Villains Gotta Vill Part II

Feeling lost without another Bachelor Franchise show until January?  You can always read Chris Harrison's romance novel, The Perfect Letter,  Or, for something shorter and more absurd, head on over to Villains Gotta Vill.  Even Kaitlyn wants it to stop, but the villaining goes on, thanks to Clint and JJ.  Perhaps this is what happens when you're unemployed 32 year old living with your parents and have a very encouraging (and weirdly artistic) partner in crime.

Random villain-related side note:  Nick V.'s twitter handle, @viallnicholas28, looks like he's just calling himself a villain, albeit a dyslexic one.

If you're looking for a gift for me, look no further

Big News, Bachelor Nation

In a SHOCKING TWIST OF EVENTS*, fan favorite** Ben H. has been crowned the next Bachelor***!

He may have been Kaitlyn's #3, but he's now America's #1!

*by "shocking twist of events," I mean "totally predictable announcement"
**We have mixed results with fan favorites... I have hope he won't turn in a jerk (a la Juan Pablo) and he will be able to string sentences together (unlike Farmer Chris)
***He was presented during After Paradise after a brief Nick scare.  Thankfully, Nick is destined to always be America's second choice and we don't have to watch an entire season of Nick V.

In which I review Bachelor in Paradise solely from some tweets I saw

Much as I love the Bachelor franchise, I do not have four hours a week to commit to the amazing drama that is Bachelor in Paradise.  Plus that much wine and that lack of sleep on not one but TWO work nights is a little too much.

I had started following some of the recent bachelor/bachelorette contestants on twitter, since it was entertaining to see them live tweet their embarrassing escapades playing out on TV.  And a lot of them ended up on BIP and really like tweeting about it, both seriously and sarcastically, and in some cases for some damage control.  As a result, I have a vague idea of the drama happing this season on BIP and thought I'd keep this blog alive!  Keep in mind though, this recap is based off of twitter, so I might be recapping an alternate BIP universe.

Let's look at our cast of characters I've gathered have been in Paradise so far (for 6 episodes but only 3 weeks):

The Ladies

• Ashley I. (Chris' season, Kardashley) and randomly her sister Lauren (the not-a-virgin yin to Kardashley's I'm-a-virgin yang)
• Clare (Juan Pablo's 2nd choice and BIP season 1) (and her raccoon and maybe a crab this time?)
• Jade (Chris' season, playboy model)
• Juelia (Chris' season, single mom)
• Tenley (no idea, she's blonde?)
• Carly (Chris' season, apparently a good commentator)
• Ashley S. (Chris' season, onion girl; I almost actually watched the show for her)
• Jillian (Chris' season, got a boob job since then)
• Samantha (Chris' season, villianess)
• Amber (Chris' season, not white)
• Megan (Chris' season, still doesn't understand New Mexico)

The Gentlemen (if you can call them that)

• JJ (Kaityln's season, apparently funny on this show; he's still trying to make "villains gotta vill" happen)
• Jonathan (Kaitlyn's season, apparently makes some poor fashion choices involving an unfortunate vest)
• Joe (Kaitlyn's season, the new bachelor nation mega villain)
• Michael (Des' season I think?  He might be a lawyer, came for Tenley and didn't get her)
• Joshua (Kaitlyn's season, maybe does drugs)
• Tanner (Kaitlyn's season, apparently the male version of Carly in the commentary department)
• Kirk (No clue who this is, maybe has been on Bachelor Pad?)
• Dan (No clue who this is, apparently has nice abs)
• Mikey (Des' season, a "beefheart")

Things that have happened:
(probably not remotely in chronological order)

• Ashley I. cries a lot
• Ashley I.'s sister leaves week 2 to go back to being someone's mistress
• Ashley I. thinks everyone over 30 is an old cougar with sad, old eggs
• Jared also thinks Clare is old, so he and Ashley I. get together
• Clare has a break down at rose ceremony
• Ashley S. gets the first ambulance ride to the ER- no idea what happened but she got a date out of it
• Ashley I. talks about Disney princesses
• Joe makes Jonathan cry
• Ashley S. makes friends with birds when Dan dumps her for Amber
• Jade/Tanner and Carly/Kirk got together early on and are boring and undramatic and couple-y. 
• Carly and Kirk get a fantasy suite, Bachelor Nation code for S-E-X
• Carly missed her brother's wedding for this (to be fair, her brother, Zak of Des' season, is part of the Bachelor Family, so he's probably not as offended as a normal brother would be)
• Megan has shown that she still has a very weak grasp on geography by showing up to Paradise with an "Aloha, Mexico!"
• JJ calls Megan dumb (sorry, not dumb, "different intellectually") but says she's hot and has a nice rack, so I guess that makes up for it?
• Joe and Samantha do something gross in the hot tub that makes all participants tweet about how thankful they are that they never used the hot tub
• Everyone encounters crabs and some people talk to them?
• Everyone hates Joe and Samantha because they were plotting to get together before the show started so Joe used Juelia until Samantha arrived and JJ almost fought him and I guess Joe said some pretty sketchy shit in his ITMs and then Samantha was mean to Juelia and this is a HUGE SCANDAL YOU GUYS.  Well, on twitter it is, anyway
• The bartender's name is Jorge and he has a speaking role
• A lot of other stuff which I don't know because it wasn't tweet-worthy or I just don't remember/didn't see every tweet from the last 3 weeks.

Oh, and "After Paradise" is a thing now and I guess they have some famous people on to chat with our host Chris Harrison and some woman I've never heard of in front of a live studio audience. every. single. week.  And they have a taxidermied raccoon.

I'll just end with this.

"I'm the world's biggest joke" -Nick V.

After being promised "the dramatic ending you won't believe,"  we watch the ending everyone who doesn't live under a rock already knew (thanks snapchat!).  The only ending that we don't believe is them saying this is for forever because have you seen this show before?

Let's review:

Back in LA, Shawn and the other guy have to meet Kaitlyn's family.  Nick V.'s up first and Kaitlyn's family is all whaaaaaaat, Nick V., why?!?

Kaitlyn's fam would be perfect for the live studio audiences

Nick shows up in his best worn-out white v-neck.  Kaitlyn greets him and says, "hey, I told my family how you, like, showed up halfway through and how we have this, like, great connection and how we had sex in Ireland LOL ok, come meet them!"

Kaitlyn's mom starts out strong with the questioning: "Hey Nick V. you're kind of an arrogant dick, how do you explain that?"  Nick fumbles through an answer and sheds a tear and Kaitlyn's mom is suddenly totally on board with him marrying Kaitlyn.

Shawn and Kaitlyn's dad wear matching shirts while Kaitlyn's step dad seemed to miss the blue-stripe memo and wore a pretty awful lime green shirt.  Kaitlyn's mom is worried bringing up the Nick situation will be awkward, and surprise, surprise, it totally is.   Kaitlyn's sister is 100% Team Shawn.

The guys get one more date each with Kaitlyn.  Nick's consists of making out on a boat (and now you wear a nice button up shirt, Nick?) and he gives her a sappy picture/poem thing.  Shawn's consists of Kaitlyn bringing up the Nick situation again at a winery and then he gives her a jar of memories.

Kaitlyn cries because life is hard when two men are picking out ridiculously flashy Neil Lane engagement rings for you.

Final rose ceremony time- Kaitlyn lets Nick get all of the way to pulling out a ring before she stops him.  They say things at each other, but clearly neither are listening.  On the bright side, Nick finally tosses that ring they got in Ireland.

I'm sure you can find a nice girl back in
Chicago who will do fiancé-type stuff with you.

Shawn proposes, Kaitlyn's giddy, yay the most controversial show in Bachelor history is over!

awwwww

Except wait, we still have an hour of After the Final Rose.

Kaitlyn tells Chris Harrison, "I feel like a little kid!"  To which he replies, "you always feel like a little kid!" and then they gush over the ring and there's lots of PDA between Shawn and Kaitlyn.  Not to worry, Nick's still around with his poor family in the audience for some reason, so there's promise of some drama!

Or just a conversation showing Shawn and Nick still hate each other.  It's pretty awkward even if Chris "feels like we've gotten to a good place."   Chris then asks if they want to hug it out which just goes to show that he was not paying any attention to body language/actual language coming from Shawn and Nick.

And that's a wrap.  All with no mention of the next bachelor (though Ben H. was name dropped a few times)!  But to placate the fans, there's more BIP previewing and we learn that Marcus and Lacy will get married on the show.  Like on the beach, presumably with a bunch of swimsuit-clad, drunk, former bachelor and bachelorette contestants in attendance.  I'd rather watch Ashley S. marry those birds in her happy place, but I guess we all don't get what we want.  Though if you are ever sad, just remember you didn't get dumped on national television. Twice.

"Inside, I'm crying right now" -Chris Harrison

It's time to recap Men Tell All, the show where dudes who "lost" a reality dating show bitch about it for a couple hours and the audience at home get to see the who's who of who's that while Chris Harrison earns his paycheck.

Oh, but first we spend 10 minutes on Bachelor in Paradise which will pretty much be Chris's season of girls and recent Kaitlyn rejects plus Claire (because she just can't get enough ocean sex).  There promises to be lots of ugly crying and Ashley S. making friends with the birds.

To start things off, we recap Kaitlyn's season thus far and everyone's embarrassed.  Tanner immediately jumps on Ian being an asshole with a nice little soliloquy of how everyone else will be bros4lyfe but not introverted-reads-books-Ian, so Ian takes off his jacket and strolls onto the floor as if he's giving a TedTalk.

We get these lovely faces from Chris Harrison.

He apologizes to everyone and their mom and everyone at least puts on a show of forgiving him so we can jump on the next person to attack!  Who's up next?  Oh right, Clint.  JJ defends their "intellectual curiosity" about each other and chooses some words poorly ("friendship," "hot tub," -air quotes added by JJ- deep, and meat come to mind) and then Kupah jumps in to change topics to Nick and how Kaitlyn should have spared them all the "agony of [...] helicopter rides" or whatever and can I just point out that you had already left the show in pretty bad form when Nick showed up PLUS you voted for Britt?

Unnecessary picture of Kupah, except does he even know how a tie works?

Back to Clint and JJ.  Chris Harrison pulls JJ into the hot seat to talk about his "journey" with Kaitlyn only to recap the Clint and JJ situation again and chat about that.  And through all of this, Corey with an 'E'," whoever that is, chimes in a LOT.  And I mean A LOT.  And he has some preeeetty strong opinions for someone who no one remembers and went home in the 4th Rose Ceremony after having practically no one-on-one time with Kaitlyn.

Let's move onto the people we care about:

• Ben Z. comes up to the hot seat to admit he still hasn't cried.
• Jared is embarrassed about his LoveMan intro which made me like him better until I remembered the Bachelor in Paradise preview.  At least he shaved his patchy beard- something even Chris Harrison called him out on.
• Ben H. fist bumps with Chris and how is he not going to be the next Bachelor?  Also, how is Ben H. that mature and articulate?  I know approximately zero 26 year old guys who could pull off any of Ben H.'s speeches.

  

  I mean, look at that face!

Kaitlyn shows up and we start her segment with a PSA on cyber bullying, which gets lots of amazed/appalled reactions so I'm glad Chris Harrison decided to bring it up.  This kind of online harassment is unfortunately far too common for any female in the public eye or on the internet who give off any remotely feminist vibes (if you don't believe me, just read the comments section of videos of female stars.  Actually don't, because it will make you hate everyone).

What the hell is wrong with these people, anyway?  Did someone hurt them? Do they wake up in the morning and think, hey, today seems like a great day to spew hatred on the internet to people I don't even know?  Like if you hate Kaitlyn so much, why are you watching a show centered around her?  And the backlash pretty much all centered on her being a "slut" or a "whore."  She had sex with a few guys she was dating, AND OMG THE WORLD IS GOING TO END.  OR maybe it's just her life and her decision and who cares.  Seriously.  Sure, you may think she's shallow or made some bad decisions, but they are her decisions that she made for herself and not for you (or you, Corey, so please shut up).

Do you have to audition to be in the MTA audience?
Like send in videos of yourself overreacting to everything?

The guys give Kaitlyn a standing ovation of support and then they ask her some questions.  She shuts down the judging of the Nick Situation with a "you try dating this many people and not make a mistake and have it televised" which is kind of a good point and also, this would be a boring show if no one made mistakes.  Ian apologizes again and drunk, horned up Ryan from the first night apologizes and Kaitlyn makes a gay joke about JJ and Clint and are we still on that?  Corey probably said 18 thousand things.

Then we get bloopers which is predominantly Kaitlyn being scared shitless of various birds plus a bonus clip of Amy Shumer hating on JJ.  Then Joe comes at her with a bird mask and everyone is like "you have bird tattoos!!!" Kaitlyn says that she can't see them which doesn't explain anything.

I'll just leave this right here.

Notable folks we didn't really hear from: Chris/Cupcake, Creepy Tony, and Joe, most likely because Corey would not shut the hell up.  Also, no one brought up Kupah's exit, though if were were to talk about one alcohol-induced exit, Ryan's was the better choice.  Also, no Britt/Brody update, though that's probably because they broke up ages ago and ABC realized that people just don't care.

"These donkeys have some sick haircuts"

We return this week to Shawn and Nick's useless bro-fight.  Okay, we get it, you hate each other.  And Nick, if you think being Eskimo brothers with someone is not a good thing, then I have bad news for you because I'm pretty sure you just became Eskimo brothers with your worst enemy.

"Best sleepover ever!"
Ben and Kaitlyn have an overnight date riding horses and staying in a castle.  It's adorable and Ben says all of the right things, including the L word.

Ben is way too wholesome for Kaitlyn.

"Golf is a lot like love..."
Thanks, Shawn, we haven't heard a cheesy love metaphor in a while.  Kaitlyn takes Shawn golfing for their overnight and then, in a one-sided game of truth or dare, makes Shawn run around the golf course naked.  I guess the producers were feeling guilty about the lack of pool parties and gratuitously shirtless men and were trying to make up for it.

Return of the black box.

Over dinner, Kaitlyn brings up everyone's favorite subject: Nick!  She then decides to end the conversation abruptly with the invitation to forgo their individual rooms.  Because kissing seems to be Kaitlyn's (so far successful) strategy to not have to actually talk about anything.

Nick is lurking when Shawn emerges the next morning because apparently he didn't get enough of angry Shawn after his own fantasy suite and they proceed to argue unproductively again, but in Nick's room this time.

Shawn wins the champagne chugging contest.

In a predictable rose ceremony, Kaitlyn cries and sends drama-free, perfect, ridiculously hot Ben home (to presumably be the next Bachelor)  and Shawn and Nick readjust their pants 18 times and avoid eye contact because apparently they aren't allowed to leave.

Next up: Utah for "hometowns," probably so people on the internet can make fun of polygamy.

"I'm totally in love with you.... so, yeah"
Nick has a thousand siblings and his family is very concerned to the point of tears that Nick has made a huge mistake going on this show.  Again.   Nick tries to soothe his mom's worries by telling her that "[Kaitlyn]'s great at making out."  He also drops the L word on Kaitlyn and tells her that they "should make babies someday."

"What the hell's going on.  This is nuts."
We learn that sisters are Kaitlyn's jam because she has 7 of them, and then she actually gets along nicely with Shawn's sisters.  Shawn's dad is quite skeptical of the situation but that doesn't stop Shawn from also dropping the L word to Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn's confused and there will definitely be lots of tears and drama in the finale.

Next week, though, we get a break from the Shawn and Nick hate each other show for Men Tell All!  Are JJ and Clint still together?  Is Ian still a pompous asshole?  Did Joshua's hair grow back?  Has Kupah reevaluated his relationship with fireball?  Has creepy Tony married a bonsai yet?  Has Jared shaved his sad attempt at a beard?  Hopefully we'll have answers, come Monday!

"Why Kaitlyn is falling in love with Nick, I don't understand."

This week we're still in Ireland, but we do get one of those elusive rose ceremonies (and in the 9 o'clock hour too!  We're getting closer to having closure!).  All dates are now apparently in green grassy areas near old buildings.  Let's review:

Ben H. gets a one-on-one.  They play hide and seek, Kaitlyn tells Ben he's husband material, Ben tells Kaitlyn she's hot, and Kaitlyn asks Ben if he's a virgin.  Normal date stuff.

Joe, Nick, and Shawn get a group date.  Joe tells Kaitlyn he's falling in love with her and Kaitlyn breaks up with him.  He is reasonably upset and leaves in a huff and Kaitlyn is sad because she just wanted a hug.  Kaitlyn gives no one a rose but invites Shawn to the night portion of the date to tell him she slept with Nick.  Shawn decides to "man up and deal with it," which unfortunately does not mean he's going to stop being a whiny little bitch or stop hating on Nick "the other guy" nonstop.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!  Super dramatic since there is no cocktail party (have to switch up something).  Shawn needs Kaitlyn to sooth his feelings before he can accept a rose and then Jared ends up rose-less and goes home and hopefully shaves that beard (if you can even call it that).

Nick gets the first fantasy suite date and Kaitlyn takes him to a pub so they can drink and talk to the locals about relationships.  Then- surprise!- they forgo their individual rooms for the fantasy suite.  Which is in a sketchy jail cell (as a joke of course, but Nick's all, sure, I'll do you wherever).

And then we see something we've never seen on the Bachelor/ette before: the morning after!  Nick is shirtless and Kaitlyn eats bacon.  Nick leaves only to have Shawn come to his room and basically start a fight.  The conclusion of which we have to wait until next week to see, of course.

Oh and Britt and Brady get the credits and NO ONE CARES.  Give us our bloopers back!

And then there were three.