"I like him so much but I'd like to choke him"

And we're still in New Orleans at the beginning of this episode.  The big cliffhanger from last week was what was going to happen when Taylor returns to interrupt Nick and Corinne's evening.  Which was nothing, really.  Taylor talked to Nick and told him Corinne is lying about all kinds of stuff, and we get to hear Corinne call Taylor a bitch for the thousandth time.  Nick responds to Taylor with something to the effect of, "uh huh, yeah, sure, I respect you but still need to figure out things for myself."  Translation: "I just need to keep Corinne around until the fantasy suites and I didn't see us getting married so..."

Time for the cocktail party, except, no, wait, Nick's made up his mind and we're going straight to the rose ceremony!  The girls act shaken, but it's not like the cancelled cocktail party doesn't happen every season around this time.  Alexis, Jaimi, and Josephine go home because they have zero relationship with Nick and were just kept around for entertainment (Alexis), a potential gay story line (Jaimi), and a friend for Corinne (Josephine).

Now we head to the island of St. Thomas.  Nick meets the girls on a dock just to whisk Kristina away on a one-on-one date.  They're all a little bummed, but especially Jasmine, since she thought it should be her turn to get some time with Nick.  The girls sit around their hotel room while Vanessa shares this fun fact about how the island used to be owned by Denmark, but has been owned by the US for almost exactly 100 years!  None of the girls are interested.  But then there's a knock on the door and a woman named Lorna walks in and says she's basically their maid.  Corinne lights up at this because her plan for the day of staying in bed and drinking champagne can now include sitting by the pool and having a St. Thomas version of Raquel bring her pina coladas and lobster dip!

Let's go to Nick and Kristina's date for some adult conversation.  Kristina shares with Nick her backstory: she was living in extreme poverty with her mom in Russia, was kicked out when her mom got mad, spent much of her childhood in a Russian orphanage, and then was adopted by an American family.  It's an incredibly heart wrenching story that I can't do justice on a blog I created to judge people.  Nick didn't know how to respond considering his usual response to the girls' sob stories is to talk about getting dumped on TV twice, and that just wasn't going to cut it here.  So she gets the rose, and they make-out surrounded by drummers and dancers they just happen upon.

Time for a group date!  Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., and Jasmine go drink and play beach volleyball.  Then it seems like they skip some major plot points, because all of the sudden, everyone is upset and not wanting to continue to play volleyball.  We only see one conversation, with Nick and Jasmine, where Jasmine confronts Nick about not noticing her and tells him she wants to choke him.  Realizing this isn't a great thing to say, she tries to make it a sexual joke and mimes choking him and says the word choke way too many times.  Nick is clearly uncomfortable.  Then we see shots of the girls crying and sitting morosely on the beach, and Nick staring out to sea, discouraged.

Luckily, Nick has the evening to try to salvage this date, but it doesn't really work.  All of the girls tell him it's difficult and today sucked.  Jasmine brings up choking him again and he sends her home.

So with that to set the mood, Nick heads into a two-on-one date with Whitney and Danielle L.  It is the shortest date in Bachelor history.  He briefly talks to them individually and then sends Whitney home.  He and Danielle L. head out in a helicopter and leave Whitney alone on the deserted beach.  Danielle L. informs us she is "inches away from falling off that cliff" of falling in love.  At dinner, Nick lets Danielle L. babble until she admits she's actually falling off that cliff and then sends her home.

Nick feels shitty for sending these lovely ladies home, and goes to visit the six women who somehow still want to marry him to cry about having to break up with hot girls.  He leaves them all a little freaked out and we get another goddamn to be continued ending.

post script: sorry for the lack of visuals this episode recap.  I will, however, leave you with this shot of the girls talking about Nick in bed at the hotel with an artistic perspective made, I'm sure, to include empty wine bottles:

Whipped Cream and Lies

We start this episode right back in the Corinne-Taylor drama.  Corinne is calling Taylor all sorts of mean things to the camera (dumb bitch, disgusting, idiot, stank face, to name a few), and even though she pulled Taylor aside to confront her, tried to turn herself into the victim.  They argue- Taylor trying to use reason against Corinne, which is just futile.  Corinne is accusing her of being a bully and being condescending and rude to all the other girls, which you know isn't true because the Bachelor producers love airing anything that causes drama and we've seen none of this.  We also know this isn't true because Corinne is insane.  Corinne then goes to Nick and tells him a bunch of horrible things about Taylor, which apparently Nick takes as maturity on Corinne's part.  Corinne uses such compelling arguments as "She thinks she's entitled to whatever she's entitled to."

