"I wanna get those pillow-lips"

We begin this episode on a mountain road.  Shoot to Arie.  Leather jacket, salt and pepper hair, pensive gaze, motorcycle.  Arie puts on a helmet and takes off down the dusty road.  Fade to some teenagers adult women giggling about how nice Arie's eyes are.  Chris Harrison enters stage right.  "The hope is that one of you will become Arie's wife," he proclaims, pulling out a date card to squeals of women who can't wait to promote sugar bear hair and fit tea on Instagram get to know this bad ass handsome Bachelor a little better.

Ok, enough of that.  

The Princess Date

Arie rolls up to pick up Becca K, who gets the first 1-on-1 date of the season.   The rest of the girls are jealous, but Debbie Downer Krystal's dad got hurt on a motorcycle and she knows of people who have died and lost body parts.

Arie takes Becca to a different LA mansion where some designer named Rachel Zoe is going to dress Becca in gowns while Arie eats cupcakes and ogles.  Arie buys all the dresses for Becca, tells her which one she should wear that evening and then gives her some sparkly Louis Vuitton heels.  And if that didn't scream sugar-daddy extravagant, some dude in a suit walks up to them with a briefcase and  tells Arie, "Neil Lane sends his regards."  It's diamond jewelry, of course.  Oh, they also shower each other in compliments, drink champagne, and kiss.  Becca goes back to the mansion and the other girls are all like, I'm not materialistic but LOUIS VUITTONS?  "Oh my god they are gonna get married," says Bibiana, and I sure hope so because Becca is on my Fantasy Bachelor Team.  That evening, they talk about how Becca was in a 7 year on and off relationship and her dad died of brain cancer and she gets to keep the diamond earrings and obviously Arie gives her a rose.  They end the night being showered with large, gold confetti.

The Early Hometown Date

Krystal's name is on the next date card, which says "home is where the heart is."  She meets Arie at an airport where they take a private jet to Scottsdale, AZ so Arie can show her the Pizza Hut he used to work in, his high school, and some awkward home videos.  Next, Arie takes Krystal to meet his parents, brother, and sister-in-law.  They talk about how long Arie's parents have been married and how marriage can be hard but they love each other and have beautiful children, so it's ok.  That evening, Krystal tells Arie about how she comes from a broken home and her brother is homeless and won't let her help.  Arie showers her with compliments and kisses and a rose and takes her to an awkward private concert, where some guy named Connor Duermit sings at them kissing and table full of candles.

After the date, the other girls ask about what she did, and Krystal is not about to talk.  She says the most vague things possible about hanging out in Scottsdale and the girls are annoyed, but not as annoyed as they will be later this week!

The Group Date where Someone Cries and Gets Time with the Lead and Everyone Else Wishes they Thought of That

Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G., Kendall, Bekah M., Jenny, Sienne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, and Chelsea all go on a date together.  It's a demolition derby!  Which actually looks pretty fun, if incredibly dangerous.  Most of the girls are into it and get spray painting their cars with roses and things like "Thx Emily!"  Annaliese, however, is freaking out and in tears.  I'm thinking maybe she had a bad accident or a family member die in car crash, but no, bumper cars traumatized her as a kid.  Everyone has irrational fears, although the demolition derby is literally 15 people trying to crash your car, so that alone I think is ok to scared of.  Arie takes her aside and comforts her and then tries to help her out during the derby, which is sweet.  Jenny thinks it's hilarious and plans to target her, and that's just unnecessary.  Anyway, Chris Harrison and some famous race car driver named Robbie announce the tournament: The Bashelor Demolition Derby.  "Could this be the first time Arie actually wins something on a racetrack?"  Nice one, Chris.  So the derby happens and Sienne is the last car going, so she wins a trophy and milk (because that's a thing).

The After Party (as Arie calls it) is just your average cocktail party with all the girls fretting about getting time with Arie.  "Classic Chelsea" steals Arie away first to tell him about her son.  She tells the other girls that she did this because she's a mom and they don't understand what she's sacrificed, to which Marikh shuts her down with a very polite, no, you don't get special treatment because you're a mom- we all gave something up to come here.  Sienne gets to tell Arie how much smarter she is than him (and it was not lost on Arie: "She went to Yale.  I barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut.").  Bekah M. and Arie talk for about two seconds before kissing for a long time.  It was very uncomfortable to watch.  Meanwhile, Bibiana is throwing a tantrum about not getting time with Arie while doing absolutely nothing to get time with him.  The date ends and while Arie compliments Chelsea in front of the rest of the girls, he gives the group date rose to Sienne.

Cocktail Party, or, The Birth of a New Villain

Arie doesn't give anyone a chance to steal him and instead pulls Brittany aside, since she got injured at the demolition derby and couldn't make it to the after party.  He gives her a "Most Hardcore" certificate.  Then he goes and makes out with Bekah again, who tells her she's no drama and easy to please while wearing the most ridiculous fur coat.  Bibiana is still upset about not getting time with Arie, which gets escalated as Krystal interrupts girls for more time with Arie not once, but twice, despite already having a rose.  Bibiana yells at her, which doesn't seem to go through, and everyone else watched uncomfortable.  Anyhow, the rose ceremony happens, and Bibiana is given the last rose, because drama, y'all.

Girls we lost this episode are:

Jenny, who cried and tried to leave without saying goodbye, so Arie chased her down and demanded hugs.  She said she wasn't crying over him, she was just going to miss her new friends, and Arie reminder her that that wasn't the point.  She was upset about being broken up with for the first time, and she is not prepared to get broken up with in real life by a real boyfriend.

Valerie, who was the closest thing to a redhead to make it past episode one in my memory.

Lauren G., probably because there are still too many Laurens.

End credits roll over Kendall showing Arie a pickled bat and taxidermied seal.  Arie isn't weirded out because apparently he has a friend who collects doll parts which is way creepier.

I'll leave you with this great screenshot of Arie from when I paused to refill my wine while watching last night: