"But this is the Bachelor!"

Women Tell All this season should have just been called Women Rehash the Same Drama We Already Saw.  They really just had the women explain some drama, yell a bit, and then moved on to the next drama reenactment.

First drama to consider: glam-shaming.  As Brittany T said, "it's not a real thing!", but here we are.  The girls argue pointlessly about this, to no resolution.

Chris Harrison moves on and tries to bring up the Bekah's age drama by calling out Tia for telling Arie she didn't think Bekah was ready for marriage.  Bekah gets defensive and starts to lecture Krystal, which just turned into everyone yelling at Krystal, so she gets brought up to the hot seat.

Krystal basically doubles down on defending her behavior and everyone else just gets more and more worked up.  Caroline yell-cries at her, Bekah makes a lot of faces, and Krystal concludes by changing the topic completely and saying her homeless brother saw her on the Bachelor and didn't realize people cared for him and is now getting help.

Sienne get's pulled up to the front to be complimented, basically.  She tells Chris Harrison she's single and dating, so if he knows anyone he should send them her way!  To which Chris Harrison replies, "it is what I do!"

After that nice little interlude, it's back to the drama with Bekah M, to yet again defend her age.  If Bekah didn't get so defensive and wasn't so hyper, I'd almost believe her.  She's perfect for Bachelor in Paradise though, and Chris Harrison agrees.  After bringing up the crazy story of how Bekah ended up on a missing persons list in Humboldt County (she went to a pot farm, didn't have reception, and her mom freaked out), Chris Harrison makes Bekah call her mom on speaker phone and tells her "there's a good chance she'll be missing for two weeks this summer."

Tia, being the last girl here that got sent home, gets brought up to the hot seat to audition for the Bachelorette talk about how Arie broke her heart but that she's ready to find love again.

Last up, Arie has to face 18 of his ex girlfriends.  They allude to some DRAMA yet to come, with Caroline ominously saying to Arie, "I know what you did.  And I don't know how you could do that, and I just really don't understand."  More on that presumably next week...

Before we move on to Bloopers, Krystal inserts herself back into the hot seat to ask why Arie's goodbye was so cold.  Arie responds that looking back (after watching her on the show), his goodbye was pretty appropriate.  Oh, and apparently she told the other girls that Arie has a small penis, which wasn't clear because they kept bleeping something, but context clues leads me to believe the words were "needle dick."  So that happened.

Then we actually get the bloopers which included lots of girls scared by insects and Arie messing up in interviews and saying "merp."  After the bloopers, we are inexplicably joined by John Cena, who we shortly learn is there with Leslie Mann and Ike Barinholz to promote their new movie Blockers.  Then they try to make a Bachelor crossover of women getting "blocked" from stealing Arie from other girls.  It's a bit lame, but the movie they are promoting also looks a bit lame, so what can you do?

"Is a French kiss in France just a kiss?"

This week the girls get to stay on a boat hotel on the Seine River, which actually kind of warrants their squeals and running around upon arriving.  Not to let them enjoy themselves too much, Chris Harrison shows up to inform them there will be four dates this week: two one-on-ones, one group date, and *gasp* a two-on-one date.  Krystal, being very self-aware for the villain of this show responds with an "I wonder who will be on the two-on-one with me?"  Lauren B. is up first though, with the first one-on-one.

Arie and Lauren's date consists of wandering around Paris, with Arie pointing at things and Lauren saying nothing more than wow.  It's awkward, and Arie isn't sure he can make a connection with Lauren if she can't open up.  Somehow, though, during dinner, despite still saying very little, Arie is won over and Lauren gets some kisses and a rose.

Next up is the group date.  Becca K, Bekah M, Sienne, Tia, Chelsea, and Jenna get to go to the Moulin Rouge, dress up, and learn to dance, though we never really see why.  For the evening portion, Arie pretty much just kisses them all.  There is no meaningful enough discussion for me to take any note of.  Bekah M gets the group date rose, which means she gets to perform with Arie at the Moulin Rouge, while the other girls sulkily watch.  Arie tells us the Moulin Rouge is "sexy and cool," which is exactly what he said about Fort Lauderdale.

