"My heart is in my ass now"

And we're off!  Nick's journey has began, and I am here and liquored up for the ride.

We begin with a recap of Nick getting shot down by two Bachelorettes and then straight into the shirtless shots to show he's "matured" since the start of his "journey" with this franchise.  Nick then gets teased/given advice by three former Bachelors: Ben Higgins (engaged to his pick Lauren Bushnell, with a boring reality show), Sean Lowe (married with a kid to his Bachelor pick Catherine), and Chris Soules (rich Prince Farming who didn't last very long with his pick, Whitney, and other than his good looks, it's unclear why he's here giving advice).  They all have beards and maybe half of them can pull them off.

Next up: introductory videos for a few of our bachelorettes (we also got some introductory videos in the "Countdown to Nick" pre-show, which I will include here):

• Corinne:  What to say about Corinne.  She has a nanny (for herself).  She makes her nanny fetch her bowls of cucumbers.  She runs a MULTI MILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS and she's not going to let us forget it.  She has a platinum vagine and is going to win Nick over with her sex abilities.  Her world is so glamorous she has to use third person.  She is not going anywhere if the producers have anything to say about it.
• Jasmine G. is a pro dancer currently with the Golden State Warriors (shout out to the Bay!)  she also gets to lose that G because *Spoiler Alert* the other Jasmine doesn't make it past night one.
• Kristina was a Russian orphan, and that story will probably keep her around one more week than she was going to originally last.
• Raven, unfortunately not of That's so Raven fame, is a country girl from Alabama where the only things to do are "go mudding, shoot guns, and read the bible."  Sounds like a blast.
• Rachel is an attorney from Texas (the new Andi, perhaps?), smart, and close to Nick in age (or as close as they get in this show), and I have nothing to work with to make fun of her.
• Hailey is apparently friends with Daniel from JoJo's season (aka the crazy Canadian who was maybe friends wth Chad when he wasn't comparing him to Hitler) because she's also Canadian.
• Christen is a virgin for faith reasons.  Her intro was a bunch of clips failing to mount a horse.  She is super excited to get married because then she can have sex because "God loves sex.  He created it" and guys, I can't make this shit up.
• Liz slept with Nick after Jade and Tanner's wedding (she was Jade's maid of honor) and then refused to give Nick her number.  This is literally all we will ever know about her, even if she lasts half the season.
• Danielle L. owns a bunch of nail salons or something.
• Vanessa is trilingual and teaches special education and is way to smart to be doing this.
• Josephine is from Santa Cruz!  I live in Santa Cruz!  Hey cool! Oh wait... Josephine is weird, has a cute cat, and is weird.
• Alexis is "like, obsessed with dolphins" and Nick "needs to love dolphins."
• Danielle M. works with babies and has kind of a baby voice.
• All I remember from Taylor's intro is that she's biracial and cool with it.

And now, what we've all been waiting for: the Limo Entrances!

Here are some highlights:

• Taylor seemed to think the best way to meet a guy you want to date is tell him all your friends think he's a piece of shit.
• Sarah decided to remind Nick of his runner-up status by literally running up the driveway.
• Jasmine G. brings out Neil Lane with some diamond rings so Nick would know right off the bat what her ring size is.
• Hailey tried to tell a joke: "what does a girl wearing underwear say?" the punchline?  "I don't know."
• Two girls talk to Nick in languages he can't understand: Astrid (German) and Vanessa (French).
• Josephine has an elaborate pun about Nick being a winner: "you're a weiner in my book" (she literally has a hot dog in a book).  She then asks if he wants to "lady and the tramp it" and they both take a bite out of an uncooked hot dog and it's gross.
• Lacey rides in on a camel and makes some humping jokes and the girls freak out because she's wearing a red dress and they're all wearing red dresses!  But, like, also she rode in on a live camel or something?
• Lastly, we have Alexis who shows up in stilettos and a shark suit but introduces herself as a dolphin and a great dolphin vs shark debate starts.  And by debate, I mean everyone one goes, she knows she's a shark? right? and Alexis keeps making dolphin noises.

Time for the cocktail party.  All the girls talk about how good looking and mature Nick has become since they first saw him on TV like eight years ago and also how they shouldn't have all worn red.  Corinne just goes for the villain label by stealing Nick away for a second conversation and then kisses him.  She is then shocked when she doesn't get the first impression rose.  Nick gives that to Rachel, someone he actually wanted to kiss.  Anyway, this portion is mostly girls freaking out about not getting time with Nick, calling Corinne a ho, and talking about the dolphin/shark girl.

Then 21 other girls get roses and further chances to embarrass themselves on TV.

Bachelorettes who will probably count their blessings for getting to go home night one after watching the rest of the season are:

• Angela because I literally don't know who that was, but she's on my list, so she was probably there
• Briana because she brought a stethoscope to listen to Nick's heart, which was more corny than any other introdcution I guess?
• Ida Marie because Nick probably doesn't understand that name
• Jasmine B. because we might as well only have one Jasmine
• Lauren because she said her and Nick's names together meant "disgusting slut" and I don't know why that pick up line fell flat
• Michelle because she made a joke about lemons
• Olivia because she's from Alaska and I guess it's too cold there for Nick
• Susannah because she offered him a massage but it was for his beard and that's just weird

So there you have it!  After the premiere, Nick went on Jimmy Kimmel and hung out with Kaitlyn and Andi, who both broke his heart on national television, because apparently that night wasn't awkward enough already.

"From Ben to 26 new men"

We left off last season with heartbroken JoJo going home to Texas while Ben H. and Lauren B. rode off into the sunset of love.  We begin this season in less than a fortnight, where we'll get to meet the 26 men vying for JoJo's heart in person, but for now we are left to judge them based on one picture and answers to some less than inspired questions (i.e. "what's your favorite flower?" and "are you more party starter, wing man, or laid back?")

I get the kilt (probably heritage related blah blah blah)
but a Santa costume?  He'd better have a great pun to go with it.

The guys are aged 25-34 and include 2 Canadians, 8 Californians, 5 Floridians, 2 guys from JoJo's home state of Texas, and then some guys from other random states.  Six of them look to be not white dudes, which sadly seems super diverse for the Bachelor franchise.

