Becca and Alls She Want

Fantasy Suite week: the week where all the contestants talk about the importance of having quality alone time, while everyone watching knows they just want to have sex.  Anyway, They are in Thailand and Blake gets the first date.

Becca and Blake go on a hike to a sacred temple, so they can't touch and kiss for most of the date.  At the temple, some monks give them advice about marriage (honesty, compromise, patience, and giving).  They they ring a bell that shares their love and then sprint back to the threshold where they can make out again.  In the evening, Blake tells Becca his fears about her falling for the other men.  She talks about how she felt last year, but doesn't deny feelings for the other men here.  It soothes Blake, so he tells her again how much he loves her and they kiss some more.  She hands him the Fantasy Suite Card, to which he replies, "Uh, Yeah!"  The next time we see them, it's morning and they are cuddling, still in bed.  Blake is anxious that this is the last time he'll be able to wake up next to her.  He feels so strongly, "like no way she has this with any other guy."  It's gonna be hard for him to watch this show...

The next day, Becca and Jason wander around a Thai market.  They weirdly dance in the middle of a street performance, eat crickets, and look at pretty architecture.  Becca has a weird freak out after saying something about the future and tells us she "feels weird" eight dozen times.  Basically she knows he's not the one, but judging by how he's the best kisser, she was probably looking forward to the fantasy suite, but she'd feel guilty about sleeping with him and immediately dumping him.  She has dinner with him anyway just in case, you know, she falls in love with a third guy last minute (she's already admitted to falling in love with Blake and Garrett).  Jason babbles about how great it was to tell his family that he loves her, only for her to tell him she sees a future more with two other dudes.  Jason is crushed, obviously, and Becca goes to cry in the fantasy suite.  She sobs, "like, I literally just did to him what Arie did to me."  Like, you literally did not: Arie proposed to you and planned for the future with you.  You never even slept with Jason; he's going to be ok.

Garrett's date is by far the coolest: they bamboo raft down a river where there is what looks like a bamboo raft party going on plus a bunch of elephants!  They do not seem appropriately excited by the elephants.  Garrett rambles incoherently and tells Becca this journey has made him better at communicating.  They kiss, and Becca hopes to hear "I love you" before the night is up.  She gets her wish.  Garrett hopes Becca is the last girl he "has to say" that too.  How romantic.  They head to the Fantasy Suite which is a tent in a tree house.  The next morning it's raining and they drink mimosas and it looks lovely.

Becca stares pensively out the window in preparation for her rose ceremony when there's a knock on the door.  Jason is back to get some closure and give her a scrapbook of their journey, since what the heck is he going to do with that now?  Becca tells us "the world needs more Jasons" and then takes a boat to the other guys.  Blake and Garrett show up one by one and you can just see the nerves leave their faces when Becca shows up sans Jason.  She still hands out roses, with looong pauses before each name even though there is approximately zero suspense here.

Next week it's on to the Maldives and meeting Becca's family!

"He has huge f***ing balls or he's f***ing crazy"

Kendall is up first for the Fantasy Suite dates.  They go dune buggying and surfing on large sand dunes in Peru.  It looks like fun.  Kendall, though, is worried about not being able to get to the point in their relationship to accept a proposal.  During the evening portion of the date, she does tell Arie she's falling in love with him, and Arie, at this point sounding like a broken record, tells yet another girl he's falling for her.  Arie pulls out the Fantasy Suite card, and they go have some uninterrupted, camera-free time.  We can infer that they had sex, since Kendall's response to Arie in the morning when he asks how she feels after last night is "you're dirty," to which Arie responds, "emotionally, not physically."  They make-out a bit and repeat to each other that they're falling in love before Arie has to go on his next date.

Lauren B. is up next.  They fly around and look at Nazca lines.  It's the Paris date all over again- she has walls up and says it's been hard and she's thought about leaving.  Arie is concerned.  That evening though, they break through a wall, and Arie tells her he loves her and she says she loves him back.  The rest of the evening and the morning after their Fantasy Suite is mostly them making out and saying I love yous.

Becca gets the last date, and they ride around on a catamaran and then go out on the dunes at night.  She says I love you and Arie pulls a Ben H and tells a second girl he loves them.  Their Fantasy Suite is a tent on the dunes, and have a morning picnic in the sand filled with more I love yous.

Now for the real drama: some guy shows up to win back his girl!  This guy is named Ross and goes to Arie first.  He has a monologue about how he heard Becca was on the show and that the show ends in a proposal and he started reaching out to everyone he could and then flew a red-eye to Peru when he found them.  He also mentioned multiple times that he would have swam there if he had to.  Arie asks him some questions, so we find out that Ross and Becca dated for 7 years and broke up a year ago.  Arie is angry, and Ross runs off to find Becca.  Becca is not thrilled to see him.  He gives a little speech about wanting her back and she tells him they aren't living in The Notebook.  It is clear Becca is not going to run off with him, so, to his credit, Ross says "I wish you guys the best; I had not business being here."  Becca goes to check in with Arie to make sure this doesn't ruin her chances with him.

And now time for what I can only imagine is the most awkward of rose ceremonies: all of them know the other two women there probably just slept with Arie too.  Arie pulls Kendall aside to break up with her.  Kendall cries in the leaving car, while Arie gives Lauren and Becca roses and an awkward toast.

Next week we're promised lots of this:

(sorry for the terrible quality- I just took a picture of my computer screen...)

"I cried my eyelashes out"

As usual, the finale is live, and by live, I mean Chris Harrison watches it with us and provides commentary.  As unusual, Rachel is also there to live-watch with us, and she is not too thrilled.  Before we go back to Spain, however, Chris Harrison has some Bachelor Nation news to share with us: Juan Pablo is married!  Chris Harrison informs us that Juan Pablo asked him to inform the viewers, just in case we had forgotten that Juan Pablo is Chris Harrison's least favorite Bachelor.

Anyway, back in Spain, we are still only halfway through Fantasy Suite Week.  Rachel and Peter are at a stand-off: Peter doesn't want to propose and that's literally all Rachel wants.  She offers him the Fantasy Suite card anyway, to you know, "talk" more about this issue.  They "talk," and we get to see them cook eggs and bacon together.  It's cute.

Bryan gets the final fantasy suite date.  They ride horses through vineyards.  They chat and Bryan says the vibe feels off.  It's because Rachel is struggling with Peter's lack of wanting to propose, but she doesn't tell Bryan this.  She instead gives him the Fantasy Suite card, which Bryan barely can read through his eagerness to say yes.  He declares his love for the hundredth time, and then next time we see them, they are eating breakfast in bed after a subtle intro shot of a bee pollinating a flower outside the building.

Now for the Rose Ceremony.  Rachel gives the three remaining suitors a speech about how much she wants a proposal while looking directly at Peter.  She still gives Peter a rose though, after giving one to Bryan.  She says goodbye to Eric, who thanks her for the experience and is clearly bummed, but handles the break up very maturely.  Rachel goes back and toasts to "hard decisions".  We return to the live part of the show, where they bring out Eric to see Rachel for the first time since the scene we just saw.  He looks great and asks how Rachel is and reiterates that it was great to learn how to fall in love and I wouldn't be surprised if that was his audition to be the next Bachelor.

Again, back to Spain, it's time for Bryan's last chance date with Rachel.  They take a hot air balloon and we here lots of voice overs of Bryan idol worshiping Rachel.  He leaves no doubt in her mind where he stands.  In the evening, he gives her "Bryan and Rachel's Spanish Dictionary" which is an actual Spanish dictionary he taped a cover on and inserted a page with "important" words like husband, wife, and forever.

For Peter's last chance date, they go to an old church and get "advice" from a monk.  It's kind of a somber date as they yet again talk about how Peter isn't ready to propose but doesn't want to lose Rachel.  That evening they argue some more until Peter finally says he could compromise to not lose her which  makes Rachel more upset since she wants him to propose because he wants to.  It's really a no win situation since neither really want to compromise.  Peter gets mad and says fine, chose a mediocre life and a proposal over something great and no proposal.  Rachel says she was in a relationship before that seemed to be heading to marriage but it never got there so she just wants a proposal as proof of commitment.  To be fair to Peter, she's comparing him to a guy who took 5 years to get to almost proposing while Peter had barely 3 months.  They are both crying and say goodbye with an "I love you, Rachel" and an "I love you too."  It wasn't really clear what happened until we are back in the live show and bring out Peter.  That was a break-up, I guess.  Peter is still pretty hurt, and Rachel looks uncomfortable.  Peter tries to get closure and Rachel dismisses his feelings and gives a speech basically saying Peter shouldn't be the next Bachelor.

