"I'd still take hanging out with JoJo over eating cow intestine" (understatement of the season)

Still in Argentina, JoJo has to decide whose parents she wants to meet.

She starts with a 1 on 1 date with Alex, the only guy left who hasn't had one, which is apparently very clear to other guys as Jordan responds with "now you can stop bitching."

JoJo and Alex have an awkward car ride into the country while the other dudes make up a rap about how Alex is short and JoJo likes the rest of them better.

Then JoJo and Alex dress up like gauchos (supposedly), ride horses, and then spoon with a horse.  JoJo explains that her relationship has changed with Alex and she thinks it has to do with spending time with him, and isn't that how relationships work?

That poor horse

It seems to be inexplicably going well for Alex until he professes his love for JoJo.  He apparently can't read facial expressions because he keeps babbling about how this all feels great and then JoJo sends him home.  JoJo cries because it's hard and she doesn't know what she's doing and why wouldn't Alex make eye contact when getting in the sad van?  Maybe because you just broke his heart on national television just when he thought he was going to finally be like his twin and be married too?

Anyway, it's time for a date with Jordan, who JoJo is still very much obsessed with.  They go to a vineyard and crush grass with their feet and then drink that grape juice, which, ew.  Then there's a hot tub, obviously.  Later, JoJo asks about Jordan's family and he goes into a monologue about how close he is to his family except Aaron (you know, the famous one who's dating Olivia Munn and the reason we all wanted a hometown date for this schmuck), and how football doesn't define him, implying it defines his brother and his brother is the one who's distanced himself from the family blah blah blah.  Then he says he's "so in love" with JoJo and she's all over him.

What a sad tableau

The group date this week is for Chase, Robby, and James Taylor, and the producers either totally forgot to plan it, or the rain really did ruin their plans, because the guys and JoJo had a "slumber party."  We find out that James Taylor's "A-game" is being able to fit an absurd number of french fries in his mouth, Robby really likes saying the words "front-runner," and Chase continues to have no personality.  They all seem kind of drunk and all more or less profess their love for JoJo.  Robby for some reason gets the group date rose and they make-out with a thunderstorm backdrop while James Taylor and Chase pout in the elevator.

Just remember: it was James Taylor's idea to stuff the fries in his mouth

Luke gets the third one on one date this week, and they ride horses and shoot guns.  JoJo says "Luke is for sure a man," so I guess that's a concern she has about the other dudes?

In a surprise twist, Luke doesn't get an evening portion of the date and goes back to inform the guys that the rose ceremony is happening right now, "so, yee-haw."

James Taylor does not get a rose and it's a tearful goodbye for both James Taylor and JoJo.  For anyone who thought James Taylor had a chance, let me remind you what her final four look like and try to tell me she doesn't have a type:

Meet Jordan, Ken Doll Jordan, Country Jordan, and Jordan 2.0

"Life ain't all blueberries and paper airplanes"

We start right where we left off last episode: Chad has just had a talk with Chris Harrison and returns to the rest of the men in the mansion.  He says he's not trying to start shit and that some of these guys are probably good guys or something, but hey, just live and let live.  Evan tells him he should apologize, after all, Chad did ruin one of his shirts.  Chad does not think he was in the wrong and instead offers Evan $20.

But it's time for the pool party.  Chicken Fights! Shots!  Hot tub!  Synchronized diving!  Evan gets a bloody nose for no reason and is embarrassed.  JoJo jokingly asks if Chad did it even though he was obviously not involved in that dive.  "Apparently Evan just bleeds thinking about me," Chad quips.  Everything is going great- "even Chad seems to be having fun," says JoJo, until Evan steals JoJo from Chad who then does his hovering thing and overhears Derek telling JoJo about him.  JoJo leaves to get ready for the rose ceremony and Chad decides to confront Derek.  Chad is very angry and Derek is somehow super calm and articulate.  Chad accuses Derek of watching JoJo on the Bachelor, to which Derek responds, "why would you not watch?"  Chad says he has a job and a life and WE ALL DO CHAD, but we still manage to watch this show.

I probably wouldn't be this calm with The Chad staring at me like that

Time for the rose ceremony: Chad gets the very last rose, much to everyone's disappointment.  We lose the guy who dressed up as Santa the first night, the guy who looks like Aladdin, and the second to last non-white guy.  I would like to note that Evan did not stick to his ultimatum and stayed even when Chad got a rose.

It's time to leave LA!  JoJo and the guys head to the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania.  Luke gets the one-on-one date, and they go mushing through the woods where they find a wood-fired hot tub!  We learn that JoJo is bad at getting into hot tubs.  She calls Luke a "beautiful looking GQ model" and they make out in the hot tub.  That evening she learns about Luke's time in the military and how he lost his mentor and of course he gets a rose.  They then head over to a concert of yet another musical group I've never heard of, but this time there's an audience.  Not to worry, there's a weird platform in the middle of the crown where Luke and JoJo can kiss for all to see and take pictures of with their phones.

maybe this was just a ploy so he could touch her butt...

