"Are there any ocular facts that her and I dated?"

Chris Harrison starts this episode with jokes about extra security due to this particular group of men, as if anyone's forgotten Chad.  He then decides to show a montage of "memorable" MTA moments, mostly of Bachelorettes not taking shit from the men, but also Kaitlyn addressing online bullying and the one season where the villains were just two guys who were super close friends and the other guys were upset that they hung out in a hot tub together.  And the most "memorable" MTA moment, according to ABC, wasn't really a MTA moment but a gimmick where they did a live ultrasound to discover the sex of JP and Ashley's baby.  Then they introduce the men and give a little recap of the season and all its drama.

First drama to revisit: the Blake vs Lucas crap, which thankfully they realized no one wanted to talk about (Adam said Lucas should have said wha-boom once and then "wha-bye") , so we quickly pivot to DeMario.  DeMario decides to double down on his barely know Lexi, said she's a side-chick and demanded someone show him an "ocular fact" proving they were a thing.  No one's really buying it, and he tries to make a Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky parallel which made no sense at all.  Jamey pipes up for some reason and DeMario tells him he's irrelevant (which is true) and then Iggy chimes in so I guess we're addressing him now.  Rather than apologizing for stirring shit up, he also doubles down and says he'd do it all again.  Lucas calls Iggy a joke to which everyone else are like, dude, wha-boom, you of all people can't call someone a joke.

But now for the main event: Kenny and Lee.  Dean says that Kenny was probably the most well-liked guy in the house, and Lee, was, well, not very liked, so that should tell you something.  Dean is very good at saying everything but the word "racist" when talking about Lee.  DeMario says Lee was cool to him before he left, and the other guys said, yeah, they all thought he was cool too until he started antagonizing the black guys.  Kenny said it didn't feel like racism in the moment but more like Lee felt out of his league and was getting defensive and lashing out.  At this point, Chris Harrison calls Kenny up to the hotseat.  Kenny says that the Lee situation got in the way of his and Rachel's developing relationship.  After some more back and forth with Lee, Chris Harrison brings out Kenny's daughter who, when asked if she's proud of her dad, replies "yeah I'm proud of you.  You were like number 8."  Kenny gets choked up and Chris Harrison says they're sending them to Disneyland (which is less impressive when you realize Disney owns ABC).

Lee gets a turn in the hot seat next, and it's pretty clear he planned a sort of apology about not being a considerate friend to the guys in the house, but the guys aren't having it.  Chris Harrison brings up some of Lee's tweet, who claims they were bad jokes or something and he's sorry if he hurt someone, but he's hurt too (?).  This goes on for a while, and eventually they get Lee to denounce that one tweet as racist (which is literally the least he could do) and the guys say they appreciate it and that they'd be happy to help him become a better (ie less racist) person.  It's unclear whether any progress was actually made here with Lee, but Chris Harrison seemed pleased with himself, so there's that.

Next, Dean gets a turn at the hot seat and he is wearing an awful camo-print tux jacket and says how he was glad to have opened a door with his dad and that he still wants to know why Rachel said she was falling in love with him just to send him home.  Rachel comes out to the hot seat, so Dean gets to ask her, and she pretty much gave the same response as before: she was falling for him and sorry.  Chris asks Rachel about DeMario and she says "who?" Lee tries to apologize and Rachel sort of accepts- says she'd be happy to give him a lesson in black history and women's rights and that she hopes he's taken advantage of the opportunity to meet a bunch of great guys who are different than him.  Adam asks if she'd do anything differently, and Rachel said spend more time with him and Matt, to which Matt says, nah, you did the right thing.  Fred gives an incredibly rehearsed speech that started out like he was mad at her for not giving him a chance even though he already had feelings for her but ended with I'm glad you're happy, which was a weird 180.  Kenny tells Rachel she has his number if Peter, Eric, or Bryan don't work out.

Then we get bloopers, which they always heavily promote as the best and are mostly lame.  We did get an interview with Dean where he puts his chewing gum behind his ear, and when his interviewer was like wtf, he puts it back in his mouth and swallows it.  It's weird, yet the ladies still love him.

And that's it for these men!  Well, unless they are on Bachelor in Paradise, in which case they have another shot at embarrassing themselves on national television.

The Men bitch about Chad episode

Also known as Men Tell All, this year's show was, you guessed it, all about the Chad.  Chris Harrison tried to start with the Derek and Alex drama that everyone forgot about, but the second someone mentioned Chad's name, the men start going off.  Wells is Mr. Psychiatrist this season, and says that they should talk about Chad without him there and CUT TO Chad and a meat plate waiting behind scenes.

When Chad finally comes out, it's everything you expected and so much more.  Between explaining how he hooked up with both Grant and Robby's exes (calling Grant Darryl for some inexplicable reason) and mocking the rest of them for falling for JoJo immediately, and when not talking about JoJo, talking about him, Chad actually was pretty perceptive about the guys on this show.  But that doesn't change the fact that he's a huge douchebag.  The guy who dressed up as Santa night one decided to challenge Chad to a fight, but Chad laughed and said "good luck on the airtime there, Santa," and refused to fight him on account of his dress shoes.  Derek's up next on the argue with Chad train, and Chad dismisses him with a "your pocket square doesn't match your shirt."

Chris Harrison inquires about Chad's threats to find Jordan at home after the show was over, and Chad said, "maybe I was going to bring him candy."  Moving on to the next issue, they re-examine the Evan's ripped shirt fiasco.  We rematch the scene in slo-mo and it actually kind of looks like Evan pushed Chad first.  Basically, no one really cares about Evan, dick doctor.  Wells tries to analyze the whole situation, dropping a Lord of the Flies reference (they Piggy'd Chad) that most likely confused most of the other men.  Chad's interview ends with him saying "sometimes you chose apples when you should have chose pickles, if you know what I mean," and no, Chad, no one knows what you mean.

Anyway, the rest of the show tries to be about the actual Bachelorette and they bring Luke and Chase up to get closure with JoJo/further their auditions for the next Bachelor.  And just in case you forgot about him, Chad decide to wish JoJo all the best, even though her final two are liars and cheats and there for the wrong reasons.  JoJo refuses to respond saying that that's what Chad wants, attention, and she won't indulge him.  The other guys love this and give her a standing ovation.

Then, we have a surprise guest in the audience: Vinny's mom is there to tell JoJo she picked wrong and her son is the best.  Next, there's the blooper reel, which this year mostly consisted of JoJo being surprised by animals and insects and men breaking glasses.  Lastly, there's the preview for the finale and it promises a lot of JoJo crying.

"Inside, I'm crying right now" -Chris Harrison

It's time to recap Men Tell All, the show where dudes who "lost" a reality dating show bitch about it for a couple hours and the audience at home get to see the who's who of who's that while Chris Harrison earns his paycheck.

Oh, but first we spend 10 minutes on Bachelor in Paradise which will pretty much be Chris's season of girls and recent Kaitlyn rejects plus Claire (because she just can't get enough ocean sex).  There promises to be lots of ugly crying and Ashley S. making friends with the birds.

To start things off, we recap Kaitlyn's season thus far and everyone's embarrassed.  Tanner immediately jumps on Ian being an asshole with a nice little soliloquy of how everyone else will be bros4lyfe but not introverted-reads-books-Ian, so Ian takes off his jacket and strolls onto the floor as if he's giving a TedTalk.

We get these lovely faces from Chris Harrison.

He apologizes to everyone and their mom and everyone at least puts on a show of forgiving him so we can jump on the next person to attack!  Who's up next?  Oh right, Clint.  JJ defends their "intellectual curiosity" about each other and chooses some words poorly ("friendship," "hot tub," -air quotes added by JJ- deep, and meat come to mind) and then Kupah jumps in to change topics to Nick and how Kaitlyn should have spared them all the "agony of [...] helicopter rides" or whatever and can I just point out that you had already left the show in pretty bad form when Nick showed up PLUS you voted for Britt?

Unnecessary picture of Kupah, except does he even know how a tie works?

Back to Clint and JJ.  Chris Harrison pulls JJ into the hot seat to talk about his "journey" with Kaitlyn only to recap the Clint and JJ situation again and chat about that.  And through all of this, Corey with an 'E'," whoever that is, chimes in a LOT.  And I mean A LOT.  And he has some preeeetty strong opinions for someone who no one remembers and went home in the 4th Rose Ceremony after having practically no one-on-one time with Kaitlyn.

Let's move onto the people we care about:

• Ben Z. comes up to the hot seat to admit he still hasn't cried.
• Jared is embarrassed about his LoveMan intro which made me like him better until I remembered the Bachelor in Paradise preview.  At least he shaved his patchy beard- something even Chris Harrison called him out on.
• Ben H. fist bumps with Chris and how is he not going to be the next Bachelor?  Also, how is Ben H. that mature and articulate?  I know approximately zero 26 year old guys who could pull off any of Ben H.'s speeches.

  

  I mean, look at that face!

Kaitlyn shows up and we start her segment with a PSA on cyber bullying, which gets lots of amazed/appalled reactions so I'm glad Chris Harrison decided to bring it up.  This kind of online harassment is unfortunately far too common for any female in the public eye or on the internet who give off any remotely feminist vibes (if you don't believe me, just read the comments section of videos of female stars.  Actually don't, because it will make you hate everyone).

What the hell is wrong with these people, anyway?  Did someone hurt them? Do they wake up in the morning and think, hey, today seems like a great day to spew hatred on the internet to people I don't even know?  Like if you hate Kaitlyn so much, why are you watching a show centered around her?  And the backlash pretty much all centered on her being a "slut" or a "whore."  She had sex with a few guys she was dating, AND OMG THE WORLD IS GOING TO END.  OR maybe it's just her life and her decision and who cares.  Seriously.  Sure, you may think she's shallow or made some bad decisions, but they are her decisions that she made for herself and not for you (or you, Corey, so please shut up).

Do you have to audition to be in the MTA audience?
Like send in videos of yourself overreacting to everything?

The guys give Kaitlyn a standing ovation of support and then they ask her some questions.  She shuts down the judging of the Nick Situation with a "you try dating this many people and not make a mistake and have it televised" which is kind of a good point and also, this would be a boring show if no one made mistakes.  Ian apologizes again and drunk, horned up Ryan from the first night apologizes and Kaitlyn makes a gay joke about JJ and Clint and are we still on that?  Corey probably said 18 thousand things.

Then we get bloopers which is predominantly Kaitlyn being scared shitless of various birds plus a bonus clip of Amy Shumer hating on JJ.  Then Joe comes at her with a bird mask and everyone is like "you have bird tattoos!!!" Kaitlyn says that she can't see them which doesn't explain anything.

I'll just leave this right here.

Notable folks we didn't really hear from: Chris/Cupcake, Creepy Tony, and Joe, most likely because Corey would not shut the hell up.  Also, no one brought up Kupah's exit, though if were were to talk about one alcohol-induced exit, Ryan's was the better choice.  Also, no Britt/Brody update, though that's probably because they broke up ages ago and ABC realized that people just don't care.