So now we know who wins, but the producers through in a few interviews where Rachel questions if she's rushing into this with Bryan, but no one believes for a minute she might turn down his proposal.  We get the obligatory Neil Lane visit to "sell" Bryan a ring before the final rose ceremony.  Bryan tells Rachel a "chemistry bomb had just exploded" during their first kiss and went on about how she's perfect and he loves her blah blah blah.  Rachel, presumably by Bachelor contract, has a statement prepared that starts out suspenseful before declaring her love.  Bryan proposes; Rachel responds "YES, give it to me;" they kiss and squeal and are engaged.

Back to the live show, Bryan comes out, re-proposes so Rachel can put the ring back on.  Bryan says his mom is thrilled, they say they don't know where they'll live yet, and Chris Harrison offers them another trip to Spain.  We end with a ridiculous teaser for Bachelor in Paradise which looks to be a shit show complete with love triangles, twins, trash-talking, and lots of tears.

The End.

P.S.  If you want to know how I feel about this season, I leave you with this:

"fake boobs, fake asses, and fake cheeks"

Changing it up this year, Rachel gets a Hometown Date!  Which means her family get to meet three men instead of two.  Rachel springs this on the guys who still think Fantasy Suite Dates are next.  Rachel lets them know her sister is very pregnant and can't travel and not-so-subtly hints they should think about asking her parents for their blessing to marry her.

Meet the Family #1: Peter

Rachel takes Peter to a baby store to pick out gifts for her nephew and soon-to-be nephew.  They are super cute.  They head to Rachel's parent's house and Peter pulls her aside before going in to inform her he is falling in love with her.  Then, inside, he gives a speech to the family about how he came to realize he was falling in love with her.  Peter wins over the entire family.  Rachel is concerned he won't propose.  Rachel's mom likes that Peter won't ask for her blessing until he's 100% sure she's the one.  Rachel's the only one who doesn't think Peter is the best.  We see Peter playing with her dog and nephew and ovaries exploded all over America.

Meet the Family #2: Eric

Eric and Rachel go to Union Tower and drink champagne.  Back at the hotel, Peter tells Bryan he doesn't like talking to Rachel's other boyfriend while her other boyfriend is at her house with her family.  Peter does not make it a secret that he dislikes Bryan, and I am here for that.  Meanwhile, Eric is crushing it with Rachel's family.  He's very honest and talks about his difficult upbringing and acknowledges lack of past serious relationship experience.  He gives a pretty heartfelt speech to Rachel's mom about family and love and gets her blessing when he asks for it.

Meet the Family #3: Bryan

Bryan and Rachel wear there matching watches and he gets to meet some of Rachel's friends.  Rachel tells them she thought he was a douchebag (her words, not mine- though I agree), but that has changed, obviously (for her, not me).  Then Bryan meets the family.  They are skeptical of Bryan and grill him pretty hard.  Rachel gets "low-key annoyed" and they tell her she's reacting emotionally.  Rachel's sister tells Bryan it's a little concerning how profusely he expresses love for Rachel.  He responds by telling her he loves her family, and her sister reminds him he's known them an hour.  Bryan gets the blessing to propose, though, but that's because Rachel's mom trusts Rachel's decisions.

Spain

They go international for the last couple weeks of this journey.  Eric gets the first Fantasy Suite date, and they get a helicopter ride and wander and hike on a beautiful Spanish coastline.  They eat dinner in a castle courtyard where Eric tells Rachel how much she challenges him emotionally and loves her and all that.  He get's the Chris Harrison "you may forgo your individual rooms" card, to which Eric says "that guy is awesome."  They go have sex spend some one on one time away from the cameras, and we next see them getting coffee together in the morning.

Peter gets the second date, and Rachel takes him to a winery where get sang to by the wine maker and are given their own private mini wine cellar.  Rachel says she wants a proposal and Peter says he sees an engagement as guarantee to get married and he only wants to do it once.  It's about to get serious when an adorable little girl comes to lead them to stomp some grapes.  And then make out while stomping grapes.  That evening, they revisit the proposal disagreement and the episode ends with Rachel crying.  But in the previews, they show Peter at the rose ceremony, so one can only assume they make-up enough to take it to the Fantasy Suite.

"I'm not gonna get engaged just because I'm the Bachelor"

This week's episode was a tale in three almost unrelated acts:

ACT I:  Andi Comes to Call

ACT II:  A Farewell to Corinne

ACT III:  Quoth the Raven: Never-O

Act 1

As teased to us last week, Andi shows up at Nick's hotel room right before the rose ceremony.  He invites her in and offers her a drink.  "I think this conversation might call for some whiskey," she says.  "I'm really curious as to why Andi's here?" Nick muses to the camera, as if he doesn't know this is something producers try to do almost every season.

