Finale... Finally

Just in case I actually have a readership, I figured I should maybe recap the finale of Nick's season.

Still in Finland, Raven and Vanessa get to meet (well, re-meet in Raven's case) Nick's family.  Unsurprisingly, the family likes both of the women.

Vanessa gets the first last one-on-one date with Nick.  They go horseback riding and then are way to excited about meeting Santa Clause, who gives them a wood carving that vaguely resembles the two of them.  Vanessa says "it's nice to hear Santa Clause believes in a future between Nick and I," as if Santa wouldn't have said that to any couple who he presumably gets paid to act jolly for.

Vanessa and Nick then have a discussion they both leave unhappy with.  Vanessa says she's not comfortable if Nick chooses her just because it's a slightly better relationship than one he has with someone else, and it's a good point, but no matter how much better Nick's relationship with Vanessa might be, he's not allowed to tell her because that's no fun for the audience!

Nick and Raven then have their date.  They go ice skating and then Nick brings out a bunch of husky puppies for Raven to play with and I don't care if he breaks up with her, Raven is the real winner of Finland.  Raven says "I hope my kids with Nick are as cute as these puppies," and I hate to break it to her, but nothing is as cute as those puppies.

Anyway, Raven tells Nick she has no hesitations about their relationship, and Nick babbles at her.  At this point it's obvious who is going to win: Vanessa was crying at the end of her last date and Raven is soooo confident and I see what you're trying to pull, producers, but there's no way you're not going to show Vanessa emotionally winning and confident Raven get heartbroken.

Nick then gets to meet with Neil Lane for, what, the fourth time?  He picks out what I hope is the largest diamond yet.

Then we have the rose ceremony.  Raven's up first, gives a speech, and despite Nick's very drawn out words, Raven (and everyone watching) knows immediately he's breaking up with her.  She leaves and Vanessa shows up.  Vanessa tells Chris Harrison, "I'm nervous," and Chris Harrison says, "you should be," which I'm sure didn't help.

Vanessa goes in and Nick launches into his I love you speech.  He says "I'm glad I don't have to try not to say it," which is actually pretty sweet.  They sleigh ride into the sunset.

The End.

But not really, because we have After the Final Rose where Chris Harrison asks questions that makes it seems like he really wanted Nick to have been runner up once again.  We find out Raven is heading to Bachelor in Paradise and that Vanessa is moving to LA.

The, "it's like the queen has arrive" with Rachel coming out for an "epic surprise" (Chris Harrison's words, not mine).

That surprise is that Rachel gets to meet four of her suitors live on ATFR!  It's awkward and a little cringe-y, especially when a white dude says he's "ready to go black and [he's] never gonna go back."  Oof.  Despite that, I am still excited for Rachel's season!!!

"Falling in love is a big leap of faith, and certainly so is jumping in freezing cold water"

This week, we basically had two episodes air on the same night: the "to be continued" portion of the Fantasy Suites and Women Tell All.

Fantasy Suites Part 2

After a brief recap, we see Nick leaving Raven after their Fantasy Suite date.  Raven tells us she's pretty satisfied and that "Nick is good at what he does."  And if that wasn't enough, we get a lengthy montage of Raven skipping around Finland and playing in the snow to an upbeat 80s-ish pop song.

Can we just take a moment to appreciate the fact that
Rachel is wearing a penguin printed onesie?

Rachel and Nick have a lovely date failing at cross country skiing and feeding reindeer.  Rachel does finally say that she's falling in love with Nick, which earns her a night in the Fantasy Suite!

Vanessa and Nick's date consists of  jumping in icy water and then running into a sauna repeatedly in matching swimsuits for a while before trying to discuss the future where neither of them want to move to the other's country.  They don't really resolve anything, but they do go to the Fantasy Suite.

Rachel goes home at the rose ceremony, and we watch a goodbye that would have been heart wrenching if we didn't already know she was the next Bachelorette.

Women Tell All

First of all, we got to watch a montage of people screaming, I mean, of Nick and Chris Harrison crashing viewing parties in LA.  They even "crashed" a Backstreet Boys viewing "party" where they drank rosé with three of the boys.

