"I cried my eyelashes out"

As usual, the finale is live, and by live, I mean Chris Harrison watches it with us and provides commentary.  As unusual, Rachel is also there to live-watch with us, and she is not too thrilled.  Before we go back to Spain, however, Chris Harrison has some Bachelor Nation news to share with us: Juan Pablo is married!  Chris Harrison informs us that Juan Pablo asked him to inform the viewers, just in case we had forgotten that Juan Pablo is Chris Harrison's least favorite Bachelor.

Anyway, back in Spain, we are still only halfway through Fantasy Suite Week.  Rachel and Peter are at a stand-off: Peter doesn't want to propose and that's literally all Rachel wants.  She offers him the Fantasy Suite card anyway, to you know, "talk" more about this issue.  They "talk," and we get to see them cook eggs and bacon together.  It's cute.

Bryan gets the final fantasy suite date.  They ride horses through vineyards.  They chat and Bryan says the vibe feels off.  It's because Rachel is struggling with Peter's lack of wanting to propose, but she doesn't tell Bryan this.  She instead gives him the Fantasy Suite card, which Bryan barely can read through his eagerness to say yes.  He declares his love for the hundredth time, and then next time we see them, they are eating breakfast in bed after a subtle intro shot of a bee pollinating a flower outside the building.

Now for the Rose Ceremony.  Rachel gives the three remaining suitors a speech about how much she wants a proposal while looking directly at Peter.  She still gives Peter a rose though, after giving one to Bryan.  She says goodbye to Eric, who thanks her for the experience and is clearly bummed, but handles the break up very maturely.  Rachel goes back and toasts to "hard decisions".  We return to the live part of the show, where they bring out Eric to see Rachel for the first time since the scene we just saw.  He looks great and asks how Rachel is and reiterates that it was great to learn how to fall in love and I wouldn't be surprised if that was his audition to be the next Bachelor.

Again, back to Spain, it's time for Bryan's last chance date with Rachel.  They take a hot air balloon and we here lots of voice overs of Bryan idol worshiping Rachel.  He leaves no doubt in her mind where he stands.  In the evening, he gives her "Bryan and Rachel's Spanish Dictionary" which is an actual Spanish dictionary he taped a cover on and inserted a page with "important" words like husband, wife, and forever.

For Peter's last chance date, they go to an old church and get "advice" from a monk.  It's kind of a somber date as they yet again talk about how Peter isn't ready to propose but doesn't want to lose Rachel.  That evening they argue some more until Peter finally says he could compromise to not lose her which  makes Rachel more upset since she wants him to propose because he wants to.  It's really a no win situation since neither really want to compromise.  Peter gets mad and says fine, chose a mediocre life and a proposal over something great and no proposal.  Rachel says she was in a relationship before that seemed to be heading to marriage but it never got there so she just wants a proposal as proof of commitment.  To be fair to Peter, she's comparing him to a guy who took 5 years to get to almost proposing while Peter had barely 3 months.  They are both crying and say goodbye with an "I love you, Rachel" and an "I love you too."  It wasn't really clear what happened until we are back in the live show and bring out Peter.  That was a break-up, I guess.  Peter is still pretty hurt, and Rachel looks uncomfortable.  Peter tries to get closure and Rachel dismisses his feelings and gives a speech basically saying Peter shouldn't be the next Bachelor.

So now we know who wins, but the producers through in a few interviews where Rachel questions if she's rushing into this with Bryan, but no one believes for a minute she might turn down his proposal.  We get the obligatory Neil Lane visit to "sell" Bryan a ring before the final rose ceremony.  Bryan tells Rachel a "chemistry bomb had just exploded" during their first kiss and went on about how she's perfect and he loves her blah blah blah.  Rachel, presumably by Bachelor contract, has a statement prepared that starts out suspenseful before declaring her love.  Bryan proposes; Rachel responds "YES, give it to me;" they kiss and squeal and are engaged.

Back to the live show, Bryan comes out, re-proposes so Rachel can put the ring back on.  Bryan says his mom is thrilled, they say they don't know where they'll live yet, and Chris Harrison offers them another trip to Spain.  We end with a ridiculous teaser for Bachelor in Paradise which looks to be a shit show complete with love triangles, twins, trash-talking, and lots of tears.

The End.

P.S.  If you want to know how I feel about this season, I leave you with this:

"Are there any ocular facts that her and I dated?"

Chris Harrison starts this episode with jokes about extra security due to this particular group of men, as if anyone's forgotten Chad.  He then decides to show a montage of "memorable" MTA moments, mostly of Bachelorettes not taking shit from the men, but also Kaitlyn addressing online bullying and the one season where the villains were just two guys who were super close friends and the other guys were upset that they hung out in a hot tub together.  And the most "memorable" MTA moment, according to ABC, wasn't really a MTA moment but a gimmick where they did a live ultrasound to discover the sex of JP and Ashley's baby.  Then they introduce the men and give a little recap of the season and all its drama.

First drama to revisit: the Blake vs Lucas crap, which thankfully they realized no one wanted to talk about (Adam said Lucas should have said wha-boom once and then "wha-bye") , so we quickly pivot to DeMario.  DeMario decides to double down on his barely know Lexi, said she's a side-chick and demanded someone show him an "ocular fact" proving they were a thing.  No one's really buying it, and he tries to make a Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky parallel which made no sense at all.  Jamey pipes up for some reason and DeMario tells him he's irrelevant (which is true) and then Iggy chimes in so I guess we're addressing him now.  Rather than apologizing for stirring shit up, he also doubles down and says he'd do it all again.  Lucas calls Iggy a joke to which everyone else are like, dude, wha-boom, you of all people can't call someone a joke.

But now for the main event: Kenny and Lee.  Dean says that Kenny was probably the most well-liked guy in the house, and Lee, was, well, not very liked, so that should tell you something.  Dean is very good at saying everything but the word "racist" when talking about Lee.  DeMario says Lee was cool to him before he left, and the other guys said, yeah, they all thought he was cool too until he started antagonizing the black guys.  Kenny said it didn't feel like racism in the moment but more like Lee felt out of his league and was getting defensive and lashing out.  At this point, Chris Harrison calls Kenny up to the hotseat.  Kenny says that the Lee situation got in the way of his and Rachel's developing relationship.  After some more back and forth with Lee, Chris Harrison brings out Kenny's daughter who, when asked if she's proud of her dad, replies "yeah I'm proud of you.  You were like number 8."  Kenny gets choked up and Chris Harrison says they're sending them to Disneyland (which is less impressive when you realize Disney owns ABC).

Lee gets a turn in the hot seat next, and it's pretty clear he planned a sort of apology about not being a considerate friend to the guys in the house, but the guys aren't having it.  Chris Harrison brings up some of Lee's tweet, who claims they were bad jokes or something and he's sorry if he hurt someone, but he's hurt too (?).  This goes on for a while, and eventually they get Lee to denounce that one tweet as racist (which is literally the least he could do) and the guys say they appreciate it and that they'd be happy to help him become a better (ie less racist) person.  It's unclear whether any progress was actually made here with Lee, but Chris Harrison seemed pleased with himself, so there's that.

Next, Dean gets a turn at the hot seat and he is wearing an awful camo-print tux jacket and says how he was glad to have opened a door with his dad and that he still wants to know why Rachel said she was falling in love with him just to send him home.  Rachel comes out to the hot seat, so Dean gets to ask her, and she pretty much gave the same response as before: she was falling for him and sorry.  Chris asks Rachel about DeMario and she says "who?" Lee tries to apologize and Rachel sort of accepts- says she'd be happy to give him a lesson in black history and women's rights and that she hopes he's taken advantage of the opportunity to meet a bunch of great guys who are different than him.  Adam asks if she'd do anything differently, and Rachel said spend more time with him and Matt, to which Matt says, nah, you did the right thing.  Fred gives an incredibly rehearsed speech that started out like he was mad at her for not giving him a chance even though he already had feelings for her but ended with I'm glad you're happy, which was a weird 180.  Kenny tells Rachel she has his number if Peter, Eric, or Bryan don't work out.