If you didn't watch Andi's season, here's the cliff notes: Nick made it to the top two and lost to douchebag jock Josh.  During After the Final Rose, Nick asked Andi why she "made love to him" if she wasn't going to pick him and it was awkward and also caused drama for Andi and Josh (who have long been split us).

Back to New York and Nick and Andi today:  they discuss Nick's experience and how he has four strong women left ("and they stuck around?").  Andi asks if Nick is going to have sex with these final three.  He says he doesn't know (yeah, right), and Andi asks if he regrets asking her about their "making love."  He apologizes, in a long roundabout way, but Andi seems ok with it and they hug, she wishes him luck, and leaves.

Act 2

Time for the first rose ceremony in what feels like months!  Raven, Rachel, and Vanessa get roses.  Corinne cries as Nick walks her out.  She apologizes to Nick, who says she has nothing to apologize for.  Then comes the good part: her limo exit.  She starts her drive bemoaning how her heart will never mend and keeps talking until she's declaring she'll never kiss up to a man ever again.  She also asks the camera "why can't I have a normal relationship?" and, uh, what part of going on a TV show to find love did she think would lead to a normal relationship?  With that over with, she takes a nap.

Act 3

Raven gets the first Fantasy Suite week date.  They are in Finland and go on an awesome looking helicopter ride around Urho Kekkonen National Park.  They then play darts in a Finnish pub and it's all fun and dates like the Bachelor should be.  Then they start talking.  And end up arguing about ironing vs steaming clothes and it's so boring, the fact they are enjoying it means they are probably meant for each other.

Side note: Nick is wearing the chunkiest, most turtlenecky of turtleneck sweaters, while Raven is wearing the least useful of sweaters that doesn't cover her shoulders, let alone neck, as if to make up for Nick.

At dinner, Raven gives Nick an actually quite nice and real (real for this show that is) and long declaration of love.  He offers her the Fantasy Suite card, and she gleefully accepts, but wants to make sure Nick knows two things, which we have been hearing about all episode in between shots of their date:
1. She has only been sexually active with one guy she never even said I love you to (this is the guy who cheated on her and she beat him with a stiletto)
2. She's never had an orgasm

So, no pressure, Nick.  And we won't find out if this night has a satisfying ending until next week's three hour extravaganza.

The episode ends with a Rocky-esque montage of Nick running around in the snow and lifting logs over his head.

"Now 'I love you' means GTFO?"

#LukeforBachelor editing right here

After the drawn-out departure of Luke, JoJo and her three guys that she is "like, googoogaga over" head to Thailand for Fantasy Suite Week, or "exotic overnight dates" as JoJo calls them (and by overnight, she means sex, of course).  So while everyone is still figuring out why she didn't want to sleep with Luke, we muddle through a boring date with Robby where they make out while people massage their feet.

That evening, Robby tells JoJo yet again how he's in love with her and gives her a note his dad wrote to him about to prove that he's telling the truth or something.  JoJo brings up Ben again because Robby said I love you and Ben said I love you and we all know how well that went.  JoJo gives him the fantasy suite invite and Robby says "I don't have to dream about JoJo, I get to dream with JoJo" and we're done.  I'm moving on to Jordan's date because I can't handle anything else out of Robby's Ken doll mouth.

Jordan and JoJo go on a long difficult hike to some pretty cool caves.  Unfortunately, one of the caves us a temple and they can't kiss so are forced to talk.  Then, at dinner, Jordan says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, to which JoJo immediately retorts with "that's what Ben said," and girl, you aren't convincing anyone you're over him.  Anyway, he obviously gets the fantasy suite card.

"That was weird" -Chase/Everyone watching

Chase's turn.  The two play with fish and JoJo makes Chase kiss one and then they all but hook up in the ocean.  While preparing for her evening with Chase, she gets a little surprise visit from Robby, who said he missed her and knew where she lived and RUN JOJO, YOU'RE IN A HORROR MOVIE NOW.  Anyway, they chat some more about "country clubs and coloring books" and then JoJo mentions she's actually in the middle of a date.

Chase and JoJo "eat" dinner while Chase talks about how he sees a future with JoJo and tells her he "want[s] to smear that lipstick."  She likes this for some reason and gives him the fantasy suite card.  They head to the suite and Chase says he's "100% in love with" her and JoJo leaves to cry on a bench.  She comes back to send Chase home and he gets angry and she chases after him and says really helpful things like "I wanted to fall in love with you."  Cracking open a beer, Chase hops in the sad van with an "oh this is my fantasy suite?"  It's actually a pretty good exit, in my opinion.

Just wiping off hair products dripping down their perfect faces

Time for the rose ceremony that they're having for some reason other than forced drama, I'm sure.  JoJo comes out to tell Robby and Jordan that Chase is no longer here, and then what do you know, Chase walks in and pulls JoJo away.  Robby says "do people get sent home and come back from the dead?"  No wonder Robby was the first to say I love you and continues to say all the right things to get a rose!  He thinks the rejected bachelors get killed!

So turns out Chase is just back to have a nicer good bye with JoJo, and Robby and Jordan have nothing to worry about.  Then JoJo watches Chase leave with a monkey in tow and laments, "when did falling in love become so hard?" as if she didn't have two other guys she's fallen in love with waiting for some roses about 20 feet away.

To Jamaica and Love

"I think we should take advantage of this."

After standing and starting pensively at various bodies of water, Ben collects Caila for their date.  They head down a river on a raft and it is awkwardly silent the whole time.  Caila's apparently just realized Ben is dating two other girls pretty seriously and Ben doesn't know what's wrong.  Cut to the evening portion, Ben confronts her about being uncomfortable and we see that Caila has spent the afternoon rehearsing her "I love you" speech.  Ben is thrilled, because he didn't want to miss out of spending the night with Sex Panther.

"My day is really filled with cuteness."

Lauren's up next, and Ben takes her to a beach where they get to help release baby hawksbill sea turtles and all the girls should be mad, because Lauren B. gets all the best dates.  Everything about this date is super cute and it ends with them kissing in the ocean under double rainbows.  I mean, come on.

That evening they go to some small Jamaican concert so we can listen to a song about love while we hear Lauren's voice-over about how she's afraid to tell Ben she loves him.  Ben is worried that he doesn't know where Lauren stands, even after she just told him she could see a future with him and that she thinks he's amazing and that he's "legitimately" the man of her dreams.  Anyway, they forgo their individual rooms and Lauren ends up telling him she loves him.  And then, Ben says he's known for a while that he's in love with her.  HOLD UP.  He is so not allowed to say that.  But he keeps saying it!  The next morning, Lauren says how nice it is to have mornings with him, and Ben responds, "I do love you."  He broke the seal on the L word and he just can't hold it in.  So this means he's going to send Caila and JoJo home immediately, right?

"It doesn't scare me to tell you that."

Wrong.  Ben takes JoJo in a helicopter to jump into some cool looking waterfalls.  JoJo wastes no time in telling Ben she loves him, and what do you know, Ben loves her too!  JoJo's response is all of us: "What?  Are you allowed to say that?"  Ben soothes her worries with a kiss, but damn, Ben, are you ever digging yourself a hole.

During dinner, Ben confronts JoJo about her brothers, and she convinces Ben they'll get along and that they were just being protective and were uncomfortable with the situation.  That settled, they head inside to their hot tub and champagne and sex.

"I thought I'd be getting engaged in a week and a half."

Ben gets a day to collect his thoughts and is kind of realizing the L word was not a great thing to have said to two girls, but that's a problem for next week.  This week he just has to break up with Caila.  Caila, meanwhile, wants to surprise Ben because she misses him, but she does not get the reaction she hoped for.  It pretty quickly becomes clear that Ben is going to break up with her.  She takes it well, all things considered.  He walks her to the car, but before it can drive away, she yells wait! and hops out to ask Ben if he knew on their date (ie did you just want to sleep with me), and of course he claims he didn't know until he was able to reciprocate the "I love yous" to the other girls.

The "this is completely new information to me and I definitely
did not just hear a different girl say the same thing" look

And because apparently more than one rule can't be broken each episode, we still have a rose ceremony.  Each girl comes in alone and tells Chris that Ben reciprocated their I love yous (as if he didn't already know).  They stand around and make awkward small chat about why Caila isn't there and how there are only two roses until Ben comes out and still hands out the roses, dramatic pauses and everything.  They have an awkward group hug and both girls give toasts while the other glares.

Next week, we get a break from Ben's "I love you" disaster for Women Tell All!  The return of the twins, Olivia's mouth, and presumably a heartbroken Caila.

"These donkeys have some sick haircuts"

We return this week to Shawn and Nick's useless bro-fight.  Okay, we get it, you hate each other.  And Nick, if you think being Eskimo brothers with someone is not a good thing, then I have bad news for you because I'm pretty sure you just became Eskimo brothers with your worst enemy.

