"I wasn't hiding in my room, I was investing in myself."

"Did you guys go to the beach?" Dad asked, arriving home from work on a hot, summer's day.
"We rode bikes!" his children replied as a chorus.

Wait, I got that wrong.  Let's start over.

"Did you guys go to the beach?" Arie asked, arriving at a hotel to pick up one of his 13 girlfriends for a date.
"We rode bikes!" 13 twenty-something girls replied as a chorus.

"I'm on a dreamboat, but I'm also with a dreamboat!"

Arie and his girls are now in Fort Lauderdale.  Chelsea gets the first one-on-one date this week and they go yachting and jet skiing, conveniently in view of a telescope on the balcony of where they are all staying.  The other girls get the opportunity of seeing Chelsea straddle Arie on a jet ski and make-out with him, which seems incredibly unsafe.  In the evening portion, surrounded by a bunch of old cars for some reason, they talk about Chelsea's ex, aka the father of her kid who left her when the kid was 6 months old and is now married and has a kid with the other woman.  It's sad and Arie gives her the rose.  They then just happen to wander over to where some band called Tenille Arts is playing for them.

"Hurricane Krystal"

For the group date this week, Arie takes 11 of the girls bowling.  Which was going fine until they threw in a competition.  Per usual, the winners of said competition would get to go to the evening portion of the date.  And per usual, the lead invited the losers anyway.  Pretty standard Bachelor storyline, which would be nothing to talk about, except other seasons did not have Krystal.  Krystal is on the winning team and is absolutely furious that Arie invited the losers.  She apparently throws a fit on the bus ride back to the hotel (transportation is apparently not recorded), and everyone is pissed while preparing for their evening with Arie, none more so than Krystal, who straight up refuses to join the after party.  Many of the girls comment that they don't want this day to be all about Krystal, yet none of them stop talking about her.

The group date girls minus Krystal join Arie at the hotel bar, I guess, for the evening.  He doesn't even notice Krystal isn't there, and some girl immediately points it out.  So much for not making this date about Krystal.  Arie, being a gentleman, goes upstairs to check on Krystal.  She kind of whines at him about feeling hurt and he lectures her and puts her in time-out before returning to the other girls.  We get to see Arie talk to four of the girls:

• Kendall tells Arie about her past relationships and says that this on is different because the process is making her take things slower, which is completely baffling considering this show requires you to go from strangers to engaged after spending like 3 days worth of 1-on-1 time with someone spread over 10 weeks.
• Arie is still scared of Bekah M, but mostly just wants to keep kissing her.
• Arie takes Becca K into his room and presumably talks to her, but we just see them make-out.
• Lauren B, whose favorite color is burgundy and likes her coffee with coconut milk calls Arie basic for taking his coffee with cream and sugar.  Sure, LB.

During all this, Krystal decides to make an appearance right as Bekah M is mocking her voice.  The girls grill her for a while, and she ends up leaving without seeing Arie.  Arie gives Lauren B the group date rose and that's that.

"I've been waiting for you to push me against something."

Tia gets the second one-on-one date this week, and because ABC doesn't believe in stereotyping, she and Arie go to a swamp and eat fried things.  They go to an "old nautical antique place" for dinner where Tia told Arie she was falling in love with him despite not being able to make eye contact.  This gets her the rose.  We learn a couple of things about Tia on this date: she has a doctorate in physical therapy, she goes frogging, and he definitely watched Emily's season of The Bachelorette.

"That was glitter.  Glitter."

