"I love you, Bye."

We start with the typical Finale intro with clips of the lead being indecisive about their decision.  And, since this is the Finale, we are watching it live with Chris Harrison and a studio audience.  Chris Harrison promises us this will be a tearjerker.

On to the Maldives, where Becca is comparing the two relationships.  She muses that "with Garrett, it's been a little slower" which is meaningless considering he got the first impression rose AND the first kiss.  Anyway, before she gets one last date with the final two, they get to meet Becca's family.  Becca's uncles, mom, and sister are there to grill the guys.  Both guys make good impressions on the family and tell her she can't make a bad choice.  Becca was hoping her family would help her pick.  She tells them she thought it'd be Blake from the beginning, but Garrett snuck up on her.  She says she "doesn't want to hurt anyone, ever," to which her mom says, "well, it's going to happen."

Garrett's last date was actually pretty cool: they took a boat out to the equator and saw tons of dolphins.  On Blake's last date, they just biked around and made-out on a beach.  Both men then get a one-on-one with Neil Lane to pick out a ring.

Garrett and Blake take pensive boat rides to the rose ceremony.  Blake is up first, and Becca lets him give a lovey speech before stopping him right before he was clearly ready to propose.  She tells him he wasn't wrong in feeling like they were on the same page and he leaves to sob in a towel.  They cut to Blake sitting with Chris Harrison in the "live" portion of the finale.  He says it was difficult to watch (duh).  They chat about closure and stuff and Blake says he's glad Becca's happy.  Which is good, because now he has to watch Garrett propose to the girl of his dreams.

Back in the Maldives, Garrett begins his speech, and Becca interrupts him to finally say she loves him back.  He proposes, they get engaged, they drink lots of champagne, and Becca gives him the final rose.

Now it's officially After the Final Rose where Becca and Garrett can be a couple in public for the first time.  They pay some lip service to Neil Lane, watch a cutesy video of their secret weekends post show together, and check in on the rose bush they planted in Manteca during Garrett's hometown.  Then Garrett addresses some social media faux pas in the vaguest way, sort of apologizing but not really taking responsibility for his actions.  Apparently (and I had to look this up afterward), Garrett liked some transphobic, xenophobic, right-wing garbage posts on instagram and the internet was not okay with it.  Becca claims she got to know Garrett away from social media so she knows his soul or whatever, which kind of sounds like saving face, considering she is a fairly outspoken liberal on social media.  Anyway, after pretending to be serious for a minute, Chris Harrison sends the happy couple outside where a minivan is waiting for them (license plate: FNLROSE), an homage to Garrett's "limo" entrance.

We end the finale with a preview for Bachelor in Paradise, which promises lots of pretty people crying on the beach.

Becca and Alls She Want

Fantasy Suite week: the week where all the contestants talk about the importance of having quality alone time, while everyone watching knows they just want to have sex.  Anyway, They are in Thailand and Blake gets the first date.

Becca and Blake go on a hike to a sacred temple, so they can't touch and kiss for most of the date.  At the temple, some monks give them advice about marriage (honesty, compromise, patience, and giving).  They they ring a bell that shares their love and then sprint back to the threshold where they can make out again.  In the evening, Blake tells Becca his fears about her falling for the other men.  She talks about how she felt last year, but doesn't deny feelings for the other men here.  It soothes Blake, so he tells her again how much he loves her and they kiss some more.  She hands him the Fantasy Suite Card, to which he replies, "Uh, Yeah!"  The next time we see them, it's morning and they are cuddling, still in bed.  Blake is anxious that this is the last time he'll be able to wake up next to her.  He feels so strongly, "like no way she has this with any other guy."  It's gonna be hard for him to watch this show...

The next day, Becca and Jason wander around a Thai market.  They weirdly dance in the middle of a street performance, eat crickets, and look at pretty architecture.  Becca has a weird freak out after saying something about the future and tells us she "feels weird" eight dozen times.  Basically she knows he's not the one, but judging by how he's the best kisser, she was probably looking forward to the fantasy suite, but she'd feel guilty about sleeping with him and immediately dumping him.  She has dinner with him anyway just in case, you know, she falls in love with a third guy last minute (she's already admitted to falling in love with Blake and Garrett).  Jason babbles about how great it was to tell his family that he loves her, only for her to tell him she sees a future more with two other dudes.  Jason is crushed, obviously, and Becca goes to cry in the fantasy suite.  She sobs, "like, I literally just did to him what Arie did to me."  Like, you literally did not: Arie proposed to you and planned for the future with you.  You never even slept with Jason; he's going to be ok.

Garrett's date is by far the coolest: they bamboo raft down a river where there is what looks like a bamboo raft party going on plus a bunch of elephants!  They do not seem appropriately excited by the elephants.  Garrett rambles incoherently and tells Becca this journey has made him better at communicating.  They kiss, and Becca hopes to hear "I love you" before the night is up.  She gets her wish.  Garrett hopes Becca is the last girl he "has to say" that too.  How romantic.  They head to the Fantasy Suite which is a tent in a tree house.  The next morning it's raining and they drink mimosas and it looks lovely.

Becca stares pensively out the window in preparation for her rose ceremony when there's a knock on the door.  Jason is back to get some closure and give her a scrapbook of their journey, since what the heck is he going to do with that now?  Becca tells us "the world needs more Jasons" and then takes a boat to the other guys.  Blake and Garrett show up one by one and you can just see the nerves leave their faces when Becca shows up sans Jason.  She still hands out roses, with looong pauses before each name even though there is approximately zero suspense here.

Next week it's on to the Maldives and meeting Becca's family!

Becca and "The Best Kisser in the Entire World"

We begin Hometowns Week in sunny California; Garrett is from Manteca, a Central Valley farming city that always makes me sing this song.  They ride around on a planter and try to plant tomatoes on Garrett's family's land.  Then they more successfully plant a rose bush.  Then Becca gets to meet Garrett's parents, older sister & husband, and twin brother & wife.  They are all protective of Garrett and don't want to see him hurt again.  They all like Becca though, so Garrett's pleased.

Next up, we go across the country to Buffalo, New York, where Jason brings her to a bar to enter a wing eating contest.  Apparently ranch is NOT a thing in Buffalo.  People chant "eat those wings" and they eat some wings.  People chant "kiss" and they kiss.  Next, Jason takes her to a hockey rink and makes all kinds of hockey/love metaphors mostly about teamwork.  They ride the Zamboni and make-out, I'm sure much to the chagrin of the Zamboni driver.  Jason's is the smallest family we meet: his parents and his brother & brother-in-law.  Jason tells his dad he's falling for her immensely, and follows up with, "it's insane that I'm saying that.  It's wild to think that's coming out of my mouth.  He sings his praises of Becca to his brother, who asks if he's told Becca how he feels (he hasn't, and his brother is like, what are you waiting for?!).  They all like her, Jason tells her he loves her, everyone is happy and supportive.

Another cold place is next: snowy Bailey, Colorado.  Blake inadvertently shares that he peaked in high school while they wander around saying hi to his old teachers.  They have a serous moment where Blake shares that his school fell victim to a school shooting when he was a senior.  To not end on a sad note before meeting the fam, Blake (but more likely the shows producers) has arranged a concert in his school auditorium.  It's Becca's favorite singer, Betty Who (that's not a question, though it kind of is... good thing Becca's favorite singer is concert-on-The-Bachelor level famous).  Then they go meet Blake's family.  They don't introduce the viewers to everyone, but it would appear that this meeting included both Blake's parents and associate step-parents and maybe his sisters?  Blake's mom has a reasonable response to Blake falling in love on this show: "That's crazy.  That's freaking crazy."  Again, though, the family is fairly supportive and are happy if Blake is happy.

Last, and kind of least, since he is the youngest, Colton gets to show Becca around his hometown of Parker, Colorado.  They buy some toys and visit a children's hospital and it's pretty cute.  Becca and Colton both thought the other was great with kids.  Colton then takes Becca home to meet 18 of his family members.  Colton talks about being a virgin with his mom, and talks to his dad about handling things like a man.  It's all kind of awkward, but the family seems to like Becca enough.  Colton admits to being in love with her and Becca says she's falling for him, too.

Back in LA, we get a girl chat before the rose ceremony.  Caroline, Kendall, Bekah M, Sienne, and Tia are back in a contrived situation so that Tia has a opportunity to stir up some drama.  Turns out she still has feelings for Colton.  Becca is frustrated since Colton is, like, sooo hot and also said he loved her, but also she doesn't want to lose a friend.  If only she had three other guys in love with her to fall back on!  Oh wait, she does.

The guys arrive one by one to the rose ceremony where Chris Harrison greets them and walks them in.  For some reason, Colton asks Chris Harrison advice about being intimate in the Fantasy Suite.  Scroll down and read this recap by Sharleen Joynt of Juan Pablo's season for the play by play.  It's pretty funny.  Anyway, Becca arrives, speechifies about how hard this decision is, and sends Colton home.  And no need to feel bad for Colton- he's off to Bachelor in Paradise with Tia waiting for him.

Becca and "A Bronzed God, If You Will"

This week we're in the Bahamas!  Becca will take the six remaining men on four dates: three of them get one-on-ones and the other three get a three-on-one.  Becca collects Colton for the first date while the other guys look sad.