But on to the show itself!  As if we didn't get enough of it all season, Women Tell All was the Corinne and Taylor showdown.  It was pretty uncomfortable to watch- Corinne didn't listen to a word anyone said and made up her own version of what happened.  It was quite Trump-like, and I don't really want to revisit it.  Corinne also talked about Raquel, her nanny, and how she calls her a nanny because "cleaning lady" is disrespectful.  Everyone said they wanted "a Raquel" and I wonder if they realize Raquel is an actual person and not something they can own?  Anyway, through all this, girls we forgot even existed showed up to yell about the Taylor-Corinne drama half of them weren't even around for.  We never once heard from Danielle M, who made it to the top 6!  This is thanks to Women Tell All being the last chance to earn a spot on Bachelor in Paradise.

We did get a break from the yelling in the form of Liz, with some girl power speeches about being true to your self.  We even found out there is more to her than having once slept with Nick!  Shocking!  We also heard from Kristina (when Chris Harrison told her she "is the American Dream") and then Rachel, who everyone is just thrilled will be the next Bachelorette.  The yelling came back at the this point, but only because all of the women wanted to tell Rachel how beautiful and awesome she is at the same time.  And of course Nick came out to confront them all.  Nick tells Rachel "I think the guys are really lucky to meet you," to which Rachel replies "they are."

"I'm not gonna get engaged just because I'm the Bachelor"

This week's episode was a tale in three almost unrelated acts:

ACT I:  Andi Comes to Call

ACT II:  A Farewell to Corinne

ACT III:  Quoth the Raven: Never-O

Act 1

As teased to us last week, Andi shows up at Nick's hotel room right before the rose ceremony.  He invites her in and offers her a drink.  "I think this conversation might call for some whiskey," she says.  "I'm really curious as to why Andi's here?" Nick muses to the camera, as if he doesn't know this is something producers try to do almost every season.

If you didn't watch Andi's season, here's the cliff notes: Nick made it to the top two and lost to douchebag jock Josh.  During After the Final Rose, Nick asked Andi why she "made love to him" if she wasn't going to pick him and it was awkward and also caused drama for Andi and Josh (who have long been split us).

Back to New York and Nick and Andi today:  they discuss Nick's experience and how he has four strong women left ("and they stuck around?").  Andi asks if Nick is going to have sex with these final three.  He says he doesn't know (yeah, right), and Andi asks if he regrets asking her about their "making love."  He apologizes, in a long roundabout way, but Andi seems ok with it and they hug, she wishes him luck, and leaves.

Act 2

Time for the first rose ceremony in what feels like months!  Raven, Rachel, and Vanessa get roses.  Corinne cries as Nick walks her out.  She apologizes to Nick, who says she has nothing to apologize for.  Then comes the good part: her limo exit.  She starts her drive bemoaning how her heart will never mend and keeps talking until she's declaring she'll never kiss up to a man ever again.  She also asks the camera "why can't I have a normal relationship?" and, uh, what part of going on a TV show to find love did she think would lead to a normal relationship?  With that over with, she takes a nap.

Act 3

Raven gets the first Fantasy Suite week date.  They are in Finland and go on an awesome looking helicopter ride around Urho Kekkonen National Park.  They then play darts in a Finnish pub and it's all fun and dates like the Bachelor should be.  Then they start talking.  And end up arguing about ironing vs steaming clothes and it's so boring, the fact they are enjoying it means they are probably meant for each other.

Side note: Nick is wearing the chunkiest, most turtlenecky of turtleneck sweaters, while Raven is wearing the least useful of sweaters that doesn't cover her shoulders, let alone neck, as if to make up for Nick.

At dinner, Raven gives Nick an actually quite nice and real (real for this show that is) and long declaration of love.  He offers her the Fantasy Suite card, and she gleefully accepts, but wants to make sure Nick knows two things, which we have been hearing about all episode in between shots of their date:
1. She has only been sexually active with one guy she never even said I love you to (this is the guy who cheated on her and she beat him with a stiletto)
2. She's never had an orgasm

So, no pressure, Nick.  And we won't find out if this night has a satisfying ending until next week's three hour extravaganza.

The episode ends with a Rocky-esque montage of Nick running around in the snow and lifting logs over his head.

"Would that be okay with you" is the new "Can I ask for your daughter's hand in marriage"

We start week eight back in week seven- a pattern that is just not going to end this season.  The girls are chilling in their Bimini suite freaked out because Nick is not playing by the rules re: sending girls home at rose ceremonies.

Nick shows up and painstakingly slowly gives a speech to put them out of their misery.  Turns out he's giving them all roses!  The girls are almost giddy with relief.  But, Nick says, "it's a two way street" so he still has to ask them individually in case, you know, the Stockholm Syndrome hadn't actually set in yet.  He even offers Raven a rose although she already got one during the last group date.

For the first hometown visit this season, we head to Hoxie, AL where Raven drives up to Nick on an ATV to whisk him away into the mud.  But, like literally into the mud.  They take a pit stop at a grain bin, which I guess is what Alabaman's call silos, to climb up, because Raven says thats where you have meaningful conversations.  No meaningful conversations today though, because a cop pulls up and yells at them to come down.  He starts interrogating them about if they have their IDs but then, haha, jokes! It's Raven's brother!  I have to say, her brother was a pretty decent actor considering how forced these situations generally seem.  Anyhow, meeting the bro done with, the two have some more ATV racing to attend to before having a water fight and making out in a marsh.

They clean up and head to Raven's parent's home, while we get a voiceover reminding us how Raven's dad got diagnosed with lung cancer a year an a half ago and how she didn't know if he'd make it to meet a guy she brings home.  They sit down and Raven's dad tells her he's cancer free.  It's a pretty big moment for them to share with Raven and some guy who will probably dump her on TV in a couple of weeks.  Raven and her dad then have an emotional conversation where Raven says she would walk down the aisle alone if he died.  Then Nick asks her dad for his blessing, but in a rambling question about if at the end of this he and Raven don't want to say goodbye, would it be ok by dad if they got engaged?  Raven's dad says he trusts his daughter's judgement, so if she's happy, he is.

I think this is how you get weird bacterial diseases?

On to Dallas, TX to be the first white dude Rachel's brought home!  Rachel takes Nick to her church since it's an important part of her life, but also a predominantly black place.  The pastor (reverend? minister?  I'm not up on religious titles, but the guy giving the sermon is who I am referring to) calls out Rachel and welcomes Nick and it's all very wholesome.  Nick and Rachel then talk about how comfortable they are in church and sort of talk about race and how they'd be an interracial couple.

They then go have dinner with Rachel's family and then they all talk about race.  I'm sure they also talked about other things, but this is all we saw.  Knowing that Rachel is the next Bachelorette, this makes sense, as the Bachelor franchise for the first time is going to actually have to talk about real things.  Rachel's sister brings up a good point about how it's great that Nick has no problems with being an interracial couple, but with the climate these days, one has to deal with society as well.  I also liked the moment when Rachel and Nick sat down with her sister and brother-in-law and Nick told them they make them feel comfortable, to which Rachel's sister says, "why, because you all look like us?"  (Rachel's sister is married to a white guy).  Rachel tells her mom she could see herself falling in love with Nick, and despite being the only one who hasn't expressed love for Nick (to him or produces), still seems to be a front runner even though we know they don't end up together.

First race, and now religion: The Bachelor is getting ahead
of itself in bringing up potentially controversial topics!

And for a complete change of pace, we go down to Miami, FL and get a peek into Corinne's world.  Corinne wants to show Nick a typical day in her life, and shockingly, it is not spent at an office running her multi-million dollar business.  They go to an "exclusive" mall.  The retail personnel all know Corinne and even bring her champagne while shopping.  Nick tries on a bunch of expensive clothes and Corinne buys him over $3000 worth of clothes that look similar to clothes I buy at the Gap.  The last time I spent over $3000 dollars on something, it was my graduate school tuition and I had to take out a loan.  Corinne then tells Nick she loves him in a mall restaurant before heading to the penthouse where her family and nanny live.  Before Nick and Corinne show up, we get to see her parents and sister talk about her.  Her sister says "he's older than Corinne, so, like more mature" and her dad says, "strike one, strike two, strike three" and first off, that's only one, maybe two strikes, but sure.  Anyhow, Corinne gets squeals of glee from her family and they all sit down to dinner.  