Three things of note happen at the cocktail party:

1. Kendall has a book of 100 questions she's compiled to get to know someone.  Arie picks 99, which is, essentially, given some circumstance, would you eat human flesh?  Arie's a no, and Kendall (the taxidermy collector who thinks the Bachelor process is taking it slow), is a yes.  Yet she still makes more sense than Jenna, whom I have yet to hear one coherent sentence from this season.
2.  Jaqueline is a contestant on this season.  She's pretty and I'm pretty sure just showed up tonight.
3. Krystal talks to some of the girls and says she feels hurt like seventy thousand times.  No one has a successful conversation with her, and Bekah M shows her age by relentlessly mocking her voice.  She does talk with Arie, who seems to be over her.  She tries to explain her actions with some story about growing up in a bowling alley and that's somehow related to her trust issues and why she threw a fit on the group date.  She also tries to be cute and tells Arie this is their first fight.  "It could be our last fight," Arie responds, surprising everyone with an interesting line for once.

Time for the rose ceremony.  Krystal gets the last rose, annoying everyone who seem to forget that villains must stick around for dramatic two-on-one dates, and we have yet to have one of those.  Girls we lost this week: Maquel, who was flown out to be flown home, plus Marikh and Ashley, because we know a white girl's gonna win this thing, so why keep up pretenses of diversity?

The credits rolled over Arie being grilled by a team of bowling grandmas who were suuuuuper into the fantasy suites.

"Because I need a wife"

The opening shot (after all the preview footage of girls being dramatic and looking shocked, of course), was Bekah M. jumping into the pool at the mansion and swimming and brooding alone.  The other girls are shown inside musing about Arie and Beech's 14 year age difference and whether or not that matters.

Chris Harrison shows up to agonizingly slowly tell the girls that they're leaving LA and headed to South Lake Tahoe.  Arie is excited that there's "a lot of outdoor stuff" here, "which is cool," as if LA is just a giant building.

Sienne gets the first date card.  They go parasailing, drink champagne on a beach, kiss, and then have dinner in a private room at the Hard Rock Cafe.  She gets the rose, which is good because otherwise a large crowd of Bachelor Fans wouldn't get to swoon and ignore the random band ABC hired that no one's heard about before.

The group date brings everyone except Sienne and Bekah (who get one on one dates this week), and Maquel (who went home since her grandpa died) on a survival training hike.  Their coaches are Mikel Hawke, a retired Green Beret Combat Commander for the US Special Forces and his wife, Ruth.  They first talk about needing water and the importance of recycling.  All the girls and Arie are given bottle to pee into.  Arie takes the first swig.  Jaqueline almost goes for it, but Arie stops her, saying his was apple juice.  Then they go eat some bugs and are tasked to navigate through the snowy woods.  At the end of the trail is a hot tub and champagne.

The evening portion of the date revolves around Krystal feeling insecure and projecting that insecurity on everyone else.  Especially Tia and Caroline who just can't handle her, and have no poker faces to show otherwise.  Krystal even tries to pull Tia and Caroline aside to talk about it and it is not remotely productive.  Tia ends up getting the group date rose, which just unhinges Krystal that much more.

Time for Bekah's one on one date.  They ride horses and make out in a hot tub.  These scenes are interspersed with different girls chatting about Bekah's age, if she's going to tell Arie, and if he'll send her home.  Arie talks about how he's changed since his late 20s and ready for marriage and then asks if Bekah's ready.  This awkwardly turns into a conversation about Bekah's age.  Arie's response: "Oh my god."  It's a good point that many successful relationships have large age gaps, and being young doesn't necessarily mean immature, and the other girls aren't that much older than Bekah, BUT there is the Standard Creepiness Rule.  And Bekah, Olivia, and Maquel are the only contestants who are below the creepiness line.  And Bekah is the only one who made a big deal about it.  So for everyone defending her age, if she didn't want to be judged, she shouldn't have let production make it a plot line.

Anyway, Arie and Bekah discuss it some more and Bekah more or less pleads for him to let her stay, and his dick Arie gives her the rose.

As is par for the course, there is no cocktail party this week and it's straight to the rose ceremony.  Krystal interrupts Arie before he can give a rose away, and says nothing much of import to Arie in an annoying whisper.  Brittany T and Caroline are sent home.  Caroline goes into the goodbye hug with her heels in her hand.  She was way over it.

