"You're on the Mount Rushmore"

Ah, Women Tell All.  The episode where the 28 ladies who thought a reality show was a great place to find a husband get one last chance to embarrass themselves on national TV audition for Bachelor in Paradise redeem themselves.

First though, we get to see the highlight reel of Ben and Chris Harrison crashing Bachelor viewing parties.  And by "highlight reel," I mean we get to hear a lot of women screaming, and one woman basically saying she'd leave her husband for Ben.

Because Tiara's only role on this show was to have a weird "occupation"

After a recap of this season's drama, the girls waste no time in complaining about Olivia.  Tiara's chicken (remember the chicken enthusiast?  Yeah, she brought her chicken, Shelia, to the show), interrupts by flying onto Lace.  Chris takes this chance to change the discussion to Leah and she tries to defend herself but doesn't do a good job convincing people she "didn't intend to lie."  Shelia interrupts again with a squawk, because, as Tiara said, "Shelia doesn't like liars."  Chris takes this moment to now switch to the Jubilee drama.  Amber and Jami accuse her of saying offensive things and try to talk about race and Jubilee apologizes that she sometimes says offensive things.  Shushanna apparently can speak (and in English, no less) and has a lot to say.

Chris Harrison breaks this up and brings Jubilee up to the hot seat to talk about her time with Ben.  They have a heart to heart and Chris says, "I know you can't control how complicated you are," as if complicated is bad, and oh wait, complicated is bad if your self worth depends on if some guy likes you, which is pretty much the premise of this show.  We learn that Jubilee is doing well and made sergeant and everyone cheers her service to our country.

Who is this guy?  This is almost too ridiculous to be fake.

Lace's turn on the hot seat, and she admits that she didn't know how to handle herself and that she's changed and tries not to use the word "crazy" so much.  Her interview ends with one of the three men in the audience popping up to say "You're not crazy... but you are crazy beautiful," and to prove that point, takes off his shirt to reveal a tattoo of Lace's face.  Chris then invites Lace to Bachelor in Paradise and she accepts.

It's the everyone hates Olivia show!  Starring: The Twins!

And of course Olivia gets a turn in the hot seat and the rest of the women are ready to go at her.  The twins lead the charge.  Olivia says she mostly kept to herself and said it was a difficult journey and hard to watch.  The twins say, no, you berated Amanda and called me a slut and were a bully.  Amanda pipes up to confront Olivia about all the mean things she said about how Ben should run away from moms and says "Being a mom is my jam" (cheers all around).  Olivia tries to defend herself before launching into a monologue about how she was bullied as a child and now she's being harassed online and she's sorry for saying and doing things on the show that hurt other girls.  Bullying and online harassment is no joke, but maybe if Olivia hadn't began with her "I'm smart and confident" speech and trying to defend her actions, her apology would have held more weight.  Also, being bullied as a kid doesn't make it okay to bully other people as an adult (Olivia is not the only person at fault here- the other girls making fun of her breath/cankles is not nice, either).   Even though I don't like Olivia, I realize it's more or less like disliking a fictional character, and I'm not going to go harass the real Olivia that character is based on.  Like with Kelsey from Chris Soules' season though, I feel like if an entire group of women unanimously dislikes you, it may be a good time for some self reflection on how you interact with people.  Still, regardless of whether Olivia actually is a mean girl or not, she should not be cyber-bullied (last year's Men Tell All with Kaitlyn went into more depth on this topic).

Next, Chris brings up Caila and they have a boring conversations about feelings and how Caila just wants to find real love.

Almost makes me miss Juan Pablo, his segment on WTA was a lot more dramatic;
but I guess this is what we get for having the most perfect bachelor in the planet of history.

Moving on, it's time to bring Ben out to face a bunch of women he dumped on national television!  It's not as dramatic as it would sound.  The girls mostly tell Ben they hope he's happy and Ben gives very diplomatic and uncontroversial answers to all the girls' questions.  Ben reveals he's in love (which we already know because he told both his final two that he loves them) and engaged (which anyone who spends time on the internet/standing in line at a grocery store that sells tabloids already knows).  Chris asks him one last tough question:  which twin in which.  He nails it, and I'm actually impressed by that.

Everyone's favorite time of the night: Bloopers!  This seasons reel is mostly the ladies and Ben spilling their drinks plus Becca forgetting what season she's on and calling Ben Chris.

