It's the most wine-derful time of the year!

It's that time again!  The girls' bios have been released and I'm ready to judge!

This season premiere will showcase 30 contestants ages 23-31 to vie for professional runner-up Nick V., a 36 year old technology salesman.  There is not one but three ladies who have job titles that are basically "unemployed": aspiring dolphin trainer, unemployed nurse (ok, she admits it), and law school graduate (and let's just ignore the fact that they all have to be basically unemployed to commit to a potentially few months on this show).

Let's look at the highlights from their Bios (found here):

Alexis' 5 things she can't live without starts strong with "family, dog, best friend" but quickly crashes into a huge "ugh, seriously?" with "fake eyelashes, whitening strips."

Angela's worst date was when a guy put down Batman as his name while waiting for a table, meaning she is just no fun and maybe needs to start dating adults.

Astrid wants to be a dolphin so she can rescue lost sailors and swim in the ocean doing tricks (tricks like killing those rescued lost sailors, because do you even know anything about real mermaids?)

Briana wants to be a pineapple because she wants to be "Hawaiian, delicious, tropical, and pretty," so she should just move to Hawaii and eat lots of pineapple.

Brittany admires Beyonce for a few reasons including "she's a virgo like me!" as if being born a certain time of year is something to be admired.

Christen is obsessed with the president because she seems to think the TV show Scandal is real.  She also wants to break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a strange closet to presumably see sexy, scandalous presidential going on or whatever happens in the Scandal universe.

Corinne wants to be Snow White so she can find her Prince Charming, and honey, that's Cinderella- Snow White's prince is Prince Ferdinand.

Danielle L.'s favorite book is a self-help book and that's kind of sad.  She also wants to be a fox because they're "responsive," so I feel sorry for any other animal she's interacted with.

Danielle M. wants to be Hermione which is cool, and has a dead fiancé, so that's sure to keep her on the show a few weeks.

Dominique looooves Chipotle so much that if she could have lunch with any three people dead or alive, it would be her grandfather, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Jesus and they would all be eating burritos from Chipotle.  Chipotle is also one of the 5 things she can't live without.

Elizabeth "Liz" apparently hooked up with Nick at a wedding a while back so here's some drama already!  Other tidbits: golf is so boring it angers her AND she's unashamed of being a Belieber.

Elizabeth gets out of having a last initial because the other Elizabeth has a nickname.  Her response to what her greatest achievement is: "My life has been a journey of achievements that only I would appreciate."

Haily is "not into butterflies at all.  Jumping bugs suck.  Butterflies are a solid no for [her], though."

Ida Marie's favorite book and author are the same: "I need to read more books."

Jaimi likes to bench press men with her legs to impress them.

Jasmine B. was engaged before but never got married because she "was too young and he ended up proving he doesn't deserve my greatness," and you go girl!

Jasmine G. thinks she's the girl version of Guy Fieri but also has the most fun group of three folks (dead or alive) who she wants to have lunch with: RuPaul, Dave Chappelle, and Prince.

Josephine would like to be Stephen Hawking for a day, and she may be the only one of these bimbos who knows who that is.

Kristina is an orphan (so sticking around points!) and if she could be someone for a day she'd be her biological mother because she'd "like to know what she was going through when [she] was young and if choosing alcohol over kids worth it" which is possibly the most thoughtful/serious answer any Bachelor contestant has ever given to any of these questions ever.

Lacey's biggest fear is that her date is going to another date right after hers, and girl, have you even seen the show you're about to go on?

Lauren could be my friend considering if she could go anywhere in the US it would be state parks in the southwest since she loves the rock formations

Michelle was very specific about what she would eat with the three people she wants to have lunch with: Sunday roast with Dumbledore, tacos with Gwen Stefani, and fish & chips with Princess Diana.

Olivia was the kicker on her high school football team, so lets hope she goes on the obligatory sports competition date.

Rachel "hates things that fly (eg birds, grasshoppers)."

