"We're in it to twin it"

It's time for the girls to leave LA and start the exciting travel part of the show, which begins in... Las Vegas.  "It's a place where people do get married," Ben says, and you can't argue with that.  "It's a place where people fall in love," Ben continues, and that seems incorrect.

JoJo gets the first Vegas one-on-one date, and it's pretty cliche and boring.  Champagne, check. Helicopter, check.  "Opening up" about "feelings" and "past relationships," check.  Fireworks, check.  Kissing while watching fireworks, check.  The only interesting part of the date was when no one had remembered that helicopters create wind, and their table of champagne violently fell over.

The girls initially laugh watching the helicopter arrive and terrify Ben and JoJo, but then they make out cowering behind their fallen table and everyone feels awkward.  We get a hint of the crazy Olivia to come, as we hear how confident she is about Ben and how nothing can shake that, until she freaks out when she sees "her husband" kissing JoJo.

The group date in Vegas is in true Bachelor fashion: make the girls compete in something embarrassing in front of a lot of people.  They get to perform a talent show as an opening act for some ventriloquist named Terry Fator.  Jennifer says she "[doesn't] think many people have talents here," and she's mostly correct.  The twins preform a choreographed Irish jig and Jubilee's not bad on cello, but the rest of the "talents" were cute and tame like juggling, hula hooping, or singing a song about Ben while wearing a chicken suit.  And then we had Olivia.  We got to watch like 10 minutes of her confidently bouncing around saying how she's not afraid to be embarrassed and how she's going to marry Ben, only to do an embarrassing and awkward stripper/showgirl inspired act, complete with jumping out of a cake.  She's mortified (as is everyone else) and has a self diagnosed panic attack where she hides in the Boyz II Men green room and complains that with that "dance" she might not be marriage material.  Personally, I think the whole cankle fiasco from last week was what makes you not marriage material, but sure, let's worry about an embarrassing dance in Vegas.

Literally everyone during Olivia's performance.

Anyway, the evening portion is upon us and Caila is the first to jump on Ben- literally.  He calls her a "tigress" and a "sex panther" and remember this is a girl who broke up with her boyfriend to maybe get the chance to date a guy she saw on TV.  Olivia steals Ben to apologize for being so embarrassing, snap a lot, and say she needs to drink heavily, which I hope is what Ben was doing to get through the evening of awkwardly trying to comfort Olivia when he'd rather have that sex panther back.

Lauren B. gets the group date rose.

End Scene.

Now it's time for Becca's one-on-one!  She is given a wedding dress and driven to a chapel in a pink Cadillac.  Jubilee notes "she's the perfect person to wear white."  Because she's a virgin (and thanks to Kaitlyn from his time on the Bachelorette, we know Ben is not- which they actually discuss on their date).

They don't actually put that wedding dress to use, but instead officiates some Vegas weddings (Ben conveniently got ordained online), and then drink at the Neon Museum and talk about Becca's virginity.  They tell each other cutesy vows about being honest and fun, they kiss, and Becca gets a rose.

Normally we would get  a rose ceremony at this point, but instead there's a surprise two-on-one date!  Or should I say, a twin-on-one date!  Ben takes Haley and Emily (who we still can't tell apart) to their mom's house with all their dachshunds and then leaves Haley there.

The rose ceremony is unremarkable, except Olivia steals Ben twice to act super insecure and weird.  Ben seems uncomfortable and kisses her to make her go away and then Olivia talks in the third person about how she's back in the game.  Ben still gave her a rose- albeit the last one, to which Olivia said he saved the best for last and everyone else said NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Girls we lost this week:

Haley, who did weirdly still have framed photos of her ex in her room;

Amber, for whom third time was not a charm and maybe should just try Tinder or something;

and Rachel, who now has no boyfriend AND no job.

