"I cried my eyelashes out"

As usual, the finale is live, and by live, I mean Chris Harrison watches it with us and provides commentary.  As unusual, Rachel is also there to live-watch with us, and she is not too thrilled.  Before we go back to Spain, however, Chris Harrison has some Bachelor Nation news to share with us: Juan Pablo is married!  Chris Harrison informs us that Juan Pablo asked him to inform the viewers, just in case we had forgotten that Juan Pablo is Chris Harrison's least favorite Bachelor.

Anyway, back in Spain, we are still only halfway through Fantasy Suite Week.  Rachel and Peter are at a stand-off: Peter doesn't want to propose and that's literally all Rachel wants.  She offers him the Fantasy Suite card anyway, to you know, "talk" more about this issue.  They "talk," and we get to see them cook eggs and bacon together.  It's cute.

Bryan gets the final fantasy suite date.  They ride horses through vineyards.  They chat and Bryan says the vibe feels off.  It's because Rachel is struggling with Peter's lack of wanting to propose, but she doesn't tell Bryan this.  She instead gives him the Fantasy Suite card, which Bryan barely can read through his eagerness to say yes.  He declares his love for the hundredth time, and then next time we see them, they are eating breakfast in bed after a subtle intro shot of a bee pollinating a flower outside the building.

Now for the Rose Ceremony.  Rachel gives the three remaining suitors a speech about how much she wants a proposal while looking directly at Peter.  She still gives Peter a rose though, after giving one to Bryan.  She says goodbye to Eric, who thanks her for the experience and is clearly bummed, but handles the break up very maturely.  Rachel goes back and toasts to "hard decisions".  We return to the live part of the show, where they bring out Eric to see Rachel for the first time since the scene we just saw.  He looks great and asks how Rachel is and reiterates that it was great to learn how to fall in love and I wouldn't be surprised if that was his audition to be the next Bachelor.

Again, back to Spain, it's time for Bryan's last chance date with Rachel.  They take a hot air balloon and we here lots of voice overs of Bryan idol worshiping Rachel.  He leaves no doubt in her mind where he stands.  In the evening, he gives her "Bryan and Rachel's Spanish Dictionary" which is an actual Spanish dictionary he taped a cover on and inserted a page with "important" words like husband, wife, and forever.

For Peter's last chance date, they go to an old church and get "advice" from a monk.  It's kind of a somber date as they yet again talk about how Peter isn't ready to propose but doesn't want to lose Rachel.  That evening they argue some more until Peter finally says he could compromise to not lose her which  makes Rachel more upset since she wants him to propose because he wants to.  It's really a no win situation since neither really want to compromise.  Peter gets mad and says fine, chose a mediocre life and a proposal over something great and no proposal.  Rachel says she was in a relationship before that seemed to be heading to marriage but it never got there so she just wants a proposal as proof of commitment.  To be fair to Peter, she's comparing him to a guy who took 5 years to get to almost proposing while Peter had barely 3 months.  They are both crying and say goodbye with an "I love you, Rachel" and an "I love you too."  It wasn't really clear what happened until we are back in the live show and bring out Peter.  That was a break-up, I guess.  Peter is still pretty hurt, and Rachel looks uncomfortable.  Peter tries to get closure and Rachel dismisses his feelings and gives a speech basically saying Peter shouldn't be the next Bachelor.

So now we know who wins, but the producers through in a few interviews where Rachel questions if she's rushing into this with Bryan, but no one believes for a minute she might turn down his proposal.  We get the obligatory Neil Lane visit to "sell" Bryan a ring before the final rose ceremony.  Bryan tells Rachel a "chemistry bomb had just exploded" during their first kiss and went on about how she's perfect and he loves her blah blah blah.  Rachel, presumably by Bachelor contract, has a statement prepared that starts out suspenseful before declaring her love.  Bryan proposes; Rachel responds "YES, give it to me;" they kiss and squeal and are engaged.

Back to the live show, Bryan comes out, re-proposes so Rachel can put the ring back on.  Bryan says his mom is thrilled, they say they don't know where they'll live yet, and Chris Harrison offers them another trip to Spain.  We end with a ridiculous teaser for Bachelor in Paradise which looks to be a shit show complete with love triangles, twins, trash-talking, and lots of tears.