PSA for anyone looking to be on one of these shows: do not tell the producers you are a virgin if you don't want a date chock full of euphemisms.  Becca thinks Colton is "a bronzed god, if you will," and is clearly physically attracted to him.  They ride around on a catamaran and then go diving for conch shells.  Some dude on a yellow painted boat shows them how to pull the pistol out of the conch and explains that this is Bahamian Viagra.  They eat it, it's gross, they make-out.  That evening they discuss Colton's inexperience with dating and love and also sex.  Becca is surprised, but doesn't judge.  I think it helped that he said he's not necessarily waiting for marriage, just love.  He gets the rose, surprising the rest of the guys who thought maybe Becca wouldn't be able to get past the virgin thing.

Garrett gets one-on-one number two, and we see glimpses of Blake starting to unravel and second guess how Becca feels about him.  Garrett and Becca get to go island hopping in a sea plane.  They make out in lots of sandy places.  Becca thinks everything physical is there with Garrett, but needs more depth, so that evening she asks questions to help gain some depth.  Apparently the depth she wasted was just if he's ready again to be engaged again after his last time not working out so well.  I guess he gives a satisfactory answer because Becca gives him a rose and they run off into the sea, never to be seen again make out lots more.

Blake gets the next one-on-one, so we don't get to see him have a nervous break down after all.  They go to a beach party where we learn that the Baha Men are still around and have a new song out.  In the evening, Blake talks about his family drama: his mom had an affair with his English teacher/basketball coach which was not great mentally for a teenager.  He also tells Becca he loves her and Becca says that they "are on the same page, but he doesn't know it yet."

Time for the last group date of the season!  Jason, Leo, and Wills go meet Becca for some volleyball before she talks to/kisses them all.  Leo asks where he stands, and Becca acknowledges that he's not as far a long as the other guys, so she grabs Jason and Wills and they leave Leo on the beach.  Now a two-on-one, Wills tells Becca he loves her, Jason's not ready to say it, but she's more on Jason's page, so Wills gets sent home.  There's a lot of sad sighing, both on and off screen (#WillsForBachelor).

And that's all for the Bahamas!

Becca and the angry person

Chris Harrison checks in with Becca over some tea.  She's finding babies extra cute and reading wedding magazines, so this is getting serious.

Jason gets the first date card, which sets Chris off about how he wants a 1-on-1 or even a 2-on-1, which somehow leads to Chris and Lincoln arguing over who would "win" on a 2-on-1 and the rest of the guys looking around awkwardly.

The date is a hodgepodge of stuff: they take a trolley around Richmond, glaze some donuts, visit a church, go to the Poe museum and attend an "Unhappy hour" which is just a depressing, weird, gothic hangout.  Then they go to a bar where three of Jason's friends are waiting, which is actually a pretty cool surprise considering who Jason's been stuck with the past month.  Jason's friends sing his praises to Becca, Jason tells his friends how great Becca is.  That evening, they chat about his friends and how hard it's been in the past to open up, but it's easy with Becca.  He tells her about how it was difficult when his Grandma got Alzheimers, Becca tells him about losing her dad when she was 19.  They talk about not taking people for granted.  They kiss, he gets the rose.  Becca says she has one more surprise for him.  It's just a balcony where they can kiss with a nice view.

Next up is a group date with Colton, Garrett, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln, and Chris.  Chris feels like he needs to "go all in, guns a blazing; it's do or die," which is a bit dramatic, even for this show.  They are greeted at the Capital or something by George Washington and Abraham Lincoln (who lets Lincoln try on his hat), where they are told they will be Campaigning for Becca.  Or campaigning to be Becca's running mate.  Or campaigning for her hand.  It's unclear.  Anyway, they go out to podiums where the Governor of Virginia, Chris Harrison, Abe Lincoln, and George Washington ask the guys questions.  It's all going just swell- guys hamming it up about Becca and Virginia, until Lincoln takes a shot at Chris threatening to leave.  Fun time is now over and it turns into a Chris vs Lincoln debate.  Chris goes on about how Lincoln body shamed him for being fat in the past and that he's aggressive.  Chris also insists he's honest.  Becca says it's embarrassing.

That evening, Lincoln pulls Becca aside first to tell her he's scared of Chris and so is everyone else.  Chris interrupts and Becca confronts him.  He's "uncomfortable" and Lincoln is just fabricating things.  Garrett interrupts, but Becca is distracted and needs some alone time.  Garrett is pissed and starts arguing with Chris, who had been arguing with Lincoln.  Becca does get some nice time with Garrett, Colton, and Wills, and gives the group date rose to Colton.

Last date this week is with Leo.  Becca's still a bit upset about the group date drama.  They take a little plane ride around Virginia, collect and shuck some oysters, and then eat the oysters.  "You're pretty hot," Leo tells Becca as they kiss.  Over dinner, Becca tells Leo he saw her at her worst, to which he responds, "that's your worst? You were mildly, like, not yourself."  Leo then chats about his parents and how he feels like his dad is disappointed in him since he was good at baseball but didn't make it big.  He knows he's hard on himself.  Becca reassures him that he's nice and hot and can't imagine people seeing him as not a stand-up guy.  He gets a rose and they go to some country concert where fans mob them on their little riser.

Back at the hotel, Chris is dramatically journaling while the other guys talk bout his spiraling.  Chris storms off when Leo returns with a rose.  He rants about Lincoln: "the man eats 12 eggs everyday.  His cholesterol must be 6,000."  Why Chris is hung up on Lincoln's cholesterol is unclear.  He wanders over to where Becca is staying in a last ditch effort to "win."  He complains about other guys and that he can see them getting married.  Becca is just seeing red flags and lets him know she doesn't want to drag him through an entire rose ceremony.  She offers to walk him out and he says he can walk himself out.  He seems like a guy who takes rejection horribly.

It's time for the cocktail party, except, oh no, Becca's cancelled it!  It's straight to a rose ceremony where Garrett, Blake, and Wills get roses, and Lincoln and Connor go home.  And we're finally going international!  Bahamas next week before it's back to the states for hometowns.

Becca rolls the dice on love

It's "Vegas, baby!" a dozen guys say, before we hear voice overs of the most uninspiring gambling-related puns (eg "roll the dice on love!")

Colton has the first date this week, and Becca takes him to ride camels in the desert, only to find a hot tub set up in the middle of nowhere.  They talk about how they've already overcome so much and then make-out a lot.  During the evening portion, they discuss Colton's past relationship where he fell hard, said "I love you" super early, and then she broke up with him.  He was heartbroken but now takes love seriously or something.  Becca seems to like this little speech and gives him a rose and more kisses.  They end the date riding a tour bus around Vegas, drinking champagne, while a lit-up billboard instructs Colton to "Kiss Her." This sign is strategically placed so the rest of the guys can see it from their hotel room.

The group date this week takes Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris to a fancy estate with "nice horsies."  Mr. Wayne Newton rides up on a horse, gives them a tour of his house, and sings "Danke Schoen" to his wife.  Turns out, they all get to write love songs to Becca to the tune of Danke Schoen.  And that's not all, they get to preform those songs in front of a Vegas audience.  They are all pretty awful, but awfully good sports about it.

That evening, it's a pretty low key after-group-date-party.  Chris is feeling confident since he was the arguably the best performer- he got off the stage and really worked the crowd.  However, the evening comes and goes and he gets no one-on-one time with Becca.  Blake gets the group date rose after admitting to be falling in love with Becca.  Chris starts to spiral and mutters about leaving.

Next, to no one's surprise, there is the dreaded two-on-one date with, you guessed it, David and Jordan.  Both are overly confident and David really can't help himself poke at Jordan.  Colton has to hang out with the two of them during the group date, and he tells them they're acting like rams trying to push the other off a mountain, but if they can't focus on Becca during the date, they'll both fall off the mountain.  You know they aren't going to take his advice.  They meet Becca in the desert where she takes them in a jeep to a  site very reminiscent of the epic Ashley I - Kelsey 2-on-1 in the Badlands where Chris Soules left them both in the desert.  Becca and David chat first, and he immediately goes into a speech about Jordan being there for the wrong reasons and settling for Becca and how he's still thinking about other girls and models he wants to get with.  David thinks this went well and feels like he's totally ended the "golden underpants clown."  Becca pulls Jordan aside and confronts him about what David said.  He denies everything, of course, and when it doesn't seem like Becca is quite believing him, goes "I'll tell you right off rip" and goes into a yell-talk-monologue about his rough childhood, which, granted, sounds rough (poverty, parent with mental illness, etc), but it really wasn't the best way to deliver that news.  Anyway, Jordan is riled up and goes back to yell at David.  "You've been a little bitch rat-ass *bleep*" he shouts while David lounges and touts his honesty.  Becca comes to sit with them.  Jordan is pissed because David told Becca he said the "most hurtful thing you could say to a woman on this planet," that being that he's settling, and while that's pretty hurtful, I think there's a lot worse.  Becca feels like she's back in sixth grade and leaves them to argue at each other while she collects her thoughts.  It's pretty clear she was planning to pull a Chris and leave them both in the desert, but Jordan shared a sob story, which practically requires he get to stick around.  So Becca takes Jordan off in the Jeep, and only David is left in the desert.

