"You're on the Mount Rushmore"

Ah, Women Tell All.  The episode where the 28 ladies who thought a reality show was a great place to find a husband get one last chance to embarrass themselves on national TV audition for Bachelor in Paradise redeem themselves.

First though, we get to see the highlight reel of Ben and Chris Harrison crashing Bachelor viewing parties.  And by "highlight reel," I mean we get to hear a lot of women screaming, and one woman basically saying she'd leave her husband for Ben.

Because Tiara's only role on this show was to have a weird "occupation"

After a recap of this season's drama, the girls waste no time in complaining about Olivia.  Tiara's chicken (remember the chicken enthusiast?  Yeah, she brought her chicken, Shelia, to the show), interrupts by flying onto Lace.  Chris takes this chance to change the discussion to Leah and she tries to defend herself but doesn't do a good job convincing people she "didn't intend to lie."  Shelia interrupts again with a squawk, because, as Tiara said, "Shelia doesn't like liars."  Chris takes this moment to now switch to the Jubilee drama.  Amber and Jami accuse her of saying offensive things and try to talk about race and Jubilee apologizes that she sometimes says offensive things.  Shushanna apparently can speak (and in English, no less) and has a lot to say.

Chris Harrison breaks this up and brings Jubilee up to the hot seat to talk about her time with Ben.  They have a heart to heart and Chris says, "I know you can't control how complicated you are," as if complicated is bad, and oh wait, complicated is bad if your self worth depends on if some guy likes you, which is pretty much the premise of this show.  We learn that Jubilee is doing well and made sergeant and everyone cheers her service to our country.

Who is this guy?  This is almost too ridiculous to be fake.

Lace's turn on the hot seat, and she admits that she didn't know how to handle herself and that she's changed and tries not to use the word "crazy" so much.  Her interview ends with one of the three men in the audience popping up to say "You're not crazy... but you are crazy beautiful," and to prove that point, takes off his shirt to reveal a tattoo of Lace's face.  Chris then invites Lace to Bachelor in Paradise and she accepts.

It's the everyone hates Olivia show!  Starring: The Twins!

And of course Olivia gets a turn in the hot seat and the rest of the women are ready to go at her.  The twins lead the charge.  Olivia says she mostly kept to herself and said it was a difficult journey and hard to watch.  The twins say, no, you berated Amanda and called me a slut and were a bully.  Amanda pipes up to confront Olivia about all the mean things she said about how Ben should run away from moms and says "Being a mom is my jam" (cheers all around).  Olivia tries to defend herself before launching into a monologue about how she was bullied as a child and now she's being harassed online and she's sorry for saying and doing things on the show that hurt other girls.  Bullying and online harassment is no joke, but maybe if Olivia hadn't began with her "I'm smart and confident" speech and trying to defend her actions, her apology would have held more weight.  Also, being bullied as a kid doesn't make it okay to bully other people as an adult (Olivia is not the only person at fault here- the other girls making fun of her breath/cankles is not nice, either).   Even though I don't like Olivia, I realize it's more or less like disliking a fictional character, and I'm not going to go harass the real Olivia that character is based on.  Like with Kelsey from Chris Soules' season though, I feel like if an entire group of women unanimously dislikes you, it may be a good time for some self reflection on how you interact with people.  Still, regardless of whether Olivia actually is a mean girl or not, she should not be cyber-bullied (last year's Men Tell All with Kaitlyn went into more depth on this topic).

Next, Chris brings up Caila and they have a boring conversations about feelings and how Caila just wants to find real love.

Almost makes me miss Juan Pablo, his segment on WTA was a lot more dramatic;
but I guess this is what we get for having the most perfect bachelor in the planet of history.

Moving on, it's time to bring Ben out to face a bunch of women he dumped on national television!  It's not as dramatic as it would sound.  The girls mostly tell Ben they hope he's happy and Ben gives very diplomatic and uncontroversial answers to all the girls' questions.  Ben reveals he's in love (which we already know because he told both his final two that he loves them) and engaged (which anyone who spends time on the internet/standing in line at a grocery store that sells tabloids already knows).  Chris asks him one last tough question:  which twin in which.  He nails it, and I'm actually impressed by that.

