"an alternative facts piece of garbage"

Yet again, we start this episode mid-rose ceremony.
In Summary:

• Lee gives us a classic villain moment with a "I'm not here to make friends"
• Dean explains to us the conflicts in the house by strongly implying that Lee is racist
• Kenny yells at Lee
• Rachel gets emotional
• Chris Harrison: "Good going, guys, Rachel is upset and we're going straight to the rose ceremony"
• Rachel sends two guys I couldn't remember existing and Diggy, with the great glasses game and a stellar bowtie, home.

And it's time to leave LA!  Rachel and her 15 boyfriends head to Hilton Head Island in South Carolina.  Dean gets the first one on one date, and he and Rachel get to take a ride in the Goodyear Blimp.  Of course Dean has a fear of heights, but overcomes it for Rachel, even taking a turn driving the Blimp.  They pass by the hotel where the rest of the guys are conveniently hanging out on the balcony, and the Blimp flashes the words "Rachel and Dean are in here" and "Rachel and Dean 4 ever."  Bryan pouts because Dean is 11 year younger than him and is afraid that's what Rachel wants.

In the evening portion of the date, Rachel and Dean sit under a tree amongst a whole lot of handing lights.  Dean shares a sad story of how his mom died of cancer when he was 15 and that his family sort of fell apart in the aftermath.  As a reward for being vulnerable, Rachel takes Dean to a typical bachelor concert where they stand on a platform while a crowd watches them and some b-list country singer croons.

For the group date this week, all of the guys except Dean and Jack Stone go on a boat ride with Rachel.  They have a freestyle rap battle, a push-up contest, and drink a lot.  Peter does the Titanic (I'm king of the world) bit, Rachel has a captains hat, and Josiah boasts about how great he is.  They dock only to find they are all participating in a Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee hosted by Chris Harrison and judged by some 10 year old girls.  It's vaguely entertaining and Josiah wins, only because he is given the word "stunning" while Anthony in second place had to attempt "boutonniere."    He gets a trophy that reads "Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee Champions" which he later drinks alcohol out of.

That evening we find out that Iggy still just wants to incite drama, this time with Josiah and not Eric.  Iggy and Josiah's fight seems pretty tame however, as Lee is determined to get Kenny riled up.  Kenny and Lee go outside to presumably have another heated argument.  I say presumably as we don't get to see what happens for it's time for another To Be Continued to appear on screen.

"It's not about winning, it's about the world, my brother"

We start this episode mid-cocktail party.  DeMario has returned, the men are riled up, and Rachel goes to talk to him.  DeMario makes a speech about making mistakes and how you can't have joy without pain and how he wants a second chance and that he told this to his Uber driver.  Rachel gives him a speech right back telling him he had the opportunity to be honest and that she's glad he learned that he needs to more forward, but "forward isn't that way into the mansion, forward is outside of it.

Rachel greets the rest of the guys.  One tentatively asks, "he's not coming back, is he?" to which Rachel answers with a resolute "fuck no" and everybody cheers.

Back to the party, Jonathan comes to talk to Rachel with ENORMOUS fake hands and somehow Rachel seems to enjoy this and feel comfortable around him.  She then talks to Alex and tells the camera how she's impressed because he was solving a Rubik's cube while they were chatting so that shows he's smart I guess?  But then he can't even finish it!  Anyway, she talks to some more men before sitting down with Lucas as asking him about his side of what Blake has told her.  Lucas says that maybe Blake just doesn't like him because he has a crush on him.  And if that wasn't a weird enough thing to say, he explains to Rachel that Blake watched him sleep while peeling and eating a banana.  Rachel doesn't know how to react to this, so she asks Lucas if Blake finished the banana.  Next, Rachel confronts Blake about it, and his response couldn't have been worse.  He says the claim is just ridiculous because for one, he would never eat a banana since he doesn't eat carbs.  And that Lucas sleeps in a room with like a dozen other dudes, so you probably would have heard about me watching him sleep already.  Note he doesn't actually deny watching Lucas sleep.

Rose ceremony time and neither Blake nor Lucas get roses.  Blake even manages to make his goodbye to Rachel about Lucas.  Some other guy doesn't get a rose either, but I've never seen him before and he doesn't get an exit interview because Blake and Lucas have the dumbest fight ever recorded outside the mansion.  It's so ridiculous, you should just watch it if you haven't yet.  Good riddance to both of them; I really hope they don't go on Bachelor in Paradise.

They've really outdone themselves this season with celebrity fans-
first Ashton and Mila and now Ellen!

Let's move on to Week 3.  The first group date takes Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, and Fred to the Ellen Show.  Rachel tells Ellen a little bit about the guys she brought.  Ellen greets Jonathan by tickling him, and he is never going to live his limo entrance down.  Ellen asks the guys what they think of Rachel admitting she's kissed one of them.  Bryan immediately says she's a good kisser, which Will seconds.  Jonathan asks when it's his turn.  Ellen then makes them all take off their shirts and dance in the audience while women put dollar bills in their pants.  Jonathan, unsurprisingly, is not a good dancer, while Alex seems like he would make a very excellent addition to a Magic Mike 3 movie.  Rachel looooves this, or in her words, "mama was pleased."  Next they play "never have I ever" with Ellen and we learn that Alex has peed in the Bachelor Mansion Pool and claims a nude photo he once sent to a girlfriend was "classy."  Fred, meanwhile, is getting more an more insecure because Rachel tells Ellen how he was a bad kid and he's nervous about how other guys are already kissing Rachel, but, like, he's wanted to kiss her for 20 years.  Let's skip ahead to the evening portion of this date where Fred does get to kiss Rachel, but only after a weird speech to ask if he can kiss Rachel.  This makes him very happy, but that elation is short lived because Rachel sends him home and gives Alex the group date rose.

Pretty tame, as far as dates go

Time for the one on one date this week.  She takes Anthony, a guy we've forgotten exists.  They ride horses down Rodeo Drive while fans yell at them from buses.  They go shopping and buy cowboy boots and hats, but never get off their horses.  It's kind of a weird date, but the evening portion is nice- they have dinner and then dance and make-out in front of a jazz quartet.

I honestly think this week's dates only purpose
was so Rachel could see all the guys shirtless.

The second group date is hosted by Rachel's "girls," Alexis, Jasmine, Corinne, and Raven.  They bring Brady, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack, and Eric on a party bus to a hokey salon filled with screaming women to mud wrestle.  Kenny the professional wrestler is annihilating the guys, except somehow loses to Bryce in the end.  Before heading off to the evening part, Rachel asks her girls what they think of her men.  They all like Dean, but aren't impressed with Eric.

In the evening, we learn a few things: Kenny was a Chippendale's dancer, Eric is super insecure, and Lee is a real snake in the grass (no offense to snakes).  Rachel gives the group date rose to Eric, though, because he reaaally needed the self esteem boost.

It's the cocktail party, and apparently it's the everyone hates Eric show now.  Iggy, having no real connection with Rachel, stays relevant by arguing with Eric and complaining to Rachel about him.  Lee is way too calm and gleeful about throwing Eric under the bus.  Aaaaand we end this episode with yet another "To Be Continued" after Eric starts screaming at everyone.

"White dudes acting crazy"

We start this episode with a montage of Rachel walking her dog, so you know it's going to be a good one.

Group Date #1: Rachel is looking for a trophy husband husband material

How to be a celebrity couple.

Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and Lucas get to join Rachel at a BBQ and then compete in a "Husband Material Challenge."  It should be fairly drama free except we get a "Lucas is garbage" right off the bat from Blake, whose insistence he's going to ruin this for Lucas is clearly going to be his downfall.

To help Rachel heckle the guys during the Husband Material obstacle course, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis join the show.  They ask the guys if they have health insurance and jobs, and when they all say yes, they give Rachel a high five.  Iggy asks if they're setting the bar too low, to which Mila replies, "Have you watched the Bachelor?"  Because she and Ashton sure have.  According to them, they heard there was a contestant that looked like Ashton, started watching, and were hooked (that contestant was Jared from Kaitlyn's season, by the way).

Anyway, the guys attempt the obstacle course and are terrible at everything causing Mila to literally fall on the ground laughing.  Lucas somehow wins despite basically drowning his fake baby in a sink and shoving Kenny out of the way.  He does the Whaboom thing for Ashton and Mila who react like all of us ("Why?").

During the evening portion of the date, Rachel has some lackluster conversations with the guys, which included a terrible poem by Lucas and Blake using his time with Rachel to complain about Lucas.  It comes out the Blake lived with Lucas's ex girlfriend and they have a weird argument.  Everyone else is a bit uncomfortable around them and don't seem to care about Lucas being annoying as much as Blake does.  "These white dudes are kinda bugging right now," says Kenny, providing us a nice alternative title for the show.

Dean then gets the group date rose and also a lot of lipstick smudged on his face kiss.

First One on One Date (or should I say, two on one date)

The perfect family.

Peter gets to take a private jet to Palm Springs with Rachel, but that's not even the best part.  The best part is that he also gets to spend the day with Rachel's adorable dog Copper who is not letting a cast slow him down.

#CopperForBachelor?

They go to BarkFest, which is basically a party where everyone brings their dogs.  They have a ton of fun and then have a nice dinner together where they actually seem to talk about real things (like how they have matching gap teeth and that therapy has really helped them in relationships).  Peter obviously gets the rose and they end the evening with a fireworks show.

Group Date #2: Swish
Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, and DeMario get to play basketball for Rachel.  And because apparently all of Rachel's friends are actually famous people, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is there to help judge the guys.  "Basketball is a good game to connect to romance," Kareem tells Rachel in a not at all producer-fed line.  His appearance is interesting considering he wrote an article pretty harshly critiquing The Bachelor (and then wrote a follow-up for Monday's episode).

After the guys run drills for a while, they are informed they will play a live game in front of fans, which we then see includes AJ, Adam's creepy doll, and a full high school marching band.  Based on previews and a few interactions so far, I know Lee will soon be my least favorite guy once the Blake-Lucas stuff is over, but I appreciated his comments during the game.  He was well aware that he sucks at basketball, but decided to just have fun and laugh and not freak out about it.  Luckily for him, everyone was playing poorly.  Lee describes it: "when it came to shooting, everybody was shooting [he pauses, realizing he was about to say blanks] just random shot bullets everywhere.  Just duds."  After an incredibly low scoring game, Lee, Alex, Adam, Will, and Eric are victorious.  They guys head to the locker room while Rachel chats with adoring fans.

The last fan to leave is a girl name Lexi, who tells Rachel DeMario ghosted her to come on this show and she found him out watching After the Final Rose.  Rachel is floored and goes to get DeMario.  The other guys are bummed because they think he's getting the group date rose.  DeMario's pumped until he sees Lexi.  He tries to be smooth and asks Rachel "who's this?"  Lexi says "Karma's a bitch, isn't it, DeMario," and you know she's been planning that sentence for a long time.  Lexi goes off and it's clear to DeMario he's not going to be able to play it off that he doesn't know her.  He spirals: "She's pyscho", "I met her many, many times ago", "This is personal life stuff", "I mailed those keys to your apartment".

Rachel grills both of them, and Lexi shows her texts from DeMario.  DeMario is trying so desperately and ineffectively to salvage his public image, but Rachel is having none of it.  "I'm really gonna need you to get the f*ck out" she says.  DeMario leaves in a van, Chris Harrison shows up to play psychiatrist, but Rachel blows him off and marches into the women's restroom.  She goes to inform the rest of the guys who are pretty shocked.  The evening is pretty uneventful; there's another poem, Alex sings at her poorly in Russian, Josiah gets the group date rose.

The Cocktail Party: Return of DeMario
Rachel lectures the guys about pure intentions and then they do normal cocktail party stuff like give her a massage, play with barbies, and have thumb wars.  Meanwhile, DeMario shows up and security is keeping him out.  He tells Chris Harrison that "someone from my past came up and assassinated my character."  Chris Harrison steals Rachel away, who is curious.  Fred and Lee eavesdrop on Chris and Rachel and immediately go round up the rest of the dudes to go outside after DeMario.  It's very Beauty and the Beast Mob Song-esque.  Then we get the first To Be Continued of the season.

Another picture of Copper for good measure.

P.S. These guys may be the smartest set of contestants this show has seen, but they somehow don't have a grasp on normal phrases (despite one of them using "duplicitous" naturally in a sentence).  A collection from this episode:

"The only leg I have to stand on are my two legs." - Lucas
"You can either sink with the fishes, or swim to shore." - DeMario
Rachel's "legging-tights [...] fit her body like a coca cola bottle." - Josiah

"This is a nightmare scenario" says guy in a self-inflicted scenario

Introductions

So it begins...

We start with the star, Rachel, of course.  We get to recap Nick breaking up with her on The Bachelor after she finally admits she loved him, evidence for Rachel that the show "works."  We then get to see her adorable dog with a broken leg, Copper, for not enough time.  What they want to make clear is that Rachel is serious and looking for a husband on this show, "like, this finger is ready," she exclaims, holding up her left hand.

We then get introduced to eight of Rachel's suitors.  What we learned:

Kenny is a pro-wrestler with an adorable 10 year old daughter.

Jack's mom died when he was in high school, so more on that story later at an advantageous time for him to stay one more week on the show.

Alex wants you to know that he's not only super ripped, but also a huge nerd!

Mohit loves Bollywood dancing with his large family.

Lucas (aka Whaboom guy) is literally the worst.

Blake E. said "I don't want to come across as the guy who talks about his penis..." and TOO LATE, creep.

Diggy has more shoes than pages in Moby-Dick.

Josiah's life could be a lifetime movie: tragic event in his youth, turned to crime, got arrested, turned his life around and now works in the legal system that arrested him and gave him a second chance.

Now it's time for Rachel to get ready for the big day: by driving up to the Bachelor Mansion in a Tesla to get advice from some other girls on Nick's season (Jasmine, Alexis, Corinne, Raven, Kristina, Astrid, and Whitney).  They have some generic advice and we move on.

The Limo Entrances

I mean, I love penguins, so I'd pick him.

We start off with Peter, who brings up Nick, since he is also from Wisconsin and wants to give Rachel a good experience with Wisconsin boys.  Rachel says "he's cute! we're off to a good start!"   And it's a good thing it's a good start, because it's a terrible end (last guy out of the limos is my least favorite contestant possibly of all time).  Josiah's up next with some lawyer puns, ending with "see you later, litigator," which actually made me smile.  Bryan talks to her in Spanish and she is instantly into him and I don't know why.  Then we have some generic entrances with Kenny, Rob, and Iggy, followed by Bryce who picks her up while we hear a voice over of how some of the men sweep her off her feet.  Will does a Steve Urkel impression, gets back in the limo, and comes out for a normal introduction.  Diggy makes a pun on his own name, hoping he's there to "teach [her] how to Diggy."  Kyle brings some Jamaican treat, which he pulls out after saying he wants to show Rachel his buns.  Blake K. tells Rachel his grandparents only dated for two months before getting married and have been together for 60 years, so he believes this could work.  Brady brings some ice out so he can literally break the ice.  At this point I'm not sure if Rachel legitimately loves corny jokes or if she's just really good at just going with everything with a smile.  This is why I couldn't be Bachelorette: I have no poker face.  Well, this and a thousand other reasons.  Next we have the four guys who already had a fake limo entrance at After the Final Rose, all of whom brought up those entrances: Dean, Eric, DeMario, and Blake E., the last of whom showed up this time with a marching band. 

We get a breather and Chris Harrison comes out to check in with Rachel, but not for long because we still have 15 more dudes to meet.

Fred brings his yearbook to show Rachel she's in it.  Rachel totally remembers him (she was his camp counselor) and exclaims "he was a very bad kid!"  Jonathan tickles her, but then his "occupation" is tickle-monster, so I'm not sure what I expected.   Lee comes out crooning with a guitar and hands her an enormous flower.  Alex dances up with a vacuum, a la Rachel in her intro video for Nick's season.  Milton takes a selfie with her.  Then Adam and Adam Jr. show up.  Adam Jr., or AJ, is a puppet that looks like Adam and it understandably creeps Rachel out.  Matt shows up in a penguin suit and tells Rachel how penguins mate for life, and seems pretty normal, despite the penguin suit.  Grant rolls up in a fire truck with sirens and everything (he's an EMT).  Anthony, Jamey, and Jack have unmemorable entrances.  Mohit holds her hands below his and says this will be the only time he has the upper hand in their relationship.  Jebediah says "when Jacob met Rachel, he wept," and I'm glad Rachel got the Bible reference because I sure didn't.  Michael tells Rachel "the blacker the brownie, the sweeter the dude," and I don't really know what that means but it sounds dirty.  Lastly, we get Lucas, who announces himself with a megaphone from the limo, his intro including the fact that one of his testicles is larger than the other.  He also calls himself Rachel's future husband.  He comes out wearing a shirt with his name on it and I have no idea how Rachel did not just send him home on the spot.  We still don't really know what "Whaboom" is other than him convulsing and yelling it over and over again.

Inside, the guys are joking about who the crazy one of the season is.  Lucas walks in and does his weird Whaaaaaabooom thing and they're all, yup, he's the one.  Token crazy guy.

No. Just, no.

Cocktail Party

The cocktail party commences- Josiah steals her away first.  Other guys are like "I didn't expect that!" and come on, you've all seen this show before.  The guys try to make an impression on Rachel.  The Adam puppet even gets his own contestant interviews, inexplicably in French.  As the night wears on, guys are getting drunker and more and more nervous about not getting time with her.  One guy can't believe the penguin guy has talked to her, but not the guy in the $2000 suit, come on!  Bryan not only manages to get time with Rachel, but aggressively kisses her, for a long time, and with lots of tongue.  It was uncomfortable to watch, but clearly Rachel is into him, because he gets the first impression rose and another kiss.  This second kiss is seen by a very drunk Mohit who points and goes "NOOOOOOOO!!!"

Meanwhile, Lucas is annoying everyone, but none more than Blake E, who tries to confront him about just coming on the show for attention.  To which he says, "I think that everyone has a little Whaboom in them," and Blake E responds, "I have no Whaboom in me."  Scintillating.

Anyway, it's rose ceremony time and all the guys are whining about how "devastating" it would be to be sent home and how they "can't live without" a rose.  Geez, and they say women can be dramatic.  The last rose of course goes to Lucas, and if that wasn't a producer pick, I don't know what Rachel was thinking.

Seven guys are sent home, and exit the mansion in clear daylight.  Milton cries because he doesn't get to show off all the outfits he brought.  Blake K. has the classiest exit of all time, saying that there are a lot of great guys there for Rachel, she and him aren't right for each other, but the right girl is out there for him!  Turns out, him leaving was his own choice because his grandfather was hospitalized and he flew to Hawaii to be with him, which just makes him going home that much worse- such a stand-up (and hot) guy, but instead we have to watch Whaboom for another week.

I mean, look at this guy!  Lives in SF and a war vet too!

31 Flavors

Contestant bios are up, and I read them so you don't have to!  Although I have to say they are more varied and interesting than usual, probably because they are older and smarter than usual since Rachel is older and smarter than most of the Bachelor family.  The men all seem to like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Denzel Washington and/or Elon Musk.  Most of them don't seem to realize that skydiving isn't that outrageous.  Most of them have real careers, and they are between the ages of 26 and 35.  Nine of them come from California, seven from Florida, four each from Texas and Chicago, then one each from Wisconsin, Connecticut, Tennessee, Las Vegas, Georgia, New York City, and Michigan.  No Canadians this season!

So without further ado, here is a tidbit about each of Rachel's suitors:

Adam's most embarrassing moment was telling his mom he was going on The Bachelorette.  Though I think it will change to when his mom reads his cast bio and finds out his idea of the most romantic gift he's received was a threesome on his birthday.
Alex has eaten a live salamander.
Anthony describes his favorite book "like a dream I don't want to wake up from."  I like Anthony.
Blake E. was engaged to "a crazy girl" for 48 hours and also hates cat people.
Blake K. wants to be The Rock, not because of all the cool stuff he does, but because he can pull off a fanny pack.
Brady like to tackle snowmen.
Bryan listed seven qualities when asked what his three best attributes were.
Bryce once caught a girl's hair on fire during sex.  Good thing he's a firefighter, amiright?
Dean has a tattoo on his inner lip.
DeMario claims that "when [he's] married with children [he] will own a pet lion and name him 'Denzel, the lion.'"
Diggy is apparently really into day drinking, so should feel right at home on this show.
Eric would like to live in a time "before money was involved," and I'm not sure that he knows that time is before the Stone Age.
Fred had a crush on his camp counselor when he was young, which is a boring fact until you learn that this camp counselor was Rachel.
Grant say's his favorite magazine is "Playboy? ;)"
Iggy says his three best and worst attributes are "Passionate, loyal, and witty" and I'm sensing this guy likes answering the "what are your biggest weaknesses" question in job interviews.
Jack Stone's favorite flower is a tulip because it's "basically, roses without thorns" and he's either never seen a tulip or never seen a rose.
Jamey does not have female friends, which seems like a red flag.
Jedidiah talked about how much he liked his trip to South Africa, in part because it "has very real problems like HIV and violence," and that's right, he a privileged white dude.
Jonathan has an ex-wife, and by the sound of it, waited until marriage to have "uneventful" sex.
Josiah says his worst date ever was being catfished, since the women turned out to be pregnant, and dude, that's not catfishing.
Kenny has a daughter and wants to live in Ancient Egypt.  Those two things are unrelated.
Kyle doesn't know what gluten is, but often orders gluten-free if it's on the menu.
Lee thinks he could somehow learn to make booze if he were stranded on a desert island with just "a hook, the right girl, and a fire source."
Lucas' ideal mate looks like one of these fictional white ladies who don't look anything like Rachel: Belle, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, or Jessica Rabbit.
Matt's worst date memory was a Tinder date since he realized online dating wasn't for him.  I feel like going on TV for a date will be much worse.
Michael played pro basketball in Bulgaria.
Milton thinks being romantic shows you're week, so it's really good he's going on a show where everyone's required to make fools of themselves for "love".
Mohit is going to dress up as gluten for halloween.
Peter likes Modern Family because it's hilarious and carefree, which makes me wonder if he's really seen it, because I get so much secondhand embarrassment from that show- hilarious, but not at all carefree.
Rob wants to be Superman, one reason being that he's "also a US alien, like me!" which I'm not sure is a witty way to say he's an immigrant or if he's trying to tell us he's not really human?
Will's worst date is "every tinder date ever," and again, going on a TV show to date a girl with 30 other boyfriends is much worse.

So that's who we get to meet Monday night!

Finale... Finally

Just in case I actually have a readership, I figured I should maybe recap the finale of Nick's season.

Still in Finland, Raven and Vanessa get to meet (well, re-meet in Raven's case) Nick's family.  Unsurprisingly, the family likes both of the women.

Vanessa gets the first last one-on-one date with Nick.  They go horseback riding and then are way to excited about meeting Santa Clause, who gives them a wood carving that vaguely resembles the two of them.  Vanessa says "it's nice to hear Santa Clause believes in a future between Nick and I," as if Santa wouldn't have said that to any couple who he presumably gets paid to act jolly for.

Vanessa and Nick then have a discussion they both leave unhappy with.  Vanessa says she's not comfortable if Nick chooses her just because it's a slightly better relationship than one he has with someone else, and it's a good point, but no matter how much better Nick's relationship with Vanessa might be, he's not allowed to tell her because that's no fun for the audience!

Nick and Raven then have their date.  They go ice skating and then Nick brings out a bunch of husky puppies for Raven to play with and I don't care if he breaks up with her, Raven is the real winner of Finland.  Raven says "I hope my kids with Nick are as cute as these puppies," and I hate to break it to her, but nothing is as cute as those puppies.

Anyway, Raven tells Nick she has no hesitations about their relationship, and Nick babbles at her.  At this point it's obvious who is going to win: Vanessa was crying at the end of her last date and Raven is soooo confident and I see what you're trying to pull, producers, but there's no way you're not going to show Vanessa emotionally winning and confident Raven get heartbroken.

Nick then gets to meet with Neil Lane for, what, the fourth time?  He picks out what I hope is the largest diamond yet.

Then we have the rose ceremony.  Raven's up first, gives a speech, and despite Nick's very drawn out words, Raven (and everyone watching) knows immediately he's breaking up with her.  She leaves and Vanessa shows up.  Vanessa tells Chris Harrison, "I'm nervous," and Chris Harrison says, "you should be," which I'm sure didn't help.

Vanessa goes in and Nick launches into his I love you speech.  He says "I'm glad I don't have to try not to say it," which is actually pretty sweet.  They sleigh ride into the sunset.

The End.

But not really, because we have After the Final Rose where Chris Harrison asks questions that makes it seems like he really wanted Nick to have been runner up once again.  We find out Raven is heading to Bachelor in Paradise and that Vanessa is moving to LA.

The, "it's like the queen has arrive" with Rachel coming out for an "epic surprise" (Chris Harrison's words, not mine).

That surprise is that Rachel gets to meet four of her suitors live on ATFR!  It's awkward and a little cringe-y, especially when a white dude says he's "ready to go black and [he's] never gonna go back."  Oof.  Despite that, I am still excited for Rachel's season!!!

"Falling in love is a big leap of faith, and certainly so is jumping in freezing cold water"

This week, we basically had two episodes air on the same night: the "to be continued" portion of the Fantasy Suites and Women Tell All.

Fantasy Suites Part 2

After a brief recap, we see Nick leaving Raven after their Fantasy Suite date.  Raven tells us she's pretty satisfied and that "Nick is good at what he does."  And if that wasn't enough, we get a lengthy montage of Raven skipping around Finland and playing in the snow to an upbeat 80s-ish pop song.

Can we just take a moment to appreciate the fact that
Rachel is wearing a penguin printed onesie?

Rachel and Nick have a lovely date failing at cross country skiing and feeding reindeer.  Rachel does finally say that she's falling in love with Nick, which earns her a night in the Fantasy Suite!

Vanessa and Nick's date consists of  jumping in icy water and then running into a sauna repeatedly in matching swimsuits for a while before trying to discuss the future where neither of them want to move to the other's country.  They don't really resolve anything, but they do go to the Fantasy Suite.

Rachel goes home at the rose ceremony, and we watch a goodbye that would have been heart wrenching if we didn't already know she was the next Bachelorette.

Women Tell All

First of all, we got to watch a montage of people screaming, I mean, of Nick and Chris Harrison crashing viewing parties in LA.  They even "crashed" a Backstreet Boys viewing "party" where they drank rosé with three of the boys.

But on to the show itself!  As if we didn't get enough of it all season, Women Tell All was the Corinne and Taylor showdown.  It was pretty uncomfortable to watch- Corinne didn't listen to a word anyone said and made up her own version of what happened.  It was quite Trump-like, and I don't really want to revisit it.  Corinne also talked about Raquel, her nanny, and how she calls her a nanny because "cleaning lady" is disrespectful.  Everyone said they wanted "a Raquel" and I wonder if they realize Raquel is an actual person and not something they can own?  Anyway, through all this, girls we forgot even existed showed up to yell about the Taylor-Corinne drama half of them weren't even around for.  We never once heard from Danielle M, who made it to the top 6!  This is thanks to Women Tell All being the last chance to earn a spot on Bachelor in Paradise.

We did get a break from the yelling in the form of Liz, with some girl power speeches about being true to your self.  We even found out there is more to her than having once slept with Nick!  Shocking!  We also heard from Kristina (when Chris Harrison told her she "is the American Dream") and then Rachel, who everyone is just thrilled will be the next Bachelorette.  The yelling came back at the this point, but only because all of the women wanted to tell Rachel how beautiful and awesome she is at the same time.  And of course Nick came out to confront them all.  Nick tells Rachel "I think the guys are really lucky to meet you," to which Rachel replies "they are."