"The race is on for Arie's heart!"

Arie begins "the most important race of [his] life" in the Season 22 premiere of The Bachelor.  But not before getting a quick recap of every time he kissed Emily how his heart got broken by Emily (Season 8 lead of The Bachelorette; 5 years ago).  Sean (Emily's 3rd place dude after Arie and Jef with one f, Season 17 lead of The Bachelor) and Catherine (winner of Season 17 of The Bachelor), along with their adorable son Samuel pay Arie a visit.  Sean is the last successful Bachelor, and I think ABC wanted to remind us that this show worked one time, damnit.  Sean and Arie are also good friends, but whatever.  Arie is 36 and "mature", and Sean gives advice the last four Bachelors apparently didn't heed, so lets get on to the good stuff: the 29 dramatic women who are going to make this season the train-wreck of a show that we love.

We get a few intro videos.  This is what I learned:

• Chelsea is a single mom.
• Caroline is in real estate and she's, like, "really good at [her] job."
• Maquel likes taking wedding photos and and remembers liking Arie when she watched him on Emily's season when she was like 12.  Ok, she was 18, but he was 31 then.
• Nysha tried to make a metaphor about how she just went skydiving and she's ready to make another 18 thousand foot drop (falling in love is apparently equivalent to 18 thousand feet).
• Next I thought they had goofed and were just playing Raven's (from Nick's season (21) of The Bachelor) intro package, but then Raven showed up, and I learned that Tia is also a person who exists.  Tia is also from a place called Wiener, AK, which will come up later.
• Kendall collects taxidermy and plays the ukulele and serenades her taxidermy with her ukulele.
• Bekah M is a nanny, but wants you to know she's edgy because she rock climbs without a bra.
• Marikh owns an Indian restaurant with her mom, which is code for "my parents own an Indian restaurant and I just work there until I become Instagram famous."
• Krystal is an online fitness coach who also makes sandwiches for the homeless.

Time for the Limo entrances!  Arie rolls up first and good old Chris Harrison grills him about not finding love in the last five years.  Then come the women.

1. Caroline comes out first with a realtor pun (for as we now know, while Arie is still a race car driver, he now practices real estate).  She hopes they are "both off the market" at the end of this show.
2. Chelsea is a little odd, but Arie says "She's interesting."
3. Kendall is super nervous and, so, a little awkward.
4. Sienne gives Arie elephant (her favorite animal) cuff links for good luck.
5. Tia gives Arie a small plastic penis and says, "hopefully you don't already have a little wiener."  Arie is somehow composed enough to say, "no, I don't already have one of these."
6. Bibiana tells Arie "you have my heart racing," because, you know, race cars.
7. Bri tosses a softball at Arie and for some reason does not tell him he's a great catch.
8. Jenny introduces herself.
9. Brittane J comments that "everyone knows you're not supposed to put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari, but why not an Arie?"  She proceeds to put a bumper sticker on Arie's butt, which says, "Nice Butt."
10. Jaqueline says something unmemorable.
11. Krystal has Arie close his eyes and reflect on how blessed he is.
12. Nysha exits the limosine next.
13. Valerie has purply-red hair and a bright yellow dress, which is bold, but not my favorite look.
14. Bekah M pulls up in a '65 Mustang and tells Arie, "I may be young, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate something classic." (the girls in the house are impressed/jealous, and Chelsea shit talks the choice of entrance).
15. Jenna is happy with her life but just needs a partner to take over the world with.
16. Jessica gives Arie a "gratitude rock."
17. Marikh tells Arie about how she uses a lot of spices in her work, but is ready for some salt and pepper.
18. Olivia brings up Emily's season.
19. Becca K has Arie kneel down and ask her if he's "ready to do the damn thing."
20. Lauren S shows up.
21. Lauren J gives Arie the biggest Mardi Gras beads I've ever seen.
22. Lauren B introduces herself, and inside the rest of the women are straight up losing their shit about how many Laurens there are.
23. Lauren G tells Arie she's one more from the Lauren Limo.
24. Ashley has a checkered race car flag and "hope[s she] finish[es] last."
25. Brittany T very unsuccessfully says "you're handsome" in Dutch.
26. Amber tells Arie she sees a lot of dicks in her line of work as a spray tan shop owner, but hopes he's not one.
27. Ali has Arie smell her armpit and asks him if that was the "best pit stop of [his] life."
28. Annaliese is wearing a mask and has a money bag with lips instead of dollar signs- she is the Kissing Bandit (a reference to Arie's nickname on Emily's season).
29. Maquel pulls up in the back of a race car and pulls off the helmet just whipping her long blonde hair around.  Other girls are like "DAMN,"  except Chelsea, who bad-mouths Maquel and is apparently determined to make everyone hate her.

We get a montage of women commenting on how good looking Arie is and how he still has hair and stuff, before he enters, gives a toast, and is whisked away by Chelsea, much to everyone's chagrin.  Not to worry, Maquel interrupts, and Chelsea proceeds to whine about it incessantly.  The other girls take turns stealing Arie away to feed him pizza (Caroline) and pineapple (which is Lauren G's safe word, too, apparently), massage his feet (Jenna, who is a bewildering human being), sing him a song (Kendall and her uke), race toy cars and win the first kiss (Brittany T), give him a drawing (Jenny), tell him her dad met him and is dead so now they must be wed (Jessica), and ask a "deep" question that she had prepared her own "deep" answers for (Bekah M).  Chelsea steals Arie a second time to make-out with him, which is a textbook Bachelor Villain move.  But it also wins her the First Impression Rose, as if she had any chance for the other girls to like her.

The Rose Ceremony occurs, and Arie sends home Ali (I mean, the girl had Arie smell her armpit - even a racing pun wasn't going to save her), Amber "I see a lot of dicks", Bri (probably because she acted surprised that Arie could catch a softball), Brittane "Nice Butt" J, Jessica (who might be the first person sent home right after telling the lead a sob story), Lauren J (one down, three to go), and Nysha & Olivia (since we can't have too much diversity, now can we).

The season preview included lots of crying, lots of kissing, and *gasp* someone's ex!

The race is on!