The End.

P.S.  If you want to know how I feel about this season, I leave you with this:

"fake boobs, fake asses, and fake cheeks"

Changing it up this year, Rachel gets a Hometown Date!  Which means her family get to meet three men instead of two.  Rachel springs this on the guys who still think Fantasy Suite Dates are next.  Rachel lets them know her sister is very pregnant and can't travel and not-so-subtly hints they should think about asking her parents for their blessing to marry her.

Meet the Family #1: Peter

Rachel takes Peter to a baby store to pick out gifts for her nephew and soon-to-be nephew.  They are super cute.  They head to Rachel's parent's house and Peter pulls her aside before going in to inform her he is falling in love with her.  Then, inside, he gives a speech to the family about how he came to realize he was falling in love with her.  Peter wins over the entire family.  Rachel is concerned he won't propose.  Rachel's mom likes that Peter won't ask for her blessing until he's 100% sure she's the one.  Rachel's the only one who doesn't think Peter is the best.  We see Peter playing with her dog and nephew and ovaries exploded all over America.

Meet the Family #2: Eric

Eric and Rachel go to Union Tower and drink champagne.  Back at the hotel, Peter tells Bryan he doesn't like talking to Rachel's other boyfriend while her other boyfriend is at her house with her family.  Peter does not make it a secret that he dislikes Bryan, and I am here for that.  Meanwhile, Eric is crushing it with Rachel's family.  He's very honest and talks about his difficult upbringing and acknowledges lack of past serious relationship experience.  He gives a pretty heartfelt speech to Rachel's mom about family and love and gets her blessing when he asks for it.

Meet the Family #3: Bryan

Bryan and Rachel wear there matching watches and he gets to meet some of Rachel's friends.  Rachel tells them she thought he was a douchebag (her words, not mine- though I agree), but that has changed, obviously (for her, not me).  Then Bryan meets the family.  They are skeptical of Bryan and grill him pretty hard.  Rachel gets "low-key annoyed" and they tell her she's reacting emotionally.  Rachel's sister tells Bryan it's a little concerning how profusely he expresses love for Rachel.  He responds by telling her he loves her family, and her sister reminds him he's known them an hour.  Bryan gets the blessing to propose, though, but that's because Rachel's mom trusts Rachel's decisions.

Spain

They go international for the last couple weeks of this journey.  Eric gets the first Fantasy Suite date, and they get a helicopter ride and wander and hike on a beautiful Spanish coastline.  They eat dinner in a castle courtyard where Eric tells Rachel how much she challenges him emotionally and loves her and all that.  He get's the Chris Harrison "you may forgo your individual rooms" card, to which Eric says "that guy is awesome."  They go have sex spend some one on one time away from the cameras, and we next see them getting coffee together in the morning.

Peter gets the second date, and Rachel takes him to a winery where get sang to by the wine maker and are given their own private mini wine cellar.  Rachel says she wants a proposal and Peter says he sees an engagement as guarantee to get married and he only wants to do it once.  It's about to get serious when an adorable little girl comes to lead them to stomp some grapes.  And then make out while stomping grapes.  That evening, they revisit the proposal disagreement and the episode ends with Rachel crying.  But in the previews, they show Peter at the rose ceremony, so one can only assume they make-up enough to take it to the Fantasy Suite.

The most dramatic hometown yet!

Baltimore, MD with Eric

We start on the east coast, where Eric invites Rachel to play some basketball- which she enthusiastically does in heels.  A person of undefined relation to Eric (friend? cousin? brother?) shows up to say hey and Rachel asks when Eric last brought a girl home, despite Eric having told her (and us) like a thousand times he's never brought a girl home.  His friend replies, "uh, prom?"

Then Rachel gets to meet Eric's parents and aunts.  They all warmly welcome Rachel and seem pretty tight knit and caring despite Eric's reportedly difficult upbringing.  Eric has a couple of amazing heart-to-heart chats with his parents, who both acknowledge the difficulty of Eric's childhood and admits they may not have been the best parents, but also let Eric know that they do love him and are very proud of the man he's become.  It's surprisingly real and deep for this show, and for once I actually believe that this show can help people grow.  I mean, when Eric was fighting with Iggy a few weeks ago, I was convinced he wasn't mature enough for Rachel, and now I'm totally Team Eric.

Meanwhile, Rachel talks to Eric's Aunt Verna, who asks about her experience being the first black bachelorette.  Rachel talks about how she feels pressure from both sides and that she's just trying to do the same thing the previous bachelorettes have been able to do without so much judging: and that is being selfish and finding the person she loves, which has nothing to do with color.

Before she leaves, Eric tells Rachel he loves her, and explains that that means he really cares about her and Rachel wishes he didn't explain that.

Miami, FL with Bryan

Rachel is obsessed with Bryan, and is excited to be in a place that screams Bryan.  Apparently Miami is "hot, steamy, sexy, and sometimes speaks to you in Spanish."  They play dominoes, eat food, and dance some salsa before going to meet Bryan's family.  Bryan's mom is obsessed with him.  She gets teary eyed when talking about how "a women that separates him from me would be terrible" and tells Rachel (albeit sort of jokingly) that if Bryan's not happy she'll kill her.  I'm really not surprised the mom was the issue with Bryan's last girlfriend.  When Rachel talks to Bryan's sister (?), she uses the word "demise" a lot when talking about how his last girlfriend didn't mesh with the family, which was a little ominous, but Rachel didn't seem to notice.  Bryan of course says "I love you" and if he doesn't win, it's going to be really hard for whoever does win to watch Rachel be all over Bryan all the time.

Madison, WI with Peter

Peter takes Rachel to a farmers market and then to a bar where she gets to meet some of his friends.  We get to see Peter chat with his bros who tell him "don't fuck it up" because of course they like Rachel, because who doesn't?  Rachel meets Peter's family and we get to see him be adorable with kids, which is encouraging to Rachel.  But then his whole family pretty much tell her that he might not be ready for marriage.  Commitment, sure, but marriage, maybe not.  They kiss goodbye, and Peter doesn't say the L word, which is cause for concern in Bachelor world.

Aspen, CO with Dean

Dean and Rachel ride ATVs for some much needed fun before a very stressful hometown visit.  Dean hasn't talked to his dad in two years, and I wonder why he even agreed to see him for the first time on national television.  But he did, so here we go.  His dad has converted to Sikhism after his mom died so they all sat on the floor and he played his gong.  Rachel, being great in every situation, gamely eats the food and smiles and nods, though Dean looks like he'd rather be literally anyplace in the world besides at his father's house spurning a bowl of mung beans.  Dean's dad sends everyone out so the two can talk, and Dean confronts him about not being there when he needed him most.  It was uncomfortable and didn't really resolve anything except now Dean's feelings are out there which is the first step, right?  Anyway, Rachel tries to talk to his dad, which kind of fails, and then she goes and snuggles with Dean who says he's falling in love with her.

Dallas, TX with a Rose Ceremony

Back in Rachel's hometown, Dean gets sent home, which is sad, but look at that face:

I think he'll be okay

Looks like next week, everyone gets to meet Rachel's family, which should be fun!

Curveball, dude!

This week, we get almost a standard episode: new location (new "great place to fall in love"), some dates, and then at the end of the episode, while we have no rose ceremony, there is no "to be continued" and all of the roses for the week are given out.  To get started, Rachel meets the men at their hotel suite to inform them there will be three 1-on-1 dates and one 3-on-1 date this week with 4 roses to be given out whenever she pleases.  Much to everyone's displeasure, she takes Bryan on the first 1-on-1 date.

Brian gets to drive Rachel off to an expensive watch store in a Bentley.  They drink champagne and try on matching watches with black leather bands to which Bryan says, "I like black" and Rachel goes, "DOooO yOoOUuuu?" and then Bryan attack-kisses her while the poor watch salesman stands by and endures it.  They then drink champagne and ride a boat.  Over dinner, Rachel want to really talk to Bryan and understand why someone so perfect is still single.  She asks about his upbringing, and he tells her how he was sent to an all boys school because he asked for an earring and there's got to be more to that story.  She says she went to private school and Bryan asks her to describe her uniform which creeps me out, but apparently not Rachel.  Next, they talk about Bryan's last relationship and he basically describes his a Rachel's (passionate, hot and heavy in a very short amount of time, met family super soon...).  For some reason, his mom was an issue and the two broke it off.  Rachel doesn't seem to notice any red flags and gives Bryan a rose.