Time for the rose ceremony!  Thanks to the promise of a fight to the death two-on-one date with Taylor and Corinne, we know neither of them are going home tonight despite the producers best suspenseful music. Instead, Sarah and Astrid go home, presumably because they are nice, drama-free girls.

The rest of the girls head on to New Orleans!  Alexis is excited because she "like[s] gators, grits, and a good time."   Chris Harrison comes to break the news of the date situation this week:  a one-on-one, a group, and a two-on-one date.  They girls talk about how awful it would be to go on a two-on-one and speculate on who will go as if they don't all see how painfully obvious it is that Corinne and Taylor will be going on that one.  But before we are forced to watch that train wreck, we get to see an incredibly pleasant date with Rachel.

Is it too early to say #RachelforBachelorette?

Rachel and Nick wander around New Orleans trying on masks, eating oysters and beignets, and getting to join a Second Line.  During dinner in what appears to be a warehouse filled with parade floats, they talk about family.  Nick tells Rachel about his insecurities with asking two girls' parents for permission to marry him and how he'll probably be asking three more.  Rachel says she likes that he's being open and vulnerable about things all of America already know.  Rachel's going to go far, though.  Nick asked if he'd have to call her dad, a federal judge, "sir" and then says "I might be breaking rules here, but I'm super into you."  She get's the rose (duh), and says "I don't believe in fairy tales, but I believe in today, and today was a fairy tale," which I'm pretty sure is a false statement based on conditional probability or something.

Nothing says romantic like a fake-spooky game

The group date goes to a haunted plantation where a bad actor named Boo pretends to be the housekeeper and informs five ladies and Nick that a kid named Mae died of yellow fever and terrorizes people because she just wants her doll.  Raven says "I did not sign up to be one of the Ghostbusters.  If I see one, I'm going to rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus."  All of the girls admit to believing in ghosts except for Jasmine, who tries on a hat in the dead girl's room and can't even be bothered to learn her name (she calls her "Molly or Mary or whatever").  They get drinks and cheers to Mae and then pull out a Ouija board.  Once they ask some dumb questions about who Nick is going to pick (as if the spirit world cared), they ask about Mae and suddenly spooooooky things start happening while they look around the house.  Nick talks to some of the girls and Raven accidentally tells him she loves him.  Danielle M gets the rose.

Back at the house, 31 year old Rachel is stuck with 23/24 year old Taylor/Corinne playing therapist.  Corinne deals with her nerves by ordering a shit ton of room service and taking a bubble bath with champagne.  Taylor meditates.  Corinne lectures us on how there are different kinds of "intelligency", and how hers is more colorful than Taylor.  She also says "No votes for Taylor.  Make America Corinne Again," and she is getting less amusing and more annoying by the minute.

This may be the most dramatic date this season...

... but it still doesn't beat the Ashley I/Kelsey 2-on-
date in the Badlands during Chris Soules season

Nick takes Taylor and Corinne into the bayou for some voodoo stuff.  They get their cards read by a tarot reader who was clearly filled in on the drama before the date.  Corinne gets to speak to Nick first and spends the whole time bashing Taylor.  Taylor decides to not spend her time with Nick talking about Corinne, but that's all Nick wants to talk about.  Corinne, meanwhile, asks the tarot reader how to make a voodoo doll specific to a person, which is not subtle at all.  Corinne and Taylor are then briefly left alone, and Taylor questions her being able to run a multi-million dollar business, and Corinne doesn't actually defend herself on this point!  Taylor then says Nick is smart and observant and you know she's going home because Nick is neither of those things even when half of the other girls have complained about Corinne to him already, and yet none of them seem to have a problem with Taylor.  Earlier, Taylor said "if Nick gives Corinne the rose today, he's thinking with his dick," which he so obviously is!  He's only keeping Corinne around because he wants to sleep with her.

So Corinne gets the rose, and she and Nick boat off- her clutching both a rose and a voodoo doll.  Taylor wanders through the woods back to the voodoo folk who "cleanse" her or something, so she can go back to the city and cause a bit more drama before she leaves.  We get to see the beginning of Nick and Corinne's dinner where Corinne is still talking about how awful Taylor was.

Taylor says (as she walks in to disrupt this dinner) that "Corinne cares about Corinne and I give her credit because she gets what she wants [...it's] very toddler-like," which sounds a lot like a certain public figure now attempting to run the country....

Tune in next week for (hopefully) the last of this drama!

"Bubbly Little Dumbo"

Yet again, we begin this episode with the end of last episode.  The girls are confronting Nick about Corinne, and a couple of them even confront Corinne.  Sarah tells Corinne she's acting privileged, to which Corinne, who lives with her parents and inherited a "multi-million dollar business," says that she's "not privileged in any way, shape or form."  But because she makes such good tv, Nick is required to keep Corinne on, and gives her the very last rose, just so she knows her time is almost up. Girls who go home are Brittany, because we still haven't learned who she is, and Christen, because she's a virgin, probably.

After the rose ceremony, Corinne says, "I feel like we're all privileged" and then gives a rambling toast while everyone else looks uncomfortable.

And now time for a new day!  Chris Harrison tells they girls they are about to travel the globe with Nick!  First stop: the exotic Milwaukee, WI!!  Which is really only exciting because they get to see Nick's hometown.  First stop for Nick, is meeting with his parents in a Coffee shop.  Nick's mom cries the whole time and Nick's dad says "we don't want to see you on this show again."

They just want this madness to end, Nick!

Nick shows up at a park where all the girls are watching ducks to whisk Danielle L. off on a one on one  date.  The date consists of a tour of all of Nick's old make-out haunts.  They make cookies with Nick's face on them ("Nickerdoodles") and then just happen to run into one of Nick's ex-girlfriends who just happens to be mic-ed up and ready to have an incredibly awkward sit down with Nick and his date.

That evening, they go hang out in a bar, and Nick says he wants to really get to know Danielle L.  He wants to know things like when she last went grocery shopping in sweatpants- you know, the important things you need to know when picking a wife.  Danielle L. does share that her parents got divorced when she was 17 and it was really hard on her.  It made her afraid of marrying the wrong guy and says she doesn't want to rush into marriage.  So she came on a show that might as well be named "Who Wants to Rush into Marriage?"  Then we see why Danielle L. was picked for this date: they go to a country concert and she already has practice with slow dancing and kissing in front of a large crowd.

Time for a group date!  Everyone except Danielle L. and Raven meet up with Nick at a farm.  They're going to do farm chores!  The girls are given boots and gloves and feed cows hay, milk cows (Jaimi unsurprisingly shows Nick up on this chore), and shovel manure.  None of them are thrilled to be getting dirty ("it smells like cows and nature.  Cows and nature smell like poop"), but they all throw themselves into the tasks with enthusiasm.  All except, and now here's a shocker, Corinne.  Corinne is not having it.  In her own words:  "I don't want to do chores, let alone farm chores.  what the fuck is a farm chore?  I don't even make my nanny do farm chores.  Raquel is better than farm chores.  She works for me."  She claims she lost circulation in her hands and sulks around outside. She just wants to eat a taco!  Or sushi!  I think in these scenes, the word poop has been said more times than in every other Bachelor/Bachelorette episode put together.

They do this every season:
no girl who comes on this show is good with dirt!

That evening, Corinne is still complaining about the poop, except she's now drank enough to not be able to keep her "adult" facade on and calls it poopy.  Nick has some conversations with the girls, but we mostly get to see the girls talk about Corinne.  Corinne is starting to think maybe the other girls don't love her.  She gives a speech to the camera: "I'm a corn husk.  You have to peel the layers off and then in the middle is this luxury yellow corn with all these little pellets of information and it's juicy, buttery.  You want to get to that corn.  Nick needs that corn."  Her metaphor is all over the place.  Also, she should take a lesson from Ashely S. from Chris Soule's season about layers- you're supposed to use an onion metaphor, not corn.

Corinne decides to confront all the girls and tells them they should come to her if they have a problem.  They go, sure, here's some questions you "purple bouncy pink house."  Corinne is not happy they did what she said and aired their grievances directly to her.  Sarah asks, "Do you think you're genuinely ready to marry a 36 year old man?"  Which is actually a great question, considering at least five of the remaining ladies aren't technically in Nick's dating pool.  They bring up her napping, which she defends by saying both Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln napped, so THERE.  A few other girls talk to her individually and Corinne straight up won't listen.  "Look, the name of the game is trust no one," Corinne says, and I think she's forgotten what show she's on because the name of the game is actually "rush into marriage."  Anyway, she goes to Nick and tells him she talked to the girls and solved all the problems.  Nick says cool, and Corinne still finds something to throw a fit about: "It was more like an adult convo.  We didn't kiss, which is weird."  I am beginning to believe the fan theory that Corinne is just a kid trapped in a 24 year old's body.

Let's move on to the second one on one date!  It's with Raven, and Nick takes her to his younger sister's soccer game.  Raven also gets to meet Nick's parents.  Nick's dad asks about Raven's name, and we learn that her mom wanted the name Raven, but her dad was like, no way, that's a weird name.  But when she was born with black hair, he said fine, she looks like a raven, name her after a bird.  After the soccer game, Raven and Nick join Bella and her team for some roller skating.  Bella and Raven chat while Nick keeps skating by making faces.  Bella likes Raven and says she really wants a sister-in-law.  Is that because you grew up with brothers and having a sister around would be nice?  Oh wait, you have five sisters, you just want Nick to stop making you go on tv for ratings.

Bella has been involved in this franchise for a quarter of her life.

That evening, Nick and Raven have dinner and skate around an empty art museum.  Raven says it's great both of them have non-divorced parents, as if that gives them a special connection.  They then talk about how Raven's last relationship ended when she kicked down the door to find her boyfriend in bed with another woman.  And just in case it wasn't clear what they were doing, Raven informs us she "know[s] what her vagina looks like."  Raven proceeds to beat up the cheating boyfriend with a stiletto so, uh, now she's here.

The cocktail party this week was just a set up for next week's two-on-one date with Taylor and Corinne.  Taylor tells Corinne she doesn't have emotional intelligence,  and Corinne says (I'm paraphrasing), "fuck you bitch, I run a MULTI MILLION DOLLAR COMPANY"

To be continued...

I may have a problem

I realized today that this must be what I must sound like when I talk about The Bachelor/ette (skip to around 1:45 if you want to skip the set up).



I even checked out a couple of Bachelor podcasts recently (which I only listened to while running, so I feel like I balanced that vice out).  BUT then I referenced one of those podcasts in a conversation!  Like, I admit to people I not only watch this show, but I listen to podcasts about it!

PS if you are interested, the podcasts I've listened to are Here to Make Friends, a HuffPost's Bachelor recap podcast and they often have members of the Bachelor family on as guests and The Bachelor Pod, which is two couples, three of whom are comedians, recapping the show.  They are both a solid okay.

"Nick is back, alright!"

Thanks to a "To Be Continued..." at the end of last week's episode, we have to sit through yet another recap of the Liz Situation, a cocktail party, and a rose ceremony before I've been able to drink enough wine to care about who goes home.  Surprising only to Nick, the Liz Situation is hardly a situation considering Nick's past on the Bachelor and being known for, well, having sex.  Next up we see what really had the girls shocked and upset in all the previews: Corinne.  Corinne is in this to win it, and clearly thinks the way to do this is to continue to throw her boobs at Nick.  She comes out to talk to Nick wearing a trench coat, not at all subtly indicated she's wearing nothing else.  And if that wasn't suggestive enough, Corinne makes Nick lick whipped cream off the top of her chest.  Nick worries the other girls might see and judge him (like all of America is doing now), and practically jumps at the next person who walks by to steal him away.  Corinne has a meltdown because their "conversation" didn't go how she planned.  It appears the mix of sugar in  the whipped cream, alcohol, and crying really wears her out because Corinne then sleeps through the rose ceremony.  Hailey, Elizabeth, and Lacey don't get roses, which is fine by me considering I still have no idea who they are.

trying to create a "sexual, mysterious connection"

Onto a new day!  None other than boy band legends the Backstreet Boys visit the mansion to invite Danielle L, Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, and Corinne to be back up dancers for their show.  The girls scream and BSB sings a little acapella I Want it That Way and for once I'm actually jealous of these bimbos.  The chosen ladies go rehearse with Nick and you'd think that would be fun, but Corinne's on this date, remember?  She's not great at dancing so she doesn't feel pretty and isn't happy when not the center of attention.  The other girls have a blast.  BSB choose Danille L to get a special serenade with Nick, which sounds great, but really they awkwardly slow dance on stage while the boys sing I Want it That Way again and kiss while the rest of the girls watch uncomfortably.

Corinne really didn't have much to worry about, only two
of the group were decent dancers, and Nick was not one of them.

The evening portion of this date has one of the most amazing conversations on the Bachelor ever.  After Corinne chats with Nick about how she's bad at "planned dancing",  she takes a nap and then returns to chat with the other ladies.  She begins by announcing that she wants to get a boob job, but, like, just a little one.  Another girl agrees, but says she's waiting until after she has kids.  Corinne responds that she can't imagine taking care of kids considering she "can't even handle [herself]."  She follows that up with "I need to get Raquel ready for that."  The other girls ask who Raquel is, and Corinne tells them it's her nanny and she and Jasmine have this exchange:
J: Do you have kids?
C: no
J: Why do you have a nanny?
C: I'm a kid *giggle*
J: wait how old are you?
(she's 24)
She goes on to talk about how Raquel keeps her life together and "makes [her] cucumber and, like, vegetable slices" as well as "lemon salad" and "cheese pasta."  When the other girls ask if she knows how to do laundry, she replies that Raquel does it and says, "But you know what?  It makes her happy and I'm not going to stop a woman's happiness."  It makes me wonder if Corinne knows that a nanny is a paid position.  She also says "I miss Raquel so much.  I've had to do some big girl stuff; I don't like it" and I wonder just how much of Corinne's life Raquel does for her.

Danielle L receives the group date rose, but this doesn't worry Corinne since "Danielle L is beautiful, but that's really about all I see and not much more, unfortunately." ugh.

Vanessa is the lucky lady who gets a one-on-one date this episode and Nick takes her to fly in a plane that lets you experience zero gravity.  It actually looks amazing until Vanessa starts puking.  Nick handles this really well and even kisses her after she's done puking.  Now that is true love.  That evening, they talk about family and Vanessa reveals she almost didn't come on the show, but received a sign from her recently dead grandpa.  Nick gets so emotional about the whole process and cries because Vanessa is making him hopeful.  So that was... nice, I suppose.

Clearly kissing is the best use of weightlessness

Group date number two takes Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany, and Dominique to a track where they get to meet Olympic athletes Allyson Felix, Carl Lewis, and Michelle Carter.  They are there to compete in a "Nickathalon," which I'm guessing is a word Carl Lewis was not thrilled to say, though at least he didn't have to tell the ladies "the gold is Nick's heart" (poor Michelle).  The events are a long jump next to a cardboard limo, a javelin throw into a giant heart, high jump onto a picture of Nick and then three girls get to run the 100m dash to a giant ring and some hot tub time with Nick.  Astrid, Alexis, and Rachel get to compete in the dash, and Rachel clearly wins.  Unfortunately, she knocks over the ring which gets smashed, and Astrid bringing up the rear snatches up a piece to win the hot tub time.

I wonder where this giant shirtless Nick tarp ended up?

Evening arrives, and you'd think without Corinne, it will be drama free, but nope.  Dominique doesn't think Nick gave her enough attention, cries in the bathroom, and then confronts Nick, who sends her home.  Rachel gets the rose, but not until after she basically explains Stockholm Syndrome to Nick, and how she has it.

In a twist that happens around this time every. single. season., Chris Harrison visits the mansion to tell the girls the cocktail party has been cancelled, and instead they are having a pool party!  Everyone seems to be having fun until Corinne takes Nick to a bounce house that happens to be set up on the driveway and straddles him.  The other girls are not impressed and one by one relay their concerns about him validating Corinne's behavior.  Raven drops the nanny bomb on Nick and says "she didn't know how to clean a spoon."  Vanessa tells Nick she's not judging Corinne, but rather Nick's actions, which is a kind of new idea on the Bachelor: that the contestants can decide whether or not they like the qualities of the lead.

The episode ends here, so we'll have to wait until next week to see how Nick responds.

aaaand one more picture of the Backstreet Boys for good measure

"When I was talking to him, he was, like, listening"

This episode can be broken into two acts:
Act 1: The Corinne Show
Act 2: The Liz Situation

Act I
The scene opens in the Bachelor mansion where the girls patiently await the first date card, which reads "Always a bridesmaid..."

A dozen of the ladies get to participate in a wedding photo shoot with Nick!  Corinne says she's never been a bridesmaid and that "in [her] dream world, today [she] would just be marrying Nick."  To be clear, in her dream world, Corinne would essentially be marrying some guy she met at a party and drunkenly made-out with.  So anyway, the girls are given either themed wedding dresses or bridesmaids dresses and they begin doing funny wedding shoots with Nick and a photographer straight out of a cheesy 90s movie.  Corinne is thrilled because she got the "beach wedding" theme meaning she's wearing a bikini top and other girls are more modestly dressed in their gowns.  BUT OH NO, Brittany walks in with just a leafy bikini bottom (she got the Adam and Eve themed wedding shoot), and Corinne is not having it.  She pouts while the other girls cheer on and support each other- especially Brittany who is stuck wearing next to nothing on national TV.

So after some cute and fun wedding shoots, it's Corinne's turn, and she does not disappoint.  Not to be outdone by Brittany as Eve, she takes her's and Nick's tops off in the pool during the photo shoot.  And not to be outdone by herself, she suggests Janet Jackson-ing it and they do.  Corinne is just thrilled that Nick touched her "bare bosoms."  She continues to talk about her boobs: "no one has ever held my boobs like that," which isn't surprising considering Nick was holding her boobs in front of 11 of his other girlfriends on TV during a photo shoot, which I don't care how glamorous your life is, that probably hasn't happened before.  She continues this thought with "...no one ever will," which sounds a little ominous.

The evening portion of this date continued along this vein.  Nick seemed to at least start having nice conversations with the other girls, but then Corinne steals him away to make-out some more.  After Corinne steals Nick away from Taylor, Taylor decides she wants to finish her conversation with Nick and steals him back.  Corinne then goes on a rant about how she thinks it's rude.  She claims she goes about things very classy, and then switches into 3rd person: "The way she did it was very directed toward Corinne.  I'm like, Taylor, If you take a direct hit at Corinne, I'm going to say something."  She does say something, but that something was a weird passive-aggressive asking Taylor if she's okay repeatedly.  When that shockingly doesn't instigate a fight, she announces to the group that's things are going to get uncomfortable and that everyone just needs to be there for Nick and for them selves and that she would rather get Nick than friends out of this whole situation.  Then, to everyone's dismay, Nick gives Corinne the group date rose.  The girls start to wonder what Nick is looking for in a woman and whether or not they need to start taking their tops off for roses.

~Intermission~
Danielle gets the first one-on-one date.  They take a helicopter to a yacht with a hot tub, just to get some Bachelor date clichés out of the way.  In the evening portion, Nick "opens up" about being publicly dumped twice and Danielle M opens up about finding her fiancé dead from a drug overdose. As Lacey says, "like, I didn't even know girls were that nice," which actually makes me concerned about Lacey's friends.  Though she is quite nice, which is why we saw so little of this date: no good drama other than a tragic story.

Act II
The scene opens back at the Bachelor mansion.  Liz looks coyly around as the girls talk about how Corinne has already kissed Nick...

Liz is overanalyzing her past with Nick.  And by overanalyzing, I mean repeating that she met Nick at Jade and Tanner's Wedding and slept with Nick over and over and over again.  She finally decides she needs to tell someone besides every cameraman on the show and confides in Christen, who promises she won't tell anyone.  Spoiler alert: she tells someone.

For the second group date, Nick takes six ladies to The Museum of Broken Relationships, which statistically they will all be a part of soon when they fail to win a rose from Nick in the next few weeks.  They wander around looking at sad things people left behind after a break up, including the ring Nick picked out for Kaitlyn.  They then stumble upon a couple "breaking up" in the museum, when they are informed they will all have to break up with Nick in front of an audience.  They wander around getting inspiration and Liz tries to talk to Nick who is avoiding her.  The fake break-ups are amusing and awkward- Josephine even slaps Nick, and then we get to Liz.  She pulls out a prepared speech about how they met and shared a night and he broke her heart or something.  Christen is freaking out because she knows it's true, but the other girls are just confused.

That evening, Nick says he is living his nightmare.  To be clear, Nick's nightmare is dealing with 22 girls who want to fall in love with him and having already slept with one of them.  Anyway,  Liz's speech "definitely made [him] a little uncomfortable,"  but mostly because he's worried about her telling the other girls.  All of his fears come true when Christen tells him what Liz told her.  Nick goes to talk to Liz because he wants to know if she's here for him or just using a past relationship to get on TV (as if that's something he's never done).  She doesn't hold up well under questioning so he sends her home.  Nick decides he has to tell the rest of the ladies everything.  He tells the five remaining ladies on this date that he met her at a wedding and then, awfully bluntly for someone worried about the response, that "Liz and I had sex that night."

Fade to black.

Side Note: Christen would be the perfect audience member for After the Final Rose:

"My heart is in my ass now"

And we're off!  Nick's journey has began, and I am here and liquored up for the ride.

We begin with a recap of Nick getting shot down by two Bachelorettes and then straight into the shirtless shots to show he's "matured" since the start of his "journey" with this franchise.  Nick then gets teased/given advice by three former Bachelors: Ben Higgins (engaged to his pick Lauren Bushnell, with a boring reality show), Sean Lowe (married with a kid to his Bachelor pick Catherine), and Chris Soules (rich Prince Farming who didn't last very long with his pick, Whitney, and other than his good looks, it's unclear why he's here giving advice).  They all have beards and maybe half of them can pull them off.

Next up: introductory videos for a few of our bachelorettes (we also got some introductory videos in the "Countdown to Nick" pre-show, which I will include here):

• Corinne:  What to say about Corinne.  She has a nanny (for herself).  She makes her nanny fetch her bowls of cucumbers.  She runs a MULTI MILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS and she's not going to let us forget it.  She has a platinum vagine and is going to win Nick over with her sex abilities.  Her world is so glamorous she has to use third person.  She is not going anywhere if the producers have anything to say about it.
• Jasmine G. is a pro dancer currently with the Golden State Warriors (shout out to the Bay!)  she also gets to lose that G because *Spoiler Alert* the other Jasmine doesn't make it past night one.
• Kristina was a Russian orphan, and that story will probably keep her around one more week than she was going to originally last.
• Raven, unfortunately not of That's so Raven fame, is a country girl from Alabama where the only things to do are "go mudding, shoot guns, and read the bible."  Sounds like a blast.
• Rachel is an attorney from Texas (the new Andi, perhaps?), smart, and close to Nick in age (or as close as they get in this show), and I have nothing to work with to make fun of her.
• Hailey is apparently friends with Daniel from JoJo's season (aka the crazy Canadian who was maybe friends wth Chad when he wasn't comparing him to Hitler) because she's also Canadian.
• Christen is a virgin for faith reasons.  Her intro was a bunch of clips failing to mount a horse.  She is super excited to get married because then she can have sex because "God loves sex.  He created it" and guys, I can't make this shit up.
• Liz slept with Nick after Jade and Tanner's wedding (she was Jade's maid of honor) and then refused to give Nick her number.  This is literally all we will ever know about her, even if she lasts half the season.
• Danielle L. owns a bunch of nail salons or something.
• Vanessa is trilingual and teaches special education and is way to smart to be doing this.
• Josephine is from Santa Cruz!  I live in Santa Cruz!  Hey cool! Oh wait... Josephine is weird, has a cute cat, and is weird.
• Alexis is "like, obsessed with dolphins" and Nick "needs to love dolphins."
• Danielle M. works with babies and has kind of a baby voice.
• All I remember from Taylor's intro is that she's biracial and cool with it.

And now, what we've all been waiting for: the Limo Entrances!

Here are some highlights:

• Taylor seemed to think the best way to meet a guy you want to date is tell him all your friends think he's a piece of shit.
• Sarah decided to remind Nick of his runner-up status by literally running up the driveway.
• Jasmine G. brings out Neil Lane with some diamond rings so Nick would know right off the bat what her ring size is.
• Hailey tried to tell a joke: "what does a girl wearing underwear say?" the punchline?  "I don't know."
• Two girls talk to Nick in languages he can't understand: Astrid (German) and Vanessa (French).
• Josephine has an elaborate pun about Nick being a winner: "you're a weiner in my book" (she literally has a hot dog in a book).  She then asks if he wants to "lady and the tramp it" and they both take a bite out of an uncooked hot dog and it's gross.
• Lacey rides in on a camel and makes some humping jokes and the girls freak out because she's wearing a red dress and they're all wearing red dresses!  But, like, also she rode in on a live camel or something?
• Lastly, we have Alexis who shows up in stilettos and a shark suit but introduces herself as a dolphin and a great dolphin vs shark debate starts.  And by debate, I mean everyone one goes, she knows she's a shark? right? and Alexis keeps making dolphin noises.

Time for the cocktail party.  All the girls talk about how good looking and mature Nick has become since they first saw him on TV like eight years ago and also how they shouldn't have all worn red.  Corinne just goes for the villain label by stealing Nick away for a second conversation and then kisses him.  She is then shocked when she doesn't get the first impression rose.  Nick gives that to Rachel, someone he actually wanted to kiss.  Anyway, this portion is mostly girls freaking out about not getting time with Nick, calling Corinne a ho, and talking about the dolphin/shark girl.

Then 21 other girls get roses and further chances to embarrass themselves on TV.

Bachelorettes who will probably count their blessings for getting to go home night one after watching the rest of the season are:

• Angela because I literally don't know who that was, but she's on my list, so she was probably there
• Briana because she brought a stethoscope to listen to Nick's heart, which was more corny than any other introdcution I guess?
• Ida Marie because Nick probably doesn't understand that name
• Jasmine B. because we might as well only have one Jasmine
• Lauren because she said her and Nick's names together meant "disgusting slut" and I don't know why that pick up line fell flat
• Michelle because she made a joke about lemons
• Olivia because she's from Alaska and I guess it's too cold there for Nick
• Susannah because she offered him a massage but it was for his beard and that's just weird

So there you have it!  After the premiere, Nick went on Jimmy Kimmel and hung out with Kaitlyn and Andi, who both broke his heart on national television, because apparently that night wasn't awkward enough already.