"Gentlemen, everything is about to change"

I'm going to try really hard to write an interesting recap, but that episode was awfully boring, so I'm making no promises.  To sum up:

• Shawn confronts Kaitlyn not once, but twice, both times after sulking in multiple dim-lit locations.
• Kaitlyn "feel[s] like [she] is constantly disappointing people," which, to be fair, she is because she is on national television and in general people suck and really, really like to judge other people.  I am obviously guilty of the latter if you didn't realize, as you are reading a blog I created solely to judge other people.
• Joe and JJ have an uneventful 2-on-one where Kaitlyn calls JJ "edgy" (of all adjectives, Kaitlyn, "edgy?" Really?!) and he admits to cheating on his wife.  Joe apparently opens up to her (these conversations are so vague!).  And in a shocking twist, JJ goes home.
• yawn.
• A rose ceremony might actually happen!  But not until we sit through a looooong, sad, and boring cocktail party where Ben H. confronts Kaitlyn about some vague feelingsy thing that has to do with Shawn and taking a shower somehow and then Nick freaks out when Kaitlyn reminds him not to brag about "being intimate" with her.
• Finally, the rose ceremony!  Ben Z. and Tanner don't get roses.  Tanner, sure, but I was honestly surprised about Ben Z.  I guess Kaitlyn actually wants more than a MAN (which is pretty much the only word I've heard her describe him with).
• Ben Z. still doesn't cry and his exit interview blah blah blah yawwwwwn.
• Jared gets to go on a car ride with Kaitlyn to kiss the Blarney Stone and see her castle (which is "apparently haunted" and "The queen's been here," so you know it's an extra legit castle).  We also learn Jared doesn't know how to drive stick, so the girl who just hit multiple curbs en route to her castle was clearly the best choice for a teacher all while in a country that drives on the left.
• Chris Harrison pays Kaitlyn a visit to help "level the playing field" by saying, "Hey Kaitlyn, why don't you just sleep with at least two other guys to assuage your guilt about Nick so we can move on to awkward family visits?" 
• Chris (the cupcake one) gets a one-on-one helicopter ride to a cliff where Kaitlyn cries and breaks up with him, so Chris cries really ugly and everyone is wondering why they had her break up with someone two feet from the edge of a cliff.  Chris is observant though, and says he doesn't think Kaitlyn knows what she wants and that she's a mess which not only she is, but also is pretty much what Kaitlyn's been saying about herself, and yeah, but she still didn't have a lot of chemistry with you so boo hoo.

I feel you, man.  I had you winning my bracket, so I'm in the same boat.

Next week we might get a rose ceremony where two guys go home and maybe the beginning of fantasy suites?  Or not?  Who knows anymore.  Maybe Kaitlyn will actually tell the guys she slept with Nick (as we are led to believe she does by promos since episode one) and the episode will just be everyone crying.  One thing's for sure, no one's leaving Ireland anytime soon.

"Feelings and Drama"

Well that was some episode, huh?  Not to beat a dead horse, but I still hate not having a rose ceremony at the end and instead having some weird Britt's mom time.  And can we talk about how not only did we not get the Dublin rose ceremony, we didn't even get to see all the dates yet!  What we did get is a lot of icky Nick time and the weirdest date in the Bachelor franchise history.

But before we go to Ireland, Ian had his last stand at the Alamo.  Did you guys know he went to Princeton?  And that he's intelligent and deep and went to Princeton?

Ian and Kelsey should get together.
They're both so much higher than poop jokes and movie quotes.

Hate to break it to you Ian, but after that exit of insulting the Bachelorette and talking about how amazing you are, you are not destined to be the next Bachelor.  You are destined to go home and be single.  I did like how after Ian stormed out without saying anything to the guys, someone says "Hopefully it ended on good terms.  Yeah, right.  To the rest of the men's chagrin, Nick comforts Kaitlyn and can hardly contain his smile when saying how disappointing Ian's actions were.

Joshua and '90s boy band hair guy went home and everyone cheered because they finally get to leave the country and actually go somewhere cool! spend more time with Kaitlyn on their journey for love. Though I must admit, the Alamo was a pretty cool spot for a rose ceremony.

Onto Dublin, Kaitlyn takes Nick on the first one-on-one date, which the other guys were just soooo thrilled about.  The girl with the bird tattoos once again encounters her worst nightmare: birds.  Then she and Nick kiss a bunch of places and dance poorly.

This poor guy on the right just thought it was a lovely day for a Guinness,
but boy was he ever wrong.

