"This is a nightmare scenario" says guy in a self-inflicted scenario

Introductions

So it begins...

We start with the star, Rachel, of course.  We get to recap Nick breaking up with her on The Bachelor after she finally admits she loved him, evidence for Rachel that the show "works."  We then get to see her adorable dog with a broken leg, Copper, for not enough time.  What they want to make clear is that Rachel is serious and looking for a husband on this show, "like, this finger is ready," she exclaims, holding up her left hand.

We then get introduced to eight of Rachel's suitors.  What we learned:

Kenny is a pro-wrestler with an adorable 10 year old daughter.

Jack's mom died when he was in high school, so more on that story later at an advantageous time for him to stay one more week on the show.

Alex wants you to know that he's not only super ripped, but also a huge nerd!

Mohit loves Bollywood dancing with his large family.

Lucas (aka Whaboom guy) is literally the worst.

Blake E. said "I don't want to come across as the guy who talks about his penis..." and TOO LATE, creep.

Diggy has more shoes than pages in Moby-Dick.

Josiah's life could be a lifetime movie: tragic event in his youth, turned to crime, got arrested, turned his life around and now works in the legal system that arrested him and gave him a second chance.

Now it's time for Rachel to get ready for the big day: by driving up to the Bachelor Mansion in a Tesla to get advice from some other girls on Nick's season (Jasmine, Alexis, Corinne, Raven, Kristina, Astrid, and Whitney).  They have some generic advice and we move on.

The Limo Entrances

I mean, I love penguins, so I'd pick him.

We start off with Peter, who brings up Nick, since he is also from Wisconsin and wants to give Rachel a good experience with Wisconsin boys.  Rachel says "he's cute! we're off to a good start!"   And it's a good thing it's a good start, because it's a terrible end (last guy out of the limos is my least favorite contestant possibly of all time).  Josiah's up next with some lawyer puns, ending with "see you later, litigator," which actually made me smile.  Bryan talks to her in Spanish and she is instantly into him and I don't know why.  Then we have some generic entrances with Kenny, Rob, and Iggy, followed by Bryce who picks her up while we hear a voice over of how some of the men sweep her off her feet.  Will does a Steve Urkel impression, gets back in the limo, and comes out for a normal introduction.  Diggy makes a pun on his own name, hoping he's there to "teach [her] how to Diggy."  Kyle brings some Jamaican treat, which he pulls out after saying he wants to show Rachel his buns.  Blake K. tells Rachel his grandparents only dated for two months before getting married and have been together for 60 years, so he believes this could work.  Brady brings some ice out so he can literally break the ice.  At this point I'm not sure if Rachel legitimately loves corny jokes or if she's just really good at just going with everything with a smile.  This is why I couldn't be Bachelorette: I have no poker face.  Well, this and a thousand other reasons.  Next we have the four guys who already had a fake limo entrance at After the Final Rose, all of whom brought up those entrances: Dean, Eric, DeMario, and Blake E., the last of whom showed up this time with a marching band. 

We get a breather and Chris Harrison comes out to check in with Rachel, but not for long because we still have 15 more dudes to meet.

Fred brings his yearbook to show Rachel she's in it.  Rachel totally remembers him (she was his camp counselor) and exclaims "he was a very bad kid!"  Jonathan tickles her, but then his "occupation" is tickle-monster, so I'm not sure what I expected.   Lee comes out crooning with a guitar and hands her an enormous flower.  Alex dances up with a vacuum, a la Rachel in her intro video for Nick's season.  Milton takes a selfie with her.  Then Adam and Adam Jr. show up.  Adam Jr., or AJ, is a puppet that looks like Adam and it understandably creeps Rachel out.  Matt shows up in a penguin suit and tells Rachel how penguins mate for life, and seems pretty normal, despite the penguin suit.  Grant rolls up in a fire truck with sirens and everything (he's an EMT).  Anthony, Jamey, and Jack have unmemorable entrances.  Mohit holds her hands below his and says this will be the only time he has the upper hand in their relationship.  Jebediah says "when Jacob met Rachel, he wept," and I'm glad Rachel got the Bible reference because I sure didn't.  Michael tells Rachel "the blacker the brownie, the sweeter the dude," and I don't really know what that means but it sounds dirty.  Lastly, we get Lucas, who announces himself with a megaphone from the limo, his intro including the fact that one of his testicles is larger than the other.  He also calls himself Rachel's future husband.  He comes out wearing a shirt with his name on it and I have no idea how Rachel did not just send him home on the spot.  We still don't really know what "Whaboom" is other than him convulsing and yelling it over and over again.

Inside, the guys are joking about who the crazy one of the season is.  Lucas walks in and does his weird Whaaaaaabooom thing and they're all, yup, he's the one.  Token crazy guy.

No. Just, no.

Cocktail Party

The cocktail party commences- Josiah steals her away first.  Other guys are like "I didn't expect that!" and come on, you've all seen this show before.  The guys try to make an impression on Rachel.  The Adam puppet even gets his own contestant interviews, inexplicably in French.  As the night wears on, guys are getting drunker and more and more nervous about not getting time with her.  One guy can't believe the penguin guy has talked to her, but not the guy in the $2000 suit, come on!  Bryan not only manages to get time with Rachel, but aggressively kisses her, for a long time, and with lots of tongue.  It was uncomfortable to watch, but clearly Rachel is into him, because he gets the first impression rose and another kiss.  This second kiss is seen by a very drunk Mohit who points and goes "NOOOOOOOO!!!"

Meanwhile, Lucas is annoying everyone, but none more than Blake E, who tries to confront him about just coming on the show for attention.  To which he says, "I think that everyone has a little Whaboom in them," and Blake E responds, "I have no Whaboom in me."  Scintillating.

Anyway, it's rose ceremony time and all the guys are whining about how "devastating" it would be to be sent home and how they "can't live without" a rose.  Geez, and they say women can be dramatic.  The last rose of course goes to Lucas, and if that wasn't a producer pick, I don't know what Rachel was thinking.

Seven guys are sent home, and exit the mansion in clear daylight.  Milton cries because he doesn't get to show off all the outfits he brought.  Blake K. has the classiest exit of all time, saying that there are a lot of great guys there for Rachel, she and him aren't right for each other, but the right girl is out there for him!  Turns out, him leaving was his own choice because his grandfather was hospitalized and he flew to Hawaii to be with him, which just makes him going home that much worse- such a stand-up (and hot) guy, but instead we have to watch Whaboom for another week.

I mean, look at this guy!  Lives in SF and a war vet too!