"I, like, literally can't watch"

Let's jump right in.  The first date of the episode is a group date.  Maquel, Jaqueline, Lauren B., Tia, Marikh, Bekah M., Bibiana, and Krystal are going to be GLOB, the Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor.  The Bachelor version of GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies of Wresting), with some of the original GLOW - Babe the Farmers Daughter and Little Egypt, who neither I nor any of the girls have ever heard of.  They start to train them in fake, dramatic fighting moves and Arie does the worst somersault I think I've ever seen.  Apparently GLOW is mostly choreographed trash talking, and the pro ladies do the whole thing in character which is fine until one of them is giving Bibiana a hard time and makes fun of her name which seems racist?  Then they yell at Tia and pull her hair, and it was supposed to get the girls in the right mood, but was just uncomfortable to watch.

Anyway, the girls all get personas and silly costumes (Bekah the sex kitten, Maquel the lunch lady, Krystal the cougar, Jaqueline Miss Arkansas, Marikh the gold digger, Lauren B. the prom queen or something in a pink dress, Tia the southern belle, and Bibiana the bridezilla) and then fight, starting with Arie the Kissing Bandit who gets to fight Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King, Vegas wrestler slash contestant on Rachel's season.

That evening, they go to a touristy fancy trailer park place.  Arie tells the ladies he enjoyed watching them and seeing who was friends and who weren't, which is kind of an odd thing to say to eight of your girlfriends.  Krystal steals him off first, much to everyone, especially Bibiana's chagrin.  Bibiana complains about Krystal to anyone who will listen, including Arie, which, is like a Bachelor 101 no-no.  Arie kisses some other girls and gives Bekah M. the group date rose.

The one-on-one this week was with Lauren S.  Arie takes her to Napa where whey drink wine on strategically placed barrels around Hall Winery.  They chit chat and Lauren S. babbles at Arie.  She's nervous and doesn't feel like she's able to be herself and wouldn't give herself the rose if she was in Arie's position.  She's pretty perceptive.  Arie doesn't give her the rose.

A producer walks into the mansion to pick up Lauren S.'s suitcases and the other girls freak out.  Caroline starts crying, and Krystal monologues about how she tried to give Lauren S. advice, which no one appreciated.

Ashley, Becca K., Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, and Annaliese get to meet Bastian, Arie's dog, on the next group date.  In addition to bumper cars, it appears that Annaliese is also afraid of dogs, so I guess she's just going to cry on every date.  The girls learn how to do tricks with dogs and then put on the worst dog show ever, with Chris Harrison and Fred Willard commentating.  That night they go to an old bank where Arie seems to kiss everyone except Annalise.

At the cocktail party, Bibiana sets up a telescope and couch to woo Arie, so of course Arie "stumbles upon" this set up and makes out with like seven other girls on it.  Arie tells Bekah M. she's risky and Bekah M. tells him it's because he knows she doesn't need him.  He doesn't really have a response to that, so he kisses her.  Arie and Tia sit on hay bales and drink moonshine (which "tastes like gasoline in a good way") and make-out.  Annaliese tries to get Arie to kiss her, but it fails.  Later, she just straight up asks Arie if he sees anything with her.  He says no, so she leaves.

The rose ceremony happens, and Bibiana joins Lauren S. and Annaliese in going home this week.  She's sad and pissed, but don't worry girl, you're a lock for Bachelor in Paradise.

"I wanna get those pillow-lips"

We begin this episode on a mountain road.  Shoot to Arie.  Leather jacket, salt and pepper hair, pensive gaze, motorcycle.  Arie puts on a helmet and takes off down the dusty road.  Fade to some teenagers adult women giggling about how nice Arie's eyes are.  Chris Harrison enters stage right.  "The hope is that one of you will become Arie's wife," he proclaims, pulling out a date card to squeals of women who can't wait to promote sugar bear hair and fit tea on Instagram get to know this bad ass handsome Bachelor a little better.