And now for the much anticipated two-on-one date.  Kendall, unfortunately, has to deal with Hurricane Krystal on this one.  Krystal's not worried, though; she laughs at Kendall's stressed reaction to the date card, and proclaims herself "fun wife material."  The date brings Arie, Krystal, and Kendall to an old chateau where they look at art and get lost in a labyrinth. They cheers in front of a fancy fountain and Arie takes Krystal aside to chat.  They seem to patch things up from last week, kiss, and it all seems peachy until Krystal brings up Kendall and tells Arie she doesn't think Kendall's ready for love/marriage.  Noooooo, Krystal, don't you know that talking about another contestant to the lead leads to being sent home?  Arie tells Kendall what Krystal says, and Kendall confronts Krystal.  But instead of asking "WTF crazy lady?" Kendall tries to connect with Krystal and gives a little speech about insecurity, imperfection, and empathizing with her.  Krystal says, "I don't really have words," which was hardly the appropriate response to that veritable olive branch.  Arie shows up to pick up the rose, but doesn't give it away yet.  Both girls get to go to dinner, and apparently talk to Arie, though we see none of these conversations, and instead see Arie ramble about logic and intuition before giving Kendall the rose.  Back on the boat-hotel, the girls cheer and pop champagne when producers roll Krystal's suitcase away.  Krystal looks broodingly out a chateau window while Kendall and Arie make-out in the Eiffel Tower.

Jaqueline gets the last date of this episode.  She says one of my favorite quotes about getting a date card:
"When I got the date card, I felt like I was given a pony for Christmas.  But it's also, like, if you don't learn to ride this pony correctly by the end of the day, it'll be shot."
Arie comes to pick her up in a little Triumph car which immediately breaks down.  Arie gets to be all "manly and mechanic-y" and Jaqueline eats it up.  "It is hot when guys who know things about things do things about things and talk about them," Jaqueline observes.  Arie then takes her shopping, buys her a dress and shoes for dinner at a fancy restaurant.  They chat about Arie being intimidated by her intelligence and how she's planning on getting a PhD.  It's an uncharacteristically serious and real conversation.  Despite reservations, Arie gives Jaqueline the rose.  They relocate to a more scenic location to make-out.

No cocktail party this week, it's straight to the rose ceremony.  Chelsea and Jenna go home.  Surprisingly and unsurprisingly, respectively.  The episode weirdly ends with Lauren having an almost compete-break down with a producer in a dimly lit area.  Then we get a preview of the rest of the season and it's literally just everyone crying.

"I wasn't hiding in my room, I was investing in myself."

"Did you guys go to the beach?" Dad asked, arriving home from work on a hot, summer's day.
"We rode bikes!" his children replied as a chorus.

Wait, I got that wrong.  Let's start over.

"Did you guys go to the beach?" Arie asked, arriving at a hotel to pick up one of his 13 girlfriends for a date.
"We rode bikes!" 13 twenty-something girls replied as a chorus.

"I'm on a dreamboat, but I'm also with a dreamboat!"

Arie and his girls are now in Fort Lauderdale.  Chelsea gets the first one-on-one date this week and they go yachting and jet skiing, conveniently in view of a telescope on the balcony of where they are all staying.  The other girls get the opportunity of seeing Chelsea straddle Arie on a jet ski and make-out with him, which seems incredibly unsafe.  In the evening portion, surrounded by a bunch of old cars for some reason, they talk about Chelsea's ex, aka the father of her kid who left her when the kid was 6 months old and is now married and has a kid with the other woman.  It's sad and Arie gives her the rose.  They then just happen to wander over to where some band called Tenille Arts is playing for them.

"Hurricane Krystal"

For the group date this week, Arie takes 11 of the girls bowling.  Which was going fine until they threw in a competition.  Per usual, the winners of said competition would get to go to the evening portion of the date.  And per usual, the lead invited the losers anyway.  Pretty standard Bachelor storyline, which would be nothing to talk about, except other seasons did not have Krystal.  Krystal is on the winning team and is absolutely furious that Arie invited the losers.  She apparently throws a fit on the bus ride back to the hotel (transportation is apparently not recorded), and everyone is pissed while preparing for their evening with Arie, none more so than Krystal, who straight up refuses to join the after party.  Many of the girls comment that they don't want this day to be all about Krystal, yet none of them stop talking about her.