Then we get bloopers, which they always heavily promote as the best and are mostly lame.  We did get an interview with Dean where he puts his chewing gum behind his ear, and when his interviewer was like wtf, he puts it back in his mouth and swallows it.  It's weird, yet the ladies still love him.

And that's it for these men!  Well, unless they are on Bachelor in Paradise, in which case they have another shot at embarrassing themselves on national television.

"fake boobs, fake asses, and fake cheeks"

Changing it up this year, Rachel gets a Hometown Date!  Which means her family get to meet three men instead of two.  Rachel springs this on the guys who still think Fantasy Suite Dates are next.  Rachel lets them know her sister is very pregnant and can't travel and not-so-subtly hints they should think about asking her parents for their blessing to marry her.

Meet the Family #1: Peter

Rachel takes Peter to a baby store to pick out gifts for her nephew and soon-to-be nephew.  They are super cute.  They head to Rachel's parent's house and Peter pulls her aside before going in to inform her he is falling in love with her.  Then, inside, he gives a speech to the family about how he came to realize he was falling in love with her.  Peter wins over the entire family.  Rachel is concerned he won't propose.  Rachel's mom likes that Peter won't ask for her blessing until he's 100% sure she's the one.  Rachel's the only one who doesn't think Peter is the best.  We see Peter playing with her dog and nephew and ovaries exploded all over America.

Meet the Family #2: Eric

Eric and Rachel go to Union Tower and drink champagne.  Back at the hotel, Peter tells Bryan he doesn't like talking to Rachel's other boyfriend while her other boyfriend is at her house with her family.  Peter does not make it a secret that he dislikes Bryan, and I am here for that.  Meanwhile, Eric is crushing it with Rachel's family.  He's very honest and talks about his difficult upbringing and acknowledges lack of past serious relationship experience.  He gives a pretty heartfelt speech to Rachel's mom about family and love and gets her blessing when he asks for it.

Meet the Family #3: Bryan

Bryan and Rachel wear there matching watches and he gets to meet some of Rachel's friends.  Rachel tells them she thought he was a douchebag (her words, not mine- though I agree), but that has changed, obviously (for her, not me).  Then Bryan meets the family.  They are skeptical of Bryan and grill him pretty hard.  Rachel gets "low-key annoyed" and they tell her she's reacting emotionally.  Rachel's sister tells Bryan it's a little concerning how profusely he expresses love for Rachel.  He responds by telling her he loves her family, and her sister reminds him he's known them an hour.  Bryan gets the blessing to propose, though, but that's because Rachel's mom trusts Rachel's decisions.

Spain

They go international for the last couple weeks of this journey.  Eric gets the first Fantasy Suite date, and they get a helicopter ride and wander and hike on a beautiful Spanish coastline.  They eat dinner in a castle courtyard where Eric tells Rachel how much she challenges him emotionally and loves her and all that.  He get's the Chris Harrison "you may forgo your individual rooms" card, to which Eric says "that guy is awesome."  They go have sex spend some one on one time away from the cameras, and we next see them getting coffee together in the morning.

Peter gets the second date, and Rachel takes him to a winery where get sang to by the wine maker and are given their own private mini wine cellar.  Rachel says she wants a proposal and Peter says he sees an engagement as guarantee to get married and he only wants to do it once.  It's about to get serious when an adorable little girl comes to lead them to stomp some grapes.  And then make out while stomping grapes.  That evening, they revisit the proposal disagreement and the episode ends with Rachel crying.  But in the previews, they show Peter at the rose ceremony, so one can only assume they make-up enough to take it to the Fantasy Suite.

The most dramatic hometown yet!

Baltimore, MD with Eric

We start on the east coast, where Eric invites Rachel to play some basketball- which she enthusiastically does in heels.  A person of undefined relation to Eric (friend? cousin? brother?) shows up to say hey and Rachel asks when Eric last brought a girl home, despite Eric having told her (and us) like a thousand times he's never brought a girl home.  His friend replies, "uh, prom?"

Then Rachel gets to meet Eric's parents and aunts.  They all warmly welcome Rachel and seem pretty tight knit and caring despite Eric's reportedly difficult upbringing.  Eric has a couple of amazing heart-to-heart chats with his parents, who both acknowledge the difficulty of Eric's childhood and admits they may not have been the best parents, but also let Eric know that they do love him and are very proud of the man he's become.  It's surprisingly real and deep for this show, and for once I actually believe that this show can help people grow.  I mean, when Eric was fighting with Iggy a few weeks ago, I was convinced he wasn't mature enough for Rachel, and now I'm totally Team Eric.

Meanwhile, Rachel talks to Eric's Aunt Verna, who asks about her experience being the first black bachelorette.  Rachel talks about how she feels pressure from both sides and that she's just trying to do the same thing the previous bachelorettes have been able to do without so much judging: and that is being selfish and finding the person she loves, which has nothing to do with color.

Before she leaves, Eric tells Rachel he loves her, and explains that that means he really cares about her and Rachel wishes he didn't explain that.

Miami, FL with Bryan

Rachel is obsessed with Bryan, and is excited to be in a place that screams Bryan.  Apparently Miami is "hot, steamy, sexy, and sometimes speaks to you in Spanish."  They play dominoes, eat food, and dance some salsa before going to meet Bryan's family.  Bryan's mom is obsessed with him.  She gets teary eyed when talking about how "a women that separates him from me would be terrible" and tells Rachel (albeit sort of jokingly) that if Bryan's not happy she'll kill her.  I'm really not surprised the mom was the issue with Bryan's last girlfriend.  When Rachel talks to Bryan's sister (?), she uses the word "demise" a lot when talking about how his last girlfriend didn't mesh with the family, which was a little ominous, but Rachel didn't seem to notice.  Bryan of course says "I love you" and if he doesn't win, it's going to be really hard for whoever does win to watch Rachel be all over Bryan all the time.

Madison, WI with Peter

Peter takes Rachel to a farmers market and then to a bar where she gets to meet some of his friends.  We get to see Peter chat with his bros who tell him "don't fuck it up" because of course they like Rachel, because who doesn't?  Rachel meets Peter's family and we get to see him be adorable with kids, which is encouraging to Rachel.  But then his whole family pretty much tell her that he might not be ready for marriage.  Commitment, sure, but marriage, maybe not.  They kiss goodbye, and Peter doesn't say the L word, which is cause for concern in Bachelor world.

Aspen, CO with Dean

Dean and Rachel ride ATVs for some much needed fun before a very stressful hometown visit.  Dean hasn't talked to his dad in two years, and I wonder why he even agreed to see him for the first time on national television.  But he did, so here we go.  His dad has converted to Sikhism after his mom died so they all sat on the floor and he played his gong.  Rachel, being great in every situation, gamely eats the food and smiles and nods, though Dean looks like he'd rather be literally anyplace in the world besides at his father's house spurning a bowl of mung beans.  Dean's dad sends everyone out so the two can talk, and Dean confronts him about not being there when he needed him most.  It was uncomfortable and didn't really resolve anything except now Dean's feelings are out there which is the first step, right?  Anyway, Rachel tries to talk to his dad, which kind of fails, and then she goes and snuggles with Dean who says he's falling in love with her.

Dallas, TX with a Rose Ceremony

Back in Rachel's hometown, Dean gets sent home, which is sad, but look at that face:

I think he'll be okay

Looks like next week, everyone gets to meet Rachel's family, which should be fun!

Curveball, dude!

This week, we get almost a standard episode: new location (new "great place to fall in love"), some dates, and then at the end of the episode, while we have no rose ceremony, there is no "to be continued" and all of the roses for the week are given out.  To get started, Rachel meets the men at their hotel suite to inform them there will be three 1-on-1 dates and one 3-on-1 date this week with 4 roses to be given out whenever she pleases.  Much to everyone's displeasure, she takes Bryan on the first 1-on-1 date.