Here are some gems from the guys' bios:

• Brandon, a 28 year old from LA, has the profession of "hipster."  So, ugh, already.
• Chad (first off, his name is Chad) answered three questions similar to "who do you admire most in the world and why?" with "myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright" and thinks his greatest achievement in life is being born good looking, which is more your mom's achievement, but ok.
• Derek is a 29 year old commercial banker who (a) hates cucumbers and (b) has a serious fear of fluffy kittens.  So clearly there is something wrong with him (to my readers who may not know this about me, I LOVE cucumbers.  Also, more obviously, fluffy kittens.)
• Daniel is a 31 year old male model who used a lambo (as in Lamborghini, the luxury car) as a metaphor for his body not once, but twice.
• Evan is a clear winner: he's a 33 year old erectile dysfunction expert who's favorite kind of dancing is "booty" and doesn't like girls with chipped nail polish or serious food allergies.
• James S. is 27 years old and apparently his "occupation" is Bachelor Superfan.
• James Taylor is a singer-songwriter named James Taylor.
• Jordan is a former pro QB, and for all my sports/Bachelor cross over fans, is the younger brother of Aaron Rogers currently playing for the Green Bay Packers.  And when asked what the wildest thing he's done in the bedroom, he answered with trying to hang a TV on the wall with out a stud finder.  Hot.
• Nick S. is a software salesman who doesn't like "scary cheeses" and I don't know what that means.
• Robby was the only guy to not answer the favorite flower question with "rose, duh," and instead went for honeysuckle.
• Wells is a 31 year old radio DJ who doesn't like pizza or cats, and what the hell man.

The rest of the dudes seemed pretty ok, or at least had no super weird answers to questions.  But then, the ones who seem normal at first often have a little bit of drama hidden up their sleeves.  So stock up on that wine and I'll see y'all in 10 days for The Bachelorette Premiere!

"I don't want to say goodbye to you"

First off, our favorite host Chris Harrison welcomes us to what might be the wedding of Ben and his lucky lady!  Chris has pulled out all the stops: both girl's families are waiting backstage (notably absent are JoJo's brothers), Ben's parents AND their hometown pastor are in attendance, and Neil Lane is in the front row with some wedding bands in tow.  But first, we have to go back to Jamaica.

We start with some pensive-stare-at-water shots of the three.  Ben has no idea what to do and hopes his parents will just make the decision for him.   Lauren thinks everything feels so right with Ben.  JoJo thinks she's finally in a fairy tale, which makes me wonder what fairy tales she read as a kid.

Ben briefs the 'rents on the two ladies and how he loves them both.  Mom says "it's really disturbing to me," and Bachelor viewers across the country nod in agreement.

Ben's mom is very relatable.

Lauren's up first and it's wholly undramatic.  She's poised and sweet and tells Ben's parents how much she loves him.  She tells Mama Higgens how she can't believe she's gotten to fall in love with someone so perfect and mom just laughs.

JoJo comes bearing a tacky shell/flower arrangement as a gift.  Ben tells his parents about moments he and JoJo has shared and said they flew over Hoover Dam in a helicopter but didn't get to see it because wink wink nudge nudge.  JoJo gets rightfully embaressed and Ben's mom asks "too much cuddle time?"  It was an awkward thing for Ben to bring up, almost as awkward as Nick V. telling his mom that he liked making out with Kaitlyn.

You can see where Ben gets his weird "you're too happy I need to see you cry" thing, as it appears Ben's mom likes JoJo better since they've "already gone through some non-ideal situations" and JoJo mentions how Ben has faults.  Ben's mom seems to think Ben can't take care of himself and implies that she likes JoJo better for Ben since she already knows he's not perfect.

Ben's parents like them both, though, and Ben's frustrated he still doesn't know who to propose to.  Or, as his mom said, "who to plant his stake with,"  and I don't know if that's a saying in Indiana or just really bad sexual innuendo.

Lauren's last chance to win Ben includes a boat ride and a vague question and answer session.  Ben's biggest concern is that it's too perfect, and Ben, that's what most people are going for.

JoJo's final time with Ben includes another waterfall and crying in a bathroom.  JoJo asks Ben if he loves Lauren too and if she knows and Ben says yes to both.  JoJo says she's tired of competing, and, well, you did sign up for a show where you compete for a husband, so...

Ben's distressed, but luckily we have Neil Lane and his gaudy expensive diamonds to help give Ben some clarity.  It seems to work, because now Ben knows who he's buying the ring for.

Somehow the most tears in this episode came from Ben.

Final rose ceremony time and JoJo is first up, which we all know is bad news.  She has a nice speech about how she loves Ben and he's her best friend and all that, to which Ben responds "I...... uh..... "  He then tells her he "found [love] with [her], but found it with someone else more."  JoJo is, of course, blindsided and heartbroken and Ben walks her to a limo (even though she arrived in a helicopter?).

Ben is sad and says stuff like "I don't deserve JoJo," but pulls himself together to call Lauren's dad to ask for permission because the patriarchy is still alive and well.  He gets Daddy Bushnell's blessing, fist pumps the air and then Lauren arrives.  She also gives an I love you speech, and Ben pauses for so long I'm pretty sure it was part of the Bachelor contract to add suspense.  Anyway, Ben proposes with a god-awful diamond ring and Lauren accepts.  They both tell each other they're each other's "person" and then Ben hands out the final rose to a "Yes!  Give me that!"

I guess Ben decided to settle for "too perfect."

Time for After the Final Rose!  Well, more of it anyway.  Throughout the whole episode we got glimpses at the live studio audience watching plus way to many shots of Ben's pastor flipping through the Bible and walking down halls.  JoJo gets to see Ben for the first time since he broke her heart and Lauren and Ben can be seen in public for the first time.  Chatting with JoJo is more calm and less emotional than I think any other season.  JoJo seems to have actually gotten over it- even after having to re-watch the heartbreak.  And no wonder she seems fine, because she's the next Bachelorette!  What's that they always say?  The best way to get over a man is to get under 25 new men?  Something like that.

Lauren comes out, Jimmy Kimmel does a bit ("where do babies come from?" and "what happens in the fantasy suite?") and then Chris tries to get Ben and Lauren to get married on the spot.  They decline (and why wouldn't they?  ABC will probably pay for a much fancier one later), but the families come out and Ben re-proposes to Lauren and everyone cheers.  Love conquers all, you guys!