The group date girls minus Krystal join Arie at the hotel bar, I guess, for the evening.  He doesn't even notice Krystal isn't there, and some girl immediately points it out.  So much for not making this date about Krystal.  Arie, being a gentleman, goes upstairs to check on Krystal.  She kind of whines at him about feeling hurt and he lectures her and puts her in time-out before returning to the other girls.  We get to see Arie talk to four of the girls:

• Kendall tells Arie about her past relationships and says that this on is different because the process is making her take things slower, which is completely baffling considering this show requires you to go from strangers to engaged after spending like 3 days worth of 1-on-1 time with someone spread over 10 weeks.
• Arie is still scared of Bekah M, but mostly just wants to keep kissing her.
• Arie takes Becca K into his room and presumably talks to her, but we just see them make-out.
• Lauren B, whose favorite color is burgundy and likes her coffee with coconut milk calls Arie basic for taking his coffee with cream and sugar.  Sure, LB.

During all this, Krystal decides to make an appearance right as Bekah M is mocking her voice.  The girls grill her for a while, and she ends up leaving without seeing Arie.  Arie gives Lauren B the group date rose and that's that.

"I've been waiting for you to push me against something."

Tia gets the second one-on-one date this week, and because ABC doesn't believe in stereotyping, she and Arie go to a swamp and eat fried things.  They go to an "old nautical antique place" for dinner where Tia told Arie she was falling in love with him despite not being able to make eye contact.  This gets her the rose.  We learn a couple of things about Tia on this date: she has a doctorate in physical therapy, she goes frogging, and he definitely watched Emily's season of The Bachelorette.

"That was glitter.  Glitter."

Three things of note happen at the cocktail party:

1. Kendall has a book of 100 questions she's compiled to get to know someone.  Arie picks 99, which is, essentially, given some circumstance, would you eat human flesh?  Arie's a no, and Kendall (the taxidermy collector who thinks the Bachelor process is taking it slow), is a yes.  Yet she still makes more sense than Jenna, whom I have yet to hear one coherent sentence from this season.
2.  Jaqueline is a contestant on this season.  She's pretty and I'm pretty sure just showed up tonight.
3. Krystal talks to some of the girls and says she feels hurt like seventy thousand times.  No one has a successful conversation with her, and Bekah M shows her age by relentlessly mocking her voice.  She does talk with Arie, who seems to be over her.  She tries to explain her actions with some story about growing up in a bowling alley and that's somehow related to her trust issues and why she threw a fit on the group date.  She also tries to be cute and tells Arie this is their first fight.  "It could be our last fight," Arie responds, surprising everyone with an interesting line for once.

Time for the rose ceremony.  Krystal gets the last rose, annoying everyone who seem to forget that villains must stick around for dramatic two-on-one dates, and we have yet to have one of those.  Girls we lost this week: Maquel, who was flown out to be flown home, plus Marikh and Ashley, because we know a white girl's gonna win this thing, so why keep up pretenses of diversity?

The credits rolled over Arie being grilled by a team of bowling grandmas who were suuuuuper into the fantasy suites.

"Because I need a wife"

The opening shot (after all the preview footage of girls being dramatic and looking shocked, of course), was Bekah M. jumping into the pool at the mansion and swimming and brooding alone.  The other girls are shown inside musing about Arie and Beech's 14 year age difference and whether or not that matters.

Chris Harrison shows up to agonizingly slowly tell the girls that they're leaving LA and headed to South Lake Tahoe.  Arie is excited that there's "a lot of outdoor stuff" here, "which is cool," as if LA is just a giant building.

Sienne gets the first date card.  They go parasailing, drink champagne on a beach, kiss, and then have dinner in a private room at the Hard Rock Cafe.  She gets the rose, which is good because otherwise a large crowd of Bachelor Fans wouldn't get to swoon and ignore the random band ABC hired that no one's heard about before.