Dinner in a church and a private concert follows, and then whiskey-fueled Kaitlyn makes some poor decisions.  So she brings Nick back to her place and has sex with him and some poor cameramen had to sit and film their door.  That wasn't really a poor decision in itself (except ew, it's Nick); sex is a big part of a relationship for some people and there's nothing wrong with sleeping with a guy on a first date or waiting until marriage or anything in between.  It's up to her, and being a "kissing bandit" and sleeping with a guy she's super attracted to doesn't make her a slut or a bad person.  It's really not surprising Kaitlyn slept with someone either- everyone on this show is supplied a constant stream of alcohol and sent on romantic adventures and they're only human.  But this show does have (or tries to have) rules and if you believe in the finding-your-husband-by-dating-25-guys-on-TV process, maybe trust the process and wait to sleep with three guys in the Fantasy Suites?  Also maybe wait out of respect for the other guys you're dating who are trusting in this process and would have maybe also slept with you sooner too if this was the real world.  But it's not the real world and Kaitlyn went for it and now we all get to gossip about it on the internet.

(Side note, how funny would it be to watch this show with one of the guys?)

The morning after, Kaitlyn talks to herself (well, probably a producer, but I like thinking she was mumbling to herself on that balcony alone.  She's concerned Nick will tell the guys, and boy does he want to.  It's awkward and everyone still hates him and I think Shawn might explode.

Kaitlyn, you know Nick's history!
You should have heeded Ashley S.'s advice and contained your lust!

So Kaitlyn freaks out but still has to go on a group date.  The group date is an Irish funeral for Kaitlyn and it's kind of the worst.  The guys are really good sports about it even though, as Chris Harrison points out, she's the "worst dead person ever."  Shawn won in my book for his "I'd kill myself too if I had to spend a day with Nick" eulogy, to which the other guys cheered and probably made Kaitlyn feel bad.  Then they go hang out at a Guinness store house and everyone's moody after Jared gets the rose.  Chris the dentist tries to say something optimistic and gets shut down because no, Cupcake, this totally sucks.  Then Shawn freaks out and talks to someone about how Kaitlyn said he was the one and apparently they hung out in her room once too?  He's having big issues (and he doesn't even know about Nick and Kaitlyn's sexy times yet!) and goes to confront Kaitlyn in her suite and THAT'S THE END OF THE EPISODE.

Some quick, last minute thoughts on last weeks episode

We learned last week that Tanner definitely watches the Bachelor shows and not only that, reads the tabloids.  Some guys clearly have not watched the show before and get upset when they have to literally compete for the girl instead of going to zoos and falling in love.  Though clearly having seen the show before (and, you know, being on it before) doesn't prevent one from getting upset over what everyone knows happens.  Kaitlyn got reaaaally upset this week when Joshua mentioned the guys don't like Nick and demanded why everyone was lying to her (technically they were just lying by omission).  Snitches get sent home.  Plus clearly the guys have no say in Nick's presence so maybe, just maybe, Kaitlyn, they just want to focus on you and not some guy they dislike.  Regardless, the whole thing was thrown way out of proportion and Joshua totally got thrown under the bus and also called the roses "old girls" this week, so maybe it's just time to go home.

Other thoughts from this episode:

• Is being carried around a baseball diamond really that romantic?  JJ's still around for some reason, so I guess so.
• Clearly none of the men can sing, yet I guess Kaitlyn is completely tone deaf and doesn't mind listening to horrible renditions of any genre.
• Since when has Kaitlyn given any indication she's a barber?

This week we learned you can't say the word erection on national TV.

We'll delve into this whole Ian drama after the next episode, since I'm sure they'll replay all of it to build even more suspense/drama.

"But that's lust."

This week we got a double dose of Ashleys, the most dramatic break-up in Bachelorette history, NO rose ceremony, and Hurricane Nick!

To recap, Kaitlyn sees though Clint's attempts at "charm" just so he can keep hanging out with his "best best best friend" with whom he's become "very very very close" and asks him to leave.  JJ has a jerk move and they JJ and Clint fight while standing very, very, very close to each other.  With a "hey that tie goes really well with your shirt," Clint is gone and JJ cries in the bushes and slaps himself in the face before rejoining the other men.  Kaitlyn refills her wine and decides not to have a rose ceremony.

"New York is definitely a place I could see myself falling in love"

We're out of Bachelor Mansion and in NYC!  As we know from last season, Kaitlyn loves to rap even though she's absolutely horrendous at it.  The guys have a rap battle and are equally as terrible at rapping as she is, so hey, maybe Kaitlyn's husband is in this group of guys after all.  Sharleen, Nick V., and Ashley I. are all in attendance for some reason, which brings us to The Nick Situation.

Nick came to New York to meet Kaitlyn because they've been tweeting and texting each other.  Kaitlyn asks "why now?" which is a good question, seeing as if the show's history is any indication, she'll be single in a couple of months after the finale anyway and couldn't you have just waited?  Not if Nick and the producers have anything to say about it!  I mean, all the interesting (i.e. dramatic/weird/crazy/confrontational) men are gone and they need a villain, and, you know, villains gotta Viall.

For some reason, Kaitlyn has to consult the guys on what they think about throwing a new guy into the mix. Obviously everyone hates the idea, and Tanner reveals that he actually does watch this show by catching up the guys on Nick's role on Andi's season and how he confronted her about "making love" with him when she wasn't in love with him and how he's generally a terrible person.  Kaitlyn feels like she's in a tough situation, so goes outside, makes out with Nick, and then gives the group date rose to the only guy who supported her decision to consider inviting Nick on.

Kaitlyn wastes no time in catching Nick up to what's been happening this season.

The rest of the show is overshadowed by the Nick Situation.  Jared gets a glamorous one-on-one date with Kaitlyn and writes her a poem which is predictably as bad as all other poetry to have come out of this show.

Next group date, five guys show that they can't sing or dance or act and Kaitlyn and Cupcake Chris get to appear for like 2 seconds in Aladdin on Broadway.  Meanwhile, the rest of the guys are still fuming about Nick.

Much as I dislike Nick, Kaitlyn clearly has more chemistry with him than any of the other men.  She was ridiculously giddy when he showed up.  Or maybe, as Ashley S. notes, it's just lust.  Whatever it is, it's better TV than Ben H. and Joe sulking about losing the Broadway date or Kaitlyn and Chris admiring THE BALL.

Lastly, instead of a rose ceremony, we get 5 minutes of elevator music with a weird attendant watching Nick as he moves in with another group of men who will hate him.  Also Britt and Brady are still running around on beaches together and I still don't care.

"Villains gotta vill"

First off, I'm not a fan of their new format of rose ceremony at the beginning, cliffhanger at the end.  I like a little closure each week!  Also, the rose ceremonies are more bearable once I've had more wine.

But onto the show: first off, in a not so dramatic rose ceremony, Kaitlyn sent home Edward Norton and a blond guy after telling Kupah to leave, again, which he did, but not without some Fireball for the road.

JJ apparently never sees the sun.

The first group date was sumo wrestling, so more guys can literally fight for Kaitlyn.  It was ridiculous and the other guys got to watch/laugh.  Tony "eyes of a child, heart of a warrior, soul of a gypsy" had a huge problem with the date.  Violence and being primal is not his thing, and he ranted about peace and love and going to the zoo.  He had some good points, but real dates don't make good TV and has he even seen this show before?  No one cares how the contestants feel (remember last season when the girls had to race tractors downtown LA in bikinis?  This show may be sexist, but at least it's equally bad to both sexes? or something?).  The zoo would make a nice date, Tony, but Kaitlyn is afraid of birds, so that's not going to happen.  Anyway, Kaitlyn liked the date, so maybe Tony's just not a good fit for her.  Plus his bonsai trees really wanted him back home.  The other guys didn't have any problem being MEN and slamming into each other wearing thong diapers (which were totally NOT sexy, Kaitlyn).

Onto the one-on-one!  Chris Harrison planned the most terrifying date ever: lock Kaitlyn and Ben Z. in a haunted room and make them search for clues to get out.  Kaitlyn was acting like a complete wimp, which to be fair, is exactly how I would act in a situation like that.  They got out and we learned Ben Z. is a total "babe soda" with a tragic dead mom story and everyone loves him.

A single dude who has never been in love is probably not the best person to teach you how tampons work.

For the second group date, a bunch of 20-something men teach children sex ed!  They are hilariously awkward and the kids overreact to everything.  Other Ben does a cute lesson on creating a child that is not really accurate, but wins points with Kaitlyn, so everyone overlooks it.  These kids learned nothing.  And to the folks saying how wildly inappropriate that all was: yeah kids shouldn't learn sex ed from some dudes on a reality tv show, but sex ed is really important and maybe teaching kids about their bodies/sex/safe sex/etc might help with some of our problems with teen pregnancy/stds/rape/generally kids making bad decisions.  Knowledge is power, guys!  Also, what was with all of the bleeping out words?  I'm sure those guys weren't cursing at the kids.  And the black bar with the tampon demonstration?  Seriously?  Is America not ready for periods?

Moving forward, Kaitlyn spends some time with the guys and is concerned that Joshua isn't moving fast enough in their relationship.  But wasn't Kaitlyn's big thing last season not opening up right away?  I think she just wants to make-out with everyone. Then she goes on about how hot Jared is with a black eye, which is a little concerning.  And she's impressed that Jared's "comfortable with his sexuality."  I mean, it's a tough world out there for straight, cis, white men, so that really sets him apart.

BBFs (best bros forevah)

So Clint turns out to be there for the wrong reasons.  We get to see a lovely montage of Clint and JJ's budding bromance (They both like turtles!).  To be fair, their friendship will probably last longer than the relationship Kaitlyn gets out of this show.  And shouldn't we be glad they found each other in that sea of JV croquet players?

Tune in next week when "Clint is gonna go down in flames" (dramatic, much, Kaitlyn?).