Jordan is smug as heck; "Why did the chicken cross the road?" he posits, "to get buried in the fucking desert.  He ran his beat too much and got his head chopped off."  Back at the hotel, the men groan when David's suitcase is taken away.  They aren't surprised, but are bummed David couldn't stop egging Jordan on.  Jordan and Becca go have dinner, where Jordan goes on and on about modelling.  We do find out that "unfortunately, uh, Zoolander is extremely accurate."  So that's something.  Though Jordan is "not really, like, an average model."  Ok.  Jordan kisses her suddenly and she is not into it.  Jordan does not get the rose.  He's annoyed because he "was vulnerable and got no reward" and doesn't understand why Becca doesn't want him considering he "can speak" and "can walk" which is not that impressive, Jordan.  Becca watched fireworks alone with the rose and the rest of the guys cheer when Jordan's suitcase is picked up.

And just when you thought the main drama was over, we get a cocktail party featuring a full-on-panic-mode Chris.  The other guys have noticed he's cracking, and somehow, during the two-on-one date, she heard about Chris considering leaving.  She pulls him aside first to ask him about it.  He doesn't start his answer off well.  "I think you owe me like 50,000 kisses right now," Chris says, to which Becca rightfully responds, "owe?!?"  They start kind of arguing, so Becca walks away.  Later, Chris interrupts Becca's time with Wills as asks if he can steal her for a sec.  Becca says no.  Chris turns to Wills to ask for some time, who graciously gives him two minutes.  Will hovers nearby as Chris tries to salvage his image.  After two minutes, Wills returns and Chris is not done.  "This is, like, legitimately serious.  I can't get, like, a couple more minutes?"  Wills simply says "No."  Becca has to send him away so she can go back to kissing Wills.  When Wills returns to the group of men inside (with a hilarious "sup, baby" to Chris), Chris tries to get into an argument with him, but the other guys all defend Wills and Chris is not happy.  He does get to talk to Becca one more time and has a whole speech about falling for her or something- I am so done with him I really couldn't bring myself to pay attention to his last ditch effort to stay.  Chris Harrison collects Becca, and the guys assemble by a pool for the rose ceremony.  Only John doesn't get a rose and everyone is super bummed.  I'm actually legitimately surprised- I had already half written down John's name in my notes while Chris Harrison was announcing the final rose when Becca said Chris.  John is "certainly bummed about it."

During the credits we get some B-roll of Jordan getting a facial and talking about, what else, himself:
"Being handsome is great.  Uh, but being handsome doesn't get the job done.  It's all about, you know, skin care, hair care, uh, clothing, what to wear for occasions..."  ugh, good riddance Mr. Model.

Becca and "the best looking guy in the house"

We start this week's episode still in last week's episode.  The cocktail party is in full swing- Blake and Becca talk about how many kids they want and that they want to name their daughters traditionally boys' names.  The gentlemen give a toast to David who is still in the hospital while Jordan sulks in the corner.  He goes to chat with Becca who gives him gold shot-shorts and calls him Captain Underpants.  Coincidentally (but not actually because the producers of this show have figured out bad timing after a million seasons of this thing), David returns while Jordan is with Becca who immediately wants to go say hi.  David looks pretty busted up, but everyone is happy he's back.  Except Jordan, of course, who has a nice little monologue about how David is trying to save face but "has no face to save" and that he, Jordan, is "one of the better looking guys in the house.  Some of the guys think [he's] the best looking guy in the house."  Ugh, someone needs to knock this guy down a few pegs.  Jordan goes on to say he's pretty confident about getting a rose 'cause he's super hot and David's face: "it's just a Picasso.  You know, the clock's over here, the beach is there."  Jordan is confusing Picasso with Dali and I don't know why I'm surprised the male model isn't good with art history that even I, a scientist who's avoided the humanities, knows.  Much to Jordan's dismay, Becca gives David a rose and tells him to go rest and that he doesn't have to sit through the rose ceremony.  Jordan is so confident and, like the best, he rants at everyone about how he's Captain Underpants, and he is reaaaallllly letting David get into his head.  Anyway, the rose ceremony happens; Nick is wearing a track suit for some reason, and Ryan and Mike go home.  No one has heard Ryan or Mike speak this whole season, so, no surprises there.

UTAH!

Time to leave LA!  We jump right into the dates.  Garrett gets the first one-on-one date.  They wander around Park City doing cute touristy things before taking a gondola up a mountain to go bobsledding with some actual Olympians: Valerie and Shauna are not only 2006 Olympic Silver medalists, but they're married, so I guess this date activity is a metaphor for love, too.  Looks intense and fun and Becca and Garrett get champagne and a make-out session at the end.

Back at the house, we learn that Lincoln is a flat-earther and luckily the rest of the guys are as bewildered at his stupidity as the rest of us.  There's hope for some of them yet.

Back to Becca and Garrett.  In the evening portion of the date, Becca ask's about Garrett's past relationships.  Turns out, Garrett was married and "one thing led to another, and we got divorced."  What, what?  When I say "one thing led to another" it's more like, there were free tequila shots and "one thing led to another and" I puked or, I was watching The Bachelorette and "one thing led to another and" I drank a whole bottle of rosé.  Divorce maybe needs slightly more of an explanation.  Garrett blames the whole thing on the girl, and Becca claims to be concerned, but also she finds Garrett, like, so cute, so he gets the rose.  Oh, and a country concert where they dance and kiss on a little stage while Bachelor fans take pictures and ignore the country artist we've never heard of.

Group date time!  Thirteen of the dudes still left get to compete in a lumberjack competition.  They don matching flannel and throw logs around.  But that evening, the drama begins.  We get two dramatic story lines!  First off, Jordan is pissing the guys off, but it's not David this time that gets riled up.  Chris and Colton pull Jordan aside to confront him about not being here for the right reasons.  As all of these confrontations go, it is not remotely productive.  They call each other names and nothing is resolved.  Then Jean Blanc spirals.  He's clearly very insecure and decides to give Becca a perfume named "Miss Becca Blanc", plant a kiss on her, and proclaim falling in love.  Hooooo boy is it awkward.  And it only gets worse.  Becca tells him she's just not feeling it and starts to walk him out.  He stops her to throw a hail mary and claim he didn't really mean the falling in love thing and that he was just saying what he though she wanted him to say.  She was rightfully taken aback, so he tries to take that back too... She cancels the rest of the night.

Wills gets the second one-on-one this week.  Becca is still distracted by the whole Jean Blanc debacle, but Wills is a total sweetheart and they snowmobile and drink champagne in the snow, and it's super sweet.

As per usual around this time of the season, Becca cancels the cocktail party and they all go straight to the rose ceremony.  Everyone blames Jean Blanc.  Christen and Nick fail to get roses.  Jordan is pissed because he got the last rose and he's never gotten last place in anything before.  In fact, he beats out other male models all the time.  He leaves us with this nonsense: "I'm like a sponge.  You can squeeze me and get everything out of me but you'll never know unless you try."  Good grief.

Becca and "a professional football player and a bunch of chumps"

It's a rainy day in LA when we begin this episode.  Colton is moody because of the he dated Tia situation.  David is still complaining about Jordan and how he spends his days putting together outfits.  Jordan complains about how David spends all day cooking eggs and trying to get under Jordan's skin.  Jordan claims not to fee threatened, but he sure lets David get under his skin anyway.

Group date #1 or "Cheers to being a bitch"

The first date of the episode takes Wills, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, Colton, and Jason to a spa.  But surprise!  They aren't getting pampered, they're pampering Becca's friends, aka fellow contestants from Arie's season.  Kendall, Caroline, Bekah M, Sienne, and *drumroll* Tia are there.  Becca introduces them (though Colton and Tia need no introduction), and Becca forgets Jason's name (but he gets some smooches later, so it's ok).  While the girls AND the guys all get their fingernails painted, Becca and Tia step out to chat about the Colton situation.  Tia tells Becca the most they did was kiss, and sure he may have thought Tia would be The Bachelorette, but Tia hopes he's there for Becca.  I mean, Tia actually hoped she would be in Becca's shoes right now, but being cooperative now means more screen time for her and probably a good BIP placement.

For the evening portion of the date, we've mostly moved on from caring about the Colton-Tia drama, and instead get some excellent model vs chicken drama.  David just can't help himself from picking fights with Jordan, who we find out got 4,000 matches on Tinder in 2017 (which he claims was 100% a successful match rate).  David decides to tell Becca this, who thinks it's kind of funny and gives Jordan a sarcastic high-five.  Jordan call's David a bitch and goes to talk to Becca.  He gives her an awkward hug and tells her he's like a golden retriever in relationships.  Both Jordan and David think they've come out on top.  David keeps egging Jordan on who's decided to not talk to him.  David asks what look he's getting now:  "is this pensive?  Is this Clint Eastwood?"  Jordan finally breaks and rants about how good a model he is and how "attached to [him] is professionality.  It's [his] face."  The other guys are trying really hard not to laugh.

The date ends after Becca chats with Colton, who tells her he's there for her.  She believes him, kisses him, and gives him the group date rose.  Jordan is pissed because he thinks David lost him the rose and says, "karma is karma.  People who go up against me end up getting hurt sometimes."  I don't think Jordan knows what karma is.

1-on-1 Date: "You brought out my smile on a rainy day"

Chris gets the one one-on-one date this week.  Becca brings him to Capitol Records, where Richard Marx (a Grammy-winning artist, as they tell us multiple times) is waiting to help them write a love song together.  Chris is very uncomfortable with writing down his feelings.  Not 'cause he's a man and men suck at feelings, but because last time he tried to be vulnerable and write down his feelings, it was to try to reconnect with his dad who left his mom/him/sisters when he was 7, he never got a response and it was rough.  Becca gives him a pep talk and a kiss, and he writes a sweet emotional poem.  Richard Marx puts what they wrote to music and they make-out and dance to the song.

That evening, Chris tells Becca about the whole dad-letter thing and he gets the rose.  They then get a private concert by, you guessed it, Richard Marx, where they dance and make-out in front of him for the second time that day.

"There was an incident at the house last night."

Back at the mansion, David and Jordan are at it again.  Jordan, despite getting worked up about David every time, still thinks he's winning here, especially since he "talk[s] to God every day, and God know, if Jordan's got an issue with someone, phew, 86 him."  And I don't think that's how God works?  Though maybe I'm wrong, because that night, David falls off his bunk-bed onto his face and there was a lot of blood and he had to be taken away to intensive care.  Most of the guys are pretty shaken up about it.  Jordan thinks it's a good time to make jokes.  Chris Harrison visits Becca to let her know what happened, and she calls David to say hi.

Group date #2 or "It's gonna be some pretty bad football"

For the other group date this week, Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, and Blake get brought to a football field where a couple of women from the Legends Football League run them through drills.  Clay, the professional football player, aces them.  Lincoln, not so much.  Then, of course, they split the men into teams and play a game in front of the most female dominated football crowd ever.  They play some football, Clay singlehandedly keeping his team from losing (they tie), but breaks his wrist while doing so.  He's taken off in an ambulance and the rest of the guys join Becca at an antique shop for evening drinks.

Becca chats with some of the men, kiss a few, and then is surprised by Clay returning!  Much to the rest of the guys' dismay, Clay gets the group date rose.

"I got hurt playing football on The Bachelorette"

Time for the cocktail party.  The main thing that happened here, is that Clay decides to leave.  He needs surgery for his wrist, and kind of needs to focus on healing to be able to do his job (ie play football).  Becca's bummed, Clay's sad, but knows he's making the right decision.  Then the episode just ends.  No cliffhanger, really, except the previews tell us David comes back for the rose ceremony and his face doesn't look too good (they don't show us his face though).  Pretty anticlimactic, really.

Becca and "it's ingenuinity"

We again start the episode with Becca talking about Arie, this time voiced over her biking in LA rather than wandering in snowy MN.

Group Date #1: Obstacle Course inspired by marriage clichés
For the first date of the season, Clay, Nick, Chris (inexplicably called Chris R. even though he's the only Chris this season), David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln meet up with Becca at some place called Saddlerock Ranch.  There are tuxedos and champagne waiting and Becca awkwardly spins around while they all change.  Jordan decides to show off his modeling and gives Becca some confidence, telling her to "put the confidence on" before her pantyhose.

All dressed up, Becca leads the guys to a field where Rachel and Bryan are waiting to introduce them to "Groom's Day," a silly obstacle course with obstacles:

• ball and chain (literally drag a heavy ball on a chain)
• cold feet (sit in an ice bath for the length of an egg timer)
• slippery slope (climb up a greasy staircase)
• get over your exes (climb through some wooden X's, grab a bouquet, and put it in a bucket vase)
• cake tasting (dig through a cake without using hands to find a ring)
• race to the altar (run to propose to Becca)

Lincoln takes an early lead, mainly because he cheated on the cold feet part, if you ask any of the other guys.  He wins and gets photo with Becca.  That evening, he steals Becca first because they're married and they got married and married married married.  Lincoln tells Becca she brings out the best in him.  She asks why and he just says he's comfortable around her.  She kisses him and gives him a framed photo from the date.  He's thrilled.  Like, way too thrilled.  He says, and you can't make this shit up, "Kissing Becca is like flying to the moon on the wings of a pegasus while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold" and dude needs to pump on the brakes a bit.  Anyway, Lincoln rejoins the other guys, displaying his photo next to the group date rose.  Other guys are not thrilled.  Becca chats with some of the guys while Connor gets more an more agitated about Lincoln's photo to the point that he throws it out the window.  Becca has her last drama-free moment of the season kissing Jean Blanc before Lincoln brings photogate to her attention.  Sure, what Connor did was pretty shitty, but Lincoln hams it the fuck up, saying he feels threatened physically and says he's heartbroken and also cries.  I'm all for men showing emotions, but Lincoln is a bit extra.  Becca confronts Connor who stumbles through explaining why he did it.  Becca says she wants a guy who respects other people and stuff and Connor is embarrassed.  Jean Blanc gets the Group Date Rose and they all go home.

The next morning, Lincoln is telling the other guys about photogate and starts sobbing.  Jordan thinks this shows "ingenuinity."  Male models don't need to learn stuff good, I guess.

One-on-One Date: Were you guys aware that Becca has a Ex?
Blake gets the one-on-one date this week.  They take a limo to an abandoned looking warehouse where Chris Harrison is waiting with a sledgehammer.  Their date involves smashing things from Becca and Arie's relationship: a race car, champagne, monitors showing the proposal, and even the couch that Arie broke up with Becca on.  Oh, and Lil John is going to serenade them with "Turn down for what" peppered with some lyrics about Arie.

Their evening portion is pretty bland: they have a nice conversation; Blake gets the rose, a kiss, and a steamy make-out session in an alley.

Group Date #2: Any excuse to make the guys wear short-shorts
Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Christon, Trent, Leo, Wills, and Colton get picked up in a yellow school bus for their date.  They roll up to a school where Becca greets them and introduces them to their trainers: three kids.  Three kids who just verbally abuse them while they run around the gym and practice being pummeled with dodgeball.  "Trash!" one kid yells at them, "Do you think Becca wants trash!?"  It's pretty great, actually.  They scrimmage.  The team with Becca decides the best strategy is to hide being Becca since the other guys are hesitant to hurt her.  Christon give zero fucks and just pelts her with the balls.  This is not all just for good fun: the guys are going to compete in front of an audience of screaming Bachelor fans.  It's Neon Pink vs the Green Frogs.  The Green Frogs dominate, but it's close, thanks only to Leo, who singlehandedly wins won and almost wins the other two as well.

That evening, the winners jokingly ask if they need to hide the trophy.  Becca chats with each of them, and since they won't fight each other to make this date exciting, someone has to tell Becca something dramatic... and that someone is Colton.  Turns out, he spent a weekend with Tia (Becca's friend and Arie's fourth runner up).  This makes Becca "feel a little bit sick."  She's mostly annoyed because Colton is super hot and she was hoping to keep him around until the fantasy suites and now she has to worry about her friend's feelings.  Becca gives Wills the group date rose and goes to sulk pensively in the dark.

Cocktail Party, or, "We have a naked male model"
Becca has some nice moments with some of the guys, but the night is basically all about Jordan, who decides to come out wearing just some boxer briefs, knowing full well it will put a target on his back. He says "tick tock, let's make it rock," and I really have no idea what he meant by that.  He interrupts Becca and David chatting, so David is going to be the one taking the fall for complaining about Jordan not being here for the right reasons in some future episode for sure.

"I don't want you to misinterpret me as some guy thats, like, 007 all the time," Jordan monologues at Becca, "'cause I'm not.  There's a lot to me.  I'm really wild, I'm very spontaneous, I like to speed."  Jordan goes on to say he likes to live life on the edge but "like a gentleman" as his hair will be "well-kept."  He then loses me on some tangent about wanting a mini-me he can call Jordy who will sit on his shoulder and what, now?  Meanwhile, David is pissed and confronts Jordan when he returns.  He asks is he's more than a model, and Jordan doesn't really have an answer to that.  He does tell the camera that if they took an IQ test, he'd "pass it [...] a little higher than you think a male model would," which is not very high Jordan, so, not too impressive there.  David says he hopes Becca sees the"'ingenuine " side of Jordan, and Jordan responds with "it's ingenuinity," and someone buy these boys a dictionary.

So anyway, Jordan wears a pink blanky to the rose ceremony and claims showing his fashion and skin should guarantee him a rose.  That, and he's one of less than 100 Wilhelmina Male Models in the US, which is supposed to be impressive, I guess.  He somehow gets a rose, and Becca sends Rickey, Trent, and Alex home, who we barely know.

Becca and The 'Sea of Highway Patrol Officers'

We start this season with sad music and sobbing, followed by pensive walks in the snow, culminating in Becca driving a red convertible to uplifting music in a leather jacket with roses all over.  After being blindsided by Arie's break-up and returning home to Minnesota for a bit, Becca is ready to find love again.  Kaitlyn, Jojo, and Rachel are awaiting Becca at the Bachelor Mansion to remind her to "*bleep* Arie" and "trust [her] gut" and point out where they smooched their current fiances on night one.  Rachel and Jojo also want to sage the house.  Kaitlyn is confused "why do you light a big doobie and throw it around the room?"  Good question.  She doesn't find out since they set off the fire alarm and go outside to say cheers and drink champagne.

Things we learned from the intro videos:

• Clay is a biracial football player who cooks for his extended family.
• Garrett is a big goofball who loves all things outdoors.
• Jordan is a "pensive gentleman" who takes modeling incredibly seriously and looks like a douchey Ken Doll.
• Lincoln is originally from Nigeria and the US is different from there.
• Joe is an adorable Chicagoan who owns a grocery store and knows his tomatoes, but women? "Not so much."
• Jean Blanc reaaalllly likes fragrances.  He also dissed Trump, which I almost missed due to bleeping, saying that Port-au-Prince is "not a shithole" (it's where he's from).
• Colton is your Classic hot dude who played football, got injured, and now runs a non-profit helping kids with Cystic Fibrosis (which his cousin was born with).  Oh, and he has a big ol' black lab, so basically he's perfect.

Limo Entrances

Chris Harrison greets Becca: "This is now your mansion."
And now, the men:

• Colton brings giant confetti poppers and Becca thinks he's handsome.
• Grant tells Becca he respects what she went through, but they should forget about all that and have a good time.
• Clay makes like 8 puns about "catches" - including that she'd be the biggest catch of his life (and he's a football player, so he's made some big catches before).
• Jean Blanc teaches Becca how to say "Let's do the damn thing" in French and she thinks he smells good.
• Connor kneels and recreates Becca's limo entrance from Arie's season.

I do find it fitting that she wore black for
Arie's night one, and white for her own.

• Joe completely forgets what he was planning to say, so he tells Becca that.
• John's grandmother told him love can happen overnight, because it happened to her and his grandfather.
• Leo goes in for a handshake, but Becca is a hugger.  He tells her they should let their hair down and pulls his hair out of a bun.  Becca comments that he has better hair than she does.  He has better hair than everyone.
• Jordan tells Becca he's already having a good time.  He goes inside and gets one polite comment about how he looks good, and informs the other men that he spent 6 hours putting together this outfit.  The next limo entrances are accompanied by interviews with Jordan talking about how he picked out the specific articles to be unique, and shots of other dudes showing how un-unique his choices are.
• Ricky lists "all the adjectives" describing Becca.
• Alex also compliments Becca.
• Nick shows up in a car racing suit, says this is stupid, and rips it off.
• Mike shows Nick's Arie reference up by bringing a life-size cardboard cutout of Arie so he can see how happy she is.
• Garrett rolls up in a minivan filled with soccer balls and car-seats, to which Becca responds, "that was good!"

Ok, but for a show about a woman wanting to get married in like a month,
how has this entrance not been done before?!

Now we have the five guys Becca already met at Arie's After the Final Rose:

• Blake outdoes his horse entrance, riding in on an ox (his feelings are already "strong as an ox").
• Lincoln's birthday was on ATFR, so he brought some cake for them to share.
• Chase makes puns about this being "all about the chase."
• Darius says he's not as nervous as before.
• Ryan does not have his Banjo.

And back to meeting new men:

• Christon's entrance was unmemorable.
• Wills informs Becca that he's a closet nerd.  She says she's just a nerd.
• Jason shows Becca his and his friends' secret handshake, making it not really a secret handshake anymore.
• Kamil tries to make a healthy relationships meet in the middle by having her walk some of the way to him joke, but ruins it trying to make her come 60 to his 40.  It's a bit cringe-worthy and Becca is not impressed.
• Jake is immediately recognized by Becca who says "that's so weird" since they apparently run in the same Minneapolis social circles.
• Trent leaps out of the back of a hearse, informing Becca that he "literally died" when he heard she was the Bachelorette, but now he's back to life.
• Christian says something nice and spins her.
• David is the token costume guy, and he doesn't disappoint.  Dressed as a chicken, he clucks his way toward Becca, altering 'Ba-caw' to 'Becca' by the time he reaches her.  And then makes chicken puns.  I have to add that throughout these limo entrances, we are treated to Jordan just ripping the other guy's clothing choices apart.  Chicken guy shows up and Jordan is speechless.  He literally can't even with a chicken suit.

Not here to ruffle feathers, here to be eggcellent.

• Chris brings a gospel choir to impress Pastor Uncle Gary.  They sing a song that must've been written for this show since it's about bringing roses to heaven.

We get the typical montage of men milling about, commenting on how beautiful and funny and great Becca is, followed by the typical toast from the Bachelorette about how hopeful she is and how much love she has to give.  She barely takes a sip, and Connor pops up out of nowhere and steals her away first.  Jordan is convinced he dropped his playbook and Connor picked it up and the fact that Jordan is so concerned by his playbook makes me literally unable to even.  Leo has the best take I've heard on the stealing-first guy: "there's an old real estate saying.  You never buy your first house."

Clay has Becca play with clay (which looks like it's probably play-doh).  John informs Becca he made Venmo.  Christon dunks a basketball by jumping over Becca's head and the guys are begrudgingly impressed.  Jean Blanc reads Becca a poem he wrote and had engraved on a candle lid.  We learn that Joe got into the grocery business by wholesaling watermelons, which I find fascinating for some reason.  Chris Harrison spooks the guys by bringing in the first impression rose.  Lincoln gives her a bracelet from Nigeria.  David the chicken has a good conversation with Becca (after doing the chicken dance with her, obviously) which I'm sure pissed Jordan off as he refused to even talk to him.  Wills has an "Expecto Patronum" tatoo, which Becca reads as "Expecto Patronus" which casts a shadow of doubt on her being a "nerd."  Garrett teaches Becca a little fly fishing while the other guys scoff, leading to one of my favorite exchanges of the episode:
"Wonder if he's catching anything."
"Feelings."

Seriously though, Christon was straight up impressive.

Everything seems to be going smoothly, so it must be time for some  ~DRAMA~
Chris pulls a couple guys aside to ask some advice.  When ATFR aired, a friend of his texted him about Chase, saying she used to date him and that he's not going on this show for the right reasons.  Chris wants to know if he should bring it up with either Chase or Becca.  The other guys encourage him to confront Chase, so he does.  Chase responds that he and Danielle only date briefly a long time ago and that he's totally here for the right reasons.  Chase is upset, and decides he should tell Becca about this before Chris gets a chance to.  Becca asks what the texts said, and Chase doesn't know, so they bring in Chris to elaborate.  Chase keeps saying it was like two years ago and she's not really an ex since they only went on a few dates and he'd expect this from his two exes, not Danielle, which doesn't sound suspicious at all, Chase.  Becca, now thinking about guys being here for the wrong reasons, pulls Jake aside to ask why he's never pursued her before since they run in the same social circles.  He claims he has only one "conscious memory" of meeting Becca and he had a "transformative year" so Becca should give new Jake a chance.  Becca never felt they had anything before and sends him packing.  She goes back in to let the rest of the men know why he left, and they're all "holy hell" and "this is getting real".

The night is almost over, so Becca grabs the first impression rose and bestows it on Garrett, and they share the first kiss of the season.  The rose ceremony happens, and all of the guys are nervous that the chicken guy will get a rose and they won't.  Jordan claims that him not getting a rose would be "the biggest upset of all time," and if that didn't sound narcissistic enough, follows with him going home would be "unfair to Becca."  Good Grief, Douche Ken Doll.

I mean, she had to pick the guy in the $3,000 suit.  C'mon!

Who we lost this week:
Minneapolis Jake, 60-40 Kamil, wrong reason Chase, #GroceryStoreJoe, and then Christian, Darius, and Grant, who I had to look up to have their names in this list.

A Quick Summary of Becca's Men

It's almost time!  Becca K, here on out just known as Becca, will be debuting as our Bachelorette in a little over a week.  Well, I guess whatever second debuting is called, since technically she met four of these dudes at Arie's ATFR.

A summary of the men vying for Becca's hand in a proposal that may or may not last:

If ABC's choices are any indication, Becca has a thing for jocks.

One guy is from Becca's home state of Minnesota.  The rest are mostly from California (10 dudes) and Florida (7 dudes) with the remaining from Colorado (3), Illinois (2), and then one each from Georgia, Nevada, Washington, New York, and Ohio.

These guys are MUCH more age appropriate than Arie's season: Becca is 27 and her guys are 25-31 with an average age of 28.  A good third of them aren't white.

The weirdest "occupation" is social media participant, which is like the least unique way to describe someone, especially someone on this show that guarantees a little bit of Instagram fame.  The guy is actually in real estate and models part time, so who knows what the story is there.  There's also a "colognoisseur" who is really in finance and is named Jean Blanc and of course a guy names Jean Blanc is into something like cologne.

Overall, from a like two sentence bio each, they seem like an athletic, well educated group, so I have high hopes that are likely to be dashed if ABC has anything to do with it.

See all the suitors here: http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelorette/cast

"Arie is a wanker"

We start this Live Finale Day Two off with a lengthy recap of Arie proposing to and then breaking up with Becca, as if we didn't just watch it the night before.

We see a montage of Becca going home to snowy Minnesota and being sad.  Then we see Arie having a panic attack in front of Lauren's house.  He shouldn't have worried- Lauren practically throws herself at him when he knocks on the door.  They apparently have talked on the phone, so she knows he broke it off with Becca.  Lauren says it's been tough.  Arie says he let logic win over his heart and that he's "1000 percent" over Becca.  She forgives him and hints that she wants to get engaged.

Chris Harrison talks to Bekah, Tia, Kendall, Sienne, and Caroline, who all claim they love Lauren, but man, does Arie suck.  They all agree he probably should have broken the engagement off camera and Sienne says it was especially shitty of Arie to get affirmation from Lauren before breaking his engagement.  He was making it sound like a huge risk, but really, he knew he'd still get Lauren.  They all bash Arie for a while, and then Becca comes out.  She gets a standing ovation, and Chris Harrison talks about how fans just LOVE her.  There are apparently billboards up in Minneapolis and LA, and someone started a "buy Becca a drink" fundraiser which raised over $6,000.  Becca says she'll donate it to the non-profit Stand Up to Cancer.  Chris says ABC will match the donation.  So at least something good is coming out of this dumb show.

Arie comes out next to face Becca.  They chat and he says he regrets proposing when he wasn't 100% sure.  Becca says she's ready to close this chapter of her life.  Since Arie's not the first Bachelor to break up with his final pick and get together with the runner up, we get an interview with Jason and Molly Mesnick who have been married for 8 years.  They say it was easier back then since there was no social media.  Jason says Arie seems like a nice guy, but being on this show can really mess you up.  Arie says he's just trying to do what's best for him.  Then they bring Lauren out.  Chris says to her, "I can't imagine what's going through your head right now," to which Lauren responds, "yeah, me neither," so I guess we'll never know.

Chris talks to Lauren - she's completely forgiven Arie and is so in love.  Arie proposes to a fairly tepid response from the audience, which includes both Lauren and Arie's families.  That wrapped up quickly and it's on to announcing our next Bachelorette.  Unsurprisingly, Becca has been chosen.  The other girls from Arie's season come up to gush about Becca.  And then, like they did for Rachel's season, they set up a Bachelor Mansion backdrop, and Becca meets five of her suitors:

1. Lincoln has a bowtie and an accent and a very long speech.
2. Chase wants to be Becca's open door (from the "one door closes, another opens" cliche).
3. Ryan has a banjo and sings a song about Becca.
4. Darius apologizes on behalf of the male gender.
5. Blake comes out with his horse Bradley so he can help Becca get back on the horse, so to speak.

And that's it for Season 22 of The Bachelor!

"I cried my eyelashes out"

As usual, the finale is live, and by live, I mean Chris Harrison watches it with us and provides commentary.  As unusual, Rachel is also there to live-watch with us, and she is not too thrilled.  Before we go back to Spain, however, Chris Harrison has some Bachelor Nation news to share with us: Juan Pablo is married!  Chris Harrison informs us that Juan Pablo asked him to inform the viewers, just in case we had forgotten that Juan Pablo is Chris Harrison's least favorite Bachelor.

Anyway, back in Spain, we are still only halfway through Fantasy Suite Week.  Rachel and Peter are at a stand-off: Peter doesn't want to propose and that's literally all Rachel wants.  She offers him the Fantasy Suite card anyway, to you know, "talk" more about this issue.  They "talk," and we get to see them cook eggs and bacon together.  It's cute.

Bryan gets the final fantasy suite date.  They ride horses through vineyards.  They chat and Bryan says the vibe feels off.  It's because Rachel is struggling with Peter's lack of wanting to propose, but she doesn't tell Bryan this.  She instead gives him the Fantasy Suite card, which Bryan barely can read through his eagerness to say yes.  He declares his love for the hundredth time, and then next time we see them, they are eating breakfast in bed after a subtle intro shot of a bee pollinating a flower outside the building.

Now for the Rose Ceremony.  Rachel gives the three remaining suitors a speech about how much she wants a proposal while looking directly at Peter.  She still gives Peter a rose though, after giving one to Bryan.  She says goodbye to Eric, who thanks her for the experience and is clearly bummed, but handles the break up very maturely.  Rachel goes back and toasts to "hard decisions".  We return to the live part of the show, where they bring out Eric to see Rachel for the first time since the scene we just saw.  He looks great and asks how Rachel is and reiterates that it was great to learn how to fall in love and I wouldn't be surprised if that was his audition to be the next Bachelor.

Again, back to Spain, it's time for Bryan's last chance date with Rachel.  They take a hot air balloon and we here lots of voice overs of Bryan idol worshiping Rachel.  He leaves no doubt in her mind where he stands.  In the evening, he gives her "Bryan and Rachel's Spanish Dictionary" which is an actual Spanish dictionary he taped a cover on and inserted a page with "important" words like husband, wife, and forever.

For Peter's last chance date, they go to an old church and get "advice" from a monk.  It's kind of a somber date as they yet again talk about how Peter isn't ready to propose but doesn't want to lose Rachel.  That evening they argue some more until Peter finally says he could compromise to not lose her which  makes Rachel more upset since she wants him to propose because he wants to.  It's really a no win situation since neither really want to compromise.  Peter gets mad and says fine, chose a mediocre life and a proposal over something great and no proposal.  Rachel says she was in a relationship before that seemed to be heading to marriage but it never got there so she just wants a proposal as proof of commitment.  To be fair to Peter, she's comparing him to a guy who took 5 years to get to almost proposing while Peter had barely 3 months.  They are both crying and say goodbye with an "I love you, Rachel" and an "I love you too."  It wasn't really clear what happened until we are back in the live show and bring out Peter.  That was a break-up, I guess.  Peter is still pretty hurt, and Rachel looks uncomfortable.  Peter tries to get closure and Rachel dismisses his feelings and gives a speech basically saying Peter shouldn't be the next Bachelor.

So now we know who wins, but the producers through in a few interviews where Rachel questions if she's rushing into this with Bryan, but no one believes for a minute she might turn down his proposal.  We get the obligatory Neil Lane visit to "sell" Bryan a ring before the final rose ceremony.  Bryan tells Rachel a "chemistry bomb had just exploded" during their first kiss and went on about how she's perfect and he loves her blah blah blah.  Rachel, presumably by Bachelor contract, has a statement prepared that starts out suspenseful before declaring her love.  Bryan proposes; Rachel responds "YES, give it to me;" they kiss and squeal and are engaged.

Back to the live show, Bryan comes out, re-proposes so Rachel can put the ring back on.  Bryan says his mom is thrilled, they say they don't know where they'll live yet, and Chris Harrison offers them another trip to Spain.  We end with a ridiculous teaser for Bachelor in Paradise which looks to be a shit show complete with love triangles, twins, trash-talking, and lots of tears.

The End.

P.S.  If you want to know how I feel about this season, I leave you with this:

"Are there any ocular facts that her and I dated?"

Chris Harrison starts this episode with jokes about extra security due to this particular group of men, as if anyone's forgotten Chad.  He then decides to show a montage of "memorable" MTA moments, mostly of Bachelorettes not taking shit from the men, but also Kaitlyn addressing online bullying and the one season where the villains were just two guys who were super close friends and the other guys were upset that they hung out in a hot tub together.  And the most "memorable" MTA moment, according to ABC, wasn't really a MTA moment but a gimmick where they did a live ultrasound to discover the sex of JP and Ashley's baby.  Then they introduce the men and give a little recap of the season and all its drama.

First drama to revisit: the Blake vs Lucas crap, which thankfully they realized no one wanted to talk about (Adam said Lucas should have said wha-boom once and then "wha-bye") , so we quickly pivot to DeMario.  DeMario decides to double down on his barely know Lexi, said she's a side-chick and demanded someone show him an "ocular fact" proving they were a thing.  No one's really buying it, and he tries to make a Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky parallel which made no sense at all.  Jamey pipes up for some reason and DeMario tells him he's irrelevant (which is true) and then Iggy chimes in so I guess we're addressing him now.  Rather than apologizing for stirring shit up, he also doubles down and says he'd do it all again.  Lucas calls Iggy a joke to which everyone else are like, dude, wha-boom, you of all people can't call someone a joke.

But now for the main event: Kenny and Lee.  Dean says that Kenny was probably the most well-liked guy in the house, and Lee, was, well, not very liked, so that should tell you something.  Dean is very good at saying everything but the word "racist" when talking about Lee.  DeMario says Lee was cool to him before he left, and the other guys said, yeah, they all thought he was cool too until he started antagonizing the black guys.  Kenny said it didn't feel like racism in the moment but more like Lee felt out of his league and was getting defensive and lashing out.  At this point, Chris Harrison calls Kenny up to the hotseat.  Kenny says that the Lee situation got in the way of his and Rachel's developing relationship.  After some more back and forth with Lee, Chris Harrison brings out Kenny's daughter who, when asked if she's proud of her dad, replies "yeah I'm proud of you.  You were like number 8."  Kenny gets choked up and Chris Harrison says they're sending them to Disneyland (which is less impressive when you realize Disney owns ABC).

Lee gets a turn in the hot seat next, and it's pretty clear he planned a sort of apology about not being a considerate friend to the guys in the house, but the guys aren't having it.  Chris Harrison brings up some of Lee's tweet, who claims they were bad jokes or something and he's sorry if he hurt someone, but he's hurt too (?).  This goes on for a while, and eventually they get Lee to denounce that one tweet as racist (which is literally the least he could do) and the guys say they appreciate it and that they'd be happy to help him become a better (ie less racist) person.  It's unclear whether any progress was actually made here with Lee, but Chris Harrison seemed pleased with himself, so there's that.

Next, Dean gets a turn at the hot seat and he is wearing an awful camo-print tux jacket and says how he was glad to have opened a door with his dad and that he still wants to know why Rachel said she was falling in love with him just to send him home.  Rachel comes out to the hot seat, so Dean gets to ask her, and she pretty much gave the same response as before: she was falling for him and sorry.  Chris asks Rachel about DeMario and she says "who?" Lee tries to apologize and Rachel sort of accepts- says she'd be happy to give him a lesson in black history and women's rights and that she hopes he's taken advantage of the opportunity to meet a bunch of great guys who are different than him.  Adam asks if she'd do anything differently, and Rachel said spend more time with him and Matt, to which Matt says, nah, you did the right thing.  Fred gives an incredibly rehearsed speech that started out like he was mad at her for not giving him a chance even though he already had feelings for her but ended with I'm glad you're happy, which was a weird 180.  Kenny tells Rachel she has his number if Peter, Eric, or Bryan don't work out.

Then we get bloopers, which they always heavily promote as the best and are mostly lame.  We did get an interview with Dean where he puts his chewing gum behind his ear, and when his interviewer was like wtf, he puts it back in his mouth and swallows it.  It's weird, yet the ladies still love him.

And that's it for these men!  Well, unless they are on Bachelor in Paradise, in which case they have another shot at embarrassing themselves on national television.

"fake boobs, fake asses, and fake cheeks"

Changing it up this year, Rachel gets a Hometown Date!  Which means her family get to meet three men instead of two.  Rachel springs this on the guys who still think Fantasy Suite Dates are next.  Rachel lets them know her sister is very pregnant and can't travel and not-so-subtly hints they should think about asking her parents for their blessing to marry her.

Meet the Family #1: Peter

Rachel takes Peter to a baby store to pick out gifts for her nephew and soon-to-be nephew.  They are super cute.  They head to Rachel's parent's house and Peter pulls her aside before going in to inform her he is falling in love with her.  Then, inside, he gives a speech to the family about how he came to realize he was falling in love with her.  Peter wins over the entire family.  Rachel is concerned he won't propose.  Rachel's mom likes that Peter won't ask for her blessing until he's 100% sure she's the one.  Rachel's the only one who doesn't think Peter is the best.  We see Peter playing with her dog and nephew and ovaries exploded all over America.

Meet the Family #2: Eric

Eric and Rachel go to Union Tower and drink champagne.  Back at the hotel, Peter tells Bryan he doesn't like talking to Rachel's other boyfriend while her other boyfriend is at her house with her family.  Peter does not make it a secret that he dislikes Bryan, and I am here for that.  Meanwhile, Eric is crushing it with Rachel's family.  He's very honest and talks about his difficult upbringing and acknowledges lack of past serious relationship experience.  He gives a pretty heartfelt speech to Rachel's mom about family and love and gets her blessing when he asks for it.

Meet the Family #3: Bryan

Bryan and Rachel wear there matching watches and he gets to meet some of Rachel's friends.  Rachel tells them she thought he was a douchebag (her words, not mine- though I agree), but that has changed, obviously (for her, not me).  Then Bryan meets the family.  They are skeptical of Bryan and grill him pretty hard.  Rachel gets "low-key annoyed" and they tell her she's reacting emotionally.  Rachel's sister tells Bryan it's a little concerning how profusely he expresses love for Rachel.  He responds by telling her he loves her family, and her sister reminds him he's known them an hour.  Bryan gets the blessing to propose, though, but that's because Rachel's mom trusts Rachel's decisions.

Spain

They go international for the last couple weeks of this journey.  Eric gets the first Fantasy Suite date, and they get a helicopter ride and wander and hike on a beautiful Spanish coastline.  They eat dinner in a castle courtyard where Eric tells Rachel how much she challenges him emotionally and loves her and all that.  He get's the Chris Harrison "you may forgo your individual rooms" card, to which Eric says "that guy is awesome."  They go have sex spend some one on one time away from the cameras, and we next see them getting coffee together in the morning.

Peter gets the second date, and Rachel takes him to a winery where get sang to by the wine maker and are given their own private mini wine cellar.  Rachel says she wants a proposal and Peter says he sees an engagement as guarantee to get married and he only wants to do it once.  It's about to get serious when an adorable little girl comes to lead them to stomp some grapes.  And then make out while stomping grapes.  That evening, they revisit the proposal disagreement and the episode ends with Rachel crying.  But in the previews, they show Peter at the rose ceremony, so one can only assume they make-up enough to take it to the Fantasy Suite.

The most dramatic hometown yet!

Baltimore, MD with Eric

We start on the east coast, where Eric invites Rachel to play some basketball- which she enthusiastically does in heels.  A person of undefined relation to Eric (friend? cousin? brother?) shows up to say hey and Rachel asks when Eric last brought a girl home, despite Eric having told her (and us) like a thousand times he's never brought a girl home.  His friend replies, "uh, prom?"

Then Rachel gets to meet Eric's parents and aunts.  They all warmly welcome Rachel and seem pretty tight knit and caring despite Eric's reportedly difficult upbringing.  Eric has a couple of amazing heart-to-heart chats with his parents, who both acknowledge the difficulty of Eric's childhood and admits they may not have been the best parents, but also let Eric know that they do love him and are very proud of the man he's become.  It's surprisingly real and deep for this show, and for once I actually believe that this show can help people grow.  I mean, when Eric was fighting with Iggy a few weeks ago, I was convinced he wasn't mature enough for Rachel, and now I'm totally Team Eric.

Meanwhile, Rachel talks to Eric's Aunt Verna, who asks about her experience being the first black bachelorette.  Rachel talks about how she feels pressure from both sides and that she's just trying to do the same thing the previous bachelorettes have been able to do without so much judging: and that is being selfish and finding the person she loves, which has nothing to do with color.

Before she leaves, Eric tells Rachel he loves her, and explains that that means he really cares about her and Rachel wishes he didn't explain that.

Miami, FL with Bryan

Rachel is obsessed with Bryan, and is excited to be in a place that screams Bryan.  Apparently Miami is "hot, steamy, sexy, and sometimes speaks to you in Spanish."  They play dominoes, eat food, and dance some salsa before going to meet Bryan's family.  Bryan's mom is obsessed with him.  She gets teary eyed when talking about how "a women that separates him from me would be terrible" and tells Rachel (albeit sort of jokingly) that if Bryan's not happy she'll kill her.  I'm really not surprised the mom was the issue with Bryan's last girlfriend.  When Rachel talks to Bryan's sister (?), she uses the word "demise" a lot when talking about how his last girlfriend didn't mesh with the family, which was a little ominous, but Rachel didn't seem to notice.  Bryan of course says "I love you" and if he doesn't win, it's going to be really hard for whoever does win to watch Rachel be all over Bryan all the time.

Madison, WI with Peter

Peter takes Rachel to a farmers market and then to a bar where she gets to meet some of his friends.  We get to see Peter chat with his bros who tell him "don't fuck it up" because of course they like Rachel, because who doesn't?  Rachel meets Peter's family and we get to see him be adorable with kids, which is encouraging to Rachel.  But then his whole family pretty much tell her that he might not be ready for marriage.  Commitment, sure, but marriage, maybe not.  They kiss goodbye, and Peter doesn't say the L word, which is cause for concern in Bachelor world.

Aspen, CO with Dean

Dean and Rachel ride ATVs for some much needed fun before a very stressful hometown visit.  Dean hasn't talked to his dad in two years, and I wonder why he even agreed to see him for the first time on national television.  But he did, so here we go.  His dad has converted to Sikhism after his mom died so they all sat on the floor and he played his gong.  Rachel, being great in every situation, gamely eats the food and smiles and nods, though Dean looks like he'd rather be literally anyplace in the world besides at his father's house spurning a bowl of mung beans.  Dean's dad sends everyone out so the two can talk, and Dean confronts him about not being there when he needed him most.  It was uncomfortable and didn't really resolve anything except now Dean's feelings are out there which is the first step, right?  Anyway, Rachel tries to talk to his dad, which kind of fails, and then she goes and snuggles with Dean who says he's falling in love with her.

Dallas, TX with a Rose Ceremony

Back in Rachel's hometown, Dean gets sent home, which is sad, but look at that face:

I think he'll be okay

Looks like next week, everyone gets to meet Rachel's family, which should be fun!

Curveball, dude!

This week, we get almost a standard episode: new location (new "great place to fall in love"), some dates, and then at the end of the episode, while we have no rose ceremony, there is no "to be continued" and all of the roses for the week are given out.  To get started, Rachel meets the men at their hotel suite to inform them there will be three 1-on-1 dates and one 3-on-1 date this week with 4 roses to be given out whenever she pleases.  Much to everyone's displeasure, she takes Bryan on the first 1-on-1 date.

Brian gets to drive Rachel off to an expensive watch store in a Bentley.  They drink champagne and try on matching watches with black leather bands to which Bryan says, "I like black" and Rachel goes, "DOooO yOoOUuuu?" and then Bryan attack-kisses her while the poor watch salesman stands by and endures it.  They then drink champagne and ride a boat.  Over dinner, Rachel want to really talk to Bryan and understand why someone so perfect is still single.  She asks about his upbringing, and he tells her how he was sent to an all boys school because he asked for an earring and there's got to be more to that story.  She says she went to private school and Bryan asks her to describe her uniform which creeps me out, but apparently not Rachel.  Next, they talk about Bryan's last relationship and he basically describes his a Rachel's (passionate, hot and heavy in a very short amount of time, met family super soon...).  For some reason, his mom was an issue and the two broke it off.  Rachel doesn't seem to notice any red flags and gives Bryan a rose.

We see the men back at the hotel speculating in pairs about how they want to get a 1-on-1 this week because duh.  Adam wants to be "the broom that sweeps [Rachel] off her feet."  He won't be able to attempt to be a cleaning apparatus quite yet, though, since Dean gets 1-on-1 date number two.

Dean and Rachel go to a Catholic church in old town Geneva to listen to a French service, though it would seem neither of them are Catholic or speak French.  Then they wander around and dance adorably to a street performer.  Rachel keeps trying to get him to open up about his emotions and Dean deflects with mature questions such as "do you believe in the tooth fairy?" and "what's your favorite dinosaur?".  Rachel is frustrated, but luckily they have the evening portion of the date for Dean to redeem himself.  Which he does; he opens up about how he's not sure about Rachel meeting his family since he doesn't have a great relationship with them.  Rachel says she's not looking for a family just like hers and gives him the rose.

Much to Adam and Matt's dismay (because Adam and Matt are people on this show that apparently know Rachel and may in fact have been dating her?), Peter gets the final 1-on-1 date.  Rachel takes Peter in a helicopter to the Alps.  They dog sled and then sit shivering in the snow until they realize they should cuddle for warmth.  Over the course of this date we learn that Peter considered leaving, he's never dated a black girl before, and that his last relationship ending made him really sad.  He clearly gets a rose, which leaves Eric, Adam, and Matt on a brutal 3-on-1 date.

Rachel takes the three remaining bachelors on a boat ride to France where we see her talk to Matt for the first time since his limo entrance probably.  He says he can still picture them together and Rachel kisses him, then cries and tells him how he reminds her of herself and that she wishes things were different but she has to say goodbye.  It's an awful lot of emotion for a guy we've never seen.  He takes his glass of champagne and leaves.

That evening Rachel chats with Adam and Eric.  Adam says a part of him is falling in love with him and that he wants to bring her home.  Eric says she'll be the first girl he brings home and that he hasn't had the best relationship models in his life.  Rachel goes with her guy and gives Eric the rose, which is good because Adam went from "who?" to "ugh you're annoying" incredibly fast in this episode.  He spent his limo exit complaining about how big of a mistake Rachel was making; good riddance.

Next up: hometowns!  And this season looks like it might actually be the most dramatic hometowns ever!

"I'm in wifey mode right now"

Apparently wifey mode means breaking 9 dude's hearts, because that's what happened this week on The Bachelorette.  We started this week in Hilton Head, SC and ended, after a quick jaunt to Norway, in Denmark.  And we ended with a Rose Ceremony!  It's a miracle!  But more on rose ceremonies later.

Week 4, cont.

We start this episode mid-week 4 in Hilton Head, mid-group date.  Lee and Kenny are having a little spat.  Rachel gives Bryan the group date rose and Kenny congratulates him on not being a "bitch-ass dude" and then calls Lee a bunch of names, but mostly "bitch."  The other guys look on sort of uncomfortably, but mostly amused.

Next up is the most awkward 1 on 1 date ever with Jack Stone.  Jack is convinced he's falling in love with Rachel, and Rachel is just dodging kisses left and right.  Long story short, he gets sent home.  Back at the mansion, Will is giving Lee a lesson on race relations re: the word aggressive and it's use in profiling black men.  Lee doesn't really get it, but good on Will for opening up a conversation.

In normal Bachelor fashion around this time in a season, Rachel cancels a cocktail party and goes straight for the rose ceremony.  There's an attempt to make it dramatic, but after eight previews promising a Kenny-Lee 2 on 1 date, there's zero suspense.  Iggy and Jonathan go home, but not after Jonathan tickles Rachel one last time, which gets a laugh and applause from the rest of the guys.

Week 5

The gang heads to Norway where they meet Rachel in a bar so she can whisk Bryan away to make-out first while rappelling down a giant ski jump and then at dinner where they sit in front of untouched food and Bryan tells her he's falling in love.  Shocking no one, Bryan gets the rose.  The group date this week is a bit more entertaining.  Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Josiah, and Eric get to play handball in leotards, which, if you were wondering, is not the uniform of choice for actual handball players.  In the evening, Rachel gets read a love letter from Alex, a Prince lyrics embroidered purple scarf from Matt, and an allegedly three hour hot tub session with Peter.  Will gets the rose and Peter starts second guessing his connection with Rachel apparently forgetting that she was literally just straddling him in a hot tub and he has nothing to worry about.

Now for the dreaded two on one date with Kenny and Lee.  We see Lee getting ready by lifting weights and polishing his cowboy boots.  We get to see Kenny facetime with his adorable daughter and he cries and she tells him to have a great date.  It is beyond adorable and I would totally watch a show where Kenny's daughter helps him find love.  No one likes Lee, but everyone is worried Kenny will ruin his chances by letting Lee get into his head.  The date is not really a date- they go to some remote Norwegian forest where Rachel talks to each of them individually, Lee lies about Kenny being violent, and then we get like three minutes of Kenny walking back to confront Lee before another To Be Continued graces our screen.  Luckily, there is only one day to wait before we see Rachel tell Lee she doesn't trust him and she and Kenny helicopter off.  But not before Kenny yells at Lee one more time.  Rachel's evening with Kenny goes well, and he gets the rose.

Again, there is no cocktail party, and Rachel sends Anthony and Josiah home at the rose ceremony.

Week 6

Not travelling too far, Rachel takes the remaining nine suitors to Denmark where Eric gets the first one on one date.  They drink champagne, they hot tub, they talk about past relationships.  It's a pretty standard one on one, and he gets the rose.

For the group date, Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter, and Adam get to play Viking.  And by play Viking, I mean row a viking ship and then fight each other.  Kenny and Adam both get hit pretty badly in the face, which explains all of the previews where they insinuate Lee gave Kenny a bloody eye.  In the evening, Rachel kisses everyone and sends Kenny home.  It was a way more mutual get-sent-home than usual, especially at this stage.  Kenny doesn't feel sure about this whole situation and being away from his daughter is hard.  Rachel doesn't see Kenny at the end, so they decide it's best he go home.  For the third time, we see Kenny cry on the phone with his daughter.  Anyway, Peter gets the group date rose to end the evening.

Will gets the second one on one date in which they go sightseeing in Sweden and talk to an old Swedish couple about relationships.  Rachel's feeling only friendship toward Will, though, so he goes home.  With two guys down already this week, the rose ceremony is short and only Alex gets sent home.  Inexplicably, we see Matt and Adam still around despite having seen no interactions they have with Rachel.

"an alternative facts piece of garbage"

Yet again, we start this episode mid-rose ceremony.
In Summary:

• Lee gives us a classic villain moment with a "I'm not here to make friends"
• Dean explains to us the conflicts in the house by strongly implying that Lee is racist
• Kenny yells at Lee
• Rachel gets emotional
• Chris Harrison: "Good going, guys, Rachel is upset and we're going straight to the rose ceremony"
• Rachel sends two guys I couldn't remember existing and Diggy, with the great glasses game and a stellar bowtie, home.

And it's time to leave LA!  Rachel and her 15 boyfriends head to Hilton Head Island in South Carolina.  Dean gets the first one on one date, and he and Rachel get to take a ride in the Goodyear Blimp.  Of course Dean has a fear of heights, but overcomes it for Rachel, even taking a turn driving the Blimp.  They pass by the hotel where the rest of the guys are conveniently hanging out on the balcony, and the Blimp flashes the words "Rachel and Dean are in here" and "Rachel and Dean 4 ever."  Bryan pouts because Dean is 11 year younger than him and is afraid that's what Rachel wants.

In the evening portion of the date, Rachel and Dean sit under a tree amongst a whole lot of handing lights.  Dean shares a sad story of how his mom died of cancer when he was 15 and that his family sort of fell apart in the aftermath.  As a reward for being vulnerable, Rachel takes Dean to a typical bachelor concert where they stand on a platform while a crowd watches them and some b-list country singer croons.

For the group date this week, all of the guys except Dean and Jack Stone go on a boat ride with Rachel.  They have a freestyle rap battle, a push-up contest, and drink a lot.  Peter does the Titanic (I'm king of the world) bit, Rachel has a captains hat, and Josiah boasts about how great he is.  They dock only to find they are all participating in a Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee hosted by Chris Harrison and judged by some 10 year old girls.  It's vaguely entertaining and Josiah wins, only because he is given the word "stunning" while Anthony in second place had to attempt "boutonniere."    He gets a trophy that reads "Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee Champions" which he later drinks alcohol out of.

That evening we find out that Iggy still just wants to incite drama, this time with Josiah and not Eric.  Iggy and Josiah's fight seems pretty tame however, as Lee is determined to get Kenny riled up.  Kenny and Lee go outside to presumably have another heated argument.  I say presumably as we don't get to see what happens for it's time for another To Be Continued to appear on screen.