The group date brings everyone except Sienne and Bekah (who get one on one dates this week), and Maquel (who went home since her grandpa died) on a survival training hike.  Their coaches are Mikel Hawke, a retired Green Beret Combat Commander for the US Special Forces and his wife, Ruth.  They first talk about needing water and the importance of recycling.  All the girls and Arie are given bottle to pee into.  Arie takes the first swig.  Jaqueline almost goes for it, but Arie stops her, saying his was apple juice.  Then they go eat some bugs and are tasked to navigate through the snowy woods.  At the end of the trail is a hot tub and champagne.

The evening portion of the date revolves around Krystal feeling insecure and projecting that insecurity on everyone else.  Especially Tia and Caroline who just can't handle her, and have no poker faces to show otherwise.  Krystal even tries to pull Tia and Caroline aside to talk about it and it is not remotely productive.  Tia ends up getting the group date rose, which just unhinges Krystal that much more.

Time for Bekah's one on one date.  They ride horses and make out in a hot tub.  These scenes are interspersed with different girls chatting about Bekah's age, if she's going to tell Arie, and if he'll send her home.  Arie talks about how he's changed since his late 20s and ready for marriage and then asks if Bekah's ready.  This awkwardly turns into a conversation about Bekah's age.  Arie's response: "Oh my god."  It's a good point that many successful relationships have large age gaps, and being young doesn't necessarily mean immature, and the other girls aren't that much older than Bekah, BUT there is the Standard Creepiness Rule.  And Bekah, Olivia, and Maquel are the only contestants who are below the creepiness line.  And Bekah is the only one who made a big deal about it.  So for everyone defending her age, if she didn't want to be judged, she shouldn't have let production make it a plot line.

Anyway, Arie and Bekah discuss it some more and Bekah more or less pleads for him to let her stay, and his dick Arie gives her the rose.

As is par for the course, there is no cocktail party this week and it's straight to the rose ceremony.  Krystal interrupts Arie before he can give a rose away, and says nothing much of import to Arie in an annoying whisper.  Brittany T and Caroline are sent home.  Caroline goes into the goodbye hug with her heels in her hand.  She was way over it.

"I wanna get those pillow-lips"

We begin this episode on a mountain road.  Shoot to Arie.  Leather jacket, salt and pepper hair, pensive gaze, motorcycle.  Arie puts on a helmet and takes off down the dusty road.  Fade to some teenagers adult women giggling about how nice Arie's eyes are.  Chris Harrison enters stage right.  "The hope is that one of you will become Arie's wife," he proclaims, pulling out a date card to squeals of women who can't wait to promote sugar bear hair and fit tea on Instagram get to know this bad ass handsome Bachelor a little better.

Ok, enough of that.  

The Princess Date

Arie rolls up to pick up Becca K, who gets the first 1-on-1 date of the season.   The rest of the girls are jealous, but Debbie Downer Krystal's dad got hurt on a motorcycle and she knows of people who have died and lost body parts.

Arie takes Becca to a different LA mansion where some designer named Rachel Zoe is going to dress Becca in gowns while Arie eats cupcakes and ogles.  Arie buys all the dresses for Becca, tells her which one she should wear that evening and then gives her some sparkly Louis Vuitton heels.  And if that didn't scream sugar-daddy extravagant, some dude in a suit walks up to them with a briefcase and  tells Arie, "Neil Lane sends his regards."  It's diamond jewelry, of course.  Oh, they also shower each other in compliments, drink champagne, and kiss.  Becca goes back to the mansion and the other girls are all like, I'm not materialistic but LOUIS VUITTONS?  "Oh my god they are gonna get married," says Bibiana, and I sure hope so because Becca is on my Fantasy Bachelor Team.  That evening, they talk about how Becca was in a 7 year on and off relationship and her dad died of brain cancer and she gets to keep the diamond earrings and obviously Arie gives her a rose.  They end the night being showered with large, gold confetti.