Brian gets to drive Rachel off to an expensive watch store in a Bentley.  They drink champagne and try on matching watches with black leather bands to which Bryan says, "I like black" and Rachel goes, "DOooO yOoOUuuu?" and then Bryan attack-kisses her while the poor watch salesman stands by and endures it.  They then drink champagne and ride a boat.  Over dinner, Rachel want to really talk to Bryan and understand why someone so perfect is still single.  She asks about his upbringing, and he tells her how he was sent to an all boys school because he asked for an earring and there's got to be more to that story.  She says she went to private school and Bryan asks her to describe her uniform which creeps me out, but apparently not Rachel.  Next, they talk about Bryan's last relationship and he basically describes his a Rachel's (passionate, hot and heavy in a very short amount of time, met family super soon...).  For some reason, his mom was an issue and the two broke it off.  Rachel doesn't seem to notice any red flags and gives Bryan a rose.

We see the men back at the hotel speculating in pairs about how they want to get a 1-on-1 this week because duh.  Adam wants to be "the broom that sweeps [Rachel] off her feet."  He won't be able to attempt to be a cleaning apparatus quite yet, though, since Dean gets 1-on-1 date number two.

Dean and Rachel go to a Catholic church in old town Geneva to listen to a French service, though it would seem neither of them are Catholic or speak French.  Then they wander around and dance adorably to a street performer.  Rachel keeps trying to get him to open up about his emotions and Dean deflects with mature questions such as "do you believe in the tooth fairy?" and "what's your favorite dinosaur?".  Rachel is frustrated, but luckily they have the evening portion of the date for Dean to redeem himself.  Which he does; he opens up about how he's not sure about Rachel meeting his family since he doesn't have a great relationship with them.  Rachel says she's not looking for a family just like hers and gives him the rose.

Much to Adam and Matt's dismay (because Adam and Matt are people on this show that apparently know Rachel and may in fact have been dating her?), Peter gets the final 1-on-1 date.  Rachel takes Peter in a helicopter to the Alps.  They dog sled and then sit shivering in the snow until they realize they should cuddle for warmth.  Over the course of this date we learn that Peter considered leaving, he's never dated a black girl before, and that his last relationship ending made him really sad.  He clearly gets a rose, which leaves Eric, Adam, and Matt on a brutal 3-on-1 date.

Rachel takes the three remaining bachelors on a boat ride to France where we see her talk to Matt for the first time since his limo entrance probably.  He says he can still picture them together and Rachel kisses him, then cries and tells him how he reminds her of herself and that she wishes things were different but she has to say goodbye.  It's an awful lot of emotion for a guy we've never seen.  He takes his glass of champagne and leaves.

That evening Rachel chats with Adam and Eric.  Adam says a part of him is falling in love with him and that he wants to bring her home.  Eric says she'll be the first girl he brings home and that he hasn't had the best relationship models in his life.  Rachel goes with her guy and gives Eric the rose, which is good because Adam went from "who?" to "ugh you're annoying" incredibly fast in this episode.  He spent his limo exit complaining about how big of a mistake Rachel was making; good riddance.

Next up: hometowns!  And this season looks like it might actually be the most dramatic hometowns ever!

"I'm in wifey mode right now"

Apparently wifey mode means breaking 9 dude's hearts, because that's what happened this week on The Bachelorette.  We started this week in Hilton Head, SC and ended, after a quick jaunt to Norway, in Denmark.  And we ended with a Rose Ceremony!  It's a miracle!  But more on rose ceremonies later.

Week 4, cont.

We start this episode mid-week 4 in Hilton Head, mid-group date.  Lee and Kenny are having a little spat.  Rachel gives Bryan the group date rose and Kenny congratulates him on not being a "bitch-ass dude" and then calls Lee a bunch of names, but mostly "bitch."  The other guys look on sort of uncomfortably, but mostly amused.

Next up is the most awkward 1 on 1 date ever with Jack Stone.  Jack is convinced he's falling in love with Rachel, and Rachel is just dodging kisses left and right.  Long story short, he gets sent home.  Back at the mansion, Will is giving Lee a lesson on race relations re: the word aggressive and it's use in profiling black men.  Lee doesn't really get it, but good on Will for opening up a conversation.

In normal Bachelor fashion around this time in a season, Rachel cancels a cocktail party and goes straight for the rose ceremony.  There's an attempt to make it dramatic, but after eight previews promising a Kenny-Lee 2 on 1 date, there's zero suspense.  Iggy and Jonathan go home, but not after Jonathan tickles Rachel one last time, which gets a laugh and applause from the rest of the guys.

Week 5

The gang heads to Norway where they meet Rachel in a bar so she can whisk Bryan away to make-out first while rappelling down a giant ski jump and then at dinner where they sit in front of untouched food and Bryan tells her he's falling in love.  Shocking no one, Bryan gets the rose.  The group date this week is a bit more entertaining.  Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Josiah, and Eric get to play handball in leotards, which, if you were wondering, is not the uniform of choice for actual handball players.  In the evening, Rachel gets read a love letter from Alex, a Prince lyrics embroidered purple scarf from Matt, and an allegedly three hour hot tub session with Peter.  Will gets the rose and Peter starts second guessing his connection with Rachel apparently forgetting that she was literally just straddling him in a hot tub and he has nothing to worry about.

Now for the dreaded two on one date with Kenny and Lee.  We see Lee getting ready by lifting weights and polishing his cowboy boots.  We get to see Kenny facetime with his adorable daughter and he cries and she tells him to have a great date.  It is beyond adorable and I would totally watch a show where Kenny's daughter helps him find love.  No one likes Lee, but everyone is worried Kenny will ruin his chances by letting Lee get into his head.  The date is not really a date- they go to some remote Norwegian forest where Rachel talks to each of them individually, Lee lies about Kenny being violent, and then we get like three minutes of Kenny walking back to confront Lee before another To Be Continued graces our screen.  Luckily, there is only one day to wait before we see Rachel tell Lee she doesn't trust him and she and Kenny helicopter off.  But not before Kenny yells at Lee one more time.  Rachel's evening with Kenny goes well, and he gets the rose.

Again, there is no cocktail party, and Rachel sends Anthony and Josiah home at the rose ceremony.

Week 6

Not travelling too far, Rachel takes the remaining nine suitors to Denmark where Eric gets the first one on one date.  They drink champagne, they hot tub, they talk about past relationships.  It's a pretty standard one on one, and he gets the rose.

For the group date, Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter, and Adam get to play Viking.  And by play Viking, I mean row a viking ship and then fight each other.  Kenny and Adam both get hit pretty badly in the face, which explains all of the previews where they insinuate Lee gave Kenny a bloody eye.  In the evening, Rachel kisses everyone and sends Kenny home.  It was a way more mutual get-sent-home than usual, especially at this stage.  Kenny doesn't feel sure about this whole situation and being away from his daughter is hard.  Rachel doesn't see Kenny at the end, so they decide it's best he go home.  For the third time, we see Kenny cry on the phone with his daughter.  Anyway, Peter gets the group date rose to end the evening.

Will gets the second one on one date in which they go sightseeing in Sweden and talk to an old Swedish couple about relationships.  Rachel's feeling only friendship toward Will, though, so he goes home.  With two guys down already this week, the rose ceremony is short and only Alex gets sent home.  Inexplicably, we see Matt and Adam still around despite having seen no interactions they have with Rachel.

"an alternative facts piece of garbage"

Yet again, we start this episode mid-rose ceremony.
In Summary:

• Lee gives us a classic villain moment with a "I'm not here to make friends"
• Dean explains to us the conflicts in the house by strongly implying that Lee is racist
• Kenny yells at Lee
• Rachel gets emotional
• Chris Harrison: "Good going, guys, Rachel is upset and we're going straight to the rose ceremony"
• Rachel sends two guys I couldn't remember existing and Diggy, with the great glasses game and a stellar bowtie, home.

And it's time to leave LA!  Rachel and her 15 boyfriends head to Hilton Head Island in South Carolina.  Dean gets the first one on one date, and he and Rachel get to take a ride in the Goodyear Blimp.  Of course Dean has a fear of heights, but overcomes it for Rachel, even taking a turn driving the Blimp.  They pass by the hotel where the rest of the guys are conveniently hanging out on the balcony, and the Blimp flashes the words "Rachel and Dean are in here" and "Rachel and Dean 4 ever."  Bryan pouts because Dean is 11 year younger than him and is afraid that's what Rachel wants.

In the evening portion of the date, Rachel and Dean sit under a tree amongst a whole lot of handing lights.  Dean shares a sad story of how his mom died of cancer when he was 15 and that his family sort of fell apart in the aftermath.  As a reward for being vulnerable, Rachel takes Dean to a typical bachelor concert where they stand on a platform while a crowd watches them and some b-list country singer croons.

For the group date this week, all of the guys except Dean and Jack Stone go on a boat ride with Rachel.  They have a freestyle rap battle, a push-up contest, and drink a lot.  Peter does the Titanic (I'm king of the world) bit, Rachel has a captains hat, and Josiah boasts about how great he is.  They dock only to find they are all participating in a Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee hosted by Chris Harrison and judged by some 10 year old girls.  It's vaguely entertaining and Josiah wins, only because he is given the word "stunning" while Anthony in second place had to attempt "boutonniere."    He gets a trophy that reads "Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee Champions" which he later drinks alcohol out of.

That evening we find out that Iggy still just wants to incite drama, this time with Josiah and not Eric.  Iggy and Josiah's fight seems pretty tame however, as Lee is determined to get Kenny riled up.  Kenny and Lee go outside to presumably have another heated argument.  I say presumably as we don't get to see what happens for it's time for another To Be Continued to appear on screen.

"It's not about winning, it's about the world, my brother"

We start this episode mid-cocktail party.  DeMario has returned, the men are riled up, and Rachel goes to talk to him.  DeMario makes a speech about making mistakes and how you can't have joy without pain and how he wants a second chance and that he told this to his Uber driver.  Rachel gives him a speech right back telling him he had the opportunity to be honest and that she's glad he learned that he needs to more forward, but "forward isn't that way into the mansion, forward is outside of it.

Rachel greets the rest of the guys.  One tentatively asks, "he's not coming back, is he?" to which Rachel answers with a resolute "fuck no" and everybody cheers.

Back to the party, Jonathan comes to talk to Rachel with ENORMOUS fake hands and somehow Rachel seems to enjoy this and feel comfortable around him.  She then talks to Alex and tells the camera how she's impressed because he was solving a Rubik's cube while they were chatting so that shows he's smart I guess?  But then he can't even finish it!  Anyway, she talks to some more men before sitting down with Lucas as asking him about his side of what Blake has told her.  Lucas says that maybe Blake just doesn't like him because he has a crush on him.  And if that wasn't a weird enough thing to say, he explains to Rachel that Blake watched him sleep while peeling and eating a banana.  Rachel doesn't know how to react to this, so she asks Lucas if Blake finished the banana.  Next, Rachel confronts Blake about it, and his response couldn't have been worse.  He says the claim is just ridiculous because for one, he would never eat a banana since he doesn't eat carbs.  And that Lucas sleeps in a room with like a dozen other dudes, so you probably would have heard about me watching him sleep already.  Note he doesn't actually deny watching Lucas sleep.

Rose ceremony time and neither Blake nor Lucas get roses.  Blake even manages to make his goodbye to Rachel about Lucas.  Some other guy doesn't get a rose either, but I've never seen him before and he doesn't get an exit interview because Blake and Lucas have the dumbest fight ever recorded outside the mansion.  It's so ridiculous, you should just watch it if you haven't yet.  Good riddance to both of them; I really hope they don't go on Bachelor in Paradise.

They've really outdone themselves this season with celebrity fans-
first Ashton and Mila and now Ellen!

Let's move on to Week 3.  The first group date takes Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, and Fred to the Ellen Show.  Rachel tells Ellen a little bit about the guys she brought.  Ellen greets Jonathan by tickling him, and he is never going to live his limo entrance down.  Ellen asks the guys what they think of Rachel admitting she's kissed one of them.  Bryan immediately says she's a good kisser, which Will seconds.  Jonathan asks when it's his turn.  Ellen then makes them all take off their shirts and dance in the audience while women put dollar bills in their pants.  Jonathan, unsurprisingly, is not a good dancer, while Alex seems like he would make a very excellent addition to a Magic Mike 3 movie.  Rachel looooves this, or in her words, "mama was pleased."  Next they play "never have I ever" with Ellen and we learn that Alex has peed in the Bachelor Mansion Pool and claims a nude photo he once sent to a girlfriend was "classy."  Fred, meanwhile, is getting more an more insecure because Rachel tells Ellen how he was a bad kid and he's nervous about how other guys are already kissing Rachel, but, like, he's wanted to kiss her for 20 years.  Let's skip ahead to the evening portion of this date where Fred does get to kiss Rachel, but only after a weird speech to ask if he can kiss Rachel.  This makes him very happy, but that elation is short lived because Rachel sends him home and gives Alex the group date rose.

Pretty tame, as far as dates go

Time for the one on one date this week.  She takes Anthony, a guy we've forgotten exists.  They ride horses down Rodeo Drive while fans yell at them from buses.  They go shopping and buy cowboy boots and hats, but never get off their horses.  It's kind of a weird date, but the evening portion is nice- they have dinner and then dance and make-out in front of a jazz quartet.

I honestly think this week's dates only purpose
was so Rachel could see all the guys shirtless.

The second group date is hosted by Rachel's "girls," Alexis, Jasmine, Corinne, and Raven.  They bring Brady, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack, and Eric on a party bus to a hokey salon filled with screaming women to mud wrestle.  Kenny the professional wrestler is annihilating the guys, except somehow loses to Bryce in the end.  Before heading off to the evening part, Rachel asks her girls what they think of her men.  They all like Dean, but aren't impressed with Eric.

In the evening, we learn a few things: Kenny was a Chippendale's dancer, Eric is super insecure, and Lee is a real snake in the grass (no offense to snakes).  Rachel gives the group date rose to Eric, though, because he reaaally needed the self esteem boost.

It's the cocktail party, and apparently it's the everyone hates Eric show now.  Iggy, having no real connection with Rachel, stays relevant by arguing with Eric and complaining to Rachel about him.  Lee is way too calm and gleeful about throwing Eric under the bus.  Aaaaand we end this episode with yet another "To Be Continued" after Eric starts screaming at everyone.

"White dudes acting crazy"

We start this episode with a montage of Rachel walking her dog, so you know it's going to be a good one.

Group Date #1: Rachel is looking for a trophy husband husband material

How to be a celebrity couple.

Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and Lucas get to join Rachel at a BBQ and then compete in a "Husband Material Challenge."  It should be fairly drama free except we get a "Lucas is garbage" right off the bat from Blake, whose insistence he's going to ruin this for Lucas is clearly going to be his downfall.

To help Rachel heckle the guys during the Husband Material obstacle course, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis join the show.  They ask the guys if they have health insurance and jobs, and when they all say yes, they give Rachel a high five.  Iggy asks if they're setting the bar too low, to which Mila replies, "Have you watched the Bachelor?"  Because she and Ashton sure have.  According to them, they heard there was a contestant that looked like Ashton, started watching, and were hooked (that contestant was Jared from Kaitlyn's season, by the way).

Anyway, the guys attempt the obstacle course and are terrible at everything causing Mila to literally fall on the ground laughing.  Lucas somehow wins despite basically drowning his fake baby in a sink and shoving Kenny out of the way.  He does the Whaboom thing for Ashton and Mila who react like all of us ("Why?").

During the evening portion of the date, Rachel has some lackluster conversations with the guys, which included a terrible poem by Lucas and Blake using his time with Rachel to complain about Lucas.  It comes out the Blake lived with Lucas's ex girlfriend and they have a weird argument.  Everyone else is a bit uncomfortable around them and don't seem to care about Lucas being annoying as much as Blake does.  "These white dudes are kinda bugging right now," says Kenny, providing us a nice alternative title for the show.

Dean then gets the group date rose and also a lot of lipstick smudged on his face kiss.

First One on One Date (or should I say, two on one date)

The perfect family.

Peter gets to take a private jet to Palm Springs with Rachel, but that's not even the best part.  The best part is that he also gets to spend the day with Rachel's adorable dog Copper who is not letting a cast slow him down.

#CopperForBachelor?

They go to BarkFest, which is basically a party where everyone brings their dogs.  They have a ton of fun and then have a nice dinner together where they actually seem to talk about real things (like how they have matching gap teeth and that therapy has really helped them in relationships).  Peter obviously gets the rose and they end the evening with a fireworks show.

