"an alternative facts piece of garbage"

Yet again, we start this episode mid-rose ceremony.
In Summary:

• Lee gives us a classic villain moment with a "I'm not here to make friends"
• Dean explains to us the conflicts in the house by strongly implying that Lee is racist
• Kenny yells at Lee
• Rachel gets emotional
• Chris Harrison: "Good going, guys, Rachel is upset and we're going straight to the rose ceremony"
• Rachel sends two guys I couldn't remember existing and Diggy, with the great glasses game and a stellar bowtie, home.

And it's time to leave LA!  Rachel and her 15 boyfriends head to Hilton Head Island in South Carolina.  Dean gets the first one on one date, and he and Rachel get to take a ride in the Goodyear Blimp.  Of course Dean has a fear of heights, but overcomes it for Rachel, even taking a turn driving the Blimp.  They pass by the hotel where the rest of the guys are conveniently hanging out on the balcony, and the Blimp flashes the words "Rachel and Dean are in here" and "Rachel and Dean 4 ever."  Bryan pouts because Dean is 11 year younger than him and is afraid that's what Rachel wants.

In the evening portion of the date, Rachel and Dean sit under a tree amongst a whole lot of handing lights.  Dean shares a sad story of how his mom died of cancer when he was 15 and that his family sort of fell apart in the aftermath.  As a reward for being vulnerable, Rachel takes Dean to a typical bachelor concert where they stand on a platform while a crowd watches them and some b-list country singer croons.

For the group date this week, all of the guys except Dean and Jack Stone go on a boat ride with Rachel.  They have a freestyle rap battle, a push-up contest, and drink a lot.  Peter does the Titanic (I'm king of the world) bit, Rachel has a captains hat, and Josiah boasts about how great he is.  They dock only to find they are all participating in a Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee hosted by Chris Harrison and judged by some 10 year old girls.  It's vaguely entertaining and Josiah wins, only because he is given the word "stunning" while Anthony in second place had to attempt "boutonniere."    He gets a trophy that reads "Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee Champions" which he later drinks alcohol out of.

That evening we find out that Iggy still just wants to incite drama, this time with Josiah and not Eric.  Iggy and Josiah's fight seems pretty tame however, as Lee is determined to get Kenny riled up.  Kenny and Lee go outside to presumably have another heated argument.  I say presumably as we don't get to see what happens for it's time for another To Be Continued to appear on screen.

"A Beautiful Disaster Story"

"Chad somehow stuck around," laments one dude as the cameras pan around at empty glasses, plates of meat, and trash that I wonder if the guys have to clean up.  If you thought last week's episode featured a ridiculous amount of The Chad, then hold on tight, because the next two are going full on Chad.

Let's get the first one-on-one date out of the way: Chase.  Chase and JoJo go to the weirdest couples yoga class and do things like "angergasms" and "yubyums."  It's incredibly awkward, but they end up making out, so good for Chase.  In the evening portion, Chase tells JoJo about how his parents are divorced and he never wants that for himself.  "I don't want to rush into things because I only want to get married once so I came on this show where I might get engaged after spending approximately 48 hours with a girl who's dating some other dudes the whole time," says Chase (I'm paraphrasing).  JoJo gives him the rose and they attend a private concert of some band I've never heard of.

And it's Chad time!  Back at the mansion, when Chad isn't working out, he's eating meat and figuring out how much protein he's intaking.  Evan says Chad's enormous muscles make him look like a cartoon character.  I'm thinking a bearded Gaston.  The group data card arrives and it's Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and *dramatic pause* Chad.  Chad straight up says he doesn't want to go on a date with so many other guys, and the rest of the guys completely jump down his throat.  Chad's calling everyone names and says he'll just chill here and get alone time with JoJo later and Jordan says hey, it's a group date so there's probably a competition so "whatever team Chad's on should hope it's bench press and not a spelling bee."  The other guys love that but Chad tells Jordan he's just a failed pigskin thrower and Alex decides to tell Chad he's not afraid of him so Chad tells him he needs more tattoos to be a badass.  Needless to say, tempers are running a bit hot going into this date.

The date itself is pretty uncomfortable for the guys: they have to tell a room full of people a personal story about sex.  Chad is angrily sulking because he doesn't think his sex life is any of JoJo's business yet.  Evan, the erectile dysfunction expert, is all about this date.  Daniel gets asked his favorite bodily fluid and he responds "poo," and why is he still here?  Anyway, we see a montage of the stories, and I guess it's pretty entertaining, though we don't really get to hear the full stories.  Then Evan comes up and does a "PSA" about the effects of steroids that is so clearly a dis on Chad.  When returning to his seat, there's a "weird altercation" and Chad ends up ripping Evan's shirt.  Chad is the grand finale and asks for a volunteer, JoJo, to come on stage.  He says something dumb about how his sex life is in the past and this show is about the future and tries to kiss JoJo.  She turns her head and the guys are thrilled.  Alex gives a standing ovation.