The Early Hometown Date

Krystal's name is on the next date card, which says "home is where the heart is."  She meets Arie at an airport where they take a private jet to Scottsdale, AZ so Arie can show her the Pizza Hut he used to work in, his high school, and some awkward home videos.  Next, Arie takes Krystal to meet his parents, brother, and sister-in-law.  They talk about how long Arie's parents have been married and how marriage can be hard but they love each other and have beautiful children, so it's ok.  That evening, Krystal tells Arie about how she comes from a broken home and her brother is homeless and won't let her help.  Arie showers her with compliments and kisses and a rose and takes her to an awkward private concert, where some guy named Connor Duermit sings at them kissing and table full of candles.

After the date, the other girls ask about what she did, and Krystal is not about to talk.  She says the most vague things possible about hanging out in Scottsdale and the girls are annoyed, but not as annoyed as they will be later this week!

The Group Date where Someone Cries and Gets Time with the Lead and Everyone Else Wishes they Thought of That

Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G., Kendall, Bekah M., Jenny, Sienne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, and Chelsea all go on a date together.  It's a demolition derby!  Which actually looks pretty fun, if incredibly dangerous.  Most of the girls are into it and get spray painting their cars with roses and things like "Thx Emily!"  Annaliese, however, is freaking out and in tears.  I'm thinking maybe she had a bad accident or a family member die in car crash, but no, bumper cars traumatized her as a kid.  Everyone has irrational fears, although the demolition derby is literally 15 people trying to crash your car, so that alone I think is ok to scared of.  Arie takes her aside and comforts her and then tries to help her out during the derby, which is sweet.  Jenny thinks it's hilarious and plans to target her, and that's just unnecessary.  Anyway, Chris Harrison and some famous race car driver named Robbie announce the tournament: The Bashelor Demolition Derby.  "Could this be the first time Arie actually wins something on a racetrack?"  Nice one, Chris.  So the derby happens and Sienne is the last car going, so she wins a trophy and milk (because that's a thing).

The After Party (as Arie calls it) is just your average cocktail party with all the girls fretting about getting time with Arie.  "Classic Chelsea" steals Arie away first to tell him about her son.  She tells the other girls that she did this because she's a mom and they don't understand what she's sacrificed, to which Marikh shuts her down with a very polite, no, you don't get special treatment because you're a mom- we all gave something up to come here.  Sienne gets to tell Arie how much smarter she is than him (and it was not lost on Arie: "She went to Yale.  I barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut.").  Bekah M. and Arie talk for about two seconds before kissing for a long time.  It was very uncomfortable to watch.  Meanwhile, Bibiana is throwing a tantrum about not getting time with Arie while doing absolutely nothing to get time with him.  The date ends and while Arie compliments Chelsea in front of the rest of the girls, he gives the group date rose to Sienne.

Cocktail Party, or, The Birth of a New Villain

Arie doesn't give anyone a chance to steal him and instead pulls Brittany aside, since she got injured at the demolition derby and couldn't make it to the after party.  He gives her a "Most Hardcore" certificate.  Then he goes and makes out with Bekah again, who tells her she's no drama and easy to please while wearing the most ridiculous fur coat.  Bibiana is still upset about not getting time with Arie, which gets escalated as Krystal interrupts girls for more time with Arie not once, but twice, despite already having a rose.  Bibiana yells at her, which doesn't seem to go through, and everyone else watched uncomfortable.  Anyhow, the rose ceremony happens, and Bibiana is given the last rose, because drama, y'all.

Girls we lost this episode are:

Jenny, who cried and tried to leave without saying goodbye, so Arie chased her down and demanded hugs.  She said she wasn't crying over him, she was just going to miss her new friends, and Arie reminder her that that wasn't the point.  She was upset about being broken up with for the first time, and she is not prepared to get broken up with in real life by a real boyfriend.

Valerie, who was the closest thing to a redhead to make it past episode one in my memory.

Lauren G., probably because there are still too many Laurens.

End credits roll over Kendall showing Arie a pickled bat and taxidermied seal.  Arie isn't weirded out because apparently he has a friend who collects doll parts which is way creepier.

I'll leave you with this great screenshot of Arie from when I paused to refill my wine while watching last night: