"Inside, I'm crying right now" -Chris Harrison

It's time to recap Men Tell All, the show where dudes who "lost" a reality dating show bitch about it for a couple hours and the audience at home get to see the who's who of who's that while Chris Harrison earns his paycheck.

Oh, but first we spend 10 minutes on Bachelor in Paradise which will pretty much be Chris's season of girls and recent Kaitlyn rejects plus Claire (because she just can't get enough ocean sex).  There promises to be lots of ugly crying and Ashley S. making friends with the birds.

To start things off, we recap Kaitlyn's season thus far and everyone's embarrassed.  Tanner immediately jumps on Ian being an asshole with a nice little soliloquy of how everyone else will be bros4lyfe but not introverted-reads-books-Ian, so Ian takes off his jacket and strolls onto the floor as if he's giving a TedTalk.

We get these lovely faces from Chris Harrison.

He apologizes to everyone and their mom and everyone at least puts on a show of forgiving him so we can jump on the next person to attack!  Who's up next?  Oh right, Clint.  JJ defends their "intellectual curiosity" about each other and chooses some words poorly ("friendship," "hot tub," -air quotes added by JJ- deep, and meat come to mind) and then Kupah jumps in to change topics to Nick and how Kaitlyn should have spared them all the "agony of [...] helicopter rides" or whatever and can I just point out that you had already left the show in pretty bad form when Nick showed up PLUS you voted for Britt?

Unnecessary picture of Kupah, except does he even know how a tie works?

Back to Clint and JJ.  Chris Harrison pulls JJ into the hot seat to talk about his "journey" with Kaitlyn only to recap the Clint and JJ situation again and chat about that.  And through all of this, Corey with an 'E'," whoever that is, chimes in a LOT.  And I mean A LOT.  And he has some preeeetty strong opinions for someone who no one remembers and went home in the 4th Rose Ceremony after having practically no one-on-one time with Kaitlyn.

Let's move onto the people we care about:

• Ben Z. comes up to the hot seat to admit he still hasn't cried.
• Jared is embarrassed about his LoveMan intro which made me like him better until I remembered the Bachelor in Paradise preview.  At least he shaved his patchy beard- something even Chris Harrison called him out on.
• Ben H. fist bumps with Chris and how is he not going to be the next Bachelor?  Also, how is Ben H. that mature and articulate?  I know approximately zero 26 year old guys who could pull off any of Ben H.'s speeches.

  

  I mean, look at that face!

Kaitlyn shows up and we start her segment with a PSA on cyber bullying, which gets lots of amazed/appalled reactions so I'm glad Chris Harrison decided to bring it up.  This kind of online harassment is unfortunately far too common for any female in the public eye or on the internet who give off any remotely feminist vibes (if you don't believe me, just read the comments section of videos of female stars.  Actually don't, because it will make you hate everyone).

What the hell is wrong with these people, anyway?  Did someone hurt them? Do they wake up in the morning and think, hey, today seems like a great day to spew hatred on the internet to people I don't even know?  Like if you hate Kaitlyn so much, why are you watching a show centered around her?  And the backlash pretty much all centered on her being a "slut" or a "whore."  She had sex with a few guys she was dating, AND OMG THE WORLD IS GOING TO END.  OR maybe it's just her life and her decision and who cares.  Seriously.  Sure, you may think she's shallow or made some bad decisions, but they are her decisions that she made for herself and not for you (or you, Corey, so please shut up).

Do you have to audition to be in the MTA audience?
Like send in videos of yourself overreacting to everything?

The guys give Kaitlyn a standing ovation of support and then they ask her some questions.  She shuts down the judging of the Nick Situation with a "you try dating this many people and not make a mistake and have it televised" which is kind of a good point and also, this would be a boring show if no one made mistakes.  Ian apologizes again and drunk, horned up Ryan from the first night apologizes and Kaitlyn makes a gay joke about JJ and Clint and are we still on that?  Corey probably said 18 thousand things.

Then we get bloopers which is predominantly Kaitlyn being scared shitless of various birds plus a bonus clip of Amy Shumer hating on JJ.  Then Joe comes at her with a bird mask and everyone is like "you have bird tattoos!!!" Kaitlyn says that she can't see them which doesn't explain anything.

I'll just leave this right here.

Notable folks we didn't really hear from: Chris/Cupcake, Creepy Tony, and Joe, most likely because Corey would not shut the hell up.  Also, no one brought up Kupah's exit, though if were were to talk about one alcohol-induced exit, Ryan's was the better choice.  Also, no Britt/Brody update, though that's probably because they broke up ages ago and ABC realized that people just don't care.