Everyone's favorite time of the night: Bloopers!  This seasons reel is mostly the ladies and Ben spilling their drinks plus Becca forgetting what season she's on and calling Ben Chris.

And of course we get a preview of the MOST DRAMATIC BACHELOR FINALE EVER.  Next week come back for tears from everyone and a disapproving mom!

In which no one has salt with their tequila shots

(At least they had limes.)

This week, Ben and his 11 girlfriends headed to Mexico City.
*cue dramatic Mexican-ish music*

Olivia starts off strong, talking about how Ben validates her, and how they have a "love language" and how she should get the one-on-one date.  She doesn't get one though.  Amanda, the single mom, gets the first date in Mexico, leading Olivia on a mom-bashing rant about how she knows what Ben wants, and it's not moms.

If you didn't think waking the girls up isn't the creepiest
gimmick on The Bachelor, just look at Ben's face.

On to the date!  To start the date, Ben decides to wake all of the girls up at 4:30 am.  All the girls freak out about how they look in the morning and how unfair it is that Amanda looks flawless right out of bed.  Olivia is afraid Ben will smell her "dragon breath" and Lauren H. is shy about her retainer (to which Ben says, "I sleep with a retainer too, don't worry").  Ben of course thinks "they all looked beautiful today, without hair, without make-up," since we all know girls don't have hair when they sleep.  After unnecessarily waking everyone up from their beauty sleep, Ben takes Amanda on a hot air balloon ride to a picnic.   Ben is suddenly an expert on the various pyramids they fly over and for once the girl doesn't squeal about being afraid of heights.  Later, at dinner, Amanda opens up about her jerk of an ex-husband, earning her a rose.

The group date sends Ben and the girls to Spanish Class.  The teacher has Ben tell them individually, but in front of the rest of the girls, that he loves them and wants to kiss them in Spanish.  This makes Jubilee really uncomfortable and when it's her turn, she tells Ben he already said that to other girls.  Olivia takes a different approach because even though she just watched Ben profess his love and devotion to eight other women, when he said it to her, there was "electriciTAY."

Next, they head to a market/restaurant and pair off to buy ingredients and cook fancy Mexican food.  Because, as we all know, "if you know how to cook, you're ready to get married."  Olivia, yet again, swoops in on Ben and forces him to be her partner and also to eat crickets.

Emily is everyone's internal monologue this episode in regard to Olivia

Tensions are still high going into the evening portion.  Jubilee is not handling this date-a-guy-who-has-ten-other-girlfriends thing well.  Jubilee tells Ben how difficult things are and how it's hard being overshadowed.  Ben is hurt because Jubilee wouldn't hold his hand.  Long story shot, Ben sends Jubilee home.  He goes back and, to everyone's chagrin, Olivia gets the group date rose.  Olivia graciously lets them know they don't have to congratulate her.

Group date number two takes Ben and Lauren H. to a poncho shop where they get to talk to the designer who just happens to want to invite them to a fashion show that happens to be this evening as his guests!  And surprise!  Not only do they get to go behind the scenes, Ben and Lauren H. get to be models!  Lauren H. is pretty intimidated, and I don't blame her.  Ben gives her a pep talk, they crush it, and then take tequila shots out of plastic cups.  Dinner time conversation reveals that Amanda's not the only one with a cheating ex.  Ben just loves these stories and gives Lauren H. a rose.  Then they get a private concert!  Sort of.  It's a harpist on the street, but they are his only spectators and make-out while he performs, so same difference.

The cocktail party brings DRAMA and we're set up for the most DRAMATIC episode EVER next week!  The girls are asking Amanda about her daughters and if her shitty ex gets to see them and Olivia thinks it's a good time to share her bad taste in TV by stating "I feel like it's an episode of teen mom."  The girls all take offense at this and Emily decides she has to do something and tells Ben how mean Olivia is and cries.  She then calls her twin and cries to her about how Olivia's the worst, which she kind of is.  Surprisingly, unlike in every season before, Ben doesn't get rid of the snitch (yet), but says "if someone's causing Emily pain, she's not the woman for me."  Ben is concerned, and the rest of the girls corroborate Emily's "Olivia's a bitch" story.