Back at the mansion, Chad is complaining about the other guys and we get gratuitous shots of  a black bear.  Chad says ominously that "it's not a good idea to poke the Chad-bear."  The group date card arrives and makes it clear that Chad and Alex are going to end up on the dreaded two-on-one date.  Jordan calls Alex "an American hero," while Chad says this will be a date of a "grown man vs an angry child."

The group date brings Derek, James Taylor, Daniel, Chase, Wells, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby to Heinz field where they are greeted by Ben Roethlisberger and a couple of his football buddies.  Jordan is obviously in his element, and Evan thinks he is ("I'm in win mode.  I spell win E-V-A-N" ugh), well, until he gets another bloody nose.  James Taylor gets hit in the head, but even he wants to show how manly he is and refuses stitches to keep playing.  They guys obviously have to compete for JoJo, and Jordan gets to play quarterback for both teams.  The Blue team wins, so Derek, Evan, James Taylor, Vinny, Robby, and Jordan get to spend the evening with JoJo.  Robby gets a make out session with JoJo on a pool table and JoJo says "you know... he's a man," which really clears up what she sees in him.  Jordan gets the group date rose, though, since JoJo is obsessed with him.

I bet they asked him not to wash the blood off for DRAMATIC EFFECT

And now, what we've all been waiting for since, oh, night one: The Chad and Alex two-on-one!  They get off to a great start by cussing at each other while waiting to be picked up for the date.  Jordan speaks up and Chad threatens him saying he's hunt him down after the show.  Jordan clearly thinks he's all bark and no bite and responds, "good one, tough guy."  Alex and Chad leave, and meet up with JoJo for a hike.  For some inexplicable reason, the guys are given axes to help clear the trail, and why are you giving them weapons?!  Chad thinks Alex is a joke, but says that if things do go well, he'll "be taking his teeth home."  They set up a picnic on a rock and JoJo talks to Alex first.  Alex tells her how violent Chad is and uses threatening Jordan as an example.  She confronts Chad, who doesn't exactly deny it.   JoJo leaves to go cry and try to figure things out.

Back at the picnic, Chad chucks his cup in the river and goes back to Alex.  "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed," he says, like he's someone's dad or something.  Anyway, they have an indecipherable conversation ("the hay is in the barn, dude"  "the pigs are in the castle"  "I don't drink milk"  "you should, milk's delicious").  JoJo returns and asks Chad if he's threatened any of the other guys in the house to which Chad responds, "That's not 100% false" especially as he just literally, moments before, told Alex that the only reason he wasn't physically hurting Alex right now is because he might get in trouble.  JoJo lectures him on how violence is not the answer, and Alex is SO GIDDY that Chad isn't getting that rose that he doesn't seem to realize he only got the rose by default and probably would have gone home if JoJo didn't know her precious Jordan had been threatened.  I mean, she saw Chad have a physical altercation with Evan and Evan told her "me or him," and she didn't send Chad home, but hearing second hand that Chad might have threatened Jordan... that was it.

They probably gave then a small blanket so they had to all sit awkwardly close

Back at the mansion, a man walks in to pick up Chad's suitcase the rest of the guys are thrilled.  They pop champagne, party poppers, and take shots of fireball.  Chad's wandering the woods, whistling creepily, and suddenly, he's back at the house knocking on the door.  It's creepy as hell, and we won't know if anyone survives the Chad Bear for two whole weeks (thanks NBA).

Everyone hates Chad

We start this episode with a JoJo-staring-pensively-off-a-balcony shot while we hear her monologue about how she's ready for  love like Ben and Lauren found.  Maybe aim a little higher than love found on TV show that statistically won't last?

Then the show wastes no time in getting to the main event: The Chad.
"To a beautiful girl, a beautiful life, fuck you guys, I'm going to make her my wife," Chad toasts.  Then we get the first of many speeches from Chad about how he thinks he's so much better than these other men because these other men act like they've never seen a beautiful woman before and none of them are man enough for JoJo and Chad clearly suffers from gross over confidence.

Time for the first group date of the season!  The guys hear an explosion and run outside to see a limo on fire.  They laugh and look confused and are generally useless in an emergency, so good thing JoJo shows up in a fire truck to safe the day!  And she's smokin' hot! And we hear more "hot" puns because fire and do you think this date is going to be fire themed yet?

Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Wells, and Robby (JoJo's "B-team" per Chad) get to go to firefighter camp today.  Wells basically gets heat stroke and the other guys are bitter because JoJo is concerned about him and he gets some precious one-on-one time with her.  Somehow the nerd won out here in the Jock contest.  But then the real competition begins, and to no one's surprise, the real firefighter wins the firefighter contest.  In the evening portion, Luke and Grant get smooches but Wells gets the group date rose for managing not to die.

