We begin with a recap of Nick getting shot down by two Bachelorettes and then straight into the shirtless shots to show he's "matured" since the start of his "journey" with this franchise. Nick then gets teased/given advice by three former Bachelors: Ben Higgins (engaged to his pick Lauren Bushnell, with a boring reality show), Sean Lowe (married with a kid to his Bachelor pick Catherine), and Chris Soules (rich Prince Farming who didn't last very long with his pick, Whitney, and other than his good looks, it's unclear why he's here giving advice). They all have beards and maybe half of them can pull them off.
Next up: introductory videos for a few of our bachelorettes (we also got some introductory videos in the "Countdown to Nick" pre-show, which I will include here):
- Corinne: What to say about Corinne. She has a nanny (for herself). She makes her nanny fetch her bowls of cucumbers. She runs a MULTI MILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS and she's not going to let us forget it. She has a platinum vagine and is going to win Nick over with her sex abilities. Her world is so glamorous she has to use third person. She is not going anywhere if the producers have anything to say about it.
- Jasmine G. is a pro dancer currently with the Golden State Warriors (shout out to the Bay!) she also gets to lose that G because *Spoiler Alert* the other Jasmine doesn't make it past night one.
- Kristina was a Russian orphan, and that story will probably keep her around one more week than she was going to originally last.
- Raven, unfortunately not of That's so Raven fame, is a country girl from Alabama where the only things to do are "go mudding, shoot guns, and read the bible." Sounds like a blast.
- Rachel is an attorney from Texas (the new Andi, perhaps?), smart, and close to Nick in age (or as close as they get in this show), and I have nothing to work with to make fun of her.
- Hailey is apparently friends with Daniel from JoJo's season (aka the crazy Canadian who was maybe friends wth Chad when he wasn't comparing him to Hitler) because she's also Canadian.
- Christen is a virgin for faith reasons. Her intro was a bunch of clips failing to mount a horse. She is super excited to get married because then she can have sex because "God loves sex. He created it" and guys, I can't make this shit up.
- Liz slept with Nick after Jade and Tanner's wedding (she was Jade's maid of honor) and then refused to give Nick her number. This is literally all we will ever know about her, even if she lasts half the season.
- Danielle L. owns a bunch of nail salons or something.
- Vanessa is trilingual and teaches special education and is way to smart to be doing this.
- Josephine is from Santa Cruz! I live in Santa Cruz! Hey cool! Oh wait... Josephine is weird, has a cute cat, and is weird.
- Alexis is "like, obsessed with dolphins" and Nick "needs to love dolphins."
- Danielle M. works with babies and has kind of a baby voice.
- All I remember from Taylor's intro is that she's biracial and cool with it.
And now, what we've all been waiting for: the Limo Entrances!
Here are some highlights:
- Taylor seemed to think the best way to meet a guy you want to date is tell him all your friends think he's a piece of shit.
- Sarah decided to remind Nick of his runner-up status by literally running up the driveway.
- Jasmine G. brings out Neil Lane with some diamond rings so Nick would know right off the bat what her ring size is.
- Hailey tried to tell a joke: "what does a girl wearing underwear say?" the punchline? "I don't know."
- Two girls talk to Nick in languages he can't understand: Astrid (German) and Vanessa (French).
- Josephine has an elaborate pun about Nick being a winner: "you're a weiner in my book" (she literally has a hot dog in a book). She then asks if he wants to "lady and the tramp it" and they both take a bite out of an uncooked hot dog and it's gross.
- Lacey rides in on a camel and makes some humping jokes and the girls freak out because she's wearing a red dress and they're all wearing red dresses! But, like, also she rode in on a live camel or something?
- Lastly, we have Alexis who shows up in stilettos and a shark suit but introduces herself as a dolphin and a great dolphin vs shark debate starts. And by debate, I mean everyone one goes, she knows she's a shark? right? and Alexis keeps making dolphin noises.
Time for the cocktail party. All the girls talk about how good looking and mature Nick has become since they first saw him on TV like eight years ago and also how they shouldn't have all worn red. Corinne just goes for the villain label by stealing Nick away for a second conversation and then kisses him. She is then shocked when she doesn't get the first impression rose. Nick gives that to Rachel, someone he actually wanted to kiss. Anyway, this portion is mostly girls freaking out about not getting time with Nick, calling Corinne a ho, and talking about the dolphin/shark girl.
Then 21 other girls get roses and further chances to embarrass themselves on TV.
Bachelorettes who will probably count their blessings for getting to go home night one after watching the rest of the season are:
- Angela because I literally don't know who that was, but she's on my list, so she was probably there
- Briana because she brought a stethoscope to listen to Nick's heart, which was more corny than any other introdcution I guess?
- Ida Marie because Nick probably doesn't understand that name
- Jasmine B. because we might as well only have one Jasmine
- Lauren because she said her and Nick's names together meant "disgusting slut" and I don't know why that pick up line fell flat
- Michelle because she made a joke about lemons
- Olivia because she's from Alaska and I guess it's too cold there for Nick
- Susannah because she offered him a massage but it was for his beard and that's just weird
So there you have it! After the premiere, Nick went on Jimmy Kimmel and hung out with Kaitlyn and Andi, who both broke his heart on national television, because apparently that night wasn't awkward enough already.
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