Group Date #2: Swish
Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, and DeMario get to play basketball for Rachel.  And because apparently all of Rachel's friends are actually famous people, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is there to help judge the guys.  "Basketball is a good game to connect to romance," Kareem tells Rachel in a not at all producer-fed line.  His appearance is interesting considering he wrote an article pretty harshly critiquing The Bachelor (and then wrote a follow-up for Monday's episode).

After the guys run drills for a while, they are informed they will play a live game in front of fans, which we then see includes AJ, Adam's creepy doll, and a full high school marching band.  Based on previews and a few interactions so far, I know Lee will soon be my least favorite guy once the Blake-Lucas stuff is over, but I appreciated his comments during the game.  He was well aware that he sucks at basketball, but decided to just have fun and laugh and not freak out about it.  Luckily for him, everyone was playing poorly.  Lee describes it: "when it came to shooting, everybody was shooting [he pauses, realizing he was about to say blanks] just random shot bullets everywhere.  Just duds."  After an incredibly low scoring game, Lee, Alex, Adam, Will, and Eric are victorious.  They guys head to the locker room while Rachel chats with adoring fans.

The last fan to leave is a girl name Lexi, who tells Rachel DeMario ghosted her to come on this show and she found him out watching After the Final Rose.  Rachel is floored and goes to get DeMario.  The other guys are bummed because they think he's getting the group date rose.  DeMario's pumped until he sees Lexi.  He tries to be smooth and asks Rachel "who's this?"  Lexi says "Karma's a bitch, isn't it, DeMario," and you know she's been planning that sentence for a long time.  Lexi goes off and it's clear to DeMario he's not going to be able to play it off that he doesn't know her.  He spirals: "She's pyscho", "I met her many, many times ago", "This is personal life stuff", "I mailed those keys to your apartment".

Rachel grills both of them, and Lexi shows her texts from DeMario.  DeMario is trying so desperately and ineffectively to salvage his public image, but Rachel is having none of it.  "I'm really gonna need you to get the f*ck out" she says.  DeMario leaves in a van, Chris Harrison shows up to play psychiatrist, but Rachel blows him off and marches into the women's restroom.  She goes to inform the rest of the guys who are pretty shocked.  The evening is pretty uneventful; there's another poem, Alex sings at her poorly in Russian, Josiah gets the group date rose.

The Cocktail Party: Return of DeMario
Rachel lectures the guys about pure intentions and then they do normal cocktail party stuff like give her a massage, play with barbies, and have thumb wars.  Meanwhile, DeMario shows up and security is keeping him out.  He tells Chris Harrison that "someone from my past came up and assassinated my character."  Chris Harrison steals Rachel away, who is curious.  Fred and Lee eavesdrop on Chris and Rachel and immediately go round up the rest of the dudes to go outside after DeMario.  It's very Beauty and the Beast Mob Song-esque.  Then we get the first To Be Continued of the season.

Another picture of Copper for good measure.

P.S. These guys may be the smartest set of contestants this show has seen, but they somehow don't have a grasp on normal phrases (despite one of them using "duplicitous" naturally in a sentence).  A collection from this episode:

"The only leg I have to stand on are my two legs." - Lucas
"You can either sink with the fishes, or swim to shore." - DeMario
Rachel's "legging-tights [...] fit her body like a coca cola bottle." - Josiah

"This is a nightmare scenario" says guy in a self-inflicted scenario

Introductions

So it begins...

We start with the star, Rachel, of course.  We get to recap Nick breaking up with her on The Bachelor after she finally admits she loved him, evidence for Rachel that the show "works."  We then get to see her adorable dog with a broken leg, Copper, for not enough time.  What they want to make clear is that Rachel is serious and looking for a husband on this show, "like, this finger is ready," she exclaims, holding up her left hand.

We then get introduced to eight of Rachel's suitors.  What we learned:

Kenny is a pro-wrestler with an adorable 10 year old daughter.

Jack's mom died when he was in high school, so more on that story later at an advantageous time for him to stay one more week on the show.

Alex wants you to know that he's not only super ripped, but also a huge nerd!

Mohit loves Bollywood dancing with his large family.

Lucas (aka Whaboom guy) is literally the worst.

Blake E. said "I don't want to come across as the guy who talks about his penis..." and TOO LATE, creep.

Diggy has more shoes than pages in Moby-Dick.

Josiah's life could be a lifetime movie: tragic event in his youth, turned to crime, got arrested, turned his life around and now works in the legal system that arrested him and gave him a second chance.

Now it's time for Rachel to get ready for the big day: by driving up to the Bachelor Mansion in a Tesla to get advice from some other girls on Nick's season (Jasmine, Alexis, Corinne, Raven, Kristina, Astrid, and Whitney).  They have some generic advice and we move on.

The Limo Entrances

I mean, I love penguins, so I'd pick him.

We start off with Peter, who brings up Nick, since he is also from Wisconsin and wants to give Rachel a good experience with Wisconsin boys.  Rachel says "he's cute! we're off to a good start!"   And it's a good thing it's a good start, because it's a terrible end (last guy out of the limos is my least favorite contestant possibly of all time).  Josiah's up next with some lawyer puns, ending with "see you later, litigator," which actually made me smile.  Bryan talks to her in Spanish and she is instantly into him and I don't know why.  Then we have some generic entrances with Kenny, Rob, and Iggy, followed by Bryce who picks her up while we hear a voice over of how some of the men sweep her off her feet.  Will does a Steve Urkel impression, gets back in the limo, and comes out for a normal introduction.  Diggy makes a pun on his own name, hoping he's there to "teach [her] how to Diggy."  Kyle brings some Jamaican treat, which he pulls out after saying he wants to show Rachel his buns.  Blake K. tells Rachel his grandparents only dated for two months before getting married and have been together for 60 years, so he believes this could work.  Brady brings some ice out so he can literally break the ice.  At this point I'm not sure if Rachel legitimately loves corny jokes or if she's just really good at just going with everything with a smile.  This is why I couldn't be Bachelorette: I have no poker face.  Well, this and a thousand other reasons.  Next we have the four guys who already had a fake limo entrance at After the Final Rose, all of whom brought up those entrances: Dean, Eric, DeMario, and Blake E., the last of whom showed up this time with a marching band. 

We get a breather and Chris Harrison comes out to check in with Rachel, but not for long because we still have 15 more dudes to meet.

Fred brings his yearbook to show Rachel she's in it.  Rachel totally remembers him (she was his camp counselor) and exclaims "he was a very bad kid!"  Jonathan tickles her, but then his "occupation" is tickle-monster, so I'm not sure what I expected.   Lee comes out crooning with a guitar and hands her an enormous flower.  Alex dances up with a vacuum, a la Rachel in her intro video for Nick's season.  Milton takes a selfie with her.  Then Adam and Adam Jr. show up.  Adam Jr., or AJ, is a puppet that looks like Adam and it understandably creeps Rachel out.  Matt shows up in a penguin suit and tells Rachel how penguins mate for life, and seems pretty normal, despite the penguin suit.  Grant rolls up in a fire truck with sirens and everything (he's an EMT).  Anthony, Jamey, and Jack have unmemorable entrances.  Mohit holds her hands below his and says this will be the only time he has the upper hand in their relationship.  Jebediah says "when Jacob met Rachel, he wept," and I'm glad Rachel got the Bible reference because I sure didn't.  Michael tells Rachel "the blacker the brownie, the sweeter the dude," and I don't really know what that means but it sounds dirty.  Lastly, we get Lucas, who announces himself with a megaphone from the limo, his intro including the fact that one of his testicles is larger than the other.  He also calls himself Rachel's future husband.  He comes out wearing a shirt with his name on it and I have no idea how Rachel did not just send him home on the spot.  We still don't really know what "Whaboom" is other than him convulsing and yelling it over and over again.

Inside, the guys are joking about who the crazy one of the season is.  Lucas walks in and does his weird Whaaaaaabooom thing and they're all, yup, he's the one.  Token crazy guy.

No. Just, no.