Raquel serves them food, pours their wine, and then sit down to join them.   It's pretty uncomfortable to watch considering while she's serving them, they are all talking about her and how she was basically a second mom to Corinne.  Corinne also complained that the other girls made fun of her for having a nanny.  Corinne and her dad talk, and her dad is concerned that Nick won't be able to afford Corinne's expensive taste and that she should be prepared for the worst case scenario.  That being Nick is a stay at home dad and Corinne has to work, presumably at her daddy's business.  Corinne's dad brings this up with Nick as well when he does his prepared speech asking for the ok for marrying his daughter.  But after a while, Corinne's dad says "I think Corinne is the lid to Nick's pot," so I guess he approves.

Nick is wearing a $1400 sweatsuit there.

Time to leave the country to visit Montreal, Canada, where Vanessa lives!  And this hometown could not be more different than the extravagant show in Miami.  Vanessa takes Nick to visit the school she teaches at, where she teaches adult's with special needs.  A bunch of students and teachers are waiting to greet them with signs and roses and tears.  It's an emotional homecoming and you can tell how much Vanessa's students care about her, and how much she cares about them.  She and Nick then make a scrapbook of their journey with her students.

Next, Vanessa tells Nick they are going to her mom's and then her dad's separately, since that's how real life would be.  Dinner with Vanessa's mom includes "15 loud Italians" who all care so much about Vanessa, most of them cry during this evening and do not go easy on Nick.  It becomes clear that Nick and Vanessa have not talked about the future and who would move where, which is kind of important.  Vanessa's mom calls Nick out on his response to why he likes Vanessa, as his first answer was about her looks (which is more or less how he answered that question with the other parents).  Then they go to Vanessa's dad's house where Nick does his "would that be ok [if your daughter and I got engaged]" speech, and his dad says he can't and gets Nick to admit, reluctantly, that he's already asked other dads.  They talk some more, and Nick kind of gets the blessing.  Vanessa then finds out from her dad that Nick asked all the girls' dads for permission (emphasis on dads- we did not see Nick asking Rachel's mom for permission since dad wasn't there), and that doesn't sit well with her, but guess what?  We won't know what Vanessa does with these new feelings until next week.

Between her students and family, it's obvious Vanessa needs to
stay in Montreal, so if Nick wants to continue pursuing
TV and modeling or whatever in LA, he really shouldn't pick her.

We end this week with a teaser of Andi showing up with an ominous knock and a "Hello Nick."  Of course, this will amount to nothing more than her giving him advice and good luck.  So, to be continued then.

"Let's dive into bed"

We begin this week with another cliffhanger that is hardly suspenseful considering all of the preview footage we've already seen.  I feel like the editors are really dropping the ball this season with spoilers in every preview of the next episode/rest of season.  For example, Rachel is clearly a frontrunner and perhaps the only person to give Vanessa a run for her money in winning this thing, yet we now know she's the new Bachelorette, so clearly Nick doesn't pick her.

Anyway, Nick comes in to reassure the girls that he thinks one of the six left will probably be his wife and that we're going to Bimini!  The girls cheer and yell "Bimini" more times than the number of viewers who have even heard of Bimini.

Vanessa gets the first one on one date, much to Corinne's chagrin as she's the only one who hasn't gotten a one on one yet, which in her defense, is odd this late in the season.  Vanessa and Nick head off on a yacht, and Vanessa says "I've never been on a boat before" even though we just saw her on one last week.  They go snorkeling by a ship wreck and make-out underwater.  In the evening, they have dinner and Vanessa tells Nick she's falling in love with him.  Nick decides to give her a speech about how he's said I love you on this show before and that he doesn't want to say I love you to more than one person and it really is not the best response to someone declaring their love.

For the group date, Corinne, Raven, and Kristina get to join Nick to swim with sharks.  Corinne really wants the date to go well so she can take Nick home to meet her "nanny slash maid" who is also her "best friend in the entire world," but Nick seems to be paying more attention to Kristina and even helps her rub sunscreen on her inner thigh.  Corinne pouts and complains that she's "literally trying to win over [her] fiancé," which is literally not the case.  Raven is pretty confident that Corinne and Kristina will get eaten by sharks, while she'd just punch them in the face.  Her confidence was not unfounded as she ends up getting the group date rose and the chance to make-out while watching some band Nick had to namedrop.