No more weird twin moments this season =(

"The drama is over." -a very mistaken Ben

To set the stage for this week's dramatic episode, we see a couple of girls complaining about Olivia.  "I think that she's, like, not a nice girl."  Ooooh, harsh, Amanda.  A few dozen "likes" later, we move on to Ben's one-on-one date with Lauren B.

"Dang, you're cute." -Ben

good try with that kiss through the headsets, guys.

Ben takes Lauren B. on a aerial tour of LA, and Lauren B., the flight attendant, is nervous about getting into an airplane.  And what better destination for their little plane, than an empty field with a hot tub?  And surprise, surprise, they end up making out in said hot tub.  Later, during the dinner portion of the date, Lauren B. shares that she like yards like her dad, and Ben shares a touching story about his dad's heart problems.  They kiss and Lauren B. gets the rose.  And not to be outdone by Caila's date, we have private concert number two: some country band no one's ever heard of.

Speaking of Caila, she's back at the mansion crying to JoJo because she's just now realizing that this is a different kind of dating situation.

"I have zero ball handling skills." -Lauren H.

Shockingly, they're not very good at this game.

Anyway, we get a group date where the girls get to literally compete for time with Ben.  Alex Morgan and Kelly O'Hara of US Women's National Soccer Team are here to teach the girls some soccer!  It's stars vs stripes with each team getting a twin.  They play some bad soccer and the stripes win it in sudden death and so get to wine and dine with Ben.  To no one's surprise, Olivia whisks Ben off immediately and the other girls sit around and make fun of Olivia's toes.  Olivia does not get the group date rose this time, however, because Amber made a move and got a kiss.

"I'm obsessed with hot dogs." -Jubilee

Jubilee is not convinced she wants that in her mouth.

Jubilee gets the second one-on-one date this week, and she and Ben also take to the skies, but this time in a helicopter.  They go to a super fancy mansion, eat fancy foods (Jubilee spits out caviar and neither of them know what a fig is), and spend some time in the hot tub.  At dinner, they talk about some deep and emotional stuff regarding Jubilee's past, and Ben tells her she's a strong woman and pauses in a way I thought could segue to "so why are you on such a degrading show," but no, Ben offers up a rose.

"It's insane to me.  It's literally insane." -Lauren H

What I was doing watching this whole episode.

It's cocktail party time and the girls are riled up because apparently they've lost all ability to detect sarcasm.  Jubilee is awkward and makes jokes when she's uncomfortable and everyone's taking it the wrong way.  But more on that in a minute.  Ben arrives with some sad news: two of his family friends were killed in a plane crash.  So, who else but good ol' Ben-stealing Olivia whisks him off to comfort him, because she, too, has a devastating tale.  Through tears she tells Ben that she has...cankles. I have no idea what planet you come from, Olivia, but your insecurities about the looks of your lower legs is not the best topic of conversation for someone who's suffered a loss.  Oof.

Moving on, Jubilee comforts Ben with a massage and that is the last straw.  The girls try to stage an intervention and Jubilee ends up in the bathroom, crying.  The intervention totally backfires for the girls, as Ben swoops in and takes Jubilee's side.  Just when Ben thinks there will be no more drama for the night, Lace asks to chat.  The rest of the girls look shocked, but rather than an incoherent drunk speech, Lace informs Ben that this isn't a good fit for her and that she needs to heed the words of her tattoo and learn to love herself.  Meanwhile, Olivia babbles about how Ben is 100% her future husband because when he hugged her, "he just squeezed [her] waist a little bit," and isn't that just the definition of a hug?

Girls we said goodbye to this week:
Lace, magically redeeming herself as a person by going home on her own to work on herself;
Jami, who, at 23, has figured she might as well give up and start buying cats;
And Shushanna, who all we know about her still is that she's fluent in Russian.

To conclude:

Elan Gale is a producer of the Bachelor, by the way.

"The most perfect bachelor on the planet of history"

Let's get dating!

