"I'm still #TeamBen"

Week 7 brings us to Ben's hometown of Warsaw, IN.  It is decidedly more happening than Arlington, IA, where Chris took the girls last year.  Ben starts off by meeting his parents in a diner and telling them about his last six ladies.  They look pretty unconvinced about the whole process.

The final six.

The girls are totally naturally walking in a classic autumn scene and oh look!  Piles of leaves!  Let's have a leaf fight!  This was totally not staged.  Also totally not staged was their surprise when Ben picked them up on a boat while they were conveniently standing on a dock.  Ben takes them to their home for the week and then asks Lauren B. to join him on a date after making joke about his parents having sex.

Lauren B. gets a tour of Ben's old haunts: his high school, his church, the movie theater (now hotel) where he had his first kiss.  And lucky us, we get to hear that story.  "I want to kiss you but I don't know how," Ben said at age 13 to land his first kiss, and again at age 26 to land one with Lauren B. Next they go to the Baker Youth Club where Ben used to work.  Ben is really good with kids and Lauren B. ate it all up.  They jump rope, play ball, girls giggle, and Ronnie the Half Court King sinks a shot, forcing Ben to kiss Lauren B. in front of 100 kids.  Then, surprise! Ben invites the Indiana Pacers to hang with the kids.  Ben consoles a crying kid and it's adorable.

Here kids, watch these people you just met kiss.

Ben and Lauren B.'s evening portion consists of resolving the non-existent issues that Leah brought up last week.  Then they go to Ben's favorite dive bar and take shots with a group of people who may or may not be Ben's friends.

JoJo gets the next one-on-one and the other girls pout.  Because they've clearly exhausted anything interesting in Indiana, Ben and JoJo go to Wrigley Field in Chicago and wear Mr. and Mrs. Higgens jerseys, roll around in the grass, and "eat" dinner on a tiny table in the field.  JoJo shares her fears with Ben, Ben says some articulate and comforting things and suddenly JoJo isn't scared anymore.

I would actually love this date.  Except at the Giant's ballpark,
and the jersey would have my name.

The last group date of the season has Becca, Amanda, and Caila playing in boats and with kites.  They all talk to Ben: Amanda wants to squeeze her kids, Caila thinks she's moss, and Becca is concerned about Ben being at the same place in their relationship as she is.  Ben gives Amanda a rose and whisks her off.  Becca and Caila look like they could kill someone.

They shouldn't feel too bad, because Ben takes Amanda to McDonald's in the worst product-placement date ever.  Ben exclaims he's always wanted to go behind the counter, so Ben and Amanda work the drive-thru before feeding each other greasy fries. At least Ben takes Amanda to a Carnival afterwards which looked like actual fun.

Attempting to romanticize minimum wage.

Last but not least, Emily gets a one-on-one.  Ben takes her home to meet his parents.  She babbles uncontrollably to Mother Higgens who looks slightly horrified at the prospect of her son marrying a wannabe NFL cheerleader.  She informs Father Higgens that she likes movies and hates vegetables.  They are all quite nice to her and Ben's parents are very diplomatic in talking about her.

Ben takes Emily back across the lake and breaks up with her while the other girls peer out the window and watch.  They console crying Emily who then gives a surprising sane exit interview after that word vomit of a date with Ben's parents.

Is Lauren B. trying to console her or put her out of her misery?

Dramatic music brings us into the rose ceremony and Ben doesn't know what to do.  Good ol' Chris Harrison, psychologist, to the rescue.  He asks Ben who maybe doesn't seem like good wife material and Ben makes up his mind.  Ben does exactly what Becca asked him not to do the day before: blindside her by not giving her a rose.

Chris Harrison, earning his paycheck.

Girls sent home, but not to hometowns:
Emily, who loves ducks because she never sees them in Vegas,
and Becca, who will have to forgo sex a little longer.

"I want to talk smart things."

We start this episode pre-Mexico City rose ceremony when Ben pulls Olivia away to chat.
"Why do all the girls hate you?" he asks.
"I'm too smart and don't like painting my nails" Olivia responds.
Ben is skeptical, but he doesn't rescind the group date rose, and instead, Jennifer, a brunette, goes home.

