Becca and The 'Sea of Highway Patrol Officers'

We start this season with sad music and sobbing, followed by pensive walks in the snow, culminating in Becca driving a red convertible to uplifting music in a leather jacket with roses all over.  After being blindsided by Arie's break-up and returning home to Minnesota for a bit, Becca is ready to find love again.  Kaitlyn, Jojo, and Rachel are awaiting Becca at the Bachelor Mansion to remind her to "*bleep* Arie" and "trust [her] gut" and point out where they smooched their current fiances on night one.  Rachel and Jojo also want to sage the house.  Kaitlyn is confused "why do you light a big doobie and throw it around the room?"  Good question.  She doesn't find out since they set off the fire alarm and go outside to say cheers and drink champagne.

Things we learned from the intro videos:

• Clay is a biracial football player who cooks for his extended family.
• Garrett is a big goofball who loves all things outdoors.
• Jordan is a "pensive gentleman" who takes modeling incredibly seriously and looks like a douchey Ken Doll.
• Lincoln is originally from Nigeria and the US is different from there.
• Joe is an adorable Chicagoan who owns a grocery store and knows his tomatoes, but women? "Not so much."
• Jean Blanc reaaalllly likes fragrances.  He also dissed Trump, which I almost missed due to bleeping, saying that Port-au-Prince is "not a shithole" (it's where he's from).
• Colton is your Classic hot dude who played football, got injured, and now runs a non-profit helping kids with Cystic Fibrosis (which his cousin was born with).  Oh, and he has a big ol' black lab, so basically he's perfect.

Limo Entrances

Chris Harrison greets Becca: "This is now your mansion."
And now, the men:

• Colton brings giant confetti poppers and Becca thinks he's handsome.
• Grant tells Becca he respects what she went through, but they should forget about all that and have a good time.
• Clay makes like 8 puns about "catches" - including that she'd be the biggest catch of his life (and he's a football player, so he's made some big catches before).
• Jean Blanc teaches Becca how to say "Let's do the damn thing" in French and she thinks he smells good.
• Connor kneels and recreates Becca's limo entrance from Arie's season.

I do find it fitting that she wore black for
Arie's night one, and white for her own.

• Joe completely forgets what he was planning to say, so he tells Becca that.
• John's grandmother told him love can happen overnight, because it happened to her and his grandfather.
• Leo goes in for a handshake, but Becca is a hugger.  He tells her they should let their hair down and pulls his hair out of a bun.  Becca comments that he has better hair than she does.  He has better hair than everyone.
• Jordan tells Becca he's already having a good time.  He goes inside and gets one polite comment about how he looks good, and informs the other men that he spent 6 hours putting together this outfit.  The next limo entrances are accompanied by interviews with Jordan talking about how he picked out the specific articles to be unique, and shots of other dudes showing how un-unique his choices are.
• Ricky lists "all the adjectives" describing Becca.
• Alex also compliments Becca.
• Nick shows up in a car racing suit, says this is stupid, and rips it off.
• Mike shows Nick's Arie reference up by bringing a life-size cardboard cutout of Arie so he can see how happy she is.
• Garrett rolls up in a minivan filled with soccer balls and car-seats, to which Becca responds, "that was good!"

Ok, but for a show about a woman wanting to get married in like a month,
how has this entrance not been done before?!

Now we have the five guys Becca already met at Arie's After the Final Rose:

• Blake outdoes his horse entrance, riding in on an ox (his feelings are already "strong as an ox").
• Lincoln's birthday was on ATFR, so he brought some cake for them to share.
• Chase makes puns about this being "all about the chase."
• Darius says he's not as nervous as before.
• Ryan does not have his Banjo.

And back to meeting new men:

• Christon's entrance was unmemorable.
• Wills informs Becca that he's a closet nerd.  She says she's just a nerd.
• Jason shows Becca his and his friends' secret handshake, making it not really a secret handshake anymore.
• Kamil tries to make a healthy relationships meet in the middle by having her walk some of the way to him joke, but ruins it trying to make her come 60 to his 40.  It's a bit cringe-worthy and Becca is not impressed.
• Jake is immediately recognized by Becca who says "that's so weird" since they apparently run in the same Minneapolis social circles.
• Trent leaps out of the back of a hearse, informing Becca that he "literally died" when he heard she was the Bachelorette, but now he's back to life.
• Christian says something nice and spins her.
• David is the token costume guy, and he doesn't disappoint.  Dressed as a chicken, he clucks his way toward Becca, altering 'Ba-caw' to 'Becca' by the time he reaches her.  And then makes chicken puns.  I have to add that throughout these limo entrances, we are treated to Jordan just ripping the other guy's clothing choices apart.  Chicken guy shows up and Jordan is speechless.  He literally can't even with a chicken suit.

Not here to ruffle feathers, here to be eggcellent.

• Chris brings a gospel choir to impress Pastor Uncle Gary.  They sing a song that must've been written for this show since it's about bringing roses to heaven.

We get the typical montage of men milling about, commenting on how beautiful and funny and great Becca is, followed by the typical toast from the Bachelorette about how hopeful she is and how much love she has to give.  She barely takes a sip, and Connor pops up out of nowhere and steals her away first.  Jordan is convinced he dropped his playbook and Connor picked it up and the fact that Jordan is so concerned by his playbook makes me literally unable to even.  Leo has the best take I've heard on the stealing-first guy: "there's an old real estate saying.  You never buy your first house."