Ok, enough of that.  

The Princess Date

Arie rolls up to pick up Becca K, who gets the first 1-on-1 date of the season.   The rest of the girls are jealous, but Debbie Downer Krystal's dad got hurt on a motorcycle and she knows of people who have died and lost body parts.

Arie takes Becca to a different LA mansion where some designer named Rachel Zoe is going to dress Becca in gowns while Arie eats cupcakes and ogles.  Arie buys all the dresses for Becca, tells her which one she should wear that evening and then gives her some sparkly Louis Vuitton heels.  And if that didn't scream sugar-daddy extravagant, some dude in a suit walks up to them with a briefcase and  tells Arie, "Neil Lane sends his regards."  It's diamond jewelry, of course.  Oh, they also shower each other in compliments, drink champagne, and kiss.  Becca goes back to the mansion and the other girls are all like, I'm not materialistic but LOUIS VUITTONS?  "Oh my god they are gonna get married," says Bibiana, and I sure hope so because Becca is on my Fantasy Bachelor Team.  That evening, they talk about how Becca was in a 7 year on and off relationship and her dad died of brain cancer and she gets to keep the diamond earrings and obviously Arie gives her a rose.  They end the night being showered with large, gold confetti.

The Early Hometown Date

Krystal's name is on the next date card, which says "home is where the heart is."  She meets Arie at an airport where they take a private jet to Scottsdale, AZ so Arie can show her the Pizza Hut he used to work in, his high school, and some awkward home videos.  Next, Arie takes Krystal to meet his parents, brother, and sister-in-law.  They talk about how long Arie's parents have been married and how marriage can be hard but they love each other and have beautiful children, so it's ok.  That evening, Krystal tells Arie about how she comes from a broken home and her brother is homeless and won't let her help.  Arie showers her with compliments and kisses and a rose and takes her to an awkward private concert, where some guy named Connor Duermit sings at them kissing and table full of candles.

After the date, the other girls ask about what she did, and Krystal is not about to talk.  She says the most vague things possible about hanging out in Scottsdale and the girls are annoyed, but not as annoyed as they will be later this week!

The Group Date where Someone Cries and Gets Time with the Lead and Everyone Else Wishes they Thought of That

Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G., Kendall, Bekah M., Jenny, Sienne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, and Chelsea all go on a date together.  It's a demolition derby!  Which actually looks pretty fun, if incredibly dangerous.  Most of the girls are into it and get spray painting their cars with roses and things like "Thx Emily!"  Annaliese, however, is freaking out and in tears.  I'm thinking maybe she had a bad accident or a family member die in car crash, but no, bumper cars traumatized her as a kid.  Everyone has irrational fears, although the demolition derby is literally 15 people trying to crash your car, so that alone I think is ok to scared of.  Arie takes her aside and comforts her and then tries to help her out during the derby, which is sweet.  Jenny thinks it's hilarious and plans to target her, and that's just unnecessary.  Anyway, Chris Harrison and some famous race car driver named Robbie announce the tournament: The Bashelor Demolition Derby.  "Could this be the first time Arie actually wins something on a racetrack?"  Nice one, Chris.  So the derby happens and Sienne is the last car going, so she wins a trophy and milk (because that's a thing).

The After Party (as Arie calls it) is just your average cocktail party with all the girls fretting about getting time with Arie.  "Classic Chelsea" steals Arie away first to tell him about her son.  She tells the other girls that she did this because she's a mom and they don't understand what she's sacrificed, to which Marikh shuts her down with a very polite, no, you don't get special treatment because you're a mom- we all gave something up to come here.  Sienne gets to tell Arie how much smarter she is than him (and it was not lost on Arie: "She went to Yale.  I barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut.").  Bekah M. and Arie talk for about two seconds before kissing for a long time.  It was very uncomfortable to watch.  Meanwhile, Bibiana is throwing a tantrum about not getting time with Arie while doing absolutely nothing to get time with him.  The date ends and while Arie compliments Chelsea in front of the rest of the girls, he gives the group date rose to Sienne.