Group date number one takes us to Bachelor High, which sounds like a trashy YA series featuring Ben, the attractive high school quarterback with a dark secret...

Anyways, the girls (Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace) team up to compete in vaguely high school inspired competitions to win the honor of being homecoming queen.  We also learn that Ben's best moments in life were his "first kiss and high school athletics."

First up: Science "class" where the girls make Ben's volcano explode.  But they don't actually learn any science because all the flasks are labeled with things like "trust" and "communication."  Jubilee and Lace are out because they couldn't find communication and also Lace hated school and wasn't very good at it and Jubilee called her Lacey the whole time because is Lace even a name?

Principal Harrison, here, to help you learn stuff good

Then we have "Lunch" aka bobbing for apples.  We learn that "Jackie's not great with her mouth, unfortunately."

Three teams are left for geography where all they have to do is place Indiana on a blank map of the United States.  They all pick the right shape, but Becca and JoJo somehow placed it on its side and therefore lose this challenge.

I mean, come on.

Lastly, we have gym, where the two remaining teams have to make a free throw.  Mandi and Amber win and have a hurdle race to see who gets to ride around the track in a car with Ben.  Mandi somehow leaves Amber in the dust and we see everyone frown as she gets a tiara.

Then there's the evening portion, and thank goodness, because there was weirdly no drama in the high school portion of the date.  Becca steals Ben first and shows off her hoop skills while Ben blames his shirt for missing easy shots.

Jennifer gets the first kiss after a very short conversation.  Jubilee gets the second kiss after revealing she was an orphan in Haiti.  JoJo gets the third kiss on a heli pad.  And this whole time Lace is freaking out and making all the girls dislike her while insisting she's not crazy.  "Fuck these bitches," Lace says while stealing Ben for a second conversation and reinforcing everyone's dislike.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, we are introduced to Olivia's mouth, and dear god, please keep that thing shut, girl!

this is horrifying

 just terrifying.

JoJo gets the group date rose and now we're onto the first one-on-one date, which is a shameless plug for Ride Along 2, some new Ice Cube and Kevin Hart movie.  And I guess it's also some time for Ben to get to know Caila.  When asked the most romantic thing they've ever done for a women, Ice Cube says, "I married one" and Kevin Hart says, "I cooked fried chicken one time in a crock pot,"  so you know they're going to take Ben and Caila on a good date.

Ben, Caila, Kevin Hart, and Ice Cube take a ride and Ben starts out with the hard-hitting question to Caila: "What's your favorite color?"  Kevin Hart and Ice Cube proceed to buy liquor and condoms for Ben and then take him and Caila to the first hot tubbing of the season... in a sketchy hot tub store.  And if that wasn't weird enough, Kevin Hart skinny dips in the hot tub with them until Ice Cube very scriptedly convinces him to leave the love birds alone.

Kaitlyn's Irish "funeral" is still the weirdest date ever, though.

Back at the mansion, Amanda misses her kids and skypes them on a phone with a blurred out logo because without the apple, no one can tell that's an iPhone.

Caila's date ends with our first private concert: Amos Lee.  She exclaims that there's "no way a snowball's chance in you-know-where that Ben is unlovable."  Either Caila's really that clean-mouthed, or she didn't get the memo like Lace did that they'll just bleep out your curses.  Though I'm pretty sure you can say "hell" on TV.

Group date number two takes Shushanna, Amanda, Samantha, Olivia, and the twins to a totally legit science laboratory to see if Ben has literal chemistry with any of them.  Clearly the twin trope was getting boring, because the twins decided to further the dumb blonde stereotype in this episode with gems like "don't put the blonde on this date" and "I'm not very smart."  And as if Olivia and her mouth needed the ego boost, she "won" the love tests, while poor Samantha was told she smelled sour and scored the lowest.