Clay has Becca play with clay (which looks like it's probably play-doh).  John informs Becca he made Venmo.  Christon dunks a basketball by jumping over Becca's head and the guys are begrudgingly impressed.  Jean Blanc reads Becca a poem he wrote and had engraved on a candle lid.  We learn that Joe got into the grocery business by wholesaling watermelons, which I find fascinating for some reason.  Chris Harrison spooks the guys by bringing in the first impression rose.  Lincoln gives her a bracelet from Nigeria.  David the chicken has a good conversation with Becca (after doing the chicken dance with her, obviously) which I'm sure pissed Jordan off as he refused to even talk to him.  Wills has an "Expecto Patronum" tatoo, which Becca reads as "Expecto Patronus" which casts a shadow of doubt on her being a "nerd."  Garrett teaches Becca a little fly fishing while the other guys scoff, leading to one of my favorite exchanges of the episode:
"Wonder if he's catching anything."
"Feelings."

Seriously though, Christon was straight up impressive.

Everything seems to be going smoothly, so it must be time for some  ~DRAMA~
Chris pulls a couple guys aside to ask some advice.  When ATFR aired, a friend of his texted him about Chase, saying she used to date him and that he's not going on this show for the right reasons.  Chris wants to know if he should bring it up with either Chase or Becca.  The other guys encourage him to confront Chase, so he does.  Chase responds that he and Danielle only date briefly a long time ago and that he's totally here for the right reasons.  Chase is upset, and decides he should tell Becca about this before Chris gets a chance to.  Becca asks what the texts said, and Chase doesn't know, so they bring in Chris to elaborate.  Chase keeps saying it was like two years ago and she's not really an ex since they only went on a few dates and he'd expect this from his two exes, not Danielle, which doesn't sound suspicious at all, Chase.  Becca, now thinking about guys being here for the wrong reasons, pulls Jake aside to ask why he's never pursued her before since they run in the same social circles.  He claims he has only one "conscious memory" of meeting Becca and he had a "transformative year" so Becca should give new Jake a chance.  Becca never felt they had anything before and sends him packing.  She goes back in to let the rest of the men know why he left, and they're all "holy hell" and "this is getting real".

The night is almost over, so Becca grabs the first impression rose and bestows it on Garrett, and they share the first kiss of the season.  The rose ceremony happens, and all of the guys are nervous that the chicken guy will get a rose and they won't.  Jordan claims that him not getting a rose would be "the biggest upset of all time," and if that didn't sound narcissistic enough, follows with him going home would be "unfair to Becca."  Good Grief, Douche Ken Doll.

I mean, she had to pick the guy in the $3,000 suit.  C'mon!

Who we lost this week:
Minneapolis Jake, 60-40 Kamil, wrong reason Chase, #GroceryStoreJoe, and then Christian, Darius, and Grant, who I had to look up to have their names in this list.

"The race is on for Arie's heart!"

Arie begins "the most important race of [his] life" in the Season 22 premiere of The Bachelor.  But not before getting a quick recap of every time he kissed Emily how his heart got broken by Emily (Season 8 lead of The Bachelorette; 5 years ago).  Sean (Emily's 3rd place dude after Arie and Jef with one f, Season 17 lead of The Bachelor) and Catherine (winner of Season 17 of The Bachelor), along with their adorable son Samuel pay Arie a visit.  Sean is the last successful Bachelor, and I think ABC wanted to remind us that this show worked one time, damnit.  Sean and Arie are also good friends, but whatever.  Arie is 36 and "mature", and Sean gives advice the last four Bachelors apparently didn't heed, so lets get on to the good stuff: the 29 dramatic women who are going to make this season the train-wreck of a show that we love.

We get a few intro videos.  This is what I learned:

• Chelsea is a single mom.
• Caroline is in real estate and she's, like, "really good at [her] job."
• Maquel likes taking wedding photos and and remembers liking Arie when she watched him on Emily's season when she was like 12.  Ok, she was 18, but he was 31 then.
• Nysha tried to make a metaphor about how she just went skydiving and she's ready to make another 18 thousand foot drop (falling in love is apparently equivalent to 18 thousand feet).
• Next I thought they had goofed and were just playing Raven's (from Nick's season (21) of The Bachelor) intro package, but then Raven showed up, and I learned that Tia is also a person who exists.  Tia is also from a place called Wiener, AK, which will come up later.
• Kendall collects taxidermy and plays the ukulele and serenades her taxidermy with her ukulele.
• Bekah M is a nanny, but wants you to know she's edgy because she rock climbs without a bra.
• Marikh owns an Indian restaurant with her mom, which is code for "my parents own an Indian restaurant and I just work there until I become Instagram famous."
• Krystal is an online fitness coach who also makes sandwiches for the homeless.

Time for the Limo entrances!  Arie rolls up first and good old Chris Harrison grills him about not finding love in the last five years.  Then come the women.

