"I, like, literally can't watch"

Let's jump right in.  The first date of the episode is a group date.  Maquel, Jaqueline, Lauren B., Tia, Marikh, Bekah M., Bibiana, and Krystal are going to be GLOB, the Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor.  The Bachelor version of GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies of Wresting), with some of the original GLOW - Babe the Farmers Daughter and Little Egypt, who neither I nor any of the girls have ever heard of.  They start to train them in fake, dramatic fighting moves and Arie does the worst somersault I think I've ever seen.  Apparently GLOW is mostly choreographed trash talking, and the pro ladies do the whole thing in character which is fine until one of them is giving Bibiana a hard time and makes fun of her name which seems racist?  Then they yell at Tia and pull her hair, and it was supposed to get the girls in the right mood, but was just uncomfortable to watch.

Anyway, the girls all get personas and silly costumes (Bekah the sex kitten, Maquel the lunch lady, Krystal the cougar, Jaqueline Miss Arkansas, Marikh the gold digger, Lauren B. the prom queen or something in a pink dress, Tia the southern belle, and Bibiana the bridezilla) and then fight, starting with Arie the Kissing Bandit who gets to fight Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King, Vegas wrestler slash contestant on Rachel's season.

That evening, they go to a touristy fancy trailer park place.  Arie tells the ladies he enjoyed watching them and seeing who was friends and who weren't, which is kind of an odd thing to say to eight of your girlfriends.  Krystal steals him off first, much to everyone, especially Bibiana's chagrin.  Bibiana complains about Krystal to anyone who will listen, including Arie, which, is like a Bachelor 101 no-no.  Arie kisses some other girls and gives Bekah M. the group date rose.

The one-on-one this week was with Lauren S.  Arie takes her to Napa where whey drink wine on strategically placed barrels around Hall Winery.  They chit chat and Lauren S. babbles at Arie.  She's nervous and doesn't feel like she's able to be herself and wouldn't give herself the rose if she was in Arie's position.  She's pretty perceptive.  Arie doesn't give her the rose.

A producer walks into the mansion to pick up Lauren S.'s suitcases and the other girls freak out.  Caroline starts crying, and Krystal monologues about how she tried to give Lauren S. advice, which no one appreciated.

Ashley, Becca K., Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, and Annaliese get to meet Bastian, Arie's dog, on the next group date.  In addition to bumper cars, it appears that Annaliese is also afraid of dogs, so I guess she's just going to cry on every date.  The girls learn how to do tricks with dogs and then put on the worst dog show ever, with Chris Harrison and Fred Willard commentating.  That night they go to an old bank where Arie seems to kiss everyone except Annalise.

At the cocktail party, Bibiana sets up a telescope and couch to woo Arie, so of course Arie "stumbles upon" this set up and makes out with like seven other girls on it.  Arie tells Bekah M. she's risky and Bekah M. tells him it's because he knows she doesn't need him.  He doesn't really have a response to that, so he kisses her.  Arie and Tia sit on hay bales and drink moonshine (which "tastes like gasoline in a good way") and make-out.  Annaliese tries to get Arie to kiss her, but it fails.  Later, she just straight up asks Arie if he sees anything with her.  He says no, so she leaves.

The rose ceremony happens, and Bibiana joins Lauren S. and Annaliese in going home this week.  She's sad and pissed, but don't worry girl, you're a lock for Bachelor in Paradise.

"White dudes acting crazy"

We start this episode with a montage of Rachel walking her dog, so you know it's going to be a good one.

Group Date #1: Rachel is looking for a trophy husband husband material

How to be a celebrity couple.

Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and Lucas get to join Rachel at a BBQ and then compete in a "Husband Material Challenge."  It should be fairly drama free except we get a "Lucas is garbage" right off the bat from Blake, whose insistence he's going to ruin this for Lucas is clearly going to be his downfall.

To help Rachel heckle the guys during the Husband Material obstacle course, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis join the show.  They ask the guys if they have health insurance and jobs, and when they all say yes, they give Rachel a high five.  Iggy asks if they're setting the bar too low, to which Mila replies, "Have you watched the Bachelor?"  Because she and Ashton sure have.  According to them, they heard there was a contestant that looked like Ashton, started watching, and were hooked (that contestant was Jared from Kaitlyn's season, by the way).

Anyway, the guys attempt the obstacle course and are terrible at everything causing Mila to literally fall on the ground laughing.  Lucas somehow wins despite basically drowning his fake baby in a sink and shoving Kenny out of the way.  He does the Whaboom thing for Ashton and Mila who react like all of us ("Why?").