Cocktail Party

The cocktail party commences- Josiah steals her away first.  Other guys are like "I didn't expect that!" and come on, you've all seen this show before.  The guys try to make an impression on Rachel.  The Adam puppet even gets his own contestant interviews, inexplicably in French.  As the night wears on, guys are getting drunker and more and more nervous about not getting time with her.  One guy can't believe the penguin guy has talked to her, but not the guy in the $2000 suit, come on!  Bryan not only manages to get time with Rachel, but aggressively kisses her, for a long time, and with lots of tongue.  It was uncomfortable to watch, but clearly Rachel is into him, because he gets the first impression rose and another kiss.  This second kiss is seen by a very drunk Mohit who points and goes "NOOOOOOOO!!!"

Meanwhile, Lucas is annoying everyone, but none more than Blake E, who tries to confront him about just coming on the show for attention.  To which he says, "I think that everyone has a little Whaboom in them," and Blake E responds, "I have no Whaboom in me."  Scintillating.

Anyway, it's rose ceremony time and all the guys are whining about how "devastating" it would be to be sent home and how they "can't live without" a rose.  Geez, and they say women can be dramatic.  The last rose of course goes to Lucas, and if that wasn't a producer pick, I don't know what Rachel was thinking.

Seven guys are sent home, and exit the mansion in clear daylight.  Milton cries because he doesn't get to show off all the outfits he brought.  Blake K. has the classiest exit of all time, saying that there are a lot of great guys there for Rachel, she and him aren't right for each other, but the right girl is out there for him!  Turns out, him leaving was his own choice because his grandfather was hospitalized and he flew to Hawaii to be with him, which just makes him going home that much worse- such a stand-up (and hot) guy, but instead we have to watch Whaboom for another week.

I mean, look at this guy!  Lives in SF and a war vet too!

31 Flavors

Contestant bios are up, and I read them so you don't have to!  Although I have to say they are more varied and interesting than usual, probably because they are older and smarter than usual since Rachel is older and smarter than most of the Bachelor family.  The men all seem to like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Denzel Washington and/or Elon Musk.  Most of them don't seem to realize that skydiving isn't that outrageous.  Most of them have real careers, and they are between the ages of 26 and 35.  Nine of them come from California, seven from Florida, four each from Texas and Chicago, then one each from Wisconsin, Connecticut, Tennessee, Las Vegas, Georgia, New York City, and Michigan.  No Canadians this season!

So without further ado, here is a tidbit about each of Rachel's suitors:

Adam's most embarrassing moment was telling his mom he was going on The Bachelorette.  Though I think it will change to when his mom reads his cast bio and finds out his idea of the most romantic gift he's received was a threesome on his birthday.
Alex has eaten a live salamander.
Anthony describes his favorite book "like a dream I don't want to wake up from."  I like Anthony.
Blake E. was engaged to "a crazy girl" for 48 hours and also hates cat people.
Blake K. wants to be The Rock, not because of all the cool stuff he does, but because he can pull off a fanny pack.
Brady like to tackle snowmen.
Bryan listed seven qualities when asked what his three best attributes were.
Bryce once caught a girl's hair on fire during sex.  Good thing he's a firefighter, amiright?
Dean has a tattoo on his inner lip.
DeMario claims that "when [he's] married with children [he] will own a pet lion and name him 'Denzel, the lion.'"
Diggy is apparently really into day drinking, so should feel right at home on this show.
Eric would like to live in a time "before money was involved," and I'm not sure that he knows that time is before the Stone Age.
Fred had a crush on his camp counselor when he was young, which is a boring fact until you learn that this camp counselor was Rachel.
Grant say's his favorite magazine is "Playboy? ;)"
Iggy says his three best and worst attributes are "Passionate, loyal, and witty" and I'm sensing this guy likes answering the "what are your biggest weaknesses" question in job interviews.
Jack Stone's favorite flower is a tulip because it's "basically, roses without thorns" and he's either never seen a tulip or never seen a rose.
Jamey does not have female friends, which seems like a red flag.
Jedidiah talked about how much he liked his trip to South Africa, in part because it "has very real problems like HIV and violence," and that's right, he a privileged white dude.
Jonathan has an ex-wife, and by the sound of it, waited until marriage to have "uneventful" sex.
Josiah says his worst date ever was being catfished, since the women turned out to be pregnant, and dude, that's not catfishing.
Kenny has a daughter and wants to live in Ancient Egypt.  Those two things are unrelated.
Kyle doesn't know what gluten is, but often orders gluten-free if it's on the menu.
Lee thinks he could somehow learn to make booze if he were stranded on a desert island with just "a hook, the right girl, and a fire source."
Lucas' ideal mate looks like one of these fictional white ladies who don't look anything like Rachel: Belle, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, or Jessica Rabbit.
Matt's worst date memory was a Tinder date since he realized online dating wasn't for him.  I feel like going on TV for a date will be much worse.
Michael played pro basketball in Bulgaria.
Milton thinks being romantic shows you're week, so it's really good he's going on a show where everyone's required to make fools of themselves for "love".
Mohit is going to dress up as gluten for halloween.
Peter likes Modern Family because it's hilarious and carefree, which makes me wonder if he's really seen it, because I get so much secondhand embarrassment from that show- hilarious, but not at all carefree.
Rob wants to be Superman, one reason being that he's "also a US alien, like me!" which I'm not sure is a witty way to say he's an immigrant or if he's trying to tell us he's not really human?
Will's worst date is "every tinder date ever," and again, going on a TV show to date a girl with 30 other boyfriends is much worse.

So that's who we get to meet Monday night!

Finale... Finally

Just in case I actually have a readership, I figured I should maybe recap the finale of Nick's season.

Still in Finland, Raven and Vanessa get to meet (well, re-meet in Raven's case) Nick's family.  Unsurprisingly, the family likes both of the women.

Vanessa gets the first last one-on-one date with Nick.  They go horseback riding and then are way to excited about meeting Santa Clause, who gives them a wood carving that vaguely resembles the two of them.  Vanessa says "it's nice to hear Santa Clause believes in a future between Nick and I," as if Santa wouldn't have said that to any couple who he presumably gets paid to act jolly for.

Vanessa and Nick then have a discussion they both leave unhappy with.  Vanessa says she's not comfortable if Nick chooses her just because it's a slightly better relationship than one he has with someone else, and it's a good point, but no matter how much better Nick's relationship with Vanessa might be, he's not allowed to tell her because that's no fun for the audience!

Nick and Raven then have their date.  They go ice skating and then Nick brings out a bunch of husky puppies for Raven to play with and I don't care if he breaks up with her, Raven is the real winner of Finland.  Raven says "I hope my kids with Nick are as cute as these puppies," and I hate to break it to her, but nothing is as cute as those puppies.

Anyway, Raven tells Nick she has no hesitations about their relationship, and Nick babbles at her.  At this point it's obvious who is going to win: Vanessa was crying at the end of her last date and Raven is soooo confident and I see what you're trying to pull, producers, but there's no way you're not going to show Vanessa emotionally winning and confident Raven get heartbroken.

Nick then gets to meet with Neil Lane for, what, the fourth time?  He picks out what I hope is the largest diamond yet.

Then we have the rose ceremony.  Raven's up first, gives a speech, and despite Nick's very drawn out words, Raven (and everyone watching) knows immediately he's breaking up with her.  She leaves and Vanessa shows up.  Vanessa tells Chris Harrison, "I'm nervous," and Chris Harrison says, "you should be," which I'm sure didn't help.

Vanessa goes in and Nick launches into his I love you speech.  He says "I'm glad I don't have to try not to say it," which is actually pretty sweet.  They sleigh ride into the sunset.

The End.

But not really, because we have After the Final Rose where Chris Harrison asks questions that makes it seems like he really wanted Nick to have been runner up once again.  We find out Raven is heading to Bachelor in Paradise and that Vanessa is moving to LA.

The, "it's like the queen has arrive" with Rachel coming out for an "epic surprise" (Chris Harrison's words, not mine).

That surprise is that Rachel gets to meet four of her suitors live on ATFR!  It's awkward and a little cringe-y, especially when a white dude says he's "ready to go black and [he's] never gonna go back."  Oof.  Despite that, I am still excited for Rachel's season!!!

"Falling in love is a big leap of faith, and certainly so is jumping in freezing cold water"

This week, we basically had two episodes air on the same night: the "to be continued" portion of the Fantasy Suites and Women Tell All.

Fantasy Suites Part 2

After a brief recap, we see Nick leaving Raven after their Fantasy Suite date.  Raven tells us she's pretty satisfied and that "Nick is good at what he does."  And if that wasn't enough, we get a lengthy montage of Raven skipping around Finland and playing in the snow to an upbeat 80s-ish pop song.

Can we just take a moment to appreciate the fact that
Rachel is wearing a penguin printed onesie?

Rachel and Nick have a lovely date failing at cross country skiing and feeding reindeer.  Rachel does finally say that she's falling in love with Nick, which earns her a night in the Fantasy Suite!

Vanessa and Nick's date consists of  jumping in icy water and then running into a sauna repeatedly in matching swimsuits for a while before trying to discuss the future where neither of them want to move to the other's country.  They don't really resolve anything, but they do go to the Fantasy Suite.

Rachel goes home at the rose ceremony, and we watch a goodbye that would have been heart wrenching if we didn't already know she was the next Bachelorette.

Women Tell All

First of all, we got to watch a montage of people screaming, I mean, of Nick and Chris Harrison crashing viewing parties in LA.  They even "crashed" a Backstreet Boys viewing "party" where they drank rosé with three of the boys.

But on to the show itself!  As if we didn't get enough of it all season, Women Tell All was the Corinne and Taylor showdown.  It was pretty uncomfortable to watch- Corinne didn't listen to a word anyone said and made up her own version of what happened.  It was quite Trump-like, and I don't really want to revisit it.  Corinne also talked about Raquel, her nanny, and how she calls her a nanny because "cleaning lady" is disrespectful.  Everyone said they wanted "a Raquel" and I wonder if they realize Raquel is an actual person and not something they can own?  Anyway, through all this, girls we forgot even existed showed up to yell about the Taylor-Corinne drama half of them weren't even around for.  We never once heard from Danielle M, who made it to the top 6!  This is thanks to Women Tell All being the last chance to earn a spot on Bachelor in Paradise.

We did get a break from the yelling in the form of Liz, with some girl power speeches about being true to your self.  We even found out there is more to her than having once slept with Nick!  Shocking!  We also heard from Kristina (when Chris Harrison told her she "is the American Dream") and then Rachel, who everyone is just thrilled will be the next Bachelorette.  The yelling came back at the this point, but only because all of the women wanted to tell Rachel how beautiful and awesome she is at the same time.  And of course Nick came out to confront them all.  Nick tells Rachel "I think the guys are really lucky to meet you," to which Rachel replies "they are."

"I'm not gonna get engaged just because I'm the Bachelor"

This week's episode was a tale in three almost unrelated acts:

ACT I:  Andi Comes to Call

ACT II:  A Farewell to Corinne

ACT III:  Quoth the Raven: Never-O

Act 1

As teased to us last week, Andi shows up at Nick's hotel room right before the rose ceremony.  He invites her in and offers her a drink.  "I think this conversation might call for some whiskey," she says.  "I'm really curious as to why Andi's here?" Nick muses to the camera, as if he doesn't know this is something producers try to do almost every season.

If you didn't watch Andi's season, here's the cliff notes: Nick made it to the top two and lost to douchebag jock Josh.  During After the Final Rose, Nick asked Andi why she "made love to him" if she wasn't going to pick him and it was awkward and also caused drama for Andi and Josh (who have long been split us).

Back to New York and Nick and Andi today:  they discuss Nick's experience and how he has four strong women left ("and they stuck around?").  Andi asks if Nick is going to have sex with these final three.  He says he doesn't know (yeah, right), and Andi asks if he regrets asking her about their "making love."  He apologizes, in a long roundabout way, but Andi seems ok with it and they hug, she wishes him luck, and leaves.

Act 2

Time for the first rose ceremony in what feels like months!  Raven, Rachel, and Vanessa get roses.  Corinne cries as Nick walks her out.  She apologizes to Nick, who says she has nothing to apologize for.  Then comes the good part: her limo exit.  She starts her drive bemoaning how her heart will never mend and keeps talking until she's declaring she'll never kiss up to a man ever again.  She also asks the camera "why can't I have a normal relationship?" and, uh, what part of going on a TV show to find love did she think would lead to a normal relationship?  With that over with, she takes a nap.

Act 3

Raven gets the first Fantasy Suite week date.  They are in Finland and go on an awesome looking helicopter ride around Urho Kekkonen National Park.  They then play darts in a Finnish pub and it's all fun and dates like the Bachelor should be.  Then they start talking.  And end up arguing about ironing vs steaming clothes and it's so boring, the fact they are enjoying it means they are probably meant for each other.

Side note: Nick is wearing the chunkiest, most turtlenecky of turtleneck sweaters, while Raven is wearing the least useful of sweaters that doesn't cover her shoulders, let alone neck, as if to make up for Nick.

At dinner, Raven gives Nick an actually quite nice and real (real for this show that is) and long declaration of love.  He offers her the Fantasy Suite card, and she gleefully accepts, but wants to make sure Nick knows two things, which we have been hearing about all episode in between shots of their date:
1. She has only been sexually active with one guy she never even said I love you to (this is the guy who cheated on her and she beat him with a stiletto)
2. She's never had an orgasm

So, no pressure, Nick.  And we won't find out if this night has a satisfying ending until next week's three hour extravaganza.

The episode ends with a Rocky-esque montage of Nick running around in the snow and lifting logs over his head.

"Would that be okay with you" is the new "Can I ask for your daughter's hand in marriage"

We start week eight back in week seven- a pattern that is just not going to end this season.  The girls are chilling in their Bimini suite freaked out because Nick is not playing by the rules re: sending girls home at rose ceremonies.

Nick shows up and painstakingly slowly gives a speech to put them out of their misery.  Turns out he's giving them all roses!  The girls are almost giddy with relief.  But, Nick says, "it's a two way street" so he still has to ask them individually in case, you know, the Stockholm Syndrome hadn't actually set in yet.  He even offers Raven a rose although she already got one during the last group date.

For the first hometown visit this season, we head to Hoxie, AL where Raven drives up to Nick on an ATV to whisk him away into the mud.  But, like literally into the mud.  They take a pit stop at a grain bin, which I guess is what Alabaman's call silos, to climb up, because Raven says thats where you have meaningful conversations.  No meaningful conversations today though, because a cop pulls up and yells at them to come down.  He starts interrogating them about if they have their IDs but then, haha, jokes! It's Raven's brother!  I have to say, her brother was a pretty decent actor considering how forced these situations generally seem.  Anyhow, meeting the bro done with, the two have some more ATV racing to attend to before having a water fight and making out in a marsh.

They clean up and head to Raven's parent's home, while we get a voiceover reminding us how Raven's dad got diagnosed with lung cancer a year an a half ago and how she didn't know if he'd make it to meet a guy she brings home.  They sit down and Raven's dad tells her he's cancer free.  It's a pretty big moment for them to share with Raven and some guy who will probably dump her on TV in a couple of weeks.  Raven and her dad then have an emotional conversation where Raven says she would walk down the aisle alone if he died.  Then Nick asks her dad for his blessing, but in a rambling question about if at the end of this he and Raven don't want to say goodbye, would it be ok by dad if they got engaged?  Raven's dad says he trusts his daughter's judgement, so if she's happy, he is.

I think this is how you get weird bacterial diseases?

On to Dallas, TX to be the first white dude Rachel's brought home!  Rachel takes Nick to her church since it's an important part of her life, but also a predominantly black place.  The pastor (reverend? minister?  I'm not up on religious titles, but the guy giving the sermon is who I am referring to) calls out Rachel and welcomes Nick and it's all very wholesome.  Nick and Rachel then talk about how comfortable they are in church and sort of talk about race and how they'd be an interracial couple.