1. Caroline comes out first with a realtor pun (for as we now know, while Arie is still a race car driver, he now practices real estate).  She hopes they are "both off the market" at the end of this show.
2. Chelsea is a little odd, but Arie says "She's interesting."
3. Kendall is super nervous and, so, a little awkward.
4. Sienne gives Arie elephant (her favorite animal) cuff links for good luck.
5. Tia gives Arie a small plastic penis and says, "hopefully you don't already have a little wiener."  Arie is somehow composed enough to say, "no, I don't already have one of these."
6. Bibiana tells Arie "you have my heart racing," because, you know, race cars.
7. Bri tosses a softball at Arie and for some reason does not tell him he's a great catch.
8. Jenny introduces herself.
9. Brittane J comments that "everyone knows you're not supposed to put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari, but why not an Arie?"  She proceeds to put a bumper sticker on Arie's butt, which says, "Nice Butt."
10. Jaqueline says something unmemorable.
11. Krystal has Arie close his eyes and reflect on how blessed he is.
12. Nysha exits the limosine next.
13. Valerie has purply-red hair and a bright yellow dress, which is bold, but not my favorite look.
14. Bekah M pulls up in a '65 Mustang and tells Arie, "I may be young, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate something classic." (the girls in the house are impressed/jealous, and Chelsea shit talks the choice of entrance).
15. Jenna is happy with her life but just needs a partner to take over the world with.
16. Jessica gives Arie a "gratitude rock."
17. Marikh tells Arie about how she uses a lot of spices in her work, but is ready for some salt and pepper.
18. Olivia brings up Emily's season.
19. Becca K has Arie kneel down and ask her if he's "ready to do the damn thing."
20. Lauren S shows up.
21. Lauren J gives Arie the biggest Mardi Gras beads I've ever seen.
22. Lauren B introduces herself, and inside the rest of the women are straight up losing their shit about how many Laurens there are.
23. Lauren G tells Arie she's one more from the Lauren Limo.
24. Ashley has a checkered race car flag and "hope[s she] finish[es] last."
25. Brittany T very unsuccessfully says "you're handsome" in Dutch.
26. Amber tells Arie she sees a lot of dicks in her line of work as a spray tan shop owner, but hopes he's not one.
27. Ali has Arie smell her armpit and asks him if that was the "best pit stop of [his] life."
28. Annaliese is wearing a mask and has a money bag with lips instead of dollar signs- she is the Kissing Bandit (a reference to Arie's nickname on Emily's season).
29. Maquel pulls up in the back of a race car and pulls off the helmet just whipping her long blonde hair around.  Other girls are like "DAMN,"  except Chelsea, who bad-mouths Maquel and is apparently determined to make everyone hate her.

We get a montage of women commenting on how good looking Arie is and how he still has hair and stuff, before he enters, gives a toast, and is whisked away by Chelsea, much to everyone's chagrin.  Not to worry, Maquel interrupts, and Chelsea proceeds to whine about it incessantly.  The other girls take turns stealing Arie away to feed him pizza (Caroline) and pineapple (which is Lauren G's safe word, too, apparently), massage his feet (Jenna, who is a bewildering human being), sing him a song (Kendall and her uke), race toy cars and win the first kiss (Brittany T), give him a drawing (Jenny), tell him her dad met him and is dead so now they must be wed (Jessica), and ask a "deep" question that she had prepared her own "deep" answers for (Bekah M).  Chelsea steals Arie a second time to make-out with him, which is a textbook Bachelor Villain move.  But it also wins her the First Impression Rose, as if she had any chance for the other girls to like her.

The Rose Ceremony occurs, and Arie sends home Ali (I mean, the girl had Arie smell her armpit - even a racing pun wasn't going to save her), Amber "I see a lot of dicks", Bri (probably because she acted surprised that Arie could catch a softball), Brittane "Nice Butt" J, Jessica (who might be the first person sent home right after telling the lead a sob story), Lauren J (one down, three to go), and Nysha & Olivia (since we can't have too much diversity, now can we).

The season preview included lots of crying, lots of kissing, and *gasp* someone's ex!

The race is on!

"This is a nightmare scenario" says guy in a self-inflicted scenario

Introductions

So it begins...

We start with the star, Rachel, of course.  We get to recap Nick breaking up with her on The Bachelor after she finally admits she loved him, evidence for Rachel that the show "works."  We then get to see her adorable dog with a broken leg, Copper, for not enough time.  What they want to make clear is that Rachel is serious and looking for a husband on this show, "like, this finger is ready," she exclaims, holding up her left hand.

We then get introduced to eight of Rachel's suitors.  What we learned:

Kenny is a pro-wrestler with an adorable 10 year old daughter.

Jack's mom died when he was in high school, so more on that story later at an advantageous time for him to stay one more week on the show.

Alex wants you to know that he's not only super ripped, but also a huge nerd!

Mohit loves Bollywood dancing with his large family.

Lucas (aka Whaboom guy) is literally the worst.

Blake E. said "I don't want to come across as the guy who talks about his penis..." and TOO LATE, creep.

Diggy has more shoes than pages in Moby-Dick.

Josiah's life could be a lifetime movie: tragic event in his youth, turned to crime, got arrested, turned his life around and now works in the legal system that arrested him and gave him a second chance.