Olivia and Amanda get kisses in the evening portion.  Amanda tells Ben about her two daughters and Ben apparently thinks Amanda "makes so much more sense now."  Much to everyone's chagrin, Olivia gets the group date rose and gloats about not knowing what a rose ceremony is as if she doesn't still have to stand around for hours with the other girls watching exactly what a rose ceremony is.

At the cocktail party, Ben makes rose barrettes for Amanda's kids, Ben gives Lauren B. a picture of them from night one, Olivia ruffles some feathers by stealing Ben when she already had a rose, and Lace reprises her role as "girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party."  Because no lesson was learned from night one, Lace drinks to much and tells Ben yet again that she's not crazy and then launches into a speech about how she was an ugly kid and "tell[s Ben] one of the pictures" where she looked dorky.  Ben looks like a trapped animal when Lauren B. mercifully saves him and Lace storms off to whine about how she hasn't had anytime with Ben right after having time with Ben.

Then the rose ceremony.  The girls who went home were:
LB, who was offered a rose but *gasp* did not accept and left on her own
Samantha, who just didn't have a good enough odor for Ben
Jackie, who, well, wasn't great with her mouth
Mandi, which just goes to show that being Homecoming Queen is only great when you're actually in high school.

Fingers crossed we get tears next week!

Make it stop!

All about the Benjamin

And we're back!  With the perfect (yet thinks he's unlovable) Ben at the helm, 28 girls show up to the bachelor mansion ready to embarrass themselves on national tv find love.

I could go through all of the limo entrances, but let's just cut to the good stuff:

Because insecurity and wine is always a good idea

Lace aka SNL's girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party (if you haven't see it, look it up- Cecily Strong is great).  While managing to act fairly normal around Ben (if you call kissing him with his eyes closed and then asking for another kiss later normal), drunk Lace shares her internal monologue constantly.  Things we learn:  she hates the giant rose hat girl, she thinks thinks she way prettier than everyone else, she likes white wine, she's super insecure, and eye contact is really important in her life.  After she miraculously pulled through with the last rose of the night, she confronted Ben because apparently he didn't make eye contact with her during the rose ceremony.  Ben has no idea what she's upset about because she got a rose.

Other ladies who got a rose are:
Haley and Emily, the twins, who are just perpetuating all the terrible stereotypes of twins
Caila, who broke up with her boyfriend because she though someone on TV was cute
Becca and Amber, who both from Chris Soule's season (Becca made it to the top three and is a virgin, Amber didn't make it far in Chris' season or in Bachelor in Paradise, so maybe third time's a charm?)
Mandi "I am the first impression rose," who is a weird dentist from Portland
Jubilee, a war veteran, who seems like a front runner despite the fact that statistically she won't last long as a black person on this show
Lauren, three of them, actually
Shushanna, who spoke Russian the whole time
Olivia, the news anchor form Texas who got the first impression rose
Jami, who is from Canada so obviously knows Kaitlyn
Leah, Samantha, Amanda, Jackie, JoJo, Rachel, and Jennifer.

At least they showed up night one,
 unlike a certain Nick V we all love to hate

The girls who went home were:
Isabel, who wore pajamas and lead with the line "you're the onesie for me"
Maegan, who brought Lil' Sebastian
Tiara, the chicken enthusiast who got an intro segment but was barely seen at the cocktail party
Laura, who apparently has the nickname Red Velvet, but other than that seemed pretty normal (redheads never seem to make it past night one- I guess Bachelors are afraid of gingers)
Lauren R., who opened with "I stalked you on social media" as if A) no one else had her same skill of using the internet and B) that wasn't a creepy way to introduce yourself to someone
Breanne, who not only made sure Ben knew she didn't eat gluten, but made him help her destroy some delicious looking baguettes because "Gluten is Satan"
Jessica, who I know literally nothing about, except that she's a brunette because Ben kept all the blondes.

Stock up on wine and get ready for tears, kisses, bikinis, a black eye, and more tears!  It's Bachelor season!