"It's real. It's been real."

Half of this episode was JoJo crying and saying "I don't know"

Chris Harrison and his live studio audience are here to present the final chapter of JoJo's Journey to Jordan, I mean, Love.  Journey to Love.   Because it was in no way obvious since night one who she was going to pick.  But before we get to that, Chris shows us Ben and Lauren from last season who are still together and not just there to keep ABC happy since they get their own spin-off but because they really care about JoJo's story.  Some members of the cast of Bachelor in Paradise are also there so it's even more awkward for the people sitting around them when they show a preview of the BiP shit show season.

Finally we get to go to Phuket, Thailand, where Jordan and Robby get to meet JoJo's family.  She tells her family she thinks she loves both of them and "when I'm with Robby, I think of Jordan.  When I'm with Jordan, in the back of my head, I think of Robby."
Jordan gets to meet the family first.  He shows up and gives everyone silly hats and then it's time for questions.  JoJo's mom asks Jordan how he will manage her trust issues.  His answer doesn't seem to satisfy her because she tells JoJo she's worried because Jordan is too similar to JoJo and mom's worried that she's blinded by his charm.  This is the same mom that told JoJo that she had nothing to worry about with Ben for no other reason except she's beautiful.  Then Jordan talks to JoJo's dad and notably does not ask for permission for JoJo's hand in marriage, which will become the scandal of the episode.

Anyway, it's Robby's turn to ingratiate himself with the family.  He kills it: professes his love, asks for the parent's blessing to marry her, and even her dad got choked up.  JoJo's mom tells Robby she's giving him a princess and he needs to "make her the queen of your heart," so that happened.

After he leaves, JoJo sits down with her parents and two brothers and I think her sister, who says nothing and only occasionally appears in a shot, what they think.  They all tell her Robby is perfect.  She gets upset and says she doesn't know and why can't they just pick for her because Jordan's great too.  One of her brothers points out that maybe she really wants Jordan since she keeps defending him.  Good thing JoJo still has one date left with each man to figure it out.

On JoJo and Robby's date, Robby says he wants to get her pregnant like, yesterday.  "You have a heart of gold," JoJo says, and Robby whispers, "you're a heartbreaker" as he leans in for a kiss and FORESHADOWING MUCH?

On JoJo and Jordan's date, they argue about why Jordan didn't ask her father for permission to marry her.  Jordan says it didn't feel right when he didn't know how she felt and there's still another guy in the picture and JoJo cries because why isn't Jordan just doing exactly what she wants so she has no excuse not to pick him.

Both men then meet with Neil Lane and picked out gaudy diamond rings.  Jordan then takes a page out of Ben's books and calls JoJo's parents to ask for their blessing.  He then writes a note to JoJo to let her know.  Robby also writes a note, so we get to see JoJo cry about how hard her decision is even more.

After some montages of the guys starting shirtless and then getting dressed in blue suits while their engagement rings sit nearby, it's time for the final rose.  Robby shows up first to the final rose locale, meaning it's game over.  Luckily, JoJo doesn't make him give his whole speech before interrupting and sending him home.  They both cry, and then JoJo quickly dries her eyes so Jordan can come make all her dreams come true.

What is with all the baskets and urns??

It's time for After the Final Rose.  Chris Harrison sits down with Robby and plays psychiatrist.  JoJo comes out to give Robby some closure and they send him away to bring out Jordan to convince everyone love is real.  Chris then pushes the Aaron Rodgers issue and Jordan does an actually pretty good job of dodging the question.  JoJo and Jordan are throwing around dates for a wedding and Jordan's moving to Dallas since, you know, he's unemployed and he can't become a famous sportscaster if he stays in Chico.

If you're going to miss all the drama, and have missed Chad since he went home, then have no fear, because Bachelor in Paradise will be gracing your televisions for the rest of the summer!

The Men bitch about Chad episode

Also known as Men Tell All, this year's show was, you guessed it, all about the Chad.  Chris Harrison tried to start with the Derek and Alex drama that everyone forgot about, but the second someone mentioned Chad's name, the men start going off.  Wells is Mr. Psychiatrist this season, and says that they should talk about Chad without him there and CUT TO Chad and a meat plate waiting behind scenes.

When Chad finally comes out, it's everything you expected and so much more.  Between explaining how he hooked up with both Grant and Robby's exes (calling Grant Darryl for some inexplicable reason) and mocking the rest of them for falling for JoJo immediately, and when not talking about JoJo, talking about him, Chad actually was pretty perceptive about the guys on this show.  But that doesn't change the fact that he's a huge douchebag.  The guy who dressed up as Santa night one decided to challenge Chad to a fight, but Chad laughed and said "good luck on the airtime there, Santa," and refused to fight him on account of his dress shoes.  Derek's up next on the argue with Chad train, and Chad dismisses him with a "your pocket square doesn't match your shirt."

Chris Harrison inquires about Chad's threats to find Jordan at home after the show was over, and Chad said, "maybe I was going to bring him candy."  Moving on to the next issue, they re-examine the Evan's ripped shirt fiasco.  We rematch the scene in slo-mo and it actually kind of looks like Evan pushed Chad first.  Basically, no one really cares about Evan, dick doctor.  Wells tries to analyze the whole situation, dropping a Lord of the Flies reference (they Piggy'd Chad) that most likely confused most of the other men.  Chad's interview ends with him saying "sometimes you chose apples when you should have chose pickles, if you know what I mean," and no, Chad, no one knows what you mean.

Anyway, the rest of the show tries to be about the actual Bachelorette and they bring Luke and Chase up to get closure with JoJo/further their auditions for the next Bachelor.  And just in case you forgot about him, Chad decide to wish JoJo all the best, even though her final two are liars and cheats and there for the wrong reasons.  JoJo refuses to respond saying that that's what Chad wants, attention, and she won't indulge him.  The other guys love this and give her a standing ovation.

Then, we have a surprise guest in the audience: Vinny's mom is there to tell JoJo she picked wrong and her son is the best.  Next, there's the blooper reel, which this year mostly consisted of JoJo being surprised by animals and insects and men breaking glasses.  Lastly, there's the preview for the finale and it promises a lot of JoJo crying.

"Now 'I love you' means GTFO?"

#LukeforBachelor editing right here

After the drawn-out departure of Luke, JoJo and her three guys that she is "like, googoogaga over" head to Thailand for Fantasy Suite Week, or "exotic overnight dates" as JoJo calls them (and by overnight, she means sex, of course).  So while everyone is still figuring out why she didn't want to sleep with Luke, we muddle through a boring date with Robby where they make out while people massage their feet.

That evening, Robby tells JoJo yet again how he's in love with her and gives her a note his dad wrote to him about to prove that he's telling the truth or something.  JoJo brings up Ben again because Robby said I love you and Ben said I love you and we all know how well that went.  JoJo gives him the fantasy suite invite and Robby says "I don't have to dream about JoJo, I get to dream with JoJo" and we're done.  I'm moving on to Jordan's date because I can't handle anything else out of Robby's Ken doll mouth.

Jordan and JoJo go on a long difficult hike to some pretty cool caves.  Unfortunately, one of the caves us a temple and they can't kiss so are forced to talk.  Then, at dinner, Jordan says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, to which JoJo immediately retorts with "that's what Ben said," and girl, you aren't convincing anyone you're over him.  Anyway, he obviously gets the fantasy suite card.

"That was weird" -Chase/Everyone watching

Chase's turn.  The two play with fish and JoJo makes Chase kiss one and then they all but hook up in the ocean.  While preparing for her evening with Chase, she gets a little surprise visit from Robby, who said he missed her and knew where she lived and RUN JOJO, YOU'RE IN A HORROR MOVIE NOW.  Anyway, they chat some more about "country clubs and coloring books" and then JoJo mentions she's actually in the middle of a date.

Chase and JoJo "eat" dinner while Chase talks about how he sees a future with JoJo and tells her he "want[s] to smear that lipstick."  She likes this for some reason and gives him the fantasy suite card.  They head to the suite and Chase says he's "100% in love with" her and JoJo leaves to cry on a bench.  She comes back to send Chase home and he gets angry and she chases after him and says really helpful things like "I wanted to fall in love with you."  Cracking open a beer, Chase hops in the sad van with an "oh this is my fantasy suite?"  It's actually a pretty good exit, in my opinion.

Just wiping off hair products dripping down their perfect faces

Time for the rose ceremony that they're having for some reason other than forced drama, I'm sure.  JoJo comes out to tell Robby and Jordan that Chase is no longer here, and then what do you know, Chase walks in and pulls JoJo away.  Robby says "do people get sent home and come back from the dead?"  No wonder Robby was the first to say I love you and continues to say all the right things to get a rose!  He thinks the rejected bachelors get killed!

So turns out Chase is just back to have a nicer good bye with JoJo, and Robby and Jordan have nothing to worry about.  Then JoJo watches Chase leave with a monkey in tow and laments, "when did falling in love become so hard?" as if she didn't have two other guys she's fallen in love with waiting for some roses about 20 feet away.

"My heart is beating" -some brilliant commentary by JoJo

And now time to recap the Hometowns episode: where we get to see what kind of families raised men who think going on television is a great way to find a wife.

Chase: Divorce, Divorce, Divorce

In Colorado, or just on a movie set?

First up, we head to Colorado where Chase lives, and it is snowy and beautiful.  JoJo and Chase are going to meet Chase's dad first (since his parents, we learn, had a messy divorce).  Chase decides this is a really good time to ask why his dad and mom's relationship failed.  Then Chase talks to his dad alone (which may have been a better time to bring up the divorce?), and for the first time, I see a personality in Chase.

Next stop: meeting the mom, step-dad, sister and her family.  They're all pretty reasonable, nice people, and it goes well.  Chase and his sister talk about how they were both hurt by divorce and then Chase and his mom cry about love, to which his mom says "crying is not our style."  Chase tells JoJo he's falling in love with her as she leaves.

Jordan: The Aaron Rodgers Story

"the spicy child"

Next up: we go west to Chico, CA where we get further evidence that Jordan peaked in high school since he takes JoJo to his high school and introduces her to random teachers and coaches.  JoJo asks if some picture is Aaron Rodgers and Jordan changes the subject.  "You could tell it hurt him to bring it up," JoJo says, right before bringing it up again while they sit on some bleachers.  He more or less tells her not to bring him up.  So of course, when JoJo sits down with Jordan's other brother, Luke, she brings it up.  Luke says they all miss Aaron and it's hard to talk about and then the rest of the evening is boring because there is no more talk about the Aaron Rodgers drama.

Robby: The Hope Saga

For a total change of scenery, we go down to Florida, where Robby is from.  The theme of this date is Robby's ex girlfriend.  Right after JoJo tells Robby's mom she's falling in love with him, Robby's mom thinks it's a great idea tell Robby that his ex's roommate is putting rumors out into the world.  Namely the rumor that Robby broke up with this Hope girl just to go on the Bachelorette.  Robby breaks up what looks to be a nice chat JoJo is having with his sisters to tell JoJo about this.  He is a little too defensive about the whole thing and even says that he's "here for the wrong reasons" (even if he was quoting someone else).

Luke: Nicholas Spark's new leading man

Red solo cup, I fill you up
Let's have a party!

Time to head to the Lone Star State and into a country rom-com movie starting Luke.  Luke invites what looks like to be his entire town to a BBQ, and then he and JoJo ride off into the sunset on horses to sit on a bench made of hay, and walk through a candle-lit path to a giant heart made of flower petals where Luke tells JoJo his heart is hers.

In Conclusion:

What's more romantic than an airplane hangar?

Time for the rose ceremony and JoJo thinks she knows what's up until Luke pulls her aside to actually utter the L word.  Now that all the guys have told her they love her and none of them look that different from each other, JoJo has a break down and we get the worst image in Bachelor nation: a To Be Continued.

"I'd still take hanging out with JoJo over eating cow intestine" (understatement of the season)

Still in Argentina, JoJo has to decide whose parents she wants to meet.

She starts with a 1 on 1 date with Alex, the only guy left who hasn't had one, which is apparently very clear to other guys as Jordan responds with "now you can stop bitching."

JoJo and Alex have an awkward car ride into the country while the other dudes make up a rap about how Alex is short and JoJo likes the rest of them better.

Then JoJo and Alex dress up like gauchos (supposedly), ride horses, and then spoon with a horse.  JoJo explains that her relationship has changed with Alex and she thinks it has to do with spending time with him, and isn't that how relationships work?

That poor horse

It seems to be inexplicably going well for Alex until he professes his love for JoJo.  He apparently can't read facial expressions because he keeps babbling about how this all feels great and then JoJo sends him home.  JoJo cries because it's hard and she doesn't know what she's doing and why wouldn't Alex make eye contact when getting in the sad van?  Maybe because you just broke his heart on national television just when he thought he was going to finally be like his twin and be married too?