Now it's time for Rachel to get ready for the big day: by driving up to the Bachelor Mansion in a Tesla to get advice from some other girls on Nick's season (Jasmine, Alexis, Corinne, Raven, Kristina, Astrid, and Whitney).  They have some generic advice and we move on.

The Limo Entrances

I mean, I love penguins, so I'd pick him.

We start off with Peter, who brings up Nick, since he is also from Wisconsin and wants to give Rachel a good experience with Wisconsin boys.  Rachel says "he's cute! we're off to a good start!"   And it's a good thing it's a good start, because it's a terrible end (last guy out of the limos is my least favorite contestant possibly of all time).  Josiah's up next with some lawyer puns, ending with "see you later, litigator," which actually made me smile.  Bryan talks to her in Spanish and she is instantly into him and I don't know why.  Then we have some generic entrances with Kenny, Rob, and Iggy, followed by Bryce who picks her up while we hear a voice over of how some of the men sweep her off her feet.  Will does a Steve Urkel impression, gets back in the limo, and comes out for a normal introduction.  Diggy makes a pun on his own name, hoping he's there to "teach [her] how to Diggy."  Kyle brings some Jamaican treat, which he pulls out after saying he wants to show Rachel his buns.  Blake K. tells Rachel his grandparents only dated for two months before getting married and have been together for 60 years, so he believes this could work.  Brady brings some ice out so he can literally break the ice.  At this point I'm not sure if Rachel legitimately loves corny jokes or if she's just really good at just going with everything with a smile.  This is why I couldn't be Bachelorette: I have no poker face.  Well, this and a thousand other reasons.  Next we have the four guys who already had a fake limo entrance at After the Final Rose, all of whom brought up those entrances: Dean, Eric, DeMario, and Blake E., the last of whom showed up this time with a marching band. 

We get a breather and Chris Harrison comes out to check in with Rachel, but not for long because we still have 15 more dudes to meet.

Fred brings his yearbook to show Rachel she's in it.  Rachel totally remembers him (she was his camp counselor) and exclaims "he was a very bad kid!"  Jonathan tickles her, but then his "occupation" is tickle-monster, so I'm not sure what I expected.   Lee comes out crooning with a guitar and hands her an enormous flower.  Alex dances up with a vacuum, a la Rachel in her intro video for Nick's season.  Milton takes a selfie with her.  Then Adam and Adam Jr. show up.  Adam Jr., or AJ, is a puppet that looks like Adam and it understandably creeps Rachel out.  Matt shows up in a penguin suit and tells Rachel how penguins mate for life, and seems pretty normal, despite the penguin suit.  Grant rolls up in a fire truck with sirens and everything (he's an EMT).  Anthony, Jamey, and Jack have unmemorable entrances.  Mohit holds her hands below his and says this will be the only time he has the upper hand in their relationship.  Jebediah says "when Jacob met Rachel, he wept," and I'm glad Rachel got the Bible reference because I sure didn't.  Michael tells Rachel "the blacker the brownie, the sweeter the dude," and I don't really know what that means but it sounds dirty.  Lastly, we get Lucas, who announces himself with a megaphone from the limo, his intro including the fact that one of his testicles is larger than the other.  He also calls himself Rachel's future husband.  He comes out wearing a shirt with his name on it and I have no idea how Rachel did not just send him home on the spot.  We still don't really know what "Whaboom" is other than him convulsing and yelling it over and over again.

Inside, the guys are joking about who the crazy one of the season is.  Lucas walks in and does his weird Whaaaaaabooom thing and they're all, yup, he's the one.  Token crazy guy.

No. Just, no.

Cocktail Party

The cocktail party commences- Josiah steals her away first.  Other guys are like "I didn't expect that!" and come on, you've all seen this show before.  The guys try to make an impression on Rachel.  The Adam puppet even gets his own contestant interviews, inexplicably in French.  As the night wears on, guys are getting drunker and more and more nervous about not getting time with her.  One guy can't believe the penguin guy has talked to her, but not the guy in the $2000 suit, come on!  Bryan not only manages to get time with Rachel, but aggressively kisses her, for a long time, and with lots of tongue.  It was uncomfortable to watch, but clearly Rachel is into him, because he gets the first impression rose and another kiss.  This second kiss is seen by a very drunk Mohit who points and goes "NOOOOOOOO!!!"

Meanwhile, Lucas is annoying everyone, but none more than Blake E, who tries to confront him about just coming on the show for attention.  To which he says, "I think that everyone has a little Whaboom in them," and Blake E responds, "I have no Whaboom in me."  Scintillating.

Anyway, it's rose ceremony time and all the guys are whining about how "devastating" it would be to be sent home and how they "can't live without" a rose.  Geez, and they say women can be dramatic.  The last rose of course goes to Lucas, and if that wasn't a producer pick, I don't know what Rachel was thinking.

Seven guys are sent home, and exit the mansion in clear daylight.  Milton cries because he doesn't get to show off all the outfits he brought.  Blake K. has the classiest exit of all time, saying that there are a lot of great guys there for Rachel, she and him aren't right for each other, but the right girl is out there for him!  Turns out, him leaving was his own choice because his grandfather was hospitalized and he flew to Hawaii to be with him, which just makes him going home that much worse- such a stand-up (and hot) guy, but instead we have to watch Whaboom for another week.

