Becca rolls the dice on love

It's "Vegas, baby!" a dozen guys say, before we hear voice overs of the most uninspiring gambling-related puns (eg "roll the dice on love!")

Colton has the first date this week, and Becca takes him to ride camels in the desert, only to find a hot tub set up in the middle of nowhere.  They talk about how they've already overcome so much and then make-out a lot.  During the evening portion, they discuss Colton's past relationship where he fell hard, said "I love you" super early, and then she broke up with him.  He was heartbroken but now takes love seriously or something.  Becca seems to like this little speech and gives him a rose and more kisses.  They end the date riding a tour bus around Vegas, drinking champagne, while a lit-up billboard instructs Colton to "Kiss Her." This sign is strategically placed so the rest of the guys can see it from their hotel room.

The group date this week takes Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris to a fancy estate with "nice horsies."  Mr. Wayne Newton rides up on a horse, gives them a tour of his house, and sings "Danke Schoen" to his wife.  Turns out, they all get to write love songs to Becca to the tune of Danke Schoen.  And that's not all, they get to preform those songs in front of a Vegas audience.  They are all pretty awful, but awfully good sports about it.

That evening, it's a pretty low key after-group-date-party.  Chris is feeling confident since he was the arguably the best performer- he got off the stage and really worked the crowd.  However, the evening comes and goes and he gets no one-on-one time with Becca.  Blake gets the group date rose after admitting to be falling in love with Becca.  Chris starts to spiral and mutters about leaving.

Next, to no one's surprise, there is the dreaded two-on-one date with, you guessed it, David and Jordan.  Both are overly confident and David really can't help himself poke at Jordan.  Colton has to hang out with the two of them during the group date, and he tells them they're acting like rams trying to push the other off a mountain, but if they can't focus on Becca during the date, they'll both fall off the mountain.  You know they aren't going to take his advice.  They meet Becca in the desert where she takes them in a jeep to a  site very reminiscent of the epic Ashley I - Kelsey 2-on-1 in the Badlands where Chris Soules left them both in the desert.  Becca and David chat first, and he immediately goes into a speech about Jordan being there for the wrong reasons and settling for Becca and how he's still thinking about other girls and models he wants to get with.  David thinks this went well and feels like he's totally ended the "golden underpants clown."  Becca pulls Jordan aside and confronts him about what David said.  He denies everything, of course, and when it doesn't seem like Becca is quite believing him, goes "I'll tell you right off rip" and goes into a yell-talk-monologue about his rough childhood, which, granted, sounds rough (poverty, parent with mental illness, etc), but it really wasn't the best way to deliver that news.  Anyway, Jordan is riled up and goes back to yell at David.  "You've been a little bitch rat-ass *bleep*" he shouts while David lounges and touts his honesty.  Becca comes to sit with them.  Jordan is pissed because David told Becca he said the "most hurtful thing you could say to a woman on this planet," that being that he's settling, and while that's pretty hurtful, I think there's a lot worse.  Becca feels like she's back in sixth grade and leaves them to argue at each other while she collects her thoughts.  It's pretty clear she was planning to pull a Chris and leave them both in the desert, but Jordan shared a sob story, which practically requires he get to stick around.  So Becca takes Jordan off in the Jeep, and only David is left in the desert.

Jordan is smug as heck; "Why did the chicken cross the road?" he posits, "to get buried in the fucking desert.  He ran his beat too much and got his head chopped off."  Back at the hotel, the men groan when David's suitcase is taken away.  They aren't surprised, but are bummed David couldn't stop egging Jordan on.  Jordan and Becca go have dinner, where Jordan goes on and on about modelling.  We do find out that "unfortunately, uh, Zoolander is extremely accurate."  So that's something.  Though Jordan is "not really, like, an average model."  Ok.  Jordan kisses her suddenly and she is not into it.  Jordan does not get the rose.  He's annoyed because he "was vulnerable and got no reward" and doesn't understand why Becca doesn't want him considering he "can speak" and "can walk" which is not that impressive, Jordan.  Becca watched fireworks alone with the rose and the rest of the guys cheer when Jordan's suitcase is picked up.

And just when you thought the main drama was over, we get a cocktail party featuring a full-on-panic-mode Chris.  The other guys have noticed he's cracking, and somehow, during the two-on-one date, she heard about Chris considering leaving.  She pulls him aside first to ask him about it.  He doesn't start his answer off well.  "I think you owe me like 50,000 kisses right now," Chris says, to which Becca rightfully responds, "owe?!?"  They start kind of arguing, so Becca walks away.  Later, Chris interrupts Becca's time with Wills as asks if he can steal her for a sec.  Becca says no.  Chris turns to Wills to ask for some time, who graciously gives him two minutes.  Will hovers nearby as Chris tries to salvage his image.  After two minutes, Wills returns and Chris is not done.  "This is, like, legitimately serious.  I can't get, like, a couple more minutes?"  Wills simply says "No."  Becca has to send him away so she can go back to kissing Wills.  When Wills returns to the group of men inside (with a hilarious "sup, baby" to Chris), Chris tries to get into an argument with him, but the other guys all defend Wills and Chris is not happy.  He does get to talk to Becca one more time and has a whole speech about falling for her or something- I am so done with him I really couldn't bring myself to pay attention to his last ditch effort to stay.  Chris Harrison collects Becca, and the guys assemble by a pool for the rose ceremony.  Only John doesn't get a rose and everyone is super bummed.  I'm actually legitimately surprised- I had already half written down John's name in my notes while Chris Harrison was announcing the final rose when Becca said Chris.  John is "certainly bummed about it."

During the credits we get some B-roll of Jordan getting a facial and talking about, what else, himself:
"Being handsome is great.  Uh, but being handsome doesn't get the job done.  It's all about, you know, skin care, hair care, uh, clothing, what to wear for occasions..."  ugh, good riddance Mr. Model.

Becca and "the best looking guy in the house"

We start this week's episode still in last week's episode.  The cocktail party is in full swing- Blake and Becca talk about how many kids they want and that they want to name their daughters traditionally boys' names.  The gentlemen give a toast to David who is still in the hospital while Jordan sulks in the corner.  He goes to chat with Becca who gives him gold shot-shorts and calls him Captain Underpants.  Coincidentally (but not actually because the producers of this show have figured out bad timing after a million seasons of this thing), David returns while Jordan is with Becca who immediately wants to go say hi.  David looks pretty busted up, but everyone is happy he's back.  Except Jordan, of course, who has a nice little monologue about how David is trying to save face but "has no face to save" and that he, Jordan, is "one of the better looking guys in the house.  Some of the guys think [he's] the best looking guy in the house."  Ugh, someone needs to knock this guy down a few pegs.  Jordan goes on to say he's pretty confident about getting a rose 'cause he's super hot and David's face: "it's just a Picasso.  You know, the clock's over here, the beach is there."  Jordan is confusing Picasso with Dali and I don't know why I'm surprised the male model isn't good with art history that even I, a scientist who's avoided the humanities, knows.  Much to Jordan's dismay, Becca gives David a rose and tells him to go rest and that he doesn't have to sit through the rose ceremony.  Jordan is so confident and, like the best, he rants at everyone about how he's Captain Underpants, and he is reaaaallllly letting David get into his head.  Anyway, the rose ceremony happens; Nick is wearing a track suit for some reason, and Ryan and Mike go home.  No one has heard Ryan or Mike speak this whole season, so, no surprises there.

UTAH!

Time to leave LA!  We jump right into the dates.  Garrett gets the first one-on-one date.  They wander around Park City doing cute touristy things before taking a gondola up a mountain to go bobsledding with some actual Olympians: Valerie and Shauna are not only 2006 Olympic Silver medalists, but they're married, so I guess this date activity is a metaphor for love, too.  Looks intense and fun and Becca and Garrett get champagne and a make-out session at the end.

Back at the house, we learn that Lincoln is a flat-earther and luckily the rest of the guys are as bewildered at his stupidity as the rest of us.  There's hope for some of them yet.

Back to Becca and Garrett.  In the evening portion of the date, Becca ask's about Garrett's past relationships.  Turns out, Garrett was married and "one thing led to another, and we got divorced."  What, what?  When I say "one thing led to another" it's more like, there were free tequila shots and "one thing led to another and" I puked or, I was watching The Bachelorette and "one thing led to another and" I drank a whole bottle of rosé.  Divorce maybe needs slightly more of an explanation.  Garrett blames the whole thing on the girl, and Becca claims to be concerned, but also she finds Garrett, like, so cute, so he gets the rose.  Oh, and a country concert where they dance and kiss on a little stage while Bachelor fans take pictures and ignore the country artist we've never heard of.

Group date time!  Thirteen of the dudes still left get to compete in a lumberjack competition.  They don matching flannel and throw logs around.  But that evening, the drama begins.  We get two dramatic story lines!  First off, Jordan is pissing the guys off, but it's not David this time that gets riled up.  Chris and Colton pull Jordan aside to confront him about not being here for the right reasons.  As all of these confrontations go, it is not remotely productive.  They call each other names and nothing is resolved.  Then Jean Blanc spirals.  He's clearly very insecure and decides to give Becca a perfume named "Miss Becca Blanc", plant a kiss on her, and proclaim falling in love.  Hooooo boy is it awkward.  And it only gets worse.  Becca tells him she's just not feeling it and starts to walk him out.  He stops her to throw a hail mary and claim he didn't really mean the falling in love thing and that he was just saying what he though she wanted him to say.  She was rightfully taken aback, so he tries to take that back too... She cancels the rest of the night.

Wills gets the second one-on-one this week.  Becca is still distracted by the whole Jean Blanc debacle, but Wills is a total sweetheart and they snowmobile and drink champagne in the snow, and it's super sweet.

As per usual around this time of the season, Becca cancels the cocktail party and they all go straight to the rose ceremony.  Everyone blames Jean Blanc.  Christen and Nick fail to get roses.  Jordan is pissed because he got the last rose and he's never gotten last place in anything before.  In fact, he beats out other male models all the time.  He leaves us with this nonsense: "I'm like a sponge.  You can squeeze me and get everything out of me but you'll never know unless you try."  Good grief.

Becca and "a professional football player and a bunch of chumps"

It's a rainy day in LA when we begin this episode.  Colton is moody because of the he dated Tia situation.  David is still complaining about Jordan and how he spends his days putting together outfits.  Jordan complains about how David spends all day cooking eggs and trying to get under Jordan's skin.  Jordan claims not to fee threatened, but he sure lets David get under his skin anyway.

Group date #1 or "Cheers to being a bitch"

The first date of the episode takes Wills, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, Colton, and Jason to a spa.  But surprise!  They aren't getting pampered, they're pampering Becca's friends, aka fellow contestants from Arie's season.  Kendall, Caroline, Bekah M, Sienne, and *drumroll* Tia are there.  Becca introduces them (though Colton and Tia need no introduction), and Becca forgets Jason's name (but he gets some smooches later, so it's ok).  While the girls AND the guys all get their fingernails painted, Becca and Tia step out to chat about the Colton situation.  Tia tells Becca the most they did was kiss, and sure he may have thought Tia would be The Bachelorette, but Tia hopes he's there for Becca.  I mean, Tia actually hoped she would be in Becca's shoes right now, but being cooperative now means more screen time for her and probably a good BIP placement.

For the evening portion of the date, we've mostly moved on from caring about the Colton-Tia drama, and instead get some excellent model vs chicken drama.  David just can't help himself from picking fights with Jordan, who we find out got 4,000 matches on Tinder in 2017 (which he claims was 100% a successful match rate).  David decides to tell Becca this, who thinks it's kind of funny and gives Jordan a sarcastic high-five.  Jordan call's David a bitch and goes to talk to Becca.  He gives her an awkward hug and tells her he's like a golden retriever in relationships.  Both Jordan and David think they've come out on top.  David keeps egging Jordan on who's decided to not talk to him.  David asks what look he's getting now:  "is this pensive?  Is this Clint Eastwood?"  Jordan finally breaks and rants about how good a model he is and how "attached to [him] is professionality.  It's [his] face."  The other guys are trying really hard not to laugh.

The date ends after Becca chats with Colton, who tells her he's there for her.  She believes him, kisses him, and gives him the group date rose.  Jordan is pissed because he thinks David lost him the rose and says, "karma is karma.  People who go up against me end up getting hurt sometimes."  I don't think Jordan knows what karma is.

1-on-1 Date: "You brought out my smile on a rainy day"

Chris gets the one one-on-one date this week.  Becca brings him to Capitol Records, where Richard Marx (a Grammy-winning artist, as they tell us multiple times) is waiting to help them write a love song together.  Chris is very uncomfortable with writing down his feelings.  Not 'cause he's a man and men suck at feelings, but because last time he tried to be vulnerable and write down his feelings, it was to try to reconnect with his dad who left his mom/him/sisters when he was 7, he never got a response and it was rough.  Becca gives him a pep talk and a kiss, and he writes a sweet emotional poem.  Richard Marx puts what they wrote to music and they make-out and dance to the song.

That evening, Chris tells Becca about the whole dad-letter thing and he gets the rose.  They then get a private concert by, you guessed it, Richard Marx, where they dance and make-out in front of him for the second time that day.

"There was an incident at the house last night."

Back at the mansion, David and Jordan are at it again.  Jordan, despite getting worked up about David every time, still thinks he's winning here, especially since he "talk[s] to God every day, and God know, if Jordan's got an issue with someone, phew, 86 him."  And I don't think that's how God works?  Though maybe I'm wrong, because that night, David falls off his bunk-bed onto his face and there was a lot of blood and he had to be taken away to intensive care.  Most of the guys are pretty shaken up about it.  Jordan thinks it's a good time to make jokes.  Chris Harrison visits Becca to let her know what happened, and she calls David to say hi.

Group date #2 or "It's gonna be some pretty bad football"

For the other group date this week, Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, and Blake get brought to a football field where a couple of women from the Legends Football League run them through drills.  Clay, the professional football player, aces them.  Lincoln, not so much.  Then, of course, they split the men into teams and play a game in front of the most female dominated football crowd ever.  They play some football, Clay singlehandedly keeping his team from losing (they tie), but breaks his wrist while doing so.  He's taken off in an ambulance and the rest of the guys join Becca at an antique shop for evening drinks.

Becca chats with some of the men, kiss a few, and then is surprised by Clay returning!  Much to the rest of the guys' dismay, Clay gets the group date rose.

"I got hurt playing football on The Bachelorette"

Time for the cocktail party.  The main thing that happened here, is that Clay decides to leave.  He needs surgery for his wrist, and kind of needs to focus on healing to be able to do his job (ie play football).  Becca's bummed, Clay's sad, but knows he's making the right decision.  Then the episode just ends.  No cliffhanger, really, except the previews tell us David comes back for the rose ceremony and his face doesn't look too good (they don't show us his face though).  Pretty anticlimactic, really.

Becca and "it's ingenuinity"

We again start the episode with Becca talking about Arie, this time voiced over her biking in LA rather than wandering in snowy MN.

Group Date #1: Obstacle Course inspired by marriage clichés
For the first date of the season, Clay, Nick, Chris (inexplicably called Chris R. even though he's the only Chris this season), David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln meet up with Becca at some place called Saddlerock Ranch.  There are tuxedos and champagne waiting and Becca awkwardly spins around while they all change.  Jordan decides to show off his modeling and gives Becca some confidence, telling her to "put the confidence on" before her pantyhose.

All dressed up, Becca leads the guys to a field where Rachel and Bryan are waiting to introduce them to "Groom's Day," a silly obstacle course with obstacles:

• ball and chain (literally drag a heavy ball on a chain)
• cold feet (sit in an ice bath for the length of an egg timer)
• slippery slope (climb up a greasy staircase)
• get over your exes (climb through some wooden X's, grab a bouquet, and put it in a bucket vase)
• cake tasting (dig through a cake without using hands to find a ring)
• race to the altar (run to propose to Becca)

Lincoln takes an early lead, mainly because he cheated on the cold feet part, if you ask any of the other guys.  He wins and gets photo with Becca.  That evening, he steals Becca first because they're married and they got married and married married married.  Lincoln tells Becca she brings out the best in him.  She asks why and he just says he's comfortable around her.  She kisses him and gives him a framed photo from the date.  He's thrilled.  Like, way too thrilled.  He says, and you can't make this shit up, "Kissing Becca is like flying to the moon on the wings of a pegasus while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold" and dude needs to pump on the brakes a bit.  Anyway, Lincoln rejoins the other guys, displaying his photo next to the group date rose.  Other guys are not thrilled.  Becca chats with some of the guys while Connor gets more an more agitated about Lincoln's photo to the point that he throws it out the window.  Becca has her last drama-free moment of the season kissing Jean Blanc before Lincoln brings photogate to her attention.  Sure, what Connor did was pretty shitty, but Lincoln hams it the fuck up, saying he feels threatened physically and says he's heartbroken and also cries.  I'm all for men showing emotions, but Lincoln is a bit extra.  Becca confronts Connor who stumbles through explaining why he did it.  Becca says she wants a guy who respects other people and stuff and Connor is embarrassed.  Jean Blanc gets the Group Date Rose and they all go home.