Anyway, it's time for a date with Jordan, who JoJo is still very much obsessed with.  They go to a vineyard and crush grass with their feet and then drink that grape juice, which, ew.  Then there's a hot tub, obviously.  Later, JoJo asks about Jordan's family and he goes into a monologue about how close he is to his family except Aaron (you know, the famous one who's dating Olivia Munn and the reason we all wanted a hometown date for this schmuck), and how football doesn't define him, implying it defines his brother and his brother is the one who's distanced himself from the family blah blah blah.  Then he says he's "so in love" with JoJo and she's all over him.

What a sad tableau

The group date this week is for Chase, Robby, and James Taylor, and the producers either totally forgot to plan it, or the rain really did ruin their plans, because the guys and JoJo had a "slumber party."  We find out that James Taylor's "A-game" is being able to fit an absurd number of french fries in his mouth, Robby really likes saying the words "front-runner," and Chase continues to have no personality.  They all seem kind of drunk and all more or less profess their love for JoJo.  Robby for some reason gets the group date rose and they make-out with a thunderstorm backdrop while James Taylor and Chase pout in the elevator.

Just remember: it was James Taylor's idea to stuff the fries in his mouth

Luke gets the third one on one date this week, and they ride horses and shoot guns.  JoJo says "Luke is for sure a man," so I guess that's a concern she has about the other dudes?

In a surprise twist, Luke doesn't get an evening portion of the date and goes back to inform the guys that the rose ceremony is happening right now, "so, yee-haw."

James Taylor does not get a rose and it's a tearful goodbye for both James Taylor and JoJo.  For anyone who thought James Taylor had a chance, let me remind you what her final four look like and try to tell me she doesn't have a type:

Meet Jordan, Ken Doll Jordan, Country Jordan, and Jordan 2.0

"I said I'd follow my gut, but I've been following my heart"

This season looks to be the South American tour, as the guys head to Buenos Aires, Argentina.  JoJo and Chris sit on a bench and discuss feelings.

The guys are then informed by a distant Chris that there will be a one-on-one date, a group date and ANOTHER two-on-one date.  Oh shit.

Why is Chris Harrison standing so far away?
Were the guys not allowed to shower or something?

Wells gets the one-on-one date with the date card not so subtly telling him to kiss JoJo.  "I'll be frank here.  I'm the one guy here who hasn't kissed her," Wells says to a silent room.  The guys seem more concerned with the fact that Wells hasn't kissed her than the fact that the six other guys they live with have all been macking on her.  JoJo comes to pick up poor, nervous Wells, and Luke straight up asks "are you guys going to kiss today?"  To which JoJo says, dryly, "that's funny. Isn't it."

Their date starts off wandering through a street market in Buenos Aires, where Wells "buys" JoJo a bracelet.  They then go to this performance called Fuerza Bruta which consists of strange performance art involving a suspended pool and fake shooting a guy on a treadmill.  I can't help but note how tall Wells seems, but then I realize we usually see him amongst ripped, tall, jock-bros with enormous hair.

Unsurprisingly, JoJo and Wells have to learn this performance art and end up kissing in a shallow pool.  "That was the moment, Wells, that was the moment!  We did it!" yes JoJo, because apparently she judges everyone by kissing alone.

It seems to be going swell for Wells who has "a little tingle in [his] heart," until he talks about realism in relationships and is skeptical about JoJo's belief in unicorns.  He does't get the rose; both Wells and JoJo cry; the guys are surprised when Wells' suitcase gets taken.  JoJo inexplicably goes to a rave to sadly think about her choices.

A weird place to go after a break-up...

On to the group date!  Luke, Robby, Jordan, James Taylor, and Alex go play soccer with some local folk.  Luke says this is "the best Sunday afternoon I could ask for," and I worry about him, because the best Sunday afternoon I could ask for does not include four other competitors for my boyfriend's affection, but maybe things are different in Texas.  The guys are total jocks except James Taylor who is being all modest about how the other guys are HAWT and he just doesn't see himself "as this sexy dude."  So of course he's the only one to score a penalty shot and win a kiss from JoJo.  In true, dorky, James Taylor fashion, he says he's "on a train to ILoveJoJoville."

Aside from a very steamy-get-a-room-make-out with Luke, the big story of the evening portion of the group date is James Taylor snitching on Jordan to JoJo.  Apparently, Jordan is a gorgeous entitled d-bag, and James Taylor just had to tell JoJo.  JoJo confronts Jordan about this and he is so defensive, he doesn't even know what entitled means.

Worst confrontation ever: JoJo's body language clearly indicated
she was going to forgive whatever Jordan may have done.

Things are awkward, to say the least.  Jordan swirls his wine ominously, and the other guys are like, WTF mate???  The best part (the worst part?) is that this all came out of a rules of poker fight.  Anyway, Luke gets a rose, and Jordan is pissed because he still doesn't know what entitled means.

awkward turtle much?

Now on to the two-on-one!  Guaranteed drama!  Or, just an awkward learn to tango date with one too many guys...  JoJo exclaims that "there are three of us, but it only takes two to tango," right before it is announced they are doing a three person tango.  It's weird and Derek and Chase both look stoically uncomfortable.  That evening, JoJo kisses both of them, but chooses Chase because he attempts to open up after she basically told him he had to.   She also told him that she wishes she had opened up to Ben sooner... because... then maybe she'd be with him and not with these losers?  It was a weird feelings pep talk.

Derek cries and talks in the third person in the back of a van, while Chase and JoJo kiss to "Don't cry for me Argentina;" and if that's not good editing, I don't know what is.

Don't cry, Derek, you'll find your Pam in the end.

We actually get a cocktail party this week, where everyone who hadn't smooched JoJo this week got to.  Jordan wants "to do life with [JoJo]" and is also "glad [they] can go through tough stuff like that;"  "that" being James Taylor calling him entitled and if being called entitled is "tough," how are you not entitled?

Let's move on to the rose ceremony, when, in a huge plot twist, JoJo offers Chris Harrison a rose!!!

Like, who are these bozos?  You are the only real man here,
Chris Harrison.  Will you accept this rose?

Just kidding.  JoJo freaks out and decides not to send anymore dudes home tonight.  Alex is upset he got a "pity rose" and no one understands why he got any rose at all.

A Tale of Two Chads

(cue horror movie soundtrack)

We open this week's episode on the men having a "funeral" for Chad; throwing his protein powder into the wind.  "Death to tyrants," one bro yells, chucking the tub off the deck.  Everyone's happy, until there's a knock on the door.  Chad is back!  Daniel lets him in and asks how the date went.  Chad says some things like "JoJo broke up with me because I'm too intense" and "Alex wouldn't shut up about me."  Jordan, wanting to be reasonable and give the guy a chance, suggests that Chad should apologize to the group for being such a dick.  It doesn't go over well (shockingly), but there's no violence and Chad leaves, twirling anticlimactically out the door.

