Becca and "a professional football player and a bunch of chumps"

It's a rainy day in LA when we begin this episode.  Colton is moody because of the he dated Tia situation.  David is still complaining about Jordan and how he spends his days putting together outfits.  Jordan complains about how David spends all day cooking eggs and trying to get under Jordan's skin.  Jordan claims not to fee threatened, but he sure lets David get under his skin anyway.

Group date #1 or "Cheers to being a bitch"

The first date of the episode takes Wills, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, Colton, and Jason to a spa.  But surprise!  They aren't getting pampered, they're pampering Becca's friends, aka fellow contestants from Arie's season.  Kendall, Caroline, Bekah M, Sienne, and *drumroll* Tia are there.  Becca introduces them (though Colton and Tia need no introduction), and Becca forgets Jason's name (but he gets some smooches later, so it's ok).  While the girls AND the guys all get their fingernails painted, Becca and Tia step out to chat about the Colton situation.  Tia tells Becca the most they did was kiss, and sure he may have thought Tia would be The Bachelorette, but Tia hopes he's there for Becca.  I mean, Tia actually hoped she would be in Becca's shoes right now, but being cooperative now means more screen time for her and probably a good BIP placement.

For the evening portion of the date, we've mostly moved on from caring about the Colton-Tia drama, and instead get some excellent model vs chicken drama.  David just can't help himself from picking fights with Jordan, who we find out got 4,000 matches on Tinder in 2017 (which he claims was 100% a successful match rate).  David decides to tell Becca this, who thinks it's kind of funny and gives Jordan a sarcastic high-five.  Jordan call's David a bitch and goes to talk to Becca.  He gives her an awkward hug and tells her he's like a golden retriever in relationships.  Both Jordan and David think they've come out on top.  David keeps egging Jordan on who's decided to not talk to him.  David asks what look he's getting now:  "is this pensive?  Is this Clint Eastwood?"  Jordan finally breaks and rants about how good a model he is and how "attached to [him] is professionality.  It's [his] face."  The other guys are trying really hard not to laugh.

The date ends after Becca chats with Colton, who tells her he's there for her.  She believes him, kisses him, and gives him the group date rose.  Jordan is pissed because he thinks David lost him the rose and says, "karma is karma.  People who go up against me end up getting hurt sometimes."  I don't think Jordan knows what karma is.

1-on-1 Date: "You brought out my smile on a rainy day"

Chris gets the one one-on-one date this week.  Becca brings him to Capitol Records, where Richard Marx (a Grammy-winning artist, as they tell us multiple times) is waiting to help them write a love song together.  Chris is very uncomfortable with writing down his feelings.  Not 'cause he's a man and men suck at feelings, but because last time he tried to be vulnerable and write down his feelings, it was to try to reconnect with his dad who left his mom/him/sisters when he was 7, he never got a response and it was rough.  Becca gives him a pep talk and a kiss, and he writes a sweet emotional poem.  Richard Marx puts what they wrote to music and they make-out and dance to the song.

That evening, Chris tells Becca about the whole dad-letter thing and he gets the rose.  They then get a private concert by, you guessed it, Richard Marx, where they dance and make-out in front of him for the second time that day.

"There was an incident at the house last night."

Back at the mansion, David and Jordan are at it again.  Jordan, despite getting worked up about David every time, still thinks he's winning here, especially since he "talk[s] to God every day, and God know, if Jordan's got an issue with someone, phew, 86 him."  And I don't think that's how God works?  Though maybe I'm wrong, because that night, David falls off his bunk-bed onto his face and there was a lot of blood and he had to be taken away to intensive care.  Most of the guys are pretty shaken up about it.  Jordan thinks it's a good time to make jokes.  Chris Harrison visits Becca to let her know what happened, and she calls David to say hi.

Group date #2 or "It's gonna be some pretty bad football"

For the other group date this week, Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, and Blake get brought to a football field where a couple of women from the Legends Football League run them through drills.  Clay, the professional football player, aces them.  Lincoln, not so much.  Then, of course, they split the men into teams and play a game in front of the most female dominated football crowd ever.  They play some football, Clay singlehandedly keeping his team from losing (they tie), but breaks his wrist while doing so.  He's taken off in an ambulance and the rest of the guys join Becca at an antique shop for evening drinks.

Becca chats with some of the men, kiss a few, and then is surprised by Clay returning!  Much to the rest of the guys' dismay, Clay gets the group date rose.

"I got hurt playing football on The Bachelorette"

Time for the cocktail party.  The main thing that happened here, is that Clay decides to leave.  He needs surgery for his wrist, and kind of needs to focus on healing to be able to do his job (ie play football).  Becca's bummed, Clay's sad, but knows he's making the right decision.  Then the episode just ends.  No cliffhanger, really, except the previews tell us David comes back for the rose ceremony and his face doesn't look too good (they don't show us his face though).  Pretty anticlimactic, really.

"Life ain't all blueberries and paper airplanes"

We start right where we left off last episode: Chad has just had a talk with Chris Harrison and returns to the rest of the men in the mansion.  He says he's not trying to start shit and that some of these guys are probably good guys or something, but hey, just live and let live.  Evan tells him he should apologize, after all, Chad did ruin one of his shirts.  Chad does not think he was in the wrong and instead offers Evan $20.

But it's time for the pool party.  Chicken Fights! Shots!  Hot tub!  Synchronized diving!  Evan gets a bloody nose for no reason and is embarrassed.  JoJo jokingly asks if Chad did it even though he was obviously not involved in that dive.  "Apparently Evan just bleeds thinking about me," Chad quips.  Everything is going great- "even Chad seems to be having fun," says JoJo, until Evan steals JoJo from Chad who then does his hovering thing and overhears Derek telling JoJo about him.  JoJo leaves to get ready for the rose ceremony and Chad decides to confront Derek.  Chad is very angry and Derek is somehow super calm and articulate.  Chad accuses Derek of watching JoJo on the Bachelor, to which Derek responds, "why would you not watch?"  Chad says he has a job and a life and WE ALL DO CHAD, but we still manage to watch this show.

I probably wouldn't be this calm with The Chad staring at me like that

Time for the rose ceremony: Chad gets the very last rose, much to everyone's disappointment.  We lose the guy who dressed up as Santa the first night, the guy who looks like Aladdin, and the second to last non-white guy.  I would like to note that Evan did not stick to his ultimatum and stayed even when Chad got a rose.

It's time to leave LA!  JoJo and the guys head to the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania.  Luke gets the one-on-one date, and they go mushing through the woods where they find a wood-fired hot tub!  We learn that JoJo is bad at getting into hot tubs.  She calls Luke a "beautiful looking GQ model" and they make out in the hot tub.  That evening she learns about Luke's time in the military and how he lost his mentor and of course he gets a rose.  They then head over to a concert of yet another musical group I've never heard of, but this time there's an audience.  Not to worry, there's a weird platform in the middle of the crown where Luke and JoJo can kiss for all to see and take pictures of with their phones.

maybe this was just a ploy so he could touch her butt...

Back at the mansion, Chad is complaining about the other guys and we get gratuitous shots of  a black bear.  Chad says ominously that "it's not a good idea to poke the Chad-bear."  The group date card arrives and makes it clear that Chad and Alex are going to end up on the dreaded two-on-one date.  Jordan calls Alex "an American hero," while Chad says this will be a date of a "grown man vs an angry child."

The group date brings Derek, James Taylor, Daniel, Chase, Wells, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby to Heinz field where they are greeted by Ben Roethlisberger and a couple of his football buddies.  Jordan is obviously in his element, and Evan thinks he is ("I'm in win mode.  I spell win E-V-A-N" ugh), well, until he gets another bloody nose.  James Taylor gets hit in the head, but even he wants to show how manly he is and refuses stitches to keep playing.  They guys obviously have to compete for JoJo, and Jordan gets to play quarterback for both teams.  The Blue team wins, so Derek, Evan, James Taylor, Vinny, Robby, and Jordan get to spend the evening with JoJo.  Robby gets a make out session with JoJo on a pool table and JoJo says "you know... he's a man," which really clears up what she sees in him.  Jordan gets the group date rose, though, since JoJo is obsessed with him.

I bet they asked him not to wash the blood off for DRAMATIC EFFECT

And now, what we've all been waiting for since, oh, night one: The Chad and Alex two-on-one!  They get off to a great start by cussing at each other while waiting to be picked up for the date.  Jordan speaks up and Chad threatens him saying he's hunt him down after the show.  Jordan clearly thinks he's all bark and no bite and responds, "good one, tough guy."  Alex and Chad leave, and meet up with JoJo for a hike.  For some inexplicable reason, the guys are given axes to help clear the trail, and why are you giving them weapons?!  Chad thinks Alex is a joke, but says that if things do go well, he'll "be taking his teeth home."  They set up a picnic on a rock and JoJo talks to Alex first.  Alex tells her how violent Chad is and uses threatening Jordan as an example.  She confronts Chad, who doesn't exactly deny it.   JoJo leaves to go cry and try to figure things out.

Back at the picnic, Chad chucks his cup in the river and goes back to Alex.  "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed," he says, like he's someone's dad or something.  Anyway, they have an indecipherable conversation ("the hay is in the barn, dude"  "the pigs are in the castle"  "I don't drink milk"  "you should, milk's delicious").  JoJo returns and asks Chad if he's threatened any of the other guys in the house to which Chad responds, "That's not 100% false" especially as he just literally, moments before, told Alex that the only reason he wasn't physically hurting Alex right now is because he might get in trouble.  JoJo lectures him on how violence is not the answer, and Alex is SO GIDDY that Chad isn't getting that rose that he doesn't seem to realize he only got the rose by default and probably would have gone home if JoJo didn't know her precious Jordan had been threatened.  I mean, she saw Chad have a physical altercation with Evan and Evan told her "me or him," and she didn't send Chad home, but hearing second hand that Chad might have threatened Jordan... that was it.

They probably gave then a small blanket so they had to all sit awkwardly close

Back at the mansion, a man walks in to pick up Chad's suitcase the rest of the guys are thrilled.  They pop champagne, party poppers, and take shots of fireball.  Chad's wandering the woods, whistling creepily, and suddenly, he's back at the house knocking on the door.  It's creepy as hell, and we won't know if anyone survives the Chad Bear for two whole weeks (thanks NBA).