During the evening portion of the date, Rachel has some lackluster conversations with the guys, which included a terrible poem by Lucas and Blake using his time with Rachel to complain about Lucas.  It comes out the Blake lived with Lucas's ex girlfriend and they have a weird argument.  Everyone else is a bit uncomfortable around them and don't seem to care about Lucas being annoying as much as Blake does.  "These white dudes are kinda bugging right now," says Kenny, providing us a nice alternative title for the show.

Dean then gets the group date rose and also a lot of lipstick smudged on his face kiss.

First One on One Date (or should I say, two on one date)

The perfect family.

Peter gets to take a private jet to Palm Springs with Rachel, but that's not even the best part.  The best part is that he also gets to spend the day with Rachel's adorable dog Copper who is not letting a cast slow him down.

#CopperForBachelor?

They go to BarkFest, which is basically a party where everyone brings their dogs.  They have a ton of fun and then have a nice dinner together where they actually seem to talk about real things (like how they have matching gap teeth and that therapy has really helped them in relationships).  Peter obviously gets the rose and they end the evening with a fireworks show.

Group Date #2: Swish
Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, and DeMario get to play basketball for Rachel.  And because apparently all of Rachel's friends are actually famous people, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is there to help judge the guys.  "Basketball is a good game to connect to romance," Kareem tells Rachel in a not at all producer-fed line.  His appearance is interesting considering he wrote an article pretty harshly critiquing The Bachelor (and then wrote a follow-up for Monday's episode).

After the guys run drills for a while, they are informed they will play a live game in front of fans, which we then see includes AJ, Adam's creepy doll, and a full high school marching band.  Based on previews and a few interactions so far, I know Lee will soon be my least favorite guy once the Blake-Lucas stuff is over, but I appreciated his comments during the game.  He was well aware that he sucks at basketball, but decided to just have fun and laugh and not freak out about it.  Luckily for him, everyone was playing poorly.  Lee describes it: "when it came to shooting, everybody was shooting [he pauses, realizing he was about to say blanks] just random shot bullets everywhere.  Just duds."  After an incredibly low scoring game, Lee, Alex, Adam, Will, and Eric are victorious.  They guys head to the locker room while Rachel chats with adoring fans.

The last fan to leave is a girl name Lexi, who tells Rachel DeMario ghosted her to come on this show and she found him out watching After the Final Rose.  Rachel is floored and goes to get DeMario.  The other guys are bummed because they think he's getting the group date rose.  DeMario's pumped until he sees Lexi.  He tries to be smooth and asks Rachel "who's this?"  Lexi says "Karma's a bitch, isn't it, DeMario," and you know she's been planning that sentence for a long time.  Lexi goes off and it's clear to DeMario he's not going to be able to play it off that he doesn't know her.  He spirals: "She's pyscho", "I met her many, many times ago", "This is personal life stuff", "I mailed those keys to your apartment".

Rachel grills both of them, and Lexi shows her texts from DeMario.  DeMario is trying so desperately and ineffectively to salvage his public image, but Rachel is having none of it.  "I'm really gonna need you to get the f*ck out" she says.  DeMario leaves in a van, Chris Harrison shows up to play psychiatrist, but Rachel blows him off and marches into the women's restroom.  She goes to inform the rest of the guys who are pretty shocked.  The evening is pretty uneventful; there's another poem, Alex sings at her poorly in Russian, Josiah gets the group date rose.

The Cocktail Party: Return of DeMario
Rachel lectures the guys about pure intentions and then they do normal cocktail party stuff like give her a massage, play with barbies, and have thumb wars.  Meanwhile, DeMario shows up and security is keeping him out.  He tells Chris Harrison that "someone from my past came up and assassinated my character."  Chris Harrison steals Rachel away, who is curious.  Fred and Lee eavesdrop on Chris and Rachel and immediately go round up the rest of the dudes to go outside after DeMario.  It's very Beauty and the Beast Mob Song-esque.  Then we get the first To Be Continued of the season.

Another picture of Copper for good measure.

P.S. These guys may be the smartest set of contestants this show has seen, but they somehow don't have a grasp on normal phrases (despite one of them using "duplicitous" naturally in a sentence).  A collection from this episode:

"The only leg I have to stand on are my two legs." - Lucas
"You can either sink with the fishes, or swim to shore." - DeMario
Rachel's "legging-tights [...] fit her body like a coca cola bottle." - Josiah