Finale... Finally

Just in case I actually have a readership, I figured I should maybe recap the finale of Nick's season.

Still in Finland, Raven and Vanessa get to meet (well, re-meet in Raven's case) Nick's family.  Unsurprisingly, the family likes both of the women.

Vanessa gets the first last one-on-one date with Nick.  They go horseback riding and then are way to excited about meeting Santa Clause, who gives them a wood carving that vaguely resembles the two of them.  Vanessa says "it's nice to hear Santa Clause believes in a future between Nick and I," as if Santa wouldn't have said that to any couple who he presumably gets paid to act jolly for.

Vanessa and Nick then have a discussion they both leave unhappy with.  Vanessa says she's not comfortable if Nick chooses her just because it's a slightly better relationship than one he has with someone else, and it's a good point, but no matter how much better Nick's relationship with Vanessa might be, he's not allowed to tell her because that's no fun for the audience!

Nick and Raven then have their date.  They go ice skating and then Nick brings out a bunch of husky puppies for Raven to play with and I don't care if he breaks up with her, Raven is the real winner of Finland.  Raven says "I hope my kids with Nick are as cute as these puppies," and I hate to break it to her, but nothing is as cute as those puppies.

Anyway, Raven tells Nick she has no hesitations about their relationship, and Nick babbles at her.  At this point it's obvious who is going to win: Vanessa was crying at the end of her last date and Raven is soooo confident and I see what you're trying to pull, producers, but there's no way you're not going to show Vanessa emotionally winning and confident Raven get heartbroken.

Nick then gets to meet with Neil Lane for, what, the fourth time?  He picks out what I hope is the largest diamond yet.

Then we have the rose ceremony.  Raven's up first, gives a speech, and despite Nick's very drawn out words, Raven (and everyone watching) knows immediately he's breaking up with her.  She leaves and Vanessa shows up.  Vanessa tells Chris Harrison, "I'm nervous," and Chris Harrison says, "you should be," which I'm sure didn't help.

Vanessa goes in and Nick launches into his I love you speech.  He says "I'm glad I don't have to try not to say it," which is actually pretty sweet.  They sleigh ride into the sunset.

The End.

But not really, because we have After the Final Rose where Chris Harrison asks questions that makes it seems like he really wanted Nick to have been runner up once again.  We find out Raven is heading to Bachelor in Paradise and that Vanessa is moving to LA.

The, "it's like the queen has arrive" with Rachel coming out for an "epic surprise" (Chris Harrison's words, not mine).

That surprise is that Rachel gets to meet four of her suitors live on ATFR!  It's awkward and a little cringe-y, especially when a white dude says he's "ready to go black and [he's] never gonna go back."  Oof.  Despite that, I am still excited for Rachel's season!!!

"Falling in love is a big leap of faith, and certainly so is jumping in freezing cold water"

This week, we basically had two episodes air on the same night: the "to be continued" portion of the Fantasy Suites and Women Tell All.

Fantasy Suites Part 2

After a brief recap, we see Nick leaving Raven after their Fantasy Suite date.  Raven tells us she's pretty satisfied and that "Nick is good at what he does."  And if that wasn't enough, we get a lengthy montage of Raven skipping around Finland and playing in the snow to an upbeat 80s-ish pop song.

Can we just take a moment to appreciate the fact that
Rachel is wearing a penguin printed onesie?

Rachel and Nick have a lovely date failing at cross country skiing and feeding reindeer.  Rachel does finally say that she's falling in love with Nick, which earns her a night in the Fantasy Suite!

Vanessa and Nick's date consists of  jumping in icy water and then running into a sauna repeatedly in matching swimsuits for a while before trying to discuss the future where neither of them want to move to the other's country.  They don't really resolve anything, but they do go to the Fantasy Suite.

Rachel goes home at the rose ceremony, and we watch a goodbye that would have been heart wrenching if we didn't already know she was the next Bachelorette.

Women Tell All

First of all, we got to watch a montage of people screaming, I mean, of Nick and Chris Harrison crashing viewing parties in LA.  They even "crashed" a Backstreet Boys viewing "party" where they drank rosé with three of the boys.

But on to the show itself!  As if we didn't get enough of it all season, Women Tell All was the Corinne and Taylor showdown.  It was pretty uncomfortable to watch- Corinne didn't listen to a word anyone said and made up her own version of what happened.  It was quite Trump-like, and I don't really want to revisit it.  Corinne also talked about Raquel, her nanny, and how she calls her a nanny because "cleaning lady" is disrespectful.  Everyone said they wanted "a Raquel" and I wonder if they realize Raquel is an actual person and not something they can own?  Anyway, through all this, girls we forgot even existed showed up to yell about the Taylor-Corinne drama half of them weren't even around for.  We never once heard from Danielle M, who made it to the top 6!  This is thanks to Women Tell All being the last chance to earn a spot on Bachelor in Paradise.

We did get a break from the yelling in the form of Liz, with some girl power speeches about being true to your self.  We even found out there is more to her than having once slept with Nick!  Shocking!  We also heard from Kristina (when Chris Harrison told her she "is the American Dream") and then Rachel, who everyone is just thrilled will be the next Bachelorette.  The yelling came back at the this point, but only because all of the women wanted to tell Rachel how beautiful and awesome she is at the same time.  And of course Nick came out to confront them all.  Nick tells Rachel "I think the guys are really lucky to meet you," to which Rachel replies "they are."

"Would that be okay with you" is the new "Can I ask for your daughter's hand in marriage"

We start week eight back in week seven- a pattern that is just not going to end this season.  The girls are chilling in their Bimini suite freaked out because Nick is not playing by the rules re: sending girls home at rose ceremonies.

Nick shows up and painstakingly slowly gives a speech to put them out of their misery.  Turns out he's giving them all roses!  The girls are almost giddy with relief.  But, Nick says, "it's a two way street" so he still has to ask them individually in case, you know, the Stockholm Syndrome hadn't actually set in yet.  He even offers Raven a rose although she already got one during the last group date.

For the first hometown visit this season, we head to Hoxie, AL where Raven drives up to Nick on an ATV to whisk him away into the mud.  But, like literally into the mud.  They take a pit stop at a grain bin, which I guess is what Alabaman's call silos, to climb up, because Raven says thats where you have meaningful conversations.  No meaningful conversations today though, because a cop pulls up and yells at them to come down.  He starts interrogating them about if they have their IDs but then, haha, jokes! It's Raven's brother!  I have to say, her brother was a pretty decent actor considering how forced these situations generally seem.  Anyhow, meeting the bro done with, the two have some more ATV racing to attend to before having a water fight and making out in a marsh.

They clean up and head to Raven's parent's home, while we get a voiceover reminding us how Raven's dad got diagnosed with lung cancer a year an a half ago and how she didn't know if he'd make it to meet a guy she brings home.  They sit down and Raven's dad tells her he's cancer free.  It's a pretty big moment for them to share with Raven and some guy who will probably dump her on TV in a couple of weeks.  Raven and her dad then have an emotional conversation where Raven says she would walk down the aisle alone if he died.  Then Nick asks her dad for his blessing, but in a rambling question about if at the end of this he and Raven don't want to say goodbye, would it be ok by dad if they got engaged?  Raven's dad says he trusts his daughter's judgement, so if she's happy, he is.

I think this is how you get weird bacterial diseases?

On to Dallas, TX to be the first white dude Rachel's brought home!  Rachel takes Nick to her church since it's an important part of her life, but also a predominantly black place.  The pastor (reverend? minister?  I'm not up on religious titles, but the guy giving the sermon is who I am referring to) calls out Rachel and welcomes Nick and it's all very wholesome.  Nick and Rachel then talk about how comfortable they are in church and sort of talk about race and how they'd be an interracial couple.

They then go have dinner with Rachel's family and then they all talk about race.  I'm sure they also talked about other things, but this is all we saw.  Knowing that Rachel is the next Bachelorette, this makes sense, as the Bachelor franchise for the first time is going to actually have to talk about real things.  Rachel's sister brings up a good point about how it's great that Nick has no problems with being an interracial couple, but with the climate these days, one has to deal with society as well.  I also liked the moment when Rachel and Nick sat down with her sister and brother-in-law and Nick told them they make them feel comfortable, to which Rachel's sister says, "why, because you all look like us?"  (Rachel's sister is married to a white guy).  Rachel tells her mom she could see herself falling in love with Nick, and despite being the only one who hasn't expressed love for Nick (to him or produces), still seems to be a front runner even though we know they don't end up together.

First race, and now religion: The Bachelor is getting ahead
of itself in bringing up potentially controversial topics!

And for a complete change of pace, we go down to Miami, FL and get a peek into Corinne's world.  Corinne wants to show Nick a typical day in her life, and shockingly, it is not spent at an office running her multi-million dollar business.  They go to an "exclusive" mall.  The retail personnel all know Corinne and even bring her champagne while shopping.  Nick tries on a bunch of expensive clothes and Corinne buys him over $3000 worth of clothes that look similar to clothes I buy at the Gap.  The last time I spent over $3000 dollars on something, it was my graduate school tuition and I had to take out a loan.  Corinne then tells Nick she loves him in a mall restaurant before heading to the penthouse where her family and nanny live.  Before Nick and Corinne show up, we get to see her parents and sister talk about her.  Her sister says "he's older than Corinne, so, like more mature" and her dad says, "strike one, strike two, strike three" and first off, that's only one, maybe two strikes, but sure.  Anyhow, Corinne gets squeals of glee from her family and they all sit down to dinner.  

Raquel serves them food, pours their wine, and then sit down to join them.   It's pretty uncomfortable to watch considering while she's serving them, they are all talking about her and how she was basically a second mom to Corinne.  Corinne also complained that the other girls made fun of her for having a nanny.  Corinne and her dad talk, and her dad is concerned that Nick won't be able to afford Corinne's expensive taste and that she should be prepared for the worst case scenario.  That being Nick is a stay at home dad and Corinne has to work, presumably at her daddy's business.  Corinne's dad brings this up with Nick as well when he does his prepared speech asking for the ok for marrying his daughter.  But after a while, Corinne's dad says "I think Corinne is the lid to Nick's pot," so I guess he approves.

Nick is wearing a $1400 sweatsuit there.

Time to leave the country to visit Montreal, Canada, where Vanessa lives!  And this hometown could not be more different than the extravagant show in Miami.  Vanessa takes Nick to visit the school she teaches at, where she teaches adult's with special needs.  A bunch of students and teachers are waiting to greet them with signs and roses and tears.  It's an emotional homecoming and you can tell how much Vanessa's students care about her, and how much she cares about them.  She and Nick then make a scrapbook of their journey with her students.

Next, Vanessa tells Nick they are going to her mom's and then her dad's separately, since that's how real life would be.  Dinner with Vanessa's mom includes "15 loud Italians" who all care so much about Vanessa, most of them cry during this evening and do not go easy on Nick.  It becomes clear that Nick and Vanessa have not talked about the future and who would move where, which is kind of important.  Vanessa's mom calls Nick out on his response to why he likes Vanessa, as his first answer was about her looks (which is more or less how he answered that question with the other parents).  Then they go to Vanessa's dad's house where Nick does his "would that be ok [if your daughter and I got engaged]" speech, and his dad says he can't and gets Nick to admit, reluctantly, that he's already asked other dads.  They talk some more, and Nick kind of gets the blessing.  Vanessa then finds out from her dad that Nick asked all the girls' dads for permission (emphasis on dads- we did not see Nick asking Rachel's mom for permission since dad wasn't there), and that doesn't sit well with her, but guess what?  We won't know what Vanessa does with these new feelings until next week.

Between her students and family, it's obvious Vanessa needs to
stay in Montreal, so if Nick wants to continue pursuing
TV and modeling or whatever in LA, he really shouldn't pick her.

We end this week with a teaser of Andi showing up with an ominous knock and a "Hello Nick."  Of course, this will amount to nothing more than her giving him advice and good luck.  So, to be continued then.

"Nick is back, alright!"

Thanks to a "To Be Continued..." at the end of last week's episode, we have to sit through yet another recap of the Liz Situation, a cocktail party, and a rose ceremony before I've been able to drink enough wine to care about who goes home.  Surprising only to Nick, the Liz Situation is hardly a situation considering Nick's past on the Bachelor and being known for, well, having sex.  Next up we see what really had the girls shocked and upset in all the previews: Corinne.  Corinne is in this to win it, and clearly thinks the way to do this is to continue to throw her boobs at Nick.  She comes out to talk to Nick wearing a trench coat, not at all subtly indicated she's wearing nothing else.  And if that wasn't suggestive enough, Corinne makes Nick lick whipped cream off the top of her chest.  Nick worries the other girls might see and judge him (like all of America is doing now), and practically jumps at the next person who walks by to steal him away.  Corinne has a meltdown because their "conversation" didn't go how she planned.  It appears the mix of sugar in  the whipped cream, alcohol, and crying really wears her out because Corinne then sleeps through the rose ceremony.  Hailey, Elizabeth, and Lacey don't get roses, which is fine by me considering I still have no idea who they are.

trying to create a "sexual, mysterious connection"

Onto a new day!  None other than boy band legends the Backstreet Boys visit the mansion to invite Danielle L, Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, and Corinne to be back up dancers for their show.  The girls scream and BSB sings a little acapella I Want it That Way and for once I'm actually jealous of these bimbos.  The chosen ladies go rehearse with Nick and you'd think that would be fun, but Corinne's on this date, remember?  She's not great at dancing so she doesn't feel pretty and isn't happy when not the center of attention.  The other girls have a blast.  BSB choose Danille L to get a special serenade with Nick, which sounds great, but really they awkwardly slow dance on stage while the boys sing I Want it That Way again and kiss while the rest of the girls watch uncomfortably.

Corinne really didn't have much to worry about, only two
of the group were decent dancers, and Nick was not one of them.

The evening portion of this date has one of the most amazing conversations on the Bachelor ever.  After Corinne chats with Nick about how she's bad at "planned dancing",  she takes a nap and then returns to chat with the other ladies.  She begins by announcing that she wants to get a boob job, but, like, just a little one.  Another girl agrees, but says she's waiting until after she has kids.  Corinne responds that she can't imagine taking care of kids considering she "can't even handle [herself]."  She follows that up with "I need to get Raquel ready for that."  The other girls ask who Raquel is, and Corinne tells them it's her nanny and she and Jasmine have this exchange:
J: Do you have kids?
C: no
J: Why do you have a nanny?
C: I'm a kid *giggle*
J: wait how old are you?
(she's 24)
She goes on to talk about how Raquel keeps her life together and "makes [her] cucumber and, like, vegetable slices" as well as "lemon salad" and "cheese pasta."  When the other girls ask if she knows how to do laundry, she replies that Raquel does it and says, "But you know what?  It makes her happy and I'm not going to stop a woman's happiness."  It makes me wonder if Corinne knows that a nanny is a paid position.  She also says "I miss Raquel so much.  I've had to do some big girl stuff; I don't like it" and I wonder just how much of Corinne's life Raquel does for her.

Danielle L receives the group date rose, but this doesn't worry Corinne since "Danielle L is beautiful, but that's really about all I see and not much more, unfortunately." ugh.

Vanessa is the lucky lady who gets a one-on-one date this episode and Nick takes her to fly in a plane that lets you experience zero gravity.  It actually looks amazing until Vanessa starts puking.  Nick handles this really well and even kisses her after she's done puking.  Now that is true love.  That evening, they talk about family and Vanessa reveals she almost didn't come on the show, but received a sign from her recently dead grandpa.  Nick gets so emotional about the whole process and cries because Vanessa is making him hopeful.  So that was... nice, I suppose.

Clearly kissing is the best use of weightlessness

Group date number two takes Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany, and Dominique to a track where they get to meet Olympic athletes Allyson Felix, Carl Lewis, and Michelle Carter.  They are there to compete in a "Nickathalon," which I'm guessing is a word Carl Lewis was not thrilled to say, though at least he didn't have to tell the ladies "the gold is Nick's heart" (poor Michelle).  The events are a long jump next to a cardboard limo, a javelin throw into a giant heart, high jump onto a picture of Nick and then three girls get to run the 100m dash to a giant ring and some hot tub time with Nick.  Astrid, Alexis, and Rachel get to compete in the dash, and Rachel clearly wins.  Unfortunately, she knocks over the ring which gets smashed, and Astrid bringing up the rear snatches up a piece to win the hot tub time.

I wonder where this giant shirtless Nick tarp ended up?

Evening arrives, and you'd think without Corinne, it will be drama free, but nope.  Dominique doesn't think Nick gave her enough attention, cries in the bathroom, and then confronts Nick, who sends her home.  Rachel gets the rose, but not until after she basically explains Stockholm Syndrome to Nick, and how she has it.

In a twist that happens around this time every. single. season., Chris Harrison visits the mansion to tell the girls the cocktail party has been cancelled, and instead they are having a pool party!  Everyone seems to be having fun until Corinne takes Nick to a bounce house that happens to be set up on the driveway and straddles him.  The other girls are not impressed and one by one relay their concerns about him validating Corinne's behavior.  Raven drops the nanny bomb on Nick and says "she didn't know how to clean a spoon."  Vanessa tells Nick she's not judging Corinne, but rather Nick's actions, which is a kind of new idea on the Bachelor: that the contestants can decide whether or not they like the qualities of the lead.

The episode ends here, so we'll have to wait until next week to see how Nick responds.

aaaand one more picture of the Backstreet Boys for good measure