Cocktail Party, or, The Birth of a New Villain

Arie doesn't give anyone a chance to steal him and instead pulls Brittany aside, since she got injured at the demolition derby and couldn't make it to the after party.  He gives her a "Most Hardcore" certificate.  Then he goes and makes out with Bekah again, who tells her she's no drama and easy to please while wearing the most ridiculous fur coat.  Bibiana is still upset about not getting time with Arie, which gets escalated as Krystal interrupts girls for more time with Arie not once, but twice, despite already having a rose.  Bibiana yells at her, which doesn't seem to go through, and everyone else watched uncomfortable.  Anyhow, the rose ceremony happens, and Bibiana is given the last rose, because drama, y'all.

Girls we lost this episode are:

Jenny, who cried and tried to leave without saying goodbye, so Arie chased her down and demanded hugs.  She said she wasn't crying over him, she was just going to miss her new friends, and Arie reminder her that that wasn't the point.  She was upset about being broken up with for the first time, and she is not prepared to get broken up with in real life by a real boyfriend.

Valerie, who was the closest thing to a redhead to make it past episode one in my memory.

Lauren G., probably because there are still too many Laurens.

End credits roll over Kendall showing Arie a pickled bat and taxidermied seal.  Arie isn't weirded out because apparently he has a friend who collects doll parts which is way creepier.

I'll leave you with this great screenshot of Arie from when I paused to refill my wine while watching last night:

"The race is on for Arie's heart!"

Arie begins "the most important race of [his] life" in the Season 22 premiere of The Bachelor.  But not before getting a quick recap of every time he kissed Emily how his heart got broken by Emily (Season 8 lead of The Bachelorette; 5 years ago).  Sean (Emily's 3rd place dude after Arie and Jef with one f, Season 17 lead of The Bachelor) and Catherine (winner of Season 17 of The Bachelor), along with their adorable son Samuel pay Arie a visit.  Sean is the last successful Bachelor, and I think ABC wanted to remind us that this show worked one time, damnit.  Sean and Arie are also good friends, but whatever.  Arie is 36 and "mature", and Sean gives advice the last four Bachelors apparently didn't heed, so lets get on to the good stuff: the 29 dramatic women who are going to make this season the train-wreck of a show that we love.

We get a few intro videos.  This is what I learned:

• Chelsea is a single mom.
• Caroline is in real estate and she's, like, "really good at [her] job."
• Maquel likes taking wedding photos and and remembers liking Arie when she watched him on Emily's season when she was like 12.  Ok, she was 18, but he was 31 then.
• Nysha tried to make a metaphor about how she just went skydiving and she's ready to make another 18 thousand foot drop (falling in love is apparently equivalent to 18 thousand feet).
• Next I thought they had goofed and were just playing Raven's (from Nick's season (21) of The Bachelor) intro package, but then Raven showed up, and I learned that Tia is also a person who exists.  Tia is also from a place called Wiener, AK, which will come up later.
• Kendall collects taxidermy and plays the ukulele and serenades her taxidermy with her ukulele.
• Bekah M is a nanny, but wants you to know she's edgy because she rock climbs without a bra.
• Marikh owns an Indian restaurant with her mom, which is code for "my parents own an Indian restaurant and I just work there until I become Instagram famous."
• Krystal is an online fitness coach who also makes sandwiches for the homeless.

Time for the Limo entrances!  Arie rolls up first and good old Chris Harrison grills him about not finding love in the last five years.  Then come the women.