Ben tells the remaining ladies they're headed to the Bahamas!  Upon arriving and squealing about their new hotel rooms, Chris Harrison makes an appearance with the first date card (a one-on-one for Caila) and to inform them there will also be a dreaded two-on-one this week.

Caila's one-on-one basically became a background montage to the beginning of the end of Leah.  Remember Leah?  Me neither because she was the "who's that?" of every rose ceremony so far.  But not today.  Today Leah is sad because she's the only one who hasn't gotten real alone time with Ben and now Caila gets a SECOND one-on-one.  Leah cries and and we see Ben and Caila kiss some fish and jump off a yacht holding hands.

Leah's sobfest over for now, we get to see Ben and Caila's evening chat.  Ben's concerned because Caila smiles too much and basically asks her to cry for him.  Caila has a confusing monologue about how she feels like she loves him but feels confused and feels afraid of hurting him and feels understood and feels like she understands him and the audiences feels like she's speaking a different language because no one knows what happened.  Ben says he's confused but also thinks "it's almost attractive that Caila can be confused" so she gets the rose.

"This is like a bar in Dallas.  There's pigs everywhere" -JoJo

On to the group date!  Ben takes them on a boat and they do shots and drink and then surprise!  There are pigs in the ocean!  Ben pulls out a bucket of hot dogs because feeding pigs meat while swimming in their filth seems like a stellar date idea (I know, I know, pigs are really clean, but I'm pretty sure they don't pointedly get out of the water and away from the beach to poop).  Ben thinks every one is having a blast while the girls do a lot of screaming and running.  The pigs seem to have eaten all the hot dogs and get bored with the ladies, so Ben starts making his rounds to chat with the girls, but everyone's acting super awkward because they are all dating the same guy and all see his obvious connection with Lauren B.  Leah confronts Ben about not picking her for the one-on-one after complaining to all the other girls about it first.  Ben, in nice Ben fashion, seems to soothe her fears.  For now.

Back at the mansion, Emily calls her twin to bitch about Olivia, again, while Olivia bitches about how young Emily is (they are the same age).

In the evening portion of the group date, Ben tries to smooth over the awkwardness of the day, and Leah tries to throw Lauren B. under the bus.  Ben asks Lauren B. why someone would say she acts differently with the girls and Lauren B. gets really upset as well as us viewers because she's seemed so sweet all along.  The other girls ask what's wrong when it's apparent Lauren B. is upset, and Leah straight up lies about bringing Lauren B. up with Ben.  Amanda gets the group date rose for no other reason than we all forgot she was there.

Later, after the date, Leah sneaks off to see Ben.  "I'm not here to sabotage someone," Leah says before trying to sabotage Lauren B. by telling  Ben that Lauren B. is malicious and catty.  Ben doesn't take the bait and sends Leah packing.  And that's the end of probably the shortest lived villain in Bachelor history.

Deep intellects have no place on this show, Olivia.
And by "deep intellects," I mean "love languages." 

And now t's time for what we've all been waiting for: Olivia and Emily's two-on-one!  "Two women, one rose.  One stays, one goes." is what Chris Harrison's imaginative card reads.  Ben picks them up on, wait for it, a boat!  They go to an island where Olivia tells Ben deep intellectual stuff is her jam and that she's in love with him.  Emily babbles about how excited she is for their journey to start and everyone thinks she's going home even though everyone also wants Olivia gone SO BAD.

Ben then takes the rose and asks Olivia to walk with him.  Ben gives a speech about how he can't reciprocate the "I love you" feelings Olivia expressed and walks back to Emily with the rose.  They boat off, and Olivia is deserted on an island in what looks to be the start of a hurricane.  Everyone everywhere cheers and it's almost more satisfying than Farmer Chris leaving Kardashley and Kelsey in the Badlands last year.  Almost.

Time for the cocktail party.  Wait, Ben cancels the cocktail party and heads straight for the rose ceremony!  Gasp!  Drama!  Except not really, because in every season ever, once things get serious, the Bachelor/Bachelorette always cancels at least one cocktail party.  Anyway, everyone gets a rose except Lauren H., who is beautiful and wonderful and a teacher, and girl, you are going to do fine back in the real world.

Girls we said goodbye to in the last couple of weeks (since the to be continued threw everything off):
Jubilee, aka #JubileeforBachelorette! Let's get diverse with the leads already and also, Jubilee is literally a hero;
Jennifer, who it's unclear if Ben and her had even met yet,
Leah, who tried to get rid of Lauren B and it backfired enormously,
Olivia, who really only had herself to blame because she was living in "Olivia world" where Ben and her were already married;
and Lauren H., so now no one needs a last initial anymore.

In which no one has salt with their tequila shots

(At least they had limes.)

This week, Ben and his 11 girlfriends headed to Mexico City.
*cue dramatic Mexican-ish music*

Olivia starts off strong, talking about how Ben validates her, and how they have a "love language" and how she should get the one-on-one date.  She doesn't get one though.  Amanda, the single mom, gets the first date in Mexico, leading Olivia on a mom-bashing rant about how she knows what Ben wants, and it's not moms.

If you didn't think waking the girls up isn't the creepiest
gimmick on The Bachelor, just look at Ben's face.

On to the date!  To start the date, Ben decides to wake all of the girls up at 4:30 am.  All the girls freak out about how they look in the morning and how unfair it is that Amanda looks flawless right out of bed.  Olivia is afraid Ben will smell her "dragon breath" and Lauren H. is shy about her retainer (to which Ben says, "I sleep with a retainer too, don't worry").  Ben of course thinks "they all looked beautiful today, without hair, without make-up," since we all know girls don't have hair when they sleep.  After unnecessarily waking everyone up from their beauty sleep, Ben takes Amanda on a hot air balloon ride to a picnic.   Ben is suddenly an expert on the various pyramids they fly over and for once the girl doesn't squeal about being afraid of heights.  Later, at dinner, Amanda opens up about her jerk of an ex-husband, earning her a rose.

The group date sends Ben and the girls to Spanish Class.  The teacher has Ben tell them individually, but in front of the rest of the girls, that he loves them and wants to kiss them in Spanish.  This makes Jubilee really uncomfortable and when it's her turn, she tells Ben he already said that to other girls.  Olivia takes a different approach because even though she just watched Ben profess his love and devotion to eight other women, when he said it to her, there was "electriciTAY."

Next, they head to a market/restaurant and pair off to buy ingredients and cook fancy Mexican food.  Because, as we all know, "if you know how to cook, you're ready to get married."  Olivia, yet again, swoops in on Ben and forces him to be her partner and also to eat crickets.

Emily is everyone's internal monologue this episode in regard to Olivia

Tensions are still high going into the evening portion.  Jubilee is not handling this date-a-guy-who-has-ten-other-girlfriends thing well.  Jubilee tells Ben how difficult things are and how it's hard being overshadowed.  Ben is hurt because Jubilee wouldn't hold his hand.  Long story shot, Ben sends Jubilee home.  He goes back and, to everyone's chagrin, Olivia gets the group date rose.  Olivia graciously lets them know they don't have to congratulate her.

Group date number two takes Ben and Lauren H. to a poncho shop where they get to talk to the designer who just happens to want to invite them to a fashion show that happens to be this evening as his guests!  And surprise!  Not only do they get to go behind the scenes, Ben and Lauren H. get to be models!  Lauren H. is pretty intimidated, and I don't blame her.  Ben gives her a pep talk, they crush it, and then take tequila shots out of plastic cups.  Dinner time conversation reveals that Amanda's not the only one with a cheating ex.  Ben just loves these stories and gives Lauren H. a rose.  Then they get a private concert!  Sort of.  It's a harpist on the street, but they are his only spectators and make-out while he performs, so same difference.

The cocktail party brings DRAMA and we're set up for the most DRAMATIC episode EVER next week!  The girls are asking Amanda about her daughters and if her shitty ex gets to see them and Olivia thinks it's a good time to share her bad taste in TV by stating "I feel like it's an episode of teen mom."  The girls all take offense at this and Emily decides she has to do something and tells Ben how mean Olivia is and cries.  She then calls her twin and cries to her about how Olivia's the worst, which she kind of is.  Surprisingly, unlike in every season before, Ben doesn't get rid of the snitch (yet), but says "if someone's causing Emily pain, she's not the woman for me."  Ben is concerned, and the rest of the girls corroborate Emily's "Olivia's a bitch" story.

It's rose ceremony time, but first, Ben wants to talk to Olivia.  The girls looked surprised but hope he breaks the rules and takes away her rose.  Then we get our first, and hopefully our last, "To Be Continued..." of the season.

The Mouth is back

I don't even know.

What even are you, Olivia?

"We're in it to twin it"

It's time for the girls to leave LA and start the exciting travel part of the show, which begins in... Las Vegas.  "It's a place where people do get married," Ben says, and you can't argue with that.  "It's a place where people fall in love," Ben continues, and that seems incorrect.

JoJo gets the first Vegas one-on-one date, and it's pretty cliche and boring.  Champagne, check. Helicopter, check.  "Opening up" about "feelings" and "past relationships," check.  Fireworks, check.  Kissing while watching fireworks, check.  The only interesting part of the date was when no one had remembered that helicopters create wind, and their table of champagne violently fell over.

The girls initially laugh watching the helicopter arrive and terrify Ben and JoJo, but then they make out cowering behind their fallen table and everyone feels awkward.  We get a hint of the crazy Olivia to come, as we hear how confident she is about Ben and how nothing can shake that, until she freaks out when she sees "her husband" kissing JoJo.

The group date in Vegas is in true Bachelor fashion: make the girls compete in something embarrassing in front of a lot of people.  They get to perform a talent show as an opening act for some ventriloquist named Terry Fator.  Jennifer says she "[doesn't] think many people have talents here," and she's mostly correct.  The twins preform a choreographed Irish jig and Jubilee's not bad on cello, but the rest of the "talents" were cute and tame like juggling, hula hooping, or singing a song about Ben while wearing a chicken suit.  And then we had Olivia.  We got to watch like 10 minutes of her confidently bouncing around saying how she's not afraid to be embarrassed and how she's going to marry Ben, only to do an embarrassing and awkward stripper/showgirl inspired act, complete with jumping out of a cake.  She's mortified (as is everyone else) and has a self diagnosed panic attack where she hides in the Boyz II Men green room and complains that with that "dance" she might not be marriage material.  Personally, I think the whole cankle fiasco from last week was what makes you not marriage material, but sure, let's worry about an embarrassing dance in Vegas.

Literally everyone during Olivia's performance.

Anyway, the evening portion is upon us and Caila is the first to jump on Ben- literally.  He calls her a "tigress" and a "sex panther" and remember this is a girl who broke up with her boyfriend to maybe get the chance to date a guy she saw on TV.  Olivia steals Ben to apologize for being so embarrassing, snap a lot, and say she needs to drink heavily, which I hope is what Ben was doing to get through the evening of awkwardly trying to comfort Olivia when he'd rather have that sex panther back.

Lauren B. gets the group date rose.

End Scene.

Now it's time for Becca's one-on-one!  She is given a wedding dress and driven to a chapel in a pink Cadillac.  Jubilee notes "she's the perfect person to wear white."  Because she's a virgin (and thanks to Kaitlyn from his time on the Bachelorette, we know Ben is not- which they actually discuss on their date).

They don't actually put that wedding dress to use, but instead officiates some Vegas weddings (Ben conveniently got ordained online), and then drink at the Neon Museum and talk about Becca's virginity.  They tell each other cutesy vows about being honest and fun, they kiss, and Becca gets a rose.

Normally we would get  a rose ceremony at this point, but instead there's a surprise two-on-one date!  Or should I say, a twin-on-one date!  Ben takes Haley and Emily (who we still can't tell apart) to their mom's house with all their dachshunds and then leaves Haley there.

The rose ceremony is unremarkable, except Olivia steals Ben twice to act super insecure and weird.  Ben seems uncomfortable and kisses her to make her go away and then Olivia talks in the third person about how she's back in the game.  Ben still gave her a rose- albeit the last one, to which Olivia said he saved the best for last and everyone else said NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Girls we lost this week:

Haley, who did weirdly still have framed photos of her ex in her room;

Amber, for whom third time was not a charm and maybe should just try Tinder or something;

and Rachel, who now has no boyfriend AND no job.

No more weird twin moments this season =(

"The drama is over." -a very mistaken Ben

To set the stage for this week's dramatic episode, we see a couple of girls complaining about Olivia.  "I think that she's, like, not a nice girl."  Ooooh, harsh, Amanda.  A few dozen "likes" later, we move on to Ben's one-on-one date with Lauren B.

"Dang, you're cute." -Ben

good try with that kiss through the headsets, guys.

Ben takes Lauren B. on a aerial tour of LA, and Lauren B., the flight attendant, is nervous about getting into an airplane.  And what better destination for their little plane, than an empty field with a hot tub?  And surprise, surprise, they end up making out in said hot tub.  Later, during the dinner portion of the date, Lauren B. shares that she like yards like her dad, and Ben shares a touching story about his dad's heart problems.  They kiss and Lauren B. gets the rose.  And not to be outdone by Caila's date, we have private concert number two: some country band no one's ever heard of.

Speaking of Caila, she's back at the mansion crying to JoJo because she's just now realizing that this is a different kind of dating situation.

"I have zero ball handling skills." -Lauren H.

Shockingly, they're not very good at this game.

Anyway, we get a group date where the girls get to literally compete for time with Ben.  Alex Morgan and Kelly O'Hara of US Women's National Soccer Team are here to teach the girls some soccer!  It's stars vs stripes with each team getting a twin.  They play some bad soccer and the stripes win it in sudden death and so get to wine and dine with Ben.  To no one's surprise, Olivia whisks Ben off immediately and the other girls sit around and make fun of Olivia's toes.  Olivia does not get the group date rose this time, however, because Amber made a move and got a kiss.

"I'm obsessed with hot dogs." -Jubilee

Jubilee is not convinced she wants that in her mouth.

Jubilee gets the second one-on-one date this week, and she and Ben also take to the skies, but this time in a helicopter.  They go to a super fancy mansion, eat fancy foods (Jubilee spits out caviar and neither of them know what a fig is), and spend some time in the hot tub.  At dinner, they talk about some deep and emotional stuff regarding Jubilee's past, and Ben tells her she's a strong woman and pauses in a way I thought could segue to "so why are you on such a degrading show," but no, Ben offers up a rose.

"It's insane to me.  It's literally insane." -Lauren H

What I was doing watching this whole episode.

It's cocktail party time and the girls are riled up because apparently they've lost all ability to detect sarcasm.  Jubilee is awkward and makes jokes when she's uncomfortable and everyone's taking it the wrong way.  But more on that in a minute.  Ben arrives with some sad news: two of his family friends were killed in a plane crash.  So, who else but good ol' Ben-stealing Olivia whisks him off to comfort him, because she, too, has a devastating tale.  Through tears she tells Ben that she has...cankles. I have no idea what planet you come from, Olivia, but your insecurities about the looks of your lower legs is not the best topic of conversation for someone who's suffered a loss.  Oof.

Moving on, Jubilee comforts Ben with a massage and that is the last straw.  The girls try to stage an intervention and Jubilee ends up in the bathroom, crying.  The intervention totally backfires for the girls, as Ben swoops in and takes Jubilee's side.  Just when Ben thinks there will be no more drama for the night, Lace asks to chat.  The rest of the girls look shocked, but rather than an incoherent drunk speech, Lace informs Ben that this isn't a good fit for her and that she needs to heed the words of her tattoo and learn to love herself.  Meanwhile, Olivia babbles about how Ben is 100% her future husband because when he hugged her, "he just squeezed [her] waist a little bit," and isn't that just the definition of a hug?

Girls we said goodbye to this week:
Lace, magically redeeming herself as a person by going home on her own to work on herself;
Jami, who, at 23, has figured she might as well give up and start buying cats;
And Shushanna, who all we know about her still is that she's fluent in Russian.

To conclude:

Elan Gale is a producer of the Bachelor, by the way.

"The most perfect bachelor on the planet of history"

Let's get dating!

Group date number one takes us to Bachelor High, which sounds like a trashy YA series featuring Ben, the attractive high school quarterback with a dark secret...

Anyways, the girls (Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace) team up to compete in vaguely high school inspired competitions to win the honor of being homecoming queen.  We also learn that Ben's best moments in life were his "first kiss and high school athletics."

First up: Science "class" where the girls make Ben's volcano explode.  But they don't actually learn any science because all the flasks are labeled with things like "trust" and "communication."  Jubilee and Lace are out because they couldn't find communication and also Lace hated school and wasn't very good at it and Jubilee called her Lacey the whole time because is Lace even a name?

Principal Harrison, here, to help you learn stuff good

Then we have "Lunch" aka bobbing for apples.  We learn that "Jackie's not great with her mouth, unfortunately."

Three teams are left for geography where all they have to do is place Indiana on a blank map of the United States.  They all pick the right shape, but Becca and JoJo somehow placed it on its side and therefore lose this challenge.

I mean, come on.

Lastly, we have gym, where the two remaining teams have to make a free throw.  Mandi and Amber win and have a hurdle race to see who gets to ride around the track in a car with Ben.  Mandi somehow leaves Amber in the dust and we see everyone frown as she gets a tiara.

Then there's the evening portion, and thank goodness, because there was weirdly no drama in the high school portion of the date.  Becca steals Ben first and shows off her hoop skills while Ben blames his shirt for missing easy shots.

Jennifer gets the first kiss after a very short conversation.  Jubilee gets the second kiss after revealing she was an orphan in Haiti.  JoJo gets the third kiss on a heli pad.  And this whole time Lace is freaking out and making all the girls dislike her while insisting she's not crazy.  "Fuck these bitches," Lace says while stealing Ben for a second conversation and reinforcing everyone's dislike.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, we are introduced to Olivia's mouth, and dear god, please keep that thing shut, girl!

this is horrifying

 just terrifying.

JoJo gets the group date rose and now we're onto the first one-on-one date, which is a shameless plug for Ride Along 2, some new Ice Cube and Kevin Hart movie.  And I guess it's also some time for Ben to get to know Caila.  When asked the most romantic thing they've ever done for a women, Ice Cube says, "I married one" and Kevin Hart says, "I cooked fried chicken one time in a crock pot,"  so you know they're going to take Ben and Caila on a good date.

Ben, Caila, Kevin Hart, and Ice Cube take a ride and Ben starts out with the hard-hitting question to Caila: "What's your favorite color?"  Kevin Hart and Ice Cube proceed to buy liquor and condoms for Ben and then take him and Caila to the first hot tubbing of the season... in a sketchy hot tub store.  And if that wasn't weird enough, Kevin Hart skinny dips in the hot tub with them until Ice Cube very scriptedly convinces him to leave the love birds alone.

Kaitlyn's Irish "funeral" is still the weirdest date ever, though.

Back at the mansion, Amanda misses her kids and skypes them on a phone with a blurred out logo because without the apple, no one can tell that's an iPhone.

Caila's date ends with our first private concert: Amos Lee.  She exclaims that there's "no way a snowball's chance in you-know-where that Ben is unlovable."  Either Caila's really that clean-mouthed, or she didn't get the memo like Lace did that they'll just bleep out your curses.  Though I'm pretty sure you can say "hell" on TV.

Group date number two takes Shushanna, Amanda, Samantha, Olivia, and the twins to a totally legit science laboratory to see if Ben has literal chemistry with any of them.  Clearly the twin trope was getting boring, because the twins decided to further the dumb blonde stereotype in this episode with gems like "don't put the blonde on this date" and "I'm not very smart."  And as if Olivia and her mouth needed the ego boost, she "won" the love tests, while poor Samantha was told she smelled sour and scored the lowest.

Olivia and Amanda get kisses in the evening portion.  Amanda tells Ben about her two daughters and Ben apparently thinks Amanda "makes so much more sense now."  Much to everyone's chagrin, Olivia gets the group date rose and gloats about not knowing what a rose ceremony is as if she doesn't still have to stand around for hours with the other girls watching exactly what a rose ceremony is.

At the cocktail party, Ben makes rose barrettes for Amanda's kids, Ben gives Lauren B. a picture of them from night one, Olivia ruffles some feathers by stealing Ben when she already had a rose, and Lace reprises her role as "girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party."  Because no lesson was learned from night one, Lace drinks to much and tells Ben yet again that she's not crazy and then launches into a speech about how she was an ugly kid and "tell[s Ben] one of the pictures" where she looked dorky.  Ben looks like a trapped animal when Lauren B. mercifully saves him and Lace storms off to whine about how she hasn't had anytime with Ben right after having time with Ben.

Then the rose ceremony.  The girls who went home were:
LB, who was offered a rose but *gasp* did not accept and left on her own
Samantha, who just didn't have a good enough odor for Ben
Jackie, who, well, wasn't great with her mouth
Mandi, which just goes to show that being Homecoming Queen is only great when you're actually in high school.

Fingers crossed we get tears next week!

Make it stop!

All about the Benjamin

And we're back!  With the perfect (yet thinks he's unlovable) Ben at the helm, 28 girls show up to the bachelor mansion ready to embarrass themselves on national tv find love.

I could go through all of the limo entrances, but let's just cut to the good stuff:

Because insecurity and wine is always a good idea

Lace aka SNL's girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party (if you haven't see it, look it up- Cecily Strong is great).  While managing to act fairly normal around Ben (if you call kissing him with his eyes closed and then asking for another kiss later normal), drunk Lace shares her internal monologue constantly.  Things we learn:  she hates the giant rose hat girl, she thinks thinks she way prettier than everyone else, she likes white wine, she's super insecure, and eye contact is really important in her life.  After she miraculously pulled through with the last rose of the night, she confronted Ben because apparently he didn't make eye contact with her during the rose ceremony.  Ben has no idea what she's upset about because she got a rose.

Other ladies who got a rose are:
Haley and Emily, the twins, who are just perpetuating all the terrible stereotypes of twins
Caila, who broke up with her boyfriend because she though someone on TV was cute
Becca and Amber, who both from Chris Soule's season (Becca made it to the top three and is a virgin, Amber didn't make it far in Chris' season or in Bachelor in Paradise, so maybe third time's a charm?)
Mandi "I am the first impression rose," who is a weird dentist from Portland
Jubilee, a war veteran, who seems like a front runner despite the fact that statistically she won't last long as a black person on this show
Lauren, three of them, actually
Shushanna, who spoke Russian the whole time
Olivia, the news anchor form Texas who got the first impression rose
Jami, who is from Canada so obviously knows Kaitlyn
Leah, Samantha, Amanda, Jackie, JoJo, Rachel, and Jennifer.

At least they showed up night one,
 unlike a certain Nick V we all love to hate

The girls who went home were:
Isabel, who wore pajamas and lead with the line "you're the onesie for me"
Maegan, who brought Lil' Sebastian
Tiara, the chicken enthusiast who got an intro segment but was barely seen at the cocktail party
Laura, who apparently has the nickname Red Velvet, but other than that seemed pretty normal (redheads never seem to make it past night one- I guess Bachelors are afraid of gingers)
Lauren R., who opened with "I stalked you on social media" as if A) no one else had her same skill of using the internet and B) that wasn't a creepy way to introduce yourself to someone
Breanne, who not only made sure Ben knew she didn't eat gluten, but made him help her destroy some delicious looking baguettes because "Gluten is Satan"
Jessica, who I know literally nothing about, except that she's a brunette because Ben kept all the blondes.

Stock up on wine and get ready for tears, kisses, bikinis, a black eye, and more tears!  It's Bachelor season!