Join me in May to watch JoJo find a husband on TV!
And hopefully we get to see more of her  judgmental brothers!

"You're on the Mount Rushmore"

Ah, Women Tell All.  The episode where the 28 ladies who thought a reality show was a great place to find a husband get one last chance to embarrass themselves on national TV audition for Bachelor in Paradise redeem themselves.

First though, we get to see the highlight reel of Ben and Chris Harrison crashing Bachelor viewing parties.  And by "highlight reel," I mean we get to hear a lot of women screaming, and one woman basically saying she'd leave her husband for Ben.

Because Tiara's only role on this show was to have a weird "occupation"

After a recap of this season's drama, the girls waste no time in complaining about Olivia.  Tiara's chicken (remember the chicken enthusiast?  Yeah, she brought her chicken, Shelia, to the show), interrupts by flying onto Lace.  Chris takes this chance to change the discussion to Leah and she tries to defend herself but doesn't do a good job convincing people she "didn't intend to lie."  Shelia interrupts again with a squawk, because, as Tiara said, "Shelia doesn't like liars."  Chris takes this moment to now switch to the Jubilee drama.  Amber and Jami accuse her of saying offensive things and try to talk about race and Jubilee apologizes that she sometimes says offensive things.  Shushanna apparently can speak (and in English, no less) and has a lot to say.

Chris Harrison breaks this up and brings Jubilee up to the hot seat to talk about her time with Ben.  They have a heart to heart and Chris says, "I know you can't control how complicated you are," as if complicated is bad, and oh wait, complicated is bad if your self worth depends on if some guy likes you, which is pretty much the premise of this show.  We learn that Jubilee is doing well and made sergeant and everyone cheers her service to our country.

Who is this guy?  This is almost too ridiculous to be fake.

Lace's turn on the hot seat, and she admits that she didn't know how to handle herself and that she's changed and tries not to use the word "crazy" so much.  Her interview ends with one of the three men in the audience popping up to say "You're not crazy... but you are crazy beautiful," and to prove that point, takes off his shirt to reveal a tattoo of Lace's face.  Chris then invites Lace to Bachelor in Paradise and she accepts.

It's the everyone hates Olivia show!  Starring: The Twins!

And of course Olivia gets a turn in the hot seat and the rest of the women are ready to go at her.  The twins lead the charge.  Olivia says she mostly kept to herself and said it was a difficult journey and hard to watch.  The twins say, no, you berated Amanda and called me a slut and were a bully.  Amanda pipes up to confront Olivia about all the mean things she said about how Ben should run away from moms and says "Being a mom is my jam" (cheers all around).  Olivia tries to defend herself before launching into a monologue about how she was bullied as a child and now she's being harassed online and she's sorry for saying and doing things on the show that hurt other girls.  Bullying and online harassment is no joke, but maybe if Olivia hadn't began with her "I'm smart and confident" speech and trying to defend her actions, her apology would have held more weight.  Also, being bullied as a kid doesn't make it okay to bully other people as an adult (Olivia is not the only person at fault here- the other girls making fun of her breath/cankles is not nice, either).   Even though I don't like Olivia, I realize it's more or less like disliking a fictional character, and I'm not going to go harass the real Olivia that character is based on.  Like with Kelsey from Chris Soules' season though, I feel like if an entire group of women unanimously dislikes you, it may be a good time for some self reflection on how you interact with people.  Still, regardless of whether Olivia actually is a mean girl or not, she should not be cyber-bullied (last year's Men Tell All with Kaitlyn went into more depth on this topic).

Next, Chris brings up Caila and they have a boring conversations about feelings and how Caila just wants to find real love.

Almost makes me miss Juan Pablo, his segment on WTA was a lot more dramatic;
but I guess this is what we get for having the most perfect bachelor in the planet of history.

Moving on, it's time to bring Ben out to face a bunch of women he dumped on national television!  It's not as dramatic as it would sound.  The girls mostly tell Ben they hope he's happy and Ben gives very diplomatic and uncontroversial answers to all the girls' questions.  Ben reveals he's in love (which we already know because he told both his final two that he loves them) and engaged (which anyone who spends time on the internet/standing in line at a grocery store that sells tabloids already knows).  Chris asks him one last tough question:  which twin in which.  He nails it, and I'm actually impressed by that.

Everyone's favorite time of the night: Bloopers!  This seasons reel is mostly the ladies and Ben spilling their drinks plus Becca forgetting what season she's on and calling Ben Chris.

And of course we get a preview of the MOST DRAMATIC BACHELOR FINALE EVER.  Next week come back for tears from everyone and a disapproving mom!

To Jamaica and Love

"I think we should take advantage of this."

After standing and starting pensively at various bodies of water, Ben collects Caila for their date.  They head down a river on a raft and it is awkwardly silent the whole time.  Caila's apparently just realized Ben is dating two other girls pretty seriously and Ben doesn't know what's wrong.  Cut to the evening portion, Ben confronts her about being uncomfortable and we see that Caila has spent the afternoon rehearsing her "I love you" speech.  Ben is thrilled, because he didn't want to miss out of spending the night with Sex Panther.

"My day is really filled with cuteness."

Lauren's up next, and Ben takes her to a beach where they get to help release baby hawksbill sea turtles and all the girls should be mad, because Lauren B. gets all the best dates.  Everything about this date is super cute and it ends with them kissing in the ocean under double rainbows.  I mean, come on.

That evening they go to some small Jamaican concert so we can listen to a song about love while we hear Lauren's voice-over about how she's afraid to tell Ben she loves him.  Ben is worried that he doesn't know where Lauren stands, even after she just told him she could see a future with him and that she thinks he's amazing and that he's "legitimately" the man of her dreams.  Anyway, they forgo their individual rooms and Lauren ends up telling him she loves him.  And then, Ben says he's known for a while that he's in love with her.  HOLD UP.  He is so not allowed to say that.  But he keeps saying it!  The next morning, Lauren says how nice it is to have mornings with him, and Ben responds, "I do love you."  He broke the seal on the L word and he just can't hold it in.  So this means he's going to send Caila and JoJo home immediately, right?

"It doesn't scare me to tell you that."

Wrong.  Ben takes JoJo in a helicopter to jump into some cool looking waterfalls.  JoJo wastes no time in telling Ben she loves him, and what do you know, Ben loves her too!  JoJo's response is all of us: "What?  Are you allowed to say that?"  Ben soothes her worries with a kiss, but damn, Ben, are you ever digging yourself a hole.

