Wednesday, January 25, 2017

"Bubbly Little Dumbo"

Yet again, we begin this episode with the end of last episode.  The girls are confronting Nick about Corinne, and a couple of them even confront Corinne.  Sarah tells Corinne she's acting privileged, to which Corinne, who lives with her parents and inherited a "multi-million dollar business," says that she's "not privileged in any way, shape or form."  But because she makes such good tv, Nick is required to keep Corinne on, and gives her the very last rose, just so she knows her time is almost up. Girls who go home are Brittany, because we still haven't learned who she is, and Christen, because she's a virgin, probably.

After the rose ceremony, Corinne says, "I feel like we're all privileged" and then gives a rambling toast while everyone else looks uncomfortable.

And now time for a new day!  Chris Harrison tells they girls they are about to travel the globe with Nick!  First stop: the exotic Milwaukee, WI!!  Which is really only exciting because they get to see Nick's hometown.  First stop for Nick, is meeting with his parents in a Coffee shop.  Nick's mom cries the whole time and Nick's dad says "we don't want to see you on this show again."
They just want this madness to end, Nick!
Nick shows up at a park where all the girls are watching ducks to whisk Danielle L. off on a one on one  date.  The date consists of a tour of all of Nick's old make-out haunts.  They make cookies with Nick's face on them ("Nickerdoodles") and then just happen to run into one of Nick's ex-girlfriends who just happens to be mic-ed up and ready to have an incredibly awkward sit down with Nick and his date.

That evening, they go hang out in a bar, and Nick says he wants to really get to know Danielle L.  He wants to know things like when she last went grocery shopping in sweatpants- you know, the important things you need to know when picking a wife.  Danielle L. does share that her parents got divorced when she was 17 and it was really hard on her.  It made her afraid of marrying the wrong guy and says she doesn't want to rush into marriage.  So she came on a show that might as well be named "Who Wants to Rush into Marriage?"  Then we see why Danielle L. was picked for this date: they go to a country concert and she already has practice with slow dancing and kissing in front of a large crowd.

Time for a group date!  Everyone except Danielle L. and Raven meet up with Nick at a farm.  They're going to do farm chores!  The girls are given boots and gloves and feed cows hay, milk cows (Jaimi unsurprisingly shows Nick up on this chore), and shovel manure.  None of them are thrilled to be getting dirty ("it smells like cows and nature.  Cows and nature smell like poop"), but they all throw themselves into the tasks with enthusiasm.  All except, and now here's a shocker, Corinne.  Corinne is not having it.  In her own words:  "I don't want to do chores, let alone farm chores.  what the fuck is a farm chore?  I don't even make my nanny do farm chores.  Raquel is better than farm chores.  She works for me."  She claims she lost circulation in her hands and sulks around outside. She just wants to eat a taco!  Or sushi!  I think in these scenes, the word poop has been said more times than in every other Bachelor/Bachelorette episode put together.

They do this every season:
no girl who comes on this show is good with dirt!
That evening, Corinne is still complaining about the poop, except she's now drank enough to not be able to keep her "adult" facade on and calls it poopy.  Nick has some conversations with the girls, but we mostly get to see the girls talk about Corinne.  Corinne is starting to think maybe the other girls don't love her.  She gives a speech to the camera: "I'm a corn husk.  You have to peel the layers off and then in the middle is this luxury yellow corn with all these little pellets of information and it's juicy, buttery.  You want to get to that corn.  Nick needs that corn."  Her metaphor is all over the place.  Also, she should take a lesson from Ashely S. from Chris Soule's season about layers- you're supposed to use an onion metaphor, not corn.

Corinne decides to confront all the girls and tells them they should come to her if they have a problem.  They go, sure, here's some questions you "purple bouncy pink house."  Corinne is not happy they did what she said and aired their grievances directly to her.  Sarah asks, "Do you think you're genuinely ready to marry a 36 year old man?"  Which is actually a great question, considering at least five of the remaining ladies aren't technically in Nick's dating pool.  They bring up her napping, which she defends by saying both Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln napped, so THERE.  A few other girls talk to her individually and Corinne straight up won't listen.  "Look, the name of the game is trust no one," Corinne says, and I think she's forgotten what show she's on because the name of the game is actually "rush into marriage."  Anyway, she goes to Nick and tells him she talked to the girls and solved all the problems.  Nick says cool, and Corinne still finds something to throw a fit about: "It was more like an adult convo.  We didn't kiss, which is weird."  I am beginning to believe the fan theory that Corinne is just a kid trapped in a 24 year old's body.

Let's move on to the second one on one date!  It's with Raven, and Nick takes her to his younger sister's soccer game.  Raven also gets to meet Nick's parents.  Nick's dad asks about Raven's name, and we learn that her mom wanted the name Raven, but her dad was like, no way, that's a weird name.  But when she was born with black hair, he said fine, she looks like a raven, name her after a bird.  After the soccer game, Raven and Nick join Bella and her team for some roller skating.  Bella and Raven chat while Nick keeps skating by making faces.  Bella likes Raven and says she really wants a sister-in-law.  Is that because you grew up with brothers and having a sister around would be nice?  Oh wait, you have five sisters, you just want Nick to stop making you go on tv for ratings.
Bella has been involved in this franchise for a quarter of her life.
That evening, Nick and Raven have dinner and skate around an empty art museum.  Raven says it's great both of them have non-divorced parents, as if that gives them a special connection.  They then talk about how Raven's last relationship ended when she kicked down the door to find her boyfriend in bed with another woman.  And just in case it wasn't clear what they were doing, Raven informs us she "know[s] what her vagina looks like."  Raven proceeds to beat up the cheating boyfriend with a stiletto so, uh, now she's here.

The cocktail party this week was just a set up for next week's two-on-one date with Taylor and Corinne.  Taylor tells Corinne she doesn't have emotional intelligence,  and Corinne says (I'm paraphrasing), "fuck you bitch, I run a MULTI MILLION DOLLAR COMPANY"

To be continued...

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