And of course we get a preview of the MOST DRAMATIC BACHELOR FINALE EVER.  Next week come back for tears from everyone and a disapproving mom!

"I want to talk smart things."

We start this episode pre-Mexico City rose ceremony when Ben pulls Olivia away to chat.
"Why do all the girls hate you?" he asks.
"I'm too smart and don't like painting my nails" Olivia responds.
Ben is skeptical, but he doesn't rescind the group date rose, and instead, Jennifer, a brunette, goes home.

Ben tells the remaining ladies they're headed to the Bahamas!  Upon arriving and squealing about their new hotel rooms, Chris Harrison makes an appearance with the first date card (a one-on-one for Caila) and to inform them there will also be a dreaded two-on-one this week.

Caila's one-on-one basically became a background montage to the beginning of the end of Leah.  Remember Leah?  Me neither because she was the "who's that?" of every rose ceremony so far.  But not today.  Today Leah is sad because she's the only one who hasn't gotten real alone time with Ben and now Caila gets a SECOND one-on-one.  Leah cries and and we see Ben and Caila kiss some fish and jump off a yacht holding hands.

Leah's sobfest over for now, we get to see Ben and Caila's evening chat.  Ben's concerned because Caila smiles too much and basically asks her to cry for him.  Caila has a confusing monologue about how she feels like she loves him but feels confused and feels afraid of hurting him and feels understood and feels like she understands him and the audiences feels like she's speaking a different language because no one knows what happened.  Ben says he's confused but also thinks "it's almost attractive that Caila can be confused" so she gets the rose.

"This is like a bar in Dallas.  There's pigs everywhere" -JoJo

On to the group date!  Ben takes them on a boat and they do shots and drink and then surprise!  There are pigs in the ocean!  Ben pulls out a bucket of hot dogs because feeding pigs meat while swimming in their filth seems like a stellar date idea (I know, I know, pigs are really clean, but I'm pretty sure they don't pointedly get out of the water and away from the beach to poop).  Ben thinks every one is having a blast while the girls do a lot of screaming and running.  The pigs seem to have eaten all the hot dogs and get bored with the ladies, so Ben starts making his rounds to chat with the girls, but everyone's acting super awkward because they are all dating the same guy and all see his obvious connection with Lauren B.  Leah confronts Ben about not picking her for the one-on-one after complaining to all the other girls about it first.  Ben, in nice Ben fashion, seems to soothe her fears.  For now.

Back at the mansion, Emily calls her twin to bitch about Olivia, again, while Olivia bitches about how young Emily is (they are the same age).

In the evening portion of the group date, Ben tries to smooth over the awkwardness of the day, and Leah tries to throw Lauren B. under the bus.  Ben asks Lauren B. why someone would say she acts differently with the girls and Lauren B. gets really upset as well as us viewers because she's seemed so sweet all along.  The other girls ask what's wrong when it's apparent Lauren B. is upset, and Leah straight up lies about bringing Lauren B. up with Ben.  Amanda gets the group date rose for no other reason than we all forgot she was there.

Later, after the date, Leah sneaks off to see Ben.  "I'm not here to sabotage someone," Leah says before trying to sabotage Lauren B. by telling  Ben that Lauren B. is malicious and catty.  Ben doesn't take the bait and sends Leah packing.  And that's the end of probably the shortest lived villain in Bachelor history.

Deep intellects have no place on this show, Olivia.
And by "deep intellects," I mean "love languages." 

And now t's time for what we've all been waiting for: Olivia and Emily's two-on-one!  "Two women, one rose.  One stays, one goes." is what Chris Harrison's imaginative card reads.  Ben picks them up on, wait for it, a boat!  They go to an island where Olivia tells Ben deep intellectual stuff is her jam and that she's in love with him.  Emily babbles about how excited she is for their journey to start and everyone thinks she's going home even though everyone also wants Olivia gone SO BAD.

Ben then takes the rose and asks Olivia to walk with him.  Ben gives a speech about how he can't reciprocate the "I love you" feelings Olivia expressed and walks back to Emily with the rose.  They boat off, and Olivia is deserted on an island in what looks to be the start of a hurricane.  Everyone everywhere cheers and it's almost more satisfying than Farmer Chris leaving Kardashley and Kelsey in the Badlands last year.  Almost.

