"I don't want to say goodbye to you"

First off, our favorite host Chris Harrison welcomes us to what might be the wedding of Ben and his lucky lady!  Chris has pulled out all the stops: both girl's families are waiting backstage (notably absent are JoJo's brothers), Ben's parents AND their hometown pastor are in attendance, and Neil Lane is in the front row with some wedding bands in tow.  But first, we have to go back to Jamaica.

We start with some pensive-stare-at-water shots of the three.  Ben has no idea what to do and hopes his parents will just make the decision for him.   Lauren thinks everything feels so right with Ben.  JoJo thinks she's finally in a fairy tale, which makes me wonder what fairy tales she read as a kid.

Ben briefs the 'rents on the two ladies and how he loves them both.  Mom says "it's really disturbing to me," and Bachelor viewers across the country nod in agreement.

Ben's mom is very relatable.

Lauren's up first and it's wholly undramatic.  She's poised and sweet and tells Ben's parents how much she loves him.  She tells Mama Higgens how she can't believe she's gotten to fall in love with someone so perfect and mom just laughs.

JoJo comes bearing a tacky shell/flower arrangement as a gift.  Ben tells his parents about moments he and JoJo has shared and said they flew over Hoover Dam in a helicopter but didn't get to see it because wink wink nudge nudge.  JoJo gets rightfully embaressed and Ben's mom asks "too much cuddle time?"  It was an awkward thing for Ben to bring up, almost as awkward as Nick V. telling his mom that he liked making out with Kaitlyn.

You can see where Ben gets his weird "you're too happy I need to see you cry" thing, as it appears Ben's mom likes JoJo better since they've "already gone through some non-ideal situations" and JoJo mentions how Ben has faults.  Ben's mom seems to think Ben can't take care of himself and implies that she likes JoJo better for Ben since she already knows he's not perfect.

Ben's parents like them both, though, and Ben's frustrated he still doesn't know who to propose to.  Or, as his mom said, "who to plant his stake with,"  and I don't know if that's a saying in Indiana or just really bad sexual innuendo.

Lauren's last chance to win Ben includes a boat ride and a vague question and answer session.  Ben's biggest concern is that it's too perfect, and Ben, that's what most people are going for.

JoJo's final time with Ben includes another waterfall and crying in a bathroom.  JoJo asks Ben if he loves Lauren too and if she knows and Ben says yes to both.  JoJo says she's tired of competing, and, well, you did sign up for a show where you compete for a husband, so...

Ben's distressed, but luckily we have Neil Lane and his gaudy expensive diamonds to help give Ben some clarity.  It seems to work, because now Ben knows who he's buying the ring for.

Somehow the most tears in this episode came from Ben.

Final rose ceremony time and JoJo is first up, which we all know is bad news.  She has a nice speech about how she loves Ben and he's her best friend and all that, to which Ben responds "I...... uh..... "  He then tells her he "found [love] with [her], but found it with someone else more."  JoJo is, of course, blindsided and heartbroken and Ben walks her to a limo (even though she arrived in a helicopter?).

Ben is sad and says stuff like "I don't deserve JoJo," but pulls himself together to call Lauren's dad to ask for permission because the patriarchy is still alive and well.  He gets Daddy Bushnell's blessing, fist pumps the air and then Lauren arrives.  She also gives an I love you speech, and Ben pauses for so long I'm pretty sure it was part of the Bachelor contract to add suspense.  Anyway, Ben proposes with a god-awful diamond ring and Lauren accepts.  They both tell each other they're each other's "person" and then Ben hands out the final rose to a "Yes!  Give me that!"

I guess Ben decided to settle for "too perfect."

Time for After the Final Rose!  Well, more of it anyway.  Throughout the whole episode we got glimpses at the live studio audience watching plus way to many shots of Ben's pastor flipping through the Bible and walking down halls.  JoJo gets to see Ben for the first time since he broke her heart and Lauren and Ben can be seen in public for the first time.  Chatting with JoJo is more calm and less emotional than I think any other season.  JoJo seems to have actually gotten over it- even after having to re-watch the heartbreak.  And no wonder she seems fine, because she's the next Bachelorette!  What's that they always say?  The best way to get over a man is to get under 25 new men?  Something like that.

Lauren comes out, Jimmy Kimmel does a bit ("where do babies come from?" and "what happens in the fantasy suite?") and then Chris tries to get Ben and Lauren to get married on the spot.  They decline (and why wouldn't they?  ABC will probably pay for a much fancier one later), but the families come out and Ben re-proposes to Lauren and everyone cheers.  Love conquers all, you guys!

Join me in May to watch JoJo find a husband on TV!
And hopefully we get to see more of her  judgmental brothers!