Alex returns from the date after an evening with JoJo that was presumably too boring to air, and the guys hoist him on their shoulders, set off fireworks, shove his face in a cake, and have somehow found party hats to wear.

It's cocktail party time, and with no common enemy to bond over, the men begin to unravel.  Everyone sees Robby kiss JoJo out by the fountain and are convinced he did it in view on purpose.  Luke and Alex already have roses and took "seconds" of JoJo time, so apparently any "gentleman's code" they were adhering to was thrown out the window.  Basically, they all get super insecure except for Jordan, who pushes JoJo against a wall barely hidden from the other guys, for a little make-out session.  Two guys end up going home: James F., who I only knew existed because there had to be another James for James Taylor to need a last initial, and Daniel, who went out with a strange monologue about how he has no personality and something about the chances of "getting hit by lighting while.... shaving."

Even Vinny realizes how awful his hair cut was and put on a hat.

Moving on, it's time to leave the country!  JoJo's taking the guys to Punte Del Este, Uruguay, a place she had obviously just learned how to pronounce!  Jordan gets the first one-on-one date where they kiss on a yacht and swim with seals and it's nice and drama free, so instead of watching that, we get to watch some manufactured drama.  Vinny, it seems, has set up a "barbershop," complete with trashy tabloid magazines, one of which so happens to have a "tell-all" article with JoJo's ex-boyfriend, who's name is, you guessed it, Chad.  Chad 2.0 claims JoJo ran back to him after getting dumped by Ben and only broke it off with him (again) to chase fame on the Bachelorette.  Uh oh, seems like JoJo's not here for the right reasons!  The guys overanalyze this for hours.

Back on JoJo and Jordan's date, the two of them sit at a table with food they won't eat and wine they will drink to have some serious discussion.  JoJo is worried because apparently she's met an ex of Jordan's who said he was a cheater.  Jordan claims he's not a cheater and that he wasn't a good boyfriend because he was too focused on a career he wasn't good at, and that was what JoJo wanted to hear, so she believed him and gave him a rose.

Pretty sure many guys who were forced to watch this
didn't even notice JoJo's tears during this segment...

Happy about this date, JoJo chats with a producer who shows her the Chad article.  She breaks down and we learn that she is not a pretty sobber. She goes to clear  things up with the guys and begins crying immediately.  The guys clearly can't handle this and tell her it's a "non issue" even though they spent the entire day getting all worked up about it.

Apparently this is what guys do when everyone else is on a group date

For the group date, Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, and Alex go surfing down sand dunes until it starts raining on them.  They have a cocktail party where Derek gets the group date rose and Alex and Chase decide for some reason they need to confront him about how it's a pity rose and he doesn't deserve it.  But hey, a rose is a rose, and Alex, when you call someone an insecure little bitch, it just makes you look like an insecure little bitch.  His Napoleon complex is running on all cylinders.

Why did Robby pick those swim trunks???

Robby gets the other one on one date this week, and it appears to be the walk around a city and eat street food date.  She makes him try on a hat and tells him he looks like Ryan Gosling and I'm wondering if JoJo needs glasses.  They decide to jump off a cliff because it was about time we had a  physical risk as a metaphor for falling in love this season.  That evening, Robby tells a really sad story about how his best friend was texting while driving off a bridge and that changed his life and then concludes with professing his love for JoJo.  Let's just stop here and appreciate how Robby met JoJo barely a month ago and has only seen her in settings that involve a dozen or so other men competing for her attention and this is their VERY FIRST DATE EVER and he's already dropping the L bomb.

And now it's the cocktail party.  Derek decides to call out Jordan, Alex, Chase, and Robby for being mean girls and they all bro-ily scoff at him.  Chris Harrison comes in to cancel the cocktail party because JoJo already knows which of these losers she's sending home.  They are:
Evan, the frequent bloody nosed pastor turned erectile dysfunction expert;
Vinny, the barber with terrible hair who cut the other dude's hair and now I know why they all have terrible hair;
and Grant, the hot fireman who shouldn't be surprised since he's not white, and just look at this show's track record with black people.

They all cry as they leave. The End.

"Life ain't all blueberries and paper airplanes"

We start right where we left off last episode: Chad has just had a talk with Chris Harrison and returns to the rest of the men in the mansion.  He says he's not trying to start shit and that some of these guys are probably good guys or something, but hey, just live and let live.  Evan tells him he should apologize, after all, Chad did ruin one of his shirts.  Chad does not think he was in the wrong and instead offers Evan $20.

But it's time for the pool party.  Chicken Fights! Shots!  Hot tub!  Synchronized diving!  Evan gets a bloody nose for no reason and is embarrassed.  JoJo jokingly asks if Chad did it even though he was obviously not involved in that dive.  "Apparently Evan just bleeds thinking about me," Chad quips.  Everything is going great- "even Chad seems to be having fun," says JoJo, until Evan steals JoJo from Chad who then does his hovering thing and overhears Derek telling JoJo about him.  JoJo leaves to get ready for the rose ceremony and Chad decides to confront Derek.  Chad is very angry and Derek is somehow super calm and articulate.  Chad accuses Derek of watching JoJo on the Bachelor, to which Derek responds, "why would you not watch?"  Chad says he has a job and a life and WE ALL DO CHAD, but we still manage to watch this show.

I probably wouldn't be this calm with The Chad staring at me like that

Time for the rose ceremony: Chad gets the very last rose, much to everyone's disappointment.  We lose the guy who dressed up as Santa the first night, the guy who looks like Aladdin, and the second to last non-white guy.  I would like to note that Evan did not stick to his ultimatum and stayed even when Chad got a rose.

It's time to leave LA!  JoJo and the guys head to the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania.  Luke gets the one-on-one date, and they go mushing through the woods where they find a wood-fired hot tub!  We learn that JoJo is bad at getting into hot tubs.  She calls Luke a "beautiful looking GQ model" and they make out in the hot tub.  That evening she learns about Luke's time in the military and how he lost his mentor and of course he gets a rose.  They then head over to a concert of yet another musical group I've never heard of, but this time there's an audience.  Not to worry, there's a weird platform in the middle of the crown where Luke and JoJo can kiss for all to see and take pictures of with their phones.

maybe this was just a ploy so he could touch her butt...

Back at the mansion, Chad is complaining about the other guys and we get gratuitous shots of  a black bear.  Chad says ominously that "it's not a good idea to poke the Chad-bear."  The group date card arrives and makes it clear that Chad and Alex are going to end up on the dreaded two-on-one date.  Jordan calls Alex "an American hero," while Chad says this will be a date of a "grown man vs an angry child."

