hands on at all times.  Never jiggle, lightly massage"  (this she says to Nick behind closed doors)

So if you hadn't picked up on it, Corinne has decided to have sex with Nick.  But since having sex before the fantasy suites (or during, really), hasn't really worked out for him in the past, he turns Corinne down, and she leaves, pretty upset.

During all of the above, all we get to see is shots of this empty
champagne bottle with breathy audio because while Nick and
Corinne were allowed some "alone" time, they were still clearly mic'd 

Next, Rachel gets the last date of the episode, where she and Nick wander around Bimini.  They chat about Nick meeting her parents and she says she's never brought home a white boy before and they reenforce the fact that Nick needs to call her dad "sir."  Considering we know things aren't going to work out (yay #RachelforBachelorette), I'd wager a good amount Rachel's family visit doesn't go very smoothly.

After the date, Rachel goes back to the hotel beaming and makes Corinne even more worried about her place in Nick's heart.  Nick talks to Chris Harrison about knowing already who has to go home.  He shows up at the ladies' hotel, and they all know what's about to happen, but not with whom.  Nick pulls Kristina aside and says all the typical Bachelor things about not wanting to send her home but he feels it in his heart or whatever.  She is obviously quite upset, and the other girls are also pretty upset.  And of course the episode ends here, with a dramatic "coming up" montage of more crying by everyone involved.

Whipped Cream and Lies

We start this episode right back in the Corinne-Taylor drama.  Corinne is calling Taylor all sorts of mean things to the camera (dumb bitch, disgusting, idiot, stank face, to name a few), and even though she pulled Taylor aside to confront her, tried to turn herself into the victim.  They argue- Taylor trying to use reason against Corinne, which is just futile.  Corinne is accusing her of being a bully and being condescending and rude to all the other girls, which you know isn't true because the Bachelor producers love airing anything that causes drama and we've seen none of this.  We also know this isn't true because Corinne is insane.  Corinne then goes to Nick and tells him a bunch of horrible things about Taylor, which apparently Nick takes as maturity on Corinne's part.  Corinne uses such compelling arguments as "She thinks she's entitled to whatever she's entitled to."

Time for the rose ceremony!  Thanks to the promise of a fight to the death two-on-one date with Taylor and Corinne, we know neither of them are going home tonight despite the producers best suspenseful music. Instead, Sarah and Astrid go home, presumably because they are nice, drama-free girls.

The rest of the girls head on to New Orleans!  Alexis is excited because she "like[s] gators, grits, and a good time."   Chris Harrison comes to break the news of the date situation this week:  a one-on-one, a group, and a two-on-one date.  They girls talk about how awful it would be to go on a two-on-one and speculate on who will go as if they don't all see how painfully obvious it is that Corinne and Taylor will be going on that one.  But before we are forced to watch that train wreck, we get to see an incredibly pleasant date with Rachel.

Is it too early to say #RachelforBachelorette?

Rachel and Nick wander around New Orleans trying on masks, eating oysters and beignets, and getting to join a Second Line.  During dinner in what appears to be a warehouse filled with parade floats, they talk about family.  Nick tells Rachel about his insecurities with asking two girls' parents for permission to marry him and how he'll probably be asking three more.  Rachel says she likes that he's being open and vulnerable about things all of America already know.  Rachel's going to go far, though.  Nick asked if he'd have to call her dad, a federal judge, "sir" and then says "I might be breaking rules here, but I'm super into you."  She get's the rose (duh), and says "I don't believe in fairy tales, but I believe in today, and today was a fairy tale," which I'm pretty sure is a false statement based on conditional probability or something.