"Best sleepover ever!"
Ben and Kaitlyn have an overnight date riding horses and staying in a castle.  It's adorable and Ben says all of the right things, including the L word.

Ben is way too wholesome for Kaitlyn.

"Golf is a lot like love..."
Thanks, Shawn, we haven't heard a cheesy love metaphor in a while.  Kaitlyn takes Shawn golfing for their overnight and then, in a one-sided game of truth or dare, makes Shawn run around the golf course naked.  I guess the producers were feeling guilty about the lack of pool parties and gratuitously shirtless men and were trying to make up for it.

Return of the black box.

Over dinner, Kaitlyn brings up everyone's favorite subject: Nick!  She then decides to end the conversation abruptly with the invitation to forgo their individual rooms.  Because kissing seems to be Kaitlyn's (so far successful) strategy to not have to actually talk about anything.

Nick is lurking when Shawn emerges the next morning because apparently he didn't get enough of angry Shawn after his own fantasy suite and they proceed to argue unproductively again, but in Nick's room this time.

Shawn wins the champagne chugging contest.

In a predictable rose ceremony, Kaitlyn cries and sends drama-free, perfect, ridiculously hot Ben home (to presumably be the next Bachelor)  and Shawn and Nick readjust their pants 18 times and avoid eye contact because apparently they aren't allowed to leave.

Next up: Utah for "hometowns," probably so people on the internet can make fun of polygamy.

"I'm totally in love with you.... so, yeah"
Nick has a thousand siblings and his family is very concerned to the point of tears that Nick has made a huge mistake going on this show.  Again.   Nick tries to soothe his mom's worries by telling her that "[Kaitlyn]'s great at making out."  He also drops the L word on Kaitlyn and tells her that they "should make babies someday."

"What the hell's going on.  This is nuts."
We learn that sisters are Kaitlyn's jam because she has 7 of them, and then she actually gets along nicely with Shawn's sisters.  Shawn's dad is quite skeptical of the situation but that doesn't stop Shawn from also dropping the L word to Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn's confused and there will definitely be lots of tears and drama in the finale.

Next week, though, we get a break from the Shawn and Nick hate each other show for Men Tell All!  Are JJ and Clint still together?  Is Ian still a pompous asshole?  Did Joshua's hair grow back?  Has Kupah reevaluated his relationship with fireball?  Has creepy Tony married a bonsai yet?  Has Jared shaved his sad attempt at a beard?  Hopefully we'll have answers, come Monday!

"Why Kaitlyn is falling in love with Nick, I don't understand."

This week we're still in Ireland, but we do get one of those elusive rose ceremonies (and in the 9 o'clock hour too!  We're getting closer to having closure!).  All dates are now apparently in green grassy areas near old buildings.  Let's review:

Ben H. gets a one-on-one.  They play hide and seek, Kaitlyn tells Ben he's husband material, Ben tells Kaitlyn she's hot, and Kaitlyn asks Ben if he's a virgin.  Normal date stuff.

Joe, Nick, and Shawn get a group date.  Joe tells Kaitlyn he's falling in love with her and Kaitlyn breaks up with him.  He is reasonably upset and leaves in a huff and Kaitlyn is sad because she just wanted a hug.  Kaitlyn gives no one a rose but invites Shawn to the night portion of the date to tell him she slept with Nick.  Shawn decides to "man up and deal with it," which unfortunately does not mean he's going to stop being a whiny little bitch or stop hating on Nick "the other guy" nonstop.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!  Super dramatic since there is no cocktail party (have to switch up something).  Shawn needs Kaitlyn to sooth his feelings before he can accept a rose and then Jared ends up rose-less and goes home and hopefully shaves that beard (if you can even call it that).

Nick gets the first fantasy suite date and Kaitlyn takes him to a pub so they can drink and talk to the locals about relationships.  Then- surprise!- they forgo their individual rooms for the fantasy suite.  Which is in a sketchy jail cell (as a joke of course, but Nick's all, sure, I'll do you wherever).

And then we see something we've never seen on the Bachelor/ette before: the morning after!  Nick is shirtless and Kaitlyn eats bacon.  Nick leaves only to have Shawn come to his room and basically start a fight.  The conclusion of which we have to wait until next week to see, of course.

Oh and Britt and Brady get the credits and NO ONE CARES.  Give us our bloopers back!

And then there were three.