The group date brings Derek, James Taylor, Daniel, Chase, Wells, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby to Heinz field where they are greeted by Ben Roethlisberger and a couple of his football buddies.  Jordan is obviously in his element, and Evan thinks he is ("I'm in win mode.  I spell win E-V-A-N" ugh), well, until he gets another bloody nose.  James Taylor gets hit in the head, but even he wants to show how manly he is and refuses stitches to keep playing.  They guys obviously have to compete for JoJo, and Jordan gets to play quarterback for both teams.  The Blue team wins, so Derek, Evan, James Taylor, Vinny, Robby, and Jordan get to spend the evening with JoJo.  Robby gets a make out session with JoJo on a pool table and JoJo says "you know... he's a man," which really clears up what she sees in him.  Jordan gets the group date rose, though, since JoJo is obsessed with him.

I bet they asked him not to wash the blood off for DRAMATIC EFFECT

And now, what we've all been waiting for since, oh, night one: The Chad and Alex two-on-one!  They get off to a great start by cussing at each other while waiting to be picked up for the date.  Jordan speaks up and Chad threatens him saying he's hunt him down after the show.  Jordan clearly thinks he's all bark and no bite and responds, "good one, tough guy."  Alex and Chad leave, and meet up with JoJo for a hike.  For some inexplicable reason, the guys are given axes to help clear the trail, and why are you giving them weapons?!  Chad thinks Alex is a joke, but says that if things do go well, he'll "be taking his teeth home."  They set up a picnic on a rock and JoJo talks to Alex first.  Alex tells her how violent Chad is and uses threatening Jordan as an example.  She confronts Chad, who doesn't exactly deny it.   JoJo leaves to go cry and try to figure things out.

Back at the picnic, Chad chucks his cup in the river and goes back to Alex.  "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed," he says, like he's someone's dad or something.  Anyway, they have an indecipherable conversation ("the hay is in the barn, dude"  "the pigs are in the castle"  "I don't drink milk"  "you should, milk's delicious").  JoJo returns and asks Chad if he's threatened any of the other guys in the house to which Chad responds, "That's not 100% false" especially as he just literally, moments before, told Alex that the only reason he wasn't physically hurting Alex right now is because he might get in trouble.  JoJo lectures him on how violence is not the answer, and Alex is SO GIDDY that Chad isn't getting that rose that he doesn't seem to realize he only got the rose by default and probably would have gone home if JoJo didn't know her precious Jordan had been threatened.  I mean, she saw Chad have a physical altercation with Evan and Evan told her "me or him," and she didn't send Chad home, but hearing second hand that Chad might have threatened Jordan... that was it.

They probably gave then a small blanket so they had to all sit awkwardly close

Back at the mansion, a man walks in to pick up Chad's suitcase the rest of the guys are thrilled.  They pop champagne, party poppers, and take shots of fireball.  Chad's wandering the woods, whistling creepily, and suddenly, he's back at the house knocking on the door.  It's creepy as hell, and we won't know if anyone survives the Chad Bear for two whole weeks (thanks NBA).

"A Beautiful Disaster Story"

"Chad somehow stuck around," laments one dude as the cameras pan around at empty glasses, plates of meat, and trash that I wonder if the guys have to clean up.  If you thought last week's episode featured a ridiculous amount of The Chad, then hold on tight, because the next two are going full on Chad.

Let's get the first one-on-one date out of the way: Chase.  Chase and JoJo go to the weirdest couples yoga class and do things like "angergasms" and "yubyums."  It's incredibly awkward, but they end up making out, so good for Chase.  In the evening portion, Chase tells JoJo about how his parents are divorced and he never wants that for himself.  "I don't want to rush into things because I only want to get married once so I came on this show where I might get engaged after spending approximately 48 hours with a girl who's dating some other dudes the whole time," says Chase (I'm paraphrasing).  JoJo gives him the rose and they attend a private concert of some band I've never heard of.

And it's Chad time!  Back at the mansion, when Chad isn't working out, he's eating meat and figuring out how much protein he's intaking.  Evan says Chad's enormous muscles make him look like a cartoon character.  I'm thinking a bearded Gaston.  The group data card arrives and it's Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and *dramatic pause* Chad.  Chad straight up says he doesn't want to go on a date with so many other guys, and the rest of the guys completely jump down his throat.  Chad's calling everyone names and says he'll just chill here and get alone time with JoJo later and Jordan says hey, it's a group date so there's probably a competition so "whatever team Chad's on should hope it's bench press and not a spelling bee."  The other guys love that but Chad tells Jordan he's just a failed pigskin thrower and Alex decides to tell Chad he's not afraid of him so Chad tells him he needs more tattoos to be a badass.  Needless to say, tempers are running a bit hot going into this date.

The date itself is pretty uncomfortable for the guys: they have to tell a room full of people a personal story about sex.  Chad is angrily sulking because he doesn't think his sex life is any of JoJo's business yet.  Evan, the erectile dysfunction expert, is all about this date.  Daniel gets asked his favorite bodily fluid and he responds "poo," and why is he still here?  Anyway, we see a montage of the stories, and I guess it's pretty entertaining, though we don't really get to hear the full stories.  Then Evan comes up and does a "PSA" about the effects of steroids that is so clearly a dis on Chad.  When returning to his seat, there's a "weird altercation" and Chad ends up ripping Evan's shirt.  Chad is the grand finale and asks for a volunteer, JoJo, to come on stage.  He says something dumb about how his sex life is in the past and this show is about the future and tries to kiss JoJo.  She turns her head and the guys are thrilled.  Alex gives a standing ovation.

They head back stage where Alex is giving out chest bumps and everyone is Team Evan.  Chad punches a door so hard he's bleeding.  He then begins his new favorite pastime of threatening people, starting with Evan.

"If I can't lift weights, I'm going to murder someone."

Evening time and all the bros AND JoJo are wearing leather jackets.  JoJo talks to some guys, but the real show is Chad hovering around making everyone nervous.  Evan asks Chad why he's there and says he owes him an apology.  Chad tells Evan to stop being a bully and stay the fuck away from him.  Chad finally gets to talk to JoJo, who is concerned.  He goes into a speech about how the other guys think he's a bully, so they're bullying him for being a bully?  It's unclear, but we don't get much clarification since Evan swoops in to steal JoJo.  Chad mumbles angrily away.  Evan gives JoJo an ultimatum: "I'm not going to stay here if [Chad] stays here."

Time for the group date rose, and JoJo gives it to Evan.  JoJo tells the guys this is always such a hard decision and Chad looks on in disbelief.  "Is this real?  Is this a real scenario right now?"  No and Yes, Chad.  JoJo probably was urged to choose Evan to create more Chad drama, so it's probably not all that real since does anyone see Evan winning this thing?  But, yes, Chad, this is a real scenario on this show.  Also, the guys have requested security guards in the house.

Next we get a quick break from The Chad Story for a date with James Taylor.  JoJo and James Taylor are done up to look like they're in the '50s and learn how to swing dance from an old lady.  It's adorable, and when they leave, they are swept up in a swing dance flash mob.  James Taylor is an awful dancer, but tries so hard.  Later that evening he tells JoJo how he was kind of a dork growing up, sings her a song he wrote, and he gets the rose and a kiss.

And now we have my favorite conversation of the night: Daniel trying to unfriend Chad.
Daniel decides to start with, "Let's pretend you're Hitler."
"Let's not pretend I'm Hitler" - a fair response from Chad.
Daniel tries to think of someone else to compare him with and comes up with Mussolini, Trump, and Bush, so I'm sure Chad is going to take into consideration what Daniel is trying to say.

It's almost time for the cocktail party, but here comes Chris Harrison, so just kidding!  He is here to inform the men that there will be a pool party instead of the cocktail party.  Evan chases Chris Harrison outside to express his Chad concerns.  Chris Harrison has a little chat with Chad and suggests maybe he should do something about his impact on the house.

Chad walks back into the house while the rest of the men look nervous.

Fade to Black.

TO BE CONTINUED (aka the worst ending this show can have, and I have a feeling this is just the beginning).

Everyone hates Chad

We start this episode with a JoJo-staring-pensively-off-a-balcony shot while we hear her monologue about how she's ready for  love like Ben and Lauren found.  Maybe aim a little higher than love found on TV show that statistically won't last?

Then the show wastes no time in getting to the main event: The Chad.
"To a beautiful girl, a beautiful life, fuck you guys, I'm going to make her my wife," Chad toasts.  Then we get the first of many speeches from Chad about how he thinks he's so much better than these other men because these other men act like they've never seen a beautiful woman before and none of them are man enough for JoJo and Chad clearly suffers from gross over confidence.

Time for the first group date of the season!  The guys hear an explosion and run outside to see a limo on fire.  They laugh and look confused and are generally useless in an emergency, so good thing JoJo shows up in a fire truck to safe the day!  And she's smokin' hot! And we hear more "hot" puns because fire and do you think this date is going to be fire themed yet?

Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Wells, and Robby (JoJo's "B-team" per Chad) get to go to firefighter camp today.  Wells basically gets heat stroke and the other guys are bitter because JoJo is concerned about him and he gets some precious one-on-one time with her.  Somehow the nerd won out here in the Jock contest.  But then the real competition begins, and to no one's surprise, the real firefighter wins the firefighter contest.  In the evening portion, Luke and Grant get smooches but Wells gets the group date rose for managing not to die.

Back at Bachelor Mansion, the guys are writing a song for JoJo, and it appears the lyrics are just JoJo's name over and over again followed by a "yeah!" Doesn't one of these men write songs for a living and somehow that's the best they could do?  Chad is having none of this though and does pull-ups with a suitcase of protein powder hanging from his waist.

"There's nothing that can give you the gift of watching a man, in this case a Chad, use a weight belt in such a revolutionary way.   It's a gift from above."  I have to agree with James S.- Chad really is a gift from above.  He's just the worst ("a meathead in the max," the "highest level of d-bag"), but that makes him the best.

Next up, Derek gets the one-on-one date where he and JoJo have a "choose your own adventure"  that really only consists of three "choices:" sea or sky, north or south, and Lombard Street or Golden Gate Bridge.  They have a boring date drinking wine in San Francisco, he gets a rose, and let's get back to Chad.  The guys are still having a sing-a-long and Chad is still unimpressed, but now has an admirer.  Daniel and Chad sit around talk about protein powder and how they're just a couple of cool bros.

Group date number two takes Jordan, Christian, Nick, James Taylor, Alex, and Chad to ESPN.  JoJo is "on air" with Sportsnation debating whether Stephen Curry is the greatest player of all time.  JoJo says he's not, which makes me kind of glad that when this episode was airing, I was actually watching Steph Curry be pretty great at basketball instead of watching this.

Anyway, the men get to do some "fun" competition while the hosts of the show power rank them.   The first event is "Strike a Rose" where the guys have to do an end zone dance with a giant rose and it's just as terrible as it sounds.  The second event has them spin around on a bat and propose to JoJo and while the rest of the guys have cheesy lovey dovey speeches, Chad isn't here to play games or make friends and actually calls JoJo "naggy" when she asks him to elaborate on why he likes her.  Next they all go into a press conference.  One of the questions is who should not win, and every guy picks Chad.  Chad owns it and straight up tells JoJo no one else seems to be there for the right reasons and think they're in love and he just met her and is excited to see if it can work but just doesn't know yet because he's literally spent like 4 minutes with her.  It's all too real, and makes a lot of sense, but we still hate you, Chad.  James Taylor beats out Chad and Alex for the number one spot in the power rankings and Alex is furious to see his name just below Chad.

Chad is definitely not here to make friends.

Onto the evening portion of the group date.  James Taylor is just amazed some pretty girl likes him since he's not "abs McGee."  Chad's keeping a running commentary of these "children" he's competing with and it's just great:

"The best thing about Jordan is his brother.  The worst thing about Jordan is that he's not his brother."
"Alex is just too short"  (Chad is not going to let this go)
"Christian is constantly listening to his own words before he says them" (That's not how that saying goes)
"Nick is trying sooo hard it's coming off so weird" (and Nick seems relatively normal for this show)

Chad goes to talk to JoJo, who likes that he's being honest but feels like he's overcompensating for something.  Chad talks about his tiny dog which is his segue into how his mom is dead.

James Taylor says that if Chad got the group date rose he would have to "rethink [his] whole life."  Really?  You were just saying how JoJo is way out of your league, so why would it be any shock that she falls for the king of all douchebros?  Anyway, James Taylor gets the group date rose, so no rethinking one's life tonight.

Cocktail Party!  Chad decided to get some air so he doesn't have to hang out with his weak competitors and conveniently has an extra glass of wine for JoJo when she shows up.  They walk into the mansion together and the other guys are livid.  Alex takes it upon himself to lead an intervention.  The first confrontation is about him walking in with JoJo and how much meat he's eating.  Chad doesn't care and finds it entertaining the way the guys are getting SO worked up about him (I find it entertaining as well).  Chad steals JoJo from a couple of guys, which Alex compares to a horror film, so Alex confronts Chad again and tries to tell him he's creeping JoJo out.  Chad responds with a "fuck you," to which Alex responds "hey, cool, bro, cool."  They say things loudly at each other, and as Chad walks away, Alex shouts "you're a meltdown!" and honestly, that's the best insult you could come up with, bro?

