"I'm in wifey mode right now"

Apparently wifey mode means breaking 9 dude's hearts, because that's what happened this week on The Bachelorette.  We started this week in Hilton Head, SC and ended, after a quick jaunt to Norway, in Denmark.  And we ended with a Rose Ceremony!  It's a miracle!  But more on rose ceremonies later.

Week 4, cont.

We start this episode mid-week 4 in Hilton Head, mid-group date.  Lee and Kenny are having a little spat.  Rachel gives Bryan the group date rose and Kenny congratulates him on not being a "bitch-ass dude" and then calls Lee a bunch of names, but mostly "bitch."  The other guys look on sort of uncomfortably, but mostly amused.

Next up is the most awkward 1 on 1 date ever with Jack Stone.  Jack is convinced he's falling in love with Rachel, and Rachel is just dodging kisses left and right.  Long story short, he gets sent home.  Back at the mansion, Will is giving Lee a lesson on race relations re: the word aggressive and it's use in profiling black men.  Lee doesn't really get it, but good on Will for opening up a conversation.

In normal Bachelor fashion around this time in a season, Rachel cancels a cocktail party and goes straight for the rose ceremony.  There's an attempt to make it dramatic, but after eight previews promising a Kenny-Lee 2 on 1 date, there's zero suspense.  Iggy and Jonathan go home, but not after Jonathan tickles Rachel one last time, which gets a laugh and applause from the rest of the guys.

Week 5

The gang heads to Norway where they meet Rachel in a bar so she can whisk Bryan away to make-out first while rappelling down a giant ski jump and then at dinner where they sit in front of untouched food and Bryan tells her he's falling in love.  Shocking no one, Bryan gets the rose.  The group date this week is a bit more entertaining.  Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Josiah, and Eric get to play handball in leotards, which, if you were wondering, is not the uniform of choice for actual handball players.  In the evening, Rachel gets read a love letter from Alex, a Prince lyrics embroidered purple scarf from Matt, and an allegedly three hour hot tub session with Peter.  Will gets the rose and Peter starts second guessing his connection with Rachel apparently forgetting that she was literally just straddling him in a hot tub and he has nothing to worry about.

Now for the dreaded two on one date with Kenny and Lee.  We see Lee getting ready by lifting weights and polishing his cowboy boots.  We get to see Kenny facetime with his adorable daughter and he cries and she tells him to have a great date.  It is beyond adorable and I would totally watch a show where Kenny's daughter helps him find love.  No one likes Lee, but everyone is worried Kenny will ruin his chances by letting Lee get into his head.  The date is not really a date- they go to some remote Norwegian forest where Rachel talks to each of them individually, Lee lies about Kenny being violent, and then we get like three minutes of Kenny walking back to confront Lee before another To Be Continued graces our screen.  Luckily, there is only one day to wait before we see Rachel tell Lee she doesn't trust him and she and Kenny helicopter off.  But not before Kenny yells at Lee one more time.  Rachel's evening with Kenny goes well, and he gets the rose.

Again, there is no cocktail party, and Rachel sends Anthony and Josiah home at the rose ceremony.

Week 6

Not travelling too far, Rachel takes the remaining nine suitors to Denmark where Eric gets the first one on one date.  They drink champagne, they hot tub, they talk about past relationships.  It's a pretty standard one on one, and he gets the rose.

For the group date, Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter, and Adam get to play Viking.  And by play Viking, I mean row a viking ship and then fight each other.  Kenny and Adam both get hit pretty badly in the face, which explains all of the previews where they insinuate Lee gave Kenny a bloody eye.  In the evening, Rachel kisses everyone and sends Kenny home.  It was a way more mutual get-sent-home than usual, especially at this stage.  Kenny doesn't feel sure about this whole situation and being away from his daughter is hard.  Rachel doesn't see Kenny at the end, so they decide it's best he go home.  For the third time, we see Kenny cry on the phone with his daughter.  Anyway, Peter gets the group date rose to end the evening.

Will gets the second one on one date in which they go sightseeing in Sweden and talk to an old Swedish couple about relationships.  Rachel's feeling only friendship toward Will, though, so he goes home.  With two guys down already this week, the rose ceremony is short and only Alex gets sent home.  Inexplicably, we see Matt and Adam still around despite having seen no interactions they have with Rachel.

"The drama is over." -a very mistaken Ben

To set the stage for this week's dramatic episode, we see a couple of girls complaining about Olivia.  "I think that she's, like, not a nice girl."  Ooooh, harsh, Amanda.  A few dozen "likes" later, we move on to Ben's one-on-one date with Lauren B.

"Dang, you're cute." -Ben

good try with that kiss through the headsets, guys.

Ben takes Lauren B. on a aerial tour of LA, and Lauren B., the flight attendant, is nervous about getting into an airplane.  And what better destination for their little plane, than an empty field with a hot tub?  And surprise, surprise, they end up making out in said hot tub.  Later, during the dinner portion of the date, Lauren B. shares that she like yards like her dad, and Ben shares a touching story about his dad's heart problems.  They kiss and Lauren B. gets the rose.  And not to be outdone by Caila's date, we have private concert number two: some country band no one's ever heard of.

Speaking of Caila, she's back at the mansion crying to JoJo because she's just now realizing that this is a different kind of dating situation.

"I have zero ball handling skills." -Lauren H.

Shockingly, they're not very good at this game.

Anyway, we get a group date where the girls get to literally compete for time with Ben.  Alex Morgan and Kelly O'Hara of US Women's National Soccer Team are here to teach the girls some soccer!  It's stars vs stripes with each team getting a twin.  They play some bad soccer and the stripes win it in sudden death and so get to wine and dine with Ben.  To no one's surprise, Olivia whisks Ben off immediately and the other girls sit around and make fun of Olivia's toes.  Olivia does not get the group date rose this time, however, because Amber made a move and got a kiss.

"I'm obsessed with hot dogs." -Jubilee

Jubilee is not convinced she wants that in her mouth.

Jubilee gets the second one-on-one date this week, and she and Ben also take to the skies, but this time in a helicopter.  They go to a super fancy mansion, eat fancy foods (Jubilee spits out caviar and neither of them know what a fig is), and spend some time in the hot tub.  At dinner, they talk about some deep and emotional stuff regarding Jubilee's past, and Ben tells her she's a strong woman and pauses in a way I thought could segue to "so why are you on such a degrading show," but no, Ben offers up a rose.

"It's insane to me.  It's literally insane." -Lauren H

What I was doing watching this whole episode.

It's cocktail party time and the girls are riled up because apparently they've lost all ability to detect sarcasm.  Jubilee is awkward and makes jokes when she's uncomfortable and everyone's taking it the wrong way.  But more on that in a minute.  Ben arrives with some sad news: two of his family friends were killed in a plane crash.  So, who else but good ol' Ben-stealing Olivia whisks him off to comfort him, because she, too, has a devastating tale.  Through tears she tells Ben that she has...cankles. I have no idea what planet you come from, Olivia, but your insecurities about the looks of your lower legs is not the best topic of conversation for someone who's suffered a loss.  Oof.

Moving on, Jubilee comforts Ben with a massage and that is the last straw.  The girls try to stage an intervention and Jubilee ends up in the bathroom, crying.  The intervention totally backfires for the girls, as Ben swoops in and takes Jubilee's side.  Just when Ben thinks there will be no more drama for the night, Lace asks to chat.  The rest of the girls look shocked, but rather than an incoherent drunk speech, Lace informs Ben that this isn't a good fit for her and that she needs to heed the words of her tattoo and learn to love herself.  Meanwhile, Olivia babbles about how Ben is 100% her future husband because when he hugged her, "he just squeezed [her] waist a little bit," and isn't that just the definition of a hug?

Girls we said goodbye to this week:
Lace, magically redeeming herself as a person by going home on her own to work on herself;
Jami, who, at 23, has figured she might as well give up and start buying cats;
And Shushanna, who all we know about her still is that she's fluent in Russian.

To conclude:

Elan Gale is a producer of the Bachelor, by the way.

"The most perfect bachelor on the planet of history"

Let's get dating!

Group date number one takes us to Bachelor High, which sounds like a trashy YA series featuring Ben, the attractive high school quarterback with a dark secret...

Anyways, the girls (Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace) team up to compete in vaguely high school inspired competitions to win the honor of being homecoming queen.  We also learn that Ben's best moments in life were his "first kiss and high school athletics."

First up: Science "class" where the girls make Ben's volcano explode.  But they don't actually learn any science because all the flasks are labeled with things like "trust" and "communication."  Jubilee and Lace are out because they couldn't find communication and also Lace hated school and wasn't very good at it and Jubilee called her Lacey the whole time because is Lace even a name?

Principal Harrison, here, to help you learn stuff good

Then we have "Lunch" aka bobbing for apples.  We learn that "Jackie's not great with her mouth, unfortunately."

Three teams are left for geography where all they have to do is place Indiana on a blank map of the United States.  They all pick the right shape, but Becca and JoJo somehow placed it on its side and therefore lose this challenge.

I mean, come on.

Lastly, we have gym, where the two remaining teams have to make a free throw.  Mandi and Amber win and have a hurdle race to see who gets to ride around the track in a car with Ben.  Mandi somehow leaves Amber in the dust and we see everyone frown as she gets a tiara.

Then there's the evening portion, and thank goodness, because there was weirdly no drama in the high school portion of the date.  Becca steals Ben first and shows off her hoop skills while Ben blames his shirt for missing easy shots.

Jennifer gets the first kiss after a very short conversation.  Jubilee gets the second kiss after revealing she was an orphan in Haiti.  JoJo gets the third kiss on a heli pad.  And this whole time Lace is freaking out and making all the girls dislike her while insisting she's not crazy.  "Fuck these bitches," Lace says while stealing Ben for a second conversation and reinforcing everyone's dislike.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, we are introduced to Olivia's mouth, and dear god, please keep that thing shut, girl!

this is horrifying

 just terrifying.

JoJo gets the group date rose and now we're onto the first one-on-one date, which is a shameless plug for Ride Along 2, some new Ice Cube and Kevin Hart movie.  And I guess it's also some time for Ben to get to know Caila.  When asked the most romantic thing they've ever done for a women, Ice Cube says, "I married one" and Kevin Hart says, "I cooked fried chicken one time in a crock pot,"  so you know they're going to take Ben and Caila on a good date.

Ben, Caila, Kevin Hart, and Ice Cube take a ride and Ben starts out with the hard-hitting question to Caila: "What's your favorite color?"  Kevin Hart and Ice Cube proceed to buy liquor and condoms for Ben and then take him and Caila to the first hot tubbing of the season... in a sketchy hot tub store.  And if that wasn't weird enough, Kevin Hart skinny dips in the hot tub with them until Ice Cube very scriptedly convinces him to leave the love birds alone.

Kaitlyn's Irish "funeral" is still the weirdest date ever, though.

Back at the mansion, Amanda misses her kids and skypes them on a phone with a blurred out logo because without the apple, no one can tell that's an iPhone.

Caila's date ends with our first private concert: Amos Lee.  She exclaims that there's "no way a snowball's chance in you-know-where that Ben is unlovable."  Either Caila's really that clean-mouthed, or she didn't get the memo like Lace did that they'll just bleep out your curses.  Though I'm pretty sure you can say "hell" on TV.

Group date number two takes Shushanna, Amanda, Samantha, Olivia, and the twins to a totally legit science laboratory to see if Ben has literal chemistry with any of them.  Clearly the twin trope was getting boring, because the twins decided to further the dumb blonde stereotype in this episode with gems like "don't put the blonde on this date" and "I'm not very smart."  And as if Olivia and her mouth needed the ego boost, she "won" the love tests, while poor Samantha was told she smelled sour and scored the lowest.

Olivia and Amanda get kisses in the evening portion.  Amanda tells Ben about her two daughters and Ben apparently thinks Amanda "makes so much more sense now."  Much to everyone's chagrin, Olivia gets the group date rose and gloats about not knowing what a rose ceremony is as if she doesn't still have to stand around for hours with the other girls watching exactly what a rose ceremony is.

At the cocktail party, Ben makes rose barrettes for Amanda's kids, Ben gives Lauren B. a picture of them from night one, Olivia ruffles some feathers by stealing Ben when she already had a rose, and Lace reprises her role as "girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party."  Because no lesson was learned from night one, Lace drinks to much and tells Ben yet again that she's not crazy and then launches into a speech about how she was an ugly kid and "tell[s Ben] one of the pictures" where she looked dorky.  Ben looks like a trapped animal when Lauren B. mercifully saves him and Lace storms off to whine about how she hasn't had anytime with Ben right after having time with Ben.

Then the rose ceremony.  The girls who went home were:
LB, who was offered a rose but *gasp* did not accept and left on her own
Samantha, who just didn't have a good enough odor for Ben
Jackie, who, well, wasn't great with her mouth
Mandi, which just goes to show that being Homecoming Queen is only great when you're actually in high school.

Fingers crossed we get tears next week!

Make it stop!