Nothing says romantic like a fake-spooky game

The group date goes to a haunted plantation where a bad actor named Boo pretends to be the housekeeper and informs five ladies and Nick that a kid named Mae died of yellow fever and terrorizes people because she just wants her doll.  Raven says "I did not sign up to be one of the Ghostbusters.  If I see one, I'm going to rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus."  All of the girls admit to believing in ghosts except for Jasmine, who tries on a hat in the dead girl's room and can't even be bothered to learn her name (she calls her "Molly or Mary or whatever").  They get drinks and cheers to Mae and then pull out a Ouija board.  Once they ask some dumb questions about who Nick is going to pick (as if the spirit world cared), they ask about Mae and suddenly spooooooky things start happening while they look around the house.  Nick talks to some of the girls and Raven accidentally tells him she loves him.  Danielle M gets the rose.

Back at the house, 31 year old Rachel is stuck with 23/24 year old Taylor/Corinne playing therapist.  Corinne deals with her nerves by ordering a shit ton of room service and taking a bubble bath with champagne.  Taylor meditates.  Corinne lectures us on how there are different kinds of "intelligency", and how hers is more colorful than Taylor.  She also says "No votes for Taylor.  Make America Corinne Again," and she is getting less amusing and more annoying by the minute.

This may be the most dramatic date this season...

... but it still doesn't beat the Ashley I/Kelsey 2-on-
date in the Badlands during Chris Soules season

Nick takes Taylor and Corinne into the bayou for some voodoo stuff.  They get their cards read by a tarot reader who was clearly filled in on the drama before the date.  Corinne gets to speak to Nick first and spends the whole time bashing Taylor.  Taylor decides to not spend her time with Nick talking about Corinne, but that's all Nick wants to talk about.  Corinne, meanwhile, asks the tarot reader how to make a voodoo doll specific to a person, which is not subtle at all.  Corinne and Taylor are then briefly left alone, and Taylor questions her being able to run a multi-million dollar business, and Corinne doesn't actually defend herself on this point!  Taylor then says Nick is smart and observant and you know she's going home because Nick is neither of those things even when half of the other girls have complained about Corinne to him already, and yet none of them seem to have a problem with Taylor.  Earlier, Taylor said "if Nick gives Corinne the rose today, he's thinking with his dick," which he so obviously is!  He's only keeping Corinne around because he wants to sleep with her.

So Corinne gets the rose, and she and Nick boat off- her clutching both a rose and a voodoo doll.  Taylor wanders through the woods back to the voodoo folk who "cleanse" her or something, so she can go back to the city and cause a bit more drama before she leaves.  We get to see the beginning of Nick and Corinne's dinner where Corinne is still talking about how awful Taylor was.

Taylor says (as she walks in to disrupt this dinner) that "Corinne cares about Corinne and I give her credit because she gets what she wants [...it's] very toddler-like," which sounds a lot like a certain public figure now attempting to run the country....

Tune in next week for (hopefully) the last of this drama!

"Bubbly Little Dumbo"

Yet again, we begin this episode with the end of last episode.  The girls are confronting Nick about Corinne, and a couple of them even confront Corinne.  Sarah tells Corinne she's acting privileged, to which Corinne, who lives with her parents and inherited a "multi-million dollar business," says that she's "not privileged in any way, shape or form."  But because she makes such good tv, Nick is required to keep Corinne on, and gives her the very last rose, just so she knows her time is almost up. Girls who go home are Brittany, because we still haven't learned who she is, and Christen, because she's a virgin, probably.

After the rose ceremony, Corinne says, "I feel like we're all privileged" and then gives a rambling toast while everyone else looks uncomfortable.

And now time for a new day!  Chris Harrison tells they girls they are about to travel the globe with Nick!  First stop: the exotic Milwaukee, WI!!  Which is really only exciting because they get to see Nick's hometown.  First stop for Nick, is meeting with his parents in a Coffee shop.  Nick's mom cries the whole time and Nick's dad says "we don't want to see you on this show again."

They just want this madness to end, Nick!

