A Quick Summary of Becca's Men

It's almost time!  Becca K, here on out just known as Becca, will be debuting as our Bachelorette in a little over a week.  Well, I guess whatever second debuting is called, since technically she met four of these dudes at Arie's ATFR.

A summary of the men vying for Becca's hand in a proposal that may or may not last:

If ABC's choices are any indication, Becca has a thing for jocks.

One guy is from Becca's home state of Minnesota.  The rest are mostly from California (10 dudes) and Florida (7 dudes) with the remaining from Colorado (3), Illinois (2), and then one each from Georgia, Nevada, Washington, New York, and Ohio.

These guys are MUCH more age appropriate than Arie's season: Becca is 27 and her guys are 25-31 with an average age of 28.  A good third of them aren't white.

The weirdest "occupation" is social media participant, which is like the least unique way to describe someone, especially someone on this show that guarantees a little bit of Instagram fame.  The guy is actually in real estate and models part time, so who knows what the story is there.  There's also a "colognoisseur" who is really in finance and is named Jean Blanc and of course a guy names Jean Blanc is into something like cologne.

Overall, from a like two sentence bio each, they seem like an athletic, well educated group, so I have high hopes that are likely to be dashed if ABC has anything to do with it.

See all the suitors here: http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelorette/cast

31 Flavors

Contestant bios are up, and I read them so you don't have to!  Although I have to say they are more varied and interesting than usual, probably because they are older and smarter than usual since Rachel is older and smarter than most of the Bachelor family.  The men all seem to like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Denzel Washington and/or Elon Musk.  Most of them don't seem to realize that skydiving isn't that outrageous.  Most of them have real careers, and they are between the ages of 26 and 35.  Nine of them come from California, seven from Florida, four each from Texas and Chicago, then one each from Wisconsin, Connecticut, Tennessee, Las Vegas, Georgia, New York City, and Michigan.  No Canadians this season!

So without further ado, here is a tidbit about each of Rachel's suitors:

Adam's most embarrassing moment was telling his mom he was going on The Bachelorette.  Though I think it will change to when his mom reads his cast bio and finds out his idea of the most romantic gift he's received was a threesome on his birthday.
Alex has eaten a live salamander.
Anthony describes his favorite book "like a dream I don't want to wake up from."  I like Anthony.
Blake E. was engaged to "a crazy girl" for 48 hours and also hates cat people.
Blake K. wants to be The Rock, not because of all the cool stuff he does, but because he can pull off a fanny pack.
Brady like to tackle snowmen.
Bryan listed seven qualities when asked what his three best attributes were.
Bryce once caught a girl's hair on fire during sex.  Good thing he's a firefighter, amiright?
Dean has a tattoo on his inner lip.
DeMario claims that "when [he's] married with children [he] will own a pet lion and name him 'Denzel, the lion.'"
Diggy is apparently really into day drinking, so should feel right at home on this show.
Eric would like to live in a time "before money was involved," and I'm not sure that he knows that time is before the Stone Age.
Fred had a crush on his camp counselor when he was young, which is a boring fact until you learn that this camp counselor was Rachel.
Grant say's his favorite magazine is "Playboy? ;)"
Iggy says his three best and worst attributes are "Passionate, loyal, and witty" and I'm sensing this guy likes answering the "what are your biggest weaknesses" question in job interviews.
Jack Stone's favorite flower is a tulip because it's "basically, roses without thorns" and he's either never seen a tulip or never seen a rose.
Jamey does not have female friends, which seems like a red flag.
Jedidiah talked about how much he liked his trip to South Africa, in part because it "has very real problems like HIV and violence," and that's right, he a privileged white dude.
Jonathan has an ex-wife, and by the sound of it, waited until marriage to have "uneventful" sex.
Josiah says his worst date ever was being catfished, since the women turned out to be pregnant, and dude, that's not catfishing.
Kenny has a daughter and wants to live in Ancient Egypt.  Those two things are unrelated.
Kyle doesn't know what gluten is, but often orders gluten-free if it's on the menu.
Lee thinks he could somehow learn to make booze if he were stranded on a desert island with just "a hook, the right girl, and a fire source."
Lucas' ideal mate looks like one of these fictional white ladies who don't look anything like Rachel: Belle, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, or Jessica Rabbit.
Matt's worst date memory was a Tinder date since he realized online dating wasn't for him.  I feel like going on TV for a date will be much worse.
Michael played pro basketball in Bulgaria.
Milton thinks being romantic shows you're week, so it's really good he's going on a show where everyone's required to make fools of themselves for "love".
Mohit is going to dress up as gluten for halloween.
Peter likes Modern Family because it's hilarious and carefree, which makes me wonder if he's really seen it, because I get so much secondhand embarrassment from that show- hilarious, but not at all carefree.
Rob wants to be Superman, one reason being that he's "also a US alien, like me!" which I'm not sure is a witty way to say he's an immigrant or if he's trying to tell us he's not really human?
Will's worst date is "every tinder date ever," and again, going on a TV show to date a girl with 30 other boyfriends is much worse.

So that's who we get to meet Monday night!

It's the most wine-derful time of the year!

It's that time again!  The girls' bios have been released and I'm ready to judge!

This season premiere will showcase 30 contestants ages 23-31 to vie for professional runner-up Nick V., a 36 year old technology salesman.  There is not one but three ladies who have job titles that are basically "unemployed": aspiring dolphin trainer, unemployed nurse (ok, she admits it), and law school graduate (and let's just ignore the fact that they all have to be basically unemployed to commit to a potentially few months on this show).

Let's look at the highlights from their Bios (found here):

Alexis' 5 things she can't live without starts strong with "family, dog, best friend" but quickly crashes into a huge "ugh, seriously?" with "fake eyelashes, whitening strips."

Angela's worst date was when a guy put down Batman as his name while waiting for a table, meaning she is just no fun and maybe needs to start dating adults.

Astrid wants to be a dolphin so she can rescue lost sailors and swim in the ocean doing tricks (tricks like killing those rescued lost sailors, because do you even know anything about real mermaids?)

Briana wants to be a pineapple because she wants to be "Hawaiian, delicious, tropical, and pretty," so she should just move to Hawaii and eat lots of pineapple.

Brittany admires Beyonce for a few reasons including "she's a virgo like me!" as if being born a certain time of year is something to be admired.

Christen is obsessed with the president because she seems to think the TV show Scandal is real.  She also wants to break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a strange closet to presumably see sexy, scandalous presidential going on or whatever happens in the Scandal universe.

Corinne wants to be Snow White so she can find her Prince Charming, and honey, that's Cinderella- Snow White's prince is Prince Ferdinand.

Danielle L.'s favorite book is a self-help book and that's kind of sad.  She also wants to be a fox because they're "responsive," so I feel sorry for any other animal she's interacted with.

Danielle M. wants to be Hermione which is cool, and has a dead fiancé, so that's sure to keep her on the show a few weeks.

Dominique looooves Chipotle so much that if she could have lunch with any three people dead or alive, it would be her grandfather, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Jesus and they would all be eating burritos from Chipotle.  Chipotle is also one of the 5 things she can't live without.

Elizabeth "Liz" apparently hooked up with Nick at a wedding a while back so here's some drama already!  Other tidbits: golf is so boring it angers her AND she's unashamed of being a Belieber.

Elizabeth gets out of having a last initial because the other Elizabeth has a nickname.  Her response to what her greatest achievement is: "My life has been a journey of achievements that only I would appreciate."

Haily is "not into butterflies at all.  Jumping bugs suck.  Butterflies are a solid no for [her], though."

Ida Marie's favorite book and author are the same: "I need to read more books."

Jaimi likes to bench press men with her legs to impress them.

Jasmine B. was engaged before but never got married because she "was too young and he ended up proving he doesn't deserve my greatness," and you go girl!

Jasmine G. thinks she's the girl version of Guy Fieri but also has the most fun group of three folks (dead or alive) who she wants to have lunch with: RuPaul, Dave Chappelle, and Prince.

Josephine would like to be Stephen Hawking for a day, and she may be the only one of these bimbos who knows who that is.

Kristina is an orphan (so sticking around points!) and if she could be someone for a day she'd be her biological mother because she'd "like to know what she was going through when [she] was young and if choosing alcohol over kids worth it" which is possibly the most thoughtful/serious answer any Bachelor contestant has ever given to any of these questions ever.

Lacey's biggest fear is that her date is going to another date right after hers, and girl, have you even seen the show you're about to go on?

Lauren could be my friend considering if she could go anywhere in the US it would be state parks in the southwest since she loves the rock formations

Michelle was very specific about what she would eat with the three people she wants to have lunch with: Sunday roast with Dumbledore, tacos with Gwen Stefani, and fish & chips with Princess Diana.

Olivia was the kicker on her high school football team, so lets hope she goes on the obligatory sports competition date.

Rachel "hates things that fly (eg birds, grasshoppers)."

Raven would be Blue Ivy is she could be anyone for a day because I guess being 4 would be fun?

Sarah, if she could be any animal, would be "a dog! or, if your a bird, I'm a bird, right :)" so we know she's going to be the girl who says the L word first since she'll think it's something Nick wants to hear.

Susannah's guilty pleasure is "buying expensive shoes or not expensive shoes."  So, buying shoes.

Taylor's favorite clothing designer is Forever 21, because I guess that's a designer.

Vanesa wants to be an onion.  She should just duck out early and find Ashely S.

Whitney's response to "how much do you enjoy theater?" is "I like going to movies but also to rent them at home," and I don't think she knows what theater generally refers to.

See you in 2 weeks for the cringe-worthy limo entrances of all the ladies named above!
SaveSave