They head back stage where Alex is giving out chest bumps and everyone is Team Evan.  Chad punches a door so hard he's bleeding.  He then begins his new favorite pastime of threatening people, starting with Evan.

"If I can't lift weights, I'm going to murder someone."

Evening time and all the bros AND JoJo are wearing leather jackets.  JoJo talks to some guys, but the real show is Chad hovering around making everyone nervous.  Evan asks Chad why he's there and says he owes him an apology.  Chad tells Evan to stop being a bully and stay the fuck away from him.  Chad finally gets to talk to JoJo, who is concerned.  He goes into a speech about how the other guys think he's a bully, so they're bullying him for being a bully?  It's unclear, but we don't get much clarification since Evan swoops in to steal JoJo.  Chad mumbles angrily away.  Evan gives JoJo an ultimatum: "I'm not going to stay here if [Chad] stays here."

Time for the group date rose, and JoJo gives it to Evan.  JoJo tells the guys this is always such a hard decision and Chad looks on in disbelief.  "Is this real?  Is this a real scenario right now?"  No and Yes, Chad.  JoJo probably was urged to choose Evan to create more Chad drama, so it's probably not all that real since does anyone see Evan winning this thing?  But, yes, Chad, this is a real scenario on this show.  Also, the guys have requested security guards in the house.

Next we get a quick break from The Chad Story for a date with James Taylor.  JoJo and James Taylor are done up to look like they're in the '50s and learn how to swing dance from an old lady.  It's adorable, and when they leave, they are swept up in a swing dance flash mob.  James Taylor is an awful dancer, but tries so hard.  Later that evening he tells JoJo how he was kind of a dork growing up, sings her a song he wrote, and he gets the rose and a kiss.

And now we have my favorite conversation of the night: Daniel trying to unfriend Chad.
Daniel decides to start with, "Let's pretend you're Hitler."
"Let's not pretend I'm Hitler" - a fair response from Chad.
Daniel tries to think of someone else to compare him with and comes up with Mussolini, Trump, and Bush, so I'm sure Chad is going to take into consideration what Daniel is trying to say.

It's almost time for the cocktail party, but here comes Chris Harrison, so just kidding!  He is here to inform the men that there will be a pool party instead of the cocktail party.  Evan chases Chris Harrison outside to express his Chad concerns.  Chris Harrison has a little chat with Chad and suggests maybe he should do something about his impact on the house.

Chad walks back into the house while the rest of the men look nervous.

Fade to Black.

TO BE CONTINUED (aka the worst ending this show can have, and I have a feeling this is just the beginning).

Villains Gotta Vill Part II

Feeling lost without another Bachelor Franchise show until January?  You can always read Chris Harrison's romance novel, The Perfect Letter,  Or, for something shorter and more absurd, head on over to Villains Gotta Vill.  Even Kaitlyn wants it to stop, but the villaining goes on, thanks to Clint and JJ.  Perhaps this is what happens when you're unemployed 32 year old living with your parents and have a very encouraging (and weirdly artistic) partner in crime.

Random villain-related side note:  Nick V.'s twitter handle, @viallnicholas28, looks like he's just calling himself a villain, albeit a dyslexic one.

If you're looking for a gift for me, look no further

"But that's lust."

This week we got a double dose of Ashleys, the most dramatic break-up in Bachelorette history, NO rose ceremony, and Hurricane Nick!

To recap, Kaitlyn sees though Clint's attempts at "charm" just so he can keep hanging out with his "best best best friend" with whom he's become "very very very close" and asks him to leave.  JJ has a jerk move and they JJ and Clint fight while standing very, very, very close to each other.  With a "hey that tie goes really well with your shirt," Clint is gone and JJ cries in the bushes and slaps himself in the face before rejoining the other men.  Kaitlyn refills her wine and decides not to have a rose ceremony.

"New York is definitely a place I could see myself falling in love"

We're out of Bachelor Mansion and in NYC!  As we know from last season, Kaitlyn loves to rap even though she's absolutely horrendous at it.  The guys have a rap battle and are equally as terrible at rapping as she is, so hey, maybe Kaitlyn's husband is in this group of guys after all.  Sharleen, Nick V., and Ashley I. are all in attendance for some reason, which brings us to The Nick Situation.

Nick came to New York to meet Kaitlyn because they've been tweeting and texting each other.  Kaitlyn asks "why now?" which is a good question, seeing as if the show's history is any indication, she'll be single in a couple of months after the finale anyway and couldn't you have just waited?  Not if Nick and the producers have anything to say about it!  I mean, all the interesting (i.e. dramatic/weird/crazy/confrontational) men are gone and they need a villain, and, you know, villains gotta Viall.