We see the men back at the hotel speculating in pairs about how they want to get a 1-on-1 this week because duh.  Adam wants to be "the broom that sweeps [Rachel] off her feet."  He won't be able to attempt to be a cleaning apparatus quite yet, though, since Dean gets 1-on-1 date number two.

Dean and Rachel go to a Catholic church in old town Geneva to listen to a French service, though it would seem neither of them are Catholic or speak French.  Then they wander around and dance adorably to a street performer.  Rachel keeps trying to get him to open up about his emotions and Dean deflects with mature questions such as "do you believe in the tooth fairy?" and "what's your favorite dinosaur?".  Rachel is frustrated, but luckily they have the evening portion of the date for Dean to redeem himself.  Which he does; he opens up about how he's not sure about Rachel meeting his family since he doesn't have a great relationship with them.  Rachel says she's not looking for a family just like hers and gives him the rose.

Much to Adam and Matt's dismay (because Adam and Matt are people on this show that apparently know Rachel and may in fact have been dating her?), Peter gets the final 1-on-1 date.  Rachel takes Peter in a helicopter to the Alps.  They dog sled and then sit shivering in the snow until they realize they should cuddle for warmth.  Over the course of this date we learn that Peter considered leaving, he's never dated a black girl before, and that his last relationship ending made him really sad.  He clearly gets a rose, which leaves Eric, Adam, and Matt on a brutal 3-on-1 date.

Rachel takes the three remaining bachelors on a boat ride to France where we see her talk to Matt for the first time since his limo entrance probably.  He says he can still picture them together and Rachel kisses him, then cries and tells him how he reminds her of herself and that she wishes things were different but she has to say goodbye.  It's an awful lot of emotion for a guy we've never seen.  He takes his glass of champagne and leaves.

That evening Rachel chats with Adam and Eric.  Adam says a part of him is falling in love with him and that he wants to bring her home.  Eric says she'll be the first girl he brings home and that he hasn't had the best relationship models in his life.  Rachel goes with her guy and gives Eric the rose, which is good because Adam went from "who?" to "ugh you're annoying" incredibly fast in this episode.  He spent his limo exit complaining about how big of a mistake Rachel was making; good riddance.

Next up: hometowns!  And this season looks like it might actually be the most dramatic hometowns ever!

"White dudes acting crazy"

We start this episode with a montage of Rachel walking her dog, so you know it's going to be a good one.

Group Date #1: Rachel is looking for a trophy husband husband material

How to be a celebrity couple.

Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and Lucas get to join Rachel at a BBQ and then compete in a "Husband Material Challenge."  It should be fairly drama free except we get a "Lucas is garbage" right off the bat from Blake, whose insistence he's going to ruin this for Lucas is clearly going to be his downfall.

To help Rachel heckle the guys during the Husband Material obstacle course, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis join the show.  They ask the guys if they have health insurance and jobs, and when they all say yes, they give Rachel a high five.  Iggy asks if they're setting the bar too low, to which Mila replies, "Have you watched the Bachelor?"  Because she and Ashton sure have.  According to them, they heard there was a contestant that looked like Ashton, started watching, and were hooked (that contestant was Jared from Kaitlyn's season, by the way).

Anyway, the guys attempt the obstacle course and are terrible at everything causing Mila to literally fall on the ground laughing.  Lucas somehow wins despite basically drowning his fake baby in a sink and shoving Kenny out of the way.  He does the Whaboom thing for Ashton and Mila who react like all of us ("Why?").

During the evening portion of the date, Rachel has some lackluster conversations with the guys, which included a terrible poem by Lucas and Blake using his time with Rachel to complain about Lucas.  It comes out the Blake lived with Lucas's ex girlfriend and they have a weird argument.  Everyone else is a bit uncomfortable around them and don't seem to care about Lucas being annoying as much as Blake does.  "These white dudes are kinda bugging right now," says Kenny, providing us a nice alternative title for the show.