I mean, look at this guy!  Lives in SF and a war vet too!

"My heart is in my ass now"

And we're off!  Nick's journey has began, and I am here and liquored up for the ride.

We begin with a recap of Nick getting shot down by two Bachelorettes and then straight into the shirtless shots to show he's "matured" since the start of his "journey" with this franchise.  Nick then gets teased/given advice by three former Bachelors: Ben Higgins (engaged to his pick Lauren Bushnell, with a boring reality show), Sean Lowe (married with a kid to his Bachelor pick Catherine), and Chris Soules (rich Prince Farming who didn't last very long with his pick, Whitney, and other than his good looks, it's unclear why he's here giving advice).  They all have beards and maybe half of them can pull them off.

Next up: introductory videos for a few of our bachelorettes (we also got some introductory videos in the "Countdown to Nick" pre-show, which I will include here):

• Corinne:  What to say about Corinne.  She has a nanny (for herself).  She makes her nanny fetch her bowls of cucumbers.  She runs a MULTI MILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS and she's not going to let us forget it.  She has a platinum vagine and is going to win Nick over with her sex abilities.  Her world is so glamorous she has to use third person.  She is not going anywhere if the producers have anything to say about it.
• Jasmine G. is a pro dancer currently with the Golden State Warriors (shout out to the Bay!)  she also gets to lose that G because *Spoiler Alert* the other Jasmine doesn't make it past night one.
• Kristina was a Russian orphan, and that story will probably keep her around one more week than she was going to originally last.
• Raven, unfortunately not of That's so Raven fame, is a country girl from Alabama where the only things to do are "go mudding, shoot guns, and read the bible."  Sounds like a blast.
• Rachel is an attorney from Texas (the new Andi, perhaps?), smart, and close to Nick in age (or as close as they get in this show), and I have nothing to work with to make fun of her.
• Hailey is apparently friends with Daniel from JoJo's season (aka the crazy Canadian who was maybe friends wth Chad when he wasn't comparing him to Hitler) because she's also Canadian.
• Christen is a virgin for faith reasons.  Her intro was a bunch of clips failing to mount a horse.  She is super excited to get married because then she can have sex because "God loves sex.  He created it" and guys, I can't make this shit up.
• Liz slept with Nick after Jade and Tanner's wedding (she was Jade's maid of honor) and then refused to give Nick her number.  This is literally all we will ever know about her, even if she lasts half the season.
• Danielle L. owns a bunch of nail salons or something.
• Vanessa is trilingual and teaches special education and is way to smart to be doing this.
• Josephine is from Santa Cruz!  I live in Santa Cruz!  Hey cool! Oh wait... Josephine is weird, has a cute cat, and is weird.
• Alexis is "like, obsessed with dolphins" and Nick "needs to love dolphins."
• Danielle M. works with babies and has kind of a baby voice.
• All I remember from Taylor's intro is that she's biracial and cool with it.

And now, what we've all been waiting for: the Limo Entrances!

Here are some highlights:

• Taylor seemed to think the best way to meet a guy you want to date is tell him all your friends think he's a piece of shit.
• Sarah decided to remind Nick of his runner-up status by literally running up the driveway.
• Jasmine G. brings out Neil Lane with some diamond rings so Nick would know right off the bat what her ring size is.
• Hailey tried to tell a joke: "what does a girl wearing underwear say?" the punchline?  "I don't know."
• Two girls talk to Nick in languages he can't understand: Astrid (German) and Vanessa (French).
• Josephine has an elaborate pun about Nick being a winner: "you're a weiner in my book" (she literally has a hot dog in a book).  She then asks if he wants to "lady and the tramp it" and they both take a bite out of an uncooked hot dog and it's gross.
• Lacey rides in on a camel and makes some humping jokes and the girls freak out because she's wearing a red dress and they're all wearing red dresses!  But, like, also she rode in on a live camel or something?
• Lastly, we have Alexis who shows up in stilettos and a shark suit but introduces herself as a dolphin and a great dolphin vs shark debate starts.  And by debate, I mean everyone one goes, she knows she's a shark? right? and Alexis keeps making dolphin noises.

Time for the cocktail party.  All the girls talk about how good looking and mature Nick has become since they first saw him on TV like eight years ago and also how they shouldn't have all worn red.  Corinne just goes for the villain label by stealing Nick away for a second conversation and then kisses him.  She is then shocked when she doesn't get the first impression rose.  Nick gives that to Rachel, someone he actually wanted to kiss.  Anyway, this portion is mostly girls freaking out about not getting time with Nick, calling Corinne a ho, and talking about the dolphin/shark girl.

Then 21 other girls get roses and further chances to embarrass themselves on TV.

Bachelorettes who will probably count their blessings for getting to go home night one after watching the rest of the season are:

• Angela because I literally don't know who that was, but she's on my list, so she was probably there
• Briana because she brought a stethoscope to listen to Nick's heart, which was more corny than any other introdcution I guess?
• Ida Marie because Nick probably doesn't understand that name
• Jasmine B. because we might as well only have one Jasmine
• Lauren because she said her and Nick's names together meant "disgusting slut" and I don't know why that pick up line fell flat
• Michelle because she made a joke about lemons
• Olivia because she's from Alaska and I guess it's too cold there for Nick
• Susannah because she offered him a massage but it was for his beard and that's just weird

So there you have it!  After the premiere, Nick went on Jimmy Kimmel and hung out with Kaitlyn and Andi, who both broke his heart on national television, because apparently that night wasn't awkward enough already.

It's the most wine-derful time of the year!

It's that time again!  The girls' bios have been released and I'm ready to judge!

This season premiere will showcase 30 contestants ages 23-31 to vie for professional runner-up Nick V., a 36 year old technology salesman.  There is not one but three ladies who have job titles that are basically "unemployed": aspiring dolphin trainer, unemployed nurse (ok, she admits it), and law school graduate (and let's just ignore the fact that they all have to be basically unemployed to commit to a potentially few months on this show).

Let's look at the highlights from their Bios (found here):

Alexis' 5 things she can't live without starts strong with "family, dog, best friend" but quickly crashes into a huge "ugh, seriously?" with "fake eyelashes, whitening strips."

Angela's worst date was when a guy put down Batman as his name while waiting for a table, meaning she is just no fun and maybe needs to start dating adults.

Astrid wants to be a dolphin so she can rescue lost sailors and swim in the ocean doing tricks (tricks like killing those rescued lost sailors, because do you even know anything about real mermaids?)

Briana wants to be a pineapple because she wants to be "Hawaiian, delicious, tropical, and pretty," so she should just move to Hawaii and eat lots of pineapple.

Brittany admires Beyonce for a few reasons including "she's a virgo like me!" as if being born a certain time of year is something to be admired.

Christen is obsessed with the president because she seems to think the TV show Scandal is real.  She also wants to break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a strange closet to presumably see sexy, scandalous presidential going on or whatever happens in the Scandal universe.

Corinne wants to be Snow White so she can find her Prince Charming, and honey, that's Cinderella- Snow White's prince is Prince Ferdinand.

Danielle L.'s favorite book is a self-help book and that's kind of sad.  She also wants to be a fox because they're "responsive," so I feel sorry for any other animal she's interacted with.

Danielle M. wants to be Hermione which is cool, and has a dead fiancé, so that's sure to keep her on the show a few weeks.

Dominique looooves Chipotle so much that if she could have lunch with any three people dead or alive, it would be her grandfather, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Jesus and they would all be eating burritos from Chipotle.  Chipotle is also one of the 5 things she can't live without.

Elizabeth "Liz" apparently hooked up with Nick at a wedding a while back so here's some drama already!  Other tidbits: golf is so boring it angers her AND she's unashamed of being a Belieber.

Elizabeth gets out of having a last initial because the other Elizabeth has a nickname.  Her response to what her greatest achievement is: "My life has been a journey of achievements that only I would appreciate."

Haily is "not into butterflies at all.  Jumping bugs suck.  Butterflies are a solid no for [her], though."

Ida Marie's favorite book and author are the same: "I need to read more books."

Jaimi likes to bench press men with her legs to impress them.

Jasmine B. was engaged before but never got married because she "was too young and he ended up proving he doesn't deserve my greatness," and you go girl!

Jasmine G. thinks she's the girl version of Guy Fieri but also has the most fun group of three folks (dead or alive) who she wants to have lunch with: RuPaul, Dave Chappelle, and Prince.

Josephine would like to be Stephen Hawking for a day, and she may be the only one of these bimbos who knows who that is.

Kristina is an orphan (so sticking around points!) and if she could be someone for a day she'd be her biological mother because she'd "like to know what she was going through when [she] was young and if choosing alcohol over kids worth it" which is possibly the most thoughtful/serious answer any Bachelor contestant has ever given to any of these questions ever.

Lacey's biggest fear is that her date is going to another date right after hers, and girl, have you even seen the show you're about to go on?

Lauren could be my friend considering if she could go anywhere in the US it would be state parks in the southwest since she loves the rock formations

Michelle was very specific about what she would eat with the three people she wants to have lunch with: Sunday roast with Dumbledore, tacos with Gwen Stefani, and fish & chips with Princess Diana.

Olivia was the kicker on her high school football team, so lets hope she goes on the obligatory sports competition date.

Rachel "hates things that fly (eg birds, grasshoppers)."

Raven would be Blue Ivy is she could be anyone for a day because I guess being 4 would be fun?

Sarah, if she could be any animal, would be "a dog! or, if your a bird, I'm a bird, right :)" so we know she's going to be the girl who says the L word first since she'll think it's something Nick wants to hear.

Susannah's guilty pleasure is "buying expensive shoes or not expensive shoes."  So, buying shoes.

Taylor's favorite clothing designer is Forever 21, because I guess that's a designer.

Vanesa wants to be an onion.  She should just duck out early and find Ashely S.

Whitney's response to "how much do you enjoy theater?" is "I like going to movies but also to rent them at home," and I don't think she knows what theater generally refers to.

See you in 2 weeks for the cringe-worthy limo entrances of all the ladies named above!
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"Bring on the men!"

After a recap of JoJo's journey on Ben's season with the whole L word fiasco and some shots of JoJo staring into the ocean, JoJo sits down with former bachelorettes Ali, Des, and Kaitlyn so they can give her advice.  JoJo asks if they have any regrets and Kaitlyn emphatically says yes.  She has a little monologue about living too much in the moment and how she needed to take a step back.  Translation: she regrets sleeping with Nick.

Kaitlyn (still with Shawn), Ali (engaged to someone not Bachelor related; pregnant),
JoJo (our new Bachelorette), and Des (married to Chris and pregnant)

Next up we have a few intro videos:

• Grant is a firefighter from SF who said a lot of generic stuff about wanting to fall in love but ended with hoping that "JoJo is the one that lights my fire."  Get it?  Firefighter- lights my fire?  Oof, lets hope the producers weren't relying on their puns for comic relief.
• Jordan has a famous brother who is famous for succeeding in Jordan's former profession.  Though since Jordan isn't focusing on football, he can make a priority for love!  Even though that's no excuse considering his bro is still focusing on football and has a famous girlfriend.
• Alex is a marine and has a twin brother who is married and he's jealous, so he decided to go on TV to expedite the process of finding a wife.
• James S. is a "Bachelor Superfan" and that's still all we know about him.
• Evan used to be a pastor, but found a new calling: helping men get erections.
• Ali's family came here from Iran and he has a couple of successful older siblings who are hard to live up to, so I guess he decided to go a different route and not even try.  He's a bartender and from his video, a surfer/skateboarder with a cute dog.
• Christian has a boring nerdy job but makes up for it by getting up at 3:30am to work out everyday.  Also, he "grew-up biracial" which leaves one to wonder what he is now as an adult.
• Our last on location intro is Luke, the small-town country dude from Texas.

Let's head to the Bachelor mansion!  The limo entrances were pretty cringe worthy.  Some highlights:

• Robby brings JoJo a bottle of wine for them to take swigs from a la JoJo's mom during hometowns last season.
• Will "accidentally" drops his index cards as he gets out of the limo so he can do a "funny" gimmick where he reads them wrong.  It's terrible.
• Jonathan comes out of the limo in a kilt and tries to make a joke about how he has a big penis (Half Chinese, half Scottish- the Scottish half is below the waist), but it ends up coming out a little racist and crude and also JoJo didn't seem to get it.
• Saint Nick is next and his whole joke is saying "Jo Jo Jo" (instead of ho ho ho) and giving JoJo a gift.  You gotta hand it to him though, he proceeds into the mansion and pulls toys out of his bag to give to the other guys.
• Chase wears sunglasses with a fake mustache and says "I mustache you a question, but I'm going to shave it for later" (he takes off the mustache as he says shave).  Pun game not strong this season.
• Sal has some blue stress balls for JoJo and I guess just wanted to make jokes about his balls.
• Wells, the radio DJ, brought an acapella group, so that's cool I guess.
• Luke was the last to arrive, riding up on a white horse that he gave a unicorn horn in reference to JoJo's limo entrance where she wore a unicorn head.

Unsurprisingly, the other guys though this was dumb, but probably
because they were already bored of making fun of the guy in a kilt.

The night gets started quickly.  After JoJo welcomes the men, Alex immediately steals her away.  The guys are mad and jealous they didn't do it, so they bitch about Alex being "that guy" and "short" and they all sound like jerks.  The first kiss comes awkwardly forced from Will and his cootie catcher.  The second kiss, though, is from Jordan who JoJo is clearly into.  He hasn't even name dropped his brother yet!  Chad thinks he's a more manly and rugged version of Ben which he thinks is perfect for JoJo.  She seems to like him, but every time he speaks to the camera, he comes off as a complete tool.  After Daniel tries to explain his limo entrance ("Damn, JoJo!") which is related to some internet meme called "Damn Daniel," but fails, he gets "white Canadian wasted."  Somehow between poking a guy's belly button and making fun of suits, Daniel loses his clothes and jumps in the pool.  A couple other guys get drunk too, but all they do is interrupt an interview and slur words at JoJo.  Daniel continues to be creepy, Ali plays some piano, and JoJo sits on Santa's lap.  Jordan, fairly obviously to us viewers, gets the first impression rose and everyone's super stressed out in time for the rose ceremony.

I guess JoJo likes sitting on guys

But wait!  Just as JoJo's about to hand out her first rose, a car pulls up and Jake Pavelka (a former Bachelor) whisks her off!  They guys are pissed, but all for naught.  In a weird twist, Jake is actually an old family friend of JoJo's and just wants to wish her luck!  Ok.  Maybe just text next time rather than giving 26 men a heart attack.

Anyways, the men who went home this week were kilt guy and five others I know nothing about.

All about the Benjamin

And we're back!  With the perfect (yet thinks he's unlovable) Ben at the helm, 28 girls show up to the bachelor mansion ready to embarrass themselves on national tv find love.