Raven would be Blue Ivy is she could be anyone for a day because I guess being 4 would be fun?

Sarah, if she could be any animal, would be "a dog! or, if your a bird, I'm a bird, right :)" so we know she's going to be the girl who says the L word first since she'll think it's something Nick wants to hear.

Susannah's guilty pleasure is "buying expensive shoes or not expensive shoes."  So, buying shoes.

Taylor's favorite clothing designer is Forever 21, because I guess that's a designer.

Vanesa wants to be an onion.  She should just duck out early and find Ashely S.

Whitney's response to "how much do you enjoy theater?" is "I like going to movies but also to rent them at home," and I don't think she knows what theater generally refers to.

See you in 2 weeks for the cringe-worthy limo entrances of all the ladies named above!
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A light in these dark times

It's going to be a train wreck, but one that will briefly, for an hour or two a week, distract from the train wreck our country is taking part in.

"It's real. It's been real."

Half of this episode was JoJo crying and saying "I don't know"

Chris Harrison and his live studio audience are here to present the final chapter of JoJo's Journey to Jordan, I mean, Love.  Journey to Love.   Because it was in no way obvious since night one who she was going to pick.  But before we get to that, Chris shows us Ben and Lauren from last season who are still together and not just there to keep ABC happy since they get their own spin-off but because they really care about JoJo's story.  Some members of the cast of Bachelor in Paradise are also there so it's even more awkward for the people sitting around them when they show a preview of the BiP shit show season.

Finally we get to go to Phuket, Thailand, where Jordan and Robby get to meet JoJo's family.  She tells her family she thinks she loves both of them and "when I'm with Robby, I think of Jordan.  When I'm with Jordan, in the back of my head, I think of Robby."
Jordan gets to meet the family first.  He shows up and gives everyone silly hats and then it's time for questions.  JoJo's mom asks Jordan how he will manage her trust issues.  His answer doesn't seem to satisfy her because she tells JoJo she's worried because Jordan is too similar to JoJo and mom's worried that she's blinded by his charm.  This is the same mom that told JoJo that she had nothing to worry about with Ben for no other reason except she's beautiful.  Then Jordan talks to JoJo's dad and notably does not ask for permission for JoJo's hand in marriage, which will become the scandal of the episode.

Anyway, it's Robby's turn to ingratiate himself with the family.  He kills it: professes his love, asks for the parent's blessing to marry her, and even her dad got choked up.  JoJo's mom tells Robby she's giving him a princess and he needs to "make her the queen of your heart," so that happened.

After he leaves, JoJo sits down with her parents and two brothers and I think her sister, who says nothing and only occasionally appears in a shot, what they think.  They all tell her Robby is perfect.  She gets upset and says she doesn't know and why can't they just pick for her because Jordan's great too.  One of her brothers points out that maybe she really wants Jordan since she keeps defending him.  Good thing JoJo still has one date left with each man to figure it out.

On JoJo and Robby's date, Robby says he wants to get her pregnant like, yesterday.  "You have a heart of gold," JoJo says, and Robby whispers, "you're a heartbreaker" as he leans in for a kiss and FORESHADOWING MUCH?

On JoJo and Jordan's date, they argue about why Jordan didn't ask her father for permission to marry her.  Jordan says it didn't feel right when he didn't know how she felt and there's still another guy in the picture and JoJo cries because why isn't Jordan just doing exactly what she wants so she has no excuse not to pick him.

Both men then meet with Neil Lane and picked out gaudy diamond rings.  Jordan then takes a page out of Ben's books and calls JoJo's parents to ask for their blessing.  He then writes a note to JoJo to let her know.  Robby also writes a note, so we get to see JoJo cry about how hard her decision is even more.

After some montages of the guys starting shirtless and then getting dressed in blue suits while their engagement rings sit nearby, it's time for the final rose.  Robby shows up first to the final rose locale, meaning it's game over.  Luckily, JoJo doesn't make him give his whole speech before interrupting and sending him home.  They both cry, and then JoJo quickly dries her eyes so Jordan can come make all her dreams come true.