Nick shows up at a park where all the girls are watching ducks to whisk Danielle L. off on a one on one  date.  The date consists of a tour of all of Nick's old make-out haunts.  They make cookies with Nick's face on them ("Nickerdoodles") and then just happen to run into one of Nick's ex-girlfriends who just happens to be mic-ed up and ready to have an incredibly awkward sit down with Nick and his date.

That evening, they go hang out in a bar, and Nick says he wants to really get to know Danielle L.  He wants to know things like when she last went grocery shopping in sweatpants- you know, the important things you need to know when picking a wife.  Danielle L. does share that her parents got divorced when she was 17 and it was really hard on her.  It made her afraid of marrying the wrong guy and says she doesn't want to rush into marriage.  So she came on a show that might as well be named "Who Wants to Rush into Marriage?"  Then we see why Danielle L. was picked for this date: they go to a country concert and she already has practice with slow dancing and kissing in front of a large crowd.

Time for a group date!  Everyone except Danielle L. and Raven meet up with Nick at a farm.  They're going to do farm chores!  The girls are given boots and gloves and feed cows hay, milk cows (Jaimi unsurprisingly shows Nick up on this chore), and shovel manure.  None of them are thrilled to be getting dirty ("it smells like cows and nature.  Cows and nature smell like poop"), but they all throw themselves into the tasks with enthusiasm.  All except, and now here's a shocker, Corinne.  Corinne is not having it.  In her own words:  "I don't want to do chores, let alone farm chores.  what the fuck is a farm chore?  I don't even make my nanny do farm chores.  Raquel is better than farm chores.  She works for me."  She claims she lost circulation in her hands and sulks around outside. She just wants to eat a taco!  Or sushi!  I think in these scenes, the word poop has been said more times than in every other Bachelor/Bachelorette episode put together.

They do this every season:
no girl who comes on this show is good with dirt!

That evening, Corinne is still complaining about the poop, except she's now drank enough to not be able to keep her "adult" facade on and calls it poopy.  Nick has some conversations with the girls, but we mostly get to see the girls talk about Corinne.  Corinne is starting to think maybe the other girls don't love her.  She gives a speech to the camera: "I'm a corn husk.  You have to peel the layers off and then in the middle is this luxury yellow corn with all these little pellets of information and it's juicy, buttery.  You want to get to that corn.  Nick needs that corn."  Her metaphor is all over the place.  Also, she should take a lesson from Ashely S. from Chris Soule's season about layers- you're supposed to use an onion metaphor, not corn.

Corinne decides to confront all the girls and tells them they should come to her if they have a problem.  They go, sure, here's some questions you "purple bouncy pink house."  Corinne is not happy they did what she said and aired their grievances directly to her.  Sarah asks, "Do you think you're genuinely ready to marry a 36 year old man?"  Which is actually a great question, considering at least five of the remaining ladies aren't technically in Nick's dating pool.  They bring up her napping, which she defends by saying both Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln napped, so THERE.  A few other girls talk to her individually and Corinne straight up won't listen.  "Look, the name of the game is trust no one," Corinne says, and I think she's forgotten what show she's on because the name of the game is actually "rush into marriage."  Anyway, she goes to Nick and tells him she talked to the girls and solved all the problems.  Nick says cool, and Corinne still finds something to throw a fit about: "It was more like an adult convo.  We didn't kiss, which is weird."  I am beginning to believe the fan theory that Corinne is just a kid trapped in a 24 year old's body.

Let's move on to the second one on one date!  It's with Raven, and Nick takes her to his younger sister's soccer game.  Raven also gets to meet Nick's parents.  Nick's dad asks about Raven's name, and we learn that her mom wanted the name Raven, but her dad was like, no way, that's a weird name.  But when she was born with black hair, he said fine, she looks like a raven, name her after a bird.  After the soccer game, Raven and Nick join Bella and her team for some roller skating.  Bella and Raven chat while Nick keeps skating by making faces.  Bella likes Raven and says she really wants a sister-in-law.  Is that because you grew up with brothers and having a sister around would be nice?  Oh wait, you have five sisters, you just want Nick to stop making you go on tv for ratings.