I could go through all of the limo entrances, but let's just cut to the good stuff:

Because insecurity and wine is always a good idea

Lace aka SNL's girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party (if you haven't see it, look it up- Cecily Strong is great).  While managing to act fairly normal around Ben (if you call kissing him with his eyes closed and then asking for another kiss later normal), drunk Lace shares her internal monologue constantly.  Things we learn:  she hates the giant rose hat girl, she thinks thinks she way prettier than everyone else, she likes white wine, she's super insecure, and eye contact is really important in her life.  After she miraculously pulled through with the last rose of the night, she confronted Ben because apparently he didn't make eye contact with her during the rose ceremony.  Ben has no idea what she's upset about because she got a rose.

Other ladies who got a rose are:
Haley and Emily, the twins, who are just perpetuating all the terrible stereotypes of twins
Caila, who broke up with her boyfriend because she though someone on TV was cute
Becca and Amber, who both from Chris Soule's season (Becca made it to the top three and is a virgin, Amber didn't make it far in Chris' season or in Bachelor in Paradise, so maybe third time's a charm?)
Mandi "I am the first impression rose," who is a weird dentist from Portland
Jubilee, a war veteran, who seems like a front runner despite the fact that statistically she won't last long as a black person on this show
Lauren, three of them, actually
Shushanna, who spoke Russian the whole time
Olivia, the news anchor form Texas who got the first impression rose
Jami, who is from Canada so obviously knows Kaitlyn
Leah, Samantha, Amanda, Jackie, JoJo, Rachel, and Jennifer.

At least they showed up night one,
 unlike a certain Nick V we all love to hate

The girls who went home were:
Isabel, who wore pajamas and lead with the line "you're the onesie for me"
Maegan, who brought Lil' Sebastian
Tiara, the chicken enthusiast who got an intro segment but was barely seen at the cocktail party
Laura, who apparently has the nickname Red Velvet, but other than that seemed pretty normal (redheads never seem to make it past night one- I guess Bachelors are afraid of gingers)
Lauren R., who opened with "I stalked you on social media" as if A) no one else had her same skill of using the internet and B) that wasn't a creepy way to introduce yourself to someone
Breanne, who not only made sure Ben knew she didn't eat gluten, but made him help her destroy some delicious looking baguettes because "Gluten is Satan"
Jessica, who I know literally nothing about, except that she's a brunette because Ben kept all the blondes.

Stock up on wine and get ready for tears, kisses, bikinis, a black eye, and more tears!  It's Bachelor season!

"It's all fun and games until Chris Harrison shows up"

This season is going to be SO dramatic, they had to set the stage with a two-night season premiere!
Some thoughts on the "awkward and probably a bit painful" episodes:

• I would never want Chris Harrison to break bad news to me.  Or good news.  Or any news.
• Britt didn't get to take a moment and say her good byes!
• How awkward would it be if Kaitlyn ends up with a guy who totally came for Britt?
• Are they going to have a side story in the credits about Britt and the singer-songwriter who is terrible at singing?
• Cupcake car/Dentist definitely had the best entrance.  Car pool wasn't half bad either, but then he tried to reason with the drunk guy and is an amateur sex coach, so it went downhill from there.
• "I would love to puck you."  Way to take a leaf out of Kaitlyn's book and use an inappropriate punny pick-up line, JJ!
• I wonder where the Chris Harrison riding a Triceratops and wielding a rose drawing is now?
• "I guess you can't judge a book by it's cupcake."  Tony should leave the jokes to Kaitlyn.
• So Kaitlyn's going to sleep with someone (or if it's Nick, "make love") and then tell everyone?  Just leave that in the ocean like Juan Pablo did, and avoid a horrendously awkward situation.
• Whatever Kaitlyn does though, I doubt it will be as embarrassing for her as Drunk "you suck" Ryan's 15 minutes of fame.  He was really good at not spilling his drink when falling all over the pool, but also really good at being an A-grade douchebag.

I haven't learned their names yet, but the men Kaitlyn kept this week are:  three ethnic dudes, cupcake car-dentist, #CreepyTony the healer, Kuna guy with the welded rose, Edward Norton look-a-like, first impression rose guy who believes he fell in love at first sight, southern accent, honest about choosing Britt "LoveMan," and some guys who look like they came out of stock photos.  I think there are multiple Ben's and two dudes with kids who's names are something like Skye and Aurora Borealis.  

1 Week To Go!

Dear Readers,

Welcome to my Bachelor Blog!  Here I will post a mash-up of recap and reaction to each drama-packed Bachelor/ette episode, starting with Season 11 of The Bachelorette, starring possibly Kaitlyn and possibly Britt!  I am 100% #TeamKaitlyn, so if the 25 men choose fake-crier Britt by putting more roses in her custom rose-shaped-hole-in-the-lid box (seriously), this blog may cease to exist.

We may have seven days until the premiere, but ABC has released the suitors, so get your brackets ready!  The 25 guys span 10 years of age, 22 different names, and two countries (thanks, Canada!).  And the winner for the best (worst?) occupation goes to that Canadian: Shawn E., the amateur sex coach!  Sex coach would be one thing (I mean, we know love guru is an occupation thanks to Chris and Carly's super awkward date last season), but the "amateur" part sounds suspect.

Most of the guys are, shockingly, relatively good-looking white dudes.  A number of them look to be pretty buff, too, so get ready for lots of shirtless scenes!

Stock up on some wine, and I'll see you next week as we judge 25 attempts at charming entrances!