"Would that be okay with you" is the new "Can I ask for your daughter's hand in marriage"

We start week eight back in week seven- a pattern that is just not going to end this season.  The girls are chilling in their Bimini suite freaked out because Nick is not playing by the rules re: sending girls home at rose ceremonies.

Nick shows up and painstakingly slowly gives a speech to put them out of their misery.  Turns out he's giving them all roses!  The girls are almost giddy with relief.  But, Nick says, "it's a two way street" so he still has to ask them individually in case, you know, the Stockholm Syndrome hadn't actually set in yet.  He even offers Raven a rose although she already got one during the last group date.

For the first hometown visit this season, we head to Hoxie, AL where Raven drives up to Nick on an ATV to whisk him away into the mud.  But, like literally into the mud.  They take a pit stop at a grain bin, which I guess is what Alabaman's call silos, to climb up, because Raven says thats where you have meaningful conversations.  No meaningful conversations today though, because a cop pulls up and yells at them to come down.  He starts interrogating them about if they have their IDs but then, haha, jokes! It's Raven's brother!  I have to say, her brother was a pretty decent actor considering how forced these situations generally seem.  Anyhow, meeting the bro done with, the two have some more ATV racing to attend to before having a water fight and making out in a marsh.

They clean up and head to Raven's parent's home, while we get a voiceover reminding us how Raven's dad got diagnosed with lung cancer a year an a half ago and how she didn't know if he'd make it to meet a guy she brings home.  They sit down and Raven's dad tells her he's cancer free.  It's a pretty big moment for them to share with Raven and some guy who will probably dump her on TV in a couple of weeks.  Raven and her dad then have an emotional conversation where Raven says she would walk down the aisle alone if he died.  Then Nick asks her dad for his blessing, but in a rambling question about if at the end of this he and Raven don't want to say goodbye, would it be ok by dad if they got engaged?  Raven's dad says he trusts his daughter's judgement, so if she's happy, he is.

I think this is how you get weird bacterial diseases?

On to Dallas, TX to be the first white dude Rachel's brought home!  Rachel takes Nick to her church since it's an important part of her life, but also a predominantly black place.  The pastor (reverend? minister?  I'm not up on religious titles, but the guy giving the sermon is who I am referring to) calls out Rachel and welcomes Nick and it's all very wholesome.  Nick and Rachel then talk about how comfortable they are in church and sort of talk about race and how they'd be an interracial couple.

They then go have dinner with Rachel's family and then they all talk about race.  I'm sure they also talked about other things, but this is all we saw.  Knowing that Rachel is the next Bachelorette, this makes sense, as the Bachelor franchise for the first time is going to actually have to talk about real things.  Rachel's sister brings up a good point about how it's great that Nick has no problems with being an interracial couple, but with the climate these days, one has to deal with society as well.  I also liked the moment when Rachel and Nick sat down with her sister and brother-in-law and Nick told them they make them feel comfortable, to which Rachel's sister says, "why, because you all look like us?"  (Rachel's sister is married to a white guy).  Rachel tells her mom she could see herself falling in love with Nick, and despite being the only one who hasn't expressed love for Nick (to him or produces), still seems to be a front runner even though we know they don't end up together.

First race, and now religion: The Bachelor is getting ahead
of itself in bringing up potentially controversial topics!

And for a complete change of pace, we go down to Miami, FL and get a peek into Corinne's world.  Corinne wants to show Nick a typical day in her life, and shockingly, it is not spent at an office running her multi-million dollar business.  They go to an "exclusive" mall.  The retail personnel all know Corinne and even bring her champagne while shopping.  Nick tries on a bunch of expensive clothes and Corinne buys him over $3000 worth of clothes that look similar to clothes I buy at the Gap.  The last time I spent over $3000 dollars on something, it was my graduate school tuition and I had to take out a loan.  Corinne then tells Nick she loves him in a mall restaurant before heading to the penthouse where her family and nanny live.  Before Nick and Corinne show up, we get to see her parents and sister talk about her.  Her sister says "he's older than Corinne, so, like more mature" and her dad says, "strike one, strike two, strike three" and first off, that's only one, maybe two strikes, but sure.  Anyhow, Corinne gets squeals of glee from her family and they all sit down to dinner.  

Raquel serves them food, pours their wine, and then sit down to join them.   It's pretty uncomfortable to watch considering while she's serving them, they are all talking about her and how she was basically a second mom to Corinne.  Corinne also complained that the other girls made fun of her for having a nanny.  Corinne and her dad talk, and her dad is concerned that Nick won't be able to afford Corinne's expensive taste and that she should be prepared for the worst case scenario.  That being Nick is a stay at home dad and Corinne has to work, presumably at her daddy's business.  Corinne's dad brings this up with Nick as well when he does his prepared speech asking for the ok for marrying his daughter.  But after a while, Corinne's dad says "I think Corinne is the lid to Nick's pot," so I guess he approves.

Nick is wearing a $1400 sweatsuit there.

Time to leave the country to visit Montreal, Canada, where Vanessa lives!  And this hometown could not be more different than the extravagant show in Miami.  Vanessa takes Nick to visit the school she teaches at, where she teaches adult's with special needs.  A bunch of students and teachers are waiting to greet them with signs and roses and tears.  It's an emotional homecoming and you can tell how much Vanessa's students care about her, and how much she cares about them.  She and Nick then make a scrapbook of their journey with her students.

Next, Vanessa tells Nick they are going to her mom's and then her dad's separately, since that's how real life would be.  Dinner with Vanessa's mom includes "15 loud Italians" who all care so much about Vanessa, most of them cry during this evening and do not go easy on Nick.  It becomes clear that Nick and Vanessa have not talked about the future and who would move where, which is kind of important.  Vanessa's mom calls Nick out on his response to why he likes Vanessa, as his first answer was about her looks (which is more or less how he answered that question with the other parents).  Then they go to Vanessa's dad's house where Nick does his "would that be ok [if your daughter and I got engaged]" speech, and his dad says he can't and gets Nick to admit, reluctantly, that he's already asked other dads.  They talk some more, and Nick kind of gets the blessing.  Vanessa then finds out from her dad that Nick asked all the girls' dads for permission (emphasis on dads- we did not see Nick asking Rachel's mom for permission since dad wasn't there), and that doesn't sit well with her, but guess what?  We won't know what Vanessa does with these new feelings until next week.

Between her students and family, it's obvious Vanessa needs to
stay in Montreal, so if Nick wants to continue pursuing
TV and modeling or whatever in LA, he really shouldn't pick her.

We end this week with a teaser of Andi showing up with an ominous knock and a "Hello Nick."  Of course, this will amount to nothing more than her giving him advice and good luck.  So, to be continued then.

"Let's dive into bed"

We begin this week with another cliffhanger that is hardly suspenseful considering all of the preview footage we've already seen.  I feel like the editors are really dropping the ball this season with spoilers in every preview of the next episode/rest of season.  For example, Rachel is clearly a frontrunner and perhaps the only person to give Vanessa a run for her money in winning this thing, yet we now know she's the new Bachelorette, so clearly Nick doesn't pick her.

Anyway, Nick comes in to reassure the girls that he thinks one of the six left will probably be his wife and that we're going to Bimini!  The girls cheer and yell "Bimini" more times than the number of viewers who have even heard of Bimini.

Vanessa gets the first one on one date, much to Corinne's chagrin as she's the only one who hasn't gotten a one on one yet, which in her defense, is odd this late in the season.  Vanessa and Nick head off on a yacht, and Vanessa says "I've never been on a boat before" even though we just saw her on one last week.  They go snorkeling by a ship wreck and make-out underwater.  In the evening, they have dinner and Vanessa tells Nick she's falling in love with him.  Nick decides to give her a speech about how he's said I love you on this show before and that he doesn't want to say I love you to more than one person and it really is not the best response to someone declaring their love.

For the group date, Corinne, Raven, and Kristina get to join Nick to swim with sharks.  Corinne really wants the date to go well so she can take Nick home to meet her "nanny slash maid" who is also her "best friend in the entire world," but Nick seems to be paying more attention to Kristina and even helps her rub sunscreen on her inner thigh.  Corinne pouts and complains that she's "literally trying to win over [her] fiancé," which is literally not the case.  Raven is pretty confident that Corinne and Kristina will get eaten by sharks, while she'd just punch them in the face.  Her confidence was not unfounded as she ends up getting the group date rose and the chance to make-out while watching some band Nick had to namedrop.

Real nice camera shot that really sums up this show:
Nick kisses a woman while other women are sad nearby.

Onto Danielle M's one on one date, where they bike around Bimini, play sports with local kids, and Danielle M admits to be "like one hundred and fifty bajillion percent" falling in love with Nick.  They chat about going home to Wisconsin and Nick tells Danielle M that she's "fun to have fun with" and that her "face is pretty great."  Which is apparently not what Nick is looking for in a wife, because he sends her home.  She cries and leaves and the other girls are sad for her.

Corinne wants to make sure Nick doesn't pull that with her and goes to visit Nick.  She says the following statements:
"I'd live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick" (as opposed to all those shacks with diamonds?)
"I am not a runner up" (but you want to marry one, apparently)
"I'm going to blow that room up"
"I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm"
"I know how to make a man feel good and I do way better than anyone else because my heart is gold but my vagine is platinum" (we finally see the context to this quote considering it's been in every season/episode preview montage since night one)
"You must have two hands on at all times.  Never jiggle, lightly massage"  (this she says to Nick behind closed doors)

So if you hadn't picked up on it, Corinne has decided to have sex with Nick.  But since having sex before the fantasy suites (or during, really), hasn't really worked out for him in the past, he turns Corinne down, and she leaves, pretty upset.

During all of the above, all we get to see is shots of this empty
champagne bottle with breathy audio because while Nick and
Corinne were allowed some "alone" time, they were still clearly mic'd 

Next, Rachel gets the last date of the episode, where she and Nick wander around Bimini.  They chat about Nick meeting her parents and she says she's never brought home a white boy before and they reenforce the fact that Nick needs to call her dad "sir."  Considering we know things aren't going to work out (yay #RachelforBachelorette), I'd wager a good amount Rachel's family visit doesn't go very smoothly.

After the date, Rachel goes back to the hotel beaming and makes Corinne even more worried about her place in Nick's heart.  Nick talks to Chris Harrison about knowing already who has to go home.  He shows up at the ladies' hotel, and they all know what's about to happen, but not with whom.  Nick pulls Kristina aside and says all the typical Bachelor things about not wanting to send her home but he feels it in his heart or whatever.  She is obviously quite upset, and the other girls are also pretty upset.  And of course the episode ends here, with a dramatic "coming up" montage of more crying by everyone involved.

"I like him so much but I'd like to choke him"

And we're still in New Orleans at the beginning of this episode.  The big cliffhanger from last week was what was going to happen when Taylor returns to interrupt Nick and Corinne's evening.  Which was nothing, really.  Taylor talked to Nick and told him Corinne is lying about all kinds of stuff, and we get to hear Corinne call Taylor a bitch for the thousandth time.  Nick responds to Taylor with something to the effect of, "uh huh, yeah, sure, I respect you but still need to figure out things for myself."  Translation: "I just need to keep Corinne around until the fantasy suites and I didn't see us getting married so..."

Time for the cocktail party, except, no, wait, Nick's made up his mind and we're going straight to the rose ceremony!  The girls act shaken, but it's not like the cancelled cocktail party doesn't happen every season around this time.  Alexis, Jaimi, and Josephine go home because they have zero relationship with Nick and were just kept around for entertainment (Alexis), a potential gay story line (Jaimi), and a friend for Corinne (Josephine).

Now we head to the island of St. Thomas.  Nick meets the girls on a dock just to whisk Kristina away on a one-on-one date.  They're all a little bummed, but especially Jasmine, since she thought it should be her turn to get some time with Nick.  The girls sit around their hotel room while Vanessa shares this fun fact about how the island used to be owned by Denmark, but has been owned by the US for almost exactly 100 years!  None of the girls are interested.  But then there's a knock on the door and a woman named Lorna walks in and says she's basically their maid.  Corinne lights up at this because her plan for the day of staying in bed and drinking champagne can now include sitting by the pool and having a St. Thomas version of Raquel bring her pina coladas and lobster dip!

Let's go to Nick and Kristina's date for some adult conversation.  Kristina shares with Nick her backstory: she was living in extreme poverty with her mom in Russia, was kicked out when her mom got mad, spent much of her childhood in a Russian orphanage, and then was adopted by an American family.  It's an incredibly heart wrenching story that I can't do justice on a blog I created to judge people.  Nick didn't know how to respond considering his usual response to the girls' sob stories is to talk about getting dumped on TV twice, and that just wasn't going to cut it here.  So she gets the rose, and they make-out surrounded by drummers and dancers they just happen upon.

Time for a group date!  Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., and Jasmine go drink and play beach volleyball.  Then it seems like they skip some major plot points, because all of the sudden, everyone is upset and not wanting to continue to play volleyball.  We only see one conversation, with Nick and Jasmine, where Jasmine confronts Nick about not noticing her and tells him she wants to choke him.  Realizing this isn't a great thing to say, she tries to make it a sexual joke and mimes choking him and says the word choke way too many times.  Nick is clearly uncomfortable.  Then we see shots of the girls crying and sitting morosely on the beach, and Nick staring out to sea, discouraged.

Luckily, Nick has the evening to try to salvage this date, but it doesn't really work.  All of the girls tell him it's difficult and today sucked.  Jasmine brings up choking him again and he sends her home.

So with that to set the mood, Nick heads into a two-on-one date with Whitney and Danielle L.  It is the shortest date in Bachelor history.  He briefly talks to them individually and then sends Whitney home.  He and Danielle L. head out in a helicopter and leave Whitney alone on the deserted beach.  Danielle L. informs us she is "inches away from falling off that cliff" of falling in love.  At dinner, Nick lets Danielle L. babble until she admits she's actually falling off that cliff and then sends her home.

Nick feels shitty for sending these lovely ladies home, and goes to visit the six women who somehow still want to marry him to cry about having to break up with hot girls.  He leaves them all a little freaked out and we get another goddamn to be continued ending.

post script: sorry for the lack of visuals this episode recap.  I will, however, leave you with this shot of the girls talking about Nick in bed at the hotel with an artistic perspective made, I'm sure, to include empty wine bottles:

Whipped Cream and Lies

We start this episode right back in the Corinne-Taylor drama.  Corinne is calling Taylor all sorts of mean things to the camera (dumb bitch, disgusting, idiot, stank face, to name a few), and even though she pulled Taylor aside to confront her, tried to turn herself into the victim.  They argue- Taylor trying to use reason against Corinne, which is just futile.  Corinne is accusing her of being a bully and being condescending and rude to all the other girls, which you know isn't true because the Bachelor producers love airing anything that causes drama and we've seen none of this.  We also know this isn't true because Corinne is insane.  Corinne then goes to Nick and tells him a bunch of horrible things about Taylor, which apparently Nick takes as maturity on Corinne's part.  Corinne uses such compelling arguments as "She thinks she's entitled to whatever she's entitled to."

Time for the rose ceremony!  Thanks to the promise of a fight to the death two-on-one date with Taylor and Corinne, we know neither of them are going home tonight despite the producers best suspenseful music. Instead, Sarah and Astrid go home, presumably because they are nice, drama-free girls.

The rest of the girls head on to New Orleans!  Alexis is excited because she "like[s] gators, grits, and a good time."   Chris Harrison comes to break the news of the date situation this week:  a one-on-one, a group, and a two-on-one date.  They girls talk about how awful it would be to go on a two-on-one and speculate on who will go as if they don't all see how painfully obvious it is that Corinne and Taylor will be going on that one.  But before we are forced to watch that train wreck, we get to see an incredibly pleasant date with Rachel.

Is it too early to say #RachelforBachelorette?

Rachel and Nick wander around New Orleans trying on masks, eating oysters and beignets, and getting to join a Second Line.  During dinner in what appears to be a warehouse filled with parade floats, they talk about family.  Nick tells Rachel about his insecurities with asking two girls' parents for permission to marry him and how he'll probably be asking three more.  Rachel says she likes that he's being open and vulnerable about things all of America already know.  Rachel's going to go far, though.  Nick asked if he'd have to call her dad, a federal judge, "sir" and then says "I might be breaking rules here, but I'm super into you."  She get's the rose (duh), and says "I don't believe in fairy tales, but I believe in today, and today was a fairy tale," which I'm pretty sure is a false statement based on conditional probability or something.

Nothing says romantic like a fake-spooky game

The group date goes to a haunted plantation where a bad actor named Boo pretends to be the housekeeper and informs five ladies and Nick that a kid named Mae died of yellow fever and terrorizes people because she just wants her doll.  Raven says "I did not sign up to be one of the Ghostbusters.  If I see one, I'm going to rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus."  All of the girls admit to believing in ghosts except for Jasmine, who tries on a hat in the dead girl's room and can't even be bothered to learn her name (she calls her "Molly or Mary or whatever").  They get drinks and cheers to Mae and then pull out a Ouija board.  Once they ask some dumb questions about who Nick is going to pick (as if the spirit world cared), they ask about Mae and suddenly spooooooky things start happening while they look around the house.  Nick talks to some of the girls and Raven accidentally tells him she loves him.  Danielle M gets the rose.

Back at the house, 31 year old Rachel is stuck with 23/24 year old Taylor/Corinne playing therapist.  Corinne deals with her nerves by ordering a shit ton of room service and taking a bubble bath with champagne.  Taylor meditates.  Corinne lectures us on how there are different kinds of "intelligency", and how hers is more colorful than Taylor.  She also says "No votes for Taylor.  Make America Corinne Again," and she is getting less amusing and more annoying by the minute.

This may be the most dramatic date this season...

... but it still doesn't beat the Ashley I/Kelsey 2-on-
date in the Badlands during Chris Soules season

Nick takes Taylor and Corinne into the bayou for some voodoo stuff.  They get their cards read by a tarot reader who was clearly filled in on the drama before the date.  Corinne gets to speak to Nick first and spends the whole time bashing Taylor.  Taylor decides to not spend her time with Nick talking about Corinne, but that's all Nick wants to talk about.  Corinne, meanwhile, asks the tarot reader how to make a voodoo doll specific to a person, which is not subtle at all.  Corinne and Taylor are then briefly left alone, and Taylor questions her being able to run a multi-million dollar business, and Corinne doesn't actually defend herself on this point!  Taylor then says Nick is smart and observant and you know she's going home because Nick is neither of those things even when half of the other girls have complained about Corinne to him already, and yet none of them seem to have a problem with Taylor.  Earlier, Taylor said "if Nick gives Corinne the rose today, he's thinking with his dick," which he so obviously is!  He's only keeping Corinne around because he wants to sleep with her.

So Corinne gets the rose, and she and Nick boat off- her clutching both a rose and a voodoo doll.  Taylor wanders through the woods back to the voodoo folk who "cleanse" her or something, so she can go back to the city and cause a bit more drama before she leaves.  We get to see the beginning of Nick and Corinne's dinner where Corinne is still talking about how awful Taylor was.

Taylor says (as she walks in to disrupt this dinner) that "Corinne cares about Corinne and I give her credit because she gets what she wants [...it's] very toddler-like," which sounds a lot like a certain public figure now attempting to run the country....

Tune in next week for (hopefully) the last of this drama!