During dinner, Ben confronts JoJo about her brothers, and she convinces Ben they'll get along and that they were just being protective and were uncomfortable with the situation.  That settled, they head inside to their hot tub and champagne and sex.

"I thought I'd be getting engaged in a week and a half."

Ben gets a day to collect his thoughts and is kind of realizing the L word was not a great thing to have said to two girls, but that's a problem for next week.  This week he just has to break up with Caila.  Caila, meanwhile, wants to surprise Ben because she misses him, but she does not get the reaction she hoped for.  It pretty quickly becomes clear that Ben is going to break up with her.  She takes it well, all things considered.  He walks her to the car, but before it can drive away, she yells wait! and hops out to ask Ben if he knew on their date (ie did you just want to sleep with me), and of course he claims he didn't know until he was able to reciprocate the "I love yous" to the other girls.

The "this is completely new information to me and I definitely
did not just hear a different girl say the same thing" look

And because apparently more than one rule can't be broken each episode, we still have a rose ceremony.  Each girl comes in alone and tells Chris that Ben reciprocated their I love yous (as if he didn't already know).  They stand around and make awkward small chat about why Caila isn't there and how there are only two roses until Ben comes out and still hands out the roses, dramatic pauses and everything.  They have an awkward group hug and both girls give toasts while the other glares.

Next week, we get a break from Ben's "I love you" disaster for Women Tell All!  The return of the twins, Olivia's mouth, and presumably a heartbroken Caila.

"I don't think I can picture a better place to die."

Hometowns!  The week where the four remaining girls make their familys (who did not sign up for this) be on tv and meet their boyfriend who has three other girlfriends.

I really have nothing snarky to say about Amanda here.

Amanda's up first, where she gets to see her kids for the first time since this "journey" began, and they all play on the beach with Ben.  Other than Kinsley and Charlie's totally inappropriate beach footwear, it's actually pretty adorable and Ben is super sweet with them all.  They then drive to Amanda's house with Charlie crying in the back seat.  Ben looks a little deer-in-headlights as he goes in to meet the family.  They all have concerns about Ben being ready to be an instadad, but all the conversations go pretty smoothly.

WHISKEY

From the OC, we go up to Portland (the City of Roses, we learn) to meet up with Lauren B.  They eat greasy food at food trucks and then go to a whiskey library where they had a conversation or something but all I could focus on was the fact that they weren't drinking any whiskey.  And then when they finally showed them with glasses, they got up to leave and left mostly full glasses behind.  I mean, come on guys!  All the fancy whiskey in the world that ABC was paying for, and you had two sips?  Anyway, Let's move on and meet Lauren B.'s family.

Lauren B.'s, or "LoLo's," sister Molly is the star of this hometown visit.  She tells Ben she "doesn't want to grill him or be the mean sister" then lists all the reasons Lauren is amazing and asks Ben, "but why do you like her?"  Ben tears up at this and Molly is sold.  A man is crying!  It must be true love!  Lauren gushes about Ben to her dad who responds, "nobody's perfect," and tries to bring a little realism into her life.  Nice try, dad, but LoLo went on tv to fall in love, and realism has no place on reality shows.

Nothing says love like coloring.

From Oregon, we head to Ohio, where Caila's parents live.  Caila's dad owns a toy factory, so Ben and Caila build a house together.  A plastic, toy house, but still.  And because that wasn't totally over-the-top, Ben carries Caila out of the factory at the end of the day while factory workers clap.

Next we meet Caila's mom, dad, and brother for some delicious looking Filipino food.  Caila's dad has a speech about how if you marry Caila, you marry into a Filipino culture as well, because that's what he did too, and segues into "marriage is important and a vow blah blah blah."  Caila has a chat with her dad and whispers "Daddy, I know this is it," and he responded, but all I got from the rest of their exchange is that her dad was wearing orange pants.

In which JoJo's mom becomes my spirit animal.

Last, but not least, we head to Dallas where JoJo arrives home to a dozen red roses.  She obviously thinks their from Ben and excitedly opens the letter which reveals they're actually from her ex, Chad.  JoJo, you should have realized they weren't from Ben- he can't just dole out roses uninhibitedly!  There are still some rules!  Also, "Chad?" Really? We're supposed to pretend he's real?  Anyway, she calls Chad to say WTF and Ben shows up to an emotionally distraught JoJo.  He's pretty uncomfortable at first, but is soothed when he hears JoJo called Chad to say it was over.

No fun Texas hometown activity, they go straight to JoJo's family mansion and into Ben's personal hell.  JoJo's parents are pretty ok with Ben and welcoming.  JoJo's mom encourages JoJo with "You're not going to get hurt.  You're beautiful!" as if that's how it works.  JoJo's brothers, on the other hand, are waaaaaay too attached to JoJo and make their best effort to lose the show for JoJo.  Ben (JoJo's brother Ben) tells Ben (the Bachelor Ben) that he's brainwashing the girls and needs to back off.  To be fair, Brother Ben was also on a reality show to "find love," and maybe he was a manipulative douchebag on the show and believes all men who are in that situation probably act the same way.  JoJo mysteriously gone, her whole family hangs with Ben in the kitchen while her brothers continue to berate him.  Mom takes a swig straight from the champagne bottle and Dad tries to defuse the situation.   All in all, not a great homecoming.

Rose ceremony time.  Lauren B., Caila, and JoJo get roses, and Ben has to explain to Amanda why he made her leave her kids again just to get heartbroken.  Ben is actually pretty broken up about this, and cries in the courtyard for a depressing end to this episode.

You and me both, Ben,

So thank goodness for the credits!  We get to see Lauren B.'s little brothers try to grill Ben by asking about the fantasy suite.  Ben takes a few gulps of wine and tries to say something about sex by trying to not say anything about sex.  It's sufficiently awkward.

Lost this week:
Amanda, who despite her questionable fashion choice for this episode, really does seem like a good mom.

"I'm still #TeamBen"

Week 7 brings us to Ben's hometown of Warsaw, IN.  It is decidedly more happening than Arlington, IA, where Chris took the girls last year.  Ben starts off by meeting his parents in a diner and telling them about his last six ladies.  They look pretty unconvinced about the whole process.

The final six.

