In which I review Bachelor in Paradise solely from some tweets I saw

Much as I love the Bachelor franchise, I do not have four hours a week to commit to the amazing drama that is Bachelor in Paradise.  Plus that much wine and that lack of sleep on not one but TWO work nights is a little too much.

I had started following some of the recent bachelor/bachelorette contestants on twitter, since it was entertaining to see them live tweet their embarrassing escapades playing out on TV.  And a lot of them ended up on BIP and really like tweeting about it, both seriously and sarcastically, and in some cases for some damage control.  As a result, I have a vague idea of the drama happing this season on BIP and thought I'd keep this blog alive!  Keep in mind though, this recap is based off of twitter, so I might be recapping an alternate BIP universe.

Let's look at our cast of characters I've gathered have been in Paradise so far (for 6 episodes but only 3 weeks):

The Ladies

• Ashley I. (Chris' season, Kardashley) and randomly her sister Lauren (the not-a-virgin yin to Kardashley's I'm-a-virgin yang)
• Clare (Juan Pablo's 2nd choice and BIP season 1) (and her raccoon and maybe a crab this time?)
• Jade (Chris' season, playboy model)
• Juelia (Chris' season, single mom)
• Tenley (no idea, she's blonde?)
• Carly (Chris' season, apparently a good commentator)
• Ashley S. (Chris' season, onion girl; I almost actually watched the show for her)
• Jillian (Chris' season, got a boob job since then)
• Samantha (Chris' season, villianess)
• Amber (Chris' season, not white)
• Megan (Chris' season, still doesn't understand New Mexico)

The Gentlemen (if you can call them that)

• JJ (Kaityln's season, apparently funny on this show; he's still trying to make "villains gotta vill" happen)
• Jonathan (Kaitlyn's season, apparently makes some poor fashion choices involving an unfortunate vest)
• Joe (Kaitlyn's season, the new bachelor nation mega villain)
• Michael (Des' season I think?  He might be a lawyer, came for Tenley and didn't get her)
• Joshua (Kaitlyn's season, maybe does drugs)
• Tanner (Kaitlyn's season, apparently the male version of Carly in the commentary department)
• Kirk (No clue who this is, maybe has been on Bachelor Pad?)
• Dan (No clue who this is, apparently has nice abs)
• Mikey (Des' season, a "beefheart")

Things that have happened:
(probably not remotely in chronological order)

• Ashley I. cries a lot
• Ashley I.'s sister leaves week 2 to go back to being someone's mistress
• Ashley I. thinks everyone over 30 is an old cougar with sad, old eggs
• Jared also thinks Clare is old, so he and Ashley I. get together
• Clare has a break down at rose ceremony
• Ashley S. gets the first ambulance ride to the ER- no idea what happened but she got a date out of it
• Ashley I. talks about Disney princesses
• Joe makes Jonathan cry
• Ashley S. makes friends with birds when Dan dumps her for Amber
• Jade/Tanner and Carly/Kirk got together early on and are boring and undramatic and couple-y. 
• Carly and Kirk get a fantasy suite, Bachelor Nation code for S-E-X
• Carly missed her brother's wedding for this (to be fair, her brother, Zak of Des' season, is part of the Bachelor Family, so he's probably not as offended as a normal brother would be)
• Megan has shown that she still has a very weak grasp on geography by showing up to Paradise with an "Aloha, Mexico!"
• JJ calls Megan dumb (sorry, not dumb, "different intellectually") but says she's hot and has a nice rack, so I guess that makes up for it?
• Joe and Samantha do something gross in the hot tub that makes all participants tweet about how thankful they are that they never used the hot tub
• Everyone encounters crabs and some people talk to them?
• Everyone hates Joe and Samantha because they were plotting to get together before the show started so Joe used Juelia until Samantha arrived and JJ almost fought him and I guess Joe said some pretty sketchy shit in his ITMs and then Samantha was mean to Juelia and this is a HUGE SCANDAL YOU GUYS.  Well, on twitter it is, anyway
• The bartender's name is Jorge and he has a speaking role
• A lot of other stuff which I don't know because it wasn't tweet-worthy or I just don't remember/didn't see every tweet from the last 3 weeks.

Oh, and "After Paradise" is a thing now and I guess they have some famous people on to chat with our host Chris Harrison and some woman I've never heard of in front of a live studio audience. every. single. week.  And they have a taxidermied raccoon.

I'll just end with this.