The next morning, Lincoln is telling the other guys about photogate and starts sobbing.  Jordan thinks this shows "ingenuinity."  Male models don't need to learn stuff good, I guess.

One-on-One Date: Were you guys aware that Becca has a Ex?
Blake gets the one-on-one date this week.  They take a limo to an abandoned looking warehouse where Chris Harrison is waiting with a sledgehammer.  Their date involves smashing things from Becca and Arie's relationship: a race car, champagne, monitors showing the proposal, and even the couch that Arie broke up with Becca on.  Oh, and Lil John is going to serenade them with "Turn down for what" peppered with some lyrics about Arie.

Their evening portion is pretty bland: they have a nice conversation; Blake gets the rose, a kiss, and a steamy make-out session in an alley.

Group Date #2: Any excuse to make the guys wear short-shorts
Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Christon, Trent, Leo, Wills, and Colton get picked up in a yellow school bus for their date.  They roll up to a school where Becca greets them and introduces them to their trainers: three kids.  Three kids who just verbally abuse them while they run around the gym and practice being pummeled with dodgeball.  "Trash!" one kid yells at them, "Do you think Becca wants trash!?"  It's pretty great, actually.  They scrimmage.  The team with Becca decides the best strategy is to hide being Becca since the other guys are hesitant to hurt her.  Christon give zero fucks and just pelts her with the balls.  This is not all just for good fun: the guys are going to compete in front of an audience of screaming Bachelor fans.  It's Neon Pink vs the Green Frogs.  The Green Frogs dominate, but it's close, thanks only to Leo, who singlehandedly wins won and almost wins the other two as well.

That evening, the winners jokingly ask if they need to hide the trophy.  Becca chats with each of them, and since they won't fight each other to make this date exciting, someone has to tell Becca something dramatic... and that someone is Colton.  Turns out, he spent a weekend with Tia (Becca's friend and Arie's fourth runner up).  This makes Becca "feel a little bit sick."  She's mostly annoyed because Colton is super hot and she was hoping to keep him around until the fantasy suites and now she has to worry about her friend's feelings.  Becca gives Wills the group date rose and goes to sulk pensively in the dark.

Cocktail Party, or, "We have a naked male model"
Becca has some nice moments with some of the guys, but the night is basically all about Jordan, who decides to come out wearing just some boxer briefs, knowing full well it will put a target on his back. He says "tick tock, let's make it rock," and I really have no idea what he meant by that.  He interrupts Becca and David chatting, so David is going to be the one taking the fall for complaining about Jordan not being here for the right reasons in some future episode for sure.

"I don't want you to misinterpret me as some guy thats, like, 007 all the time," Jordan monologues at Becca, "'cause I'm not.  There's a lot to me.  I'm really wild, I'm very spontaneous, I like to speed."  Jordan goes on to say he likes to live life on the edge but "like a gentleman" as his hair will be "well-kept."  He then loses me on some tangent about wanting a mini-me he can call Jordy who will sit on his shoulder and what, now?  Meanwhile, David is pissed and confronts Jordan when he returns.  He asks is he's more than a model, and Jordan doesn't really have an answer to that.  He does tell the camera that if they took an IQ test, he'd "pass it [...] a little higher than you think a male model would," which is not very high Jordan, so, not too impressive there.  David says he hopes Becca sees the"'ingenuine " side of Jordan, and Jordan responds with "it's ingenuinity," and someone buy these boys a dictionary.

So anyway, Jordan wears a pink blanky to the rose ceremony and claims showing his fashion and skin should guarantee him a rose.  That, and he's one of less than 100 Wilhelmina Male Models in the US, which is supposed to be impressive, I guess.  He somehow gets a rose, and Becca sends Rickey, Trent, and Alex home, who we barely know.