The girls are totally naturally walking in a classic autumn scene and oh look!  Piles of leaves!  Let's have a leaf fight!  This was totally not staged.  Also totally not staged was their surprise when Ben picked them up on a boat while they were conveniently standing on a dock.  Ben takes them to their home for the week and then asks Lauren B. to join him on a date after making joke about his parents having sex.

Lauren B. gets a tour of Ben's old haunts: his high school, his church, the movie theater (now hotel) where he had his first kiss.  And lucky us, we get to hear that story.  "I want to kiss you but I don't know how," Ben said at age 13 to land his first kiss, and again at age 26 to land one with Lauren B. Next they go to the Baker Youth Club where Ben used to work.  Ben is really good with kids and Lauren B. ate it all up.  They jump rope, play ball, girls giggle, and Ronnie the Half Court King sinks a shot, forcing Ben to kiss Lauren B. in front of 100 kids.  Then, surprise! Ben invites the Indiana Pacers to hang with the kids.  Ben consoles a crying kid and it's adorable.

Here kids, watch these people you just met kiss.

Ben and Lauren B.'s evening portion consists of resolving the non-existent issues that Leah brought up last week.  Then they go to Ben's favorite dive bar and take shots with a group of people who may or may not be Ben's friends.

JoJo gets the next one-on-one and the other girls pout.  Because they've clearly exhausted anything interesting in Indiana, Ben and JoJo go to Wrigley Field in Chicago and wear Mr. and Mrs. Higgens jerseys, roll around in the grass, and "eat" dinner on a tiny table in the field.  JoJo shares her fears with Ben, Ben says some articulate and comforting things and suddenly JoJo isn't scared anymore.

I would actually love this date.  Except at the Giant's ballpark,
and the jersey would have my name.

The last group date of the season has Becca, Amanda, and Caila playing in boats and with kites.  They all talk to Ben: Amanda wants to squeeze her kids, Caila thinks she's moss, and Becca is concerned about Ben being at the same place in their relationship as she is.  Ben gives Amanda a rose and whisks her off.  Becca and Caila look like they could kill someone.

They shouldn't feel too bad, because Ben takes Amanda to McDonald's in the worst product-placement date ever.  Ben exclaims he's always wanted to go behind the counter, so Ben and Amanda work the drive-thru before feeding each other greasy fries. At least Ben takes Amanda to a Carnival afterwards which looked like actual fun.

Attempting to romanticize minimum wage.

Last but not least, Emily gets a one-on-one.  Ben takes her home to meet his parents.  She babbles uncontrollably to Mother Higgens who looks slightly horrified at the prospect of her son marrying a wannabe NFL cheerleader.  She informs Father Higgens that she likes movies and hates vegetables.  They are all quite nice to her and Ben's parents are very diplomatic in talking about her.

Ben takes Emily back across the lake and breaks up with her while the other girls peer out the window and watch.  They console crying Emily who then gives a surprising sane exit interview after that word vomit of a date with Ben's parents.

Is Lauren B. trying to console her or put her out of her misery?

Dramatic music brings us into the rose ceremony and Ben doesn't know what to do.  Good ol' Chris Harrison, psychologist, to the rescue.  He asks Ben who maybe doesn't seem like good wife material and Ben makes up his mind.  Ben does exactly what Becca asked him not to do the day before: blindside her by not giving her a rose.

Chris Harrison, earning his paycheck.

Girls sent home, but not to hometowns:
Emily, who loves ducks because she never sees them in Vegas,
and Becca, who will have to forgo sex a little longer.

"I want to talk smart things."

We start this episode pre-Mexico City rose ceremony when Ben pulls Olivia away to chat.
"Why do all the girls hate you?" he asks.
"I'm too smart and don't like painting my nails" Olivia responds.
Ben is skeptical, but he doesn't rescind the group date rose, and instead, Jennifer, a brunette, goes home.

Ben tells the remaining ladies they're headed to the Bahamas!  Upon arriving and squealing about their new hotel rooms, Chris Harrison makes an appearance with the first date card (a one-on-one for Caila) and to inform them there will also be a dreaded two-on-one this week.

Caila's one-on-one basically became a background montage to the beginning of the end of Leah.  Remember Leah?  Me neither because she was the "who's that?" of every rose ceremony so far.  But not today.  Today Leah is sad because she's the only one who hasn't gotten real alone time with Ben and now Caila gets a SECOND one-on-one.  Leah cries and and we see Ben and Caila kiss some fish and jump off a yacht holding hands.

Leah's sobfest over for now, we get to see Ben and Caila's evening chat.  Ben's concerned because Caila smiles too much and basically asks her to cry for him.  Caila has a confusing monologue about how she feels like she loves him but feels confused and feels afraid of hurting him and feels understood and feels like she understands him and the audiences feels like she's speaking a different language because no one knows what happened.  Ben says he's confused but also thinks "it's almost attractive that Caila can be confused" so she gets the rose.

"This is like a bar in Dallas.  There's pigs everywhere" -JoJo

On to the group date!  Ben takes them on a boat and they do shots and drink and then surprise!  There are pigs in the ocean!  Ben pulls out a bucket of hot dogs because feeding pigs meat while swimming in their filth seems like a stellar date idea (I know, I know, pigs are really clean, but I'm pretty sure they don't pointedly get out of the water and away from the beach to poop).  Ben thinks every one is having a blast while the girls do a lot of screaming and running.  The pigs seem to have eaten all the hot dogs and get bored with the ladies, so Ben starts making his rounds to chat with the girls, but everyone's acting super awkward because they are all dating the same guy and all see his obvious connection with Lauren B.  Leah confronts Ben about not picking her for the one-on-one after complaining to all the other girls about it first.  Ben, in nice Ben fashion, seems to soothe her fears.  For now.

Back at the mansion, Emily calls her twin to bitch about Olivia, again, while Olivia bitches about how young Emily is (they are the same age).

In the evening portion of the group date, Ben tries to smooth over the awkwardness of the day, and Leah tries to throw Lauren B. under the bus.  Ben asks Lauren B. why someone would say she acts differently with the girls and Lauren B. gets really upset as well as us viewers because she's seemed so sweet all along.  The other girls ask what's wrong when it's apparent Lauren B. is upset, and Leah straight up lies about bringing Lauren B. up with Ben.  Amanda gets the group date rose for no other reason than we all forgot she was there.

Later, after the date, Leah sneaks off to see Ben.  "I'm not here to sabotage someone," Leah says before trying to sabotage Lauren B. by telling  Ben that Lauren B. is malicious and catty.  Ben doesn't take the bait and sends Leah packing.  And that's the end of probably the shortest lived villain in Bachelor history.

Deep intellects have no place on this show, Olivia.
And by "deep intellects," I mean "love languages." 

And now t's time for what we've all been waiting for: Olivia and Emily's two-on-one!  "Two women, one rose.  One stays, one goes." is what Chris Harrison's imaginative card reads.  Ben picks them up on, wait for it, a boat!  They go to an island where Olivia tells Ben deep intellectual stuff is her jam and that she's in love with him.  Emily babbles about how excited she is for their journey to start and everyone thinks she's going home even though everyone also wants Olivia gone SO BAD.

Ben then takes the rose and asks Olivia to walk with him.  Ben gives a speech about how he can't reciprocate the "I love you" feelings Olivia expressed and walks back to Emily with the rose.  They boat off, and Olivia is deserted on an island in what looks to be the start of a hurricane.  Everyone everywhere cheers and it's almost more satisfying than Farmer Chris leaving Kardashley and Kelsey in the Badlands last year.  Almost.

Time for the cocktail party.  Wait, Ben cancels the cocktail party and heads straight for the rose ceremony!  Gasp!  Drama!  Except not really, because in every season ever, once things get serious, the Bachelor/Bachelorette always cancels at least one cocktail party.  Anyway, everyone gets a rose except Lauren H., who is beautiful and wonderful and a teacher, and girl, you are going to do fine back in the real world.

Girls we said goodbye to in the last couple of weeks (since the to be continued threw everything off):
Jubilee, aka #JubileeforBachelorette! Let's get diverse with the leads already and also, Jubilee is literally a hero;
Jennifer, who it's unclear if Ben and her had even met yet,
Leah, who tried to get rid of Lauren B and it backfired enormously,
Olivia, who really only had herself to blame because she was living in "Olivia world" where Ben and her were already married;
and Lauren H., so now no one needs a last initial anymore.

In which no one has salt with their tequila shots

(At least they had limes.)

This week, Ben and his 11 girlfriends headed to Mexico City.
*cue dramatic Mexican-ish music*

Olivia starts off strong, talking about how Ben validates her, and how they have a "love language" and how she should get the one-on-one date.  She doesn't get one though.  Amanda, the single mom, gets the first date in Mexico, leading Olivia on a mom-bashing rant about how she knows what Ben wants, and it's not moms.

If you didn't think waking the girls up isn't the creepiest
gimmick on The Bachelor, just look at Ben's face.

On to the date!  To start the date, Ben decides to wake all of the girls up at 4:30 am.  All the girls freak out about how they look in the morning and how unfair it is that Amanda looks flawless right out of bed.  Olivia is afraid Ben will smell her "dragon breath" and Lauren H. is shy about her retainer (to which Ben says, "I sleep with a retainer too, don't worry").  Ben of course thinks "they all looked beautiful today, without hair, without make-up," since we all know girls don't have hair when they sleep.  After unnecessarily waking everyone up from their beauty sleep, Ben takes Amanda on a hot air balloon ride to a picnic.   Ben is suddenly an expert on the various pyramids they fly over and for once the girl doesn't squeal about being afraid of heights.  Later, at dinner, Amanda opens up about her jerk of an ex-husband, earning her a rose.

The group date sends Ben and the girls to Spanish Class.  The teacher has Ben tell them individually, but in front of the rest of the girls, that he loves them and wants to kiss them in Spanish.  This makes Jubilee really uncomfortable and when it's her turn, she tells Ben he already said that to other girls.  Olivia takes a different approach because even though she just watched Ben profess his love and devotion to eight other women, when he said it to her, there was "electriciTAY."

Next, they head to a market/restaurant and pair off to buy ingredients and cook fancy Mexican food.  Because, as we all know, "if you know how to cook, you're ready to get married."  Olivia, yet again, swoops in on Ben and forces him to be her partner and also to eat crickets.

Emily is everyone's internal monologue this episode in regard to Olivia

Tensions are still high going into the evening portion.  Jubilee is not handling this date-a-guy-who-has-ten-other-girlfriends thing well.  Jubilee tells Ben how difficult things are and how it's hard being overshadowed.  Ben is hurt because Jubilee wouldn't hold his hand.  Long story shot, Ben sends Jubilee home.  He goes back and, to everyone's chagrin, Olivia gets the group date rose.  Olivia graciously lets them know they don't have to congratulate her.

Group date number two takes Ben and Lauren H. to a poncho shop where they get to talk to the designer who just happens to want to invite them to a fashion show that happens to be this evening as his guests!  And surprise!  Not only do they get to go behind the scenes, Ben and Lauren H. get to be models!  Lauren H. is pretty intimidated, and I don't blame her.  Ben gives her a pep talk, they crush it, and then take tequila shots out of plastic cups.  Dinner time conversation reveals that Amanda's not the only one with a cheating ex.  Ben just loves these stories and gives Lauren H. a rose.  Then they get a private concert!  Sort of.  It's a harpist on the street, but they are his only spectators and make-out while he performs, so same difference.

The cocktail party brings DRAMA and we're set up for the most DRAMATIC episode EVER next week!  The girls are asking Amanda about her daughters and if her shitty ex gets to see them and Olivia thinks it's a good time to share her bad taste in TV by stating "I feel like it's an episode of teen mom."  The girls all take offense at this and Emily decides she has to do something and tells Ben how mean Olivia is and cries.  She then calls her twin and cries to her about how Olivia's the worst, which she kind of is.  Surprisingly, unlike in every season before, Ben doesn't get rid of the snitch (yet), but says "if someone's causing Emily pain, she's not the woman for me."  Ben is concerned, and the rest of the girls corroborate Emily's "Olivia's a bitch" story.

It's rose ceremony time, but first, Ben wants to talk to Olivia.  The girls looked surprised but hope he breaks the rules and takes away her rose.  Then we get our first, and hopefully our last, "To Be Continued..." of the season.

The Mouth is back

I don't even know.

What even are you, Olivia?