1. Caroline comes out first with a realtor pun (for as we now know, while Arie is still a race car driver, he now practices real estate).  She hopes they are "both off the market" at the end of this show.
2. Chelsea is a little odd, but Arie says "She's interesting."
3. Kendall is super nervous and, so, a little awkward.
4. Sienne gives Arie elephant (her favorite animal) cuff links for good luck.
5. Tia gives Arie a small plastic penis and says, "hopefully you don't already have a little wiener."  Arie is somehow composed enough to say, "no, I don't already have one of these."
6. Bibiana tells Arie "you have my heart racing," because, you know, race cars.
7. Bri tosses a softball at Arie and for some reason does not tell him he's a great catch.
8. Jenny introduces herself.
9. Brittane J comments that "everyone knows you're not supposed to put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari, but why not an Arie?"  She proceeds to put a bumper sticker on Arie's butt, which says, "Nice Butt."
10. Jaqueline says something unmemorable.
11. Krystal has Arie close his eyes and reflect on how blessed he is.
12. Nysha exits the limosine next.
13. Valerie has purply-red hair and a bright yellow dress, which is bold, but not my favorite look.
14. Bekah M pulls up in a '65 Mustang and tells Arie, "I may be young, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate something classic." (the girls in the house are impressed/jealous, and Chelsea shit talks the choice of entrance).
15. Jenna is happy with her life but just needs a partner to take over the world with.
16. Jessica gives Arie a "gratitude rock."
17. Marikh tells Arie about how she uses a lot of spices in her work, but is ready for some salt and pepper.
18. Olivia brings up Emily's season.
19. Becca K has Arie kneel down and ask her if he's "ready to do the damn thing."
20. Lauren S shows up.
21. Lauren J gives Arie the biggest Mardi Gras beads I've ever seen.
22. Lauren B introduces herself, and inside the rest of the women are straight up losing their shit about how many Laurens there are.
23. Lauren G tells Arie she's one more from the Lauren Limo.
24. Ashley has a checkered race car flag and "hope[s she] finish[es] last."
25. Brittany T very unsuccessfully says "you're handsome" in Dutch.
26. Amber tells Arie she sees a lot of dicks in her line of work as a spray tan shop owner, but hopes he's not one.
27. Ali has Arie smell her armpit and asks him if that was the "best pit stop of [his] life."
28. Annaliese is wearing a mask and has a money bag with lips instead of dollar signs- she is the Kissing Bandit (a reference to Arie's nickname on Emily's season).
29. Maquel pulls up in the back of a race car and pulls off the helmet just whipping her long blonde hair around.  Other girls are like "DAMN,"  except Chelsea, who bad-mouths Maquel and is apparently determined to make everyone hate her.

We get a montage of women commenting on how good looking Arie is and how he still has hair and stuff, before he enters, gives a toast, and is whisked away by Chelsea, much to everyone's chagrin.  Not to worry, Maquel interrupts, and Chelsea proceeds to whine about it incessantly.  The other girls take turns stealing Arie away to feed him pizza (Caroline) and pineapple (which is Lauren G's safe word, too, apparently), massage his feet (Jenna, who is a bewildering human being), sing him a song (Kendall and her uke), race toy cars and win the first kiss (Brittany T), give him a drawing (Jenny), tell him her dad met him and is dead so now they must be wed (Jessica), and ask a "deep" question that she had prepared her own "deep" answers for (Bekah M).  Chelsea steals Arie a second time to make-out with him, which is a textbook Bachelor Villain move.  But it also wins her the First Impression Rose, as if she had any chance for the other girls to like her.

The Rose Ceremony occurs, and Arie sends home Ali (I mean, the girl had Arie smell her armpit - even a racing pun wasn't going to save her), Amber "I see a lot of dicks", Bri (probably because she acted surprised that Arie could catch a softball), Brittane "Nice Butt" J, Jessica (who might be the first person sent home right after telling the lead a sob story), Lauren J (one down, three to go), and Nysha & Olivia (since we can't have too much diversity, now can we).

The season preview included lots of crying, lots of kissing, and *gasp* someone's ex!

The race is on!