It's rose ceremony time, but first, Ben wants to talk to Olivia.  The girls looked surprised but hope he breaks the rules and takes away her rose.  Then we get our first, and hopefully our last, "To Be Continued..." of the season.

The Mouth is back

I don't even know.

What even are you, Olivia?

"The drama is over." -a very mistaken Ben

To set the stage for this week's dramatic episode, we see a couple of girls complaining about Olivia.  "I think that she's, like, not a nice girl."  Ooooh, harsh, Amanda.  A few dozen "likes" later, we move on to Ben's one-on-one date with Lauren B.

"Dang, you're cute." -Ben

good try with that kiss through the headsets, guys.

Ben takes Lauren B. on a aerial tour of LA, and Lauren B., the flight attendant, is nervous about getting into an airplane.  And what better destination for their little plane, than an empty field with a hot tub?  And surprise, surprise, they end up making out in said hot tub.  Later, during the dinner portion of the date, Lauren B. shares that she like yards like her dad, and Ben shares a touching story about his dad's heart problems.  They kiss and Lauren B. gets the rose.  And not to be outdone by Caila's date, we have private concert number two: some country band no one's ever heard of.

Speaking of Caila, she's back at the mansion crying to JoJo because she's just now realizing that this is a different kind of dating situation.

"I have zero ball handling skills." -Lauren H.

Shockingly, they're not very good at this game.

Anyway, we get a group date where the girls get to literally compete for time with Ben.  Alex Morgan and Kelly O'Hara of US Women's National Soccer Team are here to teach the girls some soccer!  It's stars vs stripes with each team getting a twin.  They play some bad soccer and the stripes win it in sudden death and so get to wine and dine with Ben.  To no one's surprise, Olivia whisks Ben off immediately and the other girls sit around and make fun of Olivia's toes.  Olivia does not get the group date rose this time, however, because Amber made a move and got a kiss.

"I'm obsessed with hot dogs." -Jubilee

Jubilee is not convinced she wants that in her mouth.

Jubilee gets the second one-on-one date this week, and she and Ben also take to the skies, but this time in a helicopter.  They go to a super fancy mansion, eat fancy foods (Jubilee spits out caviar and neither of them know what a fig is), and spend some time in the hot tub.  At dinner, they talk about some deep and emotional stuff regarding Jubilee's past, and Ben tells her she's a strong woman and pauses in a way I thought could segue to "so why are you on such a degrading show," but no, Ben offers up a rose.

"It's insane to me.  It's literally insane." -Lauren H

What I was doing watching this whole episode.

It's cocktail party time and the girls are riled up because apparently they've lost all ability to detect sarcasm.  Jubilee is awkward and makes jokes when she's uncomfortable and everyone's taking it the wrong way.  But more on that in a minute.  Ben arrives with some sad news: two of his family friends were killed in a plane crash.  So, who else but good ol' Ben-stealing Olivia whisks him off to comfort him, because she, too, has a devastating tale.  Through tears she tells Ben that she has...cankles. I have no idea what planet you come from, Olivia, but your insecurities about the looks of your lower legs is not the best topic of conversation for someone who's suffered a loss.  Oof.

Moving on, Jubilee comforts Ben with a massage and that is the last straw.  The girls try to stage an intervention and Jubilee ends up in the bathroom, crying.  The intervention totally backfires for the girls, as Ben swoops in and takes Jubilee's side.  Just when Ben thinks there will be no more drama for the night, Lace asks to chat.  The rest of the girls look shocked, but rather than an incoherent drunk speech, Lace informs Ben that this isn't a good fit for her and that she needs to heed the words of her tattoo and learn to love herself.  Meanwhile, Olivia babbles about how Ben is 100% her future husband because when he hugged her, "he just squeezed [her] waist a little bit," and isn't that just the definition of a hug?

Girls we said goodbye to this week:
Lace, magically redeeming herself as a person by going home on her own to work on herself;
Jami, who, at 23, has figured she might as well give up and start buying cats;
And Shushanna, who all we know about her still is that she's fluent in Russian.

To conclude:

Elan Gale is a producer of the Bachelor, by the way.