Dean then gets the group date rose and also a lot of lipstick smudged on his face kiss.

First One on One Date (or should I say, two on one date)

The perfect family.

Peter gets to take a private jet to Palm Springs with Rachel, but that's not even the best part.  The best part is that he also gets to spend the day with Rachel's adorable dog Copper who is not letting a cast slow him down.

#CopperForBachelor?

They go to BarkFest, which is basically a party where everyone brings their dogs.  They have a ton of fun and then have a nice dinner together where they actually seem to talk about real things (like how they have matching gap teeth and that therapy has really helped them in relationships).  Peter obviously gets the rose and they end the evening with a fireworks show.

Group Date #2: Swish
Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, and DeMario get to play basketball for Rachel.  And because apparently all of Rachel's friends are actually famous people, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is there to help judge the guys.  "Basketball is a good game to connect to romance," Kareem tells Rachel in a not at all producer-fed line.  His appearance is interesting considering he wrote an article pretty harshly critiquing The Bachelor (and then wrote a follow-up for Monday's episode).

After the guys run drills for a while, they are informed they will play a live game in front of fans, which we then see includes AJ, Adam's creepy doll, and a full high school marching band.  Based on previews and a few interactions so far, I know Lee will soon be my least favorite guy once the Blake-Lucas stuff is over, but I appreciated his comments during the game.  He was well aware that he sucks at basketball, but decided to just have fun and laugh and not freak out about it.  Luckily for him, everyone was playing poorly.  Lee describes it: "when it came to shooting, everybody was shooting [he pauses, realizing he was about to say blanks] just random shot bullets everywhere.  Just duds."  After an incredibly low scoring game, Lee, Alex, Adam, Will, and Eric are victorious.  They guys head to the locker room while Rachel chats with adoring fans.

The last fan to leave is a girl name Lexi, who tells Rachel DeMario ghosted her to come on this show and she found him out watching After the Final Rose.  Rachel is floored and goes to get DeMario.  The other guys are bummed because they think he's getting the group date rose.  DeMario's pumped until he sees Lexi.  He tries to be smooth and asks Rachel "who's this?"  Lexi says "Karma's a bitch, isn't it, DeMario," and you know she's been planning that sentence for a long time.  Lexi goes off and it's clear to DeMario he's not going to be able to play it off that he doesn't know her.  He spirals: "She's pyscho", "I met her many, many times ago", "This is personal life stuff", "I mailed those keys to your apartment".

Rachel grills both of them, and Lexi shows her texts from DeMario.  DeMario is trying so desperately and ineffectively to salvage his public image, but Rachel is having none of it.  "I'm really gonna need you to get the f*ck out" she says.  DeMario leaves in a van, Chris Harrison shows up to play psychiatrist, but Rachel blows him off and marches into the women's restroom.  She goes to inform the rest of the guys who are pretty shocked.  The evening is pretty uneventful; there's another poem, Alex sings at her poorly in Russian, Josiah gets the group date rose.

The Cocktail Party: Return of DeMario
Rachel lectures the guys about pure intentions and then they do normal cocktail party stuff like give her a massage, play with barbies, and have thumb wars.  Meanwhile, DeMario shows up and security is keeping him out.  He tells Chris Harrison that "someone from my past came up and assassinated my character."  Chris Harrison steals Rachel away, who is curious.  Fred and Lee eavesdrop on Chris and Rachel and immediately go round up the rest of the dudes to go outside after DeMario.  It's very Beauty and the Beast Mob Song-esque.  Then we get the first To Be Continued of the season.

Another picture of Copper for good measure.

P.S. These guys may be the smartest set of contestants this show has seen, but they somehow don't have a grasp on normal phrases (despite one of them using "duplicitous" naturally in a sentence).  A collection from this episode:

"The only leg I have to stand on are my two legs." - Lucas
"You can either sink with the fishes, or swim to shore." - DeMario
Rachel's "legging-tights [...] fit her body like a coca cola bottle." - Josiah