Time for the cocktail party.  Wait, Ben cancels the cocktail party and heads straight for the rose ceremony!  Gasp!  Drama!  Except not really, because in every season ever, once things get serious, the Bachelor/Bachelorette always cancels at least one cocktail party.  Anyway, everyone gets a rose except Lauren H., who is beautiful and wonderful and a teacher, and girl, you are going to do fine back in the real world.

Girls we said goodbye to in the last couple of weeks (since the to be continued threw everything off):
Jubilee, aka #JubileeforBachelorette! Let's get diverse with the leads already and also, Jubilee is literally a hero;
Jennifer, who it's unclear if Ben and her had even met yet,
Leah, who tried to get rid of Lauren B and it backfired enormously,
Olivia, who really only had herself to blame because she was living in "Olivia world" where Ben and her were already married;
and Lauren H., so now no one needs a last initial anymore.

In which no one has salt with their tequila shots

(At least they had limes.)

This week, Ben and his 11 girlfriends headed to Mexico City.
*cue dramatic Mexican-ish music*

Olivia starts off strong, talking about how Ben validates her, and how they have a "love language" and how she should get the one-on-one date.  She doesn't get one though.  Amanda, the single mom, gets the first date in Mexico, leading Olivia on a mom-bashing rant about how she knows what Ben wants, and it's not moms.

If you didn't think waking the girls up isn't the creepiest
gimmick on The Bachelor, just look at Ben's face.

On to the date!  To start the date, Ben decides to wake all of the girls up at 4:30 am.  All the girls freak out about how they look in the morning and how unfair it is that Amanda looks flawless right out of bed.  Olivia is afraid Ben will smell her "dragon breath" and Lauren H. is shy about her retainer (to which Ben says, "I sleep with a retainer too, don't worry").  Ben of course thinks "they all looked beautiful today, without hair, without make-up," since we all know girls don't have hair when they sleep.  After unnecessarily waking everyone up from their beauty sleep, Ben takes Amanda on a hot air balloon ride to a picnic.   Ben is suddenly an expert on the various pyramids they fly over and for once the girl doesn't squeal about being afraid of heights.  Later, at dinner, Amanda opens up about her jerk of an ex-husband, earning her a rose.

The group date sends Ben and the girls to Spanish Class.  The teacher has Ben tell them individually, but in front of the rest of the girls, that he loves them and wants to kiss them in Spanish.  This makes Jubilee really uncomfortable and when it's her turn, she tells Ben he already said that to other girls.  Olivia takes a different approach because even though she just watched Ben profess his love and devotion to eight other women, when he said it to her, there was "electriciTAY."

Next, they head to a market/restaurant and pair off to buy ingredients and cook fancy Mexican food.  Because, as we all know, "if you know how to cook, you're ready to get married."  Olivia, yet again, swoops in on Ben and forces him to be her partner and also to eat crickets.

Emily is everyone's internal monologue this episode in regard to Olivia

Tensions are still high going into the evening portion.  Jubilee is not handling this date-a-guy-who-has-ten-other-girlfriends thing well.  Jubilee tells Ben how difficult things are and how it's hard being overshadowed.  Ben is hurt because Jubilee wouldn't hold his hand.  Long story shot, Ben sends Jubilee home.  He goes back and, to everyone's chagrin, Olivia gets the group date rose.  Olivia graciously lets them know they don't have to congratulate her.

Group date number two takes Ben and Lauren H. to a poncho shop where they get to talk to the designer who just happens to want to invite them to a fashion show that happens to be this evening as his guests!  And surprise!  Not only do they get to go behind the scenes, Ben and Lauren H. get to be models!  Lauren H. is pretty intimidated, and I don't blame her.  Ben gives her a pep talk, they crush it, and then take tequila shots out of plastic cups.  Dinner time conversation reveals that Amanda's not the only one with a cheating ex.  Ben just loves these stories and gives Lauren H. a rose.  Then they get a private concert!  Sort of.  It's a harpist on the street, but they are his only spectators and make-out while he performs, so same difference.

The cocktail party brings DRAMA and we're set up for the most DRAMATIC episode EVER next week!  The girls are asking Amanda about her daughters and if her shitty ex gets to see them and Olivia thinks it's a good time to share her bad taste in TV by stating "I feel like it's an episode of teen mom."  The girls all take offense at this and Emily decides she has to do something and tells Ben how mean Olivia is and cries.  She then calls her twin and cries to her about how Olivia's the worst, which she kind of is.  Surprisingly, unlike in every season before, Ben doesn't get rid of the snitch (yet), but says "if someone's causing Emily pain, she's not the woman for me."  Ben is concerned, and the rest of the girls corroborate Emily's "Olivia's a bitch" story.

It's rose ceremony time, but first, Ben wants to talk to Olivia.  The girls looked surprised but hope he breaks the rules and takes away her rose.  Then we get our first, and hopefully our last, "To Be Continued..." of the season.

The Mouth is back

I don't even know.

What even are you, Olivia?

"We're in it to twin it"

It's time for the girls to leave LA and start the exciting travel part of the show, which begins in... Las Vegas.  "It's a place where people do get married," Ben says, and you can't argue with that.  "It's a place where people fall in love," Ben continues, and that seems incorrect.

JoJo gets the first Vegas one-on-one date, and it's pretty cliche and boring.  Champagne, check. Helicopter, check.  "Opening up" about "feelings" and "past relationships," check.  Fireworks, check.  Kissing while watching fireworks, check.  The only interesting part of the date was when no one had remembered that helicopters create wind, and their table of champagne violently fell over.

The girls initially laugh watching the helicopter arrive and terrify Ben and JoJo, but then they make out cowering behind their fallen table and everyone feels awkward.  We get a hint of the crazy Olivia to come, as we hear how confident she is about Ben and how nothing can shake that, until she freaks out when she sees "her husband" kissing JoJo.

The group date in Vegas is in true Bachelor fashion: make the girls compete in something embarrassing in front of a lot of people.  They get to perform a talent show as an opening act for some ventriloquist named Terry Fator.  Jennifer says she "[doesn't] think many people have talents here," and she's mostly correct.  The twins preform a choreographed Irish jig and Jubilee's not bad on cello, but the rest of the "talents" were cute and tame like juggling, hula hooping, or singing a song about Ben while wearing a chicken suit.  And then we had Olivia.  We got to watch like 10 minutes of her confidently bouncing around saying how she's not afraid to be embarrassed and how she's going to marry Ben, only to do an embarrassing and awkward stripper/showgirl inspired act, complete with jumping out of a cake.  She's mortified (as is everyone else) and has a self diagnosed panic attack where she hides in the Boyz II Men green room and complains that with that "dance" she might not be marriage material.  Personally, I think the whole cankle fiasco from last week was what makes you not marriage material, but sure, let's worry about an embarrassing dance in Vegas.

Literally everyone during Olivia's performance.

Anyway, the evening portion is upon us and Caila is the first to jump on Ben- literally.  He calls her a "tigress" and a "sex panther" and remember this is a girl who broke up with her boyfriend to maybe get the chance to date a guy she saw on TV.  Olivia steals Ben to apologize for being so embarrassing, snap a lot, and say she needs to drink heavily, which I hope is what Ben was doing to get through the evening of awkwardly trying to comfort Olivia when he'd rather have that sex panther back.

Lauren B. gets the group date rose.

End Scene.

Now it's time for Becca's one-on-one!  She is given a wedding dress and driven to a chapel in a pink Cadillac.  Jubilee notes "she's the perfect person to wear white."  Because she's a virgin (and thanks to Kaitlyn from his time on the Bachelorette, we know Ben is not- which they actually discuss on their date).

They don't actually put that wedding dress to use, but instead officiates some Vegas weddings (Ben conveniently got ordained online), and then drink at the Neon Museum and talk about Becca's virginity.  They tell each other cutesy vows about being honest and fun, they kiss, and Becca gets a rose.

Normally we would get  a rose ceremony at this point, but instead there's a surprise two-on-one date!  Or should I say, a twin-on-one date!  Ben takes Haley and Emily (who we still can't tell apart) to their mom's house with all their dachshunds and then leaves Haley there.

The rose ceremony is unremarkable, except Olivia steals Ben twice to act super insecure and weird.  Ben seems uncomfortable and kisses her to make her go away and then Olivia talks in the third person about how she's back in the game.  Ben still gave her a rose- albeit the last one, to which Olivia said he saved the best for last and everyone else said NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Girls we lost this week:

Haley, who did weirdly still have framed photos of her ex in her room;

Amber, for whom third time was not a charm and maybe should just try Tinder or something;

and Rachel, who now has no boyfriend AND no job.

No more weird twin moments this season =(