Chad makes fun of the guys confronting him, comparing them to the West Side Story and Care Bears and "we're a group of butthurt dudes who are going to confront you... slightly" and he kind of has a point- their confrontation was a bit weak.  Chad is further convinced that the "competition's real light" and proceeds to gnaw on his meat during the Rose Ceremony.  Alex is still fuming and goes on a rant about the roses: "it's supposed to symbolize that you're a good guy and your here for the right reasons.  It's gonna represent just garbage if he gets that rose."  Oooooh boy, this is going to be a great season.

Chad is the Brad Pitt in Ocean's 11 of the Bachelorette:
always eating.

Guys we lost this week:
Brandon, the hipster
James S., the bachelor superfan who can now go back to being just a fan
Will, who thought it was a good idea to TP the mansion with JoJo tonight.

Inexplicably, Vinny the barber with an awful haircut and creepy male model, Daniel (who made a joke about pulling fire hoses that I think was supposed to imply he has lots of sex but it didn't land) are still around.

"Bring on the men!"

After a recap of JoJo's journey on Ben's season with the whole L word fiasco and some shots of JoJo staring into the ocean, JoJo sits down with former bachelorettes Ali, Des, and Kaitlyn so they can give her advice.  JoJo asks if they have any regrets and Kaitlyn emphatically says yes.  She has a little monologue about living too much in the moment and how she needed to take a step back.  Translation: she regrets sleeping with Nick.

Kaitlyn (still with Shawn), Ali (engaged to someone not Bachelor related; pregnant),
JoJo (our new Bachelorette), and Des (married to Chris and pregnant)

Next up we have a few intro videos:

• Grant is a firefighter from SF who said a lot of generic stuff about wanting to fall in love but ended with hoping that "JoJo is the one that lights my fire."  Get it?  Firefighter- lights my fire?  Oof, lets hope the producers weren't relying on their puns for comic relief.
• Jordan has a famous brother who is famous for succeeding in Jordan's former profession.  Though since Jordan isn't focusing on football, he can make a priority for love!  Even though that's no excuse considering his bro is still focusing on football and has a famous girlfriend.
• Alex is a marine and has a twin brother who is married and he's jealous, so he decided to go on TV to expedite the process of finding a wife.
• James S. is a "Bachelor Superfan" and that's still all we know about him.
• Evan used to be a pastor, but found a new calling: helping men get erections.
• Ali's family came here from Iran and he has a couple of successful older siblings who are hard to live up to, so I guess he decided to go a different route and not even try.  He's a bartender and from his video, a surfer/skateboarder with a cute dog.
• Christian has a boring nerdy job but makes up for it by getting up at 3:30am to work out everyday.  Also, he "grew-up biracial" which leaves one to wonder what he is now as an adult.
• Our last on location intro is Luke, the small-town country dude from Texas.

Let's head to the Bachelor mansion!  The limo entrances were pretty cringe worthy.  Some highlights:

• Robby brings JoJo a bottle of wine for them to take swigs from a la JoJo's mom during hometowns last season.
• Will "accidentally" drops his index cards as he gets out of the limo so he can do a "funny" gimmick where he reads them wrong.  It's terrible.
• Jonathan comes out of the limo in a kilt and tries to make a joke about how he has a big penis (Half Chinese, half Scottish- the Scottish half is below the waist), but it ends up coming out a little racist and crude and also JoJo didn't seem to get it.
• Saint Nick is next and his whole joke is saying "Jo Jo Jo" (instead of ho ho ho) and giving JoJo a gift.  You gotta hand it to him though, he proceeds into the mansion and pulls toys out of his bag to give to the other guys.
• Chase wears sunglasses with a fake mustache and says "I mustache you a question, but I'm going to shave it for later" (he takes off the mustache as he says shave).  Pun game not strong this season.
• Sal has some blue stress balls for JoJo and I guess just wanted to make jokes about his balls.
• Wells, the radio DJ, brought an acapella group, so that's cool I guess.
• Luke was the last to arrive, riding up on a white horse that he gave a unicorn horn in reference to JoJo's limo entrance where she wore a unicorn head.

Unsurprisingly, the other guys though this was dumb, but probably
because they were already bored of making fun of the guy in a kilt.

The night gets started quickly.  After JoJo welcomes the men, Alex immediately steals her away.  The guys are mad and jealous they didn't do it, so they bitch about Alex being "that guy" and "short" and they all sound like jerks.  The first kiss comes awkwardly forced from Will and his cootie catcher.  The second kiss, though, is from Jordan who JoJo is clearly into.  He hasn't even name dropped his brother yet!  Chad thinks he's a more manly and rugged version of Ben which he thinks is perfect for JoJo.  She seems to like him, but every time he speaks to the camera, he comes off as a complete tool.  After Daniel tries to explain his limo entrance ("Damn, JoJo!") which is related to some internet meme called "Damn Daniel," but fails, he gets "white Canadian wasted."  Somehow between poking a guy's belly button and making fun of suits, Daniel loses his clothes and jumps in the pool.  A couple other guys get drunk too, but all they do is interrupt an interview and slur words at JoJo.  Daniel continues to be creepy, Ali plays some piano, and JoJo sits on Santa's lap.  Jordan, fairly obviously to us viewers, gets the first impression rose and everyone's super stressed out in time for the rose ceremony.

I guess JoJo likes sitting on guys

But wait!  Just as JoJo's about to hand out her first rose, a car pulls up and Jake Pavelka (a former Bachelor) whisks her off!  They guys are pissed, but all for naught.  In a weird twist, Jake is actually an old family friend of JoJo's and just wants to wish her luck!  Ok.  Maybe just text next time rather than giving 26 men a heart attack.

Anyways, the men who went home this week were kilt guy and five others I know nothing about.

"From Ben to 26 new men"

We left off last season with heartbroken JoJo going home to Texas while Ben H. and Lauren B. rode off into the sunset of love.  We begin this season in less than a fortnight, where we'll get to meet the 26 men vying for JoJo's heart in person, but for now we are left to judge them based on one picture and answers to some less than inspired questions (i.e. "what's your favorite flower?" and "are you more party starter, wing man, or laid back?")

I get the kilt (probably heritage related blah blah blah)
but a Santa costume?  He'd better have a great pun to go with it.

The guys are aged 25-34 and include 2 Canadians, 8 Californians, 5 Floridians, 2 guys from JoJo's home state of Texas, and then some guys from other random states.  Six of them look to be not white dudes, which sadly seems super diverse for the Bachelor franchise.

Here are some gems from the guys' bios:

• Brandon, a 28 year old from LA, has the profession of "hipster."  So, ugh, already.
• Chad (first off, his name is Chad) answered three questions similar to "who do you admire most in the world and why?" with "myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright" and thinks his greatest achievement in life is being born good looking, which is more your mom's achievement, but ok.
• Derek is a 29 year old commercial banker who (a) hates cucumbers and (b) has a serious fear of fluffy kittens.  So clearly there is something wrong with him (to my readers who may not know this about me, I LOVE cucumbers.  Also, more obviously, fluffy kittens.)
• Daniel is a 31 year old male model who used a lambo (as in Lamborghini, the luxury car) as a metaphor for his body not once, but twice.
• Evan is a clear winner: he's a 33 year old erectile dysfunction expert who's favorite kind of dancing is "booty" and doesn't like girls with chipped nail polish or serious food allergies.
• James S. is 27 years old and apparently his "occupation" is Bachelor Superfan.
• James Taylor is a singer-songwriter named James Taylor.
• Jordan is a former pro QB, and for all my sports/Bachelor cross over fans, is the younger brother of Aaron Rogers currently playing for the Green Bay Packers.  And when asked what the wildest thing he's done in the bedroom, he answered with trying to hang a TV on the wall with out a stud finder.  Hot.
• Nick S. is a software salesman who doesn't like "scary cheeses" and I don't know what that means.
• Robby was the only guy to not answer the favorite flower question with "rose, duh," and instead went for honeysuckle.
• Wells is a 31 year old radio DJ who doesn't like pizza or cats, and what the hell man.

The rest of the dudes seemed pretty ok, or at least had no super weird answers to questions.  But then, the ones who seem normal at first often have a little bit of drama hidden up their sleeves.  So stock up on that wine and I'll see y'all in 10 days for The Bachelorette Premiere!

"I don't want to say goodbye to you"

First off, our favorite host Chris Harrison welcomes us to what might be the wedding of Ben and his lucky lady!  Chris has pulled out all the stops: both girl's families are waiting backstage (notably absent are JoJo's brothers), Ben's parents AND their hometown pastor are in attendance, and Neil Lane is in the front row with some wedding bands in tow.  But first, we have to go back to Jamaica.

We start with some pensive-stare-at-water shots of the three.  Ben has no idea what to do and hopes his parents will just make the decision for him.   Lauren thinks everything feels so right with Ben.  JoJo thinks she's finally in a fairy tale, which makes me wonder what fairy tales she read as a kid.

Ben briefs the 'rents on the two ladies and how he loves them both.  Mom says "it's really disturbing to me," and Bachelor viewers across the country nod in agreement.

Ben's mom is very relatable.

Lauren's up first and it's wholly undramatic.  She's poised and sweet and tells Ben's parents how much she loves him.  She tells Mama Higgens how she can't believe she's gotten to fall in love with someone so perfect and mom just laughs.

JoJo comes bearing a tacky shell/flower arrangement as a gift.  Ben tells his parents about moments he and JoJo has shared and said they flew over Hoover Dam in a helicopter but didn't get to see it because wink wink nudge nudge.  JoJo gets rightfully embaressed and Ben's mom asks "too much cuddle time?"  It was an awkward thing for Ben to bring up, almost as awkward as Nick V. telling his mom that he liked making out with Kaitlyn.

You can see where Ben gets his weird "you're too happy I need to see you cry" thing, as it appears Ben's mom likes JoJo better since they've "already gone through some non-ideal situations" and JoJo mentions how Ben has faults.  Ben's mom seems to think Ben can't take care of himself and implies that she likes JoJo better for Ben since she already knows he's not perfect.

Ben's parents like them both, though, and Ben's frustrated he still doesn't know who to propose to.  Or, as his mom said, "who to plant his stake with,"  and I don't know if that's a saying in Indiana or just really bad sexual innuendo.

Lauren's last chance to win Ben includes a boat ride and a vague question and answer session.  Ben's biggest concern is that it's too perfect, and Ben, that's what most people are going for.

JoJo's final time with Ben includes another waterfall and crying in a bathroom.  JoJo asks Ben if he loves Lauren too and if she knows and Ben says yes to both.  JoJo says she's tired of competing, and, well, you did sign up for a show where you compete for a husband, so...

Ben's distressed, but luckily we have Neil Lane and his gaudy expensive diamonds to help give Ben some clarity.  It seems to work, because now Ben knows who he's buying the ring for.

Somehow the most tears in this episode came from Ben.

Final rose ceremony time and JoJo is first up, which we all know is bad news.  She has a nice speech about how she loves Ben and he's her best friend and all that, to which Ben responds "I...... uh..... "  He then tells her he "found [love] with [her], but found it with someone else more."  JoJo is, of course, blindsided and heartbroken and Ben walks her to a limo (even though she arrived in a helicopter?).

Ben is sad and says stuff like "I don't deserve JoJo," but pulls himself together to call Lauren's dad to ask for permission because the patriarchy is still alive and well.  He gets Daddy Bushnell's blessing, fist pumps the air and then Lauren arrives.  She also gives an I love you speech, and Ben pauses for so long I'm pretty sure it was part of the Bachelor contract to add suspense.  Anyway, Ben proposes with a god-awful diamond ring and Lauren accepts.  They both tell each other they're each other's "person" and then Ben hands out the final rose to a "Yes!  Give me that!"

I guess Ben decided to settle for "too perfect."

Time for After the Final Rose!  Well, more of it anyway.  Throughout the whole episode we got glimpses at the live studio audience watching plus way to many shots of Ben's pastor flipping through the Bible and walking down halls.  JoJo gets to see Ben for the first time since he broke her heart and Lauren and Ben can be seen in public for the first time.  Chatting with JoJo is more calm and less emotional than I think any other season.  JoJo seems to have actually gotten over it- even after having to re-watch the heartbreak.  And no wonder she seems fine, because she's the next Bachelorette!  What's that they always say?  The best way to get over a man is to get under 25 new men?  Something like that.

Lauren comes out, Jimmy Kimmel does a bit ("where do babies come from?" and "what happens in the fantasy suite?") and then Chris tries to get Ben and Lauren to get married on the spot.  They decline (and why wouldn't they?  ABC will probably pay for a much fancier one later), but the families come out and Ben re-proposes to Lauren and everyone cheers.  Love conquers all, you guys!

Join me in May to watch JoJo find a husband on TV!
And hopefully we get to see more of her  judgmental brothers!