Real nice camera shot that really sums up this show:
Nick kisses a woman while other women are sad nearby.

Onto Danielle M's one on one date, where they bike around Bimini, play sports with local kids, and Danielle M admits to be "like one hundred and fifty bajillion percent" falling in love with Nick.  They chat about going home to Wisconsin and Nick tells Danielle M that she's "fun to have fun with" and that her "face is pretty great."  Which is apparently not what Nick is looking for in a wife, because he sends her home.  She cries and leaves and the other girls are sad for her.

Corinne wants to make sure Nick doesn't pull that with her and goes to visit Nick.  She says the following statements:
"I'd live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick" (as opposed to all those shacks with diamonds?)
"I am not a runner up" (but you want to marry one, apparently)
"I'm going to blow that room up"
"I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm"
"I know how to make a man feel good and I do way better than anyone else because my heart is gold but my vagine is platinum" (we finally see the context to this quote considering it's been in every season/episode preview montage since night one)
"You must have two hands on at all times.  Never jiggle, lightly massage"  (this she says to Nick behind closed doors)

So if you hadn't picked up on it, Corinne has decided to have sex with Nick.  But since having sex before the fantasy suites (or during, really), hasn't really worked out for him in the past, he turns Corinne down, and she leaves, pretty upset.

During all of the above, all we get to see is shots of this empty
champagne bottle with breathy audio because while Nick and
Corinne were allowed some "alone" time, they were still clearly mic'd 

Next, Rachel gets the last date of the episode, where she and Nick wander around Bimini.  They chat about Nick meeting her parents and she says she's never brought home a white boy before and they reenforce the fact that Nick needs to call her dad "sir."  Considering we know things aren't going to work out (yay #RachelforBachelorette), I'd wager a good amount Rachel's family visit doesn't go very smoothly.

After the date, Rachel goes back to the hotel beaming and makes Corinne even more worried about her place in Nick's heart.  Nick talks to Chris Harrison about knowing already who has to go home.  He shows up at the ladies' hotel, and they all know what's about to happen, but not with whom.  Nick pulls Kristina aside and says all the typical Bachelor things about not wanting to send her home but he feels it in his heart or whatever.  She is obviously quite upset, and the other girls are also pretty upset.  And of course the episode ends here, with a dramatic "coming up" montage of more crying by everyone involved.

"Bubbly Little Dumbo"

Yet again, we begin this episode with the end of last episode.  The girls are confronting Nick about Corinne, and a couple of them even confront Corinne.  Sarah tells Corinne she's acting privileged, to which Corinne, who lives with her parents and inherited a "multi-million dollar business," says that she's "not privileged in any way, shape or form."  But because she makes such good tv, Nick is required to keep Corinne on, and gives her the very last rose, just so she knows her time is almost up. Girls who go home are Brittany, because we still haven't learned who she is, and Christen, because she's a virgin, probably.

After the rose ceremony, Corinne says, "I feel like we're all privileged" and then gives a rambling toast while everyone else looks uncomfortable.

And now time for a new day!  Chris Harrison tells they girls they are about to travel the globe with Nick!  First stop: the exotic Milwaukee, WI!!  Which is really only exciting because they get to see Nick's hometown.  First stop for Nick, is meeting with his parents in a Coffee shop.  Nick's mom cries the whole time and Nick's dad says "we don't want to see you on this show again."

They just want this madness to end, Nick!

Nick shows up at a park where all the girls are watching ducks to whisk Danielle L. off on a one on one  date.  The date consists of a tour of all of Nick's old make-out haunts.  They make cookies with Nick's face on them ("Nickerdoodles") and then just happen to run into one of Nick's ex-girlfriends who just happens to be mic-ed up and ready to have an incredibly awkward sit down with Nick and his date.

That evening, they go hang out in a bar, and Nick says he wants to really get to know Danielle L.  He wants to know things like when she last went grocery shopping in sweatpants- you know, the important things you need to know when picking a wife.  Danielle L. does share that her parents got divorced when she was 17 and it was really hard on her.  It made her afraid of marrying the wrong guy and says she doesn't want to rush into marriage.  So she came on a show that might as well be named "Who Wants to Rush into Marriage?"  Then we see why Danielle L. was picked for this date: they go to a country concert and she already has practice with slow dancing and kissing in front of a large crowd.

Time for a group date!  Everyone except Danielle L. and Raven meet up with Nick at a farm.  They're going to do farm chores!  The girls are given boots and gloves and feed cows hay, milk cows (Jaimi unsurprisingly shows Nick up on this chore), and shovel manure.  None of them are thrilled to be getting dirty ("it smells like cows and nature.  Cows and nature smell like poop"), but they all throw themselves into the tasks with enthusiasm.  All except, and now here's a shocker, Corinne.  Corinne is not having it.  In her own words:  "I don't want to do chores, let alone farm chores.  what the fuck is a farm chore?  I don't even make my nanny do farm chores.  Raquel is better than farm chores.  She works for me."  She claims she lost circulation in her hands and sulks around outside. She just wants to eat a taco!  Or sushi!  I think in these scenes, the word poop has been said more times than in every other Bachelor/Bachelorette episode put together.

They do this every season:
no girl who comes on this show is good with dirt!

That evening, Corinne is still complaining about the poop, except she's now drank enough to not be able to keep her "adult" facade on and calls it poopy.  Nick has some conversations with the girls, but we mostly get to see the girls talk about Corinne.  Corinne is starting to think maybe the other girls don't love her.  She gives a speech to the camera: "I'm a corn husk.  You have to peel the layers off and then in the middle is this luxury yellow corn with all these little pellets of information and it's juicy, buttery.  You want to get to that corn.  Nick needs that corn."  Her metaphor is all over the place.  Also, she should take a lesson from Ashely S. from Chris Soule's season about layers- you're supposed to use an onion metaphor, not corn.

Corinne decides to confront all the girls and tells them they should come to her if they have a problem.  They go, sure, here's some questions you "purple bouncy pink house."  Corinne is not happy they did what she said and aired their grievances directly to her.  Sarah asks, "Do you think you're genuinely ready to marry a 36 year old man?"  Which is actually a great question, considering at least five of the remaining ladies aren't technically in Nick's dating pool.  They bring up her napping, which she defends by saying both Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln napped, so THERE.  A few other girls talk to her individually and Corinne straight up won't listen.  "Look, the name of the game is trust no one," Corinne says, and I think she's forgotten what show she's on because the name of the game is actually "rush into marriage."  Anyway, she goes to Nick and tells him she talked to the girls and solved all the problems.  Nick says cool, and Corinne still finds something to throw a fit about: "It was more like an adult convo.  We didn't kiss, which is weird."  I am beginning to believe the fan theory that Corinne is just a kid trapped in a 24 year old's body.

Let's move on to the second one on one date!  It's with Raven, and Nick takes her to his younger sister's soccer game.  Raven also gets to meet Nick's parents.  Nick's dad asks about Raven's name, and we learn that her mom wanted the name Raven, but her dad was like, no way, that's a weird name.  But when she was born with black hair, he said fine, she looks like a raven, name her after a bird.  After the soccer game, Raven and Nick join Bella and her team for some roller skating.  Bella and Raven chat while Nick keeps skating by making faces.  Bella likes Raven and says she really wants a sister-in-law.  Is that because you grew up with brothers and having a sister around would be nice?  Oh wait, you have five sisters, you just want Nick to stop making you go on tv for ratings.

Bella has been involved in this franchise for a quarter of her life.

That evening, Nick and Raven have dinner and skate around an empty art museum.  Raven says it's great both of them have non-divorced parents, as if that gives them a special connection.  They then talk about how Raven's last relationship ended when she kicked down the door to find her boyfriend in bed with another woman.  And just in case it wasn't clear what they were doing, Raven informs us she "know[s] what her vagina looks like."  Raven proceeds to beat up the cheating boyfriend with a stiletto so, uh, now she's here.

The cocktail party this week was just a set up for next week's two-on-one date with Taylor and Corinne.  Taylor tells Corinne she doesn't have emotional intelligence,  and Corinne says (I'm paraphrasing), "fuck you bitch, I run a MULTI MILLION DOLLAR COMPANY"

To be continued...