They then go have dinner with Rachel's family and then they all talk about race.  I'm sure they also talked about other things, but this is all we saw.  Knowing that Rachel is the next Bachelorette, this makes sense, as the Bachelor franchise for the first time is going to actually have to talk about real things.  Rachel's sister brings up a good point about how it's great that Nick has no problems with being an interracial couple, but with the climate these days, one has to deal with society as well.  I also liked the moment when Rachel and Nick sat down with her sister and brother-in-law and Nick told them they make them feel comfortable, to which Rachel's sister says, "why, because you all look like us?"  (Rachel's sister is married to a white guy).  Rachel tells her mom she could see herself falling in love with Nick, and despite being the only one who hasn't expressed love for Nick (to him or produces), still seems to be a front runner even though we know they don't end up together.

First race, and now religion: The Bachelor is getting ahead
of itself in bringing up potentially controversial topics!

And for a complete change of pace, we go down to Miami, FL and get a peek into Corinne's world.  Corinne wants to show Nick a typical day in her life, and shockingly, it is not spent at an office running her multi-million dollar business.  They go to an "exclusive" mall.  The retail personnel all know Corinne and even bring her champagne while shopping.  Nick tries on a bunch of expensive clothes and Corinne buys him over $3000 worth of clothes that look similar to clothes I buy at the Gap.  The last time I spent over $3000 dollars on something, it was my graduate school tuition and I had to take out a loan.  Corinne then tells Nick she loves him in a mall restaurant before heading to the penthouse where her family and nanny live.  Before Nick and Corinne show up, we get to see her parents and sister talk about her.  Her sister says "he's older than Corinne, so, like more mature" and her dad says, "strike one, strike two, strike three" and first off, that's only one, maybe two strikes, but sure.  Anyhow, Corinne gets squeals of glee from her family and they all sit down to dinner.  

Raquel serves them food, pours their wine, and then sit down to join them.   It's pretty uncomfortable to watch considering while she's serving them, they are all talking about her and how she was basically a second mom to Corinne.  Corinne also complained that the other girls made fun of her for having a nanny.  Corinne and her dad talk, and her dad is concerned that Nick won't be able to afford Corinne's expensive taste and that she should be prepared for the worst case scenario.  That being Nick is a stay at home dad and Corinne has to work, presumably at her daddy's business.  Corinne's dad brings this up with Nick as well when he does his prepared speech asking for the ok for marrying his daughter.  But after a while, Corinne's dad says "I think Corinne is the lid to Nick's pot," so I guess he approves.

Nick is wearing a $1400 sweatsuit there.

Time to leave the country to visit Montreal, Canada, where Vanessa lives!  And this hometown could not be more different than the extravagant show in Miami.  Vanessa takes Nick to visit the school she teaches at, where she teaches adult's with special needs.  A bunch of students and teachers are waiting to greet them with signs and roses and tears.  It's an emotional homecoming and you can tell how much Vanessa's students care about her, and how much she cares about them.  She and Nick then make a scrapbook of their journey with her students.

Next, Vanessa tells Nick they are going to her mom's and then her dad's separately, since that's how real life would be.  Dinner with Vanessa's mom includes "15 loud Italians" who all care so much about Vanessa, most of them cry during this evening and do not go easy on Nick.  It becomes clear that Nick and Vanessa have not talked about the future and who would move where, which is kind of important.  Vanessa's mom calls Nick out on his response to why he likes Vanessa, as his first answer was about her looks (which is more or less how he answered that question with the other parents).  Then they go to Vanessa's dad's house where Nick does his "would that be ok [if your daughter and I got engaged]" speech, and his dad says he can't and gets Nick to admit, reluctantly, that he's already asked other dads.  They talk some more, and Nick kind of gets the blessing.  Vanessa then finds out from her dad that Nick asked all the girls' dads for permission (emphasis on dads- we did not see Nick asking Rachel's mom for permission since dad wasn't there), and that doesn't sit well with her, but guess what?  We won't know what Vanessa does with these new feelings until next week.

Between her students and family, it's obvious Vanessa needs to
stay in Montreal, so if Nick wants to continue pursuing
TV and modeling or whatever in LA, he really shouldn't pick her.

We end this week with a teaser of Andi showing up with an ominous knock and a "Hello Nick."  Of course, this will amount to nothing more than her giving him advice and good luck.  So, to be continued then.

"Let's dive into bed"

We begin this week with another cliffhanger that is hardly suspenseful considering all of the preview footage we've already seen.  I feel like the editors are really dropping the ball this season with spoilers in every preview of the next episode/rest of season.  For example, Rachel is clearly a frontrunner and perhaps the only person to give Vanessa a run for her money in winning this thing, yet we now know she's the new Bachelorette, so clearly Nick doesn't pick her.

Anyway, Nick comes in to reassure the girls that he thinks one of the six left will probably be his wife and that we're going to Bimini!  The girls cheer and yell "Bimini" more times than the number of viewers who have even heard of Bimini.

Vanessa gets the first one on one date, much to Corinne's chagrin as she's the only one who hasn't gotten a one on one yet, which in her defense, is odd this late in the season.  Vanessa and Nick head off on a yacht, and Vanessa says "I've never been on a boat before" even though we just saw her on one last week.  They go snorkeling by a ship wreck and make-out underwater.  In the evening, they have dinner and Vanessa tells Nick she's falling in love with him.  Nick decides to give her a speech about how he's said I love you on this show before and that he doesn't want to say I love you to more than one person and it really is not the best response to someone declaring their love.

For the group date, Corinne, Raven, and Kristina get to join Nick to swim with sharks.  Corinne really wants the date to go well so she can take Nick home to meet her "nanny slash maid" who is also her "best friend in the entire world," but Nick seems to be paying more attention to Kristina and even helps her rub sunscreen on her inner thigh.  Corinne pouts and complains that she's "literally trying to win over [her] fiancé," which is literally not the case.  Raven is pretty confident that Corinne and Kristina will get eaten by sharks, while she'd just punch them in the face.  Her confidence was not unfounded as she ends up getting the group date rose and the chance to make-out while watching some band Nick had to namedrop.

Real nice camera shot that really sums up this show:
Nick kisses a woman while other women are sad nearby.

Onto Danielle M's one on one date, where they bike around Bimini, play sports with local kids, and Danielle M admits to be "like one hundred and fifty bajillion percent" falling in love with Nick.  They chat about going home to Wisconsin and Nick tells Danielle M that she's "fun to have fun with" and that her "face is pretty great."  Which is apparently not what Nick is looking for in a wife, because he sends her home.  She cries and leaves and the other girls are sad for her.

Corinne wants to make sure Nick doesn't pull that with her and goes to visit Nick.  She says the following statements:
"I'd live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick" (as opposed to all those shacks with diamonds?)
"I am not a runner up" (but you want to marry one, apparently)
"I'm going to blow that room up"
"I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm"
"I know how to make a man feel good and I do way better than anyone else because my heart is gold but my vagine is platinum" (we finally see the context to this quote considering it's been in every season/episode preview montage since night one)
"You must have two hands on at all times.  Never jiggle, lightly massage"  (this she says to Nick behind closed doors)

So if you hadn't picked up on it, Corinne has decided to have sex with Nick.  But since having sex before the fantasy suites (or during, really), hasn't really worked out for him in the past, he turns Corinne down, and she leaves, pretty upset.

During all of the above, all we get to see is shots of this empty
champagne bottle with breathy audio because while Nick and
Corinne were allowed some "alone" time, they were still clearly mic'd 

Next, Rachel gets the last date of the episode, where she and Nick wander around Bimini.  They chat about Nick meeting her parents and she says she's never brought home a white boy before and they reenforce the fact that Nick needs to call her dad "sir."  Considering we know things aren't going to work out (yay #RachelforBachelorette), I'd wager a good amount Rachel's family visit doesn't go very smoothly.

After the date, Rachel goes back to the hotel beaming and makes Corinne even more worried about her place in Nick's heart.  Nick talks to Chris Harrison about knowing already who has to go home.  He shows up at the ladies' hotel, and they all know what's about to happen, but not with whom.  Nick pulls Kristina aside and says all the typical Bachelor things about not wanting to send her home but he feels it in his heart or whatever.  She is obviously quite upset, and the other girls are also pretty upset.  And of course the episode ends here, with a dramatic "coming up" montage of more crying by everyone involved.