What is with all the baskets and urns??

It's time for After the Final Rose.  Chris Harrison sits down with Robby and plays psychiatrist.  JoJo comes out to give Robby some closure and they send him away to bring out Jordan to convince everyone love is real.  Chris then pushes the Aaron Rodgers issue and Jordan does an actually pretty good job of dodging the question.  JoJo and Jordan are throwing around dates for a wedding and Jordan's moving to Dallas since, you know, he's unemployed and he can't become a famous sportscaster if he stays in Chico.

If you're going to miss all the drama, and have missed Chad since he went home, then have no fear, because Bachelor in Paradise will be gracing your televisions for the rest of the summer!

The Men bitch about Chad episode

Also known as Men Tell All, this year's show was, you guessed it, all about the Chad.  Chris Harrison tried to start with the Derek and Alex drama that everyone forgot about, but the second someone mentioned Chad's name, the men start going off.  Wells is Mr. Psychiatrist this season, and says that they should talk about Chad without him there and CUT TO Chad and a meat plate waiting behind scenes.

When Chad finally comes out, it's everything you expected and so much more.  Between explaining how he hooked up with both Grant and Robby's exes (calling Grant Darryl for some inexplicable reason) and mocking the rest of them for falling for JoJo immediately, and when not talking about JoJo, talking about him, Chad actually was pretty perceptive about the guys on this show.  But that doesn't change the fact that he's a huge douchebag.  The guy who dressed up as Santa night one decided to challenge Chad to a fight, but Chad laughed and said "good luck on the airtime there, Santa," and refused to fight him on account of his dress shoes.  Derek's up next on the argue with Chad train, and Chad dismisses him with a "your pocket square doesn't match your shirt."

Chris Harrison inquires about Chad's threats to find Jordan at home after the show was over, and Chad said, "maybe I was going to bring him candy."  Moving on to the next issue, they re-examine the Evan's ripped shirt fiasco.  We rematch the scene in slo-mo and it actually kind of looks like Evan pushed Chad first.  Basically, no one really cares about Evan, dick doctor.  Wells tries to analyze the whole situation, dropping a Lord of the Flies reference (they Piggy'd Chad) that most likely confused most of the other men.  Chad's interview ends with him saying "sometimes you chose apples when you should have chose pickles, if you know what I mean," and no, Chad, no one knows what you mean.

Anyway, the rest of the show tries to be about the actual Bachelorette and they bring Luke and Chase up to get closure with JoJo/further their auditions for the next Bachelor.  And just in case you forgot about him, Chad decide to wish JoJo all the best, even though her final two are liars and cheats and there for the wrong reasons.  JoJo refuses to respond saying that that's what Chad wants, attention, and she won't indulge him.  The other guys love this and give her a standing ovation.

Then, we have a surprise guest in the audience: Vinny's mom is there to tell JoJo she picked wrong and her son is the best.  Next, there's the blooper reel, which this year mostly consisted of JoJo being surprised by animals and insects and men breaking glasses.  Lastly, there's the preview for the finale and it promises a lot of JoJo crying.

"Now 'I love you' means GTFO?"

#LukeforBachelor editing right here

After the drawn-out departure of Luke, JoJo and her three guys that she is "like, googoogaga over" head to Thailand for Fantasy Suite Week, or "exotic overnight dates" as JoJo calls them (and by overnight, she means sex, of course).  So while everyone is still figuring out why she didn't want to sleep with Luke, we muddle through a boring date with Robby where they make out while people massage their feet.

That evening, Robby tells JoJo yet again how he's in love with her and gives her a note his dad wrote to him about to prove that he's telling the truth or something.  JoJo brings up Ben again because Robby said I love you and Ben said I love you and we all know how well that went.  JoJo gives him the fantasy suite invite and Robby says "I don't have to dream about JoJo, I get to dream with JoJo" and we're done.  I'm moving on to Jordan's date because I can't handle anything else out of Robby's Ken doll mouth.

Jordan and JoJo go on a long difficult hike to some pretty cool caves.  Unfortunately, one of the caves us a temple and they can't kiss so are forced to talk.  Then, at dinner, Jordan says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, to which JoJo immediately retorts with "that's what Ben said," and girl, you aren't convincing anyone you're over him.  Anyway, he obviously gets the fantasy suite card.

"That was weird" -Chase/Everyone watching

Chase's turn.  The two play with fish and JoJo makes Chase kiss one and then they all but hook up in the ocean.  While preparing for her evening with Chase, she gets a little surprise visit from Robby, who said he missed her and knew where she lived and RUN JOJO, YOU'RE IN A HORROR MOVIE NOW.  Anyway, they chat some more about "country clubs and coloring books" and then JoJo mentions she's actually in the middle of a date.

Chase and JoJo "eat" dinner while Chase talks about how he sees a future with JoJo and tells her he "want[s] to smear that lipstick."  She likes this for some reason and gives him the fantasy suite card.  They head to the suite and Chase says he's "100% in love with" her and JoJo leaves to cry on a bench.  She comes back to send Chase home and he gets angry and she chases after him and says really helpful things like "I wanted to fall in love with you."  Cracking open a beer, Chase hops in the sad van with an "oh this is my fantasy suite?"  It's actually a pretty good exit, in my opinion.

Just wiping off hair products dripping down their perfect faces

Time for the rose ceremony that they're having for some reason other than forced drama, I'm sure.  JoJo comes out to tell Robby and Jordan that Chase is no longer here, and then what do you know, Chase walks in and pulls JoJo away.  Robby says "do people get sent home and come back from the dead?"  No wonder Robby was the first to say I love you and continues to say all the right things to get a rose!  He thinks the rejected bachelors get killed!

So turns out Chase is just back to have a nicer good bye with JoJo, and Robby and Jordan have nothing to worry about.  Then JoJo watches Chase leave with a monkey in tow and laments, "when did falling in love become so hard?" as if she didn't have two other guys she's fallen in love with waiting for some roses about 20 feet away.

"My heart is beating" -some brilliant commentary by JoJo

And now time to recap the Hometowns episode: where we get to see what kind of families raised men who think going on television is a great way to find a wife.

Chase: Divorce, Divorce, Divorce

In Colorado, or just on a movie set?

First up, we head to Colorado where Chase lives, and it is snowy and beautiful.  JoJo and Chase are going to meet Chase's dad first (since his parents, we learn, had a messy divorce).  Chase decides this is a really good time to ask why his dad and mom's relationship failed.  Then Chase talks to his dad alone (which may have been a better time to bring up the divorce?), and for the first time, I see a personality in Chase.

Next stop: meeting the mom, step-dad, sister and her family.  They're all pretty reasonable, nice people, and it goes well.  Chase and his sister talk about how they were both hurt by divorce and then Chase and his mom cry about love, to which his mom says "crying is not our style."  Chase tells JoJo he's falling in love with her as she leaves.

Jordan: The Aaron Rodgers Story

"the spicy child"

Next up: we go west to Chico, CA where we get further evidence that Jordan peaked in high school since he takes JoJo to his high school and introduces her to random teachers and coaches.  JoJo asks if some picture is Aaron Rodgers and Jordan changes the subject.  "You could tell it hurt him to bring it up," JoJo says, right before bringing it up again while they sit on some bleachers.  He more or less tells her not to bring him up.  So of course, when JoJo sits down with Jordan's other brother, Luke, she brings it up.  Luke says they all miss Aaron and it's hard to talk about and then the rest of the evening is boring because there is no more talk about the Aaron Rodgers drama.

Robby: The Hope Saga

For a total change of scenery, we go down to Florida, where Robby is from.  The theme of this date is Robby's ex girlfriend.  Right after JoJo tells Robby's mom she's falling in love with him, Robby's mom thinks it's a great idea tell Robby that his ex's roommate is putting rumors out into the world.  Namely the rumor that Robby broke up with this Hope girl just to go on the Bachelorette.  Robby breaks up what looks to be a nice chat JoJo is having with his sisters to tell JoJo about this.  He is a little too defensive about the whole thing and even says that he's "here for the wrong reasons" (even if he was quoting someone else).

Luke: Nicholas Spark's new leading man

Red solo cup, I fill you up
Let's have a party!

Time to head to the Lone Star State and into a country rom-com movie starting Luke.  Luke invites what looks like to be his entire town to a BBQ, and then he and JoJo ride off into the sunset on horses to sit on a bench made of hay, and walk through a candle-lit path to a giant heart made of flower petals where Luke tells JoJo his heart is hers.

In Conclusion:

What's more romantic than an airplane hangar?

Time for the rose ceremony and JoJo thinks she knows what's up until Luke pulls her aside to actually utter the L word.  Now that all the guys have told her they love her and none of them look that different from each other, JoJo has a break down and we get the worst image in Bachelor nation: a To Be Continued.

"I'd still take hanging out with JoJo over eating cow intestine" (understatement of the season)

Still in Argentina, JoJo has to decide whose parents she wants to meet.

She starts with a 1 on 1 date with Alex, the only guy left who hasn't had one, which is apparently very clear to other guys as Jordan responds with "now you can stop bitching."

JoJo and Alex have an awkward car ride into the country while the other dudes make up a rap about how Alex is short and JoJo likes the rest of them better.

Then JoJo and Alex dress up like gauchos (supposedly), ride horses, and then spoon with a horse.  JoJo explains that her relationship has changed with Alex and she thinks it has to do with spending time with him, and isn't that how relationships work?

That poor horse

It seems to be inexplicably going well for Alex until he professes his love for JoJo.  He apparently can't read facial expressions because he keeps babbling about how this all feels great and then JoJo sends him home.  JoJo cries because it's hard and she doesn't know what she's doing and why wouldn't Alex make eye contact when getting in the sad van?  Maybe because you just broke his heart on national television just when he thought he was going to finally be like his twin and be married too?

Anyway, it's time for a date with Jordan, who JoJo is still very much obsessed with.  They go to a vineyard and crush grass with their feet and then drink that grape juice, which, ew.  Then there's a hot tub, obviously.  Later, JoJo asks about Jordan's family and he goes into a monologue about how close he is to his family except Aaron (you know, the famous one who's dating Olivia Munn and the reason we all wanted a hometown date for this schmuck), and how football doesn't define him, implying it defines his brother and his brother is the one who's distanced himself from the family blah blah blah.  Then he says he's "so in love" with JoJo and she's all over him.

What a sad tableau

The group date this week is for Chase, Robby, and James Taylor, and the producers either totally forgot to plan it, or the rain really did ruin their plans, because the guys and JoJo had a "slumber party."  We find out that James Taylor's "A-game" is being able to fit an absurd number of french fries in his mouth, Robby really likes saying the words "front-runner," and Chase continues to have no personality.  They all seem kind of drunk and all more or less profess their love for JoJo.  Robby for some reason gets the group date rose and they make-out with a thunderstorm backdrop while James Taylor and Chase pout in the elevator.

Just remember: it was James Taylor's idea to stuff the fries in his mouth

Luke gets the third one on one date this week, and they ride horses and shoot guns.  JoJo says "Luke is for sure a man," so I guess that's a concern she has about the other dudes?

In a surprise twist, Luke doesn't get an evening portion of the date and goes back to inform the guys that the rose ceremony is happening right now, "so, yee-haw."

James Taylor does not get a rose and it's a tearful goodbye for both James Taylor and JoJo.  For anyone who thought James Taylor had a chance, let me remind you what her final four look like and try to tell me she doesn't have a type:

Meet Jordan, Ken Doll Jordan, Country Jordan, and Jordan 2.0