"We're in it to twin it"

It's time for the girls to leave LA and start the exciting travel part of the show, which begins in... Las Vegas.  "It's a place where people do get married," Ben says, and you can't argue with that.  "It's a place where people fall in love," Ben continues, and that seems incorrect.

JoJo gets the first Vegas one-on-one date, and it's pretty cliche and boring.  Champagne, check. Helicopter, check.  "Opening up" about "feelings" and "past relationships," check.  Fireworks, check.  Kissing while watching fireworks, check.  The only interesting part of the date was when no one had remembered that helicopters create wind, and their table of champagne violently fell over.

The girls initially laugh watching the helicopter arrive and terrify Ben and JoJo, but then they make out cowering behind their fallen table and everyone feels awkward.  We get a hint of the crazy Olivia to come, as we hear how confident she is about Ben and how nothing can shake that, until she freaks out when she sees "her husband" kissing JoJo.

The group date in Vegas is in true Bachelor fashion: make the girls compete in something embarrassing in front of a lot of people.  They get to perform a talent show as an opening act for some ventriloquist named Terry Fator.  Jennifer says she "[doesn't] think many people have talents here," and she's mostly correct.  The twins preform a choreographed Irish jig and Jubilee's not bad on cello, but the rest of the "talents" were cute and tame like juggling, hula hooping, or singing a song about Ben while wearing a chicken suit.  And then we had Olivia.  We got to watch like 10 minutes of her confidently bouncing around saying how she's not afraid to be embarrassed and how she's going to marry Ben, only to do an embarrassing and awkward stripper/showgirl inspired act, complete with jumping out of a cake.  She's mortified (as is everyone else) and has a self diagnosed panic attack where she hides in the Boyz II Men green room and complains that with that "dance" she might not be marriage material.  Personally, I think the whole cankle fiasco from last week was what makes you not marriage material, but sure, let's worry about an embarrassing dance in Vegas.

Literally everyone during Olivia's performance.

Anyway, the evening portion is upon us and Caila is the first to jump on Ben- literally.  He calls her a "tigress" and a "sex panther" and remember this is a girl who broke up with her boyfriend to maybe get the chance to date a guy she saw on TV.  Olivia steals Ben to apologize for being so embarrassing, snap a lot, and say she needs to drink heavily, which I hope is what Ben was doing to get through the evening of awkwardly trying to comfort Olivia when he'd rather have that sex panther back.

Lauren B. gets the group date rose.

End Scene.

Now it's time for Becca's one-on-one!  She is given a wedding dress and driven to a chapel in a pink Cadillac.  Jubilee notes "she's the perfect person to wear white."  Because she's a virgin (and thanks to Kaitlyn from his time on the Bachelorette, we know Ben is not- which they actually discuss on their date).

They don't actually put that wedding dress to use, but instead officiates some Vegas weddings (Ben conveniently got ordained online), and then drink at the Neon Museum and talk about Becca's virginity.  They tell each other cutesy vows about being honest and fun, they kiss, and Becca gets a rose.

Normally we would get  a rose ceremony at this point, but instead there's a surprise two-on-one date!  Or should I say, a twin-on-one date!  Ben takes Haley and Emily (who we still can't tell apart) to their mom's house with all their dachshunds and then leaves Haley there.

The rose ceremony is unremarkable, except Olivia steals Ben twice to act super insecure and weird.  Ben seems uncomfortable and kisses her to make her go away and then Olivia talks in the third person about how she's back in the game.  Ben still gave her a rose- albeit the last one, to which Olivia said he saved the best for last and everyone else said NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Girls we lost this week:

Haley, who did weirdly still have framed photos of her ex in her room;

Amber, for whom third time was not a charm and maybe should just try Tinder or something;

and Rachel, who now has no boyfriend AND no job.

No more weird twin moments this season =(

"The drama is over." -a very mistaken Ben

To set the stage for this week's dramatic episode, we see a couple of girls complaining about Olivia.  "I think that she's, like, not a nice girl."  Ooooh, harsh, Amanda.  A few dozen "likes" later, we move on to Ben's one-on-one date with Lauren B.

"Dang, you're cute." -Ben

good try with that kiss through the headsets, guys.

Ben takes Lauren B. on a aerial tour of LA, and Lauren B., the flight attendant, is nervous about getting into an airplane.  And what better destination for their little plane, than an empty field with a hot tub?  And surprise, surprise, they end up making out in said hot tub.  Later, during the dinner portion of the date, Lauren B. shares that she like yards like her dad, and Ben shares a touching story about his dad's heart problems.  They kiss and Lauren B. gets the rose.  And not to be outdone by Caila's date, we have private concert number two: some country band no one's ever heard of.

Speaking of Caila, she's back at the mansion crying to JoJo because she's just now realizing that this is a different kind of dating situation.

"I have zero ball handling skills." -Lauren H.

Shockingly, they're not very good at this game.

Anyway, we get a group date where the girls get to literally compete for time with Ben.  Alex Morgan and Kelly O'Hara of US Women's National Soccer Team are here to teach the girls some soccer!  It's stars vs stripes with each team getting a twin.  They play some bad soccer and the stripes win it in sudden death and so get to wine and dine with Ben.  To no one's surprise, Olivia whisks Ben off immediately and the other girls sit around and make fun of Olivia's toes.  Olivia does not get the group date rose this time, however, because Amber made a move and got a kiss.

"I'm obsessed with hot dogs." -Jubilee

Jubilee is not convinced she wants that in her mouth.

Jubilee gets the second one-on-one date this week, and she and Ben also take to the skies, but this time in a helicopter.  They go to a super fancy mansion, eat fancy foods (Jubilee spits out caviar and neither of them know what a fig is), and spend some time in the hot tub.  At dinner, they talk about some deep and emotional stuff regarding Jubilee's past, and Ben tells her she's a strong woman and pauses in a way I thought could segue to "so why are you on such a degrading show," but no, Ben offers up a rose.

"It's insane to me.  It's literally insane." -Lauren H

What I was doing watching this whole episode.

It's cocktail party time and the girls are riled up because apparently they've lost all ability to detect sarcasm.  Jubilee is awkward and makes jokes when she's uncomfortable and everyone's taking it the wrong way.  But more on that in a minute.  Ben arrives with some sad news: two of his family friends were killed in a plane crash.  So, who else but good ol' Ben-stealing Olivia whisks him off to comfort him, because she, too, has a devastating tale.  Through tears she tells Ben that she has...cankles. I have no idea what planet you come from, Olivia, but your insecurities about the looks of your lower legs is not the best topic of conversation for someone who's suffered a loss.  Oof.

