Becca and "the best looking guy in the house"

We start this week's episode still in last week's episode.  The cocktail party is in full swing- Blake and Becca talk about how many kids they want and that they want to name their daughters traditionally boys' names.  The gentlemen give a toast to David who is still in the hospital while Jordan sulks in the corner.  He goes to chat with Becca who gives him gold shot-shorts and calls him Captain Underpants.  Coincidentally (but not actually because the producers of this show have figured out bad timing after a million seasons of this thing), David returns while Jordan is with Becca who immediately wants to go say hi.  David looks pretty busted up, but everyone is happy he's back.  Except Jordan, of course, who has a nice little monologue about how David is trying to save face but "has no face to save" and that he, Jordan, is "one of the better looking guys in the house.  Some of the guys think [he's] the best looking guy in the house."  Ugh, someone needs to knock this guy down a few pegs.  Jordan goes on to say he's pretty confident about getting a rose 'cause he's super hot and David's face: "it's just a Picasso.  You know, the clock's over here, the beach is there."  Jordan is confusing Picasso with Dali and I don't know why I'm surprised the male model isn't good with art history that even I, a scientist who's avoided the humanities, knows.  Much to Jordan's dismay, Becca gives David a rose and tells him to go rest and that he doesn't have to sit through the rose ceremony.  Jordan is so confident and, like the best, he rants at everyone about how he's Captain Underpants, and he is reaaaallllly letting David get into his head.  Anyway, the rose ceremony happens; Nick is wearing a track suit for some reason, and Ryan and Mike go home.  No one has heard Ryan or Mike speak this whole season, so, no surprises there.

UTAH!

Time to leave LA!  We jump right into the dates.  Garrett gets the first one-on-one date.  They wander around Park City doing cute touristy things before taking a gondola up a mountain to go bobsledding with some actual Olympians: Valerie and Shauna are not only 2006 Olympic Silver medalists, but they're married, so I guess this date activity is a metaphor for love, too.  Looks intense and fun and Becca and Garrett get champagne and a make-out session at the end.

Back at the house, we learn that Lincoln is a flat-earther and luckily the rest of the guys are as bewildered at his stupidity as the rest of us.  There's hope for some of them yet.

Back to Becca and Garrett.  In the evening portion of the date, Becca ask's about Garrett's past relationships.  Turns out, Garrett was married and "one thing led to another, and we got divorced."  What, what?  When I say "one thing led to another" it's more like, there were free tequila shots and "one thing led to another and" I puked or, I was watching The Bachelorette and "one thing led to another and" I drank a whole bottle of rosé.  Divorce maybe needs slightly more of an explanation.  Garrett blames the whole thing on the girl, and Becca claims to be concerned, but also she finds Garrett, like, so cute, so he gets the rose.  Oh, and a country concert where they dance and kiss on a little stage while Bachelor fans take pictures and ignore the country artist we've never heard of.

Group date time!  Thirteen of the dudes still left get to compete in a lumberjack competition.  They don matching flannel and throw logs around.  But that evening, the drama begins.  We get two dramatic story lines!  First off, Jordan is pissing the guys off, but it's not David this time that gets riled up.  Chris and Colton pull Jordan aside to confront him about not being here for the right reasons.  As all of these confrontations go, it is not remotely productive.  They call each other names and nothing is resolved.  Then Jean Blanc spirals.  He's clearly very insecure and decides to give Becca a perfume named "Miss Becca Blanc", plant a kiss on her, and proclaim falling in love.  Hooooo boy is it awkward.  And it only gets worse.  Becca tells him she's just not feeling it and starts to walk him out.  He stops her to throw a hail mary and claim he didn't really mean the falling in love thing and that he was just saying what he though she wanted him to say.  She was rightfully taken aback, so he tries to take that back too... She cancels the rest of the night.

Wills gets the second one-on-one this week.  Becca is still distracted by the whole Jean Blanc debacle, but Wills is a total sweetheart and they snowmobile and drink champagne in the snow, and it's super sweet.

As per usual around this time of the season, Becca cancels the cocktail party and they all go straight to the rose ceremony.  Everyone blames Jean Blanc.  Christen and Nick fail to get roses.  Jordan is pissed because he got the last rose and he's never gotten last place in anything before.  In fact, he beats out other male models all the time.  He leaves us with this nonsense: "I'm like a sponge.  You can squeeze me and get everything out of me but you'll never know unless you try."  Good grief.

"These donkeys have some sick haircuts"

We return this week to Shawn and Nick's useless bro-fight.  Okay, we get it, you hate each other.  And Nick, if you think being Eskimo brothers with someone is not a good thing, then I have bad news for you because I'm pretty sure you just became Eskimo brothers with your worst enemy.

"Best sleepover ever!"
Ben and Kaitlyn have an overnight date riding horses and staying in a castle.  It's adorable and Ben says all of the right things, including the L word.

Ben is way too wholesome for Kaitlyn.

"Golf is a lot like love..."
Thanks, Shawn, we haven't heard a cheesy love metaphor in a while.  Kaitlyn takes Shawn golfing for their overnight and then, in a one-sided game of truth or dare, makes Shawn run around the golf course naked.  I guess the producers were feeling guilty about the lack of pool parties and gratuitously shirtless men and were trying to make up for it.

Return of the black box.

Over dinner, Kaitlyn brings up everyone's favorite subject: Nick!  She then decides to end the conversation abruptly with the invitation to forgo their individual rooms.  Because kissing seems to be Kaitlyn's (so far successful) strategy to not have to actually talk about anything.

Nick is lurking when Shawn emerges the next morning because apparently he didn't get enough of angry Shawn after his own fantasy suite and they proceed to argue unproductively again, but in Nick's room this time.

Shawn wins the champagne chugging contest.

In a predictable rose ceremony, Kaitlyn cries and sends drama-free, perfect, ridiculously hot Ben home (to presumably be the next Bachelor)  and Shawn and Nick readjust their pants 18 times and avoid eye contact because apparently they aren't allowed to leave.

Next up: Utah for "hometowns," probably so people on the internet can make fun of polygamy.

"I'm totally in love with you.... so, yeah"
Nick has a thousand siblings and his family is very concerned to the point of tears that Nick has made a huge mistake going on this show.  Again.   Nick tries to soothe his mom's worries by telling her that "[Kaitlyn]'s great at making out."  He also drops the L word on Kaitlyn and tells her that they "should make babies someday."

"What the hell's going on.  This is nuts."
We learn that sisters are Kaitlyn's jam because she has 7 of them, and then she actually gets along nicely with Shawn's sisters.  Shawn's dad is quite skeptical of the situation but that doesn't stop Shawn from also dropping the L word to Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn's confused and there will definitely be lots of tears and drama in the finale.

Next week, though, we get a break from the Shawn and Nick hate each other show for Men Tell All!  Are JJ and Clint still together?  Is Ian still a pompous asshole?  Did Joshua's hair grow back?  Has Kupah reevaluated his relationship with fireball?  Has creepy Tony married a bonsai yet?  Has Jared shaved his sad attempt at a beard?  Hopefully we'll have answers, come Monday!