Back at Bachelor Mansion, the guys are writing a song for JoJo, and it appears the lyrics are just JoJo's name over and over again followed by a "yeah!" Doesn't one of these men write songs for a living and somehow that's the best they could do?  Chad is having none of this though and does pull-ups with a suitcase of protein powder hanging from his waist.

"There's nothing that can give you the gift of watching a man, in this case a Chad, use a weight belt in such a revolutionary way.   It's a gift from above."  I have to agree with James S.- Chad really is a gift from above.  He's just the worst ("a meathead in the max," the "highest level of d-bag"), but that makes him the best.

Next up, Derek gets the one-on-one date where he and JoJo have a "choose your own adventure"  that really only consists of three "choices:" sea or sky, north or south, and Lombard Street or Golden Gate Bridge.  They have a boring date drinking wine in San Francisco, he gets a rose, and let's get back to Chad.  The guys are still having a sing-a-long and Chad is still unimpressed, but now has an admirer.  Daniel and Chad sit around talk about protein powder and how they're just a couple of cool bros.

Group date number two takes Jordan, Christian, Nick, James Taylor, Alex, and Chad to ESPN.  JoJo is "on air" with Sportsnation debating whether Stephen Curry is the greatest player of all time.  JoJo says he's not, which makes me kind of glad that when this episode was airing, I was actually watching Steph Curry be pretty great at basketball instead of watching this.

Anyway, the men get to do some "fun" competition while the hosts of the show power rank them.   The first event is "Strike a Rose" where the guys have to do an end zone dance with a giant rose and it's just as terrible as it sounds.  The second event has them spin around on a bat and propose to JoJo and while the rest of the guys have cheesy lovey dovey speeches, Chad isn't here to play games or make friends and actually calls JoJo "naggy" when she asks him to elaborate on why he likes her.  Next they all go into a press conference.  One of the questions is who should not win, and every guy picks Chad.  Chad owns it and straight up tells JoJo no one else seems to be there for the right reasons and think they're in love and he just met her and is excited to see if it can work but just doesn't know yet because he's literally spent like 4 minutes with her.  It's all too real, and makes a lot of sense, but we still hate you, Chad.  James Taylor beats out Chad and Alex for the number one spot in the power rankings and Alex is furious to see his name just below Chad.

Chad is definitely not here to make friends.

Onto the evening portion of the group date.  James Taylor is just amazed some pretty girl likes him since he's not "abs McGee."  Chad's keeping a running commentary of these "children" he's competing with and it's just great:

"The best thing about Jordan is his brother.  The worst thing about Jordan is that he's not his brother."
"Alex is just too short"  (Chad is not going to let this go)
"Christian is constantly listening to his own words before he says them" (That's not how that saying goes)
"Nick is trying sooo hard it's coming off so weird" (and Nick seems relatively normal for this show)

Chad goes to talk to JoJo, who likes that he's being honest but feels like he's overcompensating for something.  Chad talks about his tiny dog which is his segue into how his mom is dead.

James Taylor says that if Chad got the group date rose he would have to "rethink [his] whole life."  Really?  You were just saying how JoJo is way out of your league, so why would it be any shock that she falls for the king of all douchebros?  Anyway, James Taylor gets the group date rose, so no rethinking one's life tonight.

Cocktail Party!  Chad decided to get some air so he doesn't have to hang out with his weak competitors and conveniently has an extra glass of wine for JoJo when she shows up.  They walk into the mansion together and the other guys are livid.  Alex takes it upon himself to lead an intervention.  The first confrontation is about him walking in with JoJo and how much meat he's eating.  Chad doesn't care and finds it entertaining the way the guys are getting SO worked up about him (I find it entertaining as well).  Chad steals JoJo from a couple of guys, which Alex compares to a horror film, so Alex confronts Chad again and tries to tell him he's creeping JoJo out.  Chad responds with a "fuck you," to which Alex responds "hey, cool, bro, cool."  They say things loudly at each other, and as Chad walks away, Alex shouts "you're a meltdown!" and honestly, that's the best insult you could come up with, bro?

Chad makes fun of the guys confronting him, comparing them to the West Side Story and Care Bears and "we're a group of butthurt dudes who are going to confront you... slightly" and he kind of has a point- their confrontation was a bit weak.  Chad is further convinced that the "competition's real light" and proceeds to gnaw on his meat during the Rose Ceremony.  Alex is still fuming and goes on a rant about the roses: "it's supposed to symbolize that you're a good guy and your here for the right reasons.  It's gonna represent just garbage if he gets that rose."  Oooooh boy, this is going to be a great season.

Chad is the Brad Pitt in Ocean's 11 of the Bachelorette:
always eating.

Guys we lost this week:
Brandon, the hipster
James S., the bachelor superfan who can now go back to being just a fan
Will, who thought it was a good idea to TP the mansion with JoJo tonight.

Inexplicably, Vinny the barber with an awful haircut and creepy male model, Daniel (who made a joke about pulling fire hoses that I think was supposed to imply he has lots of sex but it didn't land) are still around.