Bella has been involved in this franchise for a quarter of her life.

That evening, Nick and Raven have dinner and skate around an empty art museum.  Raven says it's great both of them have non-divorced parents, as if that gives them a special connection.  They then talk about how Raven's last relationship ended when she kicked down the door to find her boyfriend in bed with another woman.  And just in case it wasn't clear what they were doing, Raven informs us she "know[s] what her vagina looks like."  Raven proceeds to beat up the cheating boyfriend with a stiletto so, uh, now she's here.

The cocktail party this week was just a set up for next week's two-on-one date with Taylor and Corinne.  Taylor tells Corinne she doesn't have emotional intelligence,  and Corinne says (I'm paraphrasing), "fuck you bitch, I run a MULTI MILLION DOLLAR COMPANY"

To be continued...

"Nick is back, alright!"

Thanks to a "To Be Continued..." at the end of last week's episode, we have to sit through yet another recap of the Liz Situation, a cocktail party, and a rose ceremony before I've been able to drink enough wine to care about who goes home.  Surprising only to Nick, the Liz Situation is hardly a situation considering Nick's past on the Bachelor and being known for, well, having sex.  Next up we see what really had the girls shocked and upset in all the previews: Corinne.  Corinne is in this to win it, and clearly thinks the way to do this is to continue to throw her boobs at Nick.  She comes out to talk to Nick wearing a trench coat, not at all subtly indicated she's wearing nothing else.  And if that wasn't suggestive enough, Corinne makes Nick lick whipped cream off the top of her chest.  Nick worries the other girls might see and judge him (like all of America is doing now), and practically jumps at the next person who walks by to steal him away.  Corinne has a meltdown because their "conversation" didn't go how she planned.  It appears the mix of sugar in  the whipped cream, alcohol, and crying really wears her out because Corinne then sleeps through the rose ceremony.  Hailey, Elizabeth, and Lacey don't get roses, which is fine by me considering I still have no idea who they are.

trying to create a "sexual, mysterious connection"

Onto a new day!  None other than boy band legends the Backstreet Boys visit the mansion to invite Danielle L, Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, and Corinne to be back up dancers for their show.  The girls scream and BSB sings a little acapella I Want it That Way and for once I'm actually jealous of these bimbos.  The chosen ladies go rehearse with Nick and you'd think that would be fun, but Corinne's on this date, remember?  She's not great at dancing so she doesn't feel pretty and isn't happy when not the center of attention.  The other girls have a blast.  BSB choose Danille L to get a special serenade with Nick, which sounds great, but really they awkwardly slow dance on stage while the boys sing I Want it That Way again and kiss while the rest of the girls watch uncomfortably.

Corinne really didn't have much to worry about, only two
of the group were decent dancers, and Nick was not one of them.

The evening portion of this date has one of the most amazing conversations on the Bachelor ever.  After Corinne chats with Nick about how she's bad at "planned dancing",  she takes a nap and then returns to chat with the other ladies.  She begins by announcing that she wants to get a boob job, but, like, just a little one.  Another girl agrees, but says she's waiting until after she has kids.  Corinne responds that she can't imagine taking care of kids considering she "can't even handle [herself]."  She follows that up with "I need to get Raquel ready for that."  The other girls ask who Raquel is, and Corinne tells them it's her nanny and she and Jasmine have this exchange:
J: Do you have kids?
C: no
J: Why do you have a nanny?
C: I'm a kid *giggle*
J: wait how old are you?
(she's 24)
She goes on to talk about how Raquel keeps her life together and "makes [her] cucumber and, like, vegetable slices" as well as "lemon salad" and "cheese pasta."  When the other girls ask if she knows how to do laundry, she replies that Raquel does it and says, "But you know what?  It makes her happy and I'm not going to stop a woman's happiness."  It makes me wonder if Corinne knows that a nanny is a paid position.  She also says "I miss Raquel so much.  I've had to do some big girl stuff; I don't like it" and I wonder just how much of Corinne's life Raquel does for her.

