"I love you, Bye."

We start with the typical Finale intro with clips of the lead being indecisive about their decision.  And, since this is the Finale, we are watching it live with Chris Harrison and a studio audience.  Chris Harrison promises us this will be a tearjerker.

On to the Maldives, where Becca is comparing the two relationships.  She muses that "with Garrett, it's been a little slower" which is meaningless considering he got the first impression rose AND the first kiss.  Anyway, before she gets one last date with the final two, they get to meet Becca's family.  Becca's uncles, mom, and sister are there to grill the guys.  Both guys make good impressions on the family and tell her she can't make a bad choice.  Becca was hoping her family would help her pick.  She tells them she thought it'd be Blake from the beginning, but Garrett snuck up on her.  She says she "doesn't want to hurt anyone, ever," to which her mom says, "well, it's going to happen."

Garrett's last date was actually pretty cool: they took a boat out to the equator and saw tons of dolphins.  On Blake's last date, they just biked around and made-out on a beach.  Both men then get a one-on-one with Neil Lane to pick out a ring.

Garrett and Blake take pensive boat rides to the rose ceremony.  Blake is up first, and Becca lets him give a lovey speech before stopping him right before he was clearly ready to propose.  She tells him he wasn't wrong in feeling like they were on the same page and he leaves to sob in a towel.  They cut to Blake sitting with Chris Harrison in the "live" portion of the finale.  He says it was difficult to watch (duh).  They chat about closure and stuff and Blake says he's glad Becca's happy.  Which is good, because now he has to watch Garrett propose to the girl of his dreams.

Back in the Maldives, Garrett begins his speech, and Becca interrupts him to finally say she loves him back.  He proposes, they get engaged, they drink lots of champagne, and Becca gives him the final rose.

Now it's officially After the Final Rose where Becca and Garrett can be a couple in public for the first time.  They pay some lip service to Neil Lane, watch a cutesy video of their secret weekends post show together, and check in on the rose bush they planted in Manteca during Garrett's hometown.  Then Garrett addresses some social media faux pas in the vaguest way, sort of apologizing but not really taking responsibility for his actions.  Apparently (and I had to look this up afterward), Garrett liked some transphobic, xenophobic, right-wing garbage posts on instagram and the internet was not okay with it.  Becca claims she got to know Garrett away from social media so she knows his soul or whatever, which kind of sounds like saving face, considering she is a fairly outspoken liberal on social media.  Anyway, after pretending to be serious for a minute, Chris Harrison sends the happy couple outside where a minivan is waiting for them (license plate: FNLROSE), an homage to Garrett's "limo" entrance.

We end the finale with a preview for Bachelor in Paradise, which promises lots of pretty people crying on the beach.

"Arie is a wanker"

We start this Live Finale Day Two off with a lengthy recap of Arie proposing to and then breaking up with Becca, as if we didn't just watch it the night before.

We see a montage of Becca going home to snowy Minnesota and being sad.  Then we see Arie having a panic attack in front of Lauren's house.  He shouldn't have worried- Lauren practically throws herself at him when he knocks on the door.  They apparently have talked on the phone, so she knows he broke it off with Becca.  Lauren says it's been tough.  Arie says he let logic win over his heart and that he's "1000 percent" over Becca.  She forgives him and hints that she wants to get engaged.

Chris Harrison talks to Bekah, Tia, Kendall, Sienne, and Caroline, who all claim they love Lauren, but man, does Arie suck.  They all agree he probably should have broken the engagement off camera and Sienne says it was especially shitty of Arie to get affirmation from Lauren before breaking his engagement.  He was making it sound like a huge risk, but really, he knew he'd still get Lauren.  They all bash Arie for a while, and then Becca comes out.  She gets a standing ovation, and Chris Harrison talks about how fans just LOVE her.  There are apparently billboards up in Minneapolis and LA, and someone started a "buy Becca a drink" fundraiser which raised over $6,000.  Becca says she'll donate it to the non-profit Stand Up to Cancer.  Chris says ABC will match the donation.  So at least something good is coming out of this dumb show.

Arie comes out next to face Becca.  They chat and he says he regrets proposing when he wasn't 100% sure.  Becca says she's ready to close this chapter of her life.  Since Arie's not the first Bachelor to break up with his final pick and get together with the runner up, we get an interview with Jason and Molly Mesnick who have been married for 8 years.  They say it was easier back then since there was no social media.  Jason says Arie seems like a nice guy, but being on this show can really mess you up.  Arie says he's just trying to do what's best for him.  Then they bring Lauren out.  Chris says to her, "I can't imagine what's going through your head right now," to which Lauren responds, "yeah, me neither," so I guess we'll never know.

Chris talks to Lauren - she's completely forgiven Arie and is so in love.  Arie proposes to a fairly tepid response from the audience, which includes both Lauren and Arie's families.  That wrapped up quickly and it's on to announcing our next Bachelorette.  Unsurprisingly, Becca has been chosen.  The other girls from Arie's season come up to gush about Becca.  And then, like they did for Rachel's season, they set up a Bachelor Mansion backdrop, and Becca meets five of her suitors:

1. Lincoln has a bowtie and an accent and a very long speech.
2. Chase wants to be Becca's open door (from the "one door closes, another opens" cliche).
3. Ryan has a banjo and sings a song about Becca.
4. Darius apologizes on behalf of the male gender.
5. Blake comes out with his horse Bradley so he can help Becca get back on the horse, so to speak.

And that's it for Season 22 of The Bachelor!

"Well you finally saw me cry."

Rather than promising us the most dramatic finale ever, Chris Harrison starts this show promising us that "Arie is about to become the most controversial bachelor in history!"  And he was right, if you define controversial as most people ended up being pissed off at Arie's actions.  It ended up being a pretty one sided controversy.  But let's get into it!

Back in Peru, Lauren B. and Becca K. meet Arie's family.  Lauren goes first.  She "hope[s] that [she doesn't] freak out and act weird."  She doesn't and Arie's family loves her.  Turns out they'll like Becca just the same, but it doesn't seem like that to Becca since every one of Arie's family mentioned Lauren while talking to her.  This does not please Becca since she and Lauren are like "an apple and a starfish" and I really want to know which one she thinks she is.

After meeting both potential daughter-in-laws, the family debriefs.  They tall Arie he can't make a wrong choice.  Arie pontificates and says it makes more sense and has been easy with Becca, but there's an undeniable love with Lauren.  Mom tells him Becca is the smart choice.  Arie just doesn't know and keeps repeating how this is the biggest decision of his life since it will change his life FOREVER (but more realistically, for the next 4-6 months).

For some reason, Chris Harrison has Caroline from this season on to chat about this situation.  She says pretty much exactly what she said at Women Tell All.  She adds that she doesn't think Arie knows what he wants, which isn't really an interesting take considering we just heard Arie monologue about not knowing what to do.

Lauren gets a pretty cool last date - Arie takes her to Machu Picchu.  They make out among ruins and Arie comments how Lauren has really opened up and relaxed after he told her he loved her.  Which makes sense, considering that's like the biggest rule on this show: the lead can't say I love you!  So if he says it, it must mean something.  Lauren is afraid of losing Arie, but is pretty sure he'll pick her since he's reassured her so much and has really given her no reason to think otherwise.

Chris Harrison now asks Sienne and Bekah M. their thoughts on the situation.  Sienne thinks Arie was looking for reassurance from his family about picking Lauren and didn't get it.  Bekah says if Arie is this conflicted, he probably shouldn't propose (no duh).

Becca gets a boring last date compared to Lauren.  They do a standard one-on-one date of walking around a foreign market.  They do get to pet some cute alpacas.  Becca gives Arie a scrapbook of cute couple picks (with empty pages for their wedding and future babies) and reads him a love letter.  Arie feels overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do.

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison has brought on Ben, who also told two women he loved them, and Jason, who broke up with his final pick and asked the runner up for another chance (they are now married).  Ben says Arie has to own up to what he's done.  Jason says he should just be himself (even though that doesn't seem to be working out for Arie).

Arie's feeling guilty about giving confidence to both women and still doesn't know what to do.  He meets with Neil Lane anyway and gets a ring.

Lauren gets the first rose ceremony.  She gives Arie an I love you/I finally found what I've been looking for speech, to which Arie shakes his head and says he can't go through with it.  Lauren doesn't know what to say.  Arie says he did fall in love with her.  Lauren says she's confused.  Arie "feel[s] a little bit like a monster right now" and Lauren "feel[s] betrayed."

Becca's rose ceremony is a bit happier, seeing as Arie proposes to her and gives her the final rose.  Becca is thrilled, obviously, and Arie seems happy.  Chris Harrison's been promising us DRAMA though, so we know this isn't going to end well.

We get a nice montage of Arie and Becca doing cute couple-y things.  Becca is interviewed, excited about a "happy couples weekend" she and Arie are about to have.  Arie is interviewed and he's (dun dun dun) planning to call off the engagement because he keeps thinking about Lauren.

Chris Harrison tells us this will be the "most emotional scene ever" and that they are going to show us it in it's un-cut entirety.

We get a nice split screen once Arie and Becca sit down, so we can see both of their faces.  Arie tells Becca she's everything he's wanted, but he can't stop thinking about Lauren.  Becca responds, appropriately: "are you fucking kidding me?"  She takes off the ring and Arie continues to babble about how conflicted he was and how he's been struggling.  She eventually say's "Ok, I'm done" and walks away.  Arie follows, to which Becca says, "I'm not gonna, like, hug you goodbye."  He still wants to talk.  Becca is not having it.  She asks him to leave.  He lingers.  She tells him to go.  He sits on the couch.  This goes on and on for a while and it is extremely uncomfortable to watch.  He FINALLY goes for real and Becca cries some more.

Back with Chris Harrison and out live studio audience, Becca gets a lot of cheering.  Chris Harrison promises us that tomorrow, Becca will see Arie for the first time since that break up.  Plus Lauren will be there.  Caroline, Bekah, Sienne, Tia, and Kendall all run up to hug Becca.

After the Final Rose Part Two will be recapped in my next post, as this is getting long.

"But this is the Bachelor!"

Women Tell All this season should have just been called Women Rehash the Same Drama We Already Saw.  They really just had the women explain some drama, yell a bit, and then moved on to the next drama reenactment.

First drama to consider: glam-shaming.  As Brittany T said, "it's not a real thing!", but here we are.  The girls argue pointlessly about this, to no resolution.

Chris Harrison moves on and tries to bring up the Bekah's age drama by calling out Tia for telling Arie she didn't think Bekah was ready for marriage.  Bekah gets defensive and starts to lecture Krystal, which just turned into everyone yelling at Krystal, so she gets brought up to the hot seat.

Krystal basically doubles down on defending her behavior and everyone else just gets more and more worked up.  Caroline yell-cries at her, Bekah makes a lot of faces, and Krystal concludes by changing the topic completely and saying her homeless brother saw her on the Bachelor and didn't realize people cared for him and is now getting help.

Sienne get's pulled up to the front to be complimented, basically.  She tells Chris Harrison she's single and dating, so if he knows anyone he should send them her way!  To which Chris Harrison replies, "it is what I do!"

After that nice little interlude, it's back to the drama with Bekah M, to yet again defend her age.  If Bekah didn't get so defensive and wasn't so hyper, I'd almost believe her.  She's perfect for Bachelor in Paradise though, and Chris Harrison agrees.  After bringing up the crazy story of how Bekah ended up on a missing persons list in Humboldt County (she went to a pot farm, didn't have reception, and her mom freaked out), Chris Harrison makes Bekah call her mom on speaker phone and tells her "there's a good chance she'll be missing for two weeks this summer."

Tia, being the last girl here that got sent home, gets brought up to the hot seat to audition for the Bachelorette talk about how Arie broke her heart but that she's ready to find love again.

Last up, Arie has to face 18 of his ex girlfriends.  They allude to some DRAMA yet to come, with Caroline ominously saying to Arie, "I know what you did.  And I don't know how you could do that, and I just really don't understand."  More on that presumably next week...

Before we move on to Bloopers, Krystal inserts herself back into the hot seat to ask why Arie's goodbye was so cold.  Arie responds that looking back (after watching her on the show), his goodbye was pretty appropriate.  Oh, and apparently she told the other girls that Arie has a small penis, which wasn't clear because they kept bleeping something, but context clues leads me to believe the words were "needle dick."  So that happened.

Then we actually get the bloopers which included lots of girls scared by insects and Arie messing up in interviews and saying "merp."  After the bloopers, we are inexplicably joined by John Cena, who we shortly learn is there with Leslie Mann and Ike Barinholz to promote their new movie Blockers.  Then they try to make a Bachelor crossover of women getting "blocked" from stealing Arie from other girls.  It's a bit lame, but the movie they are promoting also looks a bit lame, so what can you do?

"Because I need a wife"

The opening shot (after all the preview footage of girls being dramatic and looking shocked, of course), was Bekah M. jumping into the pool at the mansion and swimming and brooding alone.  The other girls are shown inside musing about Arie and Beech's 14 year age difference and whether or not that matters.

Chris Harrison shows up to agonizingly slowly tell the girls that they're leaving LA and headed to South Lake Tahoe.  Arie is excited that there's "a lot of outdoor stuff" here, "which is cool," as if LA is just a giant building.

Sienne gets the first date card.  They go parasailing, drink champagne on a beach, kiss, and then have dinner in a private room at the Hard Rock Cafe.  She gets the rose, which is good because otherwise a large crowd of Bachelor Fans wouldn't get to swoon and ignore the random band ABC hired that no one's heard about before.

The group date brings everyone except Sienne and Bekah (who get one on one dates this week), and Maquel (who went home since her grandpa died) on a survival training hike.  Their coaches are Mikel Hawke, a retired Green Beret Combat Commander for the US Special Forces and his wife, Ruth.  They first talk about needing water and the importance of recycling.  All the girls and Arie are given bottle to pee into.  Arie takes the first swig.  Jaqueline almost goes for it, but Arie stops her, saying his was apple juice.  Then they go eat some bugs and are tasked to navigate through the snowy woods.  At the end of the trail is a hot tub and champagne.

The evening portion of the date revolves around Krystal feeling insecure and projecting that insecurity on everyone else.  Especially Tia and Caroline who just can't handle her, and have no poker faces to show otherwise.  Krystal even tries to pull Tia and Caroline aside to talk about it and it is not remotely productive.  Tia ends up getting the group date rose, which just unhinges Krystal that much more.

Time for Bekah's one on one date.  They ride horses and make out in a hot tub.  These scenes are interspersed with different girls chatting about Bekah's age, if she's going to tell Arie, and if he'll send her home.  Arie talks about how he's changed since his late 20s and ready for marriage and then asks if Bekah's ready.  This awkwardly turns into a conversation about Bekah's age.  Arie's response: "Oh my god."  It's a good point that many successful relationships have large age gaps, and being young doesn't necessarily mean immature, and the other girls aren't that much older than Bekah, BUT there is the Standard Creepiness Rule.  And Bekah, Olivia, and Maquel are the only contestants who are below the creepiness line.  And Bekah is the only one who made a big deal about it.  So for everyone defending her age, if she didn't want to be judged, she shouldn't have let production make it a plot line.

Anyway, Arie and Bekah discuss it some more and Bekah more or less pleads for him to let her stay, and his dick Arie gives her the rose.

As is par for the course, there is no cocktail party this week and it's straight to the rose ceremony.  Krystal interrupts Arie before he can give a rose away, and says nothing much of import to Arie in an annoying whisper.  Brittany T and Caroline are sent home.  Caroline goes into the goodbye hug with her heels in her hand.  She was way over it.

"I wanna get those pillow-lips"

We begin this episode on a mountain road.  Shoot to Arie.  Leather jacket, salt and pepper hair, pensive gaze, motorcycle.  Arie puts on a helmet and takes off down the dusty road.  Fade to some teenagers adult women giggling about how nice Arie's eyes are.  Chris Harrison enters stage right.  "The hope is that one of you will become Arie's wife," he proclaims, pulling out a date card to squeals of women who can't wait to promote sugar bear hair and fit tea on Instagram get to know this bad ass handsome Bachelor a little better.

Ok, enough of that.  

The Princess Date

Arie rolls up to pick up Becca K, who gets the first 1-on-1 date of the season.   The rest of the girls are jealous, but Debbie Downer Krystal's dad got hurt on a motorcycle and she knows of people who have died and lost body parts.

Arie takes Becca to a different LA mansion where some designer named Rachel Zoe is going to dress Becca in gowns while Arie eats cupcakes and ogles.  Arie buys all the dresses for Becca, tells her which one she should wear that evening and then gives her some sparkly Louis Vuitton heels.  And if that didn't scream sugar-daddy extravagant, some dude in a suit walks up to them with a briefcase and  tells Arie, "Neil Lane sends his regards."  It's diamond jewelry, of course.  Oh, they also shower each other in compliments, drink champagne, and kiss.  Becca goes back to the mansion and the other girls are all like, I'm not materialistic but LOUIS VUITTONS?  "Oh my god they are gonna get married," says Bibiana, and I sure hope so because Becca is on my Fantasy Bachelor Team.  That evening, they talk about how Becca was in a 7 year on and off relationship and her dad died of brain cancer and she gets to keep the diamond earrings and obviously Arie gives her a rose.  They end the night being showered with large, gold confetti.

The Early Hometown Date

Krystal's name is on the next date card, which says "home is where the heart is."  She meets Arie at an airport where they take a private jet to Scottsdale, AZ so Arie can show her the Pizza Hut he used to work in, his high school, and some awkward home videos.  Next, Arie takes Krystal to meet his parents, brother, and sister-in-law.  They talk about how long Arie's parents have been married and how marriage can be hard but they love each other and have beautiful children, so it's ok.  That evening, Krystal tells Arie about how she comes from a broken home and her brother is homeless and won't let her help.  Arie showers her with compliments and kisses and a rose and takes her to an awkward private concert, where some guy named Connor Duermit sings at them kissing and table full of candles.

After the date, the other girls ask about what she did, and Krystal is not about to talk.  She says the most vague things possible about hanging out in Scottsdale and the girls are annoyed, but not as annoyed as they will be later this week!

The Group Date where Someone Cries and Gets Time with the Lead and Everyone Else Wishes they Thought of That

Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G., Kendall, Bekah M., Jenny, Sienne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, and Chelsea all go on a date together.  It's a demolition derby!  Which actually looks pretty fun, if incredibly dangerous.  Most of the girls are into it and get spray painting their cars with roses and things like "Thx Emily!"  Annaliese, however, is freaking out and in tears.  I'm thinking maybe she had a bad accident or a family member die in car crash, but no, bumper cars traumatized her as a kid.  Everyone has irrational fears, although the demolition derby is literally 15 people trying to crash your car, so that alone I think is ok to scared of.  Arie takes her aside and comforts her and then tries to help her out during the derby, which is sweet.  Jenny thinks it's hilarious and plans to target her, and that's just unnecessary.  Anyway, Chris Harrison and some famous race car driver named Robbie announce the tournament: The Bashelor Demolition Derby.  "Could this be the first time Arie actually wins something on a racetrack?"  Nice one, Chris.  So the derby happens and Sienne is the last car going, so she wins a trophy and milk (because that's a thing).

The After Party (as Arie calls it) is just your average cocktail party with all the girls fretting about getting time with Arie.  "Classic Chelsea" steals Arie away first to tell him about her son.  She tells the other girls that she did this because she's a mom and they don't understand what she's sacrificed, to which Marikh shuts her down with a very polite, no, you don't get special treatment because you're a mom- we all gave something up to come here.  Sienne gets to tell Arie how much smarter she is than him (and it was not lost on Arie: "She went to Yale.  I barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut.").  Bekah M. and Arie talk for about two seconds before kissing for a long time.  It was very uncomfortable to watch.  Meanwhile, Bibiana is throwing a tantrum about not getting time with Arie while doing absolutely nothing to get time with him.  The date ends and while Arie compliments Chelsea in front of the rest of the girls, he gives the group date rose to Sienne.

Cocktail Party, or, The Birth of a New Villain

Arie doesn't give anyone a chance to steal him and instead pulls Brittany aside, since she got injured at the demolition derby and couldn't make it to the after party.  He gives her a "Most Hardcore" certificate.  Then he goes and makes out with Bekah again, who tells her she's no drama and easy to please while wearing the most ridiculous fur coat.  Bibiana is still upset about not getting time with Arie, which gets escalated as Krystal interrupts girls for more time with Arie not once, but twice, despite already having a rose.  Bibiana yells at her, which doesn't seem to go through, and everyone else watched uncomfortable.  Anyhow, the rose ceremony happens, and Bibiana is given the last rose, because drama, y'all.

Girls we lost this episode are:

Jenny, who cried and tried to leave without saying goodbye, so Arie chased her down and demanded hugs.  She said she wasn't crying over him, she was just going to miss her new friends, and Arie reminder her that that wasn't the point.  She was upset about being broken up with for the first time, and she is not prepared to get broken up with in real life by a real boyfriend.

Valerie, who was the closest thing to a redhead to make it past episode one in my memory.

Lauren G., probably because there are still too many Laurens.

End credits roll over Kendall showing Arie a pickled bat and taxidermied seal.  Arie isn't weirded out because apparently he has a friend who collects doll parts which is way creepier.

I'll leave you with this great screenshot of Arie from when I paused to refill my wine while watching last night:

"I cried my eyelashes out"

As usual, the finale is live, and by live, I mean Chris Harrison watches it with us and provides commentary.  As unusual, Rachel is also there to live-watch with us, and she is not too thrilled.  Before we go back to Spain, however, Chris Harrison has some Bachelor Nation news to share with us: Juan Pablo is married!  Chris Harrison informs us that Juan Pablo asked him to inform the viewers, just in case we had forgotten that Juan Pablo is Chris Harrison's least favorite Bachelor.

Anyway, back in Spain, we are still only halfway through Fantasy Suite Week.  Rachel and Peter are at a stand-off: Peter doesn't want to propose and that's literally all Rachel wants.  She offers him the Fantasy Suite card anyway, to you know, "talk" more about this issue.  They "talk," and we get to see them cook eggs and bacon together.  It's cute.

Bryan gets the final fantasy suite date.  They ride horses through vineyards.  They chat and Bryan says the vibe feels off.  It's because Rachel is struggling with Peter's lack of wanting to propose, but she doesn't tell Bryan this.  She instead gives him the Fantasy Suite card, which Bryan barely can read through his eagerness to say yes.  He declares his love for the hundredth time, and then next time we see them, they are eating breakfast in bed after a subtle intro shot of a bee pollinating a flower outside the building.

Now for the Rose Ceremony.  Rachel gives the three remaining suitors a speech about how much she wants a proposal while looking directly at Peter.  She still gives Peter a rose though, after giving one to Bryan.  She says goodbye to Eric, who thanks her for the experience and is clearly bummed, but handles the break up very maturely.  Rachel goes back and toasts to "hard decisions".  We return to the live part of the show, where they bring out Eric to see Rachel for the first time since the scene we just saw.  He looks great and asks how Rachel is and reiterates that it was great to learn how to fall in love and I wouldn't be surprised if that was his audition to be the next Bachelor.

Again, back to Spain, it's time for Bryan's last chance date with Rachel.  They take a hot air balloon and we here lots of voice overs of Bryan idol worshiping Rachel.  He leaves no doubt in her mind where he stands.  In the evening, he gives her "Bryan and Rachel's Spanish Dictionary" which is an actual Spanish dictionary he taped a cover on and inserted a page with "important" words like husband, wife, and forever.

For Peter's last chance date, they go to an old church and get "advice" from a monk.  It's kind of a somber date as they yet again talk about how Peter isn't ready to propose but doesn't want to lose Rachel.  That evening they argue some more until Peter finally says he could compromise to not lose her which  makes Rachel more upset since she wants him to propose because he wants to.  It's really a no win situation since neither really want to compromise.  Peter gets mad and says fine, chose a mediocre life and a proposal over something great and no proposal.  Rachel says she was in a relationship before that seemed to be heading to marriage but it never got there so she just wants a proposal as proof of commitment.  To be fair to Peter, she's comparing him to a guy who took 5 years to get to almost proposing while Peter had barely 3 months.  They are both crying and say goodbye with an "I love you, Rachel" and an "I love you too."  It wasn't really clear what happened until we are back in the live show and bring out Peter.  That was a break-up, I guess.  Peter is still pretty hurt, and Rachel looks uncomfortable.  Peter tries to get closure and Rachel dismisses his feelings and gives a speech basically saying Peter shouldn't be the next Bachelor.

So now we know who wins, but the producers through in a few interviews where Rachel questions if she's rushing into this with Bryan, but no one believes for a minute she might turn down his proposal.  We get the obligatory Neil Lane visit to "sell" Bryan a ring before the final rose ceremony.  Bryan tells Rachel a "chemistry bomb had just exploded" during their first kiss and went on about how she's perfect and he loves her blah blah blah.  Rachel, presumably by Bachelor contract, has a statement prepared that starts out suspenseful before declaring her love.  Bryan proposes; Rachel responds "YES, give it to me;" they kiss and squeal and are engaged.

Back to the live show, Bryan comes out, re-proposes so Rachel can put the ring back on.  Bryan says his mom is thrilled, they say they don't know where they'll live yet, and Chris Harrison offers them another trip to Spain.  We end with a ridiculous teaser for Bachelor in Paradise which looks to be a shit show complete with love triangles, twins, trash-talking, and lots of tears.

The End.

P.S.  If you want to know how I feel about this season, I leave you with this:

"Are there any ocular facts that her and I dated?"

Chris Harrison starts this episode with jokes about extra security due to this particular group of men, as if anyone's forgotten Chad.  He then decides to show a montage of "memorable" MTA moments, mostly of Bachelorettes not taking shit from the men, but also Kaitlyn addressing online bullying and the one season where the villains were just two guys who were super close friends and the other guys were upset that they hung out in a hot tub together.  And the most "memorable" MTA moment, according to ABC, wasn't really a MTA moment but a gimmick where they did a live ultrasound to discover the sex of JP and Ashley's baby.  Then they introduce the men and give a little recap of the season and all its drama.

First drama to revisit: the Blake vs Lucas crap, which thankfully they realized no one wanted to talk about (Adam said Lucas should have said wha-boom once and then "wha-bye") , so we quickly pivot to DeMario.  DeMario decides to double down on his barely know Lexi, said she's a side-chick and demanded someone show him an "ocular fact" proving they were a thing.  No one's really buying it, and he tries to make a Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky parallel which made no sense at all.  Jamey pipes up for some reason and DeMario tells him he's irrelevant (which is true) and then Iggy chimes in so I guess we're addressing him now.  Rather than apologizing for stirring shit up, he also doubles down and says he'd do it all again.  Lucas calls Iggy a joke to which everyone else are like, dude, wha-boom, you of all people can't call someone a joke.

But now for the main event: Kenny and Lee.  Dean says that Kenny was probably the most well-liked guy in the house, and Lee, was, well, not very liked, so that should tell you something.  Dean is very good at saying everything but the word "racist" when talking about Lee.  DeMario says Lee was cool to him before he left, and the other guys said, yeah, they all thought he was cool too until he started antagonizing the black guys.  Kenny said it didn't feel like racism in the moment but more like Lee felt out of his league and was getting defensive and lashing out.  At this point, Chris Harrison calls Kenny up to the hotseat.  Kenny says that the Lee situation got in the way of his and Rachel's developing relationship.  After some more back and forth with Lee, Chris Harrison brings out Kenny's daughter who, when asked if she's proud of her dad, replies "yeah I'm proud of you.  You were like number 8."  Kenny gets choked up and Chris Harrison says they're sending them to Disneyland (which is less impressive when you realize Disney owns ABC).

Lee gets a turn in the hot seat next, and it's pretty clear he planned a sort of apology about not being a considerate friend to the guys in the house, but the guys aren't having it.  Chris Harrison brings up some of Lee's tweet, who claims they were bad jokes or something and he's sorry if he hurt someone, but he's hurt too (?).  This goes on for a while, and eventually they get Lee to denounce that one tweet as racist (which is literally the least he could do) and the guys say they appreciate it and that they'd be happy to help him become a better (ie less racist) person.  It's unclear whether any progress was actually made here with Lee, but Chris Harrison seemed pleased with himself, so there's that.

Next, Dean gets a turn at the hot seat and he is wearing an awful camo-print tux jacket and says how he was glad to have opened a door with his dad and that he still wants to know why Rachel said she was falling in love with him just to send him home.  Rachel comes out to the hot seat, so Dean gets to ask her, and she pretty much gave the same response as before: she was falling for him and sorry.  Chris asks Rachel about DeMario and she says "who?" Lee tries to apologize and Rachel sort of accepts- says she'd be happy to give him a lesson in black history and women's rights and that she hopes he's taken advantage of the opportunity to meet a bunch of great guys who are different than him.  Adam asks if she'd do anything differently, and Rachel said spend more time with him and Matt, to which Matt says, nah, you did the right thing.  Fred gives an incredibly rehearsed speech that started out like he was mad at her for not giving him a chance even though he already had feelings for her but ended with I'm glad you're happy, which was a weird 180.  Kenny tells Rachel she has his number if Peter, Eric, or Bryan don't work out.

Then we get bloopers, which they always heavily promote as the best and are mostly lame.  We did get an interview with Dean where he puts his chewing gum behind his ear, and when his interviewer was like wtf, he puts it back in his mouth and swallows it.  It's weird, yet the ladies still love him.

And that's it for these men!  Well, unless they are on Bachelor in Paradise, in which case they have another shot at embarrassing themselves on national television.

"an alternative facts piece of garbage"

Yet again, we start this episode mid-rose ceremony.
In Summary:

• Lee gives us a classic villain moment with a "I'm not here to make friends"
• Dean explains to us the conflicts in the house by strongly implying that Lee is racist
• Kenny yells at Lee
• Rachel gets emotional
• Chris Harrison: "Good going, guys, Rachel is upset and we're going straight to the rose ceremony"
• Rachel sends two guys I couldn't remember existing and Diggy, with the great glasses game and a stellar bowtie, home.

And it's time to leave LA!  Rachel and her 15 boyfriends head to Hilton Head Island in South Carolina.  Dean gets the first one on one date, and he and Rachel get to take a ride in the Goodyear Blimp.  Of course Dean has a fear of heights, but overcomes it for Rachel, even taking a turn driving the Blimp.  They pass by the hotel where the rest of the guys are conveniently hanging out on the balcony, and the Blimp flashes the words "Rachel and Dean are in here" and "Rachel and Dean 4 ever."  Bryan pouts because Dean is 11 year younger than him and is afraid that's what Rachel wants.

In the evening portion of the date, Rachel and Dean sit under a tree amongst a whole lot of handing lights.  Dean shares a sad story of how his mom died of cancer when he was 15 and that his family sort of fell apart in the aftermath.  As a reward for being vulnerable, Rachel takes Dean to a typical bachelor concert where they stand on a platform while a crowd watches them and some b-list country singer croons.

For the group date this week, all of the guys except Dean and Jack Stone go on a boat ride with Rachel.  They have a freestyle rap battle, a push-up contest, and drink a lot.  Peter does the Titanic (I'm king of the world) bit, Rachel has a captains hat, and Josiah boasts about how great he is.  They dock only to find they are all participating in a Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee hosted by Chris Harrison and judged by some 10 year old girls.  It's vaguely entertaining and Josiah wins, only because he is given the word "stunning" while Anthony in second place had to attempt "boutonniere."    He gets a trophy that reads "Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee Champions" which he later drinks alcohol out of.

That evening we find out that Iggy still just wants to incite drama, this time with Josiah and not Eric.  Iggy and Josiah's fight seems pretty tame however, as Lee is determined to get Kenny riled up.  Kenny and Lee go outside to presumably have another heated argument.  I say presumably as we don't get to see what happens for it's time for another To Be Continued to appear on screen.

"White dudes acting crazy"

We start this episode with a montage of Rachel walking her dog, so you know it's going to be a good one.

Group Date #1: Rachel is looking for a trophy husband husband material

How to be a celebrity couple.

Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and Lucas get to join Rachel at a BBQ and then compete in a "Husband Material Challenge."  It should be fairly drama free except we get a "Lucas is garbage" right off the bat from Blake, whose insistence he's going to ruin this for Lucas is clearly going to be his downfall.

To help Rachel heckle the guys during the Husband Material obstacle course, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis join the show.  They ask the guys if they have health insurance and jobs, and when they all say yes, they give Rachel a high five.  Iggy asks if they're setting the bar too low, to which Mila replies, "Have you watched the Bachelor?"  Because she and Ashton sure have.  According to them, they heard there was a contestant that looked like Ashton, started watching, and were hooked (that contestant was Jared from Kaitlyn's season, by the way).

Anyway, the guys attempt the obstacle course and are terrible at everything causing Mila to literally fall on the ground laughing.  Lucas somehow wins despite basically drowning his fake baby in a sink and shoving Kenny out of the way.  He does the Whaboom thing for Ashton and Mila who react like all of us ("Why?").

During the evening portion of the date, Rachel has some lackluster conversations with the guys, which included a terrible poem by Lucas and Blake using his time with Rachel to complain about Lucas.  It comes out the Blake lived with Lucas's ex girlfriend and they have a weird argument.  Everyone else is a bit uncomfortable around them and don't seem to care about Lucas being annoying as much as Blake does.  "These white dudes are kinda bugging right now," says Kenny, providing us a nice alternative title for the show.

Dean then gets the group date rose and also a lot of lipstick smudged on his face kiss.

First One on One Date (or should I say, two on one date)

The perfect family.

Peter gets to take a private jet to Palm Springs with Rachel, but that's not even the best part.  The best part is that he also gets to spend the day with Rachel's adorable dog Copper who is not letting a cast slow him down.

#CopperForBachelor?

They go to BarkFest, which is basically a party where everyone brings their dogs.  They have a ton of fun and then have a nice dinner together where they actually seem to talk about real things (like how they have matching gap teeth and that therapy has really helped them in relationships).  Peter obviously gets the rose and they end the evening with a fireworks show.

Group Date #2: Swish
Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, and DeMario get to play basketball for Rachel.  And because apparently all of Rachel's friends are actually famous people, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is there to help judge the guys.  "Basketball is a good game to connect to romance," Kareem tells Rachel in a not at all producer-fed line.  His appearance is interesting considering he wrote an article pretty harshly critiquing The Bachelor (and then wrote a follow-up for Monday's episode).

After the guys run drills for a while, they are informed they will play a live game in front of fans, which we then see includes AJ, Adam's creepy doll, and a full high school marching band.  Based on previews and a few interactions so far, I know Lee will soon be my least favorite guy once the Blake-Lucas stuff is over, but I appreciated his comments during the game.  He was well aware that he sucks at basketball, but decided to just have fun and laugh and not freak out about it.  Luckily for him, everyone was playing poorly.  Lee describes it: "when it came to shooting, everybody was shooting [he pauses, realizing he was about to say blanks] just random shot bullets everywhere.  Just duds."  After an incredibly low scoring game, Lee, Alex, Adam, Will, and Eric are victorious.  They guys head to the locker room while Rachel chats with adoring fans.

The last fan to leave is a girl name Lexi, who tells Rachel DeMario ghosted her to come on this show and she found him out watching After the Final Rose.  Rachel is floored and goes to get DeMario.  The other guys are bummed because they think he's getting the group date rose.  DeMario's pumped until he sees Lexi.  He tries to be smooth and asks Rachel "who's this?"  Lexi says "Karma's a bitch, isn't it, DeMario," and you know she's been planning that sentence for a long time.  Lexi goes off and it's clear to DeMario he's not going to be able to play it off that he doesn't know her.  He spirals: "She's pyscho", "I met her many, many times ago", "This is personal life stuff", "I mailed those keys to your apartment".

Rachel grills both of them, and Lexi shows her texts from DeMario.  DeMario is trying so desperately and ineffectively to salvage his public image, but Rachel is having none of it.  "I'm really gonna need you to get the f*ck out" she says.  DeMario leaves in a van, Chris Harrison shows up to play psychiatrist, but Rachel blows him off and marches into the women's restroom.  She goes to inform the rest of the guys who are pretty shocked.  The evening is pretty uneventful; there's another poem, Alex sings at her poorly in Russian, Josiah gets the group date rose.

The Cocktail Party: Return of DeMario
Rachel lectures the guys about pure intentions and then they do normal cocktail party stuff like give her a massage, play with barbies, and have thumb wars.  Meanwhile, DeMario shows up and security is keeping him out.  He tells Chris Harrison that "someone from my past came up and assassinated my character."  Chris Harrison steals Rachel away, who is curious.  Fred and Lee eavesdrop on Chris and Rachel and immediately go round up the rest of the dudes to go outside after DeMario.  It's very Beauty and the Beast Mob Song-esque.  Then we get the first To Be Continued of the season.

Another picture of Copper for good measure.

P.S. These guys may be the smartest set of contestants this show has seen, but they somehow don't have a grasp on normal phrases (despite one of them using "duplicitous" naturally in a sentence).  A collection from this episode:

"The only leg I have to stand on are my two legs." - Lucas
"You can either sink with the fishes, or swim to shore." - DeMario
Rachel's "legging-tights [...] fit her body like a coca cola bottle." - Josiah

Finale... Finally

Just in case I actually have a readership, I figured I should maybe recap the finale of Nick's season.

Still in Finland, Raven and Vanessa get to meet (well, re-meet in Raven's case) Nick's family.  Unsurprisingly, the family likes both of the women.

Vanessa gets the first last one-on-one date with Nick.  They go horseback riding and then are way to excited about meeting Santa Clause, who gives them a wood carving that vaguely resembles the two of them.  Vanessa says "it's nice to hear Santa Clause believes in a future between Nick and I," as if Santa wouldn't have said that to any couple who he presumably gets paid to act jolly for.

Vanessa and Nick then have a discussion they both leave unhappy with.  Vanessa says she's not comfortable if Nick chooses her just because it's a slightly better relationship than one he has with someone else, and it's a good point, but no matter how much better Nick's relationship with Vanessa might be, he's not allowed to tell her because that's no fun for the audience!

Nick and Raven then have their date.  They go ice skating and then Nick brings out a bunch of husky puppies for Raven to play with and I don't care if he breaks up with her, Raven is the real winner of Finland.  Raven says "I hope my kids with Nick are as cute as these puppies," and I hate to break it to her, but nothing is as cute as those puppies.

Anyway, Raven tells Nick she has no hesitations about their relationship, and Nick babbles at her.  At this point it's obvious who is going to win: Vanessa was crying at the end of her last date and Raven is soooo confident and I see what you're trying to pull, producers, but there's no way you're not going to show Vanessa emotionally winning and confident Raven get heartbroken.

Nick then gets to meet with Neil Lane for, what, the fourth time?  He picks out what I hope is the largest diamond yet.

Then we have the rose ceremony.  Raven's up first, gives a speech, and despite Nick's very drawn out words, Raven (and everyone watching) knows immediately he's breaking up with her.  She leaves and Vanessa shows up.  Vanessa tells Chris Harrison, "I'm nervous," and Chris Harrison says, "you should be," which I'm sure didn't help.

Vanessa goes in and Nick launches into his I love you speech.  He says "I'm glad I don't have to try not to say it," which is actually pretty sweet.  They sleigh ride into the sunset.

The End.

But not really, because we have After the Final Rose where Chris Harrison asks questions that makes it seems like he really wanted Nick to have been runner up once again.  We find out Raven is heading to Bachelor in Paradise and that Vanessa is moving to LA.

The, "it's like the queen has arrive" with Rachel coming out for an "epic surprise" (Chris Harrison's words, not mine).

That surprise is that Rachel gets to meet four of her suitors live on ATFR!  It's awkward and a little cringe-y, especially when a white dude says he's "ready to go black and [he's] never gonna go back."  Oof.  Despite that, I am still excited for Rachel's season!!!

"I said I'd follow my gut, but I've been following my heart"

This season looks to be the South American tour, as the guys head to Buenos Aires, Argentina.  JoJo and Chris sit on a bench and discuss feelings.

The guys are then informed by a distant Chris that there will be a one-on-one date, a group date and ANOTHER two-on-one date.  Oh shit.

Why is Chris Harrison standing so far away?
Were the guys not allowed to shower or something?

Wells gets the one-on-one date with the date card not so subtly telling him to kiss JoJo.  "I'll be frank here.  I'm the one guy here who hasn't kissed her," Wells says to a silent room.  The guys seem more concerned with the fact that Wells hasn't kissed her than the fact that the six other guys they live with have all been macking on her.  JoJo comes to pick up poor, nervous Wells, and Luke straight up asks "are you guys going to kiss today?"  To which JoJo says, dryly, "that's funny. Isn't it."

Their date starts off wandering through a street market in Buenos Aires, where Wells "buys" JoJo a bracelet.  They then go to this performance called Fuerza Bruta which consists of strange performance art involving a suspended pool and fake shooting a guy on a treadmill.  I can't help but note how tall Wells seems, but then I realize we usually see him amongst ripped, tall, jock-bros with enormous hair.

Unsurprisingly, JoJo and Wells have to learn this performance art and end up kissing in a shallow pool.  "That was the moment, Wells, that was the moment!  We did it!" yes JoJo, because apparently she judges everyone by kissing alone.

It seems to be going swell for Wells who has "a little tingle in [his] heart," until he talks about realism in relationships and is skeptical about JoJo's belief in unicorns.  He does't get the rose; both Wells and JoJo cry; the guys are surprised when Wells' suitcase gets taken.  JoJo inexplicably goes to a rave to sadly think about her choices.

A weird place to go after a break-up...

On to the group date!  Luke, Robby, Jordan, James Taylor, and Alex go play soccer with some local folk.  Luke says this is "the best Sunday afternoon I could ask for," and I worry about him, because the best Sunday afternoon I could ask for does not include four other competitors for my boyfriend's affection, but maybe things are different in Texas.  The guys are total jocks except James Taylor who is being all modest about how the other guys are HAWT and he just doesn't see himself "as this sexy dude."  So of course he's the only one to score a penalty shot and win a kiss from JoJo.  In true, dorky, James Taylor fashion, he says he's "on a train to ILoveJoJoville."

Aside from a very steamy-get-a-room-make-out with Luke, the big story of the evening portion of the group date is James Taylor snitching on Jordan to JoJo.  Apparently, Jordan is a gorgeous entitled d-bag, and James Taylor just had to tell JoJo.  JoJo confronts Jordan about this and he is so defensive, he doesn't even know what entitled means.

Worst confrontation ever: JoJo's body language clearly indicated
she was going to forgive whatever Jordan may have done.

Things are awkward, to say the least.  Jordan swirls his wine ominously, and the other guys are like, WTF mate???  The best part (the worst part?) is that this all came out of a rules of poker fight.  Anyway, Luke gets a rose, and Jordan is pissed because he still doesn't know what entitled means.

awkward turtle much?

Now on to the two-on-one!  Guaranteed drama!  Or, just an awkward learn to tango date with one too many guys...  JoJo exclaims that "there are three of us, but it only takes two to tango," right before it is announced they are doing a three person tango.  It's weird and Derek and Chase both look stoically uncomfortable.  That evening, JoJo kisses both of them, but chooses Chase because he attempts to open up after she basically told him he had to.   She also told him that she wishes she had opened up to Ben sooner... because... then maybe she'd be with him and not with these losers?  It was a weird feelings pep talk.

Derek cries and talks in the third person in the back of a van, while Chase and JoJo kiss to "Don't cry for me Argentina;" and if that's not good editing, I don't know what is.

Don't cry, Derek, you'll find your Pam in the end.

We actually get a cocktail party this week, where everyone who hadn't smooched JoJo this week got to.  Jordan wants "to do life with [JoJo]" and is also "glad [they] can go through tough stuff like that;"  "that" being James Taylor calling him entitled and if being called entitled is "tough," how are you not entitled?

Let's move on to the rose ceremony, when, in a huge plot twist, JoJo offers Chris Harrison a rose!!!

Like, who are these bozos?  You are the only real man here,
Chris Harrison.  Will you accept this rose?

Just kidding.  JoJo freaks out and decides not to send anymore dudes home tonight.  Alex is upset he got a "pity rose" and no one understands why he got any rose at all.

"You're on the Mount Rushmore"

Ah, Women Tell All.  The episode where the 28 ladies who thought a reality show was a great place to find a husband get one last chance to embarrass themselves on national TV audition for Bachelor in Paradise redeem themselves.

First though, we get to see the highlight reel of Ben and Chris Harrison crashing Bachelor viewing parties.  And by "highlight reel," I mean we get to hear a lot of women screaming, and one woman basically saying she'd leave her husband for Ben.

Because Tiara's only role on this show was to have a weird "occupation"

After a recap of this season's drama, the girls waste no time in complaining about Olivia.  Tiara's chicken (remember the chicken enthusiast?  Yeah, she brought her chicken, Shelia, to the show), interrupts by flying onto Lace.  Chris takes this chance to change the discussion to Leah and she tries to defend herself but doesn't do a good job convincing people she "didn't intend to lie."  Shelia interrupts again with a squawk, because, as Tiara said, "Shelia doesn't like liars."  Chris takes this moment to now switch to the Jubilee drama.  Amber and Jami accuse her of saying offensive things and try to talk about race and Jubilee apologizes that she sometimes says offensive things.  Shushanna apparently can speak (and in English, no less) and has a lot to say.

Chris Harrison breaks this up and brings Jubilee up to the hot seat to talk about her time with Ben.  They have a heart to heart and Chris says, "I know you can't control how complicated you are," as if complicated is bad, and oh wait, complicated is bad if your self worth depends on if some guy likes you, which is pretty much the premise of this show.  We learn that Jubilee is doing well and made sergeant and everyone cheers her service to our country.

Who is this guy?  This is almost too ridiculous to be fake.

Lace's turn on the hot seat, and she admits that she didn't know how to handle herself and that she's changed and tries not to use the word "crazy" so much.  Her interview ends with one of the three men in the audience popping up to say "You're not crazy... but you are crazy beautiful," and to prove that point, takes off his shirt to reveal a tattoo of Lace's face.  Chris then invites Lace to Bachelor in Paradise and she accepts.

It's the everyone hates Olivia show!  Starring: The Twins!

And of course Olivia gets a turn in the hot seat and the rest of the women are ready to go at her.  The twins lead the charge.  Olivia says she mostly kept to herself and said it was a difficult journey and hard to watch.  The twins say, no, you berated Amanda and called me a slut and were a bully.  Amanda pipes up to confront Olivia about all the mean things she said about how Ben should run away from moms and says "Being a mom is my jam" (cheers all around).  Olivia tries to defend herself before launching into a monologue about how she was bullied as a child and now she's being harassed online and she's sorry for saying and doing things on the show that hurt other girls.  Bullying and online harassment is no joke, but maybe if Olivia hadn't began with her "I'm smart and confident" speech and trying to defend her actions, her apology would have held more weight.  Also, being bullied as a kid doesn't make it okay to bully other people as an adult (Olivia is not the only person at fault here- the other girls making fun of her breath/cankles is not nice, either).   Even though I don't like Olivia, I realize it's more or less like disliking a fictional character, and I'm not going to go harass the real Olivia that character is based on.  Like with Kelsey from Chris Soules' season though, I feel like if an entire group of women unanimously dislikes you, it may be a good time for some self reflection on how you interact with people.  Still, regardless of whether Olivia actually is a mean girl or not, she should not be cyber-bullied (last year's Men Tell All with Kaitlyn went into more depth on this topic).

Next, Chris brings up Caila and they have a boring conversations about feelings and how Caila just wants to find real love.

Almost makes me miss Juan Pablo, his segment on WTA was a lot more dramatic;
but I guess this is what we get for having the most perfect bachelor in the planet of history.

Moving on, it's time to bring Ben out to face a bunch of women he dumped on national television!  It's not as dramatic as it would sound.  The girls mostly tell Ben they hope he's happy and Ben gives very diplomatic and uncontroversial answers to all the girls' questions.  Ben reveals he's in love (which we already know because he told both his final two that he loves them) and engaged (which anyone who spends time on the internet/standing in line at a grocery store that sells tabloids already knows).  Chris asks him one last tough question:  which twin in which.  He nails it, and I'm actually impressed by that.

Everyone's favorite time of the night: Bloopers!  This seasons reel is mostly the ladies and Ben spilling their drinks plus Becca forgetting what season she's on and calling Ben Chris.

And of course we get a preview of the MOST DRAMATIC BACHELOR FINALE EVER.  Next week come back for tears from everyone and a disapproving mom!

"I'm still #TeamBen"

Week 7 brings us to Ben's hometown of Warsaw, IN.  It is decidedly more happening than Arlington, IA, where Chris took the girls last year.  Ben starts off by meeting his parents in a diner and telling them about his last six ladies.  They look pretty unconvinced about the whole process.

The final six.

The girls are totally naturally walking in a classic autumn scene and oh look!  Piles of leaves!  Let's have a leaf fight!  This was totally not staged.  Also totally not staged was their surprise when Ben picked them up on a boat while they were conveniently standing on a dock.  Ben takes them to their home for the week and then asks Lauren B. to join him on a date after making joke about his parents having sex.

Lauren B. gets a tour of Ben's old haunts: his high school, his church, the movie theater (now hotel) where he had his first kiss.  And lucky us, we get to hear that story.  "I want to kiss you but I don't know how," Ben said at age 13 to land his first kiss, and again at age 26 to land one with Lauren B. Next they go to the Baker Youth Club where Ben used to work.  Ben is really good with kids and Lauren B. ate it all up.  They jump rope, play ball, girls giggle, and Ronnie the Half Court King sinks a shot, forcing Ben to kiss Lauren B. in front of 100 kids.  Then, surprise! Ben invites the Indiana Pacers to hang with the kids.  Ben consoles a crying kid and it's adorable.

Here kids, watch these people you just met kiss.

Ben and Lauren B.'s evening portion consists of resolving the non-existent issues that Leah brought up last week.  Then they go to Ben's favorite dive bar and take shots with a group of people who may or may not be Ben's friends.

JoJo gets the next one-on-one and the other girls pout.  Because they've clearly exhausted anything interesting in Indiana, Ben and JoJo go to Wrigley Field in Chicago and wear Mr. and Mrs. Higgens jerseys, roll around in the grass, and "eat" dinner on a tiny table in the field.  JoJo shares her fears with Ben, Ben says some articulate and comforting things and suddenly JoJo isn't scared anymore.

I would actually love this date.  Except at the Giant's ballpark,
and the jersey would have my name.

The last group date of the season has Becca, Amanda, and Caila playing in boats and with kites.  They all talk to Ben: Amanda wants to squeeze her kids, Caila thinks she's moss, and Becca is concerned about Ben being at the same place in their relationship as she is.  Ben gives Amanda a rose and whisks her off.  Becca and Caila look like they could kill someone.

They shouldn't feel too bad, because Ben takes Amanda to McDonald's in the worst product-placement date ever.  Ben exclaims he's always wanted to go behind the counter, so Ben and Amanda work the drive-thru before feeding each other greasy fries. At least Ben takes Amanda to a Carnival afterwards which looked like actual fun.

Attempting to romanticize minimum wage.

Last but not least, Emily gets a one-on-one.  Ben takes her home to meet his parents.  She babbles uncontrollably to Mother Higgens who looks slightly horrified at the prospect of her son marrying a wannabe NFL cheerleader.  She informs Father Higgens that she likes movies and hates vegetables.  They are all quite nice to her and Ben's parents are very diplomatic in talking about her.

Ben takes Emily back across the lake and breaks up with her while the other girls peer out the window and watch.  They console crying Emily who then gives a surprising sane exit interview after that word vomit of a date with Ben's parents.

Is Lauren B. trying to console her or put her out of her misery?

Dramatic music brings us into the rose ceremony and Ben doesn't know what to do.  Good ol' Chris Harrison, psychologist, to the rescue.  He asks Ben who maybe doesn't seem like good wife material and Ben makes up his mind.  Ben does exactly what Becca asked him not to do the day before: blindside her by not giving her a rose.

Chris Harrison, earning his paycheck.

Girls sent home, but not to hometowns:
Emily, who loves ducks because she never sees them in Vegas,
and Becca, who will have to forgo sex a little longer.

Villains Gotta Vill Part II

Feeling lost without another Bachelor Franchise show until January?  You can always read Chris Harrison's romance novel, The Perfect Letter,  Or, for something shorter and more absurd, head on over to Villains Gotta Vill.  Even Kaitlyn wants it to stop, but the villaining goes on, thanks to Clint and JJ.  Perhaps this is what happens when you're unemployed 32 year old living with your parents and have a very encouraging (and weirdly artistic) partner in crime.

Random villain-related side note:  Nick V.'s twitter handle, @viallnicholas28, looks like he's just calling himself a villain, albeit a dyslexic one.

If you're looking for a gift for me, look no further

"Inside, I'm crying right now" -Chris Harrison

It's time to recap Men Tell All, the show where dudes who "lost" a reality dating show bitch about it for a couple hours and the audience at home get to see the who's who of who's that while Chris Harrison earns his paycheck.

Oh, but first we spend 10 minutes on Bachelor in Paradise which will pretty much be Chris's season of girls and recent Kaitlyn rejects plus Claire (because she just can't get enough ocean sex).  There promises to be lots of ugly crying and Ashley S. making friends with the birds.

To start things off, we recap Kaitlyn's season thus far and everyone's embarrassed.  Tanner immediately jumps on Ian being an asshole with a nice little soliloquy of how everyone else will be bros4lyfe but not introverted-reads-books-Ian, so Ian takes off his jacket and strolls onto the floor as if he's giving a TedTalk.

We get these lovely faces from Chris Harrison.

He apologizes to everyone and their mom and everyone at least puts on a show of forgiving him so we can jump on the next person to attack!  Who's up next?  Oh right, Clint.  JJ defends their "intellectual curiosity" about each other and chooses some words poorly ("friendship," "hot tub," -air quotes added by JJ- deep, and meat come to mind) and then Kupah jumps in to change topics to Nick and how Kaitlyn should have spared them all the "agony of [...] helicopter rides" or whatever and can I just point out that you had already left the show in pretty bad form when Nick showed up PLUS you voted for Britt?

Unnecessary picture of Kupah, except does he even know how a tie works?

Back to Clint and JJ.  Chris Harrison pulls JJ into the hot seat to talk about his "journey" with Kaitlyn only to recap the Clint and JJ situation again and chat about that.  And through all of this, Corey with an 'E'," whoever that is, chimes in a LOT.  And I mean A LOT.  And he has some preeeetty strong opinions for someone who no one remembers and went home in the 4th Rose Ceremony after having practically no one-on-one time with Kaitlyn.

Let's move onto the people we care about:

• Ben Z. comes up to the hot seat to admit he still hasn't cried.
• Jared is embarrassed about his LoveMan intro which made me like him better until I remembered the Bachelor in Paradise preview.  At least he shaved his patchy beard- something even Chris Harrison called him out on.
• Ben H. fist bumps with Chris and how is he not going to be the next Bachelor?  Also, how is Ben H. that mature and articulate?  I know approximately zero 26 year old guys who could pull off any of Ben H.'s speeches.

  

  I mean, look at that face!

Kaitlyn shows up and we start her segment with a PSA on cyber bullying, which gets lots of amazed/appalled reactions so I'm glad Chris Harrison decided to bring it up.  This kind of online harassment is unfortunately far too common for any female in the public eye or on the internet who give off any remotely feminist vibes (if you don't believe me, just read the comments section of videos of female stars.  Actually don't, because it will make you hate everyone).

What the hell is wrong with these people, anyway?  Did someone hurt them? Do they wake up in the morning and think, hey, today seems like a great day to spew hatred on the internet to people I don't even know?  Like if you hate Kaitlyn so much, why are you watching a show centered around her?  And the backlash pretty much all centered on her being a "slut" or a "whore."  She had sex with a few guys she was dating, AND OMG THE WORLD IS GOING TO END.  OR maybe it's just her life and her decision and who cares.  Seriously.  Sure, you may think she's shallow or made some bad decisions, but they are her decisions that she made for herself and not for you (or you, Corey, so please shut up).

Do you have to audition to be in the MTA audience?
Like send in videos of yourself overreacting to everything?

The guys give Kaitlyn a standing ovation of support and then they ask her some questions.  She shuts down the judging of the Nick Situation with a "you try dating this many people and not make a mistake and have it televised" which is kind of a good point and also, this would be a boring show if no one made mistakes.  Ian apologizes again and drunk, horned up Ryan from the first night apologizes and Kaitlyn makes a gay joke about JJ and Clint and are we still on that?  Corey probably said 18 thousand things.

Then we get bloopers which is predominantly Kaitlyn being scared shitless of various birds plus a bonus clip of Amy Shumer hating on JJ.  Then Joe comes at her with a bird mask and everyone is like "you have bird tattoos!!!" Kaitlyn says that she can't see them which doesn't explain anything.

I'll just leave this right here.

Notable folks we didn't really hear from: Chris/Cupcake, Creepy Tony, and Joe, most likely because Corey would not shut the hell up.  Also, no one brought up Kupah's exit, though if were were to talk about one alcohol-induced exit, Ryan's was the better choice.  Also, no Britt/Brody update, though that's probably because they broke up ages ago and ABC realized that people just don't care.