For some reason, Kaitlyn has to consult the guys on what they think about throwing a new guy into the mix. Obviously everyone hates the idea, and Tanner reveals that he actually does watch this show by catching up the guys on Nick's role on Andi's season and how he confronted her about "making love" with him when she wasn't in love with him and how he's generally a terrible person.  Kaitlyn feels like she's in a tough situation, so goes outside, makes out with Nick, and then gives the group date rose to the only guy who supported her decision to consider inviting Nick on.

Kaitlyn wastes no time in catching Nick up to what's been happening this season.

The rest of the show is overshadowed by the Nick Situation.  Jared gets a glamorous one-on-one date with Kaitlyn and writes her a poem which is predictably as bad as all other poetry to have come out of this show.

Next group date, five guys show that they can't sing or dance or act and Kaitlyn and Cupcake Chris get to appear for like 2 seconds in Aladdin on Broadway.  Meanwhile, the rest of the guys are still fuming about Nick.

Much as I dislike Nick, Kaitlyn clearly has more chemistry with him than any of the other men.  She was ridiculously giddy when he showed up.  Or maybe, as Ashley S. notes, it's just lust.  Whatever it is, it's better TV than Ben H. and Joe sulking about losing the Broadway date or Kaitlyn and Chris admiring THE BALL.

Lastly, instead of a rose ceremony, we get 5 minutes of elevator music with a weird attendant watching Nick as he moves in with another group of men who will hate him.  Also Britt and Brady are still running around on beaches together and I still don't care.

"Villains gotta vill"

First off, I'm not a fan of their new format of rose ceremony at the beginning, cliffhanger at the end.  I like a little closure each week!  Also, the rose ceremonies are more bearable once I've had more wine.

But onto the show: first off, in a not so dramatic rose ceremony, Kaitlyn sent home Edward Norton and a blond guy after telling Kupah to leave, again, which he did, but not without some Fireball for the road.

JJ apparently never sees the sun.

The first group date was sumo wrestling, so more guys can literally fight for Kaitlyn.  It was ridiculous and the other guys got to watch/laugh.  Tony "eyes of a child, heart of a warrior, soul of a gypsy" had a huge problem with the date.  Violence and being primal is not his thing, and he ranted about peace and love and going to the zoo.  He had some good points, but real dates don't make good TV and has he even seen this show before?  No one cares how the contestants feel (remember last season when the girls had to race tractors downtown LA in bikinis?  This show may be sexist, but at least it's equally bad to both sexes? or something?).  The zoo would make a nice date, Tony, but Kaitlyn is afraid of birds, so that's not going to happen.  Anyway, Kaitlyn liked the date, so maybe Tony's just not a good fit for her.  Plus his bonsai trees really wanted him back home.  The other guys didn't have any problem being MEN and slamming into each other wearing thong diapers (which were totally NOT sexy, Kaitlyn).

Onto the one-on-one!  Chris Harrison planned the most terrifying date ever: lock Kaitlyn and Ben Z. in a haunted room and make them search for clues to get out.  Kaitlyn was acting like a complete wimp, which to be fair, is exactly how I would act in a situation like that.  They got out and we learned Ben Z. is a total "babe soda" with a tragic dead mom story and everyone loves him.

A single dude who has never been in love is probably not the best person to teach you how tampons work.

For the second group date, a bunch of 20-something men teach children sex ed!  They are hilariously awkward and the kids overreact to everything.  Other Ben does a cute lesson on creating a child that is not really accurate, but wins points with Kaitlyn, so everyone overlooks it.  These kids learned nothing.  And to the folks saying how wildly inappropriate that all was: yeah kids shouldn't learn sex ed from some dudes on a reality tv show, but sex ed is really important and maybe teaching kids about their bodies/sex/safe sex/etc might help with some of our problems with teen pregnancy/stds/rape/generally kids making bad decisions.  Knowledge is power, guys!  Also, what was with all of the bleeping out words?  I'm sure those guys weren't cursing at the kids.  And the black bar with the tampon demonstration?  Seriously?  Is America not ready for periods?

Moving forward, Kaitlyn spends some time with the guys and is concerned that Joshua isn't moving fast enough in their relationship.  But wasn't Kaitlyn's big thing last season not opening up right away?  I think she just wants to make-out with everyone. Then she goes on about how hot Jared is with a black eye, which is a little concerning.  And she's impressed that Jared's "comfortable with his sexuality."  I mean, it's a tough world out there for straight, cis, white men, so that really sets him apart.

BBFs (best bros forevah)

So Clint turns out to be there for the wrong reasons.  We get to see a lovely montage of Clint and JJ's budding bromance (They both like turtles!).  To be fair, their friendship will probably last longer than the relationship Kaitlyn gets out of this show.  And shouldn't we be glad they found each other in that sea of JV croquet players?

Tune in next week when "Clint is gonna go down in flames" (dramatic, much, Kaitlyn?).