Danielle L receives the group date rose, but this doesn't worry Corinne since "Danielle L is beautiful, but that's really about all I see and not much more, unfortunately." ugh.

Vanessa is the lucky lady who gets a one-on-one date this episode and Nick takes her to fly in a plane that lets you experience zero gravity.  It actually looks amazing until Vanessa starts puking.  Nick handles this really well and even kisses her after she's done puking.  Now that is true love.  That evening, they talk about family and Vanessa reveals she almost didn't come on the show, but received a sign from her recently dead grandpa.  Nick gets so emotional about the whole process and cries because Vanessa is making him hopeful.  So that was... nice, I suppose.

Clearly kissing is the best use of weightlessness

Group date number two takes Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany, and Dominique to a track where they get to meet Olympic athletes Allyson Felix, Carl Lewis, and Michelle Carter.  They are there to compete in a "Nickathalon," which I'm guessing is a word Carl Lewis was not thrilled to say, though at least he didn't have to tell the ladies "the gold is Nick's heart" (poor Michelle).  The events are a long jump next to a cardboard limo, a javelin throw into a giant heart, high jump onto a picture of Nick and then three girls get to run the 100m dash to a giant ring and some hot tub time with Nick.  Astrid, Alexis, and Rachel get to compete in the dash, and Rachel clearly wins.  Unfortunately, she knocks over the ring which gets smashed, and Astrid bringing up the rear snatches up a piece to win the hot tub time.

I wonder where this giant shirtless Nick tarp ended up?

Evening arrives, and you'd think without Corinne, it will be drama free, but nope.  Dominique doesn't think Nick gave her enough attention, cries in the bathroom, and then confronts Nick, who sends her home.  Rachel gets the rose, but not until after she basically explains Stockholm Syndrome to Nick, and how she has it.

In a twist that happens around this time every. single. season., Chris Harrison visits the mansion to tell the girls the cocktail party has been cancelled, and instead they are having a pool party!  Everyone seems to be having fun until Corinne takes Nick to a bounce house that happens to be set up on the driveway and straddles him.  The other girls are not impressed and one by one relay their concerns about him validating Corinne's behavior.  Raven drops the nanny bomb on Nick and says "she didn't know how to clean a spoon."  Vanessa tells Nick she's not judging Corinne, but rather Nick's actions, which is a kind of new idea on the Bachelor: that the contestants can decide whether or not they like the qualities of the lead.

The episode ends here, so we'll have to wait until next week to see how Nick responds.

aaaand one more picture of the Backstreet Boys for good measure

"When I was talking to him, he was, like, listening"

This episode can be broken into two acts:
Act 1: The Corinne Show
Act 2: The Liz Situation

Act I
The scene opens in the Bachelor mansion where the girls patiently await the first date card, which reads "Always a bridesmaid..."

A dozen of the ladies get to participate in a wedding photo shoot with Nick!  Corinne says she's never been a bridesmaid and that "in [her] dream world, today [she] would just be marrying Nick."  To be clear, in her dream world, Corinne would essentially be marrying some guy she met at a party and drunkenly made-out with.  So anyway, the girls are given either themed wedding dresses or bridesmaids dresses and they begin doing funny wedding shoots with Nick and a photographer straight out of a cheesy 90s movie.  Corinne is thrilled because she got the "beach wedding" theme meaning she's wearing a bikini top and other girls are more modestly dressed in their gowns.  BUT OH NO, Brittany walks in with just a leafy bikini bottom (she got the Adam and Eve themed wedding shoot), and Corinne is not having it.  She pouts while the other girls cheer on and support each other- especially Brittany who is stuck wearing next to nothing on national TV.

So after some cute and fun wedding shoots, it's Corinne's turn, and she does not disappoint.  Not to be outdone by Brittany as Eve, she takes her's and Nick's tops off in the pool during the photo shoot.  And not to be outdone by herself, she suggests Janet Jackson-ing it and they do.  Corinne is just thrilled that Nick touched her "bare bosoms."  She continues to talk about her boobs: "no one has ever held my boobs like that," which isn't surprising considering Nick was holding her boobs in front of 11 of his other girlfriends on TV during a photo shoot, which I don't care how glamorous your life is, that probably hasn't happened before.  She continues this thought with "...no one ever will," which sounds a little ominous.

The evening portion of this date continued along this vein.  Nick seemed to at least start having nice conversations with the other girls, but then Corinne steals him away to make-out some more.  After Corinne steals Nick away from Taylor, Taylor decides she wants to finish her conversation with Nick and steals him back.  Corinne then goes on a rant about how she thinks it's rude.  She claims she goes about things very classy, and then switches into 3rd person: "The way she did it was very directed toward Corinne.  I'm like, Taylor, If you take a direct hit at Corinne, I'm going to say something."  She does say something, but that something was a weird passive-aggressive asking Taylor if she's okay repeatedly.  When that shockingly doesn't instigate a fight, she announces to the group that's things are going to get uncomfortable and that everyone just needs to be there for Nick and for them selves and that she would rather get Nick than friends out of this whole situation.  Then, to everyone's dismay, Nick gives Corinne the group date rose.  The girls start to wonder what Nick is looking for in a woman and whether or not they need to start taking their tops off for roses.

~Intermission~
Danielle gets the first one-on-one date.  They take a helicopter to a yacht with a hot tub, just to get some Bachelor date clichés out of the way.  In the evening portion, Nick "opens up" about being publicly dumped twice and Danielle M opens up about finding her fiancé dead from a drug overdose. As Lacey says, "like, I didn't even know girls were that nice," which actually makes me concerned about Lacey's friends.  Though she is quite nice, which is why we saw so little of this date: no good drama other than a tragic story.

Act II
The scene opens back at the Bachelor mansion.  Liz looks coyly around as the girls talk about how Corinne has already kissed Nick...

Liz is overanalyzing her past with Nick.  And by overanalyzing, I mean repeating that she met Nick at Jade and Tanner's Wedding and slept with Nick over and over and over again.  She finally decides she needs to tell someone besides every cameraman on the show and confides in Christen, who promises she won't tell anyone.  Spoiler alert: she tells someone.

For the second group date, Nick takes six ladies to The Museum of Broken Relationships, which statistically they will all be a part of soon when they fail to win a rose from Nick in the next few weeks.  They wander around looking at sad things people left behind after a break up, including the ring Nick picked out for Kaitlyn.  They then stumble upon a couple "breaking up" in the museum, when they are informed they will all have to break up with Nick in front of an audience.  They wander around getting inspiration and Liz tries to talk to Nick who is avoiding her.  The fake break-ups are amusing and awkward- Josephine even slaps Nick, and then we get to Liz.  She pulls out a prepared speech about how they met and shared a night and he broke her heart or something.  Christen is freaking out because she knows it's true, but the other girls are just confused.

That evening, Nick says he is living his nightmare.  To be clear, Nick's nightmare is dealing with 22 girls who want to fall in love with him and having already slept with one of them.  Anyway,  Liz's speech "definitely made [him] a little uncomfortable,"  but mostly because he's worried about her telling the other girls.  All of his fears come true when Christen tells him what Liz told her.  Nick goes to talk to Liz because he wants to know if she's here for him or just using a past relationship to get on TV (as if that's something he's never done).  She doesn't hold up well under questioning so he sends her home.  Nick decides he has to tell the rest of the ladies everything.  He tells the five remaining ladies on this date that he met her at a wedding and then, awfully bluntly for someone worried about the response, that "Liz and I had sex that night."

Fade to black.

Side Note: Christen would be the perfect audience member for After the Final Rose: