A Tale of Two Chads

(cue horror movie soundtrack)

We open this week's episode on the men having a "funeral" for Chad; throwing his protein powder into the wind.  "Death to tyrants," one bro yells, chucking the tub off the deck.  Everyone's happy, until there's a knock on the door.  Chad is back!  Daniel lets him in and asks how the date went.  Chad says some things like "JoJo broke up with me because I'm too intense" and "Alex wouldn't shut up about me."  Jordan, wanting to be reasonable and give the guy a chance, suggests that Chad should apologize to the group for being such a dick.  It doesn't go over well (shockingly), but there's no violence and Chad leaves, twirling anticlimactically out the door.

Alex returns from the date after an evening with JoJo that was presumably too boring to air, and the guys hoist him on their shoulders, set off fireworks, shove his face in a cake, and have somehow found party hats to wear.

It's cocktail party time, and with no common enemy to bond over, the men begin to unravel.  Everyone sees Robby kiss JoJo out by the fountain and are convinced he did it in view on purpose.  Luke and Alex already have roses and took "seconds" of JoJo time, so apparently any "gentleman's code" they were adhering to was thrown out the window.  Basically, they all get super insecure except for Jordan, who pushes JoJo against a wall barely hidden from the other guys, for a little make-out session.  Two guys end up going home: James F., who I only knew existed because there had to be another James for James Taylor to need a last initial, and Daniel, who went out with a strange monologue about how he has no personality and something about the chances of "getting hit by lighting while.... shaving."

Even Vinny realizes how awful his hair cut was and put on a hat.

Moving on, it's time to leave the country!  JoJo's taking the guys to Punte Del Este, Uruguay, a place she had obviously just learned how to pronounce!  Jordan gets the first one-on-one date where they kiss on a yacht and swim with seals and it's nice and drama free, so instead of watching that, we get to watch some manufactured drama.  Vinny, it seems, has set up a "barbershop," complete with trashy tabloid magazines, one of which so happens to have a "tell-all" article with JoJo's ex-boyfriend, who's name is, you guessed it, Chad.  Chad 2.0 claims JoJo ran back to him after getting dumped by Ben and only broke it off with him (again) to chase fame on the Bachelorette.  Uh oh, seems like JoJo's not here for the right reasons!  The guys overanalyze this for hours.

Back on JoJo and Jordan's date, the two of them sit at a table with food they won't eat and wine they will drink to have some serious discussion.  JoJo is worried because apparently she's met an ex of Jordan's who said he was a cheater.  Jordan claims he's not a cheater and that he wasn't a good boyfriend because he was too focused on a career he wasn't good at, and that was what JoJo wanted to hear, so she believed him and gave him a rose.

Pretty sure many guys who were forced to watch this
didn't even notice JoJo's tears during this segment...

Happy about this date, JoJo chats with a producer who shows her the Chad article.  She breaks down and we learn that she is not a pretty sobber. She goes to clear  things up with the guys and begins crying immediately.  The guys clearly can't handle this and tell her it's a "non issue" even though they spent the entire day getting all worked up about it.

Apparently this is what guys do when everyone else is on a group date

For the group date, Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, and Alex go surfing down sand dunes until it starts raining on them.  They have a cocktail party where Derek gets the group date rose and Alex and Chase decide for some reason they need to confront him about how it's a pity rose and he doesn't deserve it.  But hey, a rose is a rose, and Alex, when you call someone an insecure little bitch, it just makes you look like an insecure little bitch.  His Napoleon complex is running on all cylinders.

Why did Robby pick those swim trunks???

Robby gets the other one on one date this week, and it appears to be the walk around a city and eat street food date.  She makes him try on a hat and tells him he looks like Ryan Gosling and I'm wondering if JoJo needs glasses.  They decide to jump off a cliff because it was about time we had a  physical risk as a metaphor for falling in love this season.  That evening, Robby tells a really sad story about how his best friend was texting while driving off a bridge and that changed his life and then concludes with professing his love for JoJo.  Let's just stop here and appreciate how Robby met JoJo barely a month ago and has only seen her in settings that involve a dozen or so other men competing for her attention and this is their VERY FIRST DATE EVER and he's already dropping the L bomb.

And now it's the cocktail party.  Derek decides to call out Jordan, Alex, Chase, and Robby for being mean girls and they all bro-ily scoff at him.  Chris Harrison comes in to cancel the cocktail party because JoJo already knows which of these losers she's sending home.  They are:
Evan, the frequent bloody nosed pastor turned erectile dysfunction expert;
Vinny, the barber with terrible hair who cut the other dude's hair and now I know why they all have terrible hair;
and Grant, the hot fireman who shouldn't be surprised since he's not white, and just look at this show's track record with black people.

They all cry as they leave. The End.