Moving on, Jubilee comforts Ben with a massage and that is the last straw.  The girls try to stage an intervention and Jubilee ends up in the bathroom, crying.  The intervention totally backfires for the girls, as Ben swoops in and takes Jubilee's side.  Just when Ben thinks there will be no more drama for the night, Lace asks to chat.  The rest of the girls look shocked, but rather than an incoherent drunk speech, Lace informs Ben that this isn't a good fit for her and that she needs to heed the words of her tattoo and learn to love herself.  Meanwhile, Olivia babbles about how Ben is 100% her future husband because when he hugged her, "he just squeezed [her] waist a little bit," and isn't that just the definition of a hug?

Girls we said goodbye to this week:
Lace, magically redeeming herself as a person by going home on her own to work on herself;
Jami, who, at 23, has figured she might as well give up and start buying cats;
And Shushanna, who all we know about her still is that she's fluent in Russian.

To conclude:

Elan Gale is a producer of the Bachelor, by the way.

"The most perfect bachelor on the planet of history"

Let's get dating!

Group date number one takes us to Bachelor High, which sounds like a trashy YA series featuring Ben, the attractive high school quarterback with a dark secret...

Anyways, the girls (Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace) team up to compete in vaguely high school inspired competitions to win the honor of being homecoming queen.  We also learn that Ben's best moments in life were his "first kiss and high school athletics."

First up: Science "class" where the girls make Ben's volcano explode.  But they don't actually learn any science because all the flasks are labeled with things like "trust" and "communication."  Jubilee and Lace are out because they couldn't find communication and also Lace hated school and wasn't very good at it and Jubilee called her Lacey the whole time because is Lace even a name?

Principal Harrison, here, to help you learn stuff good

Then we have "Lunch" aka bobbing for apples.  We learn that "Jackie's not great with her mouth, unfortunately."

Three teams are left for geography where all they have to do is place Indiana on a blank map of the United States.  They all pick the right shape, but Becca and JoJo somehow placed it on its side and therefore lose this challenge.

I mean, come on.

Lastly, we have gym, where the two remaining teams have to make a free throw.  Mandi and Amber win and have a hurdle race to see who gets to ride around the track in a car with Ben.  Mandi somehow leaves Amber in the dust and we see everyone frown as she gets a tiara.

Then there's the evening portion, and thank goodness, because there was weirdly no drama in the high school portion of the date.  Becca steals Ben first and shows off her hoop skills while Ben blames his shirt for missing easy shots.

Jennifer gets the first kiss after a very short conversation.  Jubilee gets the second kiss after revealing she was an orphan in Haiti.  JoJo gets the third kiss on a heli pad.  And this whole time Lace is freaking out and making all the girls dislike her while insisting she's not crazy.  "Fuck these bitches," Lace says while stealing Ben for a second conversation and reinforcing everyone's dislike.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, we are introduced to Olivia's mouth, and dear god, please keep that thing shut, girl!

this is horrifying

 just terrifying.

JoJo gets the group date rose and now we're onto the first one-on-one date, which is a shameless plug for Ride Along 2, some new Ice Cube and Kevin Hart movie.  And I guess it's also some time for Ben to get to know Caila.  When asked the most romantic thing they've ever done for a women, Ice Cube says, "I married one" and Kevin Hart says, "I cooked fried chicken one time in a crock pot,"  so you know they're going to take Ben and Caila on a good date.

Ben, Caila, Kevin Hart, and Ice Cube take a ride and Ben starts out with the hard-hitting question to Caila: "What's your favorite color?"  Kevin Hart and Ice Cube proceed to buy liquor and condoms for Ben and then take him and Caila to the first hot tubbing of the season... in a sketchy hot tub store.  And if that wasn't weird enough, Kevin Hart skinny dips in the hot tub with them until Ice Cube very scriptedly convinces him to leave the love birds alone.

Kaitlyn's Irish "funeral" is still the weirdest date ever, though.

Back at the mansion, Amanda misses her kids and skypes them on a phone with a blurred out logo because without the apple, no one can tell that's an iPhone.

Caila's date ends with our first private concert: Amos Lee.  She exclaims that there's "no way a snowball's chance in you-know-where that Ben is unlovable."  Either Caila's really that clean-mouthed, or she didn't get the memo like Lace did that they'll just bleep out your curses.  Though I'm pretty sure you can say "hell" on TV.

Group date number two takes Shushanna, Amanda, Samantha, Olivia, and the twins to a totally legit science laboratory to see if Ben has literal chemistry with any of them.  Clearly the twin trope was getting boring, because the twins decided to further the dumb blonde stereotype in this episode with gems like "don't put the blonde on this date" and "I'm not very smart."  And as if Olivia and her mouth needed the ego boost, she "won" the love tests, while poor Samantha was told she smelled sour and scored the lowest.

Olivia and Amanda get kisses in the evening portion.  Amanda tells Ben about her two daughters and Ben apparently thinks Amanda "makes so much more sense now."  Much to everyone's chagrin, Olivia gets the group date rose and gloats about not knowing what a rose ceremony is as if she doesn't still have to stand around for hours with the other girls watching exactly what a rose ceremony is.

At the cocktail party, Ben makes rose barrettes for Amanda's kids, Ben gives Lauren B. a picture of them from night one, Olivia ruffles some feathers by stealing Ben when she already had a rose, and Lace reprises her role as "girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party."  Because no lesson was learned from night one, Lace drinks to much and tells Ben yet again that she's not crazy and then launches into a speech about how she was an ugly kid and "tell[s Ben] one of the pictures" where she looked dorky.  Ben looks like a trapped animal when Lauren B. mercifully saves him and Lace storms off to whine about how she hasn't had anytime with Ben right after having time with Ben.

Then the rose ceremony.  The girls who went home were:
LB, who was offered a rose but *gasp* did not accept and left on her own
Samantha, who just didn't have a good enough odor for Ben
Jackie, who, well, wasn't great with her mouth
Mandi, which just goes to show that being Homecoming Queen is only great